Scrubs 5x4

Directed by Rick Blue

Sam Lloyd as Ted Buckland • Aloma Wright as Laverne Roberts • Michael Merton as Mr. Keck • Duane R. Shepard Sr. as Mr. Morrison • Geoffrey Wade as Dr. Bailey

J.D. is asked to introduce Dr. Kelso at an awards dinner, so he wants to find out something good about him. Dr. Kelso and Dr. Cox each have a patient, whom they feel deserves the benefit of a new experimental treatment, but there is only one open slot. Elsewhere, Carla and Turk try to help Elliot get her old job at Sacred Heart back. And the Janitor taunts J.D. with the made up game of "Jiggly Ball."

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. I really missed living with Turk.

2. But living with Elliot wasn't that bad.

3. Hey, roomie.

4. I'm having the girls from my yoga class over for drinks tonight,

5. and FYI, Tina, the tiny brunette, just got dumped,

6. and she's looking for rebound sex.

7. Honestly, how could I be a better roommate?

8. She could be half-Turk and half-Elliot.

9. - J.D., what are you doing? - Nothing.

10. Because it looked like you were thinking about

11. fondling my breasts

12. and if that's the case, then stop thinking and start fondling.

13. Dude, what the hell are you doing?

14. I miss having you as my roommate. I don't know.

15. Check it out. Keith's telling Mr. Morrison about his brain tumor.

16. Seeing an intern

17. tell someone they're gonna die for the first time is strange...

18. because even though it's a horrible and sad experience...

19. if they get through it, there's a sense of...

20. accomplishment.

21. Nailed it. Hoo-yah!

22. Good job, man. What'd you say?

23. Well, I just told him that there's nothing more we can do right now.

24. - Ooh! - What?

25. "Nothing more we can do right now"

26. implies there may be something we can do tomorrow.

27. Well, I also said we'd make him as comfortable as possible.

28. Sounds like someone's getting new pillows and a comforter.

29. That man knows he's doomed!

30. Yeah. I'm gonna need you to go back in there

31. and use some form of the word "die"--

32. Dead. Dying. Deadsies. Deadwood. Your choice.

33. - What was the middle one? - Deadsies.

34. - Deadwood? - Did you know cowboys used to curse?

35. I didn't know that.

36. Gather 'round, people. Dr. Kelso has an announcement to make.

37. That'll be all, Ted. You can go back to doing whatever you were doing.

38. It was my day off.

39. Due to lack of funds, I'm shutting down our baby-mobile,

40. which means there will no longer be free prenatal care

41. for underprivileged women.

42. Bottom line— if you're thinking about knocking up a homeless gal,

43. - I'd do it this weekend. - Ha ha ha ha!

44. - Thank you, Colonel doctor. - Excuse me?

45. I'm sorry. I don't know your name,

46. and you look like that Kentucky Fried Chicken guy.

47. Moving on... this Friday I am receiving an award from the A.M.A.

48. jerk-off of the year. No...

49. Bastard of the year. Don't you tell me!

50. "Guy I despise so much, I'd pay someone to kill ya and stuff ya

51. and leave ya by my bed so that when I wake up in the morning,

52. I could roll over and punch ya in the face"...

53. Of the year.

54. And we're back.

55. Anyway, I need one of you attendings

56. to introduce me at the dinner, so figure it out.

57. How do we handle this?

58. Same way we have for years.

59. First one who falls introduces Kelso.

60. Unfortunately for you guys, I have the balance of—

61. Careful. You're about to let Dr. Cox know

62. you were a gymnast in high school.

63. Fine. Let's do this.

64. Wheels up.

65. Ok. Come on, Dorian. Find your center.

66. 'Round the Rosie...

67. Hey— I got it!

68. I don't got it!

69. Whoa—whoa—

70. Reel it in. Take it clockwise. Fight your feeeeaaar!

71. Come on. Gimme the chair.

72. Ya gotta want it, Johnny D.!

73. Ya gotta want it! Ooh!

74. Oh!

75. Tough break there, newbie.

76. Group, position right. Ho!

77. So I have to introduce Kelso. Big whoop.

78. I don't think you understand the predicament that you're in here.

79. Kelso expects a long, glowing testimonial,

80. the kind that make men cheer and women...

81. What is it that women do, newbie?

82. - How the hell would I know? - They swoon.

83. If you get up there and start kissing Kelso's ass,

84. all your fellow attendings will forever think of you

85. as a brown-nosing toady.

86. On the other hand, if you don't pucker up,

87. Kelso will make your life a living hell.

88. You are officially trapped.

89. I'll just say something nice about him that's actually true.

90. You go do that, and I'll go find God, quit drinking,

91. get in touch with myself emotionally,

92. and we'll meet right back here at half past impossible.

93. M-Kay?

94. Everyone has a human side, Coxie... Even Kelso.

95. The hell he does.

96. I remember a flu epidemic. We lost half a dozen children in one day.

97. Hmm!

98. The second Kelso's foot hits the bottom of those stairs...

99. He doesn't have a care in the world.

100. You know, Laverne, I'm a doctor,

101. so I'm not really gonna take my psychological evaluations

102. from someone who dispenses them in between watching Maury

103. and eating a corn muffin.

104. Ok, that was too mean. Apologize.

105. Laverne, I...

106. Aw, the hell with it. She's not gonna forgive ya.

107. Go for broke!

108. I was watching CNN earlier.

109. Apparently, the terror alert in your armpits has been elevated to orange.

110. Oh, no, he didn't. Yes, Laverne, he did.

111. Laverne, I'm a doctor.

112. You're a bit of a know-it-all, aren't you?

113. Well, I know a lot.

114. Yeah? Who was deep throat?

115. Mark Felt, the FBI guy. That's been all over the news for months.

116. Oh, sorry, rich boy. My TV doesn't get the news.

117. Just the Bible channel and some kind of Chinese boxing.

118. I bet you don't know how to play jiggly ball.

119. That's because there's no such thing.

120. Ha ha! I knew you didn't know.

121. I know if I just follow Dr. Kelso around for a while,

122. he'll eventually do something decent.

123. I'm a master of stealth. I can sneak up on anybody—

124. Why are you following me?

125. Sir, are you being a little paranoid?

126. I was in 'nam, you know. They pulled off my fingernails.

127. When did you get an earring?

128. Enid, I'm not cheating on you.

129. This earring's mine.

130. See?

131. It's a hip-hop world, son. Keep up or get out of the way.

132. I gotta get an earring.

133. Turk, have you heard of jiggly ball?

134. Yeah. It's a game the orderlies made up.

135. I've heard of it, too.

136. It's so awesome that we've both heard of it.

137. Yes, that— that's awesome.

138. Mr. Keck, what do you say we get you into surgery

139. and take care of that hernia?

140. I don't know if surgery is necessary.

141. Last night, I was in pain, so I went to a free clinic.

142. The doctor there said surgery wasn't my only option.

143. Well, you'll have to get him on the phone

144. and tell him I won't be second-opinioned by a clinic doctor

145. who couldn't carry my jock strap!

146. - Gimme some! - Here it is.

147. Ho!

148. Yeah, I think I know this guy. Is he a cocky black doctor

149. with a white doctor following him around

150. and looking at him like he's in love?

151. You would make a pretty girl.

152. Yeah.

153. Repeat after me.

154. You can't decide for me. That's not your duty.

155. Are they both trying not to laugh at the word "doody"?

156. Yeah.

157. Hey, Heckel and Jekyll, you know what? No surgery.

158. Who the hell is this?

159. Where are my shoelaces?

160. I said to tell him that he had a laxity in the peritoneal wall

161. and that surgery was unnecessarily invasive. Was that so hard?

162. Mr. Morrison, I understand that one of our interns

163. spent an hour in here telling you over and over

164. that you are going to die.

165. I would make him apologize personally,

166. but I'm having him spend the rest of the day

167. checking that countertop's heartbeat.

168. - Sorry, Mr. Morrison. - Keith!

169. I think Mr. Countertop would really appreciate your undivided attention.

170. Now, the hospital is running an experimental drug trial

171. on a medication that they're hoping will reduce the size of tumors.

172. And, well...

173. I'm gonna try my hardest to get you in there.

174. I really appreciate this.

175. Ah, checkin' Mr. Countertop's heart rate.

176. Memories. Do you know that once

177. Dr. Cox made me give every air conditioning unit in this hospital

178. a pap smear?

179. The wacky thing was room 403 did have some yeast issues.

180. Dr. Cox, this intro is killing me. Have you seen Kelso?

181. Nope. But our new patient Mr. Franks in here is crazy rich,

182. so I'd imagine big Bob will be here momentarily

183. to make love to his money clip.

184. Hi. Bob Kelso.

185. Listen up, bozos.

186. That gentleman over there is basically a cash piñata

187. waiting to be whacked open,

188. so how about someone diagnoses him so I can get my candy?

189. I'd be glad to do it, Bob.

190. If you'll do me a favor

191. and put my patient Mr. Morrison in that experimental drug trial.

192. - Sure. What the hell. - Deal.

193. Finally I had something I could say in my speech.

194. Dr. Kelso was an angel.

195. Look, Lorraine, the sooner you let me have a look at that rash,

196. the sooner we can get you back home.

197. I mean, back on the street, which is your home.

198. Hey, home street home, huh?

199. I'm sorry, Lorraine, that was incredibly insensitive.

200. Freak!

201. So this is where germs are born.

202. I cannot believe that you told these guys.

203. Elliot, she didn't.

204. My patient told me that his clinic doctor

205. was this blonde-haired woman who talks so fast

206. in such a high-pitched voice when she was upset,

207. her words just eventually became gibberish.

208. I really do not talk like that.

209. I'm getting pretty tired of you guys

210. constantly saying...

211. Elliot, sweetie, nobody but me can understand you.

212. That's just Turk. You know that's how he is.

213. You knew she worked here? I can't believe you kept a secret.

214. Remember before your wedding when you sold me out to Turk?

215. J.D., you showed up drunk at my shower, screaming through tears

216. that I'd never be as emotionally connected to him as you are.

217. Turk knew I was joking.

218. Because we're so emotionally connected.

219. Elliot, nobody respects clinic doctors.

220. Really, Turk? I think your hernia patient does.

221. - I'm not upset about that. - It's obvious you are.

222. It's more obvious to me, baby. I mean, Turk.

223. I know this place isn't the greatest,

224. but it's not like I lie awake

225. thinking about being yelled at by Dr. Cox

226. or playing jiggly ball with the orderlies.

227. How do I not know about this game?

228. At this clinic, I get to practice medicine

229. for people who really need me.

230. I mean, honestly, I feel like I belong here.

231. Dr. Cole just got stabbed in the parking lot,

232. and we're out of gauze.

233. Is it cool if I take lunch?

234. This place is crushing my soul.

235. Can you believe Elliot's working in a free clinic?

236. - Who? - Dr. Reid?

237. I'm sorry, that's just not ringing a bell.

238. She and J.D. Used to sleep together.

239. - J.D.? - That's not even funny.

240. I honestly, on my mother's grave,

241. thought your real name was Carol.

242. Whoa, whoa, you want to hear a weird coincidence?

243. The pathology just came back on Dr. Kelso's rich patient.

244. He has the same brain tumor as your guy Mr. Morrison.

245. I don't know why we were running.

246. Because I think we booth knew that we couldn't change anything.

247. Because given a choice between a rich guy and a poor guy,

248. it was pretty obvious who Bob Kelso would put in the drug trial...

249. and who he'd leave behind.

250. Another banner day at Sacred Heart.

251. A best friend stuck in a crappy job...

252. a nice guy slowly dying without a fighting chance...

253. it's a wonder how anyone can walk out of this place

254. with a smile on their face.

255. We have to help Elliot get her job back.

256. There's no money to hire another attending.

257. Maybe, though. Dr. Bailey was fired last night.

258. Why?

259. For this procedure, I'm going to have to numb you.

260. Numb numb numb numb numb.

261. In Dr. Bailey's defense...

262. - No, no, no. - There have been times...

263. No.

264. So, anyways, we figure if I offer to do the nursing schedules

265. and these guys volunteer to do extra shifts at the clinic,

266. Dr. Kelso might give you your job back.

267. No, thanks.

268. Why?

269. Carla, I can't do your paperwork. I am swamped.

270. I got you your job back.

271. Turk, I'm not giving you my last tater tot!

272. I got you your job back.

273. J.D., I don't care if they're able

274. to successfully attach one person's limbs

275. onto another person's body.

276. - I am not giving you my hands. - Job back.

277. It's a beautiful film. Beautiful.

278. Corn?

279. Let me help you. I got you.

280. You're tickling your hands.

281. Ok, stop, you're tickling your hands.

282. Ok, keep going. I enjoy it, actually.

283. Ah, 21/2 years away from chest hands.

284. I have to handle this on my own, ok?

285. - See? These are chest hands. - That's what I'm talking about.

286. Of course, yours would be brown.

287. The next day started poorly.

288. I only had 8 hours until Kelso's awards dinner,

289. and someone else was boxin' me out.

290. Hey, Bob, I need to talk to you about my drug trial patient.

291. Aw, we lost him, bubby.

292. Bob?

293. I can see you.

294. For God's sake, you're 3-dimensional.

295. It's true, Mr. Keck.

296. You could probably get by without the surgery, but why would you?

297. I'm the smartest, most-skilled surgeon in this place.

298. Are you stuck in that candy machine?

299. I paid for my rolos, I'm gettin' my rolos.

300. Mm-hmm.

301. Nice.

302. Why aren't you mocking him?

303. Dropped a quarter in here.

304. Guys, listen, we really need to help Elliot.

305. Baby, she said she doesn't want to be helped.

306. If J.D. were drowning

307. and he told you he didn't want you to save him, wouldn't you do it?

308. That depends. What if there are hot chicks at the pool?

309. Maybe he wants one of them to jump in and save him.

310. Let's say there's no women.

311. There's always women at the pool, baby.

312. Fine, he's in a pond.

313. Oh, I would never swim in a pond. They're infamous for serpents.

314. You could swim at the Y on Tuesdays. Men only.

315. Have you been to the Y on man night? Not me.

316. Ok, fine! Turk's the one who's drowning!

317. Oh! So now a brother can't swim!

318. - Why do you have to go there? - Oh, my God.

319. I would rather play jiggly ball

320. than try to explain this to you two idiots.

321. She's the idiot.

322. We're doctors.

323. Bob, I'm physically touching your arm now.

324. Aw, come on. I know you're here.

325. Oh, hi, Perry. What can I do for you?

326. Anyway, I just wanted to introduce you to our Chief of Medicine.

327. Sir, I can't tell you how well everyone's treating me.

328. That's what we're here for.

329. You forgot to tell him you were bumping him from the drug trial.

330. - I've got work to do, Perry. - You're not goin' anywhere.

331. Are you hearing that?

332. What kind of glass is this?

333. Ow.

334. There was one spot open in the study.

335. I gave it to the rich guy

336. because with the money he's now donating,

337. I can reopen the prenatal unit.

338. What really bothers me is that you can look in there at John Morrison,

339. a guy that you essentially gave a death sentence to...

340. and just not care.

341. It's not my job to care, Perry.

342. Can I talk to you for a second?

343. No. I'm busy cleaning.

344. That one always kills.

345. Do you remember earlier when I told you I'd never heard of jiggly ball?

346. I was joking. I play it all the time.

347. I like this. It's an idiot handle.

348. Get off.

349. As it happens, we're headin' out right now

350. to play some jiggly ball. Are you in?

351. Just say no!

352. Jiggle me in.

353. All right. You're gonna go first.

354. Please enter the jiggly circle.

355. Everybody else, on my signal, prepare to throw.

356. - Throw? - Now.

357. Ha ha ha!

358. Now, anyone who caught a jiggle rebound

359. may step up to the death line.

360. I want you to think of this as a corn muffin.

361. There is no such thing as jiggly ball, is there?

362. No.

363. Guys, why?

364. The janitor told us that if we pretended to know about jiggly ball,

365. we'd get to throw tennis balls at you.

366. - And I couldn't pass it up, dude. - Got my shift covered.

367. I could see where it would be funny from the outside of the circle.

368. - Aah! - Aah!

369. Ha ha ha ha!

370. Hey, Kelso's leaving for his award thing,

371. so if you want to talk to him about Dr. Reid, do it now.

372. I told you guys to leave it alone.

373. Would you stop being so proud?

374. I'm proud?

375. Carla, after the wedding, you wouldn't even take Turk's name.

376. I use it for official things.

377. Letting him call you Mrs. Turk in the bedroom isn't official.

378. But it is officially hot.

379. And, Turk, you freaked out

380. when the hernia patient listened to me over you,

381. and, J.D., you just let the entire hospital

382. pummel you with tennis balls because you were too proud to admit

383. you didn't know what jiggly ball was.

384. I think there may be something wrong with my spine...

385. because I'm not doing that.

386. Elliot, look, we just care about you.

387. Yeah, well, don't worry about it. I'll get back on top on my own.

388. Chop chop, Dorian.

389. Even though I had no clue what I was gonna say,

390. Elliot's attitude inspired me

391. to go introduce the hell out of Bob Kelso.

392. Ladies and gentlemen, Dr. Bob Kelso is...

393. Thank you, Dr. Dorian.

394. Thank you so much for this award. Delighted to see you all.

395. Did I say he wanted a long introduction?

396. Because Kelso just...

397. He just likes when people say his name.

398. Hope you didn't obsess too much about that, newbie.

399. Over the next few weeks,

400. I couldn't help thinking about what I had planned

401. to say in my speech...

402. about how pride defines who we are.

403. This guy has an STD,

404. and he definitely doesn't want his wife to find out.

405. Crap.

406. As far as Bob Kelso goes...

407. I know sometimes even the good things he does

408. are for the wrong reasons.

409. I'd like everyone to welcome back Dr. Reid.

410. Still, I also know that I wouldn't want to have to make

411. any of the decisions that he makes.

412. But when all is said and done,

413. I like to think he does care a little.

414. Even if he's too proud to show it.