Scrubs 5x15

Directed by Ken Whittingham

Robert Maschio as Todd • Maria Menounos as Tamara • Juanita Jennings as Dr. Munson • Traber Burns as Mr. Russell • James Curreri as Larry

J.D. urges Cox and his fellow doctors to do special, unconventional things for their patients, but J.D. himself is not sure he can shave his head for a woman undergoing chemotherapy, after meeting a woman who loves his hair. Meanwhile,Turk and Carla attempt to eliminate all the stress in their lives, to better their chances of conceiving. Also, Elliot can't stop giving her new boyfriend Keith stupid gifts.

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1. Now that Elliot and Keith were serious,

2. she started buying him gifts.

3. Ooh. It's a mouth harp. Oh, awesome.

4. Keith was shockingly good at pretending to like crappy presents.

5. But you know what he was best at?

6. Keith, we need more popcorn. Yeah.

7. Being girl bait.

8. Here's how it goes down.

9. Keith comes back, Elliot marks her territory

10. so the girls know he's taken,

11. and I just pick off one of the smaller,

12. weaker ones that comes by for a looksy.

13. I'm a doctor. I'm a landowner.

14. Burt Reynolds is my father.

15. I love sports.

16. Keith, more popcorn.

17. See, that's how it works.

18. - You have the cutest hair. - These old rags?

19. Ok, ok. So you're both fertile, yet you're still unable to conceive.

20. So how often do you make love?

21. Twice today.

22. Actually, it was 3 times.

23. You were asleep for the last one.

24. - That really happened. - Mm-hmm.

25. I thought it was weird that you were in one of my sex dreams.

26. He is not allowed to dream about me. It gets too freaky in there.

27. Cirque du soleil freaky.

28. - One time she was skinless. - Ok,

29. stress is often a factor in conception.

30. So tell me. Do you think stress might be an issue?

31. I swear, you don't knock me up tonight,

32. there's no more sex until you steal me a baby.

33. So do it right this time.

34. There's a little stress.

35. Ok, the antibiotics have brought your fever down.

36. Is there anything else I can do for you?

37. Yeah. I'm auditioning for my church's senior citizen production

38. of streetcar named desire.

39. Would you mind running lines with me?

40. I'd be happy to.

41. If I didn't know you was my wife, sister,

42. I'd get ideas about you.

43. I can't believe you think I'd do this with you.

44. Are you insane?

45. Seriously, I'm a doctor.

46. What page are you on?

47. Ohh!

48. Why didn't you just read lines with the old guy?

49. My job is to make sick people better,

50. not to help Bernie in there score

51. a slice of episcopalian tail on opening night.

52. Sometimes you got to go the extra mile with old patients.

53. That's what makes me such a special doctor.

54. That and your amazing ability

55. to switch back and forth seamlessly between male and female genitalia.

56. Ooh.

57. Newbie, snap out of it. Enough time for your daydreaming.

58. Personally, me,

59. I believe medicine is about more than treating the disease.

60. You got to be there for people.

61. Take Mrs. Cohen, right? When she broke her hip, I treated that.

62. But she had also left her car double parked.

63. So being an "extra mile" kind of guy, I went and took care of it.

64. Sorry.

65. It's been a little while since I drove a stick.

66. I wonder how she got out of that truck.

67. That's how she broke her hip.

68. Look, all I'm saying is,

69. it's important to go the extra mile with patients.

70. It's like I was telling this girl last night.

71. Why would you tell her that?

72. I didn't. I just wanna show you who I'm going out with tonight.

73. Newbie, there's a reason

74. that I can't go the extra mile with patients.

75. It's something personal.

76. You can confide in me.

77. I'm a good doctor.

78. Kelly Ripa.

79. It didn't bother me

80. that Dr. Cox had just "Kelly Ripa'd" me

81. because I knew it would never catch on

82. no matter how much he wanted it to.

83. This, however, did upset me.

84. Uh, Carol, we got the bone marrow biopsy back,

85. and, uh...

86. I'm afraid you have leukemia.

87. What?

88. Yes. But the good news is, it's very treatable.

89. We just have to get started right away.

90. In 41/2 years, I've watched your pal Stephanie

91. go through a multitude of irritating fads—

92. the ugg boots, the campaign for better grammar among the staff,

93. and, of course, the double European air kiss.

94. And seeing as you two are sorority sisters,

95. I was kind of hoping you'd be able to tell me

96. when this "extra mile" crap is likely to end.

97. It's never gonna end. He's relentless.

98. Why do you think I was out Sunday morning

99. buying comics for my patient?

100. They're giving away free tasty cakes at the comic book store?

101. Ah-ha!

102. That used to work better when you were a fat load.

103. - I know. - Damn it.

104. All right, Jake, here it is.

105. The latest Vengeance. I had to travel to 5 stores to find that.

106. This is last month's.

107. Look, I'll track down a new one for you later.

108. But right now I got to make sure I have a job next year. Ok?

109. Since there were only 3 attending spots

110. for 10 surgical residents,

111. Dr. Kelso could basically treat them like his own personal valets.

112. Oh!

113. All-day sucker my ass. Try 20 minutes.

114. Sir, quick question.

115. Make it very quick. I'm about to vomit.

116. Why was I told to drop everything

117. and look after some new patient coming in?

118. Mr. Sommers is the cousin of one of the trustees.

119. Not important enough to warrant any face time with me,

120. but connected enough that if one of these ding-dongs kills him,

121. it'll be my ass.

122. Carla, can you cover my patients?

123. She's already watching someone for me.

124. All right. I'll find somebody else.

125. Why? Because I'm just a nurse, I can't look after everybody?

126. - Precisely. - J.D., why don't you tell me

127. what's wrong with your patient, Mrs. Jones.

128. Without looking at her chart.

129. Carla knew that without charts,

130. doctors didn't know much about their patients.

131. Mr. Barry, I misplaced your chart.

132. I forgot. What's wrong with you again?

133. Oh, that's right.

134. You have a kitty cat stuck in your mouth.

135. Or should I say you have a person stuck around you, little guy.

136. Ga-chek ga-chek.

137. It's not like nurses know everything.

138. Uh-oh. Carla's gearing up to explode.

139. Save yourself. Attempt the casual side switch.

140. And you're there. Now, angry at Kelso.

141. - Bob, how dare you. - Exactly.

142. You're worried about what I can handle?

143. Vascular surgery wants an update every 2 hours on bed 1.

144. I'm weaning Mrs. Jones' dopamine from 10 mgs to 5.

145. Mrs. Myerson's abdominal wound is dehissing.

146. And Mr. Wilder's about to be turfed to psych

147. because he thinks he's Flo from Alice.

148. - Kiss my grits. - Exactly, Flo. Exactly.

149. I hope you've learned something today.

150. Get a load of Mr. Extra-mile guy's leukemia patient,

151. sitting in there all by herself.

152. Knowing him, he's probably out getting her a cake

153. shaped like a cancerous white blood cell.

154. All right, team, let's stay close. Come on.

155. Carol! Look who I found.

156. Larry? Dad? How—

157. Well, right after I got your test results back,

158. I got on the horn with your dad and we started a phone tree

159. to find everyone.

160. There were some tears, mostly mine, but we got it done.

161. You are the most amazing doctor.

162. Hear that, Perry?

163. I'm the most amazing doctor because I went the extra 5,280 feet.

164. What's that? That's right. It's a mile.

165. And how does that make me feel? Keith?

166. Thank you.

167. Attention, surgical residents still hoping to have a job next year.

168. The annual blood drive is upon us,

169. and I will be needing a volunteer

170. to greet our donors as the hospital's new mascot,

171. the friendly hypodermic needle, Mr. Prick.

172. We'll probably change the name.

173. I'm so sick of this.

174. If the jobs were given to whoever's the best surgeon,

175. I would get all 3 of those damn spots.

176. It's the same on the medical side. I swear.

177. The only reason I got that oncology rotation

178. is 'cause I let Dr. Morgan take me

179. as his date to his brother's wedding.

180. - Ricky Morgan? - Mm-hmm.

181. - He works in the cafeteria. - What?

182. - What? - Listen,

183. kissing ass is just the way it's done around here,

184. and there is nothing you can do about it.

185. We have to all band together

186. and agree not to be exploited by Dr. Kelso.

187. From now on, we'll only be judged by our skill and abilities.

188. Who's with me? That's right. That's right.

189. From here on out, no more getting him coffee,

190. no more washing his car,

191. no more taking his son to the local steam baths to meet men.

192. Hey, you guys got him coffee.

193. Together on 3. 1, 2, 3.

194. - Together! - Let's go.

195. What are you doing?

196. Chief of Medicine said to pay special attention to you,

197. and I like to take a couple of seconds to get to know my patients.

198. So first question, are you allergic to any—

199. Psst.

200. - What? - I need some advice.

201. Which do you prefer?

202. - What's the occasion? - Me wiping up gunk.

203. I was cleaning Kelso's tie rack, and I assumed I could have it.

204. I find the Armani is very effective on urine.

205. - Or is the Yves Saint Laurent— - No. No.

206. Wha— where'd he go?

207. Carol's family had welcomed me as one of their own,

208. no more so than her brother Larry.

209. Eagle!

210. - I told you not to call me Lawrence. - And I told you I never get dizzy.

211. Ok, let me tell you guys why we are here.

212. Carol is starting a journey.

213. Obviously, the chemo's gonna be tough.

214. But we're all here for you.

215. Anything you go through, we go through together.

216. So you've all banded together.

217. I honestly never thought I'd see the day

218. when we would pick the 3 surgeons

219. who would care for the people of this great hospital

220. based solely on merit.

221. I hope you're proud of yourselves.

222. This is a preliminary ranking of your technical skills.

223. So whenever you get a chance...

224. Life in a hospital is constantly humbling,

225. whether it's making you realize

226. you're not as skilled as you thought...

227. 4th? I'm 4th?

228. or as on the ball as you thought.

229. How's Mr. Sommers doing?

230. Actually, sir—

231. he's perfectly fine, sir. He's in tip-top shape.

232. Good.

233. Ow! What are you wearing, a cup?

234. Well, people try to hit me there more than you think.

235. Ow.

236. The key is to be ready for it.

237. I was not ready for this.

238. Since Carol was gonna lose all her hair in chemo,

239. we decided we'd all shave our heads now.

240. He even agreed to do the cutting.

241. You're up next there, big guy.

242. I mean, come on. You're all in this together, right?

243. I can't believe you all shaved your heads.

244. How great. Even Nana.

245. And you don't look creepy or alien-like at all.

246. Are you ready to run the extra mile?

247. You can't let 'em know that you don't wanna do this.

248. Meet his gaze. Meet it twice as hard.

249. Dr. Dorian, we need you.

250. Mr. Bentley's condition is getting worse.

251. God bless his herpes.

252. I'm gonna go take care of that man, and when I come back...

253. Pause for effect. Pause for effect.

254. We're gonna shave this thing.

255. - Yeah! - Yeah! Oh, yeah!

256. How could I be 4th?

257. I know Bonnie's good and Figzack has mad hands,

258. but somehow I keep forgetting that Todd is a skilled surgeon.

259. Hey, how come you didn't page me about that surgical consult?

260. I did. You're wearing your garage door opener on your hip.

261. Ladies and gentlemen, number 2.

262. Ok.

263. Kelso's gonna kill me. I can't find Mr. Sommers.

264. Did you look between Mr. Spring and Mr. Fall? Too easy.

265. Hey, you know what— More armor?

266. No. Actually, I am...

267. Sneaking trays out of the cafeteria. I'm building a shed.

268. This is partially your fault, so you're gonna help me find him.

269. You know, whenever I lose something in the morgue,

270. I just retrace my steps.

271. Light right now, I'm looking for something.

272. And I know I came to the vending machine...

273. and then I dropped a quarter which rolled over here.

274. And yep. There you are.

275. As soon as you take your eyes off of 'em, you'll lose 'em.

276. They're like children.

277. Big, dead children.

278. Oh, my God. I treated that girl at the free clinic.

279. She was born without nipples.

280. I knew there had to be something wrong with her. She's too perfect.

281. I was kidding, J.D., I have never seen her in my life.

282. Kelly Ripa.

283. - I told you it would catch on. - I don't think it's funny.

284. How's that leukemia patient of yours doing?

285. I'm hiding. I really don't wanna be bald.

286. I have a sneaking suspicion it won't work for me.

287. I think it might accentuate my spoon chest.

288. - Yeah. - Plus, the girl I'm dating

289. is totally into my hair.

290. She's got to be interested in more than just your hair.

291. If it weren't for your hair,

292. I don't think I'd be remotely interested in you.

293. I'm sure there's something else she's into.

294. No. There's nothing else.

295. There is, even if she won't admit it.

296. You know what? I'm stuck, man. I have to shave this down.

297. No, you don't. You don't have to go the extra mile.

298. That's what I've been trying to tell you.

299. What the hell happened to the days when you used to listen to me?

300. That was a long time ago. Maybe you should listen to me for once.

301. Not in this lifetime.

302. Listen, Dobie...

303. you're not a completely terribly, horrible, incompetent doctor.

304. And while I would never let any of my blood relatives be your patient,

305. if it was someone that I knew— an acquaintance...

306. I might be ok with you treating them.

307. Thank you.

308. The only thing you owe Carol is to treat her the best you can.

309. Hey. Where you been?

310. Oh, Larry, man,

311. I don't think I can shave my head.

312. What about Carol?

313. She'll be ok. She has all you guys.

314. - You look over there. - Mm-hmm.

315. Excuse me. Nurse?

316. Hi. How about a poke?

317. I have a husband, ok?

318. - And he's big, and he's black, and— - Baby. Baby. It's me.

319. But I do love that you go to that "big and black" stuff.

320. I can't wait to bear the fruit of your loins.

321. Wait. Wait.

322. This is the only way I could suck up to Kelso

323. without the other surgeons knowing about it.

324. There you are.

325. - You're not Mr. Sommers. - No, I'm not.

326. No, I'm not.

327. What's up...

328. With y'all?

329. Aah!

330. Dr. Turk, what happened to you?

331. I found the latest issue of Vengeance

332. at a comic book store a mile and a half away.

333. Here you go.

334. Actually, I ran there in a foam needle suit, but you don't care.

335. Thanks, Dr. Turk.

336. Christopher, I heard you were sweating the rankings.

337. No. I'm married and trying to have a baby.

338. Not having a job would be a big boost for me.

339. You're a good surgeon.

340. Plus, your bedside manner is really important.

341. There's no one on that list

342. who spends more time with their patients as you do.

343. Are you saying I have a job?

344. If you are trying to "Kelly Ripa" me right now...

345. I would freak out.

346. Oh!

347. I got a job.

348. Well, the good news is, his head isn't in the storage room.

349. 'Cause I once found a head in the storage room.

350. It's a funny story, actually. I put it in my locker

351. 'cause I didn't have time to get to lost-and-found.

352. Went on a long weekend, forgot all about it.

353. Come back to work on Monday, open my locker... whoa! Head plus rats.

354. I panicked. I didn't know what the hell to do.

355. So I grabbed the thing, and I ran up to the roof and I punted...

356. and I shanked it wide left like I always do.

357. Now it's heading straight down right for Kelso

358. sitting in his convertible.

359. I'm done. I'm out of a job. Right? Wrong.

360. At that second, a hawk flies in,

361. grabs the thing and flies off with it.

362. I know what you're thinking.

363. We're in the middle of a city. What's a hawk doing there?

364. I can't believe you get a locker and I don't.

365. Dr. Reid, I need to meet you in radiology

366. to go over some test results.

367. Yeah, it's over, Ricky.

368. I know you're stealing trays. Stop it.

369. Buzz off.

370. Carla, the orderly lost my chart for Mr. Tyler in 406.

371. Would we have his dosages in here somewhere?

372. You were gonna put him on penicillin, but he was allergic,

373. so you put him on a gram of vancomycin.

374. Thank you.

375. You should put some of that crazy nurse memory to use

376. on our missing dude.

377. Well, he was an older guy.

378. And he was on an I.V., so he couldn't have gotten very far.

379. He was jittery,

380. and he had this weird circle tan line on his arm.

381. It was the nicotine patch.

382. He was trying to quit smoking.

383. Should I not be out here?

384. Larry has Mr. Spot on his lung.

385. Don't you worry. We'll pop that lung out of there

386. and get it off to the dry cleaners

387. and have it back to you a little after 5:00.

388. We like to have fun.

389. You know, I made up that whole hawk story.

390. Yeah. I know you're not as weird as you want people to think you are.

391. Ooh.

392. Whoa! Nana, how you doing?

393. Looking hot in the track suit. Gym's on the second floor.

394. Date time.

395. Dude, there you are.

396. 2 things. First, the aliens are here and they're wearing track suits.

397. - Oh, no, that's Nana. - Oh. Second, I got a job.

398. And if you hadn't have pushed me to do all that extra-mile stuff,

399. that probably wouldn't have happened. So thank you.

400. They got a hottie waiting for you at the bar.

401. You go get her.

402. Whoa.

403. - Where were we? - Do I smell banana conditioner?

404. That's one of my conditioners, yes.

405. As great as this was,

406. I couldn't stop thinking about what Turk said

407. and how— whoa! This girl really digs hair.

408. The point is,

409. it's hard getting what happens at the hospital out of your head.

410. Ow!

411. How was your first stress-free day?

412. Horrible.

413. - And you? - Worse.

414. Let's make a baby.

415. If it doesn't work this time, I'll kill myself.

416. Not helping with the stress.

417. I knew if I didn't leave that bar and go back,

418. I'd never be able to enjoy any of the simple things...

419. even a woman eating my former bangs.

420. Voilà.

421. Oh, wow!

422. That's the thing about being an extra-mile guy.

423. You never know who it's gonna rub off on.

424. Sister Blanche, I've got a little birthday remembrance for you.

425. Oh. Have you, Stanley?

426. I wasn't expecting any.

427. I hope you like it.

428. - You're hating this, aren't you? - No. That's not it at all.

429. It's just that I don't believe for a second

430. that you really want me to leave.

431. You got to feel it. You got to get involved.

432. What do you people say? "Let's take it from the top."

433. Sister Blanche, I've got a little birthday remembrance for you.

434. Again. With some force.

435. I've got...