Scrubs 5x10

Directed by Chris Koch

Eamonn Roche as Mr. Clark • Mandy Moore as Julie • Erica O'Keith as Whitney • Billy Dee Williams as Billy Dee Williams • Stacey Hinnen as Mr. Morgan

J.D. is annoyed, that Julie doesn't laugh, so Elliot encourages him, to tell her his feelings, and Turk tries to use psychology to fix the issue. Meanwhile, Carla is upset, when the Janitor refers to a new nurse as a "hot young Carla," which intensifies her growing concern, that she is too old to conceive.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Behold Julie Quinn.

2. We fell for each other so swiftly,

3. we decided to buy some property together

4. and build a deck on it.

5. To our half acre.

6. Hey, look. The Clarks are home.

7. Unfortunately, the Clarks felt that

8. if we weren't building a house, we weren't technically their neighbors.

9. Hey, Clarks!

10. - Go to hell! - Ok.

11. Hey, buzz, I'm gonna beat you in poker next time.

12. The Morgan's on the other side were much friendlier,

13. but I don't think we're gonna have them over again.

14. - Hi. - You all are a cute couple.

15. Thanks.

16. You wanna buy a baby?

17. - Ooh, sweetie. - No.

18. - I'm sorry. No, thank you. - I'll throw in a crib.

19. Throwing in a crib.

20. It didn't matter.

21. Because I was happy to look out at my beautiful half acre

22. with my sweet but klutzy gal.

23. You ok, buttercup?

24. The glass broke in my mouth.

25. Turk and I had discovered a new way

26. to deal with Kelso's bad moods.

27. Damn it, people.

28. If you can't fill out your patient's insurance forms, then—

29. Spoonful of peanut better, sir.

30. It usually bought us a few minutes of peace.

31. But then Carla said something

32. that deeply disturbs every man on God's green earth.

33. I just got my period.

34. - Ugh! - This really sucks.

35. I've been trying to get pregnant for 2 months now.

36. I almost bought a baby yesterday.

37. What?

38. Don't tell them in case you want it later.

39. Nothing.

40. Don't worry about it, baby. We'll just keep trying.

41. Remember that magazine I read about how important it is

42. for the man to have a high-protein diet.

43. Turk, for the last time, you are not eating ribs while we do it.

44. You don't let me have no fun.

45. You know, I'm not gonna have a kid

46. until that genetic technology they've been talking about

47. is available for everyone.

48. So you'd wanna pick the sex and eye color.

49. No. Gills.

50. When that day comes, it's good-bye hospital,

51. hello, father-son treasure hunting team.

52. Wow. Well, you better get cracking. What are you, like 45?

53. 43. I know I look a little older,

54. but that's just 'cause I drink and smoke heavily

55. and work with chemicals and sleep on my face.

56. No hard feelings?

57. - Okay. - All right.

58. I swear on my unborn fish boy's life she will pay.

59. I need some milk.

60. - Yo, glass man. - What's glass man?

61. It's a basketball thing. I'm a great rebounder.

62. Bill Russell's a great rebounder.

63. Dr. Mickhead.

64. - His wife was killed last Saturday. - Hey, guys.

65. Hey, Mickhead.

66. Has the police cleared him yet?

67. He's still a person of interest.

68. There was sexual energy everywhere.

69. For the women, it was due to the dashing new gynecologist,

70. Dr. Matthews.

71. Jordan, why would you need 7 pap smears in 1 month?

72. I got a lot of pap. Move your head so I can see.

73. And for the men, there was a new sexy Latina nurse.

74. Nurse Martinez.

75. Will you guys stop doing that?

76. Yep, there was eye candy for all.

77. And only one thing could upset this delicate balance.

78. Wow. She looks like a young Carla.

79. Aah!

80. Aah!

81. That's why they call him the glass man.

82. Julia and I had overslept,

83. so we didn't have time for our usual 7 solid minutes of lovemaking.

84. We had to fake it.

85. Oh, yeah! Don't stop!

86. Pull my hair! Whee!

87. Shut up and take it, you stupid bitch!

88. Ok, we can stop there.

89. - Now it's time to ring the sex gong. - What?

90. Turk and I got sex gongs in Chinatown.

91. We're supposed to ring them whenever each one of us gets lucky.

92. And even though I don't live with him anymore,

93. I'd like to think that somewhere, somehow he hears it

94. and it makes him happy.

95. That's so funny.

96. Yeah, buddy!

97. Ha-ha! That's my dog.

98. I hope my gong wasn't too loud for you this morning.

99. I know it can be. It's a loud gong. I mean, it's like "gong!"

100. J.D., I knew you were faking it

101. 'cause at the end you didn't say "bombs away."

102. How could I forget my sexiest move?

103. Great. Now Julie probably thinks I'm weird and lame.

104. J.D., she likes you.

105. Just do yourself a favor and stay out of your head for once.

106. Ok, from this moment on, I'm officially out of my head.

107. I'm an old hag.

108. I mean, look at her. Everything's so tight and perky.

109. Come on, Carla. It's not her fault.

110. Just do what you always do. Turn the other cheek

111. and quietly spread the rumor that she's a guy.

112. Hey, Turk, guess what.

113. She's not a guy, honey. And besides, "young Carla" is a compliment.

114. Really? So how would you feel if I said "hey, it's skinny Turk"?

115. And now his boyfriend will comfort him.

116. Don't listen to her, brown bear. Your body's fierce.

117. - Is it? - Like Taye Diggs.

118. Taye Diggs.

119. Luckily, I had a best friend too.

120. So, what did "her name" used to be?

121. - How about Alberto? - Hmm. I'll spread the word.

122. Alberto.

123. So when am I gonna get to meet Julie?

124. Do I want her to meet Turk this soon?

125. What if he doesn't like her?

126. What are you doing?

127. I'm saying all my thoughts out loud

128. so I don't mess this relationship up.

129. I don't understand.

130. I forgot. Sometimes Turk is slow. You know what?

131. It's time for her to meet the people in my life.

132. I think she's gonna do great.

133. Did you know J.D.'s parents thought he was gonna be a girl?

134. They didn't have a name ready when he was born.

135. So until he was 3 years old, they called him Joanna.

136. I don't know who you are,

137. but thank you for this.

138. So, what do you think?

139. Sure. I guess I can hide this in my basement for you.

140. Ok, great, great.

141. You know what? Let's just give that back.

142. Thanks. Nice to see you, Mickhead.

143. Look, Julie, I'm very protective of J.D.

144. So it's gonna take a lot for you to win me over.

145. J.D. wanted me to introduce you to my Godfather.

146. Hey, Julie's a great girl.

147. Yah-ha-ha! Ha-ha! Lando Calrissian.

148. - Come here. - You can call me Billy Dee.

149. Yes, Lando. Yes.

150. Julie, you already won Carla and me over because you're nice to J.D.

151. And you won Jordan over because you bought the first round.

152. I got lemon drops.

153. Mm. The last time I had one of those,

154. I agreed to go on a date with a chick in my art history class.

155. Can we go somewhere less collegey?

156. One of the boys here could be the baby I gave up in high school.

157. We aren't too old to hang out here. Come on.

158. Mmmm.

159. Ok, time to dial up the Spanish.

160. That always make them feel guilty

161. that they haven't spent more time around minorities.

162. Come on, mis amigas. We don't have to vamanos.

163. Pretty please.

164. - All right. - Let's do it.

165. To being young!

166. You guys, for real, you're my best friends.

167. So, Carol, did you like jazz?

168. Yeah? How much?

169. Hey, look what we have here as a visual representation

170. of how alcohol affects people of different ages.

171. - We have the young— - Morning.

172. - The slightly older— - Please stop talking.

173. The slightly older still

174. and last, the very, very, very old.

175. She is unconscious and virtually un-wake able. Witness.

176. Jorda-roo. Jorda-licious.

177. Jorda-roni. Uh-huh.

178. We'll get you ladies some more coffee.

179. Jordan, if you're willing to pay for it, just sit there frozen.

180. How very generous.

181. That's so funny.

182. Yeah.

183. Dude, Julie's awesome.

184. Doesn't it bother you she never laughs at anything?

185. What do you mean?

186. When something's funny, she never laughs.

187. She just says, "that's so funny."

188. It's kind of annoying.

189. J.D., this is an intervention.

190. First off, I just wanna say everyone here loves you.

191. This is a safe space.

192. But you are such a commitaphobe.

193. Every time you date a girl with actual potential,

194. you wind up ruining it over some trivial reason.

195. Let's think about some of the great girls

196. you let slip through your fingers.

197. Kylie, Jamie, gift shop girl,

198. Minnie McSkinnie,

199. Mole Butt, Tina two kids, Rumpel Fugly—

200. I'm forgetting someone.

201. Oh, my God, Turk. If you forget Elliot, she's gonna cry.

202. Turk, aren't you forgetting the greatest girl of them all?

203. Heidi horse face.

204. Me, Turk. She is talking about me. Ok?

205. Relax, Elliot. You're Mole Butt.

206. Really?

207. Sorry, Turk.

208. J.D., there's somebody else here who wants to say something.

209. Don't mess this up, man. Be smooth.

210. - Lando's right. - Billy Dee.

211. Joanna, now, I'm not much for this sensitive crap,

212. but darn it all, you finally found someone

213. who's willing to let you annoy them instead of me.

214. Don't screw this up, J.D.,

215. or you'll just gonna end up where you always do.

216. Lying on that couch in the fetal position

217. wishing you hadn't driven another one away.

218. If Jordan were conscious, she'd agree.

219. Now, who put that fake arrow through her head?

220. Ah, which one of you?

221. It was me. I did it.

222. I got to get cooking.

223. People are gonna be here for this barbecue any second.

224. - So your friends really liked me? - They're crazy about you.

225. They're worried I'm gonna mess this whole thing up.

226. Nah. You're not gonna be a jerk and do something like that, are you?

227. The only jerk around here is the spicy marinade

228. on this Jamaican chicken, mon.

229. That's so funny.

230. It is, Julie. It is. Why do you always do that?

231. Do what?

232. You never laugh when something's funny.

233. You just say, "that's so funny."

234. Does that bother you?

235. Don't mean to bother anybody.

236. I'm just showing nurse Martinez here around the hospital.

237. That's our chief of medicine. That is a patient.

238. And that is you in 20 years.

239. Ok. Let's go look at dead people.

240. That nurse makes me feel so damn old.

241. Oh, calm down, nurse Espinoza.

242. I have it on good authority that she's a dude.

243. I made that stuff up.

244. Then it's time for her to meet Bob Kelso, licensed hetero.

245. Sweetie, you're not old. You don't have crow's feet.

246. Your bra size hasn't gone from a 34-b to a 40-long.

247. And you don't have arthritis.

248. Neither do I. But that's how it gets you.

249. And then Mrs. Wilk said something that really surprised me.

250. It's not like you're trying to get pregnant and you can't.

251. Actually, I am.

252. Oh.

253. Of course, none of us were the least bit surprised

254. that J.D. made this happen.

255. Why is Julie behind that bush crying?

256. Who knows? Could be anything.

257. You know what's interesting, Turk?

258. She's not saying, "that's so sad."

259. She's actually crying.

260. - You're an idiot. - Yes, I am.

261. I tried, but I just couldn't get babies off my mind.

262. Excuse me, fellas. Got to take a whizz.

263. Wait a minute. Why am I rushing?

264. All right.

265. You're disgusting.

266. She's right. I am disgusting.

267. I'm disgustingly incapable

268. of carrying on a relationship with someone I actually like.

269. I apologized to her so I think we're cool for now but it won't last.

270. Every time she says, "that's so funny,"

271. it's like nails on a chalkboard to me.

272. You're just too picky with women.

273. You used to be the same way.

274. Somehow you got over it, and now you're married.

275. That's 'cause I was never as bad as you.

276. Oh, really? Remember Whitney the snapper?

277. Ahh!

278. Hey, I just wanted to say thanks for dinner tonight.

279. And for dessert, you're gonna get a little Whitney...

280. A la mode.

281. Get out.

282. It's too much.

283. Carla, you've only been off the pill for 2 months.

284. Why are you getting your fertility test?

285. Because I'm old and the crock pot is on the Fritz.

286. No reason.

287. - Carla Espinoza? - Yes.

288. - Dr. Matthews will see you now. - Great.

289. Oh.

290. Ok, he is super cute, so do not look into his eyes.

291. You could get lost.

292. I'll be fine.

293. Ask him if he remembers me from my pelvic exam.

294. Ask him!

295. I made popcorn. Oh!

296. You ok, sweetness?

297. - I'll go make some more. - All right.

298. Why are we watching a movie again?

299. It's called immersion therapy.

300. What we're about to watch

301. is gonna make her say that's so funny so many times

302. that eventually it's not gonna bother you anymore.

303. But how can you guarantee she's gonna laugh at this movie?

304. I can't. But Uncle Buck can.

305. That's so funny.

306. Look how big that pancake is. That's so funny.

307. Make her stop.

308. That's so funny.

309. Ahhhhh!

310. This guy's not that hot.

311. Well, you've only been trying for 2 months.

312. So I don't think you need to worry about a fertility test yet,

313. unless, of course, you're over 35.

314. Well, buddy, I'm 36 and ok with it.

315. So how old are you?

316. Ravish me.

317. I'm 29.

318. I've been seeing a lot of 29-year-olds lately.

319. Oh, my God. Really?

320. - Like her. - Ooh! Call me J.J.

321. The immersion therapy didn't work.

322. Dude, relax. I was a psych minor in college.

323. The next time she says, "that's so funny,"

324. I want you to pretend she says, "that's so money."

325. Ooh. I like that.

326. Yeah. It's called "word replacement-ism."

327. This is the dumbest conversation I've ever heard.

328. You should hear this one.

329. Oh, I remember my first exam with Dr. Matthews.

330. He said, "you're very healthy down there."

331. And then I said, "right back at ya."

332. And then there was this weird little, awkward pause.

333. So I said, "well, I like to keep a clean shop."

334. And then he asked to see my insurance card.

335. So how did your fertility test go?

336. Everything is A-ok.

337. Oh, that's bull.

338. Excuse me, sir?

339. - I was talking to these ladies. - I was talking to you ladies.

340. Newbie, listen to me.

341. You never stop being annoyed by the little things ever.

342. Take Gandhi here.

343. Your wife is the bossiest woman I've ever met.

344. Are you trying to tell me that you're not bothered by that anymore?

345. Sometimes I watch rootsto remind myself how good I have it.

346. Me too.

347. Everyone is annoying. I mean, take Jordan.

348. She is just now returning from what I can only assume

349. is her 11th gynecological visit this month.

350. I'm saving my breast exam for when you go away next month.

351. Upsetting, but we persevere.

352. Bottom line, there's no such thing as a perfect person.

353. You tell her.

354. You found someone who makes you happy

355. by just sitting around and holding hands.

356. Then eventually all that other stuff won't matter.

357. Hmm.

358. - Dude, not me. - I know.

359. Nurse Espinoza, I know you didn't take that fertility test.

360. People think I am some clueless old geezer,

361. but nothing that happens in these hallways gets by me.

362. It wasn't me. I didn't do it.

363. It's just that if I take that fertility test

364. and I find out that I missed my window to have a kid,

365. I'll never forgive myself.

366. If you're worried about your biological legacy,

367. here's the father of a son

368. who not only wrote a musical based on my life

369. but is currently shacked up with the actor playing me.

370. Honestly, sweetheart, it's not all it's cracked up to be.

371. But I know you. You'll find out eventually.

372. So why don't you just turn around and tell him?

373. Oh.

374. Dr. Matthews.

375. - I'm 36. - Oh.

376. Well, let's get you that fertility test.

377. - Follow me. - Ok.

378. Here goes nothing.

379. Ha-ha! One a day vitamins.

380. I'll tell you how they could double their profits.

381. - Two a day vitamins. - That's so funny.

382. I'm sorry. I said, "that's so funny."

383. I know that drives you crazy.

384. You know what?

385. I really couldn't care less.

386. So what do we do now?

387. I don't know. I mean, we already got that half acre, right?

388. I imagine we'll eventually be able to build a house on it.

389. A little backyard. Room for a slip 'n slide

390. for our kids Gilligan and the Skipper.

391. I know. I'm sorry. I got to do it. I lost a bet to Turk.

392. And I don't wanna rush things, but I feel good about this.

393. I don't know. I feel like...

394. you and I could go the distance.

395. Actually, I meant what do you wanna order from takeout for dinner?

396. Oh. Tapas.

397. - I love tapas. - Great for sharing.

398. - Sharing is fun. - I love it.

399. - Just share. - Share.

400. So you really don't think about that kind of stuff?

401. J.D., I'm only 23.

402. I don't even know if I want any of that stuff

403. and certainly not for the next 5 or 10 years.

404. You know what? We just started dating.

405. So I've a feeling this conversation goes down a really bad road.

406. Why don't we just say we're never gonna talk about it ever again, ok?

407. - Ok. - Ok.

408. - Ok. Whew! - Ok.

409. So you really feel that way?

410. And here I am again. I can't believe I broke up with her.

411. Why do I keep doing this?

412. J.D., this was totally different.

413. You didn't break up with her because she said "that's so funny"

414. or because she was like Minnie McSkinnie

415. and sang Christmas Carols in the summertime.

416. It was August. The weather was far from frightful.

417. You broke up with her for a real reason.

418. Right, Carla?

419. Definitely.

420. Oh, my God. What did I just agree to?

421. All I can think about is getting my test results back.

422. I have to get out of my head. Just say something positive.

423. She's a keeper, J.D. You'll never do better.

424. I guess it's human nature to worry about the future,

425. especially when we think our dreams might not come true.

426. Thanks. Thanks, Dr. Matthews. That's great news.

427. Turk!

428. - Yeah, baby. - Get over here.

429. Yeah, buddy.

430. As for my future, I'd finally gotten to the place

431. where I was looking for the right person,

432. and I knew she was out there,

433. even if I couldn't quite see her yet.