Scrubs 6x13

Directed by John Putch

Sam Lloyd as Ted Buckland • Robert Maschio as Todd • Aloma Wright as Laverne Roberts • Victoria Tennant as Maggie • Alexander Chaplin as Mr. Thompson

J.D. and Turk try to treat Dr. Kelso's uninsured friend. Meanwhile, Dr. Kelso himself is concerned about a clothing thief. Elsewhere, Dr. Cox tries to convince Elliot that a reformed drug addict isn't exactly clean, and the Janitor blackmails Carla.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Hey, grandpa, little help.

2. Here you go, sport.

3. But call me grandpa again

4. and you and I are gonna play a little game called hide the wingtip.

5. There may be a generational gap here. I'll explain.

6. The wing tip is my shoe.

7. The hiding place is your ass.

8. Hi, Bob.

9. That's why I always save you a place.

10. - You keep the riff-raff in check. - My pleasure.

11. Well, let's see what Enid packed for lunch today.

12. A stapler and a golf ball.

13. She's not well.

14. Trade ya. My apple for your golf ball.

15. Done.

16. Maggie, how long has your foot been like that?

17. Nurse Turkleton, I want you to take good care

18. of my friend Maggie here.

19. Don't worry, take care of you.

20. - Name and insurance, please. - Maggie Kent and none.

21. All right, let's find her a room.

22. When a patient doesn't have insurance,

23. you have to work around the system.

24. First, you have to find someone who's recently died.

25. Cool, Mr. Rabinowitz just kicked it.

26. Oh, don't worry. He put his peep in an electrical socket.

27. You can't do that.

28. Then you have to convince the morgue guy

29. to sit on the paperwork so the deceased's bed stays open.

30. Deal.

31. Then you have to get the floor nurses to play along.

32. Enjoy your kosher meal, Mr. Rabinowitz.

33. Then you have to find a surgeon to do the work pro-bono.

34. Dude, I've had a pro-bono like all morning.

35. Something might be wrong-five!

36. I got this one.

37. But most importantly, you can't let any higher-ups find out

38. that a patient is uninsured...

39. even if they're the ones who brought her here in the first place.

40. Bob, I want to thank you for doing all this,

41. - even though I don't have any— - Dr. Kelso, we need to talk to you.

42. What is it?

43. Uh, we wanna go somewhere with you.

44. Ok, where?

45. A spa!

46. - We'd like to get some massages. - Hmm!

47. Why, I know just the place.

48. Whoo!

49. Great. Now I got a crick in my neck.

50. Ahem!

51. We're going to get a little graphic here,

52. so you fellas might want to look the other way.

53. Or not. It's your choice.

54. Turk, why are you looking?

55. It's my neck crick. I can't move.

56. Watch this, Turkleton.

57. She calls it the Shanghai surprise.

58. Oh, God.

59. Ok, Maggie. Soon as your labs come back,

60. we'll prep you for surgery.

61. You two are my guardian angels.

62. Hey, good morning, fellas.

63. Why so awkward?

64. You never saw a colleague get a happy ending before?

65. - No, not—not that happy. - But thank you for including us.

66. Oh, say, Barbie, wait just a second.

67. I gotta tell you, you look...

68. Well, darn it all, you look great today.

69. - Oh, thanks! - Yeah!

70. I started using that new facial cream made from baby foreskins.

71. - Oh! - But I don't understand.

72. You haven't complimented me in 6 years.

73. - Why today? - Well,

74. since you're a private practice doctor

75. who went home yesterday at 5:00,

76. leaving me up all night with your melanoma patient,

77. I just knew if I complimented you,

78. sure shootin' you'd look at me

79. just a hair too long, and then this would happen.

80. Oh, you think you're funny?

81. I do. I always have, ever since I was little.

82. It's one of the reasons that I'm a winner.

83. I'm in a hurry.

84. I promised one of my patients that I would meet him

85. for his first day of drug counseling.

86. See, I wrote it right here.

87. Oh, bar-boo, give me a break.

88. Why in God's name do you think

89. I'd care about anything that you wrote down?

90. - You wouldn't. - Ooh!

91. - Ha! - Nice!

92. Hey, can you believe who the new drug counselor is?

93. I just want you all to know that I've been right where are you.

94. Hell, a couple of years ago, I was in this very hospital,

95. scamming that nice doctor over there for pain killers.

96. Can everyone say hi to Dr. Reid?

97. Hi, Dr. Reid.

98. Hey, drug addicts! What's up?

99. Girl, can you believe what they sell in these white people magazines?

100. Look here.

101. This is a computer chip that you put in your baby's foot

102. so you can track it. Like a baby LoJack.

103. White people do the craziest things.

104. Like bumper stickers.

105. Girl, I don't give a damn what you brake for.

106. Heh heh, I know. White people. Phew.

107. No, my stepmom is one quarter Inuit, so I'm part Eskimo.

108. Anyway, small favor. I need your baby.

109. I'm getting into the baby broker business. Nothing illicit.

110. I'm just hooking up folks that can't have babies

111. with folks that don't want babies.

112. You leave.

113. You, give me that baby LoJack number.

114. Already tore it out.

115. - Hey. - Babe!

116. Where were you? We were supposed to meet for breakfast.

117. My bad. I was hanging out with J.D. and Rowdy

118. and we decided to pull a prank that we used to do back in the day.

119. Here comes Ted.

120. Go, go, go, pull!

121. Oh, God!

122. Ghost dog!

123. Calm down, people, we have a back-up generator.

124. Ha. Thank God. I was just bluffing.

125. Won't be doing that again.

126. Ted! Look at this budget!

127. I've got a half a notion

128. to make you pay for ever cent of that new transformer.

129. I'm telling you, sir,

130. a lifeless ghost dog glided in front of my car

131. wearing roller skates!

132. If this your way of trying to make me feel guilty

133. about paving over that Indian burial ground, it isn't going to work.

134. We needed the damn parking spaces!

135. Now, why in the hell are we paying this much money for scrubs?

136. Maybe people are stealing them.

137. Now why would people be stealing scrubs?

138. Hey, mom.

139. Uh, a guy tried to die on me today,

140. but I didn't let him. I didn't let him!

141. Excuse me, guys, stealing scrubs here.

142. So, anyway, I've been an addict since I was 14.

143. About a year ago, I realized it was time to wake up and get sober.

144. So you finally just hit rock bottom?

145. No, no, no, I hit a cop.

146. Anyway, since I wasn't willing to do the things,

147. you know, you need to do in jail to get narcotics,

148. at least not enthusiastically, I, uh, I got clean.

149. I have a game.

150. Raise your hand if you're full of crap.

151. Sam, if you don't raise your hand,

152. you're going to lose the game.

153. Come on, man.

154. You don't know hard it's been to stay straight.

155. Been there, brother.

156. - Grawr! - Ahhh!

157. Turk! You know I hate that damn dog!

158. No. It's not bald, black doctor.

159. It's haired, half-white, half-Inuit, janitor.

160. And this is the real Rowdy.

161. Excuse me?

162. You recall a couple of years ago you lost him?

163. Ruff ruff.

164. You were panicked that your husband was gonna find out,

165. so I sold my entire stuffed squirrel army

166. in exchange for Steven, an exact replica.

167. What you don't know is that I retraced your steps that day,

168. and I found Rowdy.

169. Now I think, if your husband knew

170. that he'd been loving a fake dead dog all this time...

171. he'd be very unhappy.

172. You're a crazy person.

173. Am I? Or am I a brilliant mastermind

174. who's waited 2 long years till he's needed something from you...

175. and now that day has come.

176. Here's what I want—

177. I want your baby. We already talked about that.

178. I want you to tell that new borderline anorexic nurse

179. to eat a sandwich.

180. And then to go salsa dancing with me.

181. Also, I want you to teach me to salsa dance.

182. I want a pound of Frankincense, mostly just to see what it is.

183. And, lastly, I'm in a little bit of a tiff

184. with the main Barista down at coffee bucks.

185. He's not above poisoning me,

186. so I'm gonna need you to be my official beverage taster, yes?

187. I'm just gonna confess everything to Turk. Hmm.

188. No, easy, boy.

189. We'll get her.

190. Why can't you just give Sam a break?

191. Look, the only thing Sam did

192. was to go from being a lying drug addict

193. to being a lying drug addict who works here.

194. People change.

195. I knew this one migrant worker from our orchard, Ramon,

196. he used to say, "I hate applesauce,

197. it destroys the integrity of the la manzana."

198. Manzana's Spanish for "apple."

199. Anyway, last time I was home, I asked how Ramon was doing.

200. Vice-president of Mott's Applesauce.

201. It's true, Ramon Delgado, look him up on the Internet.

202. - I will. - Don't, I made it up.

203. The point is, people can change and you know it.

204. Nothing ever changes.

205. The artist formerly known as prince is still just prince.

206. My ex-wife is still pretty much my wife,

207. Grey's Anatomy always wraps up every episode

208. with some cheesy voiceover that ties together all of the story lines,

209. which, incidentally is my least favorite device on television.

210. Newbie continually will try to violate my no-touching policy.

211. Uh-huh.

212. And Republicans will forever try to raise—

213. Sneak hug!

214. Of course, I would go kill him right now,

215. but he actually just helped to prove my point.

216. This is gonna help, too.

217. There are 10 orders of Percocet missing from the pharmacy.

218. Oh, I think I have a pretty good idea

219. who I'm gonna give my complimentary urine test to.

220. So, how bad is it gonna be?

221. Well, you're gonna lose the dead tissue,

222. but, thanks to modern medicine...

223. you're gonna keep most of your foot.

224. You wouldn't believe how much worse it would have been

225. even a few years ago.

226. This might hurteth a little.

227. Look, milady, I know it stinks that we're removing your foot

228. and plan to eat it tonight at the healing feast,

229. but you wouldn't believeth how much worse this would have been

230. even a few years ago.

231. Oh!

232. I may have killed you, but I think I was upset about it.

233. Listen up, people, gather around.

234. Not you, Mr. Miller. Staff only.

235. All right, this is going to be very simple.

236. Whoever has been stealing scrubs

237. is going to raise their hand, pay the hospital back

238. and be immediately fired. Let's see 'em.

239. Ok, you people leave me no choice.

240. - There! - Aww!

241. Now you all have to wear scrubs so hideous

242. that no one would steal them.

243. You brought this on yourselves, you thieving bastards.

244. Turk, I need to talk to you about Rowdy.

245. Ok, wait, before you say anything,

246. sorry I skipped out on breakfast to goof around with Rowdy.

247. But you gotta understood,

248. Rowdy is more than just a dead toy to J.D and me.

249. We got him together in college and he's always been there.

250. The key to the salsa is passion.

251. And, spin!

252. There were no drugs in Sam's bag, and his urinalysis came back clean.

253. Don't beat yourself up, big guy. I would have suspected me, too.

254. Maybe we should post a transcript

255. for your "nothing ever changes" rant in the cancer ward

256. for the chemo patients as a little pick-me-up.

257. Oh, and, F.Y.I. I happen to like the voiceovers on Grey's Anatomy.

258. Except for when they're really vague and generic.

259. And so, in the end,

260. I knew what Elliot said about the way things were

261. had forever changed the way we all thought about them.

262. I actually don't mind the new scrubs.

263. Really makes my outfit pop.

264. Look, I know that you feel stupid for falsely accusing Sam,

265. but it all goes away if you just apologize to him.

266. Way ahead of you on that score, bar-boo.

267. I wanted to surprise the gentleman

268. with something I thought he'd really enjoy,

269. so I went out and got him a brick of heroin shaped like a heart.

270. Now, if I could just find him a funny card.

271. If you really thought he was still a drug addict,

272. you wouldn't let him counsel people.

273. Of course, I would.

274. Addicts make the very best counselors

275. because they know just exactly what druggies are going through

276. mainly because, and see if you can follow this...

277. they're currently going through it, too.

278. I don't care what you think.

279. I'm always going to believe in people.

280. All the best with that, barbidiot.

281. You brought these caca-colored scrubs on yourselves, folks.

282. And thanks for playing along with that hideous suit, Ted.

283. Playing along with what, sir?

284. Nothing. Looking sharp.

285. Wow.

286. See? It's fine.

287. Nobody's trying to poison you—

288. I knew it!

289. She's gone.

290. Oh, boy. Somebody's going to have to tell black doctor.

291. I do not want that job.

292. Zombie! I can't do this anymore. I'm out.

293. What? Oh, no, no, toots.

294. You're out when I say you're out.

295. I saw that, Frank.

296. Here's the deal—

297. when nobody's looking...

298. we grab Steven and make him go bye-bye,

299. then there will only be one dog left.

300. So when lurch finally shows up with the real Rowdy,

301. Turk will have to assume that he's the one who stole them from the car.

302. - Got it? - Whatever.

303. Let's do this.

304. Laverne Roberts!

305. Ahhh! Laverne!

306. I got the keys right here!

307. Well, 2 new fish on a sponge.

308. She's getting closer.

309. - Hey, Bob. - Hey, Maggie.

310. I thought we were gonna take care of that foot.

311. Don't have insurance.

312. It's ok. I can get by.

313. Everyone reacts differently to unpleasant discoveries.

314. - Some people get angry— - Save my seat.

315. Others are admittedly a tad more dramatic.

316. Oh, my God, he's gone!

317. I think I'm gonna be sick!

318. I never got the chance to tell him I loved him!

319. I mean, guys, I know all about bottoming out.

320. Right? It wasn't long ago that I was out there on my knees

321. praying to the gods for help.

322. - God, please! - Please, God!

323. That was weird.

324. Uh, ok, why don't we call it a day? Ok?

325. Proud of you, proud of you, proud of you,

326. proud of you, proud of you.

327. Are you seriously doing the clichéd, sarcastic slow clap?

328. Because that is way too 1980s.

329. It was a hell of a performance.

330. The attitude, the indignation.

331. It was damn near believable, did you know that?

332. Honestly, I don't really feel the need

333. to convince you of anything,

334. but I will say that if you're waiting to watch me slip,

335. then things are gonna get really frustrating for you.

336. Let me tell you something, man!

337. This guy is amazing, ok?

338. He's unbelievable. To even get into his class,

339. you have to bring any drugs you have at home

340. so you're not tempted.

341. See if I've got this right.

342. You have to give your drugs...

343. to him?

344. Absolutely, yeah. Oh, that reminds me.

345. I found these in my dryer.

346. Thank you, Lloyd.

347. Thank you.

348. He's doing very well.

349. Even I have to admit, that's pretty darn clever.

350. Thanks, I, uh— I came up with it

351. when I was shooting up with my sponsor

352. in the back of his El Camino. Crazy!

353. I'm gonna go ahead and take this whole moment,

354. I'm gonna find Dr. Barbie, and I'm going to rub it... in...

355. her face.

356. Well, howdy, boys, remember me?

357. Ghost dog! Ghost dog!

358. You forced my hand.

359. Give me that!

360. - How dare you steal our dog! - Huh?

361. Sorry, you lose. Bye-bye.

362. Oh, and you should still have someone

363. check your coffee before you drink it.

364. Squid oil.

365. That's one for you, Frank.

366. Barbie, I have the most exciting news to tell you.

367. What the hell, people?

368. I just saw Maggie Kent in the park. Why didn't we treat her?

369. She has no insurance.

370. Well, why didn't we do what we always do?

371. Why didn't you fix it while I turn my back

372. and pretend not to notice? You know the dance.

373. We used to. But if you're gonna threaten to fire us

374. over taking a pair of scrubs,

375. why wouldn't we think you'd fire us for treating an uninsured patient?

376. Yeah, when you took away the scrubs, you took away the trust.

377. And without trust, everything falls apart.

378. And just like that, we got our old scrubs back.

379. I'm tellin' you guys, this could have been a much bigger moment.

380. Even though I was the only one who knew how to embrace life,

381. we all left thinking about how important trust is.

382. Dr. Cox let Elliot keep her trust in humankind a while longer.

383. I, uh, I just wanted to apologize to you, Sam,

384. for not believin' in ya.

385. Thanks?

386. But why didn't you tell her?

387. 'Cause this hospital will eventually

388. make her just as cynical as everybody else in the dump.

389. She didn't need my help on that one.

390. By the way, do me a favor, if you do use later, don't drive.

391. - I take the bus, dude. - Yeah.

392. Carla protected the trust that we have in her by coming clean.

393. Anyway, I should have told you guys I lost him back then,

394. but hopefully this will help you forgive me.

395. Oh!

396. Look at them standing next to each other!

397. 2 beautiful dead dogs.

398. See, now at least you can both have one.

399. I'm cool with keeping Steven.

400. We've gotten to know each other quite well.

401. How are we supposed to know who's who?

402. That's Steven. Don't ask me how I know that.

403. As for Dr. Kelso,

404. he knew that trusting us again was probably foolish.

405. Good-night, sir.

406. Still, it was worth it.

407. You want half my sandwich?

408. Thank you, Mrs. Juarez.

409. - It's Kent, Bob. Maggie— - Shh.

410. Thank you.