Scrubs 5x3

Directed by Michael Spiller

Sam Lloyd as Ted Buckland • Robert Maschio as Todd • Josh Randall as Jake • Meredith Bishop as Melissa • Jeff Griggs as Hypnotist

While planning his birthday, J.D. finds a list of things he wanted to accomplish, before he turned 30. He enters a triathlon to begin. Meanwhile, Elliot discovers a side of her boyfriend Jake, that freaks her out. And Turk is working hard to impress his bosses and takes on a patient, who wants to be hypnotized during surgery in effort to be promoted.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Since I was currently homeless,

2. Turk and Carla were letting me crash here as long as I needed.

3. J.D., you have to get out. This place is tiny,

4. and I'm sick of your man panties in the bathroom.

5. - They're called boxers, Carla. - They're satin, J.D.

6. With a breathable cotton crotch panel.

7. King me!

8. I need to find someone to split the rent at my place.

9. I thought you were getting good money at your new fellowship.

10. So, first, my fellowship gets canceled

11. because some jackass cures the disease,

12. and now the only job I can get

13. is working at this crappy free clinic for 8 bucks an hour.

14. No one's life could be worse than mine.

15. Uh— the fellowship's great.

16. Oh, God, Carla,

17. don't tell them I'm working at a free clinic.

18. I sense she doesn't want me to tell them.

19. Women have an unspoken connection men can't even fathom.

20. Dude, I know you can't look because Carla's here,

21. but you're missing a crazy Victoria's secret commercial.

22. I'm watching Gisele and Masboom right now!

23. You two could solve both of your problems

24. if you just moved in together.

25. - Whoa, whoa, whoa! - Whoa! Hold your horses.

26. - We have a very complicated past. - I hurt her and I'm not proud.

27. I'm a little proud.

28. We managed to restore our friendship

29. by staying away from dangerous topics.

30. Relationships and things of that nature.

31. - J.D. and I keep it superficial. - Love the superficial.

32. - Dynamite teeth today. - Thanks, buddy.

33. - Sparkly. - Yeah.

34. Fine, you can't live with Elliot, but you're not living with us,

35. so get your crap out by Friday.

36. Friday? Friday's my birthday!

37. I've already e-vited everyone to a party at our place.

38. - Whose place? - Your place.

39. I can't just un-e-vite everyone.

40. I've already got two e-yesses and 24 e-maybes.

41. That's a lot of e-sponses.

42. Bambi, I'm going to put my e-foot up your ass.

43. It's a Mexican-themed fiesta

44. on the first anniversary of my 29th birthday.

45. That means I'm turning 30.

46. Donde, 56 Walnut Drive.

47. Cuando, thank you for asking.

48. Ocho-thirty until upside-down question Mark.

49. Sombreros at the door.

50. I'll be there. - Gracias, amigo.

51. I borrowed one of your dictionaries.

52. Since there were 12 surgical residences at Sacred Heart

53. fighting for four attending spots,

54. Turk was ass-kissing the senior staff.

55. Oh, damn. I left my briefcase upstairs.

56. Excuse me a second.

57. Turk thought he was the only one who heard that.

58. Dr. Wen, I've got your brief—

59. He was not.

60. I had no idea there were that many Asian surgeons in this hospital.

61. I got your back, T-dawg.

62. Then let it begin.

63. Quit fooling around with those guys. Get down here!

64. Here comes the big dawg!

65. Dude, thanks for having my back.

66. - Betrayal five. - What?

67. - Whoo! - Whoo!

68. - Hey, buddy. - Hey.

69. Betrayal five.

70. - Ohh! - Ohh!

71. Dr. Wen!

72. Oh, my briefcase.

73. You know, I totally saw that coming.

74. Look at you— 30 years old.

75. - All growed up. - Oh, really, Turk?

76. Because the sacred heart sign I vandalized last night

77. begs to differ.

78. Hey, remember in college we made lists of stuff

79. - we'd do before we turned 30? - Yeah.

80. Check it!

81. "Things to do by 30, get married, buy a house,

82. learn difference between senator and congressman."

83. You haven't done any of these yet.

84. Who cares? I've got all the time in the world.

85. I'm only turning 30.

86. 30? No one's 30.

87. Where did these unsupervised children come from?

88. You wanted to talk to me about your appendectomy, Mrs.--

89. Appendectomy.

90. Now that ain't right.

91. 15 percent of all surgical complications

92. are anesthesia-related.

93. So I'd like hypnosis instead of traditional anesthesia.

94. I'd like to sleep with Beyonce instead of my wife tonight,

95. but that ain't happening either. You know what I'm saying?

96. I'll think about it.

97. My appendectomy patient wants hypnosis instead of anesthesia.

98. I'd like to throw it in Gwen Stefani tonight instead of Jordan,

99. but that ain't gonna happen either.

100. - Dr. Cox. - Dr. Cox! No... awful!

101. Hypnosis is a very powerful tool.

102. It's helped people with depression and weight loss.

103. Helped me quit smoking.

104. Hypnosis is for birthday parties and bad Vegas lounges.

105. Tell your patient to let you do what you do best.

106. Knock her out, then start digging around inside her

107. like a blind man looking for a nickel.

108. - You should do it. - Knock her out and dig.

109. - Do it. - Dig.

110. - Dig. - Do it.

111. Ok. I'm going with Dr. Cox on this one.

112. That's a rookie move, and you hate to see it.

113. Always side with the wife.

114. Even if she's got a full-blown case of the crazies.

115. Turk, we're going to have kids soon.

116. We're supposed to be a team.

117. That means you occasionally have to listen to me

118. and believe in my opinion.

119. What if our daughter wants to have her ears pierced?

120. Irrelevant. We're not having a daughter.

121. What if our son wants to take dance class

122. even though his friends are playing football?

123. He can dance if he wants to.

124. Leave his friends behind.

125. S-s-a-a-f-f-e-e.

126. Then I said, what if our son wants to take dance classes

127. instead of play football with his friends,

128. and Turk ran off singing safety dance.

129. Didn't you learn your lesson that time

130. you told him the commissar was in town?

131. - Yeah... - Ooh, someone's leaving!

132. We saw it first!

133. Jordan, here's the plan.

134. I'm going to cram an evening's worth of drinking into the next 5 minutes.

135. You make sure not to engage them.

136. Be aware of the blond talky one.

137. I've worked with her before. She has no off button.

138. If money is so tight, why not have Jake move in with you?

139. Who's Jake?

140. Jordan... no!

141. He's this guy I've been going out with for awhile,

142. but we're not ready to move in. He's a little closed-off, you know?

143. Are you aware of who I live with?

144. Jordan Godzilla Sullivan! Stop that and stop it now!

145. Try talking to humans for once. You might enjoy it.

146. Elliot, maybe you should be the one to open Jake up.

147. Like Turk can be a little immature.

148. I always have to talk about my feelings over dinner

149. or shut off his iPod during sex.

150. I bet you could do the same thing with Jake.

151. Maybe you could pressure him, get dumped, throw on 50 pounds,

152. collect knick-knacks and meet your future now,

153. before the loneliness burns too much.

154. Oh, gosh. I did enjoy that.

155. You haven't done anything on this list.

156. How come you never slept naked on a hammock?

157. I'm afraid of dragonflies.

158. I'm not making a big deal out of this.

159. Neither of us has made any headway with our lists.

160. Don't lump me in with you.

161. I'm a surgeon, I'm married, I've had sex while playing frogger,

162. and I'm going to be a dad. I'm moving through my list.

163. I've done nothing. I did learn another language,

164. but it's the one where you put a "b" sound

165. in the middle of every word, and I was never fluent.

166. That secret language was so lame.

167. No-but with the labididies!

168. Dr. Kelso, do you have any idea

169. who'll get those three attending spots next year?

170. There are four spots for next year.

171. If you're not counting the one going to me.

172. Stick with four, Turkleton.

173. There are numerous skilled surgeons here at Sacred Fart.

174. Did you see the sign?

175. There will be no vandalism here, people.

176. It was classic.

177. Anyway, the key is doing something to get noticed.

178. Tomorrow I'm doing an appendectomy

179. using hypnosis instead of anesthesia.

180. It's about time.

181. Hells-bells. When I say the name Turkleton, people laugh.

182. Maybe because that's not my name.

183. I checked, Turkleton. I checked.

184. Elliot, I don't think I understand what you want.

185. I just want you to open up—

186. emotionally, spiritually.

187. I'm not exactly religious.

188. I do think that God watches after my family

189. and my favorite sports teams.

190. And once, in 10th grade, he made Jennifer Martin sleep with me.

191. Ok, how about opening up sexually?

192. - What's your wildest fantasy? - It's not happening.

193. Come on! Sometimes in bed,

194. I feel like I'm the only one screaming.

195. You're quiet as a mouse.

196. The screaming is in your head.

197. Yeah, but in there it's crazy.

198. Why don't you tell me your wildest fantasy?

199. Ok, fine.

200. You're a Mexican apple thief. I run the cider house.

201. I catch you hiding. You chase me into the tasting room.

202. If there's a crow in there, fine, if not, I can live with it.

203. Anyway, we're all alone, you don't speak English,

204. but you teach me more about hard cider

205. than I ever learned from my fermenting exams.

206. Our passion is so loud

207. that they can hear all the way in the distillery.

208. Oh... God, I can be such an apple slut.

209. Ok...

210. When did we lose Mr. Heath?

211. We didn't. His vitals are fine.

212. Doug, I told you to stop pre-tagging patients.

213. Slow day in the morgue. Nothing's written in stone.

214. You wrote a time of death.

215. - I wrote one-ish. - Get out of here!

216. Why are you so pissy?

217. Carla, at 6:41 tomorrow evening I turn 30.

218. I have to find one thing on this list I can do by then.

219. Swing by our parts department and pick up a pair of testes.

220. You've used that joke a trillion times.

221. I'm ok with it.

222. Invent a cereal. Complete a triathlon.

223. There's a triathlon tomorrow.

224. Thing 1 and thing 2 have been training for it.

225. We're working on a drafting technique.

226. If your goal is to repel all women on the planet, it's working.

227. Ignoring him... And switch.

228. That's it! I'll do the triathlon.

229. You know nothing about triathlons.

230. I didn't know anything about cereal-inventing either.

231. If it weren't for a cease-and-desist letter,

232. we'd all be eating J.D.'s bananas and nuts.

233. You're not serious, are you?

234. Why's everybody wearing wetsuits?

235. The water's 49 degrees, dum-dum.

236. What's your best time, buster?

237. It doesn't really matter.

238. As long as I finish by 6:41 tonight.

239. The harder you push yourself to do something,

240. the harder it is to back out.

241. Whether you're caught in a lie with your wife—

242. I heard you were doing hypnosis surgery.

243. You actually listened to me.

244. Hell, yeah, I listened to you, baby.

245. That's the reason why I'm doing it—

246. because of you and how I listened.

247. - I love you. - I love you.

248. Or whether you're trying to get your boyfriendto open up.

249. Come on, Jake. Show me what you're really like.

250. No one is going to judge you.

251. Oh my God, Jake!

252. - Want to talk, Elliot? - Nope!

253. Sometimes, the only thing you can do is just dive in.

254. Oh, that's cold!

255. There's a little on the knees. All right, ease in it. Ease in it.

256. As I sidestroked through the salty waters of the Great Pacific—

257. pick an apple, put it in your pocket,

258. pick an apple, put it in your pocket—

259. I wondered if everyone was doing as well as I was.

260. Why are all these cameras here?

261. Turkleton, this is quite the event here at sacred fart.

262. I can't help it. It kills me.

263. We have visiting doctors, video crews,

264. even that Japanese news anchor

265. who slept with me when I convinced her I was an oil tycoon.

266. If she comes over, my name is T-Bone.

267. We're also getting interest from the seismologist at Cal-tech

268. who will be able to chart the magnitude of the scream

269. emanating from your hypnosis patient

270. as well as the numerous after-screams

271. that are sure to follow.

272. No interviews!

273. - Turk, where are you going? - Honey, I can't do this.

274. I don't believe in any of this hypnotism crap.

275. - I only needed to impress Kelso. - So you lied to me?

276. I'm about to ruin my career

277. by plunging a knife into a completely conscious person.

278. But you're right. Let's focus on the lying.

279. As I reached the biking stage

280. and finally realized what chafing was,

281. I got a surprise visit.

282. How's it going?

283. Well, my bike is rusty, I can't feel my genitals

284. since they first touched water and all I've eaten is half a jellyfish.

285. Why are you here?

286. Can we talk about Jake?

287. Dangerous topic. Talk to Carla.

288. When I talk to Carla about a guy,

289. she says marry him so the four of us can go to dinner.

290. I've dated this guy for a few weeks

291. but I found out he went on a gay cruise last month.

292. A cheap trick.

293. Marry him and the four of us will have dinner.

294. - He also said he might be gay. - Dinner!

295. Talking to you about Jake violates two tenets of our relationship.

296. 1: keep discussion superficial,

297. and 2: no talking while my boys are straddling chrome.

298. That one's new.

299. Try a higher gear.

300. It's like pedaling in hummus.

301. See ya, buddy!

302. Oh, thank God. The bike part is finally over.

303. Oh, no...

304. Whoa!

305. I can play with signs, too.

306. This is great.

307. I'm being assisted by a magician.

308. The only way you'll get through this is if you believe it'll work.

309. - Yeah. - Ow!

310. That was just a fingernail, honey.

311. How about if I cut out your appendix?

312. Let's forget for one second hypnosis is used to lower bleeding,

313. aid recovery, and help with pain.

314. You are married now.

315. So start believing what I tell you to believe!

316. And don't pinch me!

317. During the 8-mile run, dehydration set in.

318. - Hang in there, buddy. - See you at the luau.

319. They already finished and cooked the pig?

320. Hey, J.D.

321. Oh, you're real.

322. Although the dolphin costume is a little odd.

323. This Jake thing is really bothering me.

324. You know our rules.

325. I've been thinking about that.

326. Who wants to have a superficial friendship?

327. Remember how close we used to be?

328. Dealing with Dr. Cox, our screwed up families,

329. talking about everything. I miss that.

330. This is working.

331. Not for me.

332. I want to be able to tell you

333. that my boyfriend really freaked me out.

334. Why don't you talk to him?

335. I don't know. You tell me.

336. All right, fine, Elliot.

337. You want to know why? You're just like me.

338. You're scared because you feel like you haven't accomplished anything

339. with your life. Instead of running a triathlon,

340. you're pushing forward with a guy you don't belong with.

341. One of these days he'll open a bottle of white wine

342. when you really prefer red, except you never told him that.

343. Why? Because he's not right for you.

344. Are you happy now?

345. You're pretty smart for a guy running in bike shoes.

346. Must finish race.

347. You can do this. You can do this.

348. What are you saying to her?

349. You can do this. You can do this.

350. Small world. Scalpel.

351. Making first incision.

352. Well, here goes.

353. All right...

354. Clamp, please.

355. They say that in life

356. all good things must come to an end.

357. Sometimes it comes quietly...

358. I like red.

359. You do?

360. Jake, I think we need to talk.

361. And sometimes not so quietly.

362. You can do this.

363. Oh-b-no-b...

364. Aah!

365. And suddenly you realize

366. you've taken something as far as it can go.

367. What the hell was I thinking?

368. You did great, baby.

369. She's right, Turkleton.

370. Without anesthesia, you made it halfway through a surgery.

371. You could publish that.

372. Maybe they'll put it in almost magazine.

373. Barry, it wouldn't hurt you to make some noise around here.

374. How's this? Blow it out your ass, Bob.

375. See, my baby made some noise.

376. I made noise, all right.

377. J.D., what you said before, I knew you were right.

378. Anyway, I'm sorry I got mad.

379. Thanks. You were wrong about one thing, though.

380. We are moving forward.

381. Ellie, I'm 30 years old, I'm single, I'm homeless,

382. and I'm pretty sure I just soiled myself.

383. Why not just move into my place?

384. Great. Two losers under one roof.

385. By my watch, 8 minutes to finish this thing. Come on.

386. A wise man once said

387. the human spirit can overcome any obstacle.

388. I can't.

389. That man had obviously never run a triathlon.

390. Come on.

391. You're not really helping.

392. You sure this is the finish line?

393. I think I see him.

394. As for me, I could overcome any obstacle

395. as long as I had Elliot and her ridiculously strong thighs

396. beneath me.

397. Whoohoo! We made it!

398. And with two minutes to spare!

399. - Whoa! - Whoa!

400. I'm not carrying them to the car.

401. Promise to help me get through my 30th?

402. Mm-hmm.

403. Will you tell me what Jake's fantasy was?

404. Nope.

405. Did it involved chains? Whips?

406. - Mm-mmm. - Candle wax?

407. - Role-playing? Lasers? - Mm-mmm.

408. - Hamsters? - Negative.

409. Was he a Mexican apple thief?

410. If only.