Scrubs 5x9

Directed by Linda Mendoza

Sam Lloyd as Ted Buckland • Robert Maschio as Todd • Mandy Moore as Julie • Jo Deodato Clark as Mrs. Nickels • Tangelia Rouse as Mrs. London

J.D. meets the klutzy Julie, and when he becomes smitten, Elliot attempts to help out with romance advice. Meanwhile, Carla tries to find Dr. Cox's soft side, when he refuses to kiss his son. Turk and the Janitor put together an air band to win a contest, but Kelso gives them a tremendous obstacle.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. What's going on?

2. Ted and I are putting together an air band

3. for that contest at the Bart.

4. Someone's got to win those water park tickets,

5. and it might as well be us.

6. Lloyd, slamming solo. But I have to ask you,

7. how's things coming with the drug problem?

8. 3 days sober.

9. Excellent.

10. Ok. We'll be in touch.

11. Well, Mrs. Nickels, it was an honor being your doctor.

12. Oh, you're such a nice young man.

13. I'd love to set you up with my grand-niece.

14. Oh, thank you. I'm not big on blind dates.

15. And I know I haven't hit it in a while,

16. but there's good reason for that.

17. 2 good reasons: His face and his personality.

18. Sticks and stones may break my bones...

19. But words will hurt forever.

20. Anyway, for me to be set up with your niece,

21. I'd need to know a lot more about her.

22. She's single.

23. My blind date should be here any second.

24. I got to thanks Mrs. Nickels for setting this up.

25. Oh, Mrs. Nickels, you blue-haired bitch.

26. Wait! She's veering off. Whew!

27. Ok, Mrs. Nickels.

28. You're new hip is on the house, because this girl is amazing.

29. And yet there's something so accessible about her.

30. I wonder what it is.

31. Oh!

32. Ooh, I'm gonna have the carrot cake.

33. So she was a bit of a klutz.

34. Did you see that? Please say no.

35. No.

36. From that moment on, it was the greatest date ever.

37. We had so much in common.

38. I ride a scooter.

39. I love Harry Potter so much, I sometimes wish I was a wizard.

40. And I've hated sports since I was a kid.

41. Me, too. Do you ever like drift off and have weird fantasies?

42. Sometimes.

43. So do you want me to see if they'll give us some more coffee

44. or do you wanna just call it a night?

45. And then she gave the world's best answer.

46. Neither.

47. J.D., you home?

48. My roommate. Back in one second.

49. So I guess your date sucked, huh?

50. Ha! Why don't you ask her if our date sucked?

51. She's in my room.

52. 20 bucks says you blow it in less than 5 minutes.

53. Unlikely.

54. 'Cause what's waiting for me in my room

55. is what's known in football terms as a "slam dunk."

56. 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi—

57. It's so late. I got to get going.

58. I have a dog and a fish. I have to feed them and walk them and stuff.

59. I'm Julie. Hi.

60. I was Elliot.

61. - 20 bucks, please. - Ok, double or nothing.

62. I bet you I can jump from this couch to the counter.

63. Check it.

64. Eagle!

65. Pay me in the morning.

66. Why would Julie just take off like that?

67. I bet you my body intimidated her.

68. That's it. I am selling that bowflex on craigslist.

69. I'm sure you said something

70. that sucked all of the romance out of the moment.

71. You used to do that all the time when we were dating.

72. Like when?

73. Are you getting thicker?

74. You feel a little thicker. What?

75. Fine. I may have told her that she smells like my mom.

76. Which, by the way, I still maintain is a compliment.

77. - What are you guys talking about? - Well...

78. - J.D. has— - Already bored.

79. Oh! Look. Will you say good-bye to Jack?

80. I have to drop him off at preschool.

81. Oh.

82. Bye, little man.

83. Perry, this is your son, not a rescued pit bull.

84. Give him a kiss.

85. Jordan, he's starting to look like a guy,

86. and I'm just not real big on kissing guys.

87. When my father wanted to show me affection,

88. he would just purposely miss when he threw bottles at my head.

89. You are gonna be a much better dad than your dad was.

90. Now, give him a proper good-bye.

91. Son, always a pleasure. No more kissing.

92. You're crazy.

93. That's right. He is.

94. Well, I don't understand. Why wouldn't you kiss him?

95. - Stay out of what? - Dr. Cox won't kiss his son.

96. - What is wrong with you? - Ladies, I hate to disappoint,

97. but my quota for women who bug the living bejesus out of me

98. has been met for the next billion years.

99. Now, Mrs. Wilk, you have developed an allergy to Melphalan.

100. However, I've come up with a new regiment

101. that will enable us to continue treatment.

102. Ok.

103. Oh, I think he described all the extra effort he put in

104. so you would tell him what an amazing doctor he is.

105. Now that you've told me, it won't sound sincere.

106. He won't care.

107. Dr. Cox, you're amazing.

108. It's just my job.

109. Well, thanks for coming to the audition in costume.

110. What costume?

111. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

112. Something funny?

113. Dude, I just came up with the perfect name for your band.

114. Mercy flush.

115. Do you think this is easy?

116. You ready, Ron? I'm ready.

117. - You ready, Biv? - I'm ready, slick. Are you?

118. Oh, yeah. Break it down.

119. Tell him, Rick. Check it out.

120. I don't know what "it" is, but he's got it.

121. - He's gonna be trouble. - I know.

122. But he's so damn delicate.

123. I'd convinced Julie to meet me

124. by explaining that my comment in the bedroom

125. was a simple miscommunication.

126. I wasn't saying you smelled like my mom.

127. I was saying you smelled like momum.

128. It's an exotic flower

129. that's indigenous to the hills of Costa Rica.

130. God, I feel so stupid.

131. Hugsies.

132. Oh, mommy.

133. - So I'll see you later? - Yes.

134. Okay. Oh.

135. Oh, my, oh, gosh!

136. Oh, here. Oh, my gosh!

137. Oh, my gosh.

138. - I am so, so sorry. - Oh, no. It happens.

139. It does. It happens.

140. Bye.

141. - Isn't she great? - So you got the second date.

142. Just don't repeat the same mistakes you made with me.

143. For instance, don't speed down the road

144. and pretend like your brakes are out.

145. I don't care if it got you laid once in high school.

146. It is not funny,

147. and I still have not forgiven you for killing that family's pony.

148. But most importantly,

149. if you ever find yourself in a romantic situation again,

150. ignore whatever pops into your head.

151. Just look into her eyes and say these exact words:

152. "I'm so glad I found you."

153. You're telling me what to say.

154. Next thing you'll be telling me how to kiss her.

155. I mean, where does it end?

156. Oh! You are such a good kisser, J.D.

157. Mm. Right back at ya.

158. And I love that you're calling me J.D.

159. Stay away from my girlfriend, Elliot.

160. And stay away from my J.D. wigs.

161. Dr. Cox, could you help me with a central line?

162. Fine, Lonnie. But hand to God,

163. if you so much as look at me for the next month,

164. I will mummify your head in surgical tape.

165. Thank you, Dr. Cox.

166. Is he gone? No?

167. Hello.

168. Mrs. London, this is Dr. Cox. He's gonna be your doctor.

169. Good news.

170. Your intestinal bleeding can be fixed with a very simple surgery.

171. Surgery?

172. I'm a Jehovah's witness. I can't get a transfusion.

173. We believe that blood should not be passed from person to person.

174. Well, I'm a doctor, and we believe

175. that without surgery, a patient in your condition

176. can suffer from a major case of deadness.

177. Don't worry. He'll figure out another way to treat you.

178. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. No, he won't.

179. I'm having so much fun hanging out with you.

180. Can you believe we've been talking for 2 hours?

181. Seriously?

182. Nah. While you were in the bathroom, I set the clock 2 hours ahead

183. so you'd think time was just flying by.

184. Really? While I was in the bathroom,

185. I wrote my name in the mirror with my fingers

186. so the next time you took a hot shower and it fogged up,

187. you'd think that ghosts were telling you to be with me.

188. Looking at her, I knew what the future held for Julie and me.

189. Smile.

190. Oh, God, this mask is hot.

191. Thanks for doing that.

192. I wanted a picture of us old.

193. That way if one of us dies in a tragic skiing accident,

194. we'll always have that memory of us together.

195. That's so sweet.

196. So, what do you wanna do now?

197. Ok, romance is in the air.

198. You got to say something. Tell her about the hit-and-run.

199. Nah. She probably loves ponies.

200. Ask her if she's been tested.

201. Why are all these odd thoughts popping into my head?

202. My God, look at the size of her feet.

203. Tell her. Stop it. Ok, the silence has gone on too long.

204. Just say that thing that Elliot told you, even though it's stupid.

205. I'm really glad I found you.

206. Yes!

207. That was very tight.

208. Well, seems I stumbled into the time-well-spent ward.

209. Back in your cage, Ted.

210. Oh, God, what have I done?

211. Turkelton, I need you to volunteer to speak

212. at a critical care conference this weekend.

213. I don't see that happening, Bobby.

214. Excuse me?

215. It's not like you're the king around here.

216. Morning, Elliot.

217. By the way, Julie's here. I'm not gonna kiss and tell.

218. Oh, really? 'Cause I just got your text that said "bone city."

219. Oh, really? That came through?

220. When you care about something,

221. the last thing you want is for it to be taken away,

222. whether it's a newfound hobby...

223. Sir, why did you wanna see me in here?

224. Quick announcement, people. From this moment on,

225. there will be no air banding allowed in the hospital.

226. The king has spoken.

227. Thank you very much.

228. or the image of someone you really looked up to.

229. So, come on. Tell me.

230. What are you gonna do with our Jehovah's witness?

231. I'm not gonna do anything.

232. So, what's gonna happen?

233. I would say she's probably going to die.

234. As for me, all I lost was my pride.

235. Hey, Elliot.

236. Oh, J.D., I'm glad I found you too.

237. Well, that sounds familiar.

238. Oh!

239. Ow. I think there's a chachki in my bum.

240. Oh!

241. So I had to use Elliot's advice with Julie.

242. Luckily, she's not great at gloating.

243. You had sex last night with a beautiful girl that you really like.

244. Sometimes she needs a little help.

245. You probably meant to say if it weren't for you,

246. I'd still be dating my laptop.

247. Right. In your face. Ha-ha!

248. Thank you.

249. I actually like Julie, so don't do that thing that you always do.

250. If you're referring to the game "find the saltine," relax.

251. I don't even play that with Turk anymore.

252. No. I am talking about how you go a million miles an hour

253. the minute you fall for someone.

254. Don't go too quickly or, like I said,

255. you'll just end up with another beautiful girl.

256. - Dating my laptop. - Dating your laptop.

257. I knew he'd be trouble.

258. Come on now. We're still a band, huh?

259. Let's bring it in.

260. Cool cats on 3. 1, 2, 3.

261. - Cool cats! - Let's roll.

262. When Mrs. Wilk was allergic to Melphalan,

263. you found a way around it.

264. Why aren't you doing the same for our Jehovah's witness?

265. Because Mrs. Wilk didn't choose to have her allergy, so—

266. Wait. There's a young man behind you with a quick medical question.

267. Will you kiss me?

268. Leaving.

269. You know, you're eventually gonna have to kiss your boy.

270. And you will have to treat the Jehovah's witness.

271. God, elevator.

272. He's got my back, even if I don't technically believe in him.

273. Behind your ear.

274. My friend, you have found the saltine.

275. But don't tell Elliot we're still playing.

276. Why do I care what Elliot thinks?

277. She's not right about everything.

278. I'm not gonna go too fast with Julie.

279. Dr. Kelso, I'll go to that conference.

280. Turkelton, I have many more pressing issues,

281. starting with a gigantic paralyzed wife

282. and ending with a gay son

283. who has just written a skating musical about me

284. called Dr. Dad, which, despite mixed reviews,

285. has just been held over in buffalo.

286. So why don't you just do whatever the hell you wanna do.

287. It was never about you saying no to the conference.

288. It's about the way you said it.

289. You see that man there?

290. His biggest pet peeve,

291. except for employees storing deer meat in his office mini fridge,

292. is people being disrespectful to him.

293. Do you play?

294. Lonnie, what are you doing?

295. Since Dr. Cox won't treat Mrs. London,

296. we have to transfer her to another facility.

297. All right, listen up and listen good.

298. I will kill anyone who tells Carla about this,

299. and that includes you, Mrs. London.

300. First I will save your life, then I'll take it away.

301. Let's get to work.

302. Lonnie.

303. Are you looking at me again?

304. No.

305. Are we crazy to be thinking about buying this?

306. No. It's a sound investment

307. and a great addition to my portfolio.

308. Which consists of 2 shares of Eastern Airlines stock

309. and an unopened pack of les mis trading cards.

310. J.D., this is a mistake.

311. You're not broker of the year Whit Prowdy.

312. Don't do this. You're going too fast.

313. Why should I believe you?

314. Because honesty is my business.

315. I hate you, Whit Prowdy.

316. Sir, can I talk to you for a second?

317. Just you or all the Turkel-tones?

318. We don't just ride together.

319. We roll together.

320. Cool cats.

321. Sir, I wanna apologize for how I spoke to you.

322. It was extremely disrespectful

323. and I can promise you it will never happen again.

324. You bet your ass it won't.

325. Ok, so what's the deal, cranky pants?

326. I am just sick and tired

327. of having to live up to everyone's expectations.

328. Lonnie needs a central line.

329. You want me to help Mrs. London.

330. And every patient in this dump looks at me for some miracle cure.

331. I mean, honestly, Carla, with Jehovah as my witness,

332. sometimes it is just too much.

333. Yeah, yeah. I'm not buying it.

334. You've been putting up with that stuff around here for over 20 years.

335. It's not just here. It's home too.

336. Jordan expects me to be this amazing, sensitive father.

337. So that's what this is about?

338. You shouldn't sweat the sensitive dad stuff. You'll get there.

339. You don't know anything.

340. Oh, really?

341. How is it going with your Jehovah's witness patient?

342. Better.

343. How did you know I'd move too fast with Julie?

344. How do you know that I can be that kind of dad?

345. How did you know Kelso just wanted respect?

346. - Because I know you. - Because I know you.

347. Because I know him.

348. This is so cool.

349. What's happening? Dr. Cox didn't make eye holes.

350. I think it's important

351. that we listen to the people who know us best,

352. because if you do, you might get to rock.

353. You might get the confidence to be the father you wanna be.

354. Give me this little boy.

355. Clown bear.

356. I love you. I love so much,

357. I'm gonna make a sandwich out of you.

358. Where are you going?

359. Dad's gonna devour me now. See you later.

360. Of course, sometimes it's just fun to not listen

361. and do whatever the hell you want.

362. So we bought it.

363. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go kiss my lady

364. on my new half-acre.

365. She's not graceful.