Scrubs 5x12

Directed by John Inwood

Robert Maschio as Todd • Kareem Abdul-Jabbar as Kareem Abdul-Jabbar • Nathan Lee Graham as Eric / Devin • J.B. Ghuman Jr. as Mark • Shaughn Buchholz as Jason

Dr. Kelso is outraged, when he discovers, that a bird has been living in Sacred Heart. He orders the Janitor to dispose of it immediately. However, the Janitor likes the bird so much, he secretly keeps it as a pet. Meanwhile, J.D., annoyed with Keith, tries to get his intern fired, but things don't turn out as intended.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. The worst thing about Elliot

2. having picked my annoying intern Keith

3. as her permanent booty call is that if he's had a few beers,

4. he sometimes forget which bedroom is hers.

5. I'm here, lover.

6. Tender.

7. In my defense, Keith's a decent kisser

8. and anyone waking up that way would let out a pleasure moan.

9. Same thing happened to me in college.

10. Really? What guy drunkenly kissed you while you were sleeping?

11. And it was at that moment that Turk and I remembered

12. the incident we managed to block out for 12 years.

13. You ok with us not hanging out for a couple of weeks?

14. - Totally. - Ok.

15. I was gonna miss Turk,

16. but luckily my favorite intern was around to cheer me up.

17. Jason Cabaggio, or as I had brilliantly nicknamed him...

18. - Cabbage! - Yes, sir!

19. Mark, I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to cabbage.

20. Well, my last name is Cabbage.

21. I know that, but I've nicknamed you wolfman

22. because of your keen sense of smell.

23. And your ridiculously hairy torso.

24. Now, what can I do you for?

25. Dr. D., is the I.V. supposed to leak like this?

26. Well, yes and no. Mostly no. Really all no.

27. But don't worry. I got your back.

28. First thing is, take a little nip for yourself.

29. Got some on you. Look out!

30. That's some of the fun that you can have.

31. But no, seriously, just watch and learn. Watch and learn.

32. It's an honor to watch you work, sir.

33. Take it all in, cabbage. Take it all in.

34. Yes, I like some interns more than others.

35. But I never let personal feelings affect my professional behavior.

36. You're late, Keith.

37. Which doesn't surprise me because you're a bad person.

38. Sorry. They needed help with a shooting victim downstairs.

39. Lies will get you nowhere, Keith.

40. I'm covered in his blood.

41. That could be anyone's blood.

42. Here's the gunshot victim from downstairs.

43. Hey, look. My blood.

44. - That's not your blood. - Yes, it is.

45. Quiet time.

46. All right, listen.

47. If Mr. Burton wants the surgery, just call me on my celly.

48. Cool. What's your number?

49. You have my number.

50. I don't. I changed phones.

51. Oh. But you didn't switch out the old numbers into the new phone?

52. Yeah, but I decided

53. I'd just put a couple of emergency numbers on here.

54. The butterball Turkey help line.

55. This one just says "that guy in the restaurant."

56. Hey, I really clicked with that guy in the restaurant, ok?

57. We spent all night talking about something. Ok?

58. Turk, if I need you, I can just call Carla.

59. It's not like we hang out just the two of us anymore.

60. I bet you don't have my number in your cell.

61. Not even Keith could bum me out

62. because everybody's favorite patient, Mrs. Wilk,

63. is going home today.

64. I'm sure not gonna miss this food.

65. Well, the nurses and I got you this.

66. - Oh! - Huh?

67. Aw.

68. You should see the size of the stationery store.

69. That was a huge courtesy laugh

70. because I was about to trump Carla's good-bye gift

71. like nobody's business.

72. Mrs. Wilk, I remember how much you like basketball,

73. so I got you a DVD of the NBA's greatest centers of all time,

74. signed by Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

75. Oh, J.D., this is so sweet.

76. Winner!

77. My gift is in the same vein.

78. Oh, is it, Keith?

79. Mr. Abdul-Jabbar is on my dad's flag football team.

80. - Hi, Patricia. - Oh!

81. That's not my signature.

82. - Did you sign this? It's illegal. - Ok.

83. Back to the psych ward, Mr. Rosenberg. Crazy.

84. That morning seemed like any other.

85. Dr. Mickhead was back,

86. having beaten the rap on murdering his spouse.

87. Anybody want a cool prison jumpsuit?

88. And Dr. Kelso was having his daily staring contest

89. with the last double chocolate chocolate chip muffin.

90. Let's end this charade.

91. You win again.

92. You always do.

93. Would someone explain what that bird is doing in my hospital?

94. Sanchez appears to be flying, sir. I've named him Sanchez.

95. He set up shop in that old wreath there.

96. I'd take it down,

97. but the patients around here really seem to love the little guy.

98. That disease-invested scavenger is a serious health risk.

99. Oh.

100. Do you know the number-one cause of death in a hospital?

101. - Your breath? - Infection.

102. And do you know how quickly infection spreads in a hospital?

103. - Your breath. - That doesn't make sense.

104. Don't care.

105. Look infections can start with a simple sneeze...

106. and then a handshake.

107. Perhaps an accidental collision.

108. Then a simple touch on the shoulder.

109. And just like that, you have a patient in trouble.

110. Chinatown is awesome.

111. I want that bird gone.

112. Keith, I realize

113. you'd like to be at your grandmother's funeral on Saturday.

114. Heck, we all would.

115. But you can't just take a day off whenever you feel like it.

116. Then how come cabbage got Saturday off so he can go see King Kong?

117. Because, Keith, cabbage is an ape enthusiast.

118. Show him a little.

119. It's like I'm at the zoo.

120. Put the thing in your mouth when you...

121. Yeah.

122. See you, Mrs. Wilk.

123. I'm gonna miss you.

124. I'm gonna miss our late-night talks.

125. You can call me anytime you want, sweetie.

126. Got your number right here on the phone. Sorry.

127. Don't even worry about it.

128. It's ok.

129. We are so not cool.

130. We're not? Why are you making such a big deal of this? It was a simple—

131. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

132. Mr. Burton! Hey!

133. In a few minutes, they'll be coming to get you

134. for your Aorta Bifem bypass surgery.

135. And if there's anything we can do for you, just let us know.

136. Well, if I don't make it,

137. I want you to make sure my sons get this note.

138. Oh! I can't believe you fell for that.

139. Why would that call have been for you? It's my cell phone.

140. You got my "1" button?

141. Hey. Now I can't call my buddies in Saigon.

142. Touché?

143. What else can you do?

144. Hey, can I borrow 5 bucks? I left my wallet at home.

145. What do you need $5.00 for—

146. Because Abraham Lincoln is your latest president crush

147. or because wool-worth's is having a 48-hour girdle sale.

148. There. I did it for you. You don't talk with your mouth full.

149. Here. All I have are hundreds.

150. Because I worked the streets last night.

151. Apparently I'm a prostitute? Nice.

152. Thank you.

153. Nice job, buddy. Let's go get you that hat.

154. Mine.

155. Where's my change?

156. A bird took it.

157. I want it back by tonight or I'm gonna beat it out of you.

158. Why are you sitting here, newbie?

159. I'd sit with my interns, but Keith's over there, and I can't stand him.

160. I've seen that kid. Horrible doctor.

161. I would sooner leave my medical care in the hands of Dr. Acula.

162. Yes, I read your vampire screenplay,

163. and as much as it pains me to say it, I didn't hate it.

164. Here's what you got to do with this Keith.

165. You turn the heat up on his ass.

166. Sooner or later, he'll make a mistake

167. and then you bounce him the hell out of here.

168. What did you think of the Transylvania dream sequence?

169. Because I wrote it while I was on call,

170. and the next morning I woke up and read it,

171. and I was like, "what was I thinking?"

172. Bethany, focus.

173. I can't just pick one of them out to torture.

174. Then dump on all of them. I'm sure they deserve it.

175. Let's face facts. You are their teacher.

176. How competent can they be?

177. Actually, just this morning one of them had trouble with an I.V.

178. Yesterday one of them made a diagnosis of a backwards x ray.

179. And last week, one of them made a patient septic

180. when he confused a suppository with a Mike and Ike.

181. Stellar group there, newbie. Let the torturing commence.

182. Oh. I'm sorry.

183. That means conversational time is o-v-e-r.

184. Please exit the area. Please exit the area.

185. When you get a chance,

186. I'd love to talk to you more about the screenplay.

187. Please exit the area. Please exit the area.

188. Turk and Elliot were having a hard time too

189. because their patient, Mr. Burton, didn't make it through surgery.

190. We did everything we could for your dad.

191. We are so sorry, Devin, Eric.

192. That's Devin. I'm Eric.

193. Oh. You guys must get that all the time.

194. Why? Because all black people look the same?

195. No. Because you're identical twins.

196. - Is she always this racist? - Oh, there's a pattern.

197. Identical twins, Turk.

198. Keith. It looks like somebody's gone prematurely gray.

199. That's gonna hurt with the ladies.

200. Wow. You know, Dr. Cox told me

201. you were getting tough on your interns.

202. I had no idea you were gonna go all cotton ball on their asses.

203. I think I know how to deal with people, Carla.

204. Check this. Cabbage, heat test.

205. It's a little hot.

206. I'll add some milk. Thank you.

207. - See? - Yeah.

208. And now it's good-bye, Keith.

209. Interns, gather.

210. The next person who screws up is gonna be suspended for 2 weeks.

211. This is a list of all of your names.

212. At least the ones I remember. At the end of each day,

213. I'll either write a smiley face or a sad face next to your name.

214. One sad face and you are Gonzo. And I wanna warn you,

215. I write my sad faces pretty darn sad.

216. Allow me to demonstrate. Dr. Cox, may I borrow your pen?

217. Not going to happen.

218. I had to strangle a nurse to get this clicky top.

219. Please. I'm in the middle of a very threatening speech.

220. - Return this pen or die painfully. - Thank you.

221. So as I was saying, my sad face—

222. Around here, it can be tough to hang on to things.

223. So if someone's trying to take your new friend away,

224. you might have to lie.

225. The bird's dead, sir. And if you're wondering.

226. Sanchez tasted like chicken.

227. I ate him.

228. I get it.

229. Just sign this order form so I can stop talking to you.

230. - Gracias. - De nada.

231. You said our father left us a note?

232. Yep. Dr. Turk, give it to them.

233. Elliot, I gave it to you. You have the note.

234. You give it to them.

235. And if you feel your credibility slipping away,

236. you might have to excuse yourself for a moment.

237. Excuse us for just one minute, Deric, Devin, Eric.

238. Anyway, I know it's in pencil,

239. but that's what a sad 2-week suspension face would look like.

240. - All right? Very, very sad. - Yes.

241. Who tried to give Mrs. Meadows an ace inhibitor?

242. She's 6 months pregnant. She could've lost the baby.

243. Of course, sometimes there's nothing you can do.

244. That was me, sir. Sorry.

245. Oh, cabbage.

246. Not you, wolfman.

247. I...

248. I can't believe you're finally getting out of this deathtrap.

249. The odds were against you.

250. You had a life-threatening disease,

251. a life-threatening doctor.

252. Anyway...

253. it was a pleasure treating you, and—

254. I know how hard it is for you to say something nice.

255. So you can go.

256. Thanks.

257. Why the grim face there, Trish?

258. Watching Kelso's afternoon staring contest

259. with the last brownie?

260. You bested me again, you little chocolate bitch.

261. No. I'm just kind of sad about my intern.

262. Why? You got exactly what you wanted.

263. You drove Keith out of here.

264. No, I drove cabbage out. That's Keith.

265. That's Keith? That kid's the best intern we've got.

266. Hell, I'd like to bronze him, turn my office into a Keith-edral,

267. and convert to Keith-tianity.

268. And FYI, I still want my pen back.

269. Oh, I don't have it.

270. Then you damn sure better find it, nubile 1.

271. And when you do, I want it buffed, shined, and identified.

272. You think that's funny? This isn't over.

273. What's not over?

274. Deal with this, Turk. I did not lose it. You did.

275. I don't lose things.

276. Please. You lose everything.

277. Sometimes I worry what you'd be like as a dad.

278. Yeah, baby, we're on our way back right now.

279. Junior and I just went to pick up a pumpkin.

280. I'm gonna have to call you back.

281. Look. Somebody left a baby here.

282. Well, he is kind of cute.

283. - Our baby's first bath. - Oh, watch the head.

284. What? Come on! That was intentional!

285. Charge the mound, son! Charge the mound!

286. We are so damn proud of you, son.

287. My little valedictorian.

288. Put him back together, baby.

289. Mom?

290. Dad?

291. Son?

292. - Son. - Get over here, boy.

293. You come here and you give your father a hug.

294. No!

295. Dude, you all right? You were gone for a really long time.

296. You're gonna be an awful father.

297. And now to take care of my boy.

298. Cabbage is back.

299. Gang, I should've made it clear earlier.

300. The suspension policy begins today at 4pm

301. so my apologies to cabbage.

302. - That's ok, Dr. D. - You get in there.

303. This is totally unfair. If I'd messed up, I'd be gone.

304. Let me explain something to you, Keith.

305. I treat each and every one of you like unique individuals. Ok?

306. Take Laurie for example.

307. The woman's 400 years old. She needs to sleep a lot.

308. I work around that schedule.

309. Wolfman's got to be home by daybreak,

310. so he does all his work come nightfall.

311. Crazy Barry. Not allowed near children.

312. We work around that.

313. How come I don't get a nickname?

314. Not everyone's last name lends itself to a nickname, Keith.

315. My last name is Dudemeister.

316. And what am I supposed to do with that, ok?

317. I'm not a magician.

318. Patricia, it's been a real pleasure having you here at Sacred Heart.

319. And I certainly hope the next time you fall ill, you'll remember us.

320. I'm not implying that you'll get ill.

321. It's just that you're old,

322. and chances are good, stop talking, Robert.

323. It's all right. I know what you meant.

324. Damn it, Sanchez. I told you Dorian's in room 136. This is—

325. 136. I was wrong.

326. I apologize, Sanchez. You were right, as always.

327. What?

328. Hey, newbie.

329. Watch out for the bedpan.

330. Now we're even.

331. But answer me this one question, will you, please?

332. Those are beautiful antlers.

333. No. Why is that screw-up still here?

334. You see, Dr. Cox, I treat each and every one of my interns differently.

335. Ya done.

336. So you accidentally drummed your friend out of here

337. because you were trying to 86 the Dudemeister.

338. That nickname will never stick. It's too long.

339. Listen carefully, newbie. Things happen for a reason.

340. Do me a favor and think back

341. on all those mistakes that your interns made

342. and tell me this.

343. Who made them?

344. Hey, Dr. D., is the I.V. supposed to leak like this?

345. I'm not quite sure what I'm looking at here.

346. Don't worry.

347. You're gonna feel much better once I insert this suppository.

348. I don't remember who made those mistakes.

349. Yeah, you do.

350. Ok, this sucks.

351. But at least I didn't forge a note from a dead father.

352. You guys ready?

353. All right, Elliot. Begin.

354. "My dearest Eric,

355. it is my wish for you that you finally find a good woman..."

356. I'm gay.

357. "So that she might find you a man..."

358. Dad didn't know I was gay.

359. "So that he might find you a woman."

360. I found your note in Sanchez's wreath.

361. I also found a bunch of little furniture.

362. I don't know where he got that. Sure the hell didn't make it.

363. Didn't have the time.

364. "Make sure you clean out the gutters at the lake house

365. so the front porch doesn't flood"?

366. Ours was better than that.

367. Well, it's done.

368. I had him stuffed.

369. Terrific.

370. And he's gone.

371. Wow. That was impressive, my friend.

372. You're free to fly.

373. Farewell, Sanchez.

374. You have my heart.

375. Time to give Keith a little treat.

376. Hey, Todd, my buddy Keith here says you're no good at rat tailing.

377. Oh, really?

378. There. Tell him I'm good.

379. Oh, he's good, Keith. Really good.

380. Thanks for the warning.

381. Hey, Dr. Dorian.

382. Hey, Jason. We need to talk.

383. Look, you're not progressing as fast as the other interns,

384. and you've been making a lot of mistakes lately.

385. I know what you're gonna say.

386. I really am suspended for 2 weeks.

387. But I promise I'll do much better when I come back.

388. Yeah, about coming back.

389. Dr. Cox was right.

390. Things do happen for a reason.

391. Like how going through a horrible experience with a friend

392. can remind you of how much you missed hanging out together.

393. "... a woman to find a man to find a woman."

394. Excuse me for a sec.

395. Incoming call from Elliot Reid.

396. You're in speed dial, baby.

397. Oh.

398. - What's up? - What's up?

399. - What you doing? - What are you doing?

400. What you doing?

401. In cabbage's case, as much as I was gonna miss him,

402. I was just lucky to get rid of him before he really hurt someone.

403. You've always been really nice to me,

404. and I just wanted to say thanks and good-bye.

405. Good-bye, young man.