Scrubs 5x7

Directed by Zach Braff

Sam Lloyd as Ted Buckland • Robert Maschio as Todd • Aloma Wright as Laverne Roberts • David Downs as Mr. Bolger • Rene Hall as Intern

In a "Wizard of Oz" homage, J.D. is trying to go home, Turk searches for a heart donor and Carla worries, that she doesn't have the courage to become a parent. Meanwhile, Elliot doesn't believe, that she has the brains to lead a question and answer session. Also, the Janitor is painting color coded lines throughout the hospital for easier navigation.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Living with Elliot was certainly different.

2. Every inch of her apartment was filled with girly stuff.

3. There were lavender-scented candles...

4. pink robes...

5. bath salts.

6. It was awesome.

7. My first day off in weeks.

8. Only one thing could make it better, cranking up the Toto.

9. Mango body butter?

10. Hmm.

11. Even though it sucks being paged by an intern,

12. there's nothing I like more than riding my scooter Sasha

13. through puddles after a rain.

14. And here comes a big 'un.

15. Where was I?

16. You're not aware of any sort of odd,

17. underground canal system beneath the hospital, are you?

18. I think I saw a manatee.

19. Was his name Julian?

20. We didn't exchange pleasantries.

21. That's Julian.

22. Watch it. Wet paint.

23. Kelso's starting a new line system to help people get around.

24. Green's gonna go to the smokers lounge,

25. blue to the I.C.U., yellow to all the exits.

26. - What's red for? - Sneaker painting.

27. Ok, I'm here. What's the emergency, Keith?

28. Do you want Mr. Fleming on unfractionated

29. or low molecular weight heparin?

30. They're the exact same thing. Every doctor here knows that.

31. Why would you page me?

32. Because I told him to, and I know what you're thinking, Dorothy.

33. Why would I have your intern call you in

34. on one of your very precious days off

35. for something so gosh darn trivial?

36. The real question ought to be: Why, when youwere an intern,

37. did you call me in time after time after time after time?

38. So now, to commemorate the first of many unnecessary disruptions

39. of your life, I've invited Laverne's church choir here...

40. to summarize my feelings in exuberant song.

41. I gotta get back home before anyone asks me to do stuff.

42. Fat guy! Go! Go! Go! Move out! Move out!

43. Thank you, fast food industry.

44. Dorian, I need you to do the residents' call schedules

45. - for next month. - Sir, I'm not even supposed

46. - to be here. - Ah, me neither, son.

47. I was one of the most promising, young short-stops

48. ever to come out of Altoona, Pennsylvania.

49. Then came the Dominicans.

50. Long story short, calling them all "pepe"

51. was apparently just racist enough to get me a life-long ban

52. from the Appalachian rookie league.

53. Have the schedules on my desk by lunch.

54. Aww.

55. That's gonna be us someday.

56. How does that not make you nervous?

57. I mean, what if our kid's out of control?

58. Like I was watching Webster last night, right,

59. and Webster got all into the pancake mix,

60. and, baby, I mean all into the pancake mix.

61. Oh, Turk, that's a stupid sitcom.

62. I mean that's a sitcom.

63. What if the second our baby's born, I start screwing things up?

64. Oh, my God. Hey, little...

65. Ohh, I can't believe it.

66. Ok, either the heat in my office is broken

67. or I drifted off and fantasized about Rudy Giuliani again.

68. Ha ha! He's not even sexy. Right, baby?

69. Ay, Rudy, don't stop.

70. - Baby! - Huh?

71. Relax. She's only fantasizing 'cause you don't satisfy her.

72. Anyhoo, can someone take Jack for a minute?

73. No problem.

74. Thank you.

75. See, Turk? I'm great with kids,

76. and I promise you don't even have to check in as a parent

77. until you have to teach our son about sports.

78. And satisfying women.

79. 'Cause I know how to satisfy a woman, right, baby?

80. I'm sure you can.

81. That's what I'm talkin' about.

82. Done... And I am out of here.

83. Dammit!

84. Hey, you've got to stop paging me for totally unimportant things.

85. Ohh!

86. That man's chest cavity is completely open.

87. I can see his heart beating.

88. He sneezed and all his surgical staples popped out.

89. Good page, Keith, good page.

90. Ok, rockers— that's my name for doctors who rock—

91. next patient. Hmm.

92. Ever since her fellowship,

93. Elliot loved that her interns saw her as an endocrinology expert.

94. Dr. Reid, why would Mr. Baum develop new onset diabetes

95. and high blood pressure simultaneously?

96. Well, as an endocrinology expert, in my expert opinion,

97. both can be expertly explained by a pituitary adenoma

98. causing cushing syndrome.

99. Hate to burst your bubble there, Barbie,

100. but your endocrinology fellowship lasted all of 5 days.

101. Granted to you, 5 days may seem like an eternity,

102. seeing as it's roughly 5 times

103. as long as any of your white, pasty relationships have lasted,

104. but trust me, that hardly makes you an expert.

105. Oh, really? Because you never went to ass face school,

106. but you seem to be an expert at that. Am I right?

107. - Here's some. - Ha ha.

108. You're going to high-five that?

109. Bi-ig mistake.

110. I didn't know what I was high-fiving.

111. I gotta stop doing that.

112. Did you eat my mango body butter?

113. - No. - I shmeared it on a bagel.

114. Dr. Kelso!

115. 'Sup.

116. Look, I just heard that we're doing

117. our first ever in-house heart transplant.

118. Now I know you'll be objective

119. in choosing which surgical resident gets to assist,

120. but I also thought you might enjoy

121. this commemorative Dr. Kelso bobble head. Huh?

122. Oh, bobble heads.

123. You always think you're gonna get bored with it, but you never do.

124. Bobbly bobbly bobbly bobbly bobbly

125. bobbly bobbly bobbly bobbly bobbly—

126. sir?

127. Huh? Oh! Turkleton, you're still here.

128. Did you honestly think you'd be the only surgeon

129. to walk in here and try to bribe me?

130. Inflatable five.

131. None of you will be assisting on anything

132. because we still don't have a donor heart.

133. Last night, Mr. Bulger here was declared brain dead.

134. We have to convince his family to pull the plug and give us his heart.

135. Whichever one of you benihana rejects pulls this off

136. gets the operation.

137. Go!

138. My band has decided we're only singing songs

139. from classic movies now.

140. Ted, I'm a little busy, ok? Toodles.

141. Dr. Reid, what are the possible cardiac complications

142. to thyrotoxicosis?

143. Hmm.

144. Um, hold on. I just have to blow my nose.

145. Even though I was happy for Elliot,

146. the endocrinology expert,

147. I still couldn't figure out how she knew so damn much.

148. Ahem. To answer your question,

149. thyrotoxicosis can manifest with incessant tachycardia,

150. leading to a cardiomyopathy.

151. Therefore, Mr. Langley's pancreatitis

152. is most likely secondary to gallstones.

153. Wrong-o, Perry.

154. Mr. Langley's pancreatitis is most likely due to

155. type I familial hyperlipoproteinemia,

156. as demonstrated by the eruptive xanthomas on his achilles tendon.

157. Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

158. Interns, flee now.

159. Now there is just no way you could have known that

160. off the top of that straw-colored scarecrow head of yours.

161. Hold on. I need to take a quick mental picture

162. of your total humiliation.

163. Got it.

164. There are, actually, many things in life that I've yet to figure out,

165. like why men wear cell phones on their belt

166. when they could so easily fit them in their pocket

167. mere millimeters away

168. or why, and I'm not complaining...

169. women wear tube tops, even though every 10 seconds

170. it makes them do this.

171. "You gotta get back in there now!"

172. But of all my endless queries,

173. the one thing I damn sure will figure out and soon

174. is how you keep coming up with all these fancy pants answers.

175. It is, for all intents and purposes, like they're falling from the sky.

176. Excuse me.

177. Can anybody else watch this kid for a second?

178. Ohh.

179. She'll be all right.

180. I wonder what's taking Jordan so long.

181. Oh, my God! It's like 130 degrees in here!

182. Ohh!

183. I have got to get out of here!

184. Hmm, I think the silicone in my lips is expanding.

185. Anyway, I gotta talk to the Bulger family

186. about getting their son's heart, but I can't find them anywhere.

187. Oh, they're in the doctors lounge.

188. Oh, my God, Laverne, I love you.

189. Listen, if any other surgeon asks about them,

190. you send them someplace else—

191. the cafeteria, the zoo, I don't care.

192. I'm going to get my heart.

193. We're just not sure, Dr. Turk.

194. When a career-making opportunity

195. is slipping through their fingers, even a doctor can succumb

196. to one of the basest human impulses...

197. You know, I've donated an organ.

198. they can lie.

199. See, my buddy, he was sick,

200. and so I gave him one of my kidneys.

201. But my son has only one heart.

202. But, uh, a short time after that, I donated my other kidney.

203. We're gonna check on our son.

204. Ok, the coast is clear.

205. Just a few more steps and you're out of here.

206. J.D.!

207. I need to talk to someone.

208. - Here, take him. - What?

209. - Yup. - No, come on.

210. Hey, wait, no!

211. Dr. Reid, our hospital lecture series is tonight

212. and our psychologist, Dr. Burke, had to cancel his talk

213. on fear of public speaking.

214. Why? Because he's afraid of speaking in public?

215. No. His depression finally got the best of him and he hung himself.

216. Anyhoo, we need a speaker

217. and Dr. Cox suggested you'd be the perfect person

218. for an intensive Q & A on endocrinology.

219. Be in the classroom at 6:00.

220. And, Barbie, say, if it's cold in there,

221. you can just borrow my lab coat.

222. It's super warm because I lined it with these.

223. Ta-da!

224. Um...

225. J.D., I have to admit this to somebody.

226. I don't like kids!

227. What are you talking about? You're the most maternal person I know.

228. I'm a nurse, J.D. I'm trained to fake it.

229. I just don't see what's so adorable.

230. I mean, "yay, you made a poopie in the potty."

231. I'm supposed to be impressed?

232. There's a monkey at the zoo who can do that.

233. I mean, you know, when he's not playing with himself.

234. Well, if you don't want to have a baby, Carla, don't have a baby.

235. But, J.D., I want to have a child with Turk

236. more than anything in the world.

237. I know, it's crazy, but I'm a girl. That's how we roll.

238. What am I gonna do?

239. I'm supposed to be the brave one.

240. Dude, you got to help me out.

241. A hospital can sometimes feel like a magical place...

242. where people's hopes and dreams are often far from ordinary.

243. Whether they're looking for brains...

244. a heart...

245. or courage.

246. As for me, I was just gonna keep on following that yellow line...

247. and hope I'd eventually get back home.

248. - So how was the zoo? - It was awesome.

249. They had lions and tigers and bears—

250. Oh, my. Hey, there.

251. Dude, it was awful.

252. I couldn't stop lying to them.

253. I only have 2 moves.

254. If surgery goes well—

255. the fake modest nod and wink.

256. Now if surgery goes bad and the guy dies,

257. there's always the head shake, sad walk-away.

258. Turk, Toto and I are going home.

259. Fine!

260. Ok, I'll help.

261. Thank you. Now how do I tell these people

262. they should let their son go?

263. Just try and imagine what they're going through.

264. I mean, sometimes I think about what it's gonna be like when you die.

265. Because you think I'm going first due to my diabetes.

266. Right. And where do we meet up in heaven?

267. At the milkshake pool on the lesbian cloud.

268. I'll see you there, player! I love religion.

269. The point is, Turk, if someone tried to pull the plug on you

270. without being totally honest with me,

271. - you know where they'd end up? - In hell watching theview.

272. Next to the super high unreachable cupcake table.

273. After trying to get out of the hospital vertically,

274. I decided to go the horizontal route—

275. hiding in a body bag.

276. - Can you press lobby, please? - Aaaahhh!

277. Oww! Oww! Oww!

278. Doug, why are you hitting me?

279. 'Cause I thought you were a dead guy coming back to life!

280. - Then why were you hitting me? - Dead people should be dead.

281. - There you are. Come on. - No, no. Elliot,

282. I'm not even supposed to be here today. I'm going home.

283. So if I understand correctly, you left my only child

284. with a creepy borderline psychotic who hates everyone.

285. How is that different from leaving him with you?

286. I have freckles.

287. Oil can. Oil can!

288. - Thank you. - Hey, yo, where's my son?

289. Oh, he's playing with the birds out on the ledge.

290. - What? - I'm kidding.

291. Come on, he's green.

292. Hmm.

293. Come on.

294. Yeah, the little nipper got ahold of a paint gun

295. when I was painting this green line

296. down to the smokers lounge.

297. Thanks to him, I only got halfway down.

298. You look familiar.

299. You ever play ball in Pennsylvania?

300. Pepe?

301. Mr. Bulger. Look, before you throw me out of here...

302. I just want to apologize about earlier.

303. I don't know what I was thinking.

304. But rest assured, from here on out, whatever you ask me...

305. I'll be completely honest with you.

306. Do you shave your head

307. because you like the way it looks or because you're going bald?

308. Bald.

309. Ok, next question.

310. With all those topical treatments,

311. let's just say I wasn't completely functional.

312. Why are all the surgical residents

313. being so relentless about my son's heart?

314. Because whichever one of us convinces you to pull the plug

315. and donate his heart gets to assist in the transplant.

316. You're talking about my son here... and you don't even know him.

317. What's his name?

318. Ray.

319. How you doing, Ray?

320. Now ask me if I think it's the right thing to do,

321. even if you request that I don't assist.

322. Do you?

323. Yes.

324. I'm really sorry.

325. J.D., there is no way that I'm gonna be able to pull this off.

326. In a few hours, I'm going to have a room full of specialists

327. firing questions at me.

328. I'm gonna be a bigger fraud than Barry Bonds.

329. Ok, you know he's an athlete of some kind.

330. Just say something general.

331. Still, I love it when Bonds wins at the game that he plays.

332. Look, Elliot, you know how people become specialists?

333. They obsess about the material over and over again

334. until it becomes lodged into their brains,

335. and that's exactly what you've been doing.

336. Watch. Where's the closest page you've hidden around here?

337. Huh? You are good.

338. All right, look,

339. "what's the leading differential in an obese woman suffering

340. from amenorrhea and hirsutism?"

341. Polycystic ovaries.

342. Oh, my God, I knew it! Ha! Up here.

343. Ha ha!

344. Dr. Cox?

345. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.

346. Why aren't you freaking out?

347. Look at him. Your kid's, like, all green and slimy.

348. I suppose it's because when Jordan was pregnant,

349. I mentally prepared myself

350. for her giving birth to something green and slimy.

351. Where is Jordan, anyway?

352. The wicked witch of the east wing?

353. Help! I'm melting in here!

354. Anyone! Help! I'm melting!

355. So he's green, don't beat yourself up, Carla.

356. Come on, so far on my watch,

357. he's gotten stitches, cut his own hair,

358. and eaten over $4.00 in change.

359. Honestly,

360. if I ever need to feed the parking meter,

361. I just check the diaper, don't I?

362. You don't understand.

363. I didn't dump him on the janitor because I was busy.

364. I dumped him on him because he was working my last nerve

365. and I wanted to smoosh his face.

366. I'm not meant for this.

367. Carla, look at me and Jordan.

368. - You know how we hate everyone? - Yeah?

369. Well, and that goes doubley for children.

370. It's true. They're loud, you can't understand them,

371. they're like tiny cab drivers.

372. But, trust me...

373. when you do have your own kid, you won't feel that way.

374. Yeah? Well, what will be different?

375. He'll be yours.

376. Sir, I was watching that.

377. Well, why don't I just tell you what happened.

378. Uncle Phillip gets Webster the dog

379. despite George and ma'am's objections.

380. It was good. Now, on your feet.

381. They need you in the O.R. to assist on the heart transplant.

382. The Bulgers said yes?

383. Mr. Bulger wanted you to have this.

384. His son's driver's license?

385. Turn it over.

386. Every so often, a wizard comes along

387. and tells you exactly what you need to hear.

388. Seems like you had a heart all along.

389. Superior vena cava?

390. That's right.

391. See? You had the brains all along.

392. Trust me, Carla.

393. When you do have your own kid...

394. you're gonna find you had the courage to be a parent all along.

395. Thank you.

396. - Dorothy, you going home, are you? - Yup.