Scrubs 5x1

Directed by Bill Lawrence

Sam Lloyd as Ted Buckland • Robert Maschio as Todd • Aloma Wright as Laverne Roberts • Josh Hammond as Razor • Joe Costanza as Mr. Kellerman

Attending at Sacred Heart, J.D. now has to deal with his own interns. Turk has doubts having children, then tries to prevent Carla from getting pregnant. Meanwhile Elliot struggles to find her way at County Hospital and doesn't want to seem like the helpless person she was before.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Since my apartment's roof collapsed,

2. I was living in a hotel.

3. But that's not the only thing that's changed around here.

4. Now that I'm an attending, I'm a licensed badass.

5. Elliot actually works at a different hospital.

6. She's trying to lay low at first.

7. Whoa!

8. And Turk and Carla are trying to make a baby.

9. Here you go, baby.

10. I know you love foreplay, but I only have 5 minutes,

11. so I made you a sandwich.

12. That's the sexiest thing I've ever seen.

13. Over here, Turk.

14. My bad, baby.

15. Yep, life was different.

16. You take my Porsche from the valet?

17. This didn't feel like my scooter.

18. Ow!

19. Look, no harm done. Here are your driving glasses.

20. Here's your driving scarf and here are your driving gloves.

21. Fine. Here's your driving sock.

22. I didn't care, because now that I'm an attending,

23. I've picked out a whole new look.

24. Morning, colleague.

25. - Oh, absolutely not. - Oh, what, tall, dark, and scary?

26. I can wear whatever the hell I— what are you doing?

27. This is my new imaginary warning light.

28. Whenever it starts blinking,

29. a situation has 10 seconds to resolve itself

30. before I flash white with rage and kill someone.

31. 1, 2,

32. 3, 4...

33. 7, 8,

34. 9, and 10.

35. I had a little trouble getting my baby gap t-shirt off.

36. - That'll happen. - Ow.

37. Aaah!

38. Ok. You know, I'm gonna go with "ow."

39. How depressing is it being you? Seriously.

40. Would you equate it more to being a lifelong cub fan

41. or to say, being born without lips?

42. - Born without lips? - I know a guy.

43. His house just burned down.

44. - How sad. - Well, he was smoking in bed.

45. He shouldn't smoke, 'cause he looks ridiculous.

46. "I have a snake face."

47. Listen, today, if you bother me,

48. could you do it without being around me?

49. I have new interns starting.

50. Can you imagine what it's like to see this place

51. through their eyes for the first time?

52. - Something on your shirt, kid. - Huh? Uh...

53. - Ah ha ha! Classic! - Ah heh heh.

54. Hey.

55. Sparky, it's $5.00 a minute to stare in public.

56. It's free in private.

57. Uhh!

58. - You're gonna love it here, sport. - Get out while you still can.

59. Uh...

60. Seriously, get out while you still can.

61. Junior, have you seen Johnny?

62. You know, Alzheimer's patient, likes to tackle people.

63. Mm, mm-mmm.

64. Has anybody seen Johnny, the tackling Alzheimer's patient?

65. - Hey, you must be Keith. - Uh, heh.

66. Don't look so nervous, buddy. I got your back.

67. - Who am I? - Aah!

68. I found him.

69. Someone's close enough for a hair mussing.

70. Doogi doogi doogi doogi doogi duh.

71. Dynamite bangs.

72. Hey, guys, follow me.

73. Listen, if you're having trouble finding a vein for an I.V.,

74. please don't page me.

75. If you're desperate, we're lucky.

76. This is a city hospital. There are plenty of heroin addicts around

77. who are quite adept at this.

78. Did you find a vein there, Reverend Mayhem?

79. - No problem. - Ok. Good work, buddy.

80. Stay in school.

81. - Mr. Kellerman, how you feeling? - Ohh, I'm not great.

82. Well, that's probably why you're here. Ha!

83. Humor is a great icebreaker for patients, ok? Follow me.

84. Mr. Kellerman has congestive heart failure.

85. Ok, Lisa, I want you to start him on diuretics, ok?

86. That way, we'll loosen up some of the fluid around his lungs.

87. The good news is he'll go home tomorrow.

88. The bad news is if he's not here,

89. he won't move up the heart transplant list.

90. See, in medicine, there are lots of catch-22s,

91. a phrase made famous, I believe, by an old fisherman

92. who would stay out fishing until he caught how many fish? Anybody?

93. That's right. 22.

94. - See, in 1492, Columbus— - Newbie!

95. Yep. You loved the sound of your very own voice any more,

96. you would probably just sit in a little room all day

97. and sing to yourself.

98. Oh, you guys can skedaddle.

99. - Booga booga! - Huhh!

100. I love interns.

101. Gentlemen, a reminder,

102. as attendings, you are expected to turn in your insurance paperwork

103. and your required urine sample by tomorrow.

104. Bob, I'm not planning on doing any paperwork.

105. But I did go ahead and leave my urine sample

106. on your driver-side car door.

107. Perry, your lips, my ass— they should meet.

108. Dorian, after 4 years, I can only hope

109. you are no longer following in his footsteps.

110. I turned in my paperwork already,

111. but I'm gonna wait till tomorrow to turn in my urine sample.

112. Out of respect to the fellas in the lab.

113. There's an asparagus issue.

114. Now there's an answer that warrants a half-sincere pat on the shoulder.

115. Thanks, Dr. Kelso.

116. You know, he said, "half-sincere," but I think he was full sincere.

117. Feel my shoulder. It's still warm.

118. Lindsey, by you reaching the level of attending physician,

119. you've somehow managed to become a member of a club that I belong to.

120. Obviously there was no vote, because if there had been,

121. you would still hear the sound of my voice

122. screaming, "nay, nay, oh, dear God, one thousand times nay."

123. That being said, it's my obligation to let you in

124. on the organization's one and only bylaw.

125. - We're men. - Yes, we are.

126. The women are men. The children are men.

127. The men, of course— men.

128. So I went ahead and took the liberty of making you 5 man cards.

129. Hold them very dear.

130. Because every time, you drop the ball "manwise,"

131. I'm going to take one from you.

132. I don't need your approval or your stupid man cards.

133. Although the lettering is darling.

134. - Have you ever done calligraphy? - Thank you.

135. Damn it.

136. That night, since we were low on cash,

137. Turk snuck me into the movies.

138. One, please.

139. Afterwards, we talked about my living arrangements.

140. - Are you sure about this? - You shouldn't stay in a hotel,

141. so why don't you just stay here till you find a place?

142. Carla was pretty psyched to get rid of me. Are you gonna tell her?

143. I don't know. What do you think?

144. Turk, is that you?

145. Yes. I'll be right in, baby.

146. Mm, ok.

147. Dude, you left your gym shorts in here.

148. Look, I gotta sex her up.

149. I'll be back as quick as I can.

150. So it'll be about an hour and a half. Heh heh.

151. W-W-Wait. Could you just quickly scratch my nose?

152. Ok. Ok. Don't zip me!

153. Aah!

154. Turk! Turk! Ohh!

155. I'm a little sick of the Turks.

156. Excuse me?

157. Not you, Omar. I love your people.

158. I'm talkin' about their lovey-dovey crap.

159. Oh, baby, I borrowed your backpack this morning,

160. and all my change fell out the bottom.

161. Maybe someone or something had to gnaw a hole in it

162. to keep from suffocating.

163. Maybe someone already apologized for that about a hundred times.

164. Well, maybe a hundred wasn't enough. I don't know.

165. - Absolutely no lovers' quarrels. - Damn it!

166. Elliot, by the way, what are you doing here?

167. Oh, she hasn't talked to anybody at her new hospital yet.

168. How did this conversation become about me?

169. The Turks are sneaky.

170. Not you guys. I think Omar took my pudding.

171. Mmm.

172. Hey, Keith, can I get your pudding?

173. Uhh.

174. Interns.

175. Elliot, you should be excited about meeting people over there.

176. You could totally reinvent yourself.

177. You're right.

178. I'm gonna tell them that I'm the most perfect doctor ever

179. who never needs anyone's help with anything. Ha!

180. That'll end well.

181. Dude.

182. That's my pudding Omar!

183. This guy's unbelievable.

184. Ok, guys, for some reason,

185. Mr. Kellerman's fluid situation isn't getting any better.

186. I think we should be more aggressive.

187. - Keith... - Uh...

188. - Why don't you go get an lasix drip? - Uh...

189. Other way, Keith.

190. Ah. Jason, when you're filling out a female patient's exam report,

191. her breasts can be healthy or unhealthy,

192. never "bangin' double-ds."

193. There's so much paperwork.

194. My dad was a veterinarian, and he never had to do any.

195. Sometimes I wish this place were more like a horse hospital.

196. I'm sorry, Mr. Larsen, but I do not like the look of that leg.

197. We would have better hours.

198. All right, gang, get outta here.

199. Hey, everybody, great work today.

200. How do you bother someone without being around them?

201. That is the question.

202. Dorian, I'm paying you to work, not stand around acting like the fonz.

203. Perfect.

204. Being Turk's secret roommate was going great.

205. - Until now.

206. Turk, I'm leaving for work.

207. Ok. You've been working on your Turk impression since college.

208. Time to shine.

209. - Turk. - Baby,

210. I'll be thinking about your lovelies and whatnot

211. until the second I see you,

212. but right now, I'm doin' my business.

213. Don't forget to use the glade.

214. Dude, that's the best it's ever sounded.

215. I thought she was gone.

216. Nah. She came back for a quickie.

217. All this baby stuff, man, I feel like she rushed me into it.

218. Tell you the truth, I'm not even sure I'm ready.

219. Well, you better get ready.

220. She's been off the pill for, like, a week.

221. What have you done?

222. Think she'll be mad?

223. Dr. Reid, you need some help?

224. Ah heh. I don't need anyone's help, thank you.

225. Stop running.

226. - Doctor. - Hmm?

227. Do you know where the Foley caths are?

228. Sir, I know where everything is.

229. Be right back.

230. Stupid coffee robot.

231. Frick.

232. Don't sweat it, kid.

233. I used to hide here when I worked at this place.

234. But I'm in a fellowship now.

235. Um, Foley cath, please.

236. Thanks.

237. Thanks.

238. Could you also grab a number 6 needle?

239. Ah.

240. Frick fricky frick frick.

241. Nice ass, grandma.

242. Aaaaah!

243. That screaming patient would have to wait.

244. I had bigger problems.

245. Hey, Keith.

246. I just called upstairs to see how Mr. Kellerman was doing,

247. and get this— the nurse told me

248. you never even started him on a lasix drip.

249. And, Lisa, imagine my surprise when she told me

250. you never even increased his diuretic in the first place.

251. I'm forced to ask, are you people trained killers?

252. Say something, Keith.

253. Uh, I...

254. Dr. Dorian, if he gets bad enough we have to put him on inotropes,

255. he'll jump to the top of the transplant list and get a new heart.

256. They're messing up on purpose?

257. Who told you guys to do this?

258. There's a lot of ways to get caught.

259. Sometimes you get caught

260. because you couldn't slip your wife her pill last night

261. so you had to feed her one of your special homemade brownies.

262. What's that?

263. Oh, that? That's a tiny marshmallow with writing on it.

264. Still, if you don't panic, you can get away with it.

265. Just doing some inventory, sir.

266. That's why I'm glad you work here, sweetheart.

267. Come on, guys. Who put you up to this?

268. As for me, I caught my culprit

269. because he made the classic mistake of returning

270. to the scene of the crime,

271. and all because I, too,

272. had been eating Turk's special homemade brownies.

273. Angie, my buddy down in the lab,

274. just told me that your urinalysis came back positive

275. for the birth control pill.

276. So, I will be taking one of these.

277. - Thank you. - Damn it.

278. Keith, look at me.

279. Did he specifically tell you to disregard my orders?

280. Oh, what the hell?

281. I was doing this and mouthing, "I'll kill you,"

282. which I will if you don't get out of here.

283. Go on. Get.

284. I saw it first.

285. Long day.

286. Newbie, I did tell them to ignore you

287. and let Mr. Kellerman get worse and you want to know something?

288. I'd do it again.

289. Bye, Elliot.

290. Look, I know I agreed to have a baby,

291. but you were offering sex at the time.

292. I would have agreed to anything.

293. Carla, no.

294. No!

295. She knows I can't eat without my strawberry milk.

296. You should have just let her fork me!

297. I think that's how you got into trouble in the first place.

298. - Whassup? - Euphemism 5.

299. His vocabulary's gotten so much better.

300. - Elliot, why are you here? - Oh.

301. I have to make Kelso think I still work here

302. so he doesn't have me arrested for stealing medical supplies.

303. By the by, what would you have done

304. if you couldn't give Carla the pill?

305. Would have faked it.

306. - Guys can't fake it. - Really?

307. Does this sound familiar?

308. Ohh. Oh, baby, we're going all night. No, wait! Don't move!

309. Sorry.

310. Way too familiar.

311. - Hey. - Thank you.

312. You know what I've been doing?

313. I mean, besides listening to my Alanis Morrisette CD

314. to get pumped up to talk to you. Here.

315. - Yep. - I've been thinking

316. about how completely ridiculous it is

317. that you would take Mr. Kellerman's life

318. into your hands without talking to him.

319. - Well, I did talk to him. - He did.

320. Patients who stay low on the heart transplant list die waiting for one.

321. This way, he moves up to the top of the list. Come on.

322. Then why didn't you tell me?

323. Because you're an attending now,

324. and that doesn't just mean a fat bank account,

325. expensive new toys, and a fancy lawyer

326. on retainer for when you kill a prostitute.

327. From now on, the buck stops with you,

328. and I know that you have occasionally bent the rules

329. in this dump over the last couple of years,

330. but you only did it because you knew when the crap started raining down,

331. it was damn sure gonna fall on my head.

332. But now the only way for you to stay out of a trouble storm

333. is for you to go by the book, and I got news for you on that front.

334. By-the-book attendings kill us up here.

335. Maybe I couldn't tell you about Kellerman

336. 'cause I don't know what type of attending you're gonna be.

337. Allow me to thank you for giving me the opportunity to prove myself.

338. You know what? This is my last one. Here. Take it.

339. Whatever happens to this poor guy is on you.

340. The next morning was not good.

341. Carla was not talking to Turk,

342. Elliot had dropped by to help not talk to Turk,

343. and I was sneaking out in my undies

344. because my clothes were downstairs in the dryer.

345. - J.D.? - Morning, friends.

346. Who's ready for some java?

347. Are you wearing boxers?

348. Yes, I am, Carla, because I know when Turk's sad,

349. he likes me to come over in my boxers

350. because he likes to call me his honky Adonis,

351. and that's what friends do.

352. - Ehh. - Ehh.

353. They bought it? Are we that gay?

354. What's that?

355. Oh, it's my new driving sock. You can borrow.

356. Actually, J.D.'s been living here secretly.

357. - Turk, why? - Because I gotta get those

358. damn judgmental eyes off me!

359. J.D. Didn't want to live here. I begged him.

360. Is that true?

361. I didn't say that. J.D. can do my voice.

362. Hey, it's gettin' good.

363. Oh, thank you. Ah, I lost it.

364. Oh, you three are ridiculous.

365. Hey, I'm just here to grab a ride to work.

366. At a hospital where you don't actually work. And you?

367. How am I supposed to tell you

368. I might not be ready to have a baby when you're so excited?

369. And you secretly moving back in here?

370. Now, I really don't love being den mother to you three.

371. Fine. It's like crack to me. Still, let me ask you something.

372. Why are you three so afraid of moving on?

373. Dude, you're still eating those brownies.

374. I don't wanna get pregnant. Shoot.

375. So you're going to a university for a transplant.

376. Well, come back and see us, ok?

377. Who the hell is responsible for not treating that man?

378. Well, Bobbo, I was going to treat him,

379. - but I lost my stethoscope and— - He's my patient, Bob.

380. I'm responsible.

381. Dr. Dorian, I kept my mouth shut

382. about all the recent sexual harassment complaints

383. because I don't think it's fair to punish a man for making small talk

384. or, say, asking his secretary just once

385. to dress up as a geisha girl and call him Kelso-San.

386. - What? - Nothing.

387. But now I need to know,

388. is this the type of attending you're going to be?

389. I guess so.

390. Anything else?

391. I could tell him there's nothing in my cup

392. and I'm just pretending to drink to seem nonchalant...

393. No.

394. But instead I was thinking

395. about what Carla said about moving on,

396. and I wasn't the only one.

397. Well, at least there's one attending around here I can count on.

398. Ah, the hell with it, Bob. I don't work here.

399. - Have a good one. - I hate this place.

400. It hates you, Bob.

401. That's it.

402. All my birth control pills are gone.

403. Not exactly.

404. That fig Newton you're about to eat

405. is not only fat-free, but it's baby-free.

406. I just don't get it, Turk.

407. Look, we've had sex 20 times in 8 days,

408. and I bet it's because you sensed my hesitance.

409. I just want a baby so badly.

410. Why?

411. What's it gonna be like having a baby?

412. Dr. Cox says it's like having a dog that slowly learns how to talk.

413. Awesome.

414. Right. And I come from a big family, and I love that.

415. - Me, too. - And every time we sit

416. at the kitchen table, I feel like someone's missing.

417. I can see him.

418. - J.D.! - Gonna make a quick twosie.

419. This explains a lot.

420. Hey! Meet your volleyball team.

421. They're terrible.

422. Newbie, I heard your voice.

423. Thanks for nothin', ass-face.

424. I'm gonna go ahead and give you back one of these man cards.

425. - You deserve it. - Wow.

426. Want a hug?

427. You held on to it as long as you could, didn't you?

428. I'm gonna have a good year, aren't I?

429. Anything can happen.

430. - And I knew he was right. - Excuse me.

431. Aah!

432. For all of us.

433. Dr. Reid, are you joining us for lunch today?

434. Ahh. Anyone want half a tofu cheese sandwich?

435. Now repeat after me.

436. Boy, boy, boy. Very tall boy.

437. Boy, boy, boy. Very tall boy.

438. - Boy, boy. - Boy, boy.

439. - Very tall boy. - Very tall...

440. Good night, Keith.

441. Hey, keep your head up. You're doing a good job.

442. Thanks for everything, Dr. Dorian.

443. - Who am I? - Aah!