Scrubs 5x14

Directed by Adam Bernstein

Aloma Wright as Laverne Roberts • Janet Carroll as Mrs. Cooke • Eve Brent as Mrs. Harris • Robert Martin Robinson as Mr. Borland • Monica Garcia Pérez as Sperm Bank Nurse

J.D. is sick of perfect intern Keith and he's not the only one. Elliot's relationship with Keith is revealed, so the other interns think that he is getting special attention. In the meantime Dr. Cox boasts about being named "The Best Doctor in the City" by a local magazine, thus Dr. Kelso assigns him to the most difficult patient in the hospital to deflate his ego. Also, Turk and Carla continue to struggle in their quest for conception.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. It was a beautiful day,

2. so I invited Elliot over to my half acre for some friendly sun bathing.

3. Unfortunately, she brought Keith.

4. Thanks for doing that, J.D.

5. I'd do it myself, but the bopsy twins are already loose.

6. No worries. It's not that homoerotic, is it?

7. Oh, God, no.

8. Keith didn't know I mildly disliked him.

9. He also didn't know I was rubbing Crisco on his back.

10. Does it smell like pie crust?

11. That's the rhododendron, Keith.

12. Everybody knows they smell like pie when they bloom.

13. - Hey, nice new watch, J.D. - Thank you.

14. It wasn't a watch.

15. Now that Elliot had gotten serious with Keith,

16. I needed to get tighter with Turk.

17. And since he's so busy being married and trying to make a baby,

18. I had only one option.

19. - Come in, Brown Bear. - I got us watchy talkies.

20. - Hey, White Shadow. - That's not my handle.

21. Hey, Gizmo.

22. Right on. What are you doing, man?

23. I'm about to take out the slip 'n' slide. Let's do it.

24. Dude, I can't. It's baby-making time.

25. How's it going with Keith?

26. Awesome. Check this.

27. Bacon back. Classic.

28. Hey, stud, you ready to fertilize an egg?

29. Got to go. Maintain radio silence on all channels.

30. A local magazine named Dr. Cox

31. the best doctor in the city.

32. Dr. Cox felt this was big news.

33. All right, here's how it's going to work, people.

34. I'm going to ask each and every one of you

35. just exactly who is the very finest physician in this city,

36. to which you will respond, you are.

37. If you do not reply in a timely and exuberant fashion,

38. my associate here will take his mop—

39. and these are his words, not mine— Popsicle you.

40. Now, my lovely ex-wife will demonstrate.

41. Darling, just exactly who

42. is the very best physician in our fair city?

43. You are. And now, as agreed, you owe me a night on the town

44. and to me actually getting to finish sex.

45. Well done. Now, here down the line we go.

46. - You are. - You are.

47. - You are. - Y'ar.

48. God! Why?

49. You combined "you" and "are." You said "y'ar." Made no sense.

50. It's true, Lonnie. Everybody heard it. Poke him again.

51. - Eeh! - Bob Kelso, will you be joining us?

52. Hmm? There was a line.

53. I assumed it had something to do with cupcakes.

54. Bob, obviously, you read the article.

55. Perry, the last publication I read was the issue

56. of out my son left by the crapper

57. when he was home this weekend asking for money.

58. You'll never get my validation, hot shot.

59. And just exactly where was the poke?

60. I froze.

61. Give me another 20 bucks, I'll go crack him over the head.

62. Only kill him if you have to.

63. That was amazing, baby. I never felt so close to you.

64. Oh, me, too.

65. Turk.

66. Were you not done cuddling, honey?

67. Because I was thinking maybe we could go over to J.D.'s half acre,

68. put a blanket down.

69. You can lie in my lap while I stroke your hair.

70. - Real reason, Turk. - J.D. has a slip 'n' slide.

71. I wanna show off some of my slammin' new moves.

72. I call this the captain.

73. Right? And then— wait. The dolphin.

74. I swear, Turk, sometimes I think you and J.D.

75. are more of a couple than we are.

76. Tell her I've known you longer.

77. I just don't usually burn this bad.

78. Don't worry. Later, I'm gonna find some aloe

79. and rub it on wherever it hurts.

80. It's just on my back really.

81. Keith, that was innuendo. You were gonna work on this.

82. Oh, r-r-r-right. Okay. Um...

83. It also hurts under my pants— in my pants.

84. Damn it. I can't get this.

85. Sweetie, you'll get it. You'll get it.

86. What? Laverne, what?

87. No judgment here, child.

88. People were starting to talk about Elliot and Keith.

89. But I decided to stay above the fray.

90. Then I changed my mind.

91. Can you believe those two?

92. No, I can't. All that carrying on in public.

93. - It's way too much. - It's just too much.

94. Sorry. I switched places so I could go again.

95. - Dr. Dorian? - Yes, Rex.

96. Mrs. Levin won't take her medication.

97. Mrs. Levin has dementia, Rex, and I know she loves sweets.

98. So take the pill, put it in some raspberry jam,

99. put it on your finger, dip it in her mouth. Hello!

100. Rex would forever remember that morning

101. as the time he lost his fingertip.

102. With patients, it's the luck of the draw.

103. You can't choose how tolerant they are.

104. Young man, can you make sure

105. they don't give me any black blood?

106. I'll try.

107. You can't choose how classy they are.

108. Oh, your hernia stitches look great, Mr. Borland.

109. Could you give them a kiss?

110. Maybe later.

111. Bottom line, you can't choose your patients.

112. - Hello. - It's about time.

113. - Are you my doctor? - Yes, I am.

114. I'm gonna go ahead and give you a second

115. so you can think about just how lucky that makes you.

116. Don't try to be funny.

117. Here's a list of things I'm gonna need you to take care of.

118. That is so helpful. Let me take a look at this.

119. Hey.

120. Hey. When you coming over tonight?

121. I can't. I'm on call.

122. I'm really worried about a patient with metastatic adenoid carcinoma.

123. See, this is why I hate cancer.

124. - Listen up. - You are!

125. We're not doing that anymore.

126. Now, you're fairly strong at diagnosing, right?

127. - Yes, sir. - Terrific.

128. I need you to go up and figure out

129. what's wrong with that darn third-floor coffee machine.

130. And, Gandroo, I need you to talk to a young pregnant black girl

131. who will not let me call her mom.

132. Why would she listen to me?

133. I may have told her that you're Kanye West.

134. I'm actually all right with that.

135. Let's go, group.

136. Look at our 3 manly men.

137. - Perry gets his chest waxed. - Keith loves to knit throw pillows.

138. - Turk might be sterile. - We have a winner.

139. I can't get pregnant and I already got a fertility test.

140. So why don't you just ask him to get tested?

141. Turk is very sensitive when it comes to his manliness.

142. Remember when I told him his backpack looked like a purse?

143. Turk, honey, I didn't mean it.

144. I am a man and a man does not carry a purse!

145. Aah-aah-aah! Aah-aah!

146. Yeah, ah, ah, ah.

147. So if you can't ask him to get tested,

148. what the hell are you gonna do?

149. That's easy. I'm gonna sperm-jack him.

150. Sure, sure.

151. All right, everyone, I just made a little tweak to the schedule.

152. Lisa, you're on tonight and Keith is off

153. because he's got some hospital related business to tend to.

154. Hey, don't give me that look, Lisa.

155. You'd be off if you had a good reason.

156. Like if you and I were sleeping together?

157. First of all, the only woman in this hospital

158. that I would even consider sleeping with is Jamie in pediatrics.

159. - Ohh! - I know.

160. And secondly, I'm the attending. So tough took us.

161. - Wow. - It's just so unfair.

162. - So unfair. - It really is unfair, you guys.

163. Hey, Gizmo. Can you check on Mr. Jensen for me?

164. No problem, Brown Bear. Are you nude right now?

165. Yeah. How did you know?

166. Your voice is always higher when you're nude.

167. That's true.

168. It's not weird that you know that at all?

169. Bob, just a note about the tapioca.

170. - I'm much more partial to flan. - You're a flan fan.

171. It's fun to say, more fun to eat.

172. Anyway, anything that you need, you just ask Dr. Cox.

173. Perry, Bonnie here is an old friend.

174. - Can't say I'm shocked. - Take care of her.

175. You can count on me, Bob-o.

176. Here's the low-down.

177. In 3 hours, my shift ends,

178. at which point I will be leaving you and meeting with my ex-wife

179. for a celebratory "best doctor in this city" date

180. which is guaranteed to end in crazy hotel sex.

181. I'm thinking 6-inch heels, a leather mask, fishnet stockings.

182. Who knows? She may even get dressed up.

183. Good news for you, though,

184. is that you have a simple case of hypocalcemia.

185. Any trained monkey can treat it.

186. Let's see who that monkey's gonna be.

187. Ooh, banana.

188. Rex it is. Have a great night.

189. You're in very capable 9-fingered hands.

190. I don't know what's gotten into you, baby, but I am turned on.

191. Ok, baby, this might feel a little bit weird,

192. but I promise you, you will love it.

193. Honey, how could you think I wouldn't notice this on my dangle?

194. You were enjoying it until it started making that grinding noise.

195. I know we're having a hard time getting pregnant...

196. but, sweetness, it could be you.

197. I already got tested.

198. Oh.

199. - Turk. - I'm a man...

200. and men can make babies!

201. I'm not afraid to tell you, Jordan,

202. I think it's gonna be a hell of a night. I got us a penthouse.

203. Great. How much did that run you?

204. About 5 bucks. And I figured while I'm in the shower,

205. you can read it and get yourself revved up.

206. - Awesome. - What the hell, mongo?

207. I'm sorry. I'm his man now.

208. Hello, Perry.

209. Don't get me wrong. I hit him hard twice.

210. It just made him mad.

211. The guy's got a skull like a mountain goat.

212. Perry, when I told you to treat Mrs. Cooke, I meant it.

213. If I wanted to waste my breath,

214. I would have given my wife mouth-to-mouth last night

215. when she went into cardiac arrest.

216. She's ok. My mistress used to be a lifeguard.

217. - Now, get your ass back in there. - I'm sorry, babe.

218. It looks like we're gonna have to take a rain check.

219. I know. You are.

220. - Enjoy your evening, ma'am. - Thank you.

221. No can do.

222. - Hey, we're gonna get going. - No, no, no.

223. There is no way that you can just spring your little boy toy here

224. for a night of passionless passion while my ass is stuck here

225. and Jordan's in a hotel

226. somewhere whispering sweet nothings to a shower nozzle.

227. Uh...

228. I'm gonna hang out back here.

229. I'll tell you what we're gonna do.

230. We'll leave it up to your interns.

231. Who here doesn't think that Barbie should abuse her power?

232. Ah. There we go. Fair and square.

233. I'm afraid jock stays.

234. It's a strange feeling

235. when everyone's stuck in hell and you're not.

236. I might be sterile?

237. Oh, honey, stay calm. Nobody knows but us.

238. You're firing blanks, buddy?

239. Oh!

240. I was just glad to watch TV

241. and for once not be in a world of crap.

242. Why didn't you stand up for me?

243. Or not.

244. Attendings switch schedules all the time, J.D.

245. You switched last week, and I totally attended you.

246. You know what's really going on here? You don't like Keith.

247. Go ahead. Tell me I'm wrong.

248. Thanks, J.D. You're a great friend.

249. - At least you're not sterile. - Amen to that, C Bear.

250. The next morning I braced myself

251. for Elliot's odd brand of revenge.

252. And there it was.

253. Did you individually drain all my eggs?

254. Morning.

255. Fine. I'll just have an apple.

256. Oh, looking for this?

257. How did you do that?

258. I'm having a rough morning, Brown Bear.

259. How you doing with your sterility?

260. Uh, can't really talk about that right now. I'm in an elevator.

261. Not reading you, Brown Bear.

262. I repeat: Are you still sterile?

263. This is so juicy, I feel dizzy.

264. Stupid watchy talkie.

265. I heard they really wanna have children, but they can't 'cause he—

266. Don't worry, baby. I'll kick her ass for you later.

267. We can go to the fertility clinic after work.

268. I can handle this myself.

269. Besides, when you went to get your fertility test, you didn't take me.

270. - Are you sure? - Yeah. Yeah.

271. Besides, I've been giving the fellas some inspirational pep talks.

272. Got to want it, boys.

273. There's no I in sperm.

274. Hey, you get a patient with gelastic seizures.

275. Awesome. Every intern wanted this case.

276. Elliot, you're asking for trouble.

277. - Everybody's already talking. - Mm-hmm.

278. Keith is the best intern.

279. He shouldn't be punished just because he has to sleep with me.

280. - Has to? - Gets to— he gets to sleep with me.

281. As a woman,

282. have you ever noticed how old self-esteem issues

283. just creep up on you?

284. I have sausage fingers.

285. Do you remember when I pulled strings with the board

286. and got Perry that promotion?

287. Yeah. People started talking,

288. and Perry ended up totally emasculated.

289. So it worked out great for me.

290. I should not care what other people think. Right, Carla?

291. Oh, sweetie, they're beautiful.

292. They're kielbasas.

293. Come in, Brown Bear. Come in, Brown Bear.

294. If you're around, I'm having some java out front.

295. Ohh! I'm hit. I'm hit.

296. Oh, this is gonna be fantastic.

297. All right, look,

298. I know I said I wanted to go by myself to get tested today,

299. but I've been doing some thinking, and I'm scared.

300. So... it would mean a lot if you went with me.

301. Of course, buddy.

302. You know I'm not comfortable getting busy with myself.

303. Well, you're in luck. This happens to be my specialty.

304. Here's some tips.

305. If you can't get over the fact that you're doing it to yourself,

306. sit on your arm until it falls asleep.

307. Then pull it out and use that. I call it the stranger.

308. If I ever have kids, you are never allowed to baby-sit.

309. I can't believe you're ready to have kids.

310. We spend all day taking care of old people, washing them, cleaning them.

311. Why would you wanna bring that home?

312. J.D., we're talking about kids,

313. not going home to a houseful of old folks.

314. All right, fellas, 2 quick announcements.

315. First of all, whoever's been filling my TiVo with jag reruns,

316. let's cut it out.

317. And secondly, Harvey, no matter how drunk you get,

318. - I like to sleep alone. - But I like to snuggle.

319. That's your problem, buddy. I got my own thing.

320. Ok. Chris Turk?

321. Yeah.

322. We're ready for you.

323. Excuse me.

324. Are any of the reading materials in there

325. available for those of us out here?

326. Hey, J.D., this is the black surgeon that you always hang out with.

327. Come on outside to the ramp, dog.

328. Any second now.

329. Oh, for God sake, breathe through your nose.

330. You sound like my bulldog.

331. You know, as a doctor, I rarely root for the disease.

332. But with you I find myself cheering, go hypocalcemia

333. with an underlying M.E.N. Syndrome. Go, go, go!

334. Do you drink out of the toilet?

335. My bulldog drinks out of the toilet.

336. God almighty.

337. God.

338. Dr. Reid, we think it is lame

339. that you give Keith preferential treatment.

340. We're filing a formal complaint with Dr. Kelso.

341. Oh. Ok. Sure. You know what?

342. You guys can tell Kelso whatever you want

343. 'cause all he's gonna do is hear the facts.

344. I'm sleeping with Keith, he gets his schedule shifted,

345. and he gets the most interesting cases.

346. Who wants 20 bucks?

347. Well, that's not gonna work 'cause I don't have that much money, so...

348. I just got in here.

349. Baby, what are you doing here?

350. I was home thinking about my fertility test

351. and how badly I wanted you to be there with me.

352. Baby, I'm a man and we're not that vulnerable.

353. I don't really know why I didn't tell you about it.

354. I guess I was just scared

355. that if I got bad news, I'd be letting you down.

356. I could see how you'd feel that way.

357. Anyway, I thought I'd come over.

358. Oh. Thanks, sweetie.

359. But you might wanna go outside 'cause I'm about to fill this up.

360. Why would I wait outside?

361. That's what's up.

362. Mmm!

363. Mmm! Mmm!

364. You are more than welcome

365. to have your goon take both of my thumbs

366. and break 'em if you want to, Bob.

367. But I am officially o-u-t, out. I am out.

368. I don't even see how you can like that woman.

369. I don't.

370. She was married to my best friend Richard.

371. He died a few years back.

372. You know the deal with friends.

373. If they love 'em, you'll have to love 'em whether you like it or not.

374. Dr. Kelso, do you really believe that,

375. or are you just saying that to look good?

376. Who am I kidding?

377. You don't care what anybody thinks about you, do you?

378. I got to tell you, though,

379. you just gave me some good advice about how to deal with Elliot.

380. Goochy, goochy, goochy, goo.

381. Can I fire him?

382. Sleep on it.

383. Say, one more thing about devil lady in there.

384. Why me?

385. I know it's a minor condition, Perry,

386. but you know how things can turn.

387. But you wanted me in there because I'm the best what, Bob?

388. - No. - Say it, or I will go in there

389. and tell her you're dying to be with her a lot more often.

390. - Beg your pardon? - You're the best doctor.

391. Thank you, Bob.

392. It means a lot to me.

393. Listen. I know that everyone is very upset,

394. but I really don't think

395. that there's any need to bother Dr. Kelso.

396. It's too late, Dr. Reid.

397. You're right, Lisa. It is too late because from now on,

398. I'm gonna be handing out all the case assignments.

399. For instance, this cool case right here.

400. Should I give it to the most annoying intern?

401. 'Cause that would be you, Lisa.

402. Or maybe I should give it to the most incompetent intern

403. missing a finger. Because that would be you, Rex.

404. Or maybe I should just give it to the best intern...

405. which would be you, Keith.

406. Now, if anyone wants to tell on me to whomever they like, they can.

407. Good day.

408. - Here you go. - Thanks again, Dr. D.

409. All right. If you like him, I like him.

410. - Hey. I'm not sterile. - Congratulations.

411. - Whoo! - Whoo!

412. My friends were all happy.

413. And even though I felt like a 5th wheel,

414. I could take solace in something.

415. Hey, Turk, I forgot. I can't raid the freezer with you.

416. Be careful in there. They lock up at 3:00.

417. Oh! Oh!

418. Oh! I'm gonna cut him.

419. I had finally won one.