Scrubs 5x11

Directed by John Inwood • Randall Keenan Winston

Robert Maschio as Todd • Marisa Petroro as Cavewoman • Bobby Foster as Janitor's Cronie • Callard Harris as Guy • Kellie Madison as Girl

J.D. is still dealing with his recent breakup and trying not to kill intern Keith, who has become annoyingly perfect. To make matters worse, a favorite patient is in a serious coma and each of the staff finds their own way to deal with it. Dr. Cox and the Janitor bond over drinks at the bar and Carla makes it her mission to make the hospital's gym female friendly. Meanwhile Turk suggests, that J.D. and Elliot find themselves 'booty calls'.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. It's been a week, but for some reason,

2. I'm still having trouble moving past my breakup with Julie.

3. Luckily my roommate knows how to take care of me.

4. Nice.

5. Now it's a picture of me and you on a unicorn.

6. J.D., that's Gary Busey.

7. It's uncanny.

8. Now that we live together,

9. Elliot and I were getting tighter every day.

10. Aah! Oh, my God, that's cold!

11. Aah! Aah! Aah!

12. J.D.!

13. She wasn't great at practical jokes...

14. Aah! Aah! Get it off!

15. Aah! Aah!

16. Oh!

17. But still, we'd become inseparable.

18. Whoa! Ok. Heh. Yeah.

19. There you are, little fellas.

20. Thanks for the ride, buddy. See you upstairs.

21. Todd, hand shake.

22. Don't worry, ma'am. I got permits for these.

23. Go ahead and touch them. The safety's on.

24. I keep getting light headed and passing out,

25. but you haven't seen it because it only happens when I yawn.

26. No problem. Newbie, quick, tell him a story.

27. Lay off, bub, ok? I'm still pretty upset about this whole Julie thing.

28. You know, in high school once, there was—

29. Hope that hurt.

30. Totally worth it. Now, I need one of you two clowns

31. to do a neurological workup on this guy.

32. It's going to be a giant pain in the ass.

33. Hmm.

34. Newbie, looks like it's you.

35. All the best.

36. Damn those rollerblades.

37. Ok, everybody, let's gather round.

38. After 6 months on the job,

39. some interns can become completely overwhelmed.

40. Where's Rex?

41. He's gone fetal again.

42. - Put a blankie on him. - I've got it!

43. Unfortunately, young Keith had become competent so quickly

44. that every word out of his chiseled mouth

45. came tainted with an arrogant smugness

46. that he couldn't hide no matter how hard he tried.

47. Is there anything else I can do, Dr. Dorian?

48. Right on cue.

49. No, Keith. All I need right now

50. is a sip of your coffee to make me feel warm in my belly.

51. Oh, Keith, look what you did.

52. Dr. Dorian, take my shirt.

53. You think you're better than me?

54. With your rock-hard abs, dynamite areolas.

55. Well, you're not.

56. Dr. D.

57. What's on your back?

58. Those, Jason, are the panicked scratches

59. of the adolescent raccoon,

60. who, until animal control can get into my home,

61. is currently residing in my sock drawer.

62. To clear my head, I decided to give scooter blading a try.

63. I got this! Gun it, grandma!

64. Ok.

65. Hmm?

66. Whoa!

67. Aah! Aah!

68. That was close.

69. You ok, Dr. Dorian?

70. Keith, it's like you're begging me to hate you.

71. - I don't feel like I am. - You can't stop, can you?

72. Newbie, today.

73. We were both edgy because our favorite patient,

74. Mrs. Wilke, had developed a lung infection

75. and needed to be intubated for a week.

76. So basically we had to put her in a coma.

77. Of course, at her age,

78. there's always a good chance she'll never wake up.

79. A whole week of sleep.

80. You're going to have some killer bedhead.

81. I'm nervous. I'm sorry. I love bedhead.

82. Marge, the patient should not have to be braver than you.

83. Go easy on him. He's my fella.

84. Now listen, if this doesn't work, I want you to just let me go.

85. Don't let me linger.

86. Even though you'd think

87. we'd all be used to this kind of stuff by now,

88. when a patient's been around for a while,

89. it gets to everyone, no matter how long you've been here.

90. Turkleton, you're a surgeon.

91. When did you ever deal with Mrs. Wilke?

92. You're not extending your arm.

93. It's pull, pop, and lock, Christopher, not pop and dangle.

94. - Ok. - Ok?

95. Oh, ok. Uh-huh.

96. You're getting it now, baby. You're getting it now.

97. - I'll see you later. - Go, Michael.

98. - Go Michael. - I'll see you later.

99. She changed my life.

100. All right. Here we go. See you in a couple days.

101. Let's hope so.

102. Everyone has their own way of getting stuff off their mind.

103. Some people like to work it off...

104. others try to drink it away.

105. For me, I had heard that the piercing girl at the mall was easy.

106. - Thanks for penciling me in. - Sure thing.

107. Maybe later you can show me where else you're pierced.

108. - Why wait till later? - All right.

109. Aah! Oh! Aah! Oh! Aah! Oh!

110. I feel so close to you right now.

111. Oh!

112. Oh!

113. What are you guys doing down here?

114. We were so bummed about Mrs. Wilke

115. we inhaled 6 gallons of ice cream.

116. Would you tell Dr. Kelso to make this gym more female friendly?

117. Yeah, there's like no equipment for women down here.

118. You know where there's all kinds of equipment for women?

119. Todd land.

120. Dammit, Todd, what did I tell you

121. about talking like that around my wife?

122. Wait until she leaves and then say it?

123. Exactly. You're welcome.

124. Saving this seat for your ex-wife?

125. No, she's over there.

126. Do you know that guy pointing at us?

127. No. You should fight him.

128. One rule: No yapping.

129. The only thing I want to hear

130. is the sound of my liver drunkenly singing rugby songs.

131. Calm down. I'm not even here.

132. Seriously. My shift at the hospital doesn't end for 3 hours.

133. I hate that place and everyone in it.

134. I'll drink to hate.

135. - All right. - Cheers.

136. But you know what else I hate about Kelso?

137. His hair smells like a pet store.

138. Oh, actually, that's my fault.

139. I filled his hair spray can with dog sweat.

140. Dogs don't sweat.

141. - No? - No.

142. What the hell am I putting in there?

143. Per, we've giving Bobby a ride home.

144. Say good night to your girlfriend.

145. I'm sure he'll be here tomorrow.

146. I will, not that it matters.

147. Not that I care.

148. Perry!

149. Dorm closes at midnight! Aah!

150. - I gotta go. - Yeah.

151. I tell you, I am done trying to pick up the random ladies,

152. because every time I do, I end up with a bunch of face holes

153. and an emerald stud in my peep.

154. Which I'm keeping.

155. Dude, you're surrounded by female interns

156. who'd do anything to get with the big, bad attending.

157. - Make a booty call. - He's right.

158. People have been making booty calls since the dawn of time.

159. Kronk, why you go now?

160. Oh, hey, you're up.

161. Look, I don't know what you're looking for,

162. but I just got out of a really tough relationship with this girl Debbie.

163. Also, my sister was carried off by a giant bird,

164. so we've all been in mourning about that.

165. And my brother ate my foot.

166. But you are just fantastic.

167. The things you were doing last night,

168. they were, well, crazy, ok?

169. So when I clear my own stuff up,

170. I'd love to maybe get back together with you.

171. Hungry?

172. Ok, I should really go.

173. You know what? I'll do it,

174. if my partner in crime here will join me.

175. J.D., booty calls are pathetic.

176. More pathetic than emailing your high school boyfriend

177. to see if his marriage is holding up? Hello.

178. Black hand shake.

179. Carla, Mike Gorsky wrote "keep in touch" in my yearbook,

180. and that's all I'm doing, ok?

181. Yes, he did say that his wife Carol is his soulmate

182. and, yes, they have adorable twins,

183. but he also said that he wishes he knew how to skate,

184. so let's just see if they're together come winter.

185. Yes, J.D., I will do this with you.

186. Oh. Dr. Kelso.

187. Where's your wife going?

188. He's gonna go ask Dr. Kelso

189. if we can get some equipment for women in the gym.

190. - Oh, that is so nice. - My baby's learning.

191. Oh!

192. Are you crazy?

193. Why would you want your wife in the gym?

194. Because unlike you, I don't hate my wife.

195. Yet.

196. You don't hate your wife yet. But think about it, huh?

197. You go to work, she's there.

198. You go out, she's there.

199. And when you go home, where is she?

200. - There. - Ding.

201. Women are everywhere except for the gym.

202. That's why it's such a magical place.

203. Don't ruin that. Don't be that guy.

204. Come on. You're so much more than that.

205. I'm begging you.

206. I'm actually saving that for someone.

207. - Oh, that's not allowed. - Fair enough.

208. Say, that's a real nice pants suit you have on.

209. Oh, thank you. It's 40% off.

210. What do you say we swing by my place

211. and see if we can't get it 100% off?

212. It had to be done.

213. - Thanks, chief. I got the next one. - Don't mention it.

214. So I'm late because Dorian parked his scooter behind my new van.

215. Practically punctured a tire backing over the thing.

216. Kid drives me crazy.

217. Got a new van, huh?

218. We blew up the old one over a bet, remember?

219. Right.

220. Dorian drives me crazy too.

221. But what are you going to do about it?

222. Stole this from his locker.

223. I come by here a couple times a week

224. and just move stuff around, turn off his alarm,

225. maybe cut his bangs.

226. You're clearly in need of help,

227. but gosh darn it, I'm not going to give it to you.

228. How sound a sleeper do you think he is?

229. Well, watch this.

230. What?

231. So, what now?

232. Aah!

233. Naked. Excellent.

234. Who took my emerald?

235. After paying the Janitor the very unreasonable sum of $90

236. to move my bed back home...

237. Elliot and I decided to round up our interns

238. so we could pick out our respective booty calls.

239. Welcome to Fugliville.

240. J.D., I really don't want to do this.

241. Can't we just go home and put on our PJs

242. and watch Grey's Anatomy?

243. Oh, I do love that show.

244. It's like they've been watching our lives and then just put it on TV.

245. - Huh. Yeah. - Hmm.

246. Carla listened at the door

247. while I was helping Turk ask Dr. Kelso for gym equipment.

248. What do you want?

249. And then Turk lied.

250. Sir, we're here on behalf of Dr. Bianca.

251. You know, the Albino Radiologist.

252. Oh, Jim.

253. Who'd he get pregnant this time?

254. I tell you, the ladies cannot resist that ugly rascal.

255. Sir, Jim is demanding that he gets new equipment in his lab.

256. Demanding?

257. There is no way in hell that Jim is getting new equipment.

258. Sorry, baby. I tried.

259. Has there been any change?

260. She's still the same.

261. I guess in the back of my mind

262. I was hoping for a pleasant surprise,

263. because around here, most of them are unpleasant.

264. Like when a guy you thought you connected with

265. suddenly turns on you.

266. Hey, how's the day treating you, big guy?

267. You're not talking to me, are you, Doogie?

268. Doogie?

269. This is a doctor no-fly zone, bub.

270. Speaking of flies, yours is down.

271. Oh, no! You fell for that grade school zinger.

272. You gotta go. Back to the game, boys.

273. And you guys would not believe how hard my man fought for us.

274. Well, you know, ladies, I do what I do when I do what I do.

275. Or your boss blows your cover.

276. Turkleton, I have reconsidered your request,

277. and I've decided to give old Jim that new MRI machine.

278. See, baby, no, wait. Aah!

279. Of course, my surprise came the next morning

280. when I found out Elliot had broken our no-booty-call agreement...

281. with my Nemesis.

282. Why is he wearing my robe?

283. Fits me.

284. J.D., I can explain.

285. Oh, you did it twice.

286. All righty, somebody's a stud.

287. We got a stud alert in here. Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!

288. Ok, this is just mathematically impossible.

289. Keith, Dr. Dorian and I have to go to work now, ok?

290. So why don't you just clean all this up and then drop off my laundry

291. and then go get me a coffee and bring it to the hospital.

292. Run along. Quick like a bunny.

293. Sure thing, Elliot.

294. Keith, it's after 9. It's Dr. Reid now.

295. Dr. Reid. Dr. Reid.

296. I love booty calls.

297. "El Toro Grande?"

298. I'm not familiar with this brand.

299. No change.

300. Her FI-02 is still 50%.

301. I said no cream. I didn't say no cream.

302. It's like having a sex puppy.

303. What's your problem?

304. I gotta tell you, I can't stand that guy.

305. J.D., he's just a booty call.

306. Say the word and I'll end it.

307. I'd appreciate it if you'd end it.

308. Oh, my God. You've turned Keith into forbidden fruit.

309. I must have him now.

310. Heel.

311. Oh, hey, bud. Check out my new mop bling.

312. Bling.

313. It's cool. I cleaned it.

314. So now we're pals again? I gotta be honest with you.

315. I'm a little confused there, sasquatch.

316. I got a rep to protect, ok?

317. I'm sort of seen as the king of the working folks.

318. If they catch me hobnobbing with a doctor type,

319. well, suffice it to say I won't get my cut

320. of all the prosthetics we looted from the storage room.

321. How's that?

322. We sell the feet to college kids for 500 bucks a pop.

323. Apparently they smoke something out of them.

324. Let me get this straight. You are embarrassed to be seen with me?

325. At the hospital. At the bar, we can hang out all we want.

326. You rich yacht owning punk!

327. You think, they're gone. It's cool. See you at the bar.

328. Oh, sweetie, do you want me to call his mommy

329. and tell her he's being mean to you?

330. My friend is mean to me.

331. Listen, honey, I know you're angry,

332. but look what I found in my locker.

333. A wad of cash. Now you can buy those shoes you always wanted.

334. I'm not mad about that gym thing.

335. Sign this, please?

336. - Any of you ladies have a pen? - Ooh!

337. You set me up. Baby, you are mad.

338. Look, it's not a crime for me to want to have one place

339. I can hang out by myself.

340. Turk, I am not mad, ok?

341. Staple these, please.

342. Anybody got a stapler—

343. hey!

344. Hey.

345. I promised myself I wouldn't pick on Keith,

346. but this one he had coming.

347. Ok, guys, gather round. Gather round.

348. Your hero, Keith here,

349. forgo to check the blood levels on Mr. Joy this morning.

350. And guess what—

351. he's dead.

352. Way to go there, Keith.

353. I've never even seen this guy before.

354. Oh, way to get to know your patients there, murderer.

355. There's Mr. Joy.

356. J.D., did you steal him from the morgue?

357. Doug, I left a note on the decapitated guy's stump

358. that I would have him back by 2:00. It is 1:45.

359. Now I have to take him back down to the basement

360. and I don't even have my gurney.

361. I hate dead people.

362. All right, the real reason

363. that I brought Mr. Joy up here was for a teaching exercise.

364. Could anyone figure out what the cause of death may have been?

365. Maybe when you leaned over to check his I.V.,

366. you smothered him to death with one of your love handles.

367. What did you say, Keith?

368. Dr. Reid told me that if you picked on me,

369. I should stand up for myself

370. and that you're very sensitive about your doughy physique.

371. Well, I'm not.

372. Please, no one help.

373. He's not heavy at all.

374. You know, Keith, I think out of professional decorum,

375. we should refrain from talking about Dr. Reid.

376. He's bonking her, everyone.

377. That's why he gets special treatment.

378. What did she say to do if I said that?

379. Page her.

380. - Aah! - Hello.

381. I forgot how strong you are when you're mad.

382. Hey, could I talk to you for a second?

383. What's the matter, Sally?

384. The vending machines out of bras again?

385. - Nice. You tell him. - What's up, buddy?

386. Well, nothing really. I just thought your friends over there

387. might be interested in seeing this photo I took

388. with my cell phone the other night.

389. I'm going to airbrush "friends forever."

390. Then I'm going to hang these bad boys all over the hospital.

391. It's a whole evocative—

392. - Give it to me. - You want it, come and get it.

393. Come and get it.

394. Gentlemen, let's try to be professional.

395. I left my gurney downstairs in the morgue.

396. You're a superstar.

397. One of those staplers could've killed me, woman.

398. Well, you know what bothers me?

399. You whining about me being in your space

400. when you're the one who never wants to be alone.

401. I mean, for God's sake, you bought side-by-side toilets.

402. It was a surprise for your birthday, ok?

403. Oh, a surprise for me?

404. You know what? Surprise! How about that?

405. I'm sending it back.

406. Doughy physique, Elliot? Doughy physique?

407. If the pear shaped shirt fits, wear it.

408. I am ashamed of you, ok?

409. Do you know how petty it is to get that personal?

410. Once when we were dating, Elliot asked me to urinate on her.

411. I had been stung by a jellyfish.

412. Around here, it can feel like good things never happen.

413. Good to see you, you old bird.

414. Did I miss anything?

415. I'll catch you up later.

416. Of course, when they do,

417. all the petty little arguments fade away.

418. And you don't mind waiting a little longer for your workout...

419. or your bar friend not being your work friend.

420. Because the truth is, when you put stuff in perspective,

421. the little things will never bother you again.

422. Good morning, Dr. D.

423. Dr. Reid told me to get my sweet ass out of the shower

424. and make her an omelet. You want one?

425. Did I say never?