Scrubs 5x19

1. (J.D.) Turk and Carla were converting my old bedroom

2. into a nursery, so I helped paint a mural for the new baby.

3. - (both) Done. - (Carla) Oh, hell, no.

4. Is that big ugly one shooting laser beams into the crib?

5. That's Optimus Prime,

6. and I don't think he'd appreciate you calling him the "big ugly one."

7. - No, he wouldn't. - No, he wouldn't.

8. - Not Optimus. - Secondly, if junior gets scared,

9. he can always climb into bed with us.

10. That's what I did with my mama.

11. What do you mean "did"?

12. J.D., last Christmas

13. I walked in on Turk and his mom cuddling together in bed.

14. (J.D.) Turk gets defensive when it comes to his mother.

15. I think you're just jealous 'cause your mom's dead.

16. Whoa.

17. - We should probably take a break. - No, no, no.

18. You're gonna finish building that crib like you promised.

19. And you are driving to the cemetery, cleaning up my mom's grave

20. and asking her for forgiveness.

21. I hate having to ask for forgiveness.

22. How's my mom doing?

23. I asked her if she still hated me and then the sprinklers came on.

24. Give her time. She's only been dead for 3 years.

25. But, baby, it's too soon to be putting a nursery together,

26. test-driving minivans or buying baby monitors.

27. (J.D.) I can't get this crib together.

28. And can somebody please bring me a glass of water?

29. You go this time.

30. Thank you.

31. (J.D.) Thinking about Turk and Carla becoming parents

32. made me think about my own mom and how much she probably misses me.

33. I bet she wishes she could see

34. what life is like around here through my eyes.

35. And that's why I strapped my video camera to my head.

36. - Morning, weirdo. - Morning.

37. (J.D.) It was the perfect idea. She got to meet my superiors.

38. That's right. An old man stole some ice cream.

39. (J.D.) I even got some great footage of Dr. Cox.

40. - Where the hell have you been? - I'm making a video postcard.

41. You have a message for my mom?

42. No. But since she brought you into the world,

43. I do have a message for her uterus.

44. Bad uterus. Don't do that anymore.

45. She had a hysterectomy last month,

46. but I'm sure I can just edit over that part.

47. Let's go see Mr. Mcnair.

48. (J.D.) Mr. Mcnair had locked-in syndrome,

49. a paralysis so severe that he could only communicate through a computer

50. that responds to his eye movements.

51. Check his vitals, Ava.

52. Why does he call you a girl's name?

53. Thank you for asking, Mr. Mcnair.

54. The thing about Dr. Cox is the closer he feels to a person,

55. the more he needs to push them away.

56. So when he calls me Ava, he's actually saying,

57. "J.D., I care about you."

58. - Vulnerable people... - Oh, my God.

59. I get it now. Carol. Carol. Carol.

60. Now you're being a jerk.

61. - Carol. - Jerk.

62. - Carol. Carol. - Jerk. Jerk.

63. Newbie, I'm relatively certain the computer is broken.

64. - Carol. Carol. - My bad.

65. I felt bad for Mr. Mcnair.

66. But I was off until 6:00 tonight,

67. so I decided to grab a quick nap in the Sun.

68. What the— huhhh!

69. - (Turk) Where the hell is J.D.? - (Carla) He's off until 6:00.

70. Any second now, he's gonna come walking through that door

71. all lost in the stars.

72. (Janitor) With Dorian taken care of,

73. I'm not sure how I should spend my day.

74. I suppose I could clean.

75. (laughs) God help me. That still makes me laugh.

76. Oh, no. It's black Kojak and scary nurse wife.

77. Give her an innocuous compliment

78. You are glowing.

79. (Janitor) Free and clear.

80. Have you seen J.D.?

81. Where am I?

82. Hello?

83. Anyone?

84. No. Don't know where he is.

85. (Janitor) Man, I love that adrenaline rush you get

86. from lying to someone's face. Do it again.

87. Dr. Kelso, I must say

88. that your nose hair is not the least bit long and creepy

89. like most old guys.

90. Thank you.

91. Hey, Perry! Great shirt.

92. I wish I'd thought of athletic apparel

93. when I was going through my midlife crisis.

94. It'd been a hell of a lot cheaper than a cigarette boat

95. named Dr. Feelgood.

96. That laughing had better not be aimed in my direction, bro.

97. Bro? Dude, bros don't even use "bro."

98. You're not as hip as you think you are.

99. And you are?

100. I'm black.

101. God knew my people would go through struggles,

102. so he gave us a lifetime supply of cool to compensate.

103. Just like he knew white people would be rhythmically challenged,

104. and he gave you all this dance.

105. You're black?

106. 'Cause last I checked,

107. you had a nerdy white best friend, you enjoy Neil Diamond,

108. and you damn sure act like a black guy.

109. And these, my friend, are all characteristics of white guys.

110. Please understand. I'm a huge supporter of the NAACP.

111. And if you don't know what that stands for,

112. it is the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People.

113. And quite frankly, I always thought

114. they should change the "colored" people to African Americans.

115. But then, of course, it wouldn't be the NAACP.

116. It would be the n-quad-a, or naaaa.

117. No. This probably sounds like a digression.

118. But it actually leads me back to my original point.

119. Do I think you're black?

120. Nah!

121. Knock knock.

122. (Janitor) Who's there? Nurse Mophead.

123. Nurse Mophead who? You have a Mophead.

124. Well, your new computer should be here tonight.

125. She got out of here in a hurry, didn't she?

126. I know what that's like when people just say the bare minimum to you.

127. But with me, it's usually "mop that floor...

128. clean that counter, stop provoking that bear."

129. Want me to keep you company?

130. I don't mind. I'm just working on my own stuff today anyway.

131. I'm a bit of an inventor. I'm gonna show you my latest one.

132. Pen straw.

133. Perfect.

134. Except I don't like that cola. Tastes like ink.

135. But that's just one. I got a million ideas.

136. I don't care if he is on the first floor.

137. I need this cleaned up right now.

138. I'm here. Just open up the window.

139. That was quick.

140. I call it the hover hoover, where suction meets the sky.

141. The only problem is I've answered it 5 times.

142. Dr. Reid, would you mind explaining to me

143. why you called the Chief of Surgery

144. to consult on a cellulitis patient yesterday?

145. I wasn't even here yesterday.

146. But your interns were. And their mistakes are your mistakes,

147. whether it's an unnecessary consult

148. or that young man's ridiculous haircut.

149. This cost $60.

150. Let's hope your stylist put that money towards rehab.

151. Darn it, you guys.

152. I'm sick and tired of all of your careless mistakes.

153. Lisa, why isn't Mrs. Giabli on telemetry?

154. And, Keith, I know you had a 12-hour shift yesterday,

155. but that is no excuse for not turning in your patient histories.

156. Elliot, you dragged me to dinner and made me play scrabble all night.

157. How you spend your private life isn't my responsibility, Keith, ok?

158. Fine. I'll do them tonight.

159. Oh, you can't. You're taking me to the movies.

160. Get on the ball, Keith. All of you, go work.

161. Wow.

162. Weren't you the big, bad-ass attending.

163. Well, it's time for them to sink or swim.

164. I got to where I am on my own, ok.

165. Nobody helped you out in the beginning, huh?

166. Dr. Cox was my attending.

167. He was nice enough to keep track of the number of times he made me cry.

168. 27, counting this morning.

169. Yeah. Yeah. I'm PMSing, and he made fun of my shoes.

170. Laverne, what are you doing out here?

171. Tonight's date night with Mr. Roberts,

172. and I like to prime the pump by watching the young men sweat.

173. Hey, Dr. Cox, if I wasn't a black man, could I do this?

174. That's game, all right? That's game. You got next?

175. - Yeah, I got next. - Well, I should warn you.

176. They call me the Candyman 'cause my moves are so sweet.

177. And they call me the pig

178. because I say sexist and derogatory things to women.

179. Lonnie, play with Dr. Cox.

180. Let's go!

181. Ohh! Ohh!

182. Dude, look at the glasses. Look at the mouthpiece.

183. Dr. Turk is not aware that Lonnie was all-conference at Villanova.

184. Laverne, would you go ahead and thank what's-his-name for me?

185. - Jesus? - That's him.

186. - Let's go. - Check ball.

187. Lisa, why did you order 100 units of insulin for Mrs. Best?

188. No, that's only 10 units.

189. I just put a smiley face after the zero.

190. Look, Lisa, you have to be crystal clear with your medication orders.

191. Ok, it's causing a bit of a seizure.

192. Hey, janitor!

193. Come here. Would you hold her legs down? Please.

194. (Janitor.) This is it. I'm in the show. Dr. Janitor.

195. We'll give her an amp of D-50.

196. This is easy. Just like drowning someone.

197. Ok. You can let her legs go now. I think we're good.

198. I didn't see the demon leave the body.

199. I'm sure it did.

200. Hey, janitor, good job.

201. Good job.

202. Dr. Reid will kill me when she finds out about this.

203. Relax. I'll go talk to Dr. Reid. It won't be a big deal.

204. What? Oh, I'm gonna make someone burn for this.

205. Who did it, Carla?

206. I guess I just didn't realize

207. how much I picked up just from working here.

208. I heard her yell, "hold this woman's legs down,"

209. and instinctively, I knew what to do.

210. Good for you.

211. Now I've got to go meet my husband at the bus station...

212. pretend to be a streetwalker.

213. Enjoy your date night.

214. (Janitor) Ok, Mr. Cool guy, you had your moment of glory.

215. No need to make a big deal out of it.

216. Hey! Slow down, buddy. What's the hurry?

217. Come here. I wanna tell you a little story about a hero.

218. (Janitor) You know what? The hell with it.

219. It feels good to get a little attention.

220. I'll tell you one thing.

221. Beats falling flat on your ass.

222. Holy moly.

223. That'd have been really embarrassing if you were black.

224. Oh ho ho ho!

225. Great.

226. Seriously, Carla, I need to know who's responsible for this.

227. (Janitor) Or lying to cover someone's ass.

228. I don't know.

229. It was just a clerical error. There's no way to trace it.

230. Was I brave?

231. Brave's a pretty strong word.

232. Perhaps the better term is "Valiant."

233. Off you go.

234. Anyway, for once, I didn't feel like a jerk.

235. Is he still talking about holding that patient's legs?

236. Give him a break.

237. You know how hard it is for us

238. to come here and bust our humps every day.

239. Imagine how it must feel being here

240. and knowing you don't even make a difference.

241. You know what? I don't care what those people say.

242. I know I make a difference around here.

243. Hey, Jill.

244. They don't know how different it would be if I wasn't here.

245. Hey, Jill.

246. Yep. A lot of lives would change.

247. In fact, I am gonna prove that to them right now.

248. I am gonna fix your computer.

249. I just got to go get my real tools.

250. I've turned all of these into eating utensils.

251. Dig in.

252. You know what time it is?

253. (Janitor) 4:15.

254. 3:30.

255. Oh, thank goodness. I thought I was running late.

256. I do love to lie.

257. Look at my face, Keith. What does it mean when I'm frowning?

258. That you're feeling insecure and you're suspicious

259. that I think someone on television is prettier than you.

260. At work, Keith.

261. Uh...

262. Well, Keith was half right.

263. This face does mean that I am suspicious.

264. I was reviewing the medical records and I realized that Mrs. Best

265. received an inordinate amount of insulin.

266. I wanna know who screwed up.

267. (Carla) Elliot.

268. You're wasting your time.

269. You know how interns stick together.

270. They're never gonna rat each other out.

271. What you're forgetting, Carla,

272. is that I am sleeping with one of those interns.

273. Seeing as I've already gotten Keith to pee sitting down

274. so that there's absolutely no chance of seat splatter,

275. I'm betting that I'm probably gonna be able to get him to talk.

276. Keith.

277. Meet me in the caf in half an hour.

278. Keith, you better not tell her who did it.

279. But Elliot scares me.

280. Elliot is a blonde 108-pound ski pole

281. from a cul-de-sac in Connecticut.

282. I am an underpaid pregnant nurse from the block...

283. who over the next 6 months will become fatter and angrier.

284. Now, who are you really afraid of?

285. The fatty?

286. Be careful, Keith.

287. Oh. I love it.

288. And they say it's the safest thing we can do for our baby.

289. Can we get it?

290. No. No, no, no. Let's take it back before somebody gets here.

291. As a matter of fact, get down.

292. Hey!

293. - Hel-lo. That's a nice ride, huh, Dexter? - (honking)

294. I hate to bother you, but could you explain to me one more time

295. what's it like to be a young, hip, black guy?

296. Dr. Cox, what I'm gonna do is we gonna pimp this out.

297. We gonna throw some 22s on it, put some spinners on the 22s.

298. Ooh! And a DVD player so the kids could watch Elmo.

299. You're killing me, woman.

300. (Janitor) Sometimes around here,

301. it feels like humiliation is contagious.

302. Mr. Mcnair, I didn't exactly fix your computer.

303. I think I might have voided your warranty.

304. Elliot, I am not gonna tell you who messed up with Mrs. Best.

305. Oh! No problem. I just wanted to grab a cup of coffee.

306. Oh, and introduce you to my mom.

307. "Mom." that makes me sound so old.

308. I had c-sections with all my kids.

309. So everything is as it was down there.

310. Uh, very nice to meet you, Mrs. Reid.

311. You and Elliot would have such cute babies.

312. I keep telling her she's only got about 5 more years to pop one out.

313. - Have you ever seen chubby Elliot? - No.

314. Well, if you wanna see it,

315. just break up with her and wait a couple of weeks.

316. When she's depressed, she hits a bag of Doritos

317. like there's diamonds at the bottom.

318. - Hmm. Love you, too, mom. - (phone rings)

319. Oh! That's your dad. How did you get this number?

320. You like her?

321. 'Cause if you don't tell me which intern messed up,

322. I'm gonna beg her to move here.

323. She's just a little weird, Elliot.

324. I can handle weird.

325. I'm sorry. The light just hit you so perfectly,

326. I had to have a taste.

327. - No, not you. - It was Lisa.

328. I would have told you earlier, but someone told me not to.

329. Who told you not to?

330. Baby, you're not really bothered by what Dr. Cox said, are you?

331. - You know you're my black prince. - That's not it. I know I'm black.

332. I'm reminded all the time.

333. Patient doesn't want a black doctor.

334. People think I know the score to every NBA game.

335. And I told you what happened last week

336. when the new board member met the surgical staff.

337. Nice to meet you. Hey, what's up, dog?

338. Nice to meet you.

339. It's not even about that.

340. It's about the nursery.

341. It's about that stupid minivan.

342. I don't know if you notice,

343. but overnight I went from Chris Turk, stud, to grandpa Turk,

344. the guy who wears overalls and does embarrassing dances at cookouts.

345. You do that now.

346. But in a cool way.

347. Hey.

348. Thanks to your little "telling me the wrong time" prank,

349. I was 45 minutes late for my oriental massage,

350. which meant that instead of Paiwai,

351. I had to settle for Chingnow.

352. So?

353. Chingnow is a dude.

354. You know, I've accepted the fact that you're useless around here.

355. Maybe you can just try a little harder not to make things worse.

356. What he doesn't get is that I could have been a janitor anywhere.

357. When I got out of college, I had offers, man.

358. Morgan Stanley, DuPont.

359. I even considered taking a year off and cleaning my way across Europe.

360. But, no, I chose a hospital.

361. I'm not kidding myself.

362. I know I don't have the most important job in the world.

363. But I work in a place that helps people,

364. and I always thought that I was part of that.

365. Who cares?

366. - Have you seen Carla? - Nope. My turn.

367. Have you seen just how stupid you look

368. when you do your angry quick walk?

369. Carla covered for one of my interns and then lied to my face about it.

370. Come on. Of course she did.

371. If an intern got hammered by their attending

372. and stripped of what little self-confidence they have

373. every time they messed up, there wouldn't be any interns left.

374. And lucky for everybody in this dump,

375. Carla happens to have been here long enough

376. to be able to identify when someone needs to be protected.

377. These kids need to start standing on their own—

378. You got that right, sister,

379. because you definitely got where you are all on your own.

380. Well, you sure as hell didn't give me any help.

381. I didn't say I did.

382. It's ok, really. It's not a big deal.

383. - Dr. Cox is gonna kill me. - Dr. Cox doesn't have to find out.

384. Just promise me that you're gonna practice repositioning.

385. - I promise. - Ok.

386. Turk.

387. I get it.

388. Having a baby changes things.

389. I just don't wanna say good-bye to the life we have now.

390. Well, baby, you don't have to.

391. We'll still have fun. Go to bars. Go dancing.

392. - Really? - No.

393. We'll have a baby. That would be crazy.

394. Just focus on the positives.

395. For instance, we'll still have lots of sex.

396. - Really? - No.

397. But I can tell you...

398. that this is normal.

399. You'll get through it.

400. Come to think of it, what would really help me get through it is...

401. Man, you're gullible today.

402. Well, Mr. Mcnair, hope you didn't mind me...

403. hanging out all day talking to you.

404. I don't think you do mind.

405. I got a seventh sense about that sort of thing.

406. My sixth sense is I can tell when squirrels are afraid.

407. Anyway, I know you lost your computer,

408. and I thought maybe you're a little bit lonely.

409. I've been lonely around here a couple of times.

410. I don't know. I just hope I helped.

411. Nobody's buying it. Here we go.

412. Your new computer is finally here. Sorry it took so long.

413. - What time is it? - 6:00.

414. How was your day?

415. Cold.

416. (Janitor) Now help him up

417. so he thinks there's hope for our relationship yet.

418. (J.D.) Even though the janitor had basically kidnapped me...

419. when he helped me up, I couldn't help but feel

420. there was hope for our relationship yet.

421. I guess being locked up all day

422. makes you appreciate the things that really matter.

423. Hey, did I ever thank you

424. for all the help that you've given me over the years?

425. Don't sweat it.

426. (J.D.) The support of a friend...

427. the importance of family...

428. What up, dog?

429. Yeah, you know I'm down to play ball.

430. I just got to drop junior off with the old lady at the ducky park.

431. Yeah. Yeah, then we gonna hoop it up.

432. Hey, you know what?

433. This isn't really gonna work for me. I can't do it. I can't.

434. Or realize that what you actually do make a different.

435. And there you go, Mr. McNair.

436. Thank you.

437. Don't mention it.

438. I wasn't talking to you.