Scrubs 5x23

Directed by Richard Alexander Wells

Robert Maschio as Todd • Aloma Wright as Laverne Roberts • Sarah Lancaster as Lisa • Kris Iyer as Dr. Rotinaj • Johnny Crear as Mr. Peters

J.D. challenges an urologist's assessment on a consult for a patient in need of a risky surgical procedure. He also starts to fall for her. Meanwhile, Elliot considers breaking up with Keith, but Carla is showing extreme hormonal changes due to her pregnancy and tries to interfere. The Janitor and Dr. Kelso are having a little tiff of their own about fear.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Look, one of the reasons interns have so much trouble

2. putting in chest tubes is because it is a violent procedure.

3. You must not be scared though, children.

4. You need to use force to get the tube between the ribs

5. and then pop it through the pleural.

6. What do you say there, Lis? You can do this.

7. Wh... Dr. Cox, I'm not so sure I'm comfortable with this.

8. Then you shouldn't have lost my teaching mannequin.

9. I don't know what happened to it!

10. Hello, carpool Lane. Ha, ha, ha, ha!

11. So what movie do you want to see?

12. - Inserting chest tube. Uhh! - Uhh! Lisa!

13. - God, he was joking. - Yes, I was, Lisa.

14. Now take the rest of the afternoon off,

15. and think about what you did here today.

16. Here's a warning, people.

17. Anybody else who hurts Keith

18. is going to get the exact same treatment as Lisa.

19. Good day.

20. Nothing like having to watch your boyfriend

21. get humiliated on a daily basis.

22. - Uhh! - Purple nurple!

23. Uhh! Aah! Aah!

24. Baby, look at this.

25. I'm starting to look like a big, fat, pregnant lady.

26. No, you're not, baby.

27. You look like you just let yourself go a little.

28. Ok, that came out wrong, but, baby, it's ok.

29. You're just overreacting because your pregnancy hormones

30. are totally taking over.

31. It's fine. These past few days, your moods have changed like...

32. - That. - That is not true!

33. That's cool.

34. I'm sorry. Let me kiss the Owie?

35. - Mm-hmm. - Kiss the Owie.

36. Mwah. Oh, baby.

37. Oh, I wanna do it right now.

38. You don't wanna do it right now, honey. This'll pass.

39. This is happening.

40. You're darn right this is happening.

41. My mom.

42. I can't believe she'll never meet her grandchild.

43. Do you wanna start off with kissing

44. or should we just get right into the good stuff?

45. - What is wrong with you? - Uhh!

46. When will you learn? Uhh...

47. Hmm. Turk talking to a new staff member.

48. Give her a special treat and say hello.

49. Hello!

50. J.D. I'm sure you know Kim Briggs.

51. Uh, no. You big knucklehead, I don't.

52. On behalf of everyone here at Sacred Heart,

53. I'd like to say konnichiwa.

54. I've been here 5 years, big guy.

55. I know that, Kim. It's a game we play.

56. What's your name? It's Turk! What's that guy's name? I don't know.

57. It's a patient. Looks like a Dave. Are you a Dave? Maybe he's a Dave.

58. We don't know. Hey.

59. - Torture him about this. - Will do.

60. Peace out.

61. How come I never noticed her before?

62. Oh. Because she wears a wedding ring.

63. Yeah, you don't notice women who wear wedding rings.

64. Kim was here on your first day.

65. - That's enough. - Sorry.

66. She was at Ben's funeral. Dude, she's been around.

67. So you're saying because she wears a wedding ring,

68. - she's invisible to me? - Yes.

69. Please, "T". I'm not that shallow.

70. Oh, really? Will all women who are married in the area

71. please remove your wedding rings?

72. Thank you.

73. Dr. Feinberg? Anastasia?

74. Gift shop girl.

75. - Hey, J.D. - I thought you died.

76. No, I just got married.

77. But I sent your family flowers.

78. I know. You bought them from me. It was kind of weird.

79. - Gift shop girl! - What?

80. - Stop that. - Sorry.

81. It's backwards! It's been bugging me for years.

82. How we doing, Mr. Peters?

83. I had checked up on Kim.

84. She got along with everybody. All the guys liked her.

85. Cover up, sailors. Chick on deck.

86. I need a few extra towels for the ladies' locker room.

87. Oh, I got a towel for you.

88. Whoo! Yeow!

89. Thanks, Todd.

90. All the women liked her.

91. Ahh.

92. I just love that every woman knows how to do that.

93. She even got along with the greasers.

94. Guys, I know everyone gives you a hard time,

95. but trust me, this look is coming back.

96. I never got a synchronized snap from the greasers.

97. Mr. Peters, I know that having a gal urologist

98. might seem a little uncomfortable,

99. but the penis is just another excretory organ,

100. so let's go ahead and take the stigma off it.

101. Now, this is the length of the average penis.

102. What?

103. - That seems about right. - Good for you.

104. I was just messing with Dr. Dorian over there.

105. You know what? I'm not talking to any of you guys.

106. Ha, ha, ha.

107. I know!

108. You ly... Oh, my God.

109. Keith, I know we have plans tonight, but I am way too tired.

110. Hmm. No problem. I'll call you tomorrow.

111. Hey, girls.

112. Listen, Perry got uppity with me

113. for, and I quote, "spending $20,000 we don't have on shoes."

114. So I figured I'd get back at him by treating everyone to drinks tonight.

115. I'll go.

116. Elliot, you just told Keith you were too tired. What are you doing?

117. I, uh, think Keith and I might be done.

118. What?

119. Hey, Dorian. Let me borrow that pencil for a second.

120. Just one second. Thank you.

121. Oh, no. I snapp-a da pencil.

122. What do you think? For my stand-up act.

123. Where do you perform?

124. I'm at the giggle pit every Monday at sunup.

125. - I'll have to come by sometime. - Do it, man.

126. Wait a second. I'm mad at you.

127. You stole my video camera with all the scenes from Dr. Acula,

128. the vampire movie I'm making.

129. - Why do you think I stole it? - I don't know.

130. Maybe I was surfing the hospital's website,

131. and I saw that someone posted the "Dr. Acula delivers a baby,

132. then eats it" scene.

133. Someone with the screen name Rotinaj.

134. Rotinaj is just Janitor spelled backwards, Rotinaj.

135. Morning, Dr. Rotinaj.

136. Good morning, Mr. Clean-up man.

137. Mr. Peters, I looked at your C.T. Scan,

138. and I'm recommending that we don't do surgery.

139. Great.

140. This is good-bye for us,

141. but I am leaving you in the very capable hands of Dr. John D. Dorian.

142. You take care. I gave you a new middle initial.

143. It reassures patients for some reason.

144. In my mind, the "D" stands for Dallas

145. because I just got finished telling Mr. Peters

146. that that's where I lost my virginity.

147. Don't know how we got down that path,

148. but something about that old man just makes me wanna open up.

149. Hmm.

150. Anyway, I hope you like your new initial.

151. I don't mind it a turtle's wink.

152. Wait. You only pepper your conversation

153. with cute animal imagery if you're smitten.

154. - Could you lend me a pen? - Quick as a porcupine's hiccup.

155. All right, there's only one problem with this.

156. Ok. See ya, J.D.

157. Kim, wait.

158. Unfortunately, there's no way I can make you mine

159. unless I make you mine...

160. For eternity.

161. Dr. Acula, don't. Stop.

162. Vampires like it windy.

163. Why are you breaking up with Keith?

164. Look, Keith is sweet,

165. but after watching him get walked on again this morning,

166. I just feel like I need a stronger man in my life.

167. I mean, I want what you guys have, someone who will stand up for me

168. when I really need it, you know.

169. Someone as confident as Turk or as brave as Dr. Cox or as...

170. I'm sorry, Laverne, I don't really know your husband.

171. What are some of Mr. Roberts' good qualities?

172. Well, he was a roadie for Jimi Hendrix,

173. and when it rains, he carries me to the car.

174. And you guys have been together, what, 60 years?

175. I'm 48, and I'm done here.

176. Hmm. My bad.

177. I don't want Keith to go. Elliot, I don't want Keith to go.

178. There. There.

179. What?

180. I'm pregnant, I'm crying, I'm laughing.

181. Enough already. It's boring.

182. Listen up, nametags.

183. I need to wire some cash to my son so he can make bail.

184. Apparently, that musical he was producing

185. was just a front for a crystal meth lab.

186. And here's the kicker, he fled to Toronto,

187. so now the freakin' mounties are involved.

188. Anywho, I need somebody to zip out to my house and grab $400.

189. I'll do it. I shouldn't be mopping in here anyway. This is a rug.

190. Don't let him in your house, sir.

191. He'll steal everything you've got, like you stole my video camera.

192. You know the difference between you and me, Dorian?

193. Your melon-sized prostate, sir?

194. I will never fear this man.

195. Do you think I'm afraid of you, chief?

196. No, sir, I do not.

197. Now look, I keep my extra cash in a pickle jar

198. on the top shelf over the sink.

199. Enid wants that jar so bad she can taste it.

200. Oh, right.

201. You don't remember that she's paralyzed

202. and can't stand up out of her wheelchair.

203. That's why you're not laughing.

204. No, Bob,

205. we're not laughing because we're all horrified.

206. Well, it tickles me.

207. Ok, honey, I know Elliot upset you with this whole Keith thing.

208. Listen, we're all going to be extra, extra sensitive

209. so you don't get riled up, ok?

210. I'm wearing red. Should I not be wearing red around her?

211. She's pregnant, she's not a bull.

212. I know you think I'm just being crazy,

213. but, Elliot, you should not give up on Keith.

214. You say he's not strong enough for you,

215. because he keeps getting stepped on at work?

216. But that's what it's like for interns.

217. And you're just doing what we all do

218. when we start to get serious in a relationship,

219. you're freaking out and you're trying to poke holes in it.

220. Remember when I first started dating Turk

221. and I wanted to bail on him, because he cried at the end of sex?

222. - Baby! - Relax, brown bear,

223. there's no shame in crymaxing.

224. And you know how hard single life can be, just ask Kim.

225. Wait, Kim's single?

226. Oh, yeah. She's been divorced for like over a year.

227. She just wears a ring at the hospital

228. so she doesn't get hit on all the time.

229. Turk, keys!

230. Yahtzee!

231. Hey, girl. What are you doing? Want to get some coffee later?

232. And then the ultimate Cox block...

233. Hey! Why isn't Mr. Peters in there getting surgery?

234. I decided against it.

235. Yeah, she thought it would be best if I treated him medically.

236. First of all, nobody, nobody's ever thought that, ever.

237. Secondly, she's a cutter.

238. When's last time you ever met a cutter who didn't want to cut?

239. Laverne, you've been here 40 years now, you ever heard of such a thing?

240. I'm gonna kill somebody.

241. I guess we all get mad

242. when people say things we don't want to hear.

243. Elliot, I'm sorry,

244. but I can't let you leave until you promise me

245. you'll think about it with Keith.

246. Oh, my God, Carla, will you, please, just but out of this one?

247. Especially when things feel a bit fishy.

248. - Here's your cash. - Oh, thanks.

249. - Hey, is that a new coat? - Yep, just picked it up.

250. Where'd you get the money to buy it?

251. Mmm, I don't think it's any business of yours.

252. Still, it's always good to hear the truth.

253. Surgery is really the only thing that has a shot at curing this guy.

254. And the reason that she's not going to do it is

255. because he's older, and he's got heart issues,

256. which makes him high-risk.

257. And if he were to drop dead on her operating table, well...

258. That would make her surgery stats go down.

259. And that wouldn't look very good on a young doctor's resume, would it?

260. Even if it means losing respect

261. for someone you thought you might like.

262. What can I say? You got me.

263. Damn!

264. Hold up!

265. Dr. Turk, I covered your gastric bypass patient last night

266. and he left a message for you.

267. - What'd he say? - You are square!

268. - Stupid greasers. - Oh, here comes Kim.

269. She's had all night to think about what she did,

270. so she'll probably be in a shame spiral. Let's enjoy it.

271. Aw, hey, fellows, how you living?

272. Large! What?

273. What, was I not supposed to answer her?

274. I wasn't the only one having relationship problems.

275. Sorry about the way I left last night. We're ok, right?

276. Until you receive further notice, consider us not speaking.

277. I know you took my money to buy that ridiculous coat.

278. I bet you can't prove it.

279. Enid, you are my eyewitness. Did he take more than $400?

280. Enid, is that a new pantsuit?

281. You think you're pretty smart, don't you?

282. All I think is that leather never goes out of style.

283. And if you're going to keep your money in a pickle jar,

284. you should probably know how much is in there.

285. And that it never hurts to buy your invalid wife something nice

286. so, maybe, she can feel pretty.

287. These are just general thoughts about life, nothing specific to you.

288. Mmm, that was nice. Thank you.

289. - That wasn't me. - Hey, dudes.

290. Don't "hey, dudes" us. You know what bothers me?

291. Non-threatening colloquial greetings?

292. It bother me that a doctor wouldn't help a patient

293. - so she could keep her stats up. - Yeah.

294. Look, J.D., surgery is competitive. We do what we have to get ahead.

295. Well, my best friend here is a surgeon

296. and would never pass on a risky surgery just to keep his stats up.

297. Actually, I have done that. Everyone has.

298. Oh, my God. Out of here! Dr. Cox, please, weigh-in.

299. Well, it's no secret how I feel about surgeons. I hate them.

300. I would liken them to rocks, but that would be an insult to rocks

301. because, you see, at least rocks are useful to society.

302. We build bridges with them.

303. We throw them at guys who wear those tiny phones clipped to their heads.

304. It's a phone. You can't do this?

305. - However— - Now, back to the crux of the matter.

306. Hit her, per.

307. However, it is not Dr. Briggs' fault that she works in a broken system.

308. Top hospitals are only interested in hiring surgeons

309. who they think are flawless.

310. Newbie, that's not the answer you thought you were gonna hear.

311. But, as always, I don't care.

312. Thank God, he didn't see this.

313. Ha! Yeah, mom, I was listening the whole time. I just couldn't talk.

314. Argh!

315. Looks like somebody took their new titanium 8-iron

316. with a leather grip and went to town on your Van.

317. - Well done, sir. - What, you think I did it?

318. - Too bad you can't prove it. - Really?

319. I think I need to take more. Blood.

320. What the hell is this?

321. It's Dorian's camera. This must be a scene from Dr. Acula.

322. You ain't takin' no more blood from my ho-slappin' hand.

323. I will pimp slap you.

324. This feels really, uh, racist, J.D. Oh, come on.

325. Why can't I be a vampire? Because it's my movie.

326. Now, let's take it from the top.

327. And I'm not gonna ask you again, blacker.

328. - Blacker. - Yes, please.

329. - Blacker. - Ahh!

330. Now comes the good part.

331. What do you want?

332. So, hey. I thought you might be hungry.

333. Did you enjoy the pancakes I left on your computer?

334. No. But I enjoyed the 3,000 ants crawling on my keyboard.

335. There's 2 of them doing it on the "F" button.

336. I could be wrong, but it looks like 2 girls.

337. What do you want, Elliot? I wanted to apologize.

338. - Well, save it. - Look, Carla, I—

339. Honestly, you must be really bored with this friendship

340. when all you do is take, take, take.

341. And the most embarrassing thing is,

342. you don't even realize you're doing it.

343. Because, let's face it, at the end of the day, you're nothing

344. but a spoiled, selfish, neurotic little girl from Connecticut

345. who has absolutely no idea how to take care—

346. Whoa, ok, that's enough.

347. I don't know what you two are fighting about,

348. but it doesn't matter,

349. 'cause no one's allowed to be that mean to my girlfriend,

350. especially when she's just trying to apologize.

351. Are we clear?

352. Nobody really speaks to Carla like that.

353. It was really cool getting to know you, man.

354. The irony was that Keith was yelling at the one woman

355. who had been trying to save his relationship.

356. I'm sorry, Elliot.

357. And even more ironic was that it looked like she had.

358. - Thanks for standing up for me. - Yeah, totally.

359. I think Elliot finally seeing who Keith really was

360. made me understand why I was so upset with Kim.

361. - Look who's happy again. - Yeah, well, it's just—

362. J.D., one second. I'm on the phone with my mom.

363. She just got her R.V. fixed.

364. Mom, I gotta go. You can call me from the road.

365. My mom loves the road.

366. I finally figured out what bothers me so much about you.

367. Well, lay it on me, studly.

368. It's the way you're so concerned about protecting yourself.

369. I mean, no one in this entire hospital

370. has a bad thing to say about you,

371. and I'm guessing that's because you're so careful

372. not to rub anyone the wrong way.

373. And you still wear your wedding ring.

374. That prevents any guy from getting anywhere near you.

375. You wouldn't operate on Mr. Peters,

376. and we both know how you're protecting yourself there.

377. I don't know. I guess in the grand scheme of things,

378. it's not that big a deal. I just...

379. I was a little disappointed to find out who you turned out to be.

380. I'll see you around, Kim.

381. See you.

382. I don't want to do this.

383. No problem. I'll just give the videotape to the police.

384. Ladies and gentlemen, this is your chief of medicine, Bob Kelso.

385. I feel compelled to tell you

386. that I do, in fact, fear the Janitor.

387. Honestly, is there anyone else with such a brilliant mind?

388. You planned all this, didn't you?

389. The whole being mean thing so that Keith would stand up for me?

390. Oh, thanks.

391. You didn't plan a damn thing, did you?

392. - No, I snapped like a twig. - Yeah.

393. Please don't tell her.

394. Anyway, I guess people can always surprise you.

395. - Who's Dr. Briggs operating on? - Your patient, Mr. Peters.

396. So, please,

397. join me in basking in the glow of the Janitor's awesome...

398. - This isn't a word. - Read it.

399. Fearitude. Good night.

400. And good luck. And watch that movie.

401. I saw you did that surgery on Mr. Peters.

402. Did you decide it was the right thing to do?

403. No, actually, it was a stupid career risk.

404. Then why'd you do it?

405. Because, for some reason,

406. I find myself really caring about what you think of me.

407. Oh.

408. Cool.