Scrubs 4x4

1. Well, now I am.

2. (J.D.) Being the new doctor at a hospital can be difficult.

3. That's why it's always nice when someone takes the time

4. to reach out and befriend you.

5. Hey, I'm Ron. I'm a new doctor here.

6. Yeah, Ron. The "I don't care ward" is down there.

7. (J.D.) Anyway, the person who reached out to Molly

8. was Elliot.

9. Hey, do you wanna go down to little Tokyo

10. and do karaoke with me tonight?

11. Do people with trichotillomania

12. compulsively pull their hair out?

13. - Do they? - Yeah.

14. Cool. 'Cause inviting you to karaoke's

15. kind of a big deal to me.

16. I'm a little shy about my 'aoke.

17. I'm sure you have nothing to be embarrassed about.

18. Oh, I don't know. I'm pretty tone deaf.

19. And I do these, like, kick moves

20. that I don't think people really get.

21. Plus I sometimes wear a cape.

22. Eh, it's probably all in my head. Ha.

23. (J.D.) It's not.

24. Ooh, Dr. Cox, can I ask you something?

25. The answer is: "Yes, it was me

26. who saw you doing leg lifts in the gym

27. on that inflatable ball."

28. It was quite the display of girl power.

29. Absolutely loved the leg warmers.

30. First of all, they were just big socks, okay?

31. And secondly, if you need to do some laundry,

32. here's the washboard, right?

33. What do you want?

34. As co-chief resident,

35. I've noticed that some of my residents are a little overwhelmed,

36. and I think it would be nice if you gave 'em

37. one of your patented pep talks, you know?

38. I'll be more than glad to give your residents a little pep talk.

39. Each and every one of you is going to kill a patient.

40. At some point during your residency,

41. you will screw up, they will die,

42. and it will be burned into your conscience forever.

43. Hell, take pee pads here.

44. Pee pads.

45. He just might go ahead and get himself

46. a good clean kill this morning

47. seeing as his patient Mrs. Sampson is in dka

48. and he hasn't been tracking her phosphate level.

49. Her phosphate level. Her phosphate level.

50. Doug! Stop writing and go!

51. That young man has killed so many patients,

52. I'm starting to think he just might be a government operative.

53. The point is, the harder you study

54. the longer you just might be able to hold off that first kill.

55. Other than that, I guess, cross your fingers

56. and hope that the guy you murder

57. is a jackass with no family.

58. Great to see you kids. All the best.

59. Thank you. Thank you, Dr. Cox.

60. Okay, you guys, pizza and punch in the penthouse.

61. Doug!

62. Wrong patient. One bed over.

63. Hey, there.

64. This is, like, my eleventh slice.

65. Cannonball this.

66. Mmm.

67. That's the good stuff.

68. So anyway, after Dr. Cox scared them,

69. no one wanted pizza or punch

70. except for Doug who had worked up a hearty appetite

71. neglecting Mrs. Sampson into a coma.

72. - (slurps) - Aah!

73. Turk, what is Rowdy doing in my closet?

74. He's guardin' your shoes, baby.

75. He almost gave me a heart attack.

76. Baby, could you do me a favor

77. and not hold him by the haunches like that?

78. Yeah, he has hip dysplasia.

79. He's a purebred. It's genetic.

80. I am sick of that creepy thing.

81. I want him out of my house.

82. Wow, isn't that a shocker?

83. You don't care about something that's important to me.

84. You know what? Why don't you just throw him out?

85. Don't listen to him. He's drunk on cheese.

86. And don't think Rowdy doesn't know what's going on here.

87. What's he gonna do?

88. Aah! Aah!

89. Easy, boy.

90. She ain't worth it.

91. So Mrs. Carter, it turns out your fever was just a reaction

92. to the anesthetic we gave you during your cataract surgery.

93. I'm sending you home.

94. Can I drive my trans am?

95. That's not up to me, Mrs. Carter.

96. That's up to the police and the owner of those horses you killed.

97. Oh, they were everywhere.

98. You were on a racetrack, Mrs. Carter.

99. Oh. Ooh.

100. I don't get why Turk was so upset about Rowdy.

101. I mean, he's just a creepy stuffed stupid yellow dead dog.

102. Too many adjectives?

103. Well, I'm sure he's more than a pet to Turk.

104. I mean, he's basically a link to his childhood.

105. He bought him 8 years ago at a garage sale.

106. Oh, well, then he's just a nutter butter.

107. Still, I think I really hurt his feelings.

108. Maybe you should do something nice for Rowdy

109. like get him cleaned.

110. Hmm.

111. Aah!

112. - Mm-mmm. - No.

113. Your sign doesn't say "live dog groomer."

114. (J.D.) As doctors, we always take patient's histories

115. even though there usually aren't a lot of surprises.

116. And, Mr. Phillips, do you exercise?

117. Do yoga every morning.

118. Oh, I can't do yoga.

119. All that deep breathing. I hate breathing.

120. (laughs) Except, you know, to live. Um, do you drink?

121. Occasional glass of wine with dinner.

122. And any drug use?

123. Been on and off heroin for the last 8 years.

124. But I've been clean for the last 6 months.

125. See? Look, no track marks.

126. Way to go, daddy.

127. (chuckles) He's my biggest fan.

128. Um, do you smoke cigarettes?

129. No way.

130. Of course not. Those things'll kill ya.

131. Mr. Daniels, some fluid has gathered near your heart.

132. So I'm gonna schedule a pericardiocentisis

133. and drain it with a needle.

134. Someone's gonna stick a needle in my chest?

135. Not just someone. Dr. De man.

136. Who's Dr. De man?

137. Say it—say it without the doctor.

138. - Who's Mr. De man? - No, just say the— the last name.

139. - Who's de man? - I'm de man!

140. That was awesome.

141. That was fun doing that with you.

142. (J.D.) All right. Now that you've got his confidence, drive it home.

143. So I'll go ahead and schedule the procedure.

144. If you think it's the right thing to do.

145. I do. Dr. Cox,

146. I wanna thank you for that "everyone's a murderer" speech.

147. Nice scare tactic.

148. Unfortunately, my residents have stopped eating.

149. That wasn't a scare tactic, Portia.

150. Eventually, everyone commits a sin of omission

151. or doesn't act quickly enough,

152. and somebody kicks the bucket.

153. It's really—it's really not a question of "if."

154. It's a question of "when."

155. (J.D.) It's strange. Even though a lot of patients have died under my care,

156. I don't think I've killed any of them.

157. Heaven's a diner?

158. Get anything you want, dear.

159. Ooh, maybe I'll have some flapjacks.

160. They don't have those.

161. No flapjacks in heaven? Are flapjacks evil?

162. Don't worry about it. Listen, dead people,

163. did any of you feel that I may have, you know,

164. killed you?

165. No.

166. I mean, you weren't a great doctor.

167. - He was nervous. - Oh, like a little bird.

168. But no, dear, you didn't kill any of us.

169. You know what?

170. I left my wallet back on earth.

171. Heard you're tryin' to clean a dead dog.

172. Yeah? Who told you that?

173. Mmm. The wind.

174. - Blonde doctor. - Oh.

175. I can clean it for you.

176. Why would you do that?

177. I don't know. I'm just a little drunk from breakfast.

178. Plus, taxidermy used to be kinda a hobby of mine, you know,

179. till the state took my license away.

180. How come?

181. What happened to all the cute little squirrels, Flo?

182. Let's call this meeting to order.

183. Uh, first things first.

184. I counted the ballots,

185. and, uh, someone voted twice.

186. Interesting. I'm not pointing fingers. Roy.

187. There were never any squirrels.

188. Turk, I've got this patient

189. who's got a damaged heart valve and needs a replacement.

190. Is he a good candidate for surgery?

191. Definitely. 35, married, good job, cute little boy,

192. great dog.

193. Can't remember what kind they said.

194. Long time recovering heroin addict.

195. A bulldog. That's what it was.

196. Named Paris after the city,

197. not the slutty socialite tramp.

198. He's a heroin addict?

199. Yeah, but he is, like, super serious about his sobriety.

200. I mean, he's been to rehab, like, 6 times.

201. Sounds like he needs to dial it up to super, duper serious, huh?

202. I'll tell him.

203. Look, Elliot, you know the chief of surgery

204. isn't gonna accept the surgical risk

205. of a valve replacement on someone who's just gonna destroy it with drugs.

206. Want some of my pancakes?

207. Uh, devil cakes? No, thank you.

208. Do you know that Dr. Cox is trying to convince me

209. that everyone eventually kills a patient?

210. But I haven't. I know you haven't.

211. Hell, yeah, I have.

212. Remember my first year, Mr. Quinn?

213. I forgot to write the order for his albumen drip

214. and he hemorrhaged and died.

215. You want your doughnut?

216. (J.D.) And it turned out Turk wasn't the only one.

217. Mmm. Mrs. Kahn, my second year.

218. Uh, Mrs. Studebaker, 40 minutes into my first day.

219. I've been a doctor for 30 years. What do you think?

220. On my third day, there was Mr. Kershnar.

221. Jenny Roth about 8 weeks ago.

222. It was really tough because she was hot.

223. And then later that third day... (pager beeps)

224. Oh, boy. That can't be good.

225. No, newbie, I have not killed.

226. But I happen to be, as always, the exception that proves the rule.

227. So right about now,

228. you gotta be asking yourself

229. do you think you're that good?

230. Ah.

231. Oh, my god. I'm gonna kill someone.

232. Anyway, because of the heroin use,

233. surgery doesn't wanna give Mr. Phillips a heart valve.

234. So now an ethics committee is gonna decide

235. if he gets the operation or not.

236. And I'm freakin' out because I've gotta go and argue his case.

237. Oh, my God. Is it already 2:00?

238. Oh, relax. That's Greenland time.

239. This way, I remember to call my mom on her vacation

240. before she goes on a boat.

241. On a boat?

242. Yeah, she's been sleeping with a commercial salmon fisherman.

243. How fun for her.

244. Look, I dealt with a lot of ethics committees

245. and you're gonna be great.

246. I mean, the key is to just be confident.

247. Well, I'm not.

248. I'll tell you what.

249. I'll go with you for moral support.

250. And then if things get dicey

251. 'cause it's just a bunch of stuffed shirts,

252. then we can make out, and I'll give you whatever you want.

253. What? I thought I heard something.

254. Good-bye, Todd.

255. Back to the transplant.

256. So who's even on an ethics committee?

257. Well, obviously higher ups. Um...

258. The chief of medicine...

259. A sharp legal mind...

260. And an older doctor with a wealth of experience.

261. If Edwards is dead, I want his cupcake.

262. Not yet.

263. (J.D.) As I was contemplating how easy it would be

264. to make my first fatal mistake,

265. I had a feeling that Mr. Daniels felt good about this procedure.

266. You know, I feel good about this procedure.

267. (J.D.) See?

268. Still, we all end up leaning on certain cliches

269. when making major decisions.

270. Like "don't jump off a bridge if you don't know how deep the water is."

271. This procedure's too risky right now, Mr. Daniels. I think we should wait.

272. (J.D.) And of course, the classic:

273. "No matter how clean the janitor gets your husband's dead dog,

274. you still need to put him in the trunk

275. and not accidentally leave him on the roof when you drive off..."

276. Aah!

277. (J.D.) And finally, the lesser known,

278. "You can accomplish anything with a friend by your side."

279. I understand that because of his drug problem

280. some of you don't think that Mr. Phillps is a good candidate for surgery.

281. But believe me, he understands that

282. this heart valve is a responsibility.

283. Those of you who have met him,

284. like Ted, can attest to this.

285. This is a very dicey case.

286. Ted, what do you think?

287. She knows my name. Whatever she wants.

288. Very ethical. Why don't I open the floor

289. to those people who currently do not have erections?

290. Dr. Clock, you think this guy will stay clean?

291. Oh, I'm just here as a friend. I think you should ask Ted again.

292. Oh, good god, she knows it, too. Am I awake?

293. Dr. Clock, Edwards here is, at best,

294. just a few minutes away from walking towards the light.

295. So what say you stop wasting our time

296. and give me your professional opinion?

297. (J.D.) Of course, sometimes, friends will surprise you.

298. Mr. Phillips' numerous relapses paint the picture of someone

299. who has not overcome his addiction.

300. So, no, I don't think he will.

301. Karaoke's so off.

302. Look, I know you're mad.

303. Why? Because you betrayed me? Betrayer.

304. I'm sorry. But when they asked me for my professional opinion, I had to give it.

305. Oh, I don't know. If you were a real friend,

306. you could have lied, kept your mouth shut, made out with me—

307. Any of the stuff that we talked about.

308. - Did I just hear? - Todd!

309. Look, I really wanna work this out.

310. But I have to see this schizophrenic patient. It's already 6:00.

311. No, Molly, it's 3:00.

312. You're still on stupid Greenland time.

313. Oh, shoot. I forgot to call my mom and Yergi.

314. (J.D.) I know I bailed on Mr. Daniels,

315. but the whole having not killed thing got in my head.

316. Still, no one will notice.

317. Ah, Kiki Dee.

318. I heard Mr. Daniels isn't getting his pericardiocentisis. Since when?

319. (J.D.) Now you're gonna lie here. Don't be too specific.

320. Since 1:42 yesterday afternoon.

321. His wife did not want him to do it.

322. She's beautiful, by the way.

323. One green eye, one blue. She's from Luxembourg.

324. They're both from Luxembourg. I believe they're, uh, Luxembourgian.

325. Where in Luxembourg? I spent 2 weeks there.

326. (J.D.) What are the odds?

327. Just stay vague.

328. Uh, outside Mertert near the German border.

329. - Aha. - They say what they miss most

330. are those lazy summer afternoons on the Moselle river.

331. (J.D.) You are channeling that seventh grade book report.

332. Okay. Okay, then.

333. (J.D.) Bullet dodged. He totally bought it.

334. Hey, where's he taking me?

335. Mr. Daniels. We have rethought things

336. and decided that you should have that procedure.

337. Okay.

338. Well, now, that took quite a bit of cajoling.

339. But I think I was able to convince him.

340. (J.D.) That's okay.

341. 'Cause I wasn't the only one lyin' around here.

342. Hey, baby, I'm gonna head home and watch some television with Rowdy.

343. Rowdy? No! Um...

344. You shouldn't go home.

345. - Why? - I want you to go somewhere for me.

346. I want you to go to a strip club.

347. Okay.

348. Hey, Turk, can I talk to you for a second?

349. Can't talk now. Good stuff's happenin'.

350. - Can I talk to you for a second? - Don't care.

351. Where? Where am I gonna find a dead, stuffed yellow lab?

352. I can help.

353. No, you have work to do.

354. Let's go.

355. - No! - Okay.

356. I just needed to know where the line was.

357. (janitor) Well, hello.

358. Wrong place, wrong time, little buddy.

359. Fellas, I'd like you all to meet Kyle.

360. Welcome him. Treat him as a brother.

361. You'll enjoy it here. Any complaints, go to Dwayne.

362. Um, what do we got on the table?

363. Greg, may I run the meeting?

364. Is that cool? Okay.

365. Well, I guess I was a little more persuasive than I thought.

366. You got the heart valve!

367. Oh, that's amazing. We have to celebrate.

368. How do you celebrate without heroin?

369. Uh, with cake, mostly.

370. Then let's order some cake.

371. And Mr. Phillips, part of the deal here

372. is that you'll come back for the next 6 weeks for drug rehab.

373. Absolutely. Not a problem.

374. I'm real good at rehab.

375. But after that, I'm gonna move my family down to Florida.

376. - Start fresh. - Yeah.

377. Hey, did somebody page me?

378. I'm sorry I took so long. I was just eating lunch.

379. Oh, of course you were. It's 8:30 in the morning.

380. Just wanted to let you know that the committee voted in my favor.

381. - Congratulations. - Thank you.

382. Oh, I was congratulating Dean.

383. Uh, why?

384. He got a new heart valve.

385. Oh, right. She voted against you.

386. Can I talk to you outside?

387. Did you just page me so you could rub my face in this?

388. Yes. There's also a couple of messages on your home machine.

389. Look, Elliot, I hope I'm wrong, and I hope he stays clean.

390. Let's just not make this personal, okay?

391. Said the loser, ha ha, who lost.

392. Don't push me. 'Cause one of the reasons I became a therapist

393. is I've always been able to zero in on a person's greatest insecurity.

394. Oh, I'm real scared, Molly. Whatcha gonna do?

395. Eyebrows.

396. Eyebrows? Like that's gonna make you...

397. Elliot, come on. You can't be that insecure.

398. Giant Adam's apple.

399. I have to go.

400. (J.D.) Elliot's comment didn't bother me 'cause I'm proud of the body god gave me.

401. Besides, I had bigger problems.

402. I had to do Mr. Daniels' procedure.

403. Luckily, I'm a professional, and professionals finish the job.

404. This needle is too sticky. I'm out. Get it together, Laverne.

405. Hey, Peggy.

406. Yes, I noticed the turtleneck choice in August

407. and can only assume it's got something to do

408. with that grapefruit you store in your trachea.

409. Let me put your mind at ease.

410. - You've killed before. - Oh.

411. Do you remember Mrs. Carter?

412. Okay, bye-bye.

413. - (tires screech) - Whoo-hoo!

414. Oh, she died?

415. 3 days ago of endocarditis.

416. You didn't get blood cultures and you missed it.

417. You happy?

418. (J.D.) The weird thing was that I was a little happy.

419. Sticky needle, please.

420. Here you go, doctor.

421. Oh, by the way, when this is over,

422. (whispers) I'm kicking your ass.

423. (janitor) Psst.

424. Where's your husband?

425. - He isn't here. - Ruff ruff.

426. (gasps) You found Rowdy?

427. No, not Rowdy. This is Steven.

428. You know, Rowdy was 48 inches from snout to tail?

429. Steven's only 46 on a good day.

430. I think we're okay. Ha ha.

431. I got him off another taxidermy guy on the Internet.

432. Had to trade him my, uh, squirrel army.

433. Oh, I'm sorry you had to do that. But thank you.

434. Nah, everyone thinks squirrel armies are so great.

435. I'm not sure it's the healthiest habit in the world.

436. Thank you.

437. - Thank— - He likes to park.

438. Let it go. Okay.

439. Okay. (sniffs) Ooh.

440. It smells like Rowdy.

441. He's Steven.

442. (J.D.) Killing Mrs. Carter though admittedly bad for her,

443. was just the pick me up I needed.

444. I don't know how my car ended up in the community pool.

445. You must have lost control

446. after you went through the snack bar.

447. Ooh.

448. (J.D.) Mrs. Carter?

449. Ooh, did I trick newbie?

450. Ha ha. I did, didn't I?

451. And now, of course, he has to live in fear

452. of when he will kill. When? When? When, when, when, when, when, when?

453. You know what? I don't appreciate lying.

454. Come on. I know you're scared,

455. and a lot of times you feel like a little girl in a big gal's body.

456. But here is the dirty little secret:

457. Fear is good.

458. It keeps you from becoming a crappy doctor.

459. The trick is, you just can't let it paralyze you.

460. But don't you worry about a thing, there, newbie.

461. You're a sure thing to get a kill.

462. In fact, should be any day now.

463. (J.D.) One of the hardest things around here

464. is that sometimes you don't get to know how things end.

465. What are you doin'?

466. Oh, just waitin' for Mr. Phillips.

467. He, uh, showed up for the first couple days.

468. But he's missed his last 3 rehab appointments.

469. I'll wait with you.

470. Thanks.

471. I got my eyebrows waxed.

472. They look really good.

473. (J.D.) Whether it's wondering if your husband will realize

474. you replaced his dead dog with a shorter replica...

475. Or wondering when and if you're gonna kill that first person.

476. Okay, everybody, watch closely.

477. Because if you're not careful,

478. you can cause a neural thorax.

479. (J.D.) Ultimately, it'll drive you crazy

480. if you don't have a friend to help you through it.

481. You know, he might have gone to Florida early.

482. Maybe he's going to a hospital down there.

483. Do you think?

484. I don't know. Maybe.

485. (both) Whoo! Whoo!

486. Okay, there is no way I'm following that guy.

487. I don't even have my cape.

488. (baby) Da-ddy!