Scrubs 4x7

Directed by Joanna Kerns

Sam Lloyd as Ted Buckland • Gabrielle Allan as Glenda • Tiffany Cade as Mary • Mercy Malick as Contortionist • Yosemite Stokesberry as Hell's Angel

When J.D. finds Dan with Elliot, Turk tells him to use the hurt brother excuse to get them to break up, just like Turk uses his diabetes to get stuff from Carla. But then J.D. realizes he wasn't hurt at all... Dr. Cox and Dr. Kelso unite to try and torment their common enemy: Dr. Clock.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. - (buzz) - Dammit!

2. Brain freeze is too hard.

3. I knew I should have gone for funny bone.

4. Step aside.

5. (J.D.) One thing I've learned is to never play operation

6. against a surgeon for money.

7. 8 seconds.

8. Is that a new record, baby?

9. That depends. What are we talking about?

10. Haaaa.

11. - Let's play again. - No.

12. Oh, come on. If you do, I promise that every time I hit the buzzer,

13. I'll act like I'm getting electrocuted. Like this.

14. That's awesome, but no.

15. My blood sugar's a little low.

16. You want a cookie?

17. (J.D.) Turk's blood sugar was low because he has type-two diabetes

18. and hasn't figured out his medication yet.

19. Mmm. Mulattos.

20. They're milanos, you idiot.

21. I always thought that was a little bigoted for a cookie.

22. (J.D.) Cookie racism aside, I had bigger problems.

23. It had been 3 weeks since our dad died,

24. and my brother Dan was still staying with me.

25. Hi. Nothing like a little time off

26. to remind you how hard you've been working, huh?

27. You bartend 3 shifts a week.

28. 2. They docked me one for doinking the jello-shot girl.

29. Hey.

30. Hey. Sorry I'm late.

31. (J.D.) Since I had dumped Elliot and broke her heart,

32. she couldn't really be there for me.

33. But thankfully, she was there for my brother.

34. You doing okay?

35. - I am now. - (clinks bottles)

36. You know, without Elliot,

37. I never would have gotten through my dad's death.

38. - Our dad's death. - Right. Air hockey?

39. Yes.

40. (J.D.) Oh, hello.

41. Women are checking me out lately.

42. Was it the 10 push-ups I've been cranking out every other Sunday? Perhaps.

43. More likely it was the pledge I made not to date anyone until Elliot did.

44. See, since then, the gals have been all over me.

45. Can I buy you a drink?

46. I'm sorry, sugar. The store's closed.

47. (J.D.) They've been all over.

48. Very impressive, but I'm sorry.

49. You have some gum on your shoe.

50. Oh.

51. Dr. Clock, do you have a minute?

52. Sure. I was just talking to Dr. Bromberg about switching shifts

53. so I can go to Mexico for my mom's wedding.

54. I am so psyched.

55. She is getting married to this guy

56. that has been like a father to me since I was this big.

57. Actually, maybe I was this big.

58. How tall was I in fourth grade?

59. It's a mystery.

60. Now, our old hospital psychiatrist

61. used to write my wife Enid a prescription for crazy pills.

62. He was a dear, dear friend,

63. but he died or moved or something,

64. and now I need you to do the honors.

65. Have her come in for a few sessions.

66. I'll gladly prescribe anti-depressants.

67. - That's going to be a problem. - Why?

68. She doesn't know she's taking them.

69. (J.D.) The key to sleeping in the on-call room

70. is to block out the noises around you,

71. like snoring, teeth grinding, or even...

72. (woman) Ooh.

73. (J.D.) On-call room nookie.

74. Hello, my old friend. How I've missed you.

75. (woman) That feels good.

76. (J.D.) Yes, it does.

77. (man) Ooh.

78. (J.D.) Time out. Male moaning. Party's over.

79. Hey!

80. Whoa!

81. Hey, little brother.

82. You know, on The Sopranos,

83. if a guy caught his brother with his ex-girlfriend,

84. he's just rub his ass out.

85. Oh, believe you me, the second I get Dan alone,

86. there's gonna be some serious ass rubbing.

87. I shouldn't smack-talk.

88. Hey, you mind if I join you guys?

89. I think the question you should be asking is

90. "mind if I diddle your ex?"

91. Oh, and just a great big congratulations on your ongoing streak

92. of being the world's worst older brother.

93. Thanks, Coxie.

94. (J.D.) I knew it was my turn to let Dan have it,

95. but for some reason, I really wasn't that mad.

96. - Listen, Dan— - J.D., let me explain.

97. I came to the hospital to see you,

98. and then I ran into Elliot and it just happened.

99. - It was a one-time thing. - I'm okay with it.

100. Great. 'Cause it's been going on for a few weeks.

101. Elliot's amazing.

102. Smart, funny, hot.

103. I was in a dark place, and she saved me. She really did.

104. I haven't felt this good since my dad died.

105. - Our dad. - Right.

106. Hold up.

107. When Carla and I came home yesterday,

108. we heard something.

109. Did you two hook up in J.D.'S room?

110. A friend wouldn't ask, and a gentleman wouldn't tell.

111. - Did you? - Twice.

112. We didn't go under the sheets out of respect.

113. How thoughtful.

114. I'm so sorry you lost your grandmother.

115. Our prayers go out to you and your family.

116. Thank you, doctor. That's very kind.

117. That'll be $1,700.

118. Sir—sir?

119. It is not your job to collect money from patients.

120. I know, but I just fired the woman who usually does it.

121. You fired Glenda? Why?

122. Oh, how precious.

123. Mind if I hold him?

124. Go right ahead.

125. I finally got a baby!

126. She was stealing from the hospital.

127. Oh, Dr. Clock.

128. Uh, look, I'm afraid I wasn't being honest with you before.

129. In my job, it seems like I'm always the bad guy.

130. Hard as this is to admit, it gets to me sometimes.

131. The point is...

132. The anti-depressants I asked you to prescribe

133. weren't for my wife, they were for me.

134. Oh, I understand.

135. So what dosage are you on?

136. (Enid) Where are my fig Newtons, Bob?

137. I'm getting them, dear.

138. About half a Newton.

139. No dice.

140. - Ugh. - Hey.

141. Boy, oh, boy, it looks like you pissed off the wrong guy there, crunchy.

142. And trust me, he'll make you pay.

143. Oh, Dr. Kelso's all bluster.

144. Underneath it all, I bet he's a sweetheart.

145. No, no, underneath it all,

146. he is pure evil.

147. Perry, no one's pure evil.

148. I mean, yes, some people have a hard outer shell,

149. but inside, everybody has a creamy center.

150. There are plenty of people here on this particular planet

151. who are hard on the outside and hard on the inside.

152. So they have more of a nougatey center?

153. Lady, people aren't chocolates.

154. Do you know what they are mostly?

155. Bastards.

156. Bastard-coated bastards with bastard filling.

157. But I don't find them half as annoying

158. as I find naive bubble-headed optimists

159. who walk around vomiting sunshine.

160. I'm touching your creamy center.

161. Oh, I am so very angry

162. that I'm going to find someone to kill just to prove her wrong.

163. Why are you acting like that whole Dan and Elliot thing doesn't bother you?

164. Because it doesn't.

165. You're missing a great opportunity here, man.

166. If you act like it bothers you, Elliot will feel guilty,

167. and she'll finally forgive you for dumping her.

168. I'm telling you. You gotta use this like I use my diabetes.

169. Watch.

170. Honey, my blood sugar's dipping.

171. Don't move.

172. Thanks, sweetness.

173. Oh, my god. This could be my diabetes.

174. Exactly, but you gotta use it before that window closes.

175. Lucky for me, my diabetes window stays open 24/7.

176. Unless, god forbid, they find a cure.

177. Amen, brother.

178. Bye, folks.

179. You'll notice I knocked a hundred dollars off the bill

180. because of the, you know, baby stealing thing.

181. (J.D.) Turk was right.

182. Lying to Elliot was the perfect way

183. to get our friendship back to normal.

184. (shouting) Thanks for the loaner scooter, Johnny.

185. (shouting) I want to talk to you for a second.

186. Can you turn that thing off?

187. - Sorry. - (turns off engine)

188. - (all turn off engines) - Sorry!

189. Sorry.

190. Look, when I caught you two yesterday,

191. I didn't know what to say, but now I do.

192. You really hurt me.

193. Okey-dokey.

194. Guys! There are sick people trying to sleep!

195. J.D., are you really this upset?

196. How would you feel if I hooked up with one of your siblings?

197. A little confused considering I have 4 brothers...

198. But not surprised. At you or Barry.

199. (mouthing) Barry?

200. I guess I just didn't think I was doing anything wrong.

201. Well, obviously, you did,

202. or you would have told me about it from the beginning.

203. (J.D.) That one had to sting.

204. I really want to look back and see if it landed,

205. but I'll have to go back to sad face first.

206. Oh, it landed.

207. Dr. Clock, may I have a word?

208. Uh-oh. It's payback time.

209. I got you a present for your trip to Mexico.

210. It's my old Spanish-to-English dictionary.

211. I don't need it anymore. I've mastered the language.

212. Gracias, señor.

213. You're welcome-o.

214. You were right. Payback's a bitch.

215. Uhh! Uhh! Uhh! Uhh! Uhh!

216. Well, just get back to me when you have an answer.

217. Baby, check this out.

218. Dr. Kelso just offered me Glenda's old job as administrative supervisor.

219. Oh, that's great, sweetie.

220. The job pays an extra $7,000 a year.

221. My baby's an administrative supervisor!

222. Let's celebrate! Whatever you want.

223. Oh! Let's go shopping for a new duvet cover.

224. I'd love to,

225. but my diabetes is acting up.

226. Bob, we have a problem.

227. Not now, Perry. I'm swamped.

228. I'm trying to find an exterminator to kill the bat in my attic.

229. Be a man, Bob.

230. That's what tennis rackets are for.

231. Oh, good lord! He got Baxter!

232. Try telling that to my one-eared dog.

233. Bob, do you realize what you did by giving blondie that book?

234. With any luck, I kept her from reporting me to the board

235. for trying to con her out of meds.

236. Thanks to your little gesture,

237. she actually believes that the earth

238. is full of people who deep down

239. are filled with kindness and caring.

240. Why, that's absurd.

241. People are bastard-coated bastards with bastard filling.

242. Exactly.

243. Sweet Moses.

244. Everything has gone straight down the crapper

245. since Enid got off the anti-depressants.

246. I didn't know Enid suffered from depression.

247. She doesn't. Those pills kill her sex drive.

248. Oh.

249. Dude, your idea totally worked.

250. Incoming.

251. My own brother! Why?

252. Oh, god! It hurts so bad!

253. You can stop now. She's gone.

254. No, I think I broke my hand.

255. (J.D.) There's nothing more satisfying than having a good plan.

256. Good night, amigos.

257. - Night. - Night.

258. (J.D.) Sometimes a plan can crystallize in a moment.

259. What are we gonna do?

260. Let's destroy her.

261. (J.D.) And sometimes a plan can fall apart just as quickly.

262. Ahhhh. So when do you start your new job?

263. I turned it down.

264. What?

265. I know it's a dream job,

266. but with your diabetes,

267. I think you need me more.

268. (J.D.) Of course, in my plan, nobody gets hurt.

269. Hey, little brother.

270. Aah!

271. What are you doing back in the tub?

272. Elliot dumped me.

273. (J.D.) Except my brother.

274. Don't you think you're overreacting?

275. No, J.D., I don't. Because Elliot was the best thing

276. that ever happened to me, and now she's gone.

277. That's not even the right gibberish.

278. You know what, J.D.? Elliot and I were supposed to have

279. our big romantic evening together. Look at all this stuff.

280. I bought candles, champagne,

281. a Dido cd.

282. I guess I'll just throw these things out

283. with the rest of the garbage.

284. Oh, come on. Don't go.

285. We can watch Kangaroo Jack

286. and chug a fosters every time they say "g'day."

287. - G'day, J.D. - Dan!

288. (Australian accent) I said g'day!

289. Baby, you have to take this job.

290. Let it go. It's done.

291. - You okay? - No.

292. Sometimes I wish I'd never gotten this stupid diabetes.

293. Hey! Let's not get crazy.

294. Dear god. She has an actual skip in her step.

295. It doesn't bother me as much as the whistling.

296. Watch what happens.

297. Why are you whistling, Ted? Your life is pathetic.

298. Right.

299. Perry, what's our plan of attack?

300. When I crush a person's spirit,

301. I like to use a combination of intimidation and degradation.

302. I prefer to create an environment

303. in which the subjects end up crushing themselves.

304. I like to pick one person

305. and torment them relentlessly for no reason.

306. If I could find him, I'd show you.

307. He's near.

308. Well, I'm not sure moonbeam's going to break so easily.

309. I just wish we knew something personal that would really get to her.

310. Turns out you can't go to your mom's wedding.

311. There's too much shift switching going on here,

312. and I don't like shift switching.

313. It's too hard to say.

314. Aw. That wasn't very soft and creamy.

315. It's okay. He has a hospital to run.

316. I understand.

317. Good god. She can't be stopped.

318. Let me get this straight.

319. You want me to offer your wife the same job she's already turned down,

320. is that about the size of it, Turkelton?

321. Actually, sir, my last name isn't Turkelton.

322. It's just Turk, as in Chris Turk.

323. I prefer Turkelton.

324. Sir, I promise you, if you offer her the job again, she'll say yes.

325. And I'll do anything. I'll pick up extra shifts.

326. I'll volunteer—I'll volunteer at the clinic.

327. - Whatever you want. - Ah.

328. I want you to kill the giant bat

329. that's been living in my attic.

330. You keep Enid in the attic?

331. You make me laugh, Turkelton.

332. 8:00 sharp. I'd wear goggles.

333. Yes!

334. (J.D.) I decided the only way Elliot would take Dan back

335. was if she knew the truth:

336. That their being together didn't really bother me.

337. Elliot, we need to talk.

338. Nice jammies!

339. (laughs) Thanks. They're new.

340. This will only take a second. Look...

341. You know how I told you I was upset about you and Dan?

342. Is that champagne?

343. Yeah. Yeah, I was celebrating my new jammies.

344. I love champagne. You mind if I have a little—

345. Thank you. A nipper.

346. Ah. Tingly.

347. It's a tingly drink.

348. Ooh. Pretty candles.

349. Anywho, I know you broke up with Dan because you thought I was upset,

350. but in reality, I, uh—

351. I...

352. I love this song. Who is it?

353. Dido—and you've really got to meet my brother Barry.

354. Dido?

355. (Dan) Look at all this stuff I bought. Candles...

356. Champagne...

357. A Dido cd.

358. Dan!

359. Hey, little brother.

360. - Aah! - Aah!

361. Tingles.

362. - Carla, we have to talk. - Is it your blood sugar again?

363. I'll get you something.

364. Baby, I feel fine.

365. It's just that I've kinda been using my diabetes

366. to get you to, you know,

367. hook me up with sandwiches and whatnot.

368. I can't believe you!

369. Oh, man! I brought that from home!

370. Look, baby, before you get freaked out,

371. I fixed it already. Look.

372. Nurse Turkelton, I wanted to offer you that job once more.

373. I don't want it.

374. Great. See you Saturday, Batman.

375. Baby, what the hell?

376. Um, maybe I decided right away

377. that I didn't want that job

378. because I'd miss working with patients,

379. but I didn't tell you because you were excited about the extra money,

380. so I used your diabetes as an excuse.

381. I don't know. I don't really remember.

382. It tastes funny.

383. You see, Bob? It didn't even faze her.

384. Patience, Perry. With a tough one like her,

385. you have to wait for it.

386. Here it comes.

387. And we've broken her.

388. There sits a dejected woman, all alone.

389. - Wounded. - Vulnerable.

390. Crying.

391. She's ruining it for me.

392. Aw.

393. Lady, stop crying!

394. Dr. Clock, you don't have to miss your wedding.

395. I was lying about shift switching.

396. I like doing it. I like saying it.

397. Shift switching. And I only lied

398. because we were trying to destroy your morale.

399. Why would you do that?

400. In our defense, you're overly cheery, and we were bored.

401. But you thought it would be nice to come clean and make me feel better?

402. - Pretty much. - Pretty much, yeah.

403. See, I told you there was good in everyone.

404. If you'll excuse me, boys.

405. I've got a plane to catch.

406. Don't even pretend like you knew what we were doing all along.

407. Adios, boys.

408. Was she always wearing that big hat?

409. I can't believe you two never broke up.

410. Dan was in my tub for 4 hours

411. drinking beers and singing She's Gone.

412. How do you take a bath?

413. Okay. I'm gonna get dressed.

414. Hey, Elliot, do you mind if I borrow one of your socks?

415. I seem to have lost my righty in the fray.

416. Oh, there you are, high flyer.

417. (Sniffs) Hmm.

418. J.D., Dan and I both know this is just a fling.

419. Still, I feel like the worst person in the whole world.

420. Please, can you forgive me?

421. Elliot, I came here to tell you I was never actually mad at you.

422. How could you not be mad that I was hooking up with your brother?

423. I don't know. I just wasn't.

424. How could you hook up with my brother without considering my feelings?

425. I don't know. I just didn't.

426. (J.D.) That's when I realized that Elliot and I

427. had absolutely no romantic feeling for each other anymore...

428. No matter what the situation.

429. It was a little sad, but who knows?

430. Maybe it meant we could be friends again.

431. (Dan) Hey! I can't find my Dido cd!

432. (whispering) If my heart could write songs, they'd sound like these.

433. (J.D.) I think relationships are inherently fragile.

434. They can be strengthened by a shared excuse.

435. Turk, we just got invited to Linda's "Jack and Jill" bridal shower.

436. Do you mind if I use your diabetes to get out of it?

437. Of course not, baby.

438. And now...

439. It's bat-killing time.

440. Oh, good lord!

441. Aah!

442. (J.D.) Others can be torn apart

443. by the loss of a common enemy.

444. I hate you, Bob.

445. Same times a thousand, big guy.

446. Well, good night, little bro.

447. Oh, night, Dan. Sleep tight.

448. There's a bus schedule underneath your pillow.

449. (J.D.) And for Elliot and I,

450. turns out all we needed was a little time.

451. Night, J.D.

452. What was that for?

453. (J.D.) The good news was this Elliot and Dan thing

454. meant that I was back on the market.

455. Can I buy you a drink?

456. No, thanks.

457. (J.D.) Yep. I'm back, baby.

458. More nuts, please.