Scrubs 5x13

Directed by Jay Alaimo

Sam Lloyd as Ted Buckland • Dave Foley as Dr. Hedrick • Alicia Fusting as Patient • Michael Janik as Patient • Michael Learned as Mrs. Wilk

J.D. and Dr. Cox go through the five stages of grief with their favorite patient, who is declining in health. Carla forces Turk to go on a string of double dates, including Elliot and her booty call Keith. Elsewhere, Dr. Kelso hits Ted with his car, thus Ted finally has the upper hand with a potential lawsuit.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Lately, Elliot and her booty call, Keith,

2. loved playing games.

3. Tonight, it was the orchard owner and the Mexican apple thief.

4. Confess, Manuel. Confess that you stole these apples.

5. I was at the dance with the other pickers.

6. Liar!

7. Unh!

8. Frankly, the whole thing disgusted me.

9. You saw him do it, didn't you, Paco?

10. Mostly because they never let me speak.

11. He hid them in his pantalones.

12. He loves dese apples. He makes apples pie

13. and apples juice with them.

14. Paco, you can't talk

15. because you lost your tongue in that cider press accident, remember?

16. Now back to the picker's bunkhouse!

17. I hate the picker's bunkhouse.

18. And I hate Keith, which begs the question,

19. "why do I insist on being a part of their foreplay?"

20. I guess I needed a distraction,

21. because last week, we all thought Mrs. Wilk was going home...

22. but she got an infection

23. and despite our best efforts she was now gonna die.

24. To make her happy, we decided to take her to the beach.

25. I'm gonna miss the feel of sand between my toes.

26. Still, she was sick, so we couldn't go far.

27. Want me to bury you?

28. Aw, shut up and move this umbrella. I'm freckling.

29. I thought we had more sand.

30. Now what?

31. Ok, people, it's time for the $50,000 cash call.

32. Today's lucky listener, Ted Buckland.

33. What?

34. Would you love a virgin daiquiri?

35. It's a normal daiquiri. I just let him give it to you.

36. - Thanks. - Hilarious.

37. Cheers.

38. You know, I've never really been afraid of death.

39. I used it as a motivator.

40. When you know there's an end, it forces you to live.

41. It forced me in the eighth grade to ask Peter Buccerelli

42. to take me to the sock hop.

43. It made me dare to travel the world. It made me who I am.

44. Still... now that I'm actually staring it in the eye,

45. I... why am I so scared?

46. Sometimes life sucks.

47. For everyone.

48. Sorry, Teddy. Apparently you don't need the money.

49. No-o-o-o-o!

50. Why?

51. Mrs. Wilk decided to call the hospital grief counselor.

52. He had a certain frankness about death.

53. So which one of you is gonna kick it?

54. Don't tell me. I wanna guess.

55. Uh, I'm thinking it's either you or you.

56. You because you're hooked up to a bunch of machines,

57. or you just have that look of someone who's gonna die young.

58. - I'm kidding. - Ah...

59. You're gonna live forever. Or not. What do I know? I'm not psychic.

60. We did not like him.

61. - I think he's funny. - She's delirious.

62. Mrs. Wilk, I'm Dr. Hedrick. Now it sounds cliché,

63. but you're gonna go through the 5 stages of grief,

64. which are denial, anger,

65. bargaining, depression, and finally, acceptance.

66. Now, I assume that you two have already entered into a conversation

67. with Mrs. Wilk about what the process of dying is gonna be like.

68. We were doing it right before you came in.

69. Oh, I'm sorry. Please continue.

70. All right, we will. Newbie... go.

71. Ok, well, yeah. Um...

72. Ok. Death is like a journey.

73. A journey in a boat,

74. and then this giant light shines down

75. on your "boat"

76. and carries you up to the heavens.

77. That was the ending to Cocoon.

78. Take it away, Coxy.

79. Keith, keep moving. No talking.

80. Hey, where's my wave, you little piece of meat.

81. You know, Elliot, the four of us should go out to dinner.

82. Honey, why are you so obsessed about going out with other couples?

83. Didn't you learn your lesson last week with our neighbors?

84. Mmm, squirrel chili. Who knew?

85. Ha. It's really good.

86. I wanna go home.

87. - Eat your soup. - No.

88. They're not even our neighbors.

89. They live in the woods behind our apartment.

90. And we'd be having brunch with them on Sunday

91. if you could've chocked down the damn tail.

92. Carla, I don't know about dinner. Keith is a booty call.

93. I make it a point not to see him before midnight.

94. Oh, good, the piles are getting smaller.

95. - Good. - That reminds me,

96. did you get that damn sand out of his office?

97. Yes, I did, and it cut my commute in half.

98. Good morning, loyal subjects.

99. Enjoy your day in Janitoria.

100. Labor until you tire and then labor some more.

101. Looks like rain.

102. That could be a problem.

103. Sir, can I have Sunday afternoon off?

104. Well, that depends. Is Baxter's dog run gonna hose itself down?

105. - No. - Actually, it is.

106. I rigged a hose to a timer.

107. But I need you to clean out my gutters.

108. But, sir, I'm doing a bike ride for charity.

109. Ted, the only thing I hate more than bikes are procedural cop shows.

110. We get it, the pedophile did it. Be at my house at 2:30.

111. Just once I— just once I wish I could treat Kelso like he treats us.

112. With Kelso, you got no leverage.

113. Leverage.

114. Leverage?

115. - You don't know what it means? - No.

116. I understand that you guys spend most of your time

117. fighting death around here,

118. so it's understandable that you're made uncomfortable by this.

119. Now, if you'd like, I'm willing to counsel both of you.

120. I was tempted to take him up on that,

121. but then Dr. Cox said something.

122. Listen up, we don't need any of your head-shrinking.

123. We? He said we.

124. After all these years, he's finally made us a team.

125. Yeah, Hedrick.

126. If it was up to us, we never would have even called you.

127. We can handle death just fine.

128. We might even be going into private practice together.

129. What?

130. Easy. Now is not the time to discuss the Dorian-Cox clinic,

131. much less the relocation to Jacksonville.

132. Clearly I'm pushing some buttons here.

133. You couldn't push my buttons if you tried.

134. In fact, I have no buttons. Please think of me as buttonless.

135. All smooth like G.I. Joe's nether regions.

136. And by the by, this image is brought to you by my son Jack,

137. who has been yanking the pants off his toy soldiers

138. and leaving them in provocative positions on my nightstand.

139. It is just disturbing enough

140. so that leaving the house, I'm cranky

141. and less able to suffer fools,

142. which brings me back to you, the fool.

143. I'm done suffering you, so go now.

144. Go before you can write a book entitled,

145. help, a large doctor is beating my ass,

146. colon, the Leslie Hedrick story.

147. That was a mouthful.

148. Anyway, if you need to talk, just gimme a call.

149. He seems strangely impervious to my threats.

150. That annoys me.

151. So, basically, whenever you're in the mood,

152. you just call Keith,

153. and he comes over and gives you some of that 20-something nasty?

154. Watch me.

155. Got the machine. Keith, we're going to your place tonight

156. because my room smells like apple vinegar,

157. so put some clean sheets on the futon

158. and turn all the pictures of your parents face down,

159. except that one of your dad in the Navy. Helps me.

160. How the hell does he put up with that crap?

161. Turk, would you get my scarf out of the car, please?

162. I am making a point here, honey. No man should—

163. Turk... less point-making, more scarf-getting.

164. - What's up, buddy? You need a ride? - Keep moving, C-Bear.

165. I was hunting for bigger game.

166. Hey, I thought you went home already.

167. Oh, I tried to, Perry, but I'm having some scooter trouble.

168. Come on, I'll give you a ride. Let's go.

169. Can you believe the Huevos on that Hedrick?

170. Holy cow, it's like we've never had a patient die on us before.

171. I gotta put this bag in the trunk.

172. I was in the Porsche.

173. I had never made it into the Porsche.

174. It smelled like German heaven.

175. I wasn't gonna blow this opportunity.

176. I had to be careful about every little—

177. Hey, a root beer.

178. Don't open that soda. It has been rolling around the floor for months.

179. - It will explode. - Apparently you're not familiar

180. with the John Dorian 3-tap method.

181. 3 taps, and the foam goes bye-bye.

182. Works every time.

183. The quickest way to my house is to take elm.

184. - Elliot, wait. - Oh, I'm sorry.

185. Am I looking at your dad too much?

186. His eyes penetrate my soul.

187. No. I just wanna tell you how beautiful you look right now.

188. That is so sweet.

189. Tell you something I learned today—

190. wet sand plus dehumidifier equals cave-in.

191. Is that Ted and a bunch of damn bikers?

192. Why do you hate bikes so much, sir?

193. Son, daddy's got to move on...

194. and I just want you to know...

195. that since the car is in your mother's name,

196. I wouldn't be able to leave the family forever

197. if it weren't for your bike.

198. It's complicated.

199. Get off the road!

200. Not today, Bobby. Not today.

201. Oh...

202. I see we're growling at other human beings now.

203. How you feeling, Mrs. Wilk?

204. Oh, not great. I'm cold.

205. Oh, she's been getting weaker.

206. In a hospital, you spend most of your time

207. just trying to hold on...

208. whether it's holding on to your perception of a relationship.

209. That was fun last night. Glad you got my message.

210. I didn't get any message.

211. - Oh... - Elliot.

212. If he didn't get your message, that means he called you for sex,

213. and you went over and gave it to him.

214. You're his booty call now.

215. Or just trying to hold on to the handle bars

216. of your custom bicycle.

217. Don't worry, Teddy. He'll turn.

218. Why'd you leave me, daddy?

219. Aah!

220. Now, we got leverage.

221. Unfortunately, as a doctor,

222. you also see your fair share of people

223. who simple can't hold on any longer.

224. She's in multi-organ systems dysfunction.

225. She's ok.

226. She's ready.

227. Mrs. Wilk didn't have much time,

228. so either Dr. Cox or I had to notify her next of kin.

229. As physicians, we knew just how to decide who should do it.

230. First one to drop tells her.

231. You're pretty strong there, newbie.

232. I was not, but hopefully

233. the duct tape I used to connect my prosthetic arms was.

234. Aah!

235. Ow.

236. Oh, why are we still doing this?

237. I've seen people in Mrs. Wilk's shape turn it around, right?

238. She could totally turn it around.

239. Denial. Yeah, it's not uncommon for people close to the patient

240. to also go through the 5 stages of grief.

241. - It's not denial. She could rally. - Yeah, totally rally.

242. Oh, yeah. Look at her.

243. She should be in a vitamin commercial.

244. How would you like to be in a broken-jaw commercial?

245. God help me, I don't care if it does give me cancer,

246. I just love this fake sugar.

247. If he keep ignoring my threats, I'm gonna have to hit him.

248. The good news is it looks like he has a soft face.

249. Are you done with my arms?

250. Coming to you, Mr. Johnson.

251. So I was Keith's booty call last night. Whatever. It'll blow over.

252. That's not good enough, Elliot.

253. By letting Keith get the upper hand, you've given Turk ideas.

254. Look at him.

255. Baby...

256. I know you hate my cool walking stick...

257. but I gotta be my own man.

258. It's catching on.

259. Yeah.

260. Ok, Teddy, I got this baby flowing now.

261. I don't know if that's good.

262. You should sue Kelso. You have a serious tort on your hands.

263. - Tort? - Civil case.

264. From the French avoir tort.

265. Did you go to law school?

266. No. I was Ruth Bader Ginsburg's janitor for a while.

267. Ruth Bader who?

268. Hey, there's my guy! Listen...

269. I just came up to apologize for that little Fender bender out there.

270. So, would 2 floor seats to the WNBA all-star game

271. just make all this go away? Huh?

272. Absolutely.

273. Uh, Ted is gonna be wanting a little bit more than that, I'm afraid.

274. I am?

275. I am.

276. Dr. Cox and I decided to give Hedrick a piece of our mind.

277. Unfortunately, I had lost front-seat privileges.

278. Yep, you're right. Still a little sticky.

279. Not yet ready for passengers.

280. All right, Lester, we're having this out right here, right now.

281. Oh, for the love of God, what is this,

282. some pansy get-in-touch- with-my-feelings-

283. because-my-mommy- didn't-love-me group?

284. Yeah, is that what it is?

285. Actually, this is a support group for the terminally ill.

286. Oh, we should probably go.

287. No. Please... continue.

288. Stop bugging us. I find your particular brand of psychobabblery

289. about as useful and about as effective as fairy dust.

290. He's actually helped me quite a lot.

291. Oh, good.

292. - Dr. Cox. - Yeah, newbie. What do you got?

293. That guy looks fantastic.

294. What do you think he's dying of, a case of the handsomes?

295. Aw, you know what? To hell with ya, Hedrick.

296. Group, can you tell me what stage of grief Dr. Cox here is going through?

297. - Anger. - Anger, yes.

298. You don't wanna see me angry!

299. Nor do you wanna see I angry.

300. You better hope you don't make any mistakes.

301. It's awful.

302. Ehh...

303. Carla's down there telling Elliot to ignore you

304. - so she can regain the power. - I don't really care.

305. Well, you know, this isn't about you, Keith.

306. This is about men everywhere who've been abused and bullied by women.

307. It's about me.

308. Now, when they walk by...

309. - you call her a different name. - I won't do it.

310. Ok, here's how you get your power back from Keith.

311. Totally ignore him.

312. - For realsies? - Yeah.

313. Hey, how you doin', Claire?

314. Did you just call me Claire?

315. - No! I would never call you Claire— - Oh, snap!

316. Elliot—

317. It didn't even sound like me.

318. I know. They hear what they want to hear.

319. They hear what they want to hear.

320. I'll tell you what—

321. I'd do anything if it meant she'd pull through this.

322. Me, too.

323. Hey, that sounds like bargaining. That's the third stage.

324. Oh, and by the way, I wasn't just hiding down there

325. so I could pop up and say that.

326. I was plugging in my iPod.

327. Oh. Hang on.

328. Unh.

329. We weren't the only ones at the bargaining stage.

330. Heh heh heh.

331. Ohh!

332. Ohh!

333. Now, let's talk, Ted. Just you and me.

334. No lawyers.

335. Ok. I know how you can regain control of Keith.

336. Carla, don't bother. That booty call thing was fun for a while,

337. but I'm so sick and tired of being a cold, emotionless bastard.

338. I don't ever get sick and tired of that.

339. - It is awesome being that. - We love it.

340. - No. - It's too much. I know.

341. Well, you can always get another boy toy, right?

342. Plus, every time you look at Keith,

343. you're going to be reminded of all that

344. no-strings-attached fun you had.

345. That's not what I'll remember.

346. I just want to tell you how beautiful you look right now.

347. That is so sweet.

348. Elliot!

349. You like him!

350. And that was the moment it got real for Elliot.

351. Ohh!

352. And for Dr. Cox and me.

353. Should be any minute, now.

354. We'd been there before when someone died...

355. but this felt different.

356. She's gone.

357. We were definitely in the depression stage.

358. And, bless Hedrick, he didn't say it.

359. All he said was...

360. She was lucky to have you two as doctors.

361. Letting go is never easy.

362. Whether it's letting go of the leverage you had over your boss...

363. Sir, I would like the word maintenance on my uni,

364. written out in tiny light bulbs.

365. That way, when I'm on a break, I can turn it off like a taxi.

366. Your friend settled, it's over.

367. I got 7 Sunday afternoons off a year!

368. Yay!

369. Or letting go of your old booty call

370. and making him your boyfriend.

371. Hey.

372. Do you want to go for dinner tonight?

373. And I mean at 7:00, not midnight.

374. I'd love that.

375. But there's nothing more difficult

376. than letting go of someone you cared about.

377. She was a great old gal.

378. That she was.

379. Hey!

380. Acceptance.

381. Damn bikes.

382. Boy!

383. Sometimes, you just gotta love Kelso.