Scrubs 5x8

Directed by Rob Greenberg

Sam Lloyd as Ted Buckland • Jason Bateman as Mr. Sutton • Peter Jacobson as Mr. Foster • Jordan Murphy as Robot Groom • Allison Smith as Millie

J.D., Turk, Elliot and Carla are interrogated about the mysterious death of a patient. Dr. Kelso learns, that J.D. and Turk were away tracking down a patient, Elliot was traumatized over finding out that her make-out buddy was married and Carla was busy recruiting hospital personnel for a group lottery purchase.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. I was super-psyched to get my scooter Sasha back from the shop,

2. but my new scooter insurance hadn't kicked in yet,

3. so I was being extra-cautious.

4. Perfect. Time for my morning Slushee.

5. Get out the way! The store's being robbed!

6. Freeze!

7. The wall! Hide behind the wall!

8. No!

9. Sasha!

10. All right! All right! Ok.

11. There was a wall! What's the matter with you?

12. Who's still shooting? She's down!

13. It's over.

14. Is this gonna hurt?

15. Oh, don't be such a baby. It's a magnetic image.

16. I apologize, Mr. Foster. I'm a little upset.

17. My scooter Sasha was assassinated this morning.

18. Yeah, he was so attached to that thing

19. he used to wear a bracelet that said, "Sasha forever."

20. Oh, come on, Turk. It was just a joke.

21. And I only wore it for one week.

22. Whatever.

23. Now let's fire this baby up.

24. Ok, so I still wear the bracelet.

25. Idiot.

26. Oh! My watch.

27. - Hey, Carla! - Earphones, Ted!

28. Sorry. Hey, Carla, did you hear the lottery's up to 100 million?

29. If I win that baby, it's separate beds for me and my mom.

30. Yeah, and you can spend the other 99,999,000 on therapy.

31. What would you do with the money?

32. Carla, I can't believe you're gonna be a mom.

33. I know. It was expensive, but totally worth it.

34. - Right, baby? - Stupid lotto.

35. Good morning, Mrs. Wilk.

36. Great morning, isn't it?

37. Whoa, that is wrong.

38. Care to join me in a super loud throat clear?

39. - Absolutely. - 1, 2, 3.

40. - Ahem! - Ahem!

41. Elliot, I can't believe you would do that.

42. - What'd you do? - Was it naughty?

43. When women want men to completely zone out,

44. there's always one thing they can talk about.

45. See, yesterday I went shoe shopping, and there was this one pair of

46. Manholo Blahniks...

47. (both, thinking) Shoe shopping.

48. that were, like, super cute.

49. Great. We can talk.

50. - What were you thinking? - So? We kissed.

51. I've been treating his kid for a week now,

52. and we just really hit it off. You know.

53. I mean, it started out with some pretty innocent flirting.

54. "Hi. I'm Dr. Reid."Why is there blood in my son's stool?"

55. - Huh? - Whose stool?

56. Strappy sandals.

57. (both, thinking) Shoe shopping.

58. Continue.

59. And I asked where his wife was.

60. He said, "she's not with us,"

61. and then, you know...

62. bleh.

63. Cool. Oh, I almost forgot.

64. Lace bra.

65. - Were they Ds— - Be specific.

66. Good news, Mr. Foster.

67. The radiologist said your scan is completely clear,

68. but we'd like to keep you here for a few more tests.

69. Whatever you say, doc.

70. A lot of weird things can happen in a hospital.

71. Like Doug not getting a dead body out of his bed

72. before rigor mortis sets in.

73. Ted, give me a hand.

74. He's not gonna fit in the body bag like this,

75. so lie across his feet,

76. and I'm gonna push down his head and straighten him out.

77. Fun.

78. And 1, 2, 3.

79. Aah!

80. Ted?

81. Still the weirdest thing is

82. when a really cool guy who's fine and talking to you one minute...

83. is dead the next.

84. Of course, in hospitals, this happens a lot,

85. so you have to shake it off and move on.

86. Except when this happens.

87. Well, if it isn't the 4 horsewomen of the apocalypse.

88. There's a morbidity and mortality conference tomorrow morning

89. to figure out who's responsible for Mr. Foster's death,

90. and here's the exciting news.

91. I'm pretty sure it was one of you.

92. You really gotta change that cell phone ring.

93. Ma, not now.

94. So a patient was dead and one of us was gonna be blamed.

95. Dude, you've gotta change that cell phone ring.

96. You think so, huh?

97. Mom, not now.

98. With morbidity and mortality conferences,

99. the first question sets the tone for the whole day.

100. Who the hell ate my scone?

101. That would be me, Bobbo, and it was delicious.

102. My compliments to the little lady.

103. - I made those. - I know.

104. Dorian, you admitted Mr. Foster with coughing and shortness of breath,

105. is that correct?

106. Yes.

107. Mike check. Mike check.

108. Yes.

109. And then what happened?

110. Dorian.

111. I'm 10 feet away from you. Talk.

112. Mr. Foster had recently flown to India,

113. where he had been exposed to an outbreak of pertussis.

114. I was gonna check on his labs,

115. but first I had to visit another patient, Mr. Sutton.

116. So, Mr. Sutton, when you came in with heartburn,

117. I bet you thought I'd kick your butt right out of here,

118. but not this guy. I admitted you,

119. and I stayed up all night studying your EKG because I had a hunch.

120. And no girlfriend. But mostly it was the hunch thing,

121. and that hunch paid off because if I hadn't found that blocked artery,

122. you'd be dead right now.

123. And here comes the gratitude,

124. the 2 words every doctor lives to hear.

125. Later, dude.

126. I can't believe he didn't thank me.

127. You'll thank me when you leave, won't you?

128. I don't know. Why are you so needy?

129. He keeps a hug schedule with his friends.

130. Oh, ok, Turk.

131. Looks like someone's getting crossed off their 2 o'clock spot

132. and getting penciled in for never.

133. How does that feel? Does it sting?

134. He's hurting. Hug him. Hug him now.

135. You guys, what would you do with $100 million?

136. A $100 million?

137. Sir, the super lotto jackpot was up to $100 million,

138. so earlier that morning...

139. I'm just saying think of what you could do with that kind of money.

140. - I could get a trained shark. - Why?

141. Thanks for inviting me over, Janitor.

142. Anytime, buddy. Anytime.

143. Wait for him. Wait for him.

144. Can opener!

145. The lobster's in the pot. Devour. Devour.

146. Something feels pinchy. Whulp! Aah!

147. Save me a leg.

148. Aah!

149. I'm in.

150. And you know, we could buy a lot more tickets

151. if you collect money from everyone.

152. I'll start going through their lockers.

153. No. I meant asking them.

154. Seems kind of roundabout, but ok.

155. Hey, Dr. Cox, you wanna put in for some lottery tickets?

156. Oh, gosh, Carla, I would.

157. I really would, but you see, I already set fire

158. to a big pile of money just this morning.

159. Hey, we have the same chance of winning as anyone else.

160. And the category is ding!

161. Things that have a better chance of happening

162. than you winning the lottery.

163. Tedski, throw 10 seconds on the clock for me, would you, please.

164. Go.

165. Brain transplants. Britney Spears having another hit record.

166. The rolling stones going on a farewell tour

167. and actually meaning it.

168. Me caring about, yehh, anything that happens on Wisteria Lane.

169. Jessica Simpson winning an Oscar. Jessica Alba winning an Oscar.

170. Jessica Simpson becoming Jessica Alba Simpson.

171. - Time. - Oh!

172. Anyway, that explains why I went into the room and said...

173. What would you do with $100 million?

174. - Me? Floating head doctor. - Here we go.

175. Yeah, I'd spend the money researching

176. how to successfully separate my head from my body.

177. That way, I could literally be in 2 places at once.

178. Looking good, Mr. Henderson.

179. Looking real good, nurse Myers.

180. Uh-oh.

181. He's flatlining!

182. Body, come!

183. Damn it.

184. Starting CPR.

185. Ow!

186. There'd probably be some kinks to work out initially.

187. Where is that whore?

188. Who's a whore?

189. That'd be me, sir.

190. Oh, of course. Would you care to elaborate?

191. You see, yesterday I went shoe shopping...

192. Shoe shopping.

193. (men, thinking) Shoe shopping.

194. Oh, puh-lease.

195. Jordan used to use that one on me all the time.

196. Immune. Watch this. Satin panties.

197. Fine. I was checking on Mrs. Wilk, and...

198. Mrs. Wilk, I just wanted to explain to you my behavior before.

199. It's not liking I was just making out with some random guy

200. in the hospital. I wouldn't do that.

201. Well, I did that once. There was this medevac pilot.

202. Actually he just turned out to be an orderly

203. who got his hands on a helicopter helmet, but this is different.

204. Sure, it could get complicated. He has a son.

205. And a wife.

206. I've been making out with a married man

207. while his sick child slept a few feet away!

208. Oh, my God. I've become my mother.

209. - You said your wife was dead. - No. I said she wasn't with us.

210. Don't make me out to be a bad guy.

211. Well, you're not a good guy.

212. Good guys don't lie about being single

213. or about being helicopter pilots.

214. If you were a good guy, you would get in there

215. and tell her what happened.

216. - You're right. - Hell, yeah, I am.

217. Wait, what?

218. You know how when something horrible happens,

219. like a car accident, everything slows down?

220. No!

221. Whore!

222. Where is that whore?

223. Hey, guys. What's up?

224. Elliot, would you do me a favor and cover Mr. Foster for me?

225. I have go to Mr. Sutton's house and get the thank-you I deserve.

226. You are so obsessing about this.

227. It's like the time you were convinced

228. that the cafeteria workers were giving you small waffles.

229. How'd that work out for you?

230. They waffle-ironed my foot. But this is different, buddy.

231. - Look, I need a ride. - Pass.

232. Oh, pass, huh?

233. Well, this is what happened last time you passed.

234. Ew.

235. Ok, put the foot away.

236. Put the waffle foot away.

237. This is where Sutton lives, all right.

238. Let's get in there.

239. J.D.

240. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

241. Dude.

242. Ok. Back away slowly.

243. Oh, no. Turk, they're organized.

244. Run!

245. Good Lord, bobbo. Was that your stomach?

246. And there it was. Hope.

247. Dr. Kelso's inability to deal with hunger was legendary.

248. We were as good as home.

249. I've heard enough.

250. - Let's call it and go to lunch. - Just hold on!

251. That is not the way it works, bobbo.

252. This is important, damn it.

253. You sit back down and get on with it.

254. Perry, I'm in charge here.

255. Ted, give him your sandwich.

256. I suppose I could spare a small corner.

257. All right, everyone. Just stay right where you are,

258. and we will be back in...

259. 2 minutes.

260. One sandwich later, we got back into it.

261. And then what happened, Dr. Dorian?

262. Well, sir, fortunately for us, ostriches are flightless birds.

263. There goes the sentry.

264. Every 3 minutes like clockwork.

265. Dude, can I admit something to you?

266. I kind of missed not getting my hug today.

267. Here comes your vanilla bear.

268. - J.D. J.D. Oh, J.D.-- - Whoa!

269. Oh.

270. Dude, don't sweat it.

271. It says here that the ostrich is generally a docile creature.

272. Thank God.

273. It also says their kick can kill a man.

274. What? I'm coming back up.

275. Turk.

276. Oh!

277. Mr. Sutton, I hope this isn't a bad time.

278. Who cares about Mr. Sutton?

279. So, Dr. Reid, you were covering Mr. Foster.

280. Actually, sir, I was on my way to cover Mr. Foster,

281. but then I stopped in Mrs. Wilk's room, and...

282. - What are you doing? - Don't look at me.

283. Keith, you see the woman standing outside?

284. Yeah, I see her.

285. I made out with husband this morning.

286. That's disgusting.

287. Ok, can you just get out of here and go do P.F.D's on Mr. Foster?

288. Dr. Reid, why are you hiding? You didn't do anything wrong.

289. If we all win this lottery,

290. then I am using that money to find a decent man.

291. You may kiss the bride.

292. Ahem.

293. Ahem. Heh. Whoa.

294. Save it for tonight, big guy.

295. Mazel tov.

296. Why did I make him Jewish? My parents will kill me.

297. Why ostriches?

298. They're such majestic creatures, don't you think?

299. And you know, they're kind of like my children.

300. Plus, I make belts out of their necks.

301. Ok, look, Mr. Sutton, I'm sure you're wondering why I'm here.

302. Aah!

303. There is a door.

304. You ok? Did you try and escape?

305. I did escape. There was one waiting in the car.

306. That's Leon, loves the car rides.

307. Likes to stick his head out the window,

308. and I tell him it's a little too dangerous,

309. but he doesn't listen to me.

310. Mr. Sutton, I cured you, and you never thanked me.

311. Why would I thank you for doing your job?

312. I'm a garbageman.

313. How many times a day do you think I get thanked?

314. - 6. - You're off by about 6.

315. 12.

316. Starting to see why Leon outfoxed you.

317. Stupid bird stole my hat.

318. I just don't see why it's such a big deal

319. for you to say, "hey, doc..."

320. Why did he just walk away like that?

321. I don't...

322. - Ruh-roh. - Don't move.

323. Have to admit he looks pretty phat in your Kango.

324. Hey, everybody, they're about to pick the lottery numbers.

325. And remember that when we win, we win as a family.

326. I set aside 20 tickets for just you and I to split.

327. Perfect.

328. Nurse Espinoza, Mr. Foster's cough is getting worse,

329. and Dr. Dorian's gone. Dr. Reid's covering,

330. but she's sort of indisposed.

331. Kid, I'm about to become a millionaire.

332. Call Dr. Turk. He's the surgeon on call.

333. You're missing out.

334. I bet there's plenty of things you could do with $100 million.

335. Oh, come on, you gotta make that shot!

336. Let me outta here! I will kill you!

337. I'm watching the game.

338. Sweetie, you wanna get naughty?

339. Ooh... I— oh, look at that. Ooh.

340. Ooh... yeah.

341. Oh, look...

342. Oh, come on, do it.

343. Ah, I can wait another day.

344. Button up and watch the game.

345. I gotta call my glass guy.

346. Mrs. Brown, I want you to know how sorry I am

347. for kissing your husband.

348. But we are 2 women who have both been wronged

349. and both been lied to.

350. And the healthiest thing for us to do right now

351. is just to walk away from each other with our dignity intact.

352. Don't you agree?

353. Do you know what I do with whores?

354. I punch them in the face.

355. Bring it, bitch.

356. Dude, are you really gonna sit here all day

357. just to thank your garbageman?

358. Yes. Jabari has been added to the hug schedule.

359. - You wanna wait with me? - I can't.

360. I was supposed to be on call 5 minutes ago.

361. This whole experience got me thinking about

362. the nature of gratitude.

363. I guess in the end...

364. Whether you're a doctor or a garbageman—

365. Dorian! What are you doing?

366. Sorry, sir. Sometimes I like to just sum things up.

367. Well, allow me to do that for you.

368. In the end, when Mr. Foster started coughing up blood...

369. the on-call surgeon was stuck in traffic...

370. the nursing staff was busy losing the lottery...

371. his original doctor was thanking a garbageman...

372. and the covering physician was incapacitated.

373. And what was Mr. Foster doing?

374. He was dying in the hands of the interns.

375. How did I do, Dr. Dorian?

376. Sorry I'm late.

377. I got the keys to my Miata stuck in the cadaver.

378. Cut to the chase there, pee pants.

379. Mr. Foster's death was the result of a Pulmonary Embolism,

380. probably caused by the 21-hour flight he was on from India.

381. But Dr. Flannery, the radiologist, should have caught it on the scan.

382. Working from an inaccurate report,

383. there was nothing any of you could have done

384. to prevent Mr. Foster from passing.

385. Which, I guess, leads us to you...

386. Dr. Flannery.

387. After a day like today,

388. there's really only one thing you can do.

389. Too bad radiologists.

390. Wait, wait, let me get in on this.

391. Let's also have a toast to Mr. Foster's widow

392. and his fatherless kids.

393. Dr. Cox, it wasn't our fault.

394. No. Because you were lucky.

395. You know as well as I do

396. it could have been any one of your faults.

397. Congrats again.

398. Have a...

399. have a swell party.

400. It's never easy when someone accuses you of screwing up

401. especially when you know it's true.

402. When that happens, you can't shrug it off.

403. Because in a hospital, the best way to learn from your mistakes

404. is to carry them with you.