Scrubs 5x16

Directed by Michael Spiller

Robert Maschio as Todd • Aloma Wright as Laverne Roberts • Sabin Rich as Stanley • Charles Butler as Father Rosenberg • Rebecca Metz as Volunteer Woman

Turk finds out, that Carla is pregnant, before she does, so J.D. convinces Turk to tell the entire hospital staff to surprise Carla with the news. But Carla wants to personally share her baby news with everybody, so Turk and J.D. have to quickly contain the hospital gossip. Meanwhile, when Elliot puts Dr. Cox into an embarrassing situation, he decides to get even with Elliot through Keith and Carla.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. What is that?

2. This here is an electronic hide-and-seek game.

3. The other person wears a sensor,

4. and the closer you get, the more it beeps.

5. Huh. Funsies.

6. So Mrs. Factor here has an aortitis,

7. and, Turk, this'll need a surgical consult.

8. Fire away.

9. - See her red highlights? - Yes.

10. Could I pull those off, or am I so kidding myself?

11. I really don't have time for this.

12. Turk, you're playing hide-and-seek.

13. With my 9-year-old glioblastoma patient, Eric.

14. He's been in the hospital for a month.

15. I think he deserves a little fun, don't you?

16. Sorry, Turk. Sorry.

17. Ah hee hee hoo!

18. How bad would she look with red highlights?

19. I know. It is now my turn to hide.

20. I'll count. Close a brother up.

21. So I like to remember all the carpal bones in the hand

22. with a simple pneumonic device.

23. Scaphoid, lunate, triquetral, pisiform,

24. trapezium, trapezoid, capitate and hamate.

25. Some lovers try positions

26. - that they can't handle. - Hey.

27. That was not directed at you, doctor.

28. But you should stretch first next time we try the whirlybird.

29. Excuse me.

30. Does anyone here happen to have a plate of jeebees?

31. Because these two just gave me a big ol' scoop of the heebees.

32. Seriously, it cannot just be me.

33. I wanna hear from the audience. I do.

34. Dating in the workplace.

35. She's the boss. He's the pretty intern.

36. Tell me what's bugging you. Courage.

37. Well, sometimes they arrive in the morning and they smell like sex.

38. Gloria, telling it like it smells.

39. - I'm proud of you. - Barbie, who hurt you?

40. - Is there something you want? - Actually, yes.

41. It is one of those rare days where you can be of use to me.

42. You speak German. I have a patient from Berlin,

43. and I need to tell the gentleman that he has fluid in his lungs.

44. Your wife has nice cans.

45. Nice cans.

46. How are you?

47. Relax, dude. Just playing a little electronic hide-and-seek.

48. Hey, baby.

49. Yeah, I know my shift's over, b—

50. No, I'm not fooling around with J.D. I'm—

51. Ok, cool. I'm on my way home.

52. All right, I just took the pregnancy test.

53. Just tell me when a minute's up.

54. I just put some pizza rolls in the microwave oven.

55. The minute that bad boy dings, we're good to go.

56. Oh, my God. I can't stand it. 30 more seconds.

57. Ok, honey, don't get too excited.

58. They have to cool off for at least a minute. That cheese is like lava.

59. Is there a bigger idiot than you in the entire world?

60. I'm seeking you, Turk.

61. It's negative.

62. Look at me.

63. Hey. Look at me.

64. It's gonna happen.

65. Eat your pizza rolls.

66. I got to get to work.

67. By the way,

68. next time buy a name-brand pregnancy test, not that cheap generic one.

69. If you raise my allowance,

70. I wouldn't have to bargain shop so I could buy pizza rolls.

71. Secondly, this pregnancy test works just as well

72. as the name-brand one.

73. Wait a second.

74. "Results in 3 minutes."

75. Some things deserve to be tossed out on their asses.

76. But the thing you shouldn't toss out is a pregnancy test

77. that takes 2 minutes longer than you thought.

78. Oh, my God. We're pregnant.

79. Aah-ha! Aah! Aah!

80. Mr. Roberts and I just love our pool.

81. In high school, I was actually all-state swimmer.

82. Breaststroke five.

83. Maybe later.

84. Every workplace has that guy

85. who has to top everyone else's story.

86. When I was 19, I was a world-class 110-meter hurdler.

87. I still remember the nationals like they were yesterday.

88. Runners, take your position.

89. On your mark...

90. set...

91. Great.

92. They offered me a full ride to Grambling,

93. but then I slept with the President's daughter.

94. Not the college President. The President of the United States.

95. But hey, if Amy Carter asks you up for a nightcap, you do not say no.

96. No. No more.

97. Here are some of the lies you've told us over the last 5 years.

98. You went to Harvard.

99. You have a wife who only has a pointer and thumb pinky.

100. You have a brother, dad, a mother, sister.

101. You have 2 kids. No, wait. You have 1 kid.

102. No, you had a baby with a Chinese local. You're a deaf mute.

103. Oh, wait. Now you're telling us that you're a world-class hurdler

104. and you slept with the beautiful and irreplaceable Amy Carter?

105. I didn't sleep with Amy Carter.

106. We did everything but.

107. And I really was a world-class hurdler.

108. - We're not buying it, are we, gang? - No.

109. The people have spoken.

110. Allow me to bask in the glow.

111. Oh, J.D., guess what.

112. - Not now, Turk. I'm glow-basking. - Dude, listen to me.

113. Yee-ha!

114. - Where is Carla? - She just went downstairs.

115. What is all the excitement?

116. You tell him. Ok, you tell him.

117. We're having a baby.

118. The red states be damned. I'm sure you're gonna make great fathers.

119. - What's going on? - My turn. Carla prego.

120. Oh, my God. Turk.

121. Carla must be so happy.

122. I haven't told her yet. I'm gonna go tell her now.

123. Wait, Turk. When has a man ever been able to tell his wife

124. that she's pregnant?

125. Allow me to paint you a picture with my imagination brush. Ok?

126. You two come out in the parking lot

127. where all Carla's friends have gathered.

128. They're holding a giant banner

129. that says, "Carla, you're pregnant, and I dove you."

130. Did I say "dove"? I did, Turk.

131. That's when I cue the bird wrangler

132. who releases 500 white doves into the air.

133. Where do they land? I don't know.

134. But one thing Carla knows—

135. that in her uterus is a little, soft baby, Turk.

136. Are you forgetting what happened

137. when you made me have doves at my parents' anniversary party?

138. This won't be indoors, Turk,

139. and there certainly won't be all those people throwing birdseed.

140. Why were people throwing seed? It's a...

141. The point is that you, my friend,

142. have a chance to be on the greatest surprise

143. a husband has ever pulled for his wife...

144. and you'll get credit for it the length of your entire marriage.

145. I'm in.

146. Great. I'll tell everybody. You find Carla.

147. - Dr. Cox— - Halt. I will be doing nothing.

148. Well, you at least won't tell Carla, right?

149. Ever since I was blitzkrieged this morning

150. by an enraged German named Otto,

151. a certain Dr. Barbie no longer exists for me.

152. So if she were to ask me a question,

153. I wouldn't be able to hear it and you'd have to repeat it.

154. Can you just please not tell Carla?

155. Fine.

156. And, Elliot, if you see Carla, don't get emotional.

157. No problem.

158. Really? Baby.

159. Oh, my God, Turk. Carla is gonna be so happy.

160. The family wants me to do a hip surgery. What are they thinking?

161. The guy's 92.

162. He's their grandfather. It's not like he's a dog

163. and they can go to a kennel and pick out another one.

164. We just got a lot of great new grandfathers in.

165. Ok. Ooh, look at this one. He's so cute.

166. Hey. Get out of my yard.

167. He's not good with people.

168. He's great, but we really don't wanna separate them.

169. I already have a grandma.

170. If I get one this little, everybody's gonna think I'm gay.

171. Oh, look at this fellow.

172. Come here, boy.

173. I got a little hard candy for you.

174. Come here. Yes. Good boy.

175. Who's a good boy?

176. You got a candy you can unwrap in a movie theater.

177. I'd name him Sebastian.

178. Hey, what's up with the janitor?

179. He seems a little more lurky than usual.

180. I pissed him off earlier today. How am I supposed to avoid him?

181. You should put the hide-and-seek sensor on him.

182. That way you'll always know where he is.

183. It would take a very clever plan

184. to hide this tiny penny-like sensor on him.

185. 5 bucks if you eat this penny.

186. Done. And done.

187. We pulled it off. See if it works.

188. My friend, we have just lo-jacked the janitor.

189. Hello.

190. Dr. Cox, I've got a patient with osteomyelitis

191. who needs a bone biopsy. Who do you use?

192. You put me in an awkward spot

193. because I'm a healer and I want to help,

194. but speaking to you would acknowledge your existence

195. and you don't exist.

196. So I'm going to address the stapler.

197. Hi, stapler. The red is killer.

198. By the way, there's a certain Dr. Brownsfield

199. who is just the most wonderful bone guy.

200. What? What's that, stapler?

201. Oh, no. She's an actual doctor.

202. Neither of you are very funny.

203. - Elliot, here are your lab results. - Oh, my God. Carla.

204. - Elliot, honey, what's wrong? - Yeah, Elliot, honey. What's wrong?

205. Nothing. I'm just very emotional because, um,

206. Keith dumped me.

207. I have to go.

208. Another one.

209. Shoot.

210. Keith, I, uh, have been watching you and you've got some potential.

211. You do. But can I give you one piece of advice?

212. - Please. - It is all about confidence.

213. Hell, be a cocky bastard.

214. Throw 'em a wink every once in a while.

215. Show me a wink. Show me the wink. Give me the wink.

216. That's the guy.

217. That's the guy who broke our friend's heart.

218. Well, hey, he's probably hurting, too.

219. - Hey, baby. - Oh, no, he did not just wink at me.

220. For the next 5 minutes, I am not a nurse.

221. Carla, there is a better way.

222. I don't like it,

223. but Jordan tells her friends intimate details about me—

224. our sex lives, parenting deficiencies.

225. The point is, I'm sure Elliot has told you things about Keith.

226. So instead of yelling at him, why not calmly let him know

227. that you know things that he thinks no one knows.

228. Oh, Keith. Mind taking a walk with me?

229. Yeah.

230. - Is Carla gone? - Yeah. She sure is.

231. - Oh, my God. - Say, Barbie? We're even.

232. Oh, no.

233. All right, everybody, before Carla arrives,

234. I wanna thank you all for turning out.

235. Especially you, father Rosenberg.

236. Incidentally, when all this is over,

237. I'd love to get the back story on that name of yours, ok?

238. Excuse me.

239. Ok, coming through.

240. Now, apparently, they don't have fetus balloons. Who knew?

241. So, what I've done is I've attached string

242. to the belly buttons of these baby balloons

243. to signify the umbilical cord.

244. Make sure everybody gets one.

245. Keith, you seemed to have missed the point here.

246. We're not really broken up.

247. I just can't believe you told Carla

248. that I made out with my sister in the 6th grade.

249. I don't understand why you're so embarrassed about that.

250. I've met Denise. She's gorgeous.

251. We're just gonna have to face the fact

252. that you might not get pregnant for a very, very, very long time.

253. I know it's gonna happen, Turk.

254. And you know what I'm looking forward to the most?

255. - What's that? - When we can go around

256. to our friends and I can tell them one by one, "I'm pregnant."

257. I can't wait to see the look of surprise on each one of their faces.

258. I think about it every day.

259. Anybody tries to take those moments away from me,

260. I'll kill 'em.

261. Me, too.

262. Just need to send a quick text.

263. Oh, no. We got a glitch.

264. Abort the plan. Abort the surprise!

265. Abort the babies!

266. Everybody run!

267. Sorry about the whole "abort the babies" thing.

268. Actually, I'm pro-choice.

269. Knowing someone's pregnant

270. when they don't know it themselves can get a bit complicated.

271. Let me take that from you.

272. Um, you left the fridge open.

273. - Oh! - Ah, I spilled it.

274. - I'll get another one. - Sorry.

275. What are you doing?

276. I may have gotten overexcited

277. and told one or two of her family members that she's pregnant.

278. You have 59 messages.

279. Turk, the answering machine's broken.

280. And I don't think we have any more wine.

281. Turk, can I have some of yours?

282. I feel Turk was starting to blame me for all of this.

283. I spilled mine, too, honey. You know what you should do?

284. Ask for some of J.D.'s.

285. Spilled mine, too.

286. I'm going to bed.

287. What are you gonna do?

288. I'm gonna tell her the truth

289. and hope she's so tired from being pregnant

290. that she doesn't have the strength

291. to kick my ass for more than a few hours.

292. Wait, Turk. I have an idea.

293. You have another idea, huh? Well, I got to tell you.

294. I'm done with your ideas. And not just now, but forever.

295. - Ok? Are we clear on that? - It's a good'UN.

296. I'm listening.

297. Ok, we need Carla to find out if she's pregnant on her own.

298. And we need your help. Can we count on you?

299. - Absolutely not. - No way in hell.

300. Who's pregnant?

301. We go down, we're taking you with us.

302. - What? - Why?

303. Would somebody please tell me who's pregnant?

304. - Carla. - Another kid?

305. My God. How many does that make?

306. This is her first one.

307. If you say so, son.

308. - You can't blackmail us. - Really?

309. Because I think you're both very close to Carla, aren't you?

310. And yet you chose not to tell her she was pregnant.

311. Turk, how would that go down for 'em?

312. Unpleasantly.

313. Unpleasantly.

314. Ha. He got you two by the short ones.

315. Dr. Kelso, it's true you didn't know anything,

316. but I'm willing to bet that these guys would swear

317. on their life that you did.

318. - On my life. - Definitely.

319. Well played, Turkelton.

320. - Thank you. - Ok. Listen up.

321. Everyone in the hospital knows Carla's pregnant,

322. but they don't know she doesn't know.

323. We need her to find out on her own before anyone congratulates her.

324. Ok? Here's the plan.

325. The three of us are gonna run interference.

326. Dr. Cox, Dr. Kelso,

327. I need you to get her to take another pregnancy test.

328. This plan is foolproof.

329. That's impossible. You two are involved.

330. Yeah, we'll see about that.

331. - You go left. - Ok. That was right.

332. Actually, I need to come with you.

333. Where's Carla?

334. Uh, she went up to the roof to get some air.

335. Oh.

336. - Follow her. Lock her up there. - You got it.

337. Hello, janitor, hiding around the corner,

338. waiting to grab me.

339. How did you know that was me?

340. I'm holding a GPS warning device

341. that goes off whenever you come within a hundred meters of me.

342. It's responding to a tiny sensor in your stomach.

343. I knew that wasn't a penny.

344. - You'll never get anywhere near me. - We'll see.

345. - Yeah, we will see. - Oh, we're gonna see.

346. - The only thing left to do is see. - You're gonna pay.

347. - We'll see. - No time.

348. Ok, bye.

349. Dr. Cox, Dr. Kelso, look who I've got.

350. Hey. Carla.

351. You're glowing.

352. Really?

353. Nurse Espinoza, have your breasts gotten bigger?

354. Whoa. Dr. Kelso, that is inappropriate.

355. Baby, that sounds like a compliment to me.

356. Maybe you're just a little hormonal.

357. Well done, Bob.

358. A little direct, but I definitely think

359. we put the idea of pregnancy in her head.

360. Oh, is that what we were doing? I was just making conversation.

361. - I have been a little moody. - Yes, you have been.

362. Plus, this morning I was nauseous,

363. but I thought it was the pizza rolls I had for breakfast.

364. Yes, I like them. We can get them from now on.

365. Still, Turk, do you think that I should go home

366. and take another pregnancy test?

367. It's your call, baby.

368. Hey! Somebody get me down from here!

369. What's she yelling about?

370. I don't know. I'll have someone from the psych ward check her out.

371. Hey, Dr. Dorian, I got those batteries you asked for.

372. I was a little anxious,

373. because it was time to change Mr. Beeper's batteries.

374. All clear to the left. All clear to the right.

375. You can do this.

376. He's a hundred meters away,

377. and it's gonna take him at least 10 seconds to change those batteries.

378. That's not even a world-record pace.

379. Ready, set,

380. go.

381. Time.

382. Still got it.

383. As I lay there

384. watching nurse Roberts hammer-throw 23 pounds of high-end fruit my way,

385. I could take solace in one thing.

386. We're having a baby.

387. Ha ha! Ha ha!

388. Any second now,

389. Carla and Turk were coming to tell me they were pregnant,

390. and Carla had to believe that I was truly surprised.

391. I was the linchpin of our plan.

392. Hey, J.D.

393. - Show time. - We have such big news.

394. What's the scoop? I would have no clue what it could be.

395. We're having a baby.

396. Now give them the 10-minute emotional roller-coaster ride

397. that is the speech you've been practicing all afternoon.

398. Carla, when Turk first told me, I—

399. What do you mean when Turk first told you?

400. Oh, boy.

401. Uh, we've known for a day.

402. That pregnancy test you took yesterday was positive.

403. I wanted to have everybody at the hospital gather outside

404. to surprise you with balloons and stuff.

405. What would you have thought of doves?

406. J.D., not now.

407. I just wanted to do something really memorable.

408. I messed that up.

409. - So everybody already knows? - Mm-hmm.

410. Then I witnessed one of those moments

411. that let me know in my heart

412. that these two would be together forever.

413. Who cares?

414. We're having a baby.

415. - We're having a baby. - Yeah, we are.

416. - A baby. - Yeah.

417. - A little you. - With a lot of you.

418. It's ok.

419. I already know.

420. I'm pregnant.