Scrubs 4x3

Directed by Ken Whittingham

Sam Lloyd as Ted Buckland • Robert Maschio as Todd • Bronwen Booth as Miss Myers • Jody Carter as Mrs. Covello • Garrett Donovan as Councilman Donovan

Dr. Cox is having issues with Jordan, since Ted revealed that they are still technically married due to some filing problems. J.D. has problems of his own as he can't shake off the tag of Co-Chief Resident the Janitor assigned to him, while Elliot keeps the Chief Resident tag. Elsewhere, Turk begins to doubt his abilities after letting a patient die and isn't helped, when he finds out J.D. has no confidence in him either. Dr. Cox and Molly spar about her involvement in his patients.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. (J.D.) Today I walk in here not as a resident

2. but as chief— chief resident.

3. Chief resident Dorian. Chiefy-chiefy-chief.

4. What's that, your new cool guy walk?

5. No. I have rocks in my shoe.

6. (J.D.) Wow! That's a lot of rocks!

7. I gotta stop taking that shortcut through the quarry.

8. Anyway, the best thing about my new job

9. is that I command a lot more respect.

10. Chief resident in the house. Everybody say, "hey!"

11. Hey!

12. (J.D.) Even though Councilman Donovan was handcuffed to that chair

13. because once again he was flying high on crystal meth,

14. his respect felt good.

15. Honestly, it's the reason I keep voting for him.

16. Have a good day.

17. Try not to torture anyone so much

18. - that they take their own lives. - I'll try.

19. You know, you're not looking as processed

20. and overly-medicated as usual.

21. That is so sweet.

22. (J.D.) It was the same old Dr. Cox and Jordan.

23. The weird thing was, there was something underneath it.

24. They were happy.

25. We have some very exciting news.

26. Don't tell me. You and sweaty Teddy here are gonna

27. finally have that commitment ceremony you've been dreaming about?

28. Perry, even if I went that way,

29. and believe me, there were nights in the service

30. when it didn't sound so farfetched,

31. Ted is hardly my type.

32. I beg to differ. I've seen enid.

33. - What? - Nothing.

34. Dr. Cox, remember a few years back,

35. you asked me to look over your divorce papers.

36. To make sure "that slag would die a penniless whore"?

37. - Hmm? - Sorry.

38. It's okay. Slag is kind of his pet name for me.

39. Anyway, I was also going through a divorce.

40. She's with my brother now.

41. He's 9 inches shorter than me,

42. but he wears a piece.

43. The point is, you and I signed the wrong papers,

44. which technically means you two are still married

45. and so am I.

46. Well, mazel tovs all around.

47. (J.D.) I'd never seen Dr. Cox and Jordan speechless before.

48. It was neato.

49. Just so you know, I think this chief resident thing

50. has made you a little too big for your britches,

51. so from now on, I'm gonna be your britches shrinker.

52. Oh, what? Is that supposed to intimidate me or something?

53. No. I had to do it anyway.

54. What possible reason could you have for breaking a broom in half?

55. Thanks, bro.

56. Any other questions, smart guy?

57. Boo-sha, ladies.

58. Ha ha hey!

59. Ohh!

60. What's upwith these rocks?

61. Ha! You've been graveled!

62. Graveled?

63. Yeah, it's a new game I made up this morning when I had rocks in my shoes.

64. I like it.

65. Better than play-doh pants?

66. Play-doh pants became all about the money.

67. Wise.

68. (J.D.) It felt good cheering Turk up.

69. See, now that I'm chief studly

70. I was making a lot more money than him.

71. Needless to say, it was a time to be extra sensitive.

72. Hey, remember how I make more money than you now?

73. Yeah. Here's 5 bucks for a memory.

74. Anyway, I was thinking about spending some of my extra ducats

75. on one of those classy suits we always wanted.

76. You mean the leather purple jumpsuit

77. Eddie Murphy wore in Raw?

78. You know it, dawg.

79. That's cold. Look, I gotta go.

80. I got a new attending and he hates it when we're late. Plus he's a question talker.

81. What's a question talker?

82. Do I want you to be on time, Dr. Turk? Yes, I do.

83. Am I going to remember this? Of course I am.

84. Miss Myers is ready to have her bandages removed now.

85. You mean dashboard face?

86. Yeah, I think she prefers Miss Myers.

87. Well, then she probably shouldn't be checking her e-mail

88. while she's driving 90 miles an hour.

89. Hey, sorry, I'm late.

90. We weren't waiting for you.

91. Great, I'm on time. See, I think that as a psychiatrist

92. I should be there when Miss Myers' bandages get removed,

93. because her accident was traumatic enough,

94. but with reconstructive facial surgery on top of that?

95. In my professional opinion, "yikes!"

96. If you are coming in, I just might go ahead and phone up my pool man

97. and my architect so we could populate the room

98. with just as many useless people as possible.

99. Great! My mom's in town. Should I call her?

100. Ha ha! Ohh...

101. Ha ha ha! That was good.

102. Okay, Miss Myers,

103. I'm gonna go ahead and get these bandages off

104. and make sure the plastic surgeons

105. have left your face just as beautiful as it always was.

106. You're so nice. Are you married?

107. Oh, he is as of this morning.

108. Really? I thought he was divorced.

109. No, child, the papers didn't go through.

110. You know what? I've got a son,

111. I don't fantasize about Jordan dying as much anymore,

112. and even though it wasn't planned, I'm actually pretty happy

113. about the way this whole marriage thing has worked out,

114. so would you please stop your chirping

115. and step away from my personal life?

116. So what's his wife like?

117. (Carla) Scary.

118. You go ahead and have a look there.

119. Wow.

120. You look fantastic. You do. Doctor?

121. Really fantastic.

122. Thank god you were here.

123. (J.D.) Since Elliot and I are both chief residents

124. I'm trying not to make it all about me.

125. John Dorian, chief resident.

126. (J.D.) You know, unless it's someone I could doink.

127. Hey, you need to move your car.

128. It's my day to have the parking spot.

129. J.D., you have a scooter.

130. Why do you even need a parking spot?

131. It sends a message.

132. (J.D.) Just because I dumped her

133. doesn't mean my scooter "Sasha" needs to suffer.

134. - (tapping) - What are you doing?

135. Just making it official. Chief. Co-chief.

136. Now, you can try as hard as you want,

137. that is never gonna stick.

138. Hmm.

139. Oh, and that's co-chief resident Dorian over there.

140. Damn it! You are quick.

141. Damn it, I got an appendectomy again?

142. Sweet! I get the duwa... Do-oh—

143. Duodenojejunostomy, man. What's wrong with you?

144. So I can't pronounce it.

145. Try and be a little more sensitive, okay?

146. New bra, Janice? 'Cause it's working.

147. Besides, the only reason I'm getting all these great procedures

148. is because nobody's died on me in, like, 3 months.

149. Listen, man, you never have to apologize for being on a hot streak.

150. I'm psyched for you, and I wouldn't take

151. those procedures away if I could.

152. Sir, would you mind giving me the duodenojejunostomy instead of the Todd?

153. Am I impressed by your moxie? You betcha.

154. Am I going to reward it? Not a chance.

155. This Todd thing is killing me.

156. Where's your lunch?

157. Ahh, thank you, Barry.

158. Hey! That's for Barry, Jr.

159. What? The little guy's in leg braces.

160. - Hi. - Hey.

161. I visited my safety deposit box today. Guess what I found?

162. My grandfather's purple heart?

163. Please. I sold that years ago to pay for these.

164. - Oh. - Yeah.

165. Our wedding rings.

166. - Holy cow. - What do you think?

167. Are you kidding me? I'm gonna wear this the rest of my life.

168. (J.D.) Of course, marriage can make

169. the rest of your life seem much longer.

170. So you're just going to fall asleep right after

171. for the rest of my life?

172. So I'm supposed to pay for your Botox the rest of my life?

173. I'm not sure I want to watch you drink a beer

174. while I'm holding the baby for the rest of my life.

175. Look, Attila, there's no way in hell that I'm gonna listen

176. to you complain about the rest of your life

177. for the rest of my life, you got that?

178. Yeah, not listening. By the way, now that we're married again,

179. we've got to make out new wills in case one of us dies.

180. Oh, god, I hope it's me.

181. (J.D.) Yep, there was definitely trouble in paradise.

182. (P.A.) Would co-chief Dorian please report to the ICU?

183. Co-chief Dorian. The co-chief.

184. Well, Mrs. Covello, your cat scan showed a small rectal tumor,

185. so I want to schedule a low anterior resection.

186. But don't worry. We have an amazing surgical team here, okay?

187. That means a lot, coming from the co-chief resident.

188. Ha!

189. (J.D.) How did she hear? She's been in a coma for 2 weeks!

190. Hey, buddy, can I talk to you for a second?

191. - Sure. - I know that Todd's doing her resection,

192. but if you send her down right now, he's a little busy so it'd have to be me.

193. What's the Todd doing?

194. You know the city surveyors outside taking pictures

195. of the hospital for the zoning commission?

196. Yeah?

197. I told him they were shooting a sacred heart calendar.

198. Gentlemen, say hello to June!

199. How about a sneak peek at July?

200. I don't know, Turk. It's a little early for me to start pulling strings.

201. I just got this co-chief job.

202. Damn it, now I'm saying it.

203. Come on, man, get me back in the game.

204. Mmm, okay.

205. Ha ha ha! Okay, okay!

206. You know what, here's 10 bucks for letting me help you out.

207. Spend it wisely.

208. I think she's a little upset she doesn't look the way she used to.

209. Why? How did she used to look?

210. Hmm? Oh, dear ugly.

211. Oh, what do you know? It's the paging of the shrew.

212. Look, why don't you just talk to her?

213. Mm-hmm. Why don't you just—

214. Mind my own business. I know.

215. Your life is your life and it's not my job to fix it,

216. unless of course you ask me to,

217. and, man, when I get in there, because I'm a good shrink,

218. and you, my friend, are a walking disaster.

219. Shall we?

220. So, now, Miss Myers, how are you feeling?

221. I was wondering if it were possible to have surgery again.

222. Hi, sweetie. I'm in a tunnel.

223. Look, your body's been through an enormous amount of trauma

224. and I can't recommend you go racing back into surgery.

225. Now, I guarantee if you just give it time,

226. you'll be happy with the way you look.

227. - (ring) - Oh, my god.

228. What?

229. I just don't look like myself.

230. I know I had a big nose and droopy eyes,

231. but they were my nose and my droopy eyes, you know?

232. Tell me more about yourself.

233. (J.D.) Around here, there's always at least

234. one person that'll come through for you.

235. In Turk's case, that was me.

236. Hey, Elliot!

237. Hey, I want to talk to you about this whole chief resident thing.

238. What about it?

239. Well, as you may have heard

240. from the loud speaker, some residents, the janitor,

241. my mother, your mother, and a coma patient,

242. I'm being referred to as the co-chief resident.

243. I think we should either both go with co-chief

244. or chief, don't you co-agree?

245. Excuse me, we're working up this patient for a hyper-coagulable state

246. with a prolonged PTT. What's our next step?

247. That's easy, Lonnie. What you want to do—

248. I'd like my answer from the chief resident.

249. We're both chief residents. Isn't that right, Dr. Reid?

250. With a prolonged PTT, you'd want to do a one to one mixing study.

251. That's why she's the chief and you're the co-chief.

252. Shut up, Lonnie!

253. You shut up!

254. Well, obviously for your ex-wife,

255. just the illusion of hair is important.

256. Excuse me.

257. So you're saying it had nothing to do with my impotence?

258. Dr. Cox, I was wondering if we could talk about Miss Myers in my office.

259. Yeah, I make it a point to never enter a shrink's office

260. unless I'm planning on grossly over-paying somebody

261. for telling me something that I already know.

262. Look, you're obviously really distracted by the situation with your marriage.

263. Something I already know. What do I owe? Will 10 bucks cover it?

264. - Oh, yeah! - Are you gonna hang onto that?

265. Yeah, I forgot my lunch money.

266. It's kielbasa day in the cafeteria. Kielbasa!

267. - Ha! - Love it!

268. Anyway, Miss Myers really values your opinion,

269. but I don't think you're even trying to understand how she feels.

270. Look, if I ever want your advice on one of my patients,

271. I'll ask, but do not hold your breath,

272. unless of course you can hold it for a really long, long,

273. long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long time.

274. I can't. I used to smoke.

275. Kielbasa. Yes!

276. Let me buy you lunch.

277. I'm rich. I'll buy you lunch and some gold teeth to eat it with.

278. You know, you only got one more black joke

279. this month before I bust your ass.

280. Damn it! I used them all up watching Barbershop 9.

281. Okay, that's it, and I'll get you later.

282. How'd surgery go?

283. Well, you know, I was on top of my game.

284. (J.D.) It can be scary to stick your neck out for a friend.

285. That's why it's a huge relief when they come through.

286. How's she doing?

287. Uh... unfortunately, she didn't make it.

288. (J.D.) What?

289. What do you mean she died?

290. J.D., I did everything I could.

291. Even my attending thought I did great.

292. He said, "do I think you did great? Yes, I do."

293. (J.D.) I couldn't help wonder if by taking that patient from Todd

294. and giving her to Turk I had toyed with fate.

295. I know that look.

296. You're wondering if you toyed with fate.

297. How could you know that look? It's a brand-new look!

298. What do you think Todd would have done that I didn't?

299. Doctor, her heart stopped.

300. Aah! Here!

301. (gasping) I'm gay!

302. I knew it.

303. Oh, my god! That's your "the Todd would have pulled his own heart out" look!

304. Okay, we have been spending way too much time together.

305. Heh heh. Guess what there, wifey.

306. You can't be a pain in the ass if I don't have a phone.

307. Ah—ohh! Hi, sweetie.

308. Save it. I was just calling to tell you

309. that I'm taking Jack and staying at my mother's for a few months.

310. But who's going to be looking after him

311. when you and your mother go out marauding for flesh?

312. Thank you for making this so much easier, Perry.

313. Jordan! Jordan— come on, Jordan!

314. Jor...

315. Are you okay?

316. Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna go check on Miss Myers.

317. Molly sent her down to surgery.

318. Oh ho, wrong day, new chick!

319. (J.D.) In a hospital, it's hard not to let

320. your personal life affect your professional life.

321. (Turk) Forget about J.D. You're just as good as the Todd. You got this.

322. All right, people, I believe we're done here.

323. Did you just sew your gown into the patient?

324. Yeah, you did.

325. Hey! Hey, somebody! Hey!

326. Randall was in the air conditioning vent

327. and it collapsed on him. Buddy!

328. Co-chief! Co-chief!

329. Hey, you fixed him! Come on, buddy.

330. (J.D.) That's it!

331. Dr. Kelso, could you help me out?

332. People have been referring to me as the co-chief resident.

333. Well, it sounds like something you should take up with the chief resident.

334. But I'm the chief resident!

335. Look, Dr. Reid's check is made out to the chief resident,

336. and mine's made out to the co-chief resident,

337. but we both make the same amount.

338. You're right. Dr. Reid, you should be making $10 more a month,

339. and, of course, Dr. Dorian, you should be making $10 less.

340. I know it's not much, but it's largely

341. to symbolize the difference in your levels.

342. - Coolio! - Coolio indeed.

343. Ha ha ha!

344. (J.D.) I could spend all day worrying about what just happened,

345. but I have more important things to do.

346. Hey, man, look what I confiscated

347. from one of the kids in pediatrics.

348. - (bang) - Ow!

349. - What, too hot? - Yeah!

350. - Sorry. - Not in the mood!

351. Okay, look, we both might have had bad days,

352. but I got just the thing that's gonna cheer us up.

353. Ahh, dream come true, right?

354. Do you really think I want this suit?

355. Well, I do... But not from you!

356. Oh, now I get it. You're just mad

357. because I make more money than you.

358. No, I'm mad because of that surgery today.

359. You doubted me.

360. You are such a wuss!

361. Turk, come on!

362. Oh. These things chafe.

363. Now I know why Eddie called it Raw.

364. Carla, do you have any powder?

365. Yo! You went behind my back.

366. I gave you every opportunity to do the right thing.

367. I'll tell you what there, miss manners,

368. why don't you go ahead and gulp down

369. that bear-sized bite and then we'll talk.

370. Mmm.

371. Mmm. Mmm.

372. Mmm! Mmm.

373. Mmm! Yummy!

374. Man, that is great kielbasa,

375. but you can't really screw up kielbasa, can you?

376. So, um, where were we?

377. Honest to god, I can't remember.

378. Oh, right, Miss Myers.

379. The plastic surgeon said it was safe to operate,

380. and Miss Myers really liked her old face,

381. and you don't have to be a psychiatrist to see, Perry,

382. that if you used to be truly happy and now you're not,

383. then you should go back to the way it was when you were happy.

384. - Isn't that what you would do? - Yeah.

385. (panting) Jordan...

386. Will you... Will you divorce me?

387. - Oh, I thought you'd never ask. - Thank god.

388. Aah! Ooh! Ahh.

389. Listen, I probably should have put a stop to all this co-chief stuff.

390. What co-chief stuff? I haven't even been thinking about it.

391. Look, J.D., ever since you dumped me,

392. everyone around here has been treating me like some kind of a victim. It's like:

393. "Ooh, look at poor Elliot going home alone."

394. Or "Ooh, look at poor Elliot,

395. riding a tandem bike by herself."

396. That's not something I normally do.

397. I just wanted ice cream the other night, my car was out of gas,

398. and that's the bike the Gundersons loaned me.

399. (sighs) They do everything together.

400. Okay.

401. The point is, it was nice being the one chief resident for a while, you know?

402. She's got fingers like biceps.

403. And so, by the power vested in me

404. by the American bar association,

405. I pronounce you ex-husband and ex-wife.

406. You may now do whatever the hell you want!

407. I've never been this happy.

408. Me, neither.

409. You have no chance of being normal.

410. Mm-mm.

411. Thirsty, huh?

412. Helps the tears taste less bitter.

413. Cheers.

414. So, how are you guys going to celebrate your divorce?

415. By not inviting you.

416. Oh, my god, dude, I doubted you for a second,

417. why are you so mad?

418. Maybe I needed you to believe in me.

419. I believe in you, baby.

420. Yeah, but we're married, that doesn't count.

421. (Carla) What the...? Ow!

422. Did you...?

423. Yeah. She's been graveled.

424. Nice work.

425. Look, man, it was one second of doubt, okay?

426. Since when do you care what anybody else thinks?

427. I don't. I care what you think.

428. Since the day I met you, you've treated me like I was the man.

429. Like I could accomplish everything.

430. This is gonna sound lame...

431. I got it!

432. You being like that is one of the reasons

433. I've gotten to where I am.

434. Wow. That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.

435. Aah! Unh!

436. (J.D.) In the end, every relationship needs maintenance.

437. Hey, Ted, get out of the sun, man.

438. You owe me money!

439. (J.D.) Whether it's the smallest gesture...

440. Hey, doctor! Doc!

441. You want to take a look at the guy in 302 and tell me

442. whether or not you think he's really sick or just bonkers.

443. Are you actually asking my opinion?

444. Well, I'm gonna ignore it, but, yeah, knock yourself out.

445. (J.D.) Or just picking up back where you left off.

446. I'm a little nervous about surgery tomorrow.

447. Aw, you'll kick ass, man.

448. So are you guys gonna go out tonight?

449. No, we're gonna stay in.

450. Well, I'll be in the bedroom with all the straight people.

451. Are your giblets warm?

452. - Like a Christmas ham. - Same.

453. (J.D.) The bottom line is that if you care about someone,

454. it's pretty easy to make the sacrifice.

455. Wow. Thanks, J.D.

456. And she's just been graveled.