Scrubs 5x17

Directed by Will Mackenzie

Sam Lloyd as Ted Buckland • Robert Maschio as Todd • Aloma Wright as Laverne Roberts • Paul Hipp as Marc • Jeffrey Stubblefield as Frank

When J.D. rearranges his schedule to allow himself more time to spend with Turk, Turk secretly resents hanging out with J.D. in that time because it interferes with his own "Turk Time." Meanwhile, Dr. Cox and Jordan go on a double date with Elliot and Keith, and Carla covers for Kelso at work, as he grieves for his dead dog. Later, a patient almost dies, after giving up part of his liver for his brother, and the hospital staff learns about making sacrifices for the people they really care about.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. A month ago I shaved my head

2. to show solidarity with a leukemia patient.

3. Of course, there were ramifications.

4. Hello. I'm your doctor.

5. Oh, no. I know I've got the hair, but I'm not one of you people.

6. Hello. How are you? Well, I have been known to tambour.

7. After our tambourine jam, they gave me some literature,

8. but I'm not the type that's easily sucked in by that stuff.

9. - Good morning, Dr. Dorian. - Praise be to Krishna. Damn it.

10. Hey, Mr. Coleman. How you feeling?

11. Um, Mr. Coleman,

12. the hepatitis is doing a number on your liver.

13. You're obviously very jaundiced or—

14. Yellow. Oh. Mellow yellow. I get it. That's funny.

15. I never knew what that song was about.

16. Now I finally get it. Liver disease.

17. Anyway, we're gonna give you suppressive therapy

18. and do everything we can to make sure

19. you don't need a liver transplant. Ok?

20. Ok.

21. All right, we'll see you, Mr. Coleman.

22. Unfortunately, a month later...

23. Let's hear it.

24. Frank, we have no more options.

25. We got to get you a new liver.

26. So how's the boy-toy thing going?

27. I'm thinking of trading Perry in for a younger model.

28. Actually, we're getting kind of serious, so—

29. Excuse me. I need a moment of silence

30. so I can get into a meditative state

31. where I block out any and all irritating white noise.

32. I call it my happy place.

33. You know, it's kind of rude...

34. - I understand that you haven't— - Sweets, he can't hear you.

35. - Really? - Mm-mmm.

36. I was the one who puked on your Porsche

37. after Turk and Carla's wedding.

38. Oh, that has been eating at me for 2 years. Anyway.

39. Keith is great. The only problem is his last name.

40. It's, um, Dudemeister.

41. Oh, that doesn't even sound real.

42. Well, it's actually German. "Du-demeister."

43. It means master of dudes.

44. One of the reasons I divorced Perry was because of his last name.

45. - You don't like Cox? - Actually, I love Cox.

46. - Greatest conversation ever. - See, that's the problem.

47. This sausage is huge.

48. Excuse me, ladies. I'm needed elsewhere.

49. You know what?

50. The 4 of us should go out for a drink sometime.

51. Actually, we're free late.

52. - It's a couple date. - Done.

53. Something horrible just happened.

54. All right, buddy. Today's the day.

55. The amazing thing about livers

56. is that a person with a healthy one can actually have part of it removed

57. and give it to somebody else.

58. For frank, that person was his brother Mark.

59. Hey, someone order a liver?

60. Uh-oh.

61. Jell-o. Jell-o? Is this thing on? Jell-o?

62. That was good.

63. Mark was a stand-up comic on a cruise ship.

64. If I'm not careful, they'll put me in the pun-itentiary.

65. He was a genius.

66. Thanks for doing this for me, man.

67. Hey, what's mine is yours, little bro. You know that?

68. - I didn't get that one. - I didn't either.

69. Hey, Turk, if you ever donated a body part to me,

70. you know which one I'd want?

71. Thanks for the butt, playa.

72. You better have a reason for taking my man's badunka dunk dunk.

73. I do, Carla. I'm building something.

74. Dr. Turk? Todd needs you in the lab.

75. Tell Todd he can kiss my big black ass.

76. - Bet you wish you could say that. - I do.

77. Brrr. These gowns do not protect the fellas

78. - against a cool breeze, do they? - You'll get used to it.

79. Ok, we'll be back to check on you guys a little later, all right?

80. Ok. We'll be the guys that look like us.

81. Ah-ha! Where does he come up with this stuff?

82. He'll be a dynamite center square.

83. Dude, 4 more hours and I am off.

84. You mean we are off. I changed my schedule.

85. Which means I have Thursday nights off.

86. Which means we are going out. You're gonna be my wing man.

87. Even though you're horrible at it.

88. Please don't make me go out for drinks with Barbie and—

89. yes, I know it's way too easy— Ken.

90. But we haven't gone out with another couple in over a year.

91. Jordan, there's a reason for that.

92. Whoa, whoa. Whoa. Slow down there, big guy.

93. Why, Zeltzer? It's not like I'm driving.

94. I know. But there was a roofie in it.

95. I'm not sure if I'm ok with that.

96. 3, 2, 1.

97. Party time.

98. I think we should give them another chance.

99. Nurse Espinoza, I need your help with something.

100. My dog Baxter passed away last night.

101. I dealt with it emotionally, but unfortunately, I can't stop crying.

102. Anyway, I need you to run interference for me today,

103. keep people from seeing me looking vulnerable and so forth.

104. So you think I'll automatically do this?

105. You think my ego is so big that I'll be flattered

106. that I'm the only one you can open up to?

107. I'll do it.

108. Wish us luck, guys.

109. - Good luck, fellas. - All the best.

110. - I'm rooting for you. - Good luck.

111. And I will see you, my friend, later.

112. Wonderful.

113. What are you two gonna do, stay up late,

114. eat raw cookie dough,

115. and pinky swear that your diet will start tomorrow?

116. What is your problem?

117. Jordan's forcing me to double-date with the Dudemeisters.

118. 'Cause of J.D., I got to miss Turk night.

119. I only have 3 nights off during the week.

120. Two of those nights Carla has off, too,

121. so we got to do married stuff.

122. Fighting, arguing, and bickering, and the occasional quickie.

123. Exactly. But Thursday nights I got the apartment to myself.

124. So you know, I come home, I walk in the door,

125. I immediately get comfortable.

126. Then I take care of all my busywork—

127. case dictations, patient charts, everything.

128. Then I watch whatever's on ESPN.

129. Stay tuned for more Gilmore Girls.

130. Mothers and daughters, they speak so fast, but they speak so true.

131. Then I make some important work calls.

132. Did you see it?

133. I am so mad at Lorelai, I can't even talk right now.

134. That's Turk night.

135. God, you're boring.

136. - Hey, just need to talk to Kelso. - You can't come in.

137. - Why? - Um...

138. - I have no pants on. - He spilled coffee on them.

139. I wish I didn't have to see those pale legs.

140. Ask him if we can get a new label maker in the pharmacy.

141. The "p" is broken, and nobody knows what "enicillin" is.

142. Oh.

143. Sir, she just wants—

144. - Just tell her no. - But, sir, she just—

145. If it makes you feel better, you can pretend you're fighting for her.

146. Yell "hear me out, Bob."

147. - Hear me out, you old jackass! - No ad-libbing.

148. Now, send her packing.

149. - He said yes. - Coolio.

150. You think you're funny.

151. My job is to spend today saying no to people.

152. And now that you have let a yes spread out into the world,

153. you have opened the floodgates.

154. Can we have bibles in the patients' rooms?

155. No.

156. Can I get a better hands-free headset for my phone?

157. No.

158. Can I be allowed back in the men's locker room?

159. No.

160. - Can I get some new work boots? - No.

161. I guess the old ones still work. I do have more requests, though.

162. I need an anvil, some barbed wire, and a bow and arrow.

163. - No. - How about a sled dog?

164. - No. - Cowboy hat?

165. - No. - Javelin? Ferris wheel?

166. - Stun gun? Pelican? - No.

167. I'll be on the couch napping.

168. Sweetie, calm down.

169. If you're miserable, you can just talk to me.

170. I won't abandon you. All right?

171. - Oh, my God! I love your necklace! - I got it in the park!

172. Let's go now!

173. Hey, Dr. Cox, can you get me a beer? I forgot my I.D.

174. I can't believe people hang out at bowling alleys now.

175. It's great. You surround yourself with some new friends.

176. You say one clever thing, and you're in. Watch this.

177. You guys, let's tally it up. Gather around.

178. Oh! Carol! 180. Amazing.

179. Lisa, you had a 125.

180. - Turk, 192. - That's how we do.

181. And I bowled a gentleman's 40.

182. Now, who wants to help me off with my shoes?

183. I forgot to wear socks.

184. I'm losing them.

185. If you ladies remain in this area, we'll bring back drinks.

186. - Nice save. - Thank you.

187. Krishnas.

188. Relax. They'll never recognize you.

189. I hate it when Keith wears that shirt.

190. We get it. You like sports.

191. Sweetie, you have to dress your man.

192. For God sake, Perry walked out of the house

193. tonight in a hockey Jersey.

194. Dr. Cox, when you first—

195. - Hey, you. Make an effort. - Huh.

196. You may tell me who your favorite sports team is. Keep it short.

197. Detroit Red Wings.

198. Oh.

199. For the next 20 minutes, you will sit in silence

200. while I tell you why the Detroit Red Wings are the greatest franchise

201. in the history of professional sports.

202. On September 25, 1926...

203. Look at you, man. Your color's back.

204. - There's no sign of infection. - I feel... I feel great.

205. - You look great, man. I'm glad. - Thanks.

206. Unfortunately, things weren't going so well for Mark.

207. He's hypertensive and tachycardic.

208. Sometimes that's the way life works.

209. A person who does the nice things is the one who suffers most...

210. whether it's giving up Turk night for a friend...

211. - Christopher. - Yes.

212. Why haven't you finished your case reports?

213. Sorry, doctor. I was gonna do them last night,

214. but I wound up going out with my buddy, right?

215. - Just get them done. - Mm-hmm.

216. or going out with an intern to make your wife happy...

217. Oh, hey, Dr. Cox, we're going for coffee. You wanna come?

218. Get the hell away from me.

219. Why are you all smiling?

220. Keith said you'd be mean, but then you'd tell us sports stories.

221. Oh, my God.

222. Hi.

223. Or agreeing to be the bad guy for your boss.

224. - I'm still... - Oh, come on.

225. When you're the one who ends up paying the price,

226. it can really make you wonder...

227. He's bleeding. Prep the O.R.

228. Can I have the crash cart in here?

229. Was it worth it.

230. One of the ligation sutures came undone, but we got it in time.

231. He should be fine now.

232. Ok. Nurse Winston, call if there's any change.

233. - How awesome was last night? - Dude.

234. Hey, we're going out Thursday, right?

235. I went on-line and got a magic eight ball bowling ball.

236. Check it. "Are the ladies gonna love this?"

237. "Ask again later." I'm just kidding. It says "yes."

238. Thursday night might not work for me.

239. You're going. Where are the interns?

240. They're with Dr. Cox. Apparently, he's mentoring them

241. and talking to them and stuff.

242. What?

243. Ok, that's it.

244. This right here is the get-hit line. Cross it at your own risk.

245. When do you turn nice? This is getting kind of old.

246. Never, Leslie.

247. He knows my name.

248. I was just calling you by a random girl's name.

249. Listen, please. I don't care about any of your problems.

250. I have no answers for any of you.

251. But my boyfriend is bicurious and he wants me to pick his lovers.

252. I might have an answer for that. Eww.

253. Oh, come on, children.

254. What do you actually think is going to happen here?

255. Do you think I'm going to take you

256. and sit you down next to me...

257. and say, um...

258. "listen, uh, if you need anything...

259. you've got my pager.

260. Just know that I'm there for you always"?

261. Oh, my God.

262. - Newbie. - No. Zip it.

263. I am so g-darn pissed right now.

264. I was ok when you kept me at an arm's length

265. because everybody said, "that's just Cox.

266. That's how he operates." And I believed them.

267. But now I walk in on this...

268. this...

269. Biracial love fest.

270. You know what? I hate to do it.

271. But I'm giving you back the pencil.

272. That's right. The pencil you gave me on my third day of work.

273. You handed it off to me like a tiny yellow Baton,

274. like you were trying to say to me, "J.D., you are the new me.

275. You, J.D., are my mentee. You...

276. are my son."

277. What pencil?

278. Oh, that's perfect.

279. That's perfect. You know what? Take it.

280. Maybe you can use it with Rex or Gloria or...

281. That guy.

282. That guy's name is Leslie.

283. His name is Leslie.

284. His name is Leslie.

285. Your name is Leslie. All right. Good for you, Leslie.

286. Leslie!

287. So do you think everybody's still mad at me?

288. Oh, I'm—

289. Guys, come on.

290. I'm the only one giving the evil eye. We worked on this.

291. - Hey, Ted, you're giving sad eye. - It's all I've got.

292. I don't believe that. Now, come on.

293. Let's suck it up. Dig deep.

294. Concentrate and just...

295. And break.

296. Nice. Very nice, guys. Even you.

297. I just thought about flat boobies, and it made me mad.

298. What do I have to do to make it up to you?

299. Go, Ted.

300. We want tickets to the Latin Grammys.

301. - We figure you might know someone. - I don't.

302. - Oh, Carla, please. - Elliot, I don't.

303. How about she just buys rounds for everyone at the bar?

304. - Martinis? Cool. - See you guys.

305. - That was easy. - Yeah.

306. Latin Grammys or Nada.

307. A bunch of interns are looking for you.

308. I know. I'm in my streets because I'm sneaking out of here early,

309. all because of Jordan and her stupid couples night.

310. Perry, uh, speaking of couples nights,

311. I don't know if you and Jordan like camping,

312. but this weekend me and the wife and a pretty interesting guy named Ron

313. are heading out to the lake.

314. - Keep moving, Zeltzer. - A rain check.

315. So you got to leave early.

316. Thanks to Kelso, I got to take half the hospital staff out for drinks

317. - so they don't hate me. - Thanks to J.D.,

318. I'll be up forever doing these damn case reports.

319. Plus I lost the one night off a week I look forward to.

320. What about the 2 nights a week we spend together?

321. Now I am so mad at J.D.

322. That's it.

323. We got to let these people know what they're putting us through.

324. Let's do this.

325. Let's do it.

326. I like this particular outfit

327. because it's casual and the pant pockets are extra deep,

328. which is perfect for storing makeup.

329. He's like a giant purse.

330. This shirt is itchy.

331. Oh, oh. Shh, shh. Purses don't talk.

332. Jordan, you promised this would never happen.

333. How dare you.

334. - Could we talk? - One sec.

335. I just wanted to thank you for the other night.

336. Since Perry and I had Jack, we don't get to go out that much as a couple,

337. and it was really nice.

338. - Don't tell anyone I'm nice. No. - Mm-mmm.

339. Dr. Kelso, we need to talk.

340. Baxter was a good dog.

341. You never think you're gonna miss animals as much as you do.

342. It was just nice having some creature in my life

343. who never disappointed me, never judged me...

344. never showed up late at my 50th birthday party

345. with freshly pierced nipples

346. and a barely legal Filipino boy named Pogo.

347. - My son Harrison. - I figured.

348. Man's best friend, huh?

349. They got that one right.

350. At least you stopped crying.

351. No, not really.

352. My body just can't produce tears anymore

353. because I've intentionally dehydrated myself.

354. It's a risky move, I know,

355. but Dr. Jarvis here said it will be all right.

356. There's nobody standing behind you.

357. I'm going to need an I.V.

358. J.D., can I talk to you?

359. I can't right now. I'm gonna check on Frank.

360. So are you missing the other half of your liver?

361. Oh, I'm not.

362. But my gallbladder's pretty broken up about it.

363. Apparently, they had a thing.

364. You've got a gift, man. A gift.

365. Did your brother freak out when you told him you almost died?

366. I didn't tell Frank.

367. Look at him. So happy.

368. If he knew what I went through, he'd feel terrible.

369. Why would I wanna do that to him? I love him so much.

370. Hey, Turk, you wanna talk to me?

371. - You wanted to talk to me? - You wanted to talk to me?

372. Dr. Cox, can we talk about something besides sports this time?

373. You're ok.

374. Ok there, Keith.

375. You may choose between good scotch, ab workouts or Lee Marvin movies.

376. - And who over here needs a refill? - Yes, please.

377. - Thanks for the tini, Carla. - You got it, mama.

378. - Here you go, grumpy. - Latin Grammys.

379. Tell you the nominees. - Fabuloso.

380. - Category? - Reggaeton.

381. - I'm having a great time, man. - Me, too. Me, too.

382. Cheers.