Scrubs 5x5

Directed by Victor Nelli Jr.

Cheryl Hines as Paige • Carol Hickey as Mrs. Donnelly • Wesley Leong as Mr. Kwan • Nami Paix as Mrs. Kwan • Ryan Boone as Elliot's Date

Dr. Cox's religious sister Paige comes to visit for her nephew's baptism. Turk is finding out, just how unsexy baby making can be. Elliot helps him realize that Carla finds the whole process to be romantic. Elswhere, J.D. and the Janitor start a buddy friendship.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. After 4 years, I know the hospital so well

2. I can sneak in a little nap walk before rounds.

3. 2 quick steps to the left to avoid overly ambitious orderly.

4. Hop over the dead guy Doug's dragging

5. because he lost his gurney again.

6. The man's dead, J.D. Show some respect.

7. And finally, Dr. Kelso's 9 am wrong shoulder tap.

8. Damn it. Every morning tapping. No one's ever there.

9. Of course, you can't be ready for everything.

10. Help me move this weekend.

11. and we walk away.

12. Remind me again why you're having our son baptized.

13. Oh, what do you care? You're not even going.

14. Fine. Let him go to church. I mean, I let him go to magic shows.

15. I'll just tell him it's all a lie when he gets home

16. so he doesn't have any of those crazy nightmares.

17. By the way, I invited your sister.

18. Jordan, please tell me you didn't.

19. Well, I'm sorry, sweetie.

20. I didn't realize you'd be so upset.

21. I'll call her and tell her not to come.

22. Ha-ha! How weird would it be if I was like that?

23. Totally. Ha-ha-ha! Weird.

24. When is this joyous occasion?

25. You're not invited.

26. Oh, I see. Family only, everyone. That's how they're doing it.

27. I'm going.

28. Newbie, give me a break, will you? Of course, you're going.

29. As a matter of fact, I... I'd like you to be the boy's Godfather.

30. I am honored.

31. I am lying.

32. I'm not sure I see how that's funny.

33. - What's with the second beeper? - Carla gave it to me.

34. She's got me on 24-hour baby-making alert, man.

35. We haven't had sex since her last ovulation.

36. Did you know that women only do that once a month?

37. Of course I knew that, Turk. I'm a doctor.

38. Once a month? That's crazy!

39. I don't know why I even bother ovulating.

40. Little Haylie doesn't have a chance this month.

41. I name my eggs. Big Frick. Last month, it was Cassie.

42. - Ooh, Cassie's pretty. - Oh, she would have been, J.D.

43. She would have been.

44. Everyone! This is my sister Paige.

45. Paige, I'd like you to meet random people I don't care about.

46. Ah. Here for the baptism.

47. I remember my son Harrison's big day.

48. All of us laughing at him in his frilly, little baptism dress.

49. Well, we're not laughing anymore.

50. Harrison's a poofter. Bob Kelso.

51. Hi, I'm J.D. I'm sure Perry's spoken of me.

52. No.

53. Nothing about taking a talented go-getter under his wing

54. or being surrogate father to a boy who's lost his own?

55. Nothing about that at all. I'm surprised.

56. It's interesting to me, but ok.

57. Don't cry in front of people.

58. Perry and I don't talk much.

59. Oh, they don't talk much, everybody. There's no talking in the family.

60. Rest assured, newbie, even if we did talk from morning till night

61. about all the big and tiny things that matter most to me,

62. the big being my son Jack, cure of cancer,

63. and the resurgence of the hard shell taco—

64. The small being my ex-wife Jordan, wind energy,

65. and fruit-infused liquors,

66. your name still would not have come up.

67. And honestly, not sure which one of you I find more she-irritating.

68. What does he find he-irritating about you?

69. Fire at will.

70. I've embraced the lord Jesus Christ as my personal savior.

71. I'm not sure why it was suddenly so awkward,

72. but I wish something would break the tension.

73. Smack the money-maker.

74. Smack it.

75. - That's how he likes it. - Aw! Sex time, people.

76. He's married, so it's strictly procreation sex.

77. His wife's throwing her legs up in the air

78. because they're trying for a boy...

79. like Jesus.

80. You know what used to drive Perry nuts as a kid?

81. Every night, we'd play horse in the driveway

82. and I'd always kick his ass.

83. Can Christians say "ass" now?

84. I have a friend, pat Casey,

85. he called his mom and asked once.

86. She hit him in the face with an iron.

87. He still goes to church, but he can't whistle anymore.

88. Ok. I'm gonna go say hi to Jordan.

89. She's dynamite.

90. How'd you end up with a born-again Christian sister?

91. I don't know.

92. Maybe the TV was broken one day

93. and she picked up the Bible and found it to be

94. just a darn good read or maybe it had something to do

95. with our mother's ability to watch silently

96. as our dad drunkenly knocked us from room to room.

97. What do you think there, newbie?

98. Probably the room to room thing.

99. It's always hard to find the right words at a moment like this.

100. Dr. Cox.

101. If it makes you feel any better, at the baptism,

102. I'll be there to keep Paige company.

103. Yeah. You're not going.

104. Dammit! Stupid baptism.

105. Ok, so my cervical mucus is peaking.

106. My temperature is slightly elevated.

107. And these pillows will keep my vagina angled

108. so that the semen can pool against my cervix.

109. Baby, that is some God-awful dirty talk.

110. Turk, we're making' a baby. Let's get down to business.

111. Honey, I need to feel the heat!

112. I need at least 30 minutes of foreplay.

113. Then and only then can I be fully ready...

114. to make love to you.

115. Tyra Banks.

116. There. You're ready.

117. Oh. Hey, fellas, I'm trying to give somebody the evil eye over there.

118. Would you mind breaking it up so I can, you understand.

119. Thanks, fellas.

120. Very nice of you. Appreciate it.

121. Thank you.

122. He's just mad because I won't help him move.

123. Well, you should've done it.

124. Helping someone move is like oral sex.

125. You do it once, and then they owe you for life.

126. My high school boyfriend's an accountant now,

127. and he still does my taxes for free.

128. You know what's weird? He also does my brother Barry's.

129. My son Harrison dabbles in Sadomasochism,

130. and he has a new gimp named Barry. Or is it Larry?

131. At my age, it's getting harder and harder to keep track of his gimps.

132. And then it occurred to me

133. this was the perfect opportunity to take an enemy

134. and turn him into a friend.

135. - I'll do it. - I knew you would.

136. You're very predictable.

137. - No, I'm not. - No, I'm not.

138. - Stop doing that. - Stop doing that.

139. - Peanut butter, red dirt! - Peanut butter, red dirt!

140. Newbie, let's go. Mr. Donnelly's test results are in.

141. It's never easy to tell a family that medicine isn't working.

142. I... I wish I had better news for you.

143. Unfortunately, we're not seeing the improvement

144. we'd hoped for with this medication.

145. What are our options?

146. I'm afraid there are no other options.

147. There's always prayer.

148. Oh, no.

149. You know, with God by your side, anything is possible.

150. Could I speak with you

151. in the stop-filling my patient's head with false hope ward?

152. Paige, we have protocol here.

153. First, we shake our magic 8-ball.

154. Thenwe explore all witchcraft related options.

155. Oh, right, 'cause people who believe in God are crazy

156. and you'rethe sane one.

157. Hey, you guys like improv?

158. 'Cause I'm kind of an expert.

159. There's a game we play in class

160. where you make up what people are saying.

161. Like, watch. "Do you want some pie?"

162. "Not me. I hate pie."

163. "What are you talking about? Who hates pie?

164. Everyone loves pie." "I've always hated pie!

165. You never understood me!" "You're a pie racist!"

166. "Well, you're a cobbler whore!"

167. For God's sake, get off pie!

168. - Jerk! - Republican.

169. Pie...

170. Gotta find an improv class

171. that doesn't meet in the back of a pie shop.

172. Oh, dammit! I gotta go have ovulation sex again.

173. Are you actually complaining about getting to have sex?

174. Because that is so insensitive, Turk.

175. - Take it e— - Let me feel my feelings, Turk!

176. We worked on this!

177. - I really gotta stop doing that! - You can talk to meif you want.

178. Elliot, I can't talk to you about sex.

179. I don't understand any of that crazy gibberish you use.

180. Penis is... "schwing" something.

181. "Schwing-schwam," "peepers" or "peep."

182. Right. And vagina is?

183. Disgusting, but also "bajingo" or "hoo-hoo."

184. Here's the deal.

185. I'm trying' to get in the mood. Right?

186. And Carla's going' on and on about her cervical mucus.

187. Buh! Buh! Mm-mmm. From now on,

188. cervical mucus will be referred to as "icky-sticky."

189. - Icky-sticky. - Continue.

190. - Morning, sunshine. - Never say that again.

191. Noted. That was quite a fight you had with your sister yesterday.

192. Won't it be a little awkward

193. when you show up at St. Mary's Cathedral

194. on the corner of maple and pine

195. right across from temple Oheb Shalom at 4 pm today?

196. That's not where the baptism is, but nice try.

197. Mark my words: when that little bastard's dipped in water,

198. I will be there.

199. Anyway, I just invited Paige to come by.

200. Mr. Donnelly's labs came back,

201. and it looks like the steroid is finally working.

202. If you happen to be keeping score at home,

203. that would be medicine-1, God-0.

204. Ahh, you don't have to rub it in her face.

205. Yeah, and I don't have to stick Kelso's stethoscope

206. down my pants every morning, but I still do.

207. Now, isn't there some other relationship

208. you could be out there trying to fix?

209. Actually, there was.

210. Morning, sunshine.

211. I don't like that.

212. Nobody seems to.

213. Well, come on. Grab some boxes. Let's get to moving, huh?

214. I hope I can find a way to connect with him...

215. Thanks for saving that. That's one of my favorite pieces.

216. You're welcome, friend.

217. Gotta say, you got a lot of Asian art around here.

218. When I was a kid, I always thought I'd travel the world.

219. You know? So after college, I went to China.

220. Did all the normal touristy things. I saw the great wall,

221. ate the food, had a baby with a local.

222. You know, just the regular stuff.

223. Anyway, I guess I decorate my place this way

224. 'cause it reminds me of a more optimistic time.

225. That probably sounds crazy.

226. Doesn't sound crazy at all.

227. Thanks, man.

228. And like that, I was in.

229. Damn!

230. I paged you an hour ago.

231. I was in surgery.

232. Is that doughnut glaze on your cheek?

233. Guess we're not having sex, huh?

234. Oh, no, we're having sex. Get in there.

235. - Wait. Baby, I'm too full. - Now, Turk!

236. Man!

237. Long story short: After confirming it with my bunkmates,

238. that counselor and his "friendship lotion"

239. were transferred out of our cabin,

240. and we never spoke about it again.

241. Well, what doesn't kill ya.

242. We're as thick as 2 thieves in a pod.

243. Ok. Time to move some of the heavier stuff,

244. so you might want to put on these gloves.

245. Oh.

246. And the attic upstairs has a lot of fiberglass in it so a little hat.

247. - Thanks, pal. - Sure, bud.

248. I've figured out why I'm so great at managing relationships.

249. I don't rub things in people's faces.

250. I thought you might like to know

251. that your husband's chest X-ray looks better.

252. - He is finally starting to improve. - Thank you so much.

253. I was really just doing my job.

254. Oh. I'm talking to Paige.

255. She was up all night praying with us.

256. You big jerk!

257. I never go to bed very, very mad.

258. Angry sex is awesome.

259. And I've always known

260. if I make even the slightest gesture of friendship

261. to a difficult co-worker...

262. Who are you?

263. I'll end up robbing an Asian couple's house.

264. I couldn't help wondering

265. what the sentence was for stealing a Buddha.

266. After all, people get pretty sensitive about religion.

267. Could I comment on the baptism dress?

268. I think you wait to see the matching slippers and tiny handbag.

269. You're actually encouraging him to cross-dress

270. on the same day that you're introducing him to a religion

271. that will condemn him to hell for it.

272. That's a trauma two-for.

273. Can you two please just try to get along?

274. Now I'm getting some blush for Jack

275. because this lace collar is washing out his face.

276. Terrible.

277. Paige, will you acknowledge that medicine made Mr. Donnelly better?

278. - Fine. It was medicine. - Aha.

279. - Thank God for creating medicine. - That's it!

280. That is it. Now you may be a total goner,

281. but God's not getting his hands on this one.

282. No way, no how.

283. Come on, Jackie boy, we got places to go.

284. Turk, I'm ready!

285. All right, so angry sex is awesome,

286. but that's no reason to go down a bad road.

287. Baby, you know what I miss?

288. When your body was kicking.

289. I ain't touching no damn diapers.

290. Aah!

291. Baby, all I'm saying is that in some European countries

292. it's totally acceptable for a man to have a mistress.

293. - What are you— - Mm!

294. I'm gonna make you pay for every word you said!

295. Worth it.

296. Now that I'm on the lam, I thought about 2 things.

297. One, what my prison name would be...

298. Gizmo.

299. And two, whether some relationships were beyond repair.

300. Then fate threw me another curve.

301. - Hey, who's your friend? - My boy in a dress. Who's yours?

302. Well, seeing as he gave me the strength

303. to outrun the sheriff's canine unit,

304. - I'd say he's my new God. - Oh.

305. You can rub mine's belly if I can rub yours.

306. Don't you touch my son.

307. Angry sex is like a drug. I can't stop.

308. I'll be right out. I'm just fixing my hair.

309. Bricks in the closet, baby.

310. Help me.

311. Turk, just go back to the way things were.

312. Carla loved it. Don't you get it?

313. Trying to make a baby with you

314. is the sexiest thing in the world to her.

315. Elliot, I'm a man.

316. I've been programmed to think that a baby

317. is the worst possible consequence of sex.

318. Well, it's not.

319. - Honey for my honey. - Oh!

320. Why are you stopping?

321. Losing a baseball scholarship because a bear ate your arm

322. is a much worse consequence of sex.

323. You have to help me end this angry sex cycle.

324. I'm ready.

325. Oh, Carla, Turk's making you mad on purpose

326. because the angry sex is so good.

327. The cycle is broken.

328. There will be no whining or crying

329. - while we sit here, understood? - He seems fine.

330. I wasn't talking to him.

331. - I don't whine or cry. - Really?

332. Then how do you explain these photos of you whining and crying

333. as you run away from the Kwan's apartment?

334. - These are coasters. - My camera's broken.

335. You turned me into a felon.

336. You know what there, newbie? You can go to the baptism.

337. And take Jack.

338. Jordan will kill me if he's not there. Plus, I know you.

339. You're exactly one watered-down apple teeny away

340. from trying to fix my sister and me.

341. No, thank you. If there's one thing I learned from this guy,

342. it's I need to stop trying to fix people's relationships.

343. You're welcome.

344. Still, I've never known you to judge a person based on their beliefs.

345. In fact, you're pretty tolerant of everyone.

346. - Except Hugh Jackman. - Well...

347. I just don't understand

348. why your sister being religious bothers you so much.

349. - It doesn't. - Then why are you so angry?

350. So, do you like pie?

351. "Look at me. Do I look like a guy who doesn't like pie?

352. I love pie. Incidentally, where do you buy your loin cloths?"

353. I don't think I can do this without Perry. He's my everything.

354. You're right. It would be weird if you were like that.

355. - Right? - Yeah.

356. I just don't understand why we can't have fun.

357. I am just so glad you had to hurt my feelings to have fun.

358. I can't believe you! Calm down!

359. Calm down? I'm gonna kill you.

360. You hear that? She's gonna kill me.

361. Get her.

362. Ok, look, you two stop fighting or I will turn this church around.

363. Sometimes I think it takes a child to make you see the light.

364. Isn't he beautiful?

365. Yeah. He is.

366. Oh! Wow. Has anyone ever told you you're an extremely average athlete?

367. That's cold, sis. That's ice cold.

368. You know, I been thinking about why I hate seeing you so much.

369. Please, Perry, don't hold back.

370. And it's not the God stuff.

371. I've worked hard to try to forget everything about our childhood...

372. but when I see you, I—

373. I can't think about anything else.

374. It's hard for me too.

375. But I don't see why you can't be there

376. for the major events in Jack's life.

377. I'd love to see him turn 3.

378. The major events, Paige?

379. His graduation, his wedding, his divorce and his funeral?

380. The big 4.

381. I beat you at horse, he has a church wedding.

382. Done.

383. That went in, didn't it?

384. Did you thank the G-man for that?

385. - That was all me, baby. - Yeah, that's good.

386. So maybe relationships can be fixed,

387. whether it's by coming around to your spouse's way of thinking...

388. I'm sorry. I didn't get how this baby-making stuff could be sexy,

389. but I do now.

390. Well, you know, Turk, I can get angry if you give me a little help.

391. If you had no hair, you'd look like Danny Devito.

392. Oh. Turk, a little help. Oh.

393. Or by reassuring the Kwan's

394. that their big guy didn't desert them.

395. In the end, you just have to be willing to take the first step.

396. By the way, if you want, Jack's birthday is in the spring...

397. - Sometime. - March 21.

398. - Bye, Perry. - Bye, Paige.

399. - You know, Paige is a silly name. - Perry's worse.