Scrubs 5x6

Directed by Bill Lawrence • Victor Nelli Jr.

Robert Maschio as Todd • Aloma Wright as Laverne Roberts • Gary Busey as Gary Busey • John Serembe as Mr. Jenkins • Thomas Crawford as Mr. Peele

J.D. mistakes an elderly woman's happiness as her wish to stop treatment for a fatal illness. Turk and Elliot struggle to find the cause of a patient's body pain and Carla tries to organize the annual group photo.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. Since my scooter was in the shop,

2. I didn't know how I was gonna get to work today.

3. But luckily, my neighbor Ronald lent me his ride.

4. Ronald's 6. But I still got there in time

5. to steal a security guard's arts and leisure section.

6. Hello...

7. Around here, everyone has some sort of morning ritual

8. whether it's getting help on the daily word jumble

9. from your Dyslexic Tracheotomy patient...

10. - T-P-I-P-O-E. - Pot pie.

11. Save your voice, Marsha. Save it.

12. Cursing out an innocent orderly

13. over a stolen physical therapy tub...

14. Damn it, you'd better find it.

15. Physical therapy tubs just don't disappear.

16. Well, for some, just a relaxing afternoon soak on the roof.

17. Oh, come on, let me in. This totally covers my boys.

18. Try and get in here wearing that thing.

19. I'm gonna give you a 4-story atomic wedgie.

20. Aah, my eyes!

21. Oh, yeah, it hurt.

22. When you accept the keys to the hog,

23. you become a lifetime member of the danger club.

24. Excuse me, fine ladies.

25. I've got lives to save.

26. Oh. Ronald's gonna be mad.

27. Yeah? Well, he's 6. What's he gonna do, kick my ass?

28. Again.

29. Hey, check this chart out.

30. This guy says he's been in pain for 3 months.

31. For doctors, pain is complicated.

32. Every patient handles it differently.

33. Depending on their race...

34. Does what hurt?

35. gender...

36. Ow! I just bit the inside of my lip.

37. Aah. Nothing has ever hurt so badly.

38. or even their sex life...

39. Oh, yeah. That feels good.

40. And since there's no way to truly gauge

41. how much pain someone's in, we have to rely on our pain chart.

42. Mr. Peel, you're about a 7 on the pain chart.

43. - Yep. You're a 7. - What's a 10?

44. That's a 10.

45. After 4 years here, I'm finally comfortable

46. with helping myself to the nurses muffin basket.

47. Blueberry, cram-carrots, zucchini, poppy seed, chocolate chip.

48. All right, everybody.

49. Last one here has to do a double shift this weekend.

50. Keith, you just lost your weekend.

51. What? I totally beat Lisa.

52. Lisa, call that androgynous husband of yours

53. and tell him or her you're mine this weekend.

54. But I feel like I edged out James.

55. Ok. I try crystal-clear on the ground rules.

56. Ok, tomorrow's gonna be the last one to touch my face.

57. Nah, I'm not gonna like it. The last one to touch bot— no.

58. That's probably illegal.

59. I'll tell you what, I'll just email everyone.

60. That's what I'll do. In this day and age, that's what you do.

61. Ok, over here. Guys, Mr. Jenkins

62. spent all night without being treated.

63. Now I know he's homeless and smells like an obese man's Tuzzy...

64. - Hey. - Sorry. Thought you were dozing.

65. The thing is, guys, it doesn't matter

66. if he's a homeless guy or some senile old racist...

67. Which people do I hate again?

68. Immigrants, Mr. Bursick. You hate all immigrants.

69. - And who do I hate— - I don't have time, Mr. Bursick.

70. Guys, if I give you a patient,

71. I expect you to work your butts off for them.

72. And P.S., Mr. Jenkins is a Vietnam vet.

73. Let's take care of him like he took care of our nation.

74. Get out of here!

75. That's how you light a fire under their butts, Perry.

76. You get them going with some inspiration.

77. Too much talking. Too much talking.

78. Why did you order a B.M.P. Test on my patient Mrs. Wilk last night?

79. Because she's my patient.

80. Interesting, seeing as I admitted her.

81. And I treated her last night.

82. Dr. Dorian, why do I hate all—

83. Because they're stealing all of our jobs, Mr. Bursick.

84. Stealing all of our jobs.

85. Perry, we spent an equal amount of time with Mrs. Wilk.

86. Now, seeing as we're both attendings, i.e. equals,

87. why don't we let her decide who her doctor is, huh?

88. Or we could skip the daytrip to unnecessary land

89. and instead simply concede that Mrs. Wilk is my patient

90. and while we are both attendings, we are in no way equals.

91. We are in fact not equals.

92. We are... un-equals.

93. - I choose Dr. Dorian. - Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

94. I don't even believe it! I don't believe it!

95. I don't believe it, lieve it, lieve it! Hoo-hoo-hoo!

96. Yes! I'm shaking. Look at this. It's crazy talk.

97. He played hearts with me all night.

98. Oh.

99. You're a very strange young man, aren't you?

100. I was a preemie.

101. Mr. Peel, I have run every test

102. and I cannot find any medical reason for your pain.

103. Gaah!

104. Then Elliot did what every good doctor does

105. when they're truly stumped. She pawned him off.

106. I've called a surgical consult.

107. Help has arrived! Help has arrived.

108. Turkelton.

109. And then Turk said what every surgeon says

110. when he's not sure of what to do.

111. Hmm. Mind if I slice you open?

112. - Aah! - Aah!

113. Uncool!

114. Ok, listen up, everyone!

115. I'm sure you all got the flyer I made

116. reminding everyone of the annual staff picture.

117. I need to know by a show of hands

118. how many of you aren't going to be able to make it.

119. Oh, come on!

120. Aren't you guys embarrassed by our last 3 staff pictures?

121. Laverne...

122. I'm gonna need a little bit of your church enthusiasm to help sell this.

123. Damn it, everyone, we are a family!

124. And I know we love each other.

125. So can't we just take 10 minutes from our day

126. to take a real staff photo?

127. The tambourine's a little much, Laverne.

128. Carla, I don't photograph well.

129. On my driver's license, I look like Gary Busey.

130. They say the same thing about me.

131. Ha-ha-ha!

132. See you later, Elliot.

133. I am gonna let big Bob here give the first excuse.

134. Blah-blah-blah. I'm not doing it.

135. I'm caught on his collar!

136. This picture is happening!

137. - No, it's not. - Oh, what do you know, mop jock?

138. I've predicted a couple of things over the years.

139. The kitchen fire of '97.

140. The kitchen fire of '98.

141. The Arson conviction of Luis, the fry cook.

142. And, of course, the eventual termination

143. of the hospital's "convicts to cooks" program.

144. The bottom line? Not gonna happen.

145. By the way, I won't be at the picture, either.

146. You'll be there. You'll all be there.

147. Hello! If you're wondering

148. what a thank you for being my doctor card from Mrs. Wilk looks like,

149. it looks a little something like this.

150. "Happy anniversary, gals"?

151. Oops. This one's actually from my aunt Judy and her lady friend.

152. - Must have grabbed the wrong card. - Newbie!

153. Oh, right. Your imaginary warning light.

154. Don't be mad, Perry. This day was bound to come.

155. See, I've studied you.

156. I've taken your best qualities and my best qualities

157. and I've combined them into something even better.

158. Much the way that ice tea and lemonade

159. were joined to become an Arnold Palmer.

160. Incidentally, has anyone ever done less to become famous?

161. I mean, "yay for me, I mixed 2 drinks together."

162. Arnold Palmer is a golfer.

163. I'm sure he has lots of hobbies, Perry. The man's a drink mogul.

164. "Dear..."

165. In a hospital, even the best of moods

166. can be ruined simply by somebody handing you a chart.

167. Do you have any family, Mrs. Wilk?

168. No. I was married twice.

169. Divorced one. The other one died.

170. Wrong one died.

171. Look, Mrs. Wilk, you have something called Systemic Amyloidosis.

172. Now, it's in your liver now,

173. but it'll eventually shut down all your organs.

174. There is a treatment, but it's very invasive,

175. and at best, it'll just give you a little more time.

176. - Well, I've had a great life, so— - Say no more.

177. I'm gonna take amazing care of you.

178. Ok.

179. - How's it going today, buddy? - Pretty crappy.

180. I just had to tell an old lady she's dying. How about you?

181. Ok. Elliot turfed this chronic pain patient to me.

182. I have no idea what's wrong with him,

183. so I have to do exploratory surgery.

184. I always wondered what exploratory surgery was like.

185. I've made the first incision. I'm going in.

186. Aah!

187. Nurse! Hat!

188. The colon. Why'd it have to be colon?

189. Removing the golden tumor.

190. Ladies.

191. They knew the risks.

192. Watch out for colon darts.

193. Where's the doughnut truck?

194. I got paged there was a doughnut truck out here.

195. I got paged that there was a handbag sample sale.

196. Where's the booby touching booth?

197. It was like everyone was lured out here

198. by the thing they want most in the world.

199. Hey, you're not getting your ass kicked.

200. Hold the phone! Look!

201. Bleachers! Ladder!

202. Bucket of combs!

203. She's trying to take a picture!

204. - Scatter! - Ooh!

205. Nobody move!

206. Laverne! Door!

207. Nobody's getting past here, baby!

208. Ok, everybody, 1, 2

209. - And 3. - 3!

210. What are you doing' here?

211. Mrs. Wilk was asking me some questions

212. that I actually thought would be best answered by you.

213. Why did that sweaty attorney ask me if my affairs were in order?

214. Because I wanted to make sure that you're as comfortable as possible.

215. As comfortable as possible? For what?

216. I'm going to sit for this.

217. For the place that you're going.

218. You know, the big puffy clouds, the bright lights,

219. all your old friends?

220. - Seattle? - No, no, no.

221. Not Seattle. The, you know, the dying peacefully place.

222. What are you talking about?

223. Now I'm going to stand.

224. This morning you told me that you had a great life.

225. Exactly, and I'd like to continue it.

226. Oh, this is just a misunderstanding. I'm so sorry.

227. Tell her there's a misunderstanding, then.

228. He's tried to kill before.

229. In a hospital, the words "I'm sorry"

230. can mean a lot of different things.

231. So, the surgery went fine.

232. Unfortunately, I didn't find any medical reason for your pain.

233. It can mean "I'm giving up on you."

234. I'm sorry.

235. It can mean you're not sorry at all.

236. Sorry your picture didn't come out.

237. Yeah.

238. And sometimes "I'm sorry" can mean

239. your services are no longer needed.

240. I'm sorry, Dr. Dorian.

241. So you gave her the old death sentence, did you?

242. In the business, we call that a rookie mistake,

243. but thanks for playing.

244. Who the hell's responsible for this?

245. Unfortunately, not even my giant mouthful

246. of apple, pear, orange, banana, cherry, berry

247. could lift my depression about losing my patient to Dr. Cox.

248. Hand over your stethoscope.

249. What?

250. In victory, I get your stethoscope.

251. It's a trophy. You're lucky we're not back in olden times.

252. I'd have made a necklace out of your teeth.

253. I find this highly unprofessional.

254. Now I'm going to check on Mr. Jenkins, your war hero.

255. I feel he too, deserves a competent doctor.

256. In fact, I'm gonna take all of your patients,

257. and consequently, your only reason

258. for getting out of that Lacy, over-pillowed,

259. 4-poster virgin cocoon you call bed every morning.

260. Gotta get Mrs. Wilk back.

261. Who gave her a shade remote?

262. I didn't even know we had shade remotes.

263. Aw. Either your picture didn't come out

264. or we got a hospital full of vampire doctors.

265. Vampire doctors?

266. How did he hear about my screenplay?

267. I don't know why you did it, but I know it was you.

268. - How? - Because it's always you.

269. - It's not always me! - Yah!

270. Who the hell put tiny wheels on my shoes?

271. Well, that's his fault. He took a nap in the lounge.

272. Why would you ruin this for me?

273. I mean, I didn't even ask you to be there.

274. Imagine that. I've been working here 13 years,

275. and I guess I don't rate as part of the family.

276. Did you want to be in the picture?

277. No! It's just— I'd—who—

278. it's—I—I...

279. I gotta go.

280. I actually love these.

281. Miss Brooks, your blood work looks fine.

282. But I'd like to take one more sample, just for me.

283. Oh... oh...

284. You know, you taste a little anemic.

285. Get that down to the lab, buddy.

286. Right away, Dr. Acula.

287. That's what they call me. How you doing'?

288. The end.

289. So Dr. Acula's a doctor and a vampire?

290. He's both. And at the very end,

291. I'm gonna put "Dr. Acula" across the screen,

292. take that period, get it outta there,

293. squish it together, it'll say Dracula.

294. That is an awesome ending!

295. Thank you for telling me what I already know, Turk.

296. Frick! It's Mrs. Peel!

297. One of us has to talk to her!

298. All right, the first one to chug their slushie is off the hook.

299. Come on, here we go!

300. Aah!

301. Oh, brain freeze!

302. Why is my husband being discharged?

303. Look, Mrs. Peel, we really cannot judge—

304. Aah! Hah-hah!

305. Turk, come on!

306. It's so cold!

307. Mrs. Peel, even though Dr. Turk

308. is currently incapacitated by his cherry-flavored beverage,

309. he is a fantastic surgeon.

310. And he didn't find anything. And I am a great doctor—

311. Eh-eh.

312. And I didn't either.

313. Don't you think that maybe the pain could all be in his head?

314. Last week, we were all watching TV

315. and he was in too much pain to get up and use the bathroom.

316. So he soiled himself on the couch right in front of our son.

317. How do you explain that?

318. Maybe there was a really good game on television.

319. Probably not.

320. Aah! My screenplay!

321. Hey, sport!

322. You just lit your pipe on my title page.

323. I heard Mr. Wilk gave you the axe.

324. She said, "I've led a great life,"

325. and every doctor in the world knows that's code for,

326. I'm ready to die.

327. How old do you think I am, Dorian?

328. Ok, there's no way to answer that and not get in trouble.

329. Change the subject.

330. Sir, I would be honored

331. if you and Enid would join me at my place on Sunday

332. for some homemade jambalaya.

333. Well, it would be good for Enid to get out of the house.

334. Oh, my God, he's actually thinking about it!

335. Change the subject back!

336. You're 78, sir.

337. - You think I'm that old? - Jambalaya.

338. - I'm 57, num nuts. - Really?

339. And I know they say 57 is the new 40.

340. Who?

341. But lately it seems all people see when they look in my direction

342. is some old guy.

343. Just last week, I was in the mall hanging out at Brookstone's.

344. Some kid asked me if I was lost.

345. Brookstone. Were you looking for gadgets, sir?

346. If that's what you call trawling for mall ass, then, yeah.

347. - Ok. - The point is

348. you think Mrs. Wilk is old enough to die.

349. I'm betting she doesn't agree.

350. How am I supposed to know the Janitor has feelings?

351. We should have just believed Mr. Peel.

352. It's not like somebody just poos their pants for no reason.

353. Turk did that in college on a bet.

354. Carla did not know that story. Thank you.

355. Sometimes when you're feeling guilty,

356. it's like a storm cloud over your head.

357. I knew there was only one way to make the guilt storm go away.

358. Mrs. Wilk, I'm sorry.

359. Mrs. Wilk, I just wanted to say I was wrong

360. to think you wouldn't want to try every possible treatment there is

361. to avoid, you know...

362. the place where the...

363. You know, there's clouds and

364. the space needle.

365. Seattle.

366. Yes, you were.

367. But thank you.

368. You're welcome.

369. You got a lotta pluck for an older gal.

370. How old do you think I am?

371. Jambalaya!

372. There are a lot of ways to make amends.

373. It can be as simple as including someone...

374. Hey.

375. I want you to be in the picture.

376. Oh!

377. I thought you were trying to kill me.

378. I fought the urge.

379. - Ok. - Thank you.

380. or as complicated as committing to a difficult journey.

381. Mr. Peel, we believe your pain's real.

382. And you're not going anywhere until we figure it out.

383. Thank you.

384. The important thing is to regain the respect of your peers.

385. Say, newbie, I gotta hand it to ya.

386. It took the heart of a lion to apologize to Mrs. Wilk like that.

387. Thank you.

388. Of course, it took the incompetence of a bewildered jackass

389. to make that error to begin with.

390. Never make assumptions based on your own perceptions.

391. Just never do it.

392. Really? You've been spending a lot of time

393. treating my guy Mr. Jenkins, right?

394. Right. He's a Vietnam veteran. He deserves as much.

395. Yeah, actually, he's just a homeless guy.

396. I made up the war veteran story to motivate my boys,

397. but what are you gonna do?

398. Oh, come on. You've gotten me like a hundred times.

399. I finally got you once. It was bound to happen, right?

400. I see your point. Kindly blow it out your ass.

401. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

402. How did you get all these people to come out here?

403. Fear.

404. Ok, everybody,

405. 1, 2...

406. 3!