Scrubs 4x9

1. (Doug) Hey, J.D. Just preppin' Mr. Hovey for brain surgery.

2. Doug, Mr. Hovey's havin' rotator cuff surgery.

3. What'd you do to my hair?

4. Nothin'.

5. Cool half-fro.

6. What?

7. Oh, thank god.

8. (J.D.) It's a good thing he couldn't go left.

9. Because the last thing you need in the I.C.U.,

10. is someone flyin' off the handle.

11. Shore it up, people. Neena Broderick's in the building.

12. We're all going to die! (gasps emotionally)

13. (J.D.) As tactless as it was to yell that

14. in a room full of very sick people,

15. Ted had a point.

16. See, Neena Broderick is the scariest

17. malpractice attorney in the city.

18. She seemed to create problems where there were none.

19. Grandma was 102. It was her time to go.

20. You killed her, and you're gonna pay for it!

21. Shape this place up,

22. and for god's sakes, get Murphy outta here.

23. Don't worry, Doug. You're a good doctor.

24. - I know. - Aah!

25. Hurry!

26. Uh!

27. Aaahhh!

28. Uh!

29. How long do I have to stay up here?

30. Just until I finish pretending to read the newspaper.

31. Hmm. Apparently there was some sort of election held recently.

32. (J.D.) Or we could just ask him to leave.

33. Uh. Come on, Doug. Let's go get some coffee.

34. Ms. Broderick.

35. Bob.

36. Oh, hi, Ted. How's your wife doing?

37. Oh, that's right. I forgot. You freeze up around me. Okay.

38. Well, I'll see you in court on the 18th.

39. (J.D.) Ted's possum-like defense mechanism

40. was actually quite brilliant.

41. Hello, Neena. We got divorced, actually.

42. I'll see you in court on the 18th!

43. (J.D.) Everybody around here had the sense to stay under the radar

44. when Neena Broderick was around.

45. Well, almost everybody.

46. (whistles) I'm on a scavenger hunt,

47. and I need to find a black-haired, soulless bottom feeder.

48. - Oh. Hi, Neena. - How ironic.

49. Because what I need is a burned-out, permed-up doctor

50. with a god complex and a drinking problem.

51. Don't listen to her. Most guys would kill for those curls.

52. Straighten up, newbie, and I mean that in every sense of the word.

53. This woman is pure molten evil.

54. Got it.

55. How do you even look at yourself in the mirror

56. knowing that you are ruining American medicine?

57. Frivolous lawsuits scare prospective...

58. Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

59. Don't you even feel the least bit—

60. Shh. Perry,

61. if you want me to shed a tear

62. about the current status of our medical system,

63. I'm gonna have to borrow a scalpel

64. and dig it deep into my arm.

65. Because here's a secret...

66. (whispers) I don't care about anything that you think about. Anything.

67. Oh, ho, ah.

68. J.D., big news.

69. Guess what my new cell phone number spells.

70. Why'd you get a new cell phone number?

71. Your old number spelled "kfnmpah."

72. Yeah, well, this one's 916 "call Turk."

73. Yeah, so now all you gotta do is "call Turk."

74. How am I supposed to remember that?

75. I'm begging you, stick with "kfnmpah."

76. Come on, man. This is the best thing that's ever happened to me

77. besid-es getting married. - She's not here.

78. It's the best thing that's ever happened to me!

79. But "call Turk" is 8 numbers.

80. I know. Actually, it's just "call tur."

81. But I'm hoping people will dial the "k" anyway.

82. I'll always dial the "k" for you.

83. You're a good friend, and that is why I did this for you.

84. No, wait. There's more.

85. - Ha. Awesome. - Oh, no, no, no. It's not over yet.

86. So you're the one.

87. Ha. Come here, you big brown bear.

88. Ha!

89. (J.D.) And just like that, it turned into a great day.

90. I'll take the lead on this one. He's all yours.

91. Mr. Steel, first name "man of."

92. You're done. Mr. Steel, you passed out.

93. So we're gonna go ahead and watch you closely for arrhythmia.

94. But we don't foresee any big problems.

95. Hi, daddy.

96. I gotta go.

97. If I'm around that sea hag

98. for more than 10 seconds,

99. my throat closes up.

100. Page me if you need me.

101. Need you? Perry, please, I got this one.

102. Are you Dr. Dorian?

103. (whispers) She was all over me.

104. I have a few questions about my father.

105. Your father has syncopy in—

106. Per. I'm back in. You see, Neena,

107. the heart is like a big, inflatable house.

108. Now, on the bottom floor are these 2 rooms or ventricles.

109. Now, these ventricles or "rooms..."

110. Syncopy in the setting of severe LV systolic dysfunction

111. indicates a high risk of arrhythmia.

112. So the best course of action

113. would probably be an implantable defibrillator.

114. I'm a medical malpractice attorney,

115. and I am much... Much smarter than you.

116. There are, like, "rooms."

117. (Perry) Okay, missy,

118. knowing damn sure that you'll sue us

119. if the slightest thing should go wrong

120. with this elective procedure,

121. we're gonna go ahead and elect not to do it.

122. You can't do that.

123. Really? Bob!

124. Hospitals can refuse treatment on a non-emergency patient.

125. Here's a list of places we can refer you to.

126. Thanks for playing.

127. Give that a good look.

128. Like I said... Rooms.

129. What kind of person would do something like this?

130. That's a very unfortunate hand placement for you.

131. This is a very common hand size.

132. Gotta go.

133. Yeah, and Kelso wants me to keep hiding Doug

134. until that attorney leaves. Isn't that ridiculous?

135. Elliot, the man tried to electrocute me an hour ago.

136. All I care about is whether or not this twitch goes away.

137. You should take Doug down to the morgue.

138. The worst he could do there is bring somebody back to life. Ha ha.

139. Carla, when I became chief resident,

140. I wrote a pledge to myself.

141. - And you know what it said? - Mm-mmm.

142. It said, "dance like nobody is watching."

143. Which I do constantly in my living room

144. with the shades closed just in case somebody is watching.

145. But it also said not to hide problems away.

146. So, no. I'm not gonna go and hide Doug down in the morgue.

147. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to give this to someone

148. or if I took this from someone.

149. But I got a bag of blood.

150. So, Doug, this the morgue.

151. Hmm. That's cute, the little toe tag—

152. like a present.

153. Mr. Korman, a nurse said this was a full-on emergency.

154. I just came from the courts.

155. It's been 6 weeks since you did my shoulder surgery,

156. and my serve still has no pop, no zip, I tell ya.

157. You have to understand

158. that this is a healing process.

159. Who invited nurse twitchy?

160. Okay, Mr. Korman, for the...

161. How many visits is this?

162. - 27. - Okay, for the 27th time,

163. I'm gonna ask you to do your therapy and just be patient.

164. I have a singles match

165. against my mother on Monday.

166. I lose to her, I lose my pride.

167. I'm assuming these Q-tips are complimentary.

168. Dr. Dorian.

169. (J.D.) Okay, just stay calm. You can handle this.

170. She can't be that much of a ball-buster.

171. Uh!

172. - Uh! - Uh!

173. Dr. Dorian?

174. I'm wearing a cup.

175. Thanks for the crotch update.

176. Look. I'm just worried about my dad.

177. (J.D.) And that's when I saw her

178. for what she really was:

179. Just a patient's scared daughter.

180. Can somebody please talk to me?

181. Elliot, I know everyone thinks I'm this huge screw-up.

182. But I just want you to know that I'm gonna turn it around.

183. Doug, this is a quarantined area!

184. It's okay, Doug. You probably just didn't see the signs.

185. Signs?

186. Oh, man, I'm hopeless.

187. Come on, Doug. Yeah.

188. Hey, sorry again, guys. My bad.

189. Get outta here! Get out!

190. - What an idiot! - Hey, calm down.

191. You calm down.

192. Oh, yeah?

193. Aah!

194. I thought that we could head over to my tennis club.

195. I'll show you what's going on with my serve.

196. Can you hop a tall fence? I'm a little behind on my dues.

197. Sure, a black guy breaking into a country club.

198. Hmm. Nothing bad could happen there.

199. Yeah, fine. Okay.

200. I'll go practice. I'll tell you how it went.

201. - Just give me your cell phone number. - All right, that's it. Look, Mr. Korman,

202. I will see you whenever I have office hours.

203. But I will not see you outside of this hospital,

204. and there is no way that I would ever

205. give you my cell phone number,

206. no matter how awesome or perfect it may be.

207. Are we clear on that?

208. Yes, doctor.

209. Maybe it's just me,

210. but I wouldn't put up with that.

211. I'm listenin'.

212. I gotta tell ya, sittin' here watchin' you play with your food

213. makes it seem much less horrifying.

214. Oh, I know how I come off.

215. You know, but I have to put that act on for my job.

216. It's kind of like how you act all nerdy and spastic

217. to seem more accessible to your patients.

218. I'm glad you got that.

219. You're sweet.

220. (J.D.) Oh, my god, is she flirting with me?

221. Oh, my god. Am I flirting with you?

222. (J.D.) Oh, my god. Is she psychic?

223. You must think I'm such a mess.

224. I don't even know how to flirt.

225. Oh, come on, it's easy. I'll tell you what.

226. Take some of that cupcake frosting

227. and just lick it off your finger.

228. You mean... like this?

229. I think that was mashed potatoes.

230. (J.D.) Wait, is she into me?

231. Quick, make a bad joke and see if she laughs.

232. Did you hear the one about the skeleton

233. who couldn't go to the party?

234. He had no body to go with.

235. (laughs) That's really funny.

236. (J.D.) Well, that's not a fair test. That joke's hilarious.

237. Still, right then, I decided something.

238. Listen, I know you hate everything about Ms. Broderick.

239. But her father is in need of medical care,

240. and it is our moral obligation to treat him,

241. whether his daughter is a murderer

242. or a drug addict or a terrorist.

243. I know. But a lawyer?

244. Even a lawyer. That's what we do.

245. Who taught you this crap?

246. (J.D.) It's nice to have the right answer to a tough question.

247. - You did. - Oh.

248. (J.D.) It's definitely better than having no answer at all.

249. Elliot, do you think I should even be a doctor?

250. Not at dinner.

251. Baby, if you call Turk, you get Turk.

252. You got Turk.

253. (J.D.) If you do answer,

254. you'd better be prepared for the worst.

255. (Mr. Korman on phone) Hi. Do you have a sec?

256. Who gave you this number?

257. He did.

258. I'm not gonna lie to you there, newbie. You really impressed me

259. by parodying my ethical speech back there.

260. What the hell got into you?

261. (J.D.) As for me, I didn't have to say anything, and he knew.

262. Oh, Priscilla, you are so busted.

263. (J.D.) Damn it. He sees like a hawk.

264. So now what, she just bats her eyes, and you change your tune?

265. Who in the hell am I kidding?

266. Of course you fell for her act.

267. You're the loneliest guy in this hospital.

268. Oh, no. He's not the loneliest guy.

269. That's the loneliest guy. Watch this.

270. Excuse me.

271. Mmm...

272. Neena played you like the proud owner

273. of the world's longest dry streak.

274. You know what? Can I ask you a personal question?

275. Exactly how long has it been since you've swiped the stuffed animals off your bed,

276. thrown your ankles up in the air,

277. and thanked whatever god you pray to

278. that you didn't have on your granny panties?

279. For your information, there's a certain foxy nurse

280. that requested my services at her apartment just last weekend.

281. (J.D.) Hold on. I'm almost there.

282. Okay, your new bed's all in.

283. What now?

284. You leave.

285. I still don't understand why he couldn't do it.

286. All right. Even if I am a little desperate,

287. Neena was not playing me.

288. I was playing you.

289. You're just saying that because he's here.

290. No, I manipulated you.

291. You're just saying that because he's here.

292. Okay, we seem to be in a bit of a loop here,

293. so I'm just gonna step over and talk to this one.

294. Are you gonna do the procedure on my father or not?

295. I'm gonna go ahead and leave this decision up to the lonely guy.

296. What are you doing here?

297. Ah. Hiding from Doug.

298. He asked me a question I haven't answered yet. You?

299. I was tryin' to make a dramatic exit.

300. I thought this was a patient's room.

301. Right.

302. What are they doing here?

303. This is a hospital. He should really have his shirt on.

304. Yeah.

305. Dynamite areolas, though, huh?

306. (whistles) Hey, night school.

307. Mr. Korman followed us home last night.

308. How'd you get my cell phone number?

309. Eh, once you've got somebody's driver's license and a urine sample,

310. you can get just about anything.

311. How do you flunk eighth grade gym?

312. You'd better stop messing with my husband.

313. Tell him to stop messin' with my walls!

314. You did this?

315. Baby, you know you're my world.

316. I'm out.

317. I flunked gym, too.

318. Didn't like the shorts.

319. By the way, your number isn't "call Turk." It's "call tur."

320. It'd be easier if your name was Cal Turk.

321. There's nobody named Cal Turk.

322. Cal Turk here. We don't sell insurance.

323. We sell peace of mind...

324. But only to white people.

325. Would you like some milk?

326. Carla, have you seen Ms. Broderick?

327. Maybe you should ask Ted.

328. - So she's nearby. - Mm-hmm.

329. Your father's gonna be just fine.

330. The place is topnotch. I practically live here.

331. Are you a doctor?

332. Massive hypochondriac. If you'll excuse me,

333. I have to go harass a surgeon.

334. If you've come to tell me your decision about my father, just say it and leave.

335. Look, your little ice show doesn't work on me, okay?

336. I've seen the real you. You can't even flirt.

337. Oh, really?

338. Why are you doing this?

339. I love my dad. I'd do anything.

340. But if it makes you feel any better, I think you're really sweet.

341. How am I supposed to believe that?

342. Well, you can't. I already lied to you once.

343. So the trust is broken even though I'd never lie to you again.

344. - Really? - Who knows?

345. Look, do whatever you think is right,

346. regardless of how I feel about you.

347. And if it helps you out, I'm not the least bit interested.

348. (J.D.) Like that matters. I'm not that lonely.

349. - Mmm... - Mmm...

350. (J.D.) When you're faced with a big decision,

351. sometimes you need to be alone with your thoughts.

352. Of course, in a hospital, that's a problem.

353. See, around here, places to be alone are hard to come by.

354. How do I decide if we should do the procedure or not?

355. How do I tell someone he shouldn't be a doctor?

356. How do I get my patient to stop stalking me?

357. (man) How do I get these people to realize

358. that just because I'm in a coma doesn't mean I can't hear them?

359. I'm hungry.

360. Turk, the way I see it, you got 2 options.

361. You can go hard-core Mr. Korman—

362. slap a restraining order on him and switch him to another doctor.

363. The guy's a pain in the ass, but I can't do that to him.

364. Then you just have to re-establish your boundaries

365. and wean him off the home visits. It's easy. Of course,

366. you'll have to change your cell phone number.

367. Mr. Korman, I've filed a restraining order,

368. which means if you come to my house, call my cell phone—

369. Excuse me. I know what a restraining order is.

370. You act like I've never dated.

371. Good-bye, Mr. Korman.

372. (J.D.) Turk's incredible selfishness

373. in sacrificing a patient to keep his cell phone number

374. motivated Elliot and I to do the right thing.

375. - Do the procedure. - Okay.

376. (J.D.) Even if the right thing is really hard.

377. Doug, I'm sorry, but...

378. I don't think you're cut out for being a doctor.

379. Wow.

380. I cannot figure out how this guy died.

381. I'm betting he took a paracentesis needle to the aorta.

382. Have you seen this before?

383. Seen it? Upstairs, they call that a "Doug."

384. You got any others you can't figure out?

385. Doctor-prescribed overdosage of fentanyl.

386. Dissected left main during a cardiac catheterization.

387. We look under Mr. Pancreas...

388. And... there it is.

389. - Ah! - He's the best I've ever seen.

390. Mind if we steal him from you?

391. I can live with it.

392. Well... my work here is done.

393. I'll get those. (chuckles, clears throat uncomfortably)

394. So, my dad's gonna be okay?

395. He's great.

396. Thank you.

397. And I hope I didn't ruffle your feathers too much while I was here.

398. Sweetheart, I find it amusing that you think

399. you're so much as a blip on my radar.

400. You ought to go out and jot this down

401. in your little lawyer notebook:

402. Nothing you could possibly do could ever,

403. hee-hever, get... to me.

404. I should probably thank him, too.

405. Oh... my god.

406. I'm gagging and vomiting at the same time. I'm...

407. I'm gavomiting.

408. You know, if you really want to piss him off,

409. we should follow him to his office and just have sex right in front of him.

410. Ahh, that would never work. I couldn't perform. It's a mentor thing.

411. Okay. Thank you.

412. Okay, I'm confused. I thought you weren't interested in me.

413. Maybe I just said that to make it easier for you.

414. Or maybe I said it 'cause I knew you'd do what I wanted you to.

415. I'm not sure yet.

416. (J.D.) As I stood there confused

417. but enjoying Neena's very long kiss

418. with just the right amount of tongue,

419. I thought about how when you make tough decisions, good things can happen.

420. Like the confidence you can gain

421. from finding your true calling.

422. Hey, Nelson. Got some of your handiwork down in the morgue today.

423. You operating with a blindfold on or what?

424. (J.D.) And when you make decisions for the wrong reasons,

425. they can come back to bite you in the ass.

426. 10 feet, Mr. Korman!

427. No problem. I'm suing you.

428. (Turk) Dude, Mr. Korman is suing me,

429. and that Ice Princess is his attorney!

430. When did he get a chance to meet her?

431. What am I gonna do? "Call Turk" as soon as you get this.

432. Are you coming in or what?

433. (J.D.) In the end, it's always best

434. to rely on your principles to make decisions.

435. Hell, yeah.

436. (operator) Message deleted.