Scrubs 5x2

Directed by Bill Lawrence

Sam Lloyd as Ted Buckland • Robert Maschio as Todd • Aloma Wright as Laverne Roberts • Alexander Chaplin as Mr. Thompson • Keli Daniels as Nurse

J.D. wants to show Dr. Cox and Dr. Kelso how to treat interns, but instead he finds out that they laugh at his bad jokes out of fear and respect. Everyone at the hospital is avoiding Jordan to get rid of her except for Turk. An aborted attempt to bond with her results in Jordan being conned by Sam, the drug addict. Elsewhere, Elliot's fellowship goes sour and she finds herself confiding in loose-lipped Carla.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Hey, Turk, I'm gonna go across the street and get some coffee.

2. - You want one? - Get me a small one-pump mocha.

3. The perfect setup to a joke, but no one's around to hear.

4. Whoo! Dude!

5. Oh, God! Ohh! Ohhhh! Dude!

6. So, what did you want me to get you?

7. A small one-pump mocha?

8. Wasn't that your nickname in high school?

9. Hello!

10. Dude, there's a guy upstairs waitin' to have his spleen removed.

11. It was worth it.

12. Let's go, Per.

13. I've been waiting for an hour.

14. I know. I was leafing through a magazine

15. and watching you on the security cameras.

16. My favorite part is when you said, "screw her!"

17. Then you stormed out, but then you came back

18. 'cause you realized... I have the keys.

19. Jordan, now that you work here every day,

20. - if the carpool torturing persists, - right...

21. I'm gonna put a Plexiglas separator

22. right down the middle of the car so you can't drive me crazy.

23. You can't, you can't, you can't.

24. Unfortunately, your door handle doesn't work from the inside,

25. which simply means that if we're in a fiery crash,

26. - you won't be able to get out. - Oh.

27. However, that's a risk I'm sure willing to take.

28. Jorderoo?

29. Hello!

30. I'm in here.

31. You can't see me.

32. Jordan! Ohhh...

33. Not everyone was in hell at their job.

34. In fact, there was only one thing

35. Elliot didn't like about her new hospital—

36. Charlie, her co-fellow.

37. Aaahhh! Ohhh!

38. - Good morning, Charlie. - Uh, do you want to work

39. on the osteogenesis imperfecta therapy with me?

40. Charlie, I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told you yesterday

41. when you popped out of that Hazmat bin:

42. I work alone, and you have somebody else's blood on your neck.

43. Take a shower, man.

44. Fine. I'll just go.

45. Aaaahhh!

46. Yes!

47. That is an intern in a bald cap.

48. I hate you, Charlie.

49. Hippocratic oath on 3.

50. 1, 2, 3.

51. First, do no harm!

52. There it is. All right. Kick some ass today, guys.

53. Except for Mr. Woodsen in 302. He's got that rectal tear.

54. You seem to be developing quite the rapport with your interns.

55. We even spent this weekend

56. - building a house for the homeless. - How'd that go?

57. Thanks.

58. Ha ha!

59. In my defense, who wears a tie to a construction site?

60. I believe in team-building, too, newbie,

61. and I'd make my interns agree with me,

62. but they're in a time-out right now

63. because one of them used the phrase "let's rock 'n' roll."

64. Son, when you're an intern, you get treated like crap,

65. and then when you're in a position of power,

66. you do the same thing to them. It's inevitable...

67. like the tie or the awkward toast

68. I'm going to have to give someday at my son's big gay wedding.

69. Mark my words, eventually, you'll treat them like dirt

70. like the rest of us do.

71. Sir, I'd love to chat, but it's already 8:00.

72. I gotta rock 'n' roll.

73. I beg your pardon?

74. - I'm an attending. - Tell it to the wall, newbie.

75. - The answer's 2. - What?

76. How many janitors does it take to change a light bulb? 2.

77. Ok, that doesn't make any sense.

78. Hank's an electrician and you are not funny.

79. I'm very funny. Earlier, I made a killer one-pump mocha joke.

80. Everybody laughed.

81. I bet that nobody laughed but you didn't notice that

82. 'cause you were busy doin' that cocky self-laugh thing

83. you do when you think you're bein' funny.

84. Wasn't that your nickname in high school?

85. Ha ha ha ha ha.

86. Anyhoo, have a good one, lurch.

87. I had to skedaddle

88. because today was burger day in the caf,

89. and that meant one thing...

90. 75 hungry employees and one bottle of ketchup.

91. - Got the ketchup. - And here is your burger.

92. Oh, frick. I forgot my burger.

93. No, she didn't.

94. Hey, how come Elliot never invites us over to her hospital?

95. She probably doesn't want you guys embarrassing her.

96. How would we embarrass her?

97. Oh, maybe by diagnosing all your female patients with Turk fever?

98. Honey, a lot of women suffer from that.

99. It's true. I even had it.

100. What, that stupid Siamese twin thing you do?

101. You mean multi-ethnic Siamese doctor? Bite, please.

102. - Here it is. - Arrmmm! Mmm.

103. Mmm! That's headed right to our joint colon.

104. Yeah. I think I've made my point.

105. So, tell me something, Carla.

106. Has she invited you to her new hospital?

107. - Hmm? - Hmm?

108. Victory sip.

109. - Ah! - Staff mates. Ketchup.

110. - Ah. - Is this seat taken?

111. The ketchup is for winners, Ted.

112. Jordan, you have to make other friends in this place.

113. For the love of God, the only respite I get from you

114. is when we're making love and I pretend you're someone else.

115. Yeah, I usually pretend we're doing something else.

116. - Dammit! - Dammit!

117. I am your new friend, so suck it.

118. I need to go talk to my boys.

119. Oh, and I have to go talk to Elliot.

120. No, wait! Don't leave me!

121. So I hear you and the wife are trying for a boy.

122. Little tip. The night that Perry and I conceived Jack, he was on top.

123. It was about 3 days before my ovulation. Yeah.

124. Oh, and he was choking me. Ggkktt! Oh, it was good.

125. Ok, let me just...

126. My boys need the ketchup!

127. That's a lot of boys. Rex gets first dibs

128. because I opened his chest with a buzz saw.

129. J.D., ketchup!

130. Mmhh. I gotta get back to my hospital.

131. I was thinking maybe I'd come by there and visit you tomorrow.

132. Tomorrow's not great, but we'll definitely do it sometime,

133. you know, um, in the future.

134. So, we're having Mexican food

135. - and drinking water— - Carla?

136. - What are you doing here? - Hey, Elliot.

137. Let me just finish telling them the story.

138. We were at this tiny little ATM machine...

139. Ohhh... I knew I shouldn't have had that chimie chonga.

140. I have to... You know?

141. - Huh? - Fff... fff!

142. Oh. Oh, go for it. There's mostly guys here.

143. They'll never think it was you.

144. I think that blond girl just farted.

145. Ohhh...

146. - Remember that, Elliot? - Yeah... I remember.

147. Those 2 new nurses have wonderful breasts.

148. Hey... They have names.

149. Tina, Marge, Sloppy, and Mr. Snuggles.

150. Sloppy's bigger than Mr. Snuggles.

151. What are you guys talkin' about?

152. Oh, we were just...

153. Guess they all had someplace to be.

154. - Just go! - Ok!

155. Hey. If you feel like talkin',

156. I've got a dandy conversation starter.

157. I have had someone else's fingers

158. in 4— count 'em— 4 different orifices... today.

159. Oh. Must be your birthday.

160. Ok, gang, I'll meet you up in radiology

161. to talk about Mr. Heath's cat scan.

162. His tumor's getting so big,

163. it's starting to look like a three-mor.

164. Not funny.

165. Have you been following me around all day dressed like an intern?

166. Yes, and you're a terrible teacher.

167. I'm not prepared to operate on anyone.

168. Whatever. If it wasn't funny, why did they all laugh?

169. Wake up and smell the third-floor urinal

170. I haven't cleaned in 4 years.

171. Everybody kisses the ass of the person above them.

172. I was going to be a cardiologist, but I didn't have the heart.

173. I was going to be a psychiatrist, but I was a-Freud.

174. - Ha ha ha! - Oh, yeah! Ha ha ha!

175. I was gonna be a doctor but I didn't have the patients.

176. Ha ha ha ha ha!

177. I was gonna be a vagrant, but I couldn't raise the dough.

178. - Ha ha. Funny. - Ha ha ha!

179. You know, I was gonna have her bring you some chicken,

180. but it was foul.

181. Ha ha ha!

182. You get it now?

183. Your relationship with your interns is a sham.

184. That dog just laughed at a pun.

185. Ooh! I'm not gonna lie to you. That hurts.

186. Not gonna lie. That hurts. Tell me about your kid.

187. Oh, how'd you know I was a mom?

188. As a parent myself, I can read the signs. You know?

189. And let us not forget

190. the understated coffee mug we're carrying.

191. Oh.

192. How do I know that guy?

193. Maybe... you used to date him.

194. Oh, that's so clever. I'm gay. Wow. That's good.

195. I'm tired.

196. Maybe he's from the international pretentious association

197. and he's here to remove your goatee.

198. - So, what do you've, a boy or girl? - I have a little girl.

199. Don't get to see her often enough.

200. Um... see, I don't know, a few years ago,

201. I had a little, uh... business problem.

202. - What was your business? - Import, export.

203. Yeah, I would import heroin into my bloodstream;

204. I would export vomit and urine

205. into whatever alley would have me as a guest.

206. Oh. Sorry. That's a little smile I get

207. when I'm silently judging someone.

208. Anyway, the thing is, it's Jenny's sixth birthday on Monday,

209. and, uh... I'm not really sure that I can fly out and make it.

210. It's, uh, it's hard to get a job, you know?

211. Money's tight. I've got hospital bills that I can't pay.

212. - Sam, I am so sorry. - Yeah...

213. I know who he is!

214. - One little problem. - Oh, my God!

215. Just give me the drugs. 'K, lady?

216. For God's sake, I been workin' you from every possible angle.

217. That's the junkie who conned Elliot into giving him meds.

218. Just got interesting, people.

219. The janitor was wrong.

220. My interns weren't laughing at my jokes because I'm their boss.

221. It made me think about how some people

222. don't want to just open the door...

223. Walk in, and see the truth.

224. Why did you come here, Carla?

225. You're mad at me?

226. Why didn't you want me to come to your job?

227. Hey, bank farter, if you want, we're all going down for lunch.

228. You tell me.

229. After all, the truth can reveal the ugliest part of people.

230. That guy's conned damn near everyone in this hospital.

231. I've gotta warn her.

232. Jordan! Ohh!

233. Ohhh... She wanted to work here,

234. so let her see what it's like to work here.

235. And for God's sake, will you be a man?

236. As for me...

237. I already knew exactly what the truth was.

238. Plus, my best friend was always around to back me up.

239. How funny is this joke?

240. That patient's tumor is so big,

241. it's starting to look like a three-mor.

242. - Ha ha ha. - Ha ha ha! Three-mor!

243. You are hilarious, Dr. D.

244. Awful.

245. Awful.

246. Awful!

247. Ok, be cool. They're just kids.

248. Except Gloria. What is her deal?

249. Ok, guys, let's talk for a second as equals. All right?

250. Seriously. I'm takin' off my stethoscope

251. and my little name tag.

252. I'm not a doctor right now.

253. You're still wearin' scrubs.

254. We are in a hospital, man.

255. Ok, we're off the property. Now, let's talk.

256. - Shouldn't we wait for Gloria? - Coming!

257. We'll catch her up later.

258. Have you guys been fake laughing at my jokes?

259. Be honest. I promise absolutely no ramifications.

260. Well, we've been kinda fake laughing.

261. Keith, I hope you die a violent death and bugs eat your corpse.

262. Look, uh, your jokes kinda suck,

263. and when I laugh, you pick me to do procedures.

264. Unbelievable!

265. From now on, there is absolutely no laughing at my jokes

266. unless they're particularly hysterical.

267. Talk about your Mission: Impossibles.

268. Case closed.

269. What is it with you and the costumes today?

270. I borrowed it from my brother. He's a stripper.

271. I'm here.

272. Gloria.

273. Look, Carla... I didn't want you to come here because... well...

274. Look, there is so much great about you.

275. You're smart. You're loyal.

276. You've absolutely shattered all of my preconceived notions

277. - about Chicanos. - Elliot... spring it.

278. You're a bit of a gossip.

279. So I'm interested in people's stories!

280. Thanks to you, for the rest of my career,

281. I have the world's worst nickname.

282. "Bank farter" is not so bad. It sounds German.

283. Don't make fun of my people, Carla!

284. Hey, bank farter, did you hear?

285. Charlie found a successful gene therapy for O.I.

286. He basically cured the disease.

287. How did he even have any time to work

288. when he was always torturing me?

289. Jealousy's an ugly color, bank farter.

290. Anyway, we're discontinuing your fellowship.

291. Frick! Frick! Frick! Frick! Frick! Frick!

292. Frick! Frickity frick, frick, frick!

293. I'm not sure how people go about doing these things.

294. But here.

295. You should be there for your daughter's birthday.

296. I can't take that.

297. Come on. I can't even Botox an ear with this.

298. Oh. Would everyone please watch this?

299. Because nobody, but nobody cries like Sammy.

300. He leads off with the chin quiver.

301. Then he goes right to the look-away.

302. He tries to hold it back, but he just can't

303. because there's too much pain.

304. And then finally he squeezes out one single... tear.

305. Ladies and gentlemen, that is some quality crack addict theater.

306. I can't watch this.

307. Then move your big, bald, biscuit head.

308. Some of us don't have cable.

309. This is a little trust exercise

310. that I really think's gonna connect us again.

311. Remove your blindfolds, please.

312. - See your death. - Aaahh!

313. - See your death. - Aaahhh!

314. Keith...

315. don't worry, buddy, we're cool.

316. - Really? - No! See your death!

317. No! But I looked up to yooouuuu...

318. It doesn't.

319. Hey! Why don't you guys go upstairs and do some work.

320. And for God sakes, will somebody wake up Gloria?

321. Ok, enough waving. You wave too much.

322. You abuse waving. Go.

323. There it is, just like I said.

324. I can feel your hatred like a cool spring breeze. Ah...

325. Gloria...

326. I can't believe I don't have a job!

327. Is that even yours?

328. I need your support right now, Carla!

329. Carla... you cannot tell Turk and J.D. about this

330. until I get back on my feet again.

331. Why? They'll just feel bad for you.

332. No, they'll be merciless.

333. Seriously. If you tell, I will never trust you again with anything.

334. - Where've you been? - Nowhere.

335. - What're you doin'? - Nothing!

336. - How's blonde doctor? - Cheese!

337. - What's the dish? - I gotta go.

338. - Hey. - No hablo inglés.

339. Oh, my God. You got that little bit of saliva on your lips

340. that says you know somethin' juicy.

341. - No, I don't. - Here it comes.

342. Yes!

343. - Well, ok. Here's the scoop. - Yes.

344. - Here's the scoop, indeed. - You've gotta promise not to tell.

345. I know.

346. Sam... what are you doing back here?

347. Hey, lamb chop, uh, crazy story.

348. I was, uh, I was takin' a bus. And my plane ticket,

349. there was an accident, and thank God I'm alive.

350. I'd hug you, and then I'd ahhhh!

351. Jordan. Uh, this is one of our most famous

352. con artists/ drug addicts.

353. Nice to see you, sir.

354. You as well. Turtleton.

355. - You've dealt with him before. - Hey, dude.

356. Why didn't you tell her?

357. 'Cause he told me not to.

358. This is gonna cost you.

359. Get off my back. I'm not in the mood.

360. Ohh!

361. Say it again.

362. Get off my back, I'm not in the mood?

363. That's what she said.

364. Zoom, zoom, zoom ♪ Ha ha ha ha!

365. Ok. I'm sure you know about it. Go ahead.

366. Take your shots.

367. You got bug eyes.

368. Just because you dye your mustache blonde doesn't mean it's gone.

369. That's all that you have to say?

370. - Excuse us. - Excuse us.

371. - Oh, my God! You kept my secret! - I know!

372. I almost told them, too, but I didn't... because I love you.

373. I love you, too!

374. - Aaahh! - Aaahh!

375. - Ha ha ha! - Ha ha ha! Oh.

376. I had to tell Turk something, so you smoke a pipe now.

377. Oh. Coolio. Ha ha!

378. What's wrong?

379. - Well... - Well, we were gonna do

380. multi-ethnic Siamese doctor has a fresca,

381. but then Turk started gettin' on my case about my interns.

382. He's mad because they're suckin' up to him,

383. and I was sayin', "dude, that's the same exact thing you did

384. - with Dr. Cox." - You know what?

385. Put our right hand in front of your face.

386. Now, talk to it.

387. J.D., he's right. If you want to be a jerk attending, too,

388. go ahead, but don't do it because they resent you. That's not fair.

389. Dude, get up. I gotta go to the bathroom.

390. As I went to the men's room with Turk,

391. praying he only had to go onesies,

392. I thought about the different methods that we use to teach.

393. Well, look, I wasn't sure if you wanted to give him more money

394. or skip the middle man altogether

395. and actually give him narcotics,

396. so I went ahead and brought your ATM card

397. and a, uh, heroin sandwich.

398. It's not heroin. It's smoked Turkey.

399. So you thought if you made me look like a fool, I'd quit. Is that it?

400. So, Jordan, I heard Sam got you.

401. Don't worry. He totally suckered me once.

402. When I first started, I lent my car to a patient to go pick up her kid.

403. Last time I ever saw that hotrod.

404. Remember that meningitis patient who stole your identity?

405. Darryl. He's cool.

406. From now on, he's only gonna use my credit card for emergencies.

407. It's a rite of passage that you have to go through

408. around here to be accepted.

409. Oh, my God. You actually did something nice for me.

410. No, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. It was a selfish act.

411. If other people talk to you, you won't have to talk to me.

412. Thank you.

413. I think it's always easier to be a jerk than a good guy.

414. Did we do somethin' wrong, Dr. Dorian?

415. No, you guys are fine. You're doin' a good job.

416. Still, good guy or not,

417. there's no reason why you shouldn't enjoy the perks.

418. You know what? I want the laughter back!

419. And you know what? I liked it when you waved.

420. You were always waving. That was nice.

421. Why don't all of you just wave.

422. All right.

423. Ultimately, you can deal with anything,

424. as long as you have a group of friends around

425. to go through it all with you.

426. Hey, guys. What's goin' on?

427. I can't imagine what it'd be like

428. if I were all on my own.

429. Excuse me. Um, can I please borrow your "help wanted" section?

430. Thank you.