Scrubs 4x25

Sam Lloyd as Ted Buckland • Robert Maschio as Todd • Aloma Wright as Laverne Roberts • Josh Randall as Jake

With their residencies over, there are big changes at Sacred Heart. J.D. moves out to live on his own, while Turk and Carla consider a family change, creating another rift in their long friendship. Jordan is hired to handle some paperwork for Kelso, which annoys Cox. Elliot has a job interview at a different hospital thanks to her boyfriend Jake.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. (J.D.) So here I am...

2. sitting on a box in an empty apartment

3. with a dead dog and a single tear on my cheek.

4. I can't help but wonder how I got to this place.

5. Who are these guys?

6. These are the last 8 guys in the hospital

7. who don't realize I suck at basketball.

8. Ok, so here's what's gonna happen.

9. I finally mastered my running hook shot, ok?

10. So when we go to pick teams, I'm gonna hit that shot.

11. Then you say, "I'll take that guy."

12. At which point, Carla is gonna page me,

13. and I'll say, "crap, I gotta go. "

14. And you go, "damn, we just lost the best player out here."

15. Then there'll be 8 guys in the hospital

16. who think I'm good at sports and the word will spread.

17. When do you find time to see your patients?

18. - Between these thoughts. - Oh. Ok.

19. Let's play some ball.

20. I got that guy.

21. (J.D.) Her boyfriend Jake had given her a newfound confidence

22. to do things she'd never been able to do before.

23. - Ok, you ready to do this? - You know it.

24. Like talking to people while she's on the toilet.

25. Ok. I know how comfortable you are with Carla,

26. so I'm gonna have her do the talking, all right?

27. You just say when.

28. (Elliot) There's cheeks on the seat and I'm feeling good.

29. Let's hear it.

30. Hello, Elliot. How are you doing?

31. She went out the window.

32. Oh, Bob Kelso here before noon?

33. They're either giving away free doughnuts at the cafe

34. or there's an Asian prostitute convention in the I.C.U.

35. Is now the time I'm supposed to be embarrassed

36. because I like fine food and Korean call girls?

37. Write this down, Perry, I'm old and I honestly don't care

38. what people think about anything I do. (farts)

39. That was me, folks.

40. No, I'm here because the budget's a mess.

41. Ted's not making much headway.

42. 312 x 481 equals...

43. Sir, it's not giving me the answer.

44. - It's a typewriter, you jackass! - Oh, God, it's got my tie!

45. Bob, this whole thing is only gonna take a couple of days,

46. so why not let Jordan do it?

47. Yes, she is a member of the board,

48. but, hell, that only gets her out of the house

49. once every couple of months or so.

50. And I know she loves our son Jack with all her heart,

51. but I think spending every waking moment with the child,

52. I think—I think it's starting to get to her.

53. I hate you.

54. So, what do you say there, Bob-o?

55. Welcome aboard. This will be your office for the next few days.

56. Ted, find someplace else to work.

57. Oh, man! Not again!

58. If you need some happy pills, they're in the top drawer.

59. In this hellhole, I'll need a gun.

60. Bottom left.

61. - Yo, can I ask you a question? - Yeah.

62. Why are we lying in the parking lot?

63. Your hook shot knocked you unconscious,

64. so I lied down next to you

65. so everyone would think we were chillin'.

66. Oh, thanks, S.C.B.

67. By the way, I should tell you something. I found an apartment.

68. I'm moving out the day after tomorrow.

69. - Wow. - Yeah.

70. - What does S.C.B. mean? - Super chocolate bear.

71. - I love it. - I knew you would.

72. Someone stole a whole case of laxatives from the supply closet.

73. Don't look at me. I'm as regular as rain.

74. Who wants a piece of pie?

75. - Who made it? - Let's say my mom.

76. (J.D.) As a doctor, you get good at piecing things together.

77. - Someone stole a case of laxatives. - Who wants a piece of pie?

78. This one was obvious.

79. No, thank you.

80. Free pie? Hell, yeah.

81. Ohh.

82. I can't believe you two have lived together for 12 years.

83. Do you remember our first day together?

84. Yo, they call me Chris one. What's the dealio?

85. Welcome to our lair. I'm an eighth-level ogre magi

86. with invisibility and this is Randal.

87. - You were such a dork. - Ha ha ha ha!

88. I'm glad nothing else around here's changing.

89. This is the time of year where everybody leaves for new jobs,

90. but Turk's got another year of residency.

91. Yeah, and J.D. and I just took positions here as staff internists.

92. Was that what you wanted to do?

93. There was an endocrinology fellowship

94. with this amazing doctor over at county,

95. but it's a little over my head.

96. So you took a fallback job 'cause you were afraid to go for it?

97. Uh, Jake, is it?

98. - Yeah, it's— - I know your name, Jake.

99. I'm being condescending. It's Jake, right?

100. Look, no one here is settling.

101. Here at Sacred Heart, you get to work

102. with some of the finest doctors in the country.

103. Out of my way! I got a doozy of a two-sie!

104. All right, then.

105. Before we jump into rounds,

106. I see it's time for my annual cologne intervention.

107. Lonnie, you're killing us.

108. And honestly, what's the point?

109. Do you understand that no matter how badly

110. you want to get freaky with Karen here,

111. that's just not going to happen. And here's why.

112. She thinks you have the body of a fetus.

113. Oh, Karen, did you tell me that in confidence?

114. - No, he knows. - She drew me a picture.

115. Don't sweat it too much, kid.

116. He wore so much Cologne on our first date,

117. I had to sell my Miata.

118. - Why? - For funsies.

119. (whistles) Heel.

120. Thank you for that.

121. Keep moving, fetus-face.

122. Come here, boy! Come on, Rowdy!

123. No, you come here, eat your steak!

124. What are you doing?

125. Well, whoever Rowdy goes to first, he gets to keep him.

126. Rowdy, if you come to me, I'll scratch your special region.

127. So you moved back all the furniture

128. and defrosted our dinner with your sweaty hands for a joke?

129. Yeah, we did.

130. If he stays, I'll drive him

131. out to the country and leave him there.

132. Howzzat, he's mine!

133. I can't believe you talked me into this.

134. I will never get this fellowship. I don't interview well.

135. It's the reason I didn't get into Harvard.

136. The second the professor asked me

137. what I hoped to accomplish in college,

138. my nose started bleeding, and I sneezed

139. and splattered his shirt with blood.

140. Damn it, Elliot, how many people do you have to talk to

141. while you're peeing before you start believing in yourself?

142. You're right.

143. So, why are you interested in this fellowship?

144. Well, first off, I have incredible passion

145. for the work you're doing. I've heard that you're an amazing doctor,

146. and I would be honored to have the opportunity

147. to work with you, Mr. Gold.

148. Have a great day, honey.

149. You have even a better one, you. You do it! Yeah, yeah.

150. You have even a better one.

151. Perry, I get the feeling something is bothering you.

152. Bob, people have a private life and people have a professional life,

153. and, usually, those 2 hells are kept pretty separate.

154. For instance, I don't know that much about your home life,

155. other than the fact that you treat your wife like a dog,

156. your dog like a wife,

157. and your son like an androgynous ne'er-do-well

158. who drains your retirement nest egg

159. to open up a yarn shop in Minneapolis.

160. Harrison posted his first profit this quarter.

161. Aces. And I'm guessing that's because

162. - his significant other... - Terrence.

163. Terrence doesn't follow him around the shop all day,

164. telling him just exactly what color is in this season,

165. or showing all of the other employees

166. that he is not, in fact, the boss of his own life.

167. You see, the woman is everywhere.

168. She's there when I work out in the morning,

169. when I work out in the car on the way to work,

170. and when I work out when I get to work.

171. I can't seem to get away from her,

172. and that used to be fine when she just came around

173. for 5 minutes every month or so to feed on my dignity,

174. but now, I'd honestly kill myself, Bob,

175. if I wasn't convinced that Jordan wouldn't already be there

176. waiting for me in the afterlife.

177. You see, typical of her, she went ahead and signed us up

178. for an eternal tandem bike ride

179. all along the banks of the river Styx.

180. I'm so glad you shared.

181. How would you like to make this a full time job?

182. I'll have to think about it.

183. How could you not see this coming?

184. Hooch just got in the shower.

185. Let the games begin.

186. Who the hell put bouillon cubes in the showerhead?

187. Huh? Did you do it? Hmm? Did you?

188. If it happens again,

189. I will wait in my S.U.V.,

190. blast me some speed metal, 5.1 surround sound,

191. heavy on the bass...

192. And someone will be getting mowed down.

193. Heh heh.

194. Hooch is crazy.

195. I'm really gonna miss this kind of stuff.

196. Why? We'll still be able to pull pranks on him after you move out.

197. Yeah, but we won't be staying up till 6:00 in the morning

198. planning anything as genius as the soup shower.

199. This is the end of an era, super choc.

200. You know how you're prone to

201. overly sensitive girly displays of sentimentality?

202. - Guilty. - Ok, now,

203. if you reel it back a little bit,

204. I'll get somebody to cover for me tonight...

205. and I'll help you pack your stuff.

206. Oh, can we cut words out of magazines

207. that represent how we feel about each other,

208. and glue them into a friends forever collage?

209. Hell, no.

210. Oh. Can we drink beers and reminisce?

211. Hell, yes.

212. That's all I wanted to do anyway.

213. (J.D.) Plus, I already made the collage.

214. Now listen to me.

215. You gotta make tonight count...

216. 'cause you'll never be as cool as you were

217. when you were rollin' with the big dog as a roommate, you know?

218. (J.D.) No, I didn't know.

219. Well, maybe Jake shouldn't have pushed you into that interview.

220. Maybe I should've covered my mouth

221. when I sneezed blood the second time.

222. Oh, come on, Elliot.

223. - He's always telling you what to do. - That's not true.

224. Hey, it's Jake. Buzz me up.

225. Oh, my God, you're right.

226. Don't let him be your puppet master.

227. - Hey. - Hey.

228. - What's up? - I have a headache.

229. Take some aspirin.

230. Don't tell me what to do. You're not the boss of me.

231. Ok, what just happened?

232. So, do you think I should take the job?

233. Perry?

234. Oh, I'm sorry, honey.

235. I was just thinking about this little boy in here.

236. He's only 8 years old, and he's terminal.

237. I just hope his parents

238. spent as much time with him as they could.

239. You're here one minute, and then the next, you're...

240. What, uh, what were you saying?

241. Nothing.

242. Stick your hand out.

243. Good man.

244. Get yourself some ice cream. Go on, get out of here.

245. Hey! Oh. Oh, ha ha ha ha.

246. J.D., I got a mondo 82-inch pizza with our names on it!

247. Dude! It's hu...

248. Dude, what the hell? We're supposed to hang,

249. and all of a sudden you moved out?

250. (J.D.) It's hard to hide your emotions

251. in front of people who know you well...

252. Answer it.

253. Or don't.

254. Hello.

255. (J.D.) Like excitement about a new job...

256. - I got the fellowship. - Hey!

257. (J.D.) Or disappointment about a lost opportunity.

258. I'm sorry, Bob. I can't take the job.

259. Maybe next year.

260. (J.D.) As for me, I just didn't want Turk to know

261. that he'd hurt my feelings.

262. I don't know. I figured it wasn't that big a deal.

263. Hey, I'm pretty tired from the move,

264. so I'm probably just gonna crash.

265. I'm famished.

266. - Morning. - Yeah.

267. (J.D.) Turk didn't even realize he pissed me off,

268. so explaining my feelings to him was the smart move.

269. I took a slightly different tack.

270. - That seat's taken, ass-face. - By who?

271. Hello there, chocolate bear 2.

272. Hooch? J.D., what the hell's going on here?

273. I replaced your ass.

274. By the by, Johnny told me that you were responsible

275. for my brothy shower the other day.

276. If it happens again...

277. I'm gonna take one of your fingers.

278. That'll be my funny prank.

279. Hooch is crazy.

280. Oh, sorry. Old habit.

281. (J.D.) I wasn't the only unhappy person in our hospital family.

282. Sure, Jake, I'll tell you

283. why it feels like I have a problem with you.

284. The fact that Elliot jumps so high whenever you tell her to

285. may seem harmless, but as a result,

286. she's been stealing all my sports bras.

287. Seriously! The only one I have left is the one I'm wearing,

288. and it works great. See? Huh?

289. - It works pretty nicely. - It does, right?

290. But... if I wanna jump up and down again this week,

291. I'm stuck until laundry day.

292. Ok, I'm obviously gonna have to guess what your point is here,

293. but I think it's that I control Elliot, which I don't.

294. Here. Watch this.

295. Elliot, will you shove that guy?

296. Why would you do that?

297. I was trying to prove you don't do everything I say.

298. Well, clue me in, stud.

299. That was creepy Carl. He runs an upskirt website.

300. I'm on it.

301. Oh!

302. - Ooh. - Oh, yeah, Ted.

303. I moved the file cabinet.

304. I'm gonna miss this office.

305. Why? It smells like that odd combo

306. of flop sweat, hopelessness and feet.

307. Yeah, I know. It's just...

308. I guess this stupid job made me feel valid again.

309. You know?

310. You don't know.

311. It's ok. See you at home.

312. Who's ready for a pie break?

313. - No. - Come on. Why not?

314. Why don't you ask Todd?

315. Due to what can only be described as epic diarrhea,

316. he's been on an I.V. Drip for 36 hours.

317. Make it stop 5.

318. (J.D.) Maybe I was being unfair to Turk.

319. Maybe it's too much to expect a friend

320. to just sense that you're upset and want to talk about it.

321. Carla, I can sense you're upset. Talk to me.

322. (J.D.) Ok, but Turk's a prideful guy,

323. and it's hard for prideful guys

324. to admit when they've been insensitive.

325. Listen, Jordan, I've been incredibly insensitive.

326. (J.D.) Touché, magic hallway.

327. Bottom line, I should've had more faith in my friend

328. to come through for me.

329. - Turk! - No, it's me, Hooch, vanilla bear.

330. Ha ha!

331. Hooch is crazy.

332. So, Hooch, this is it.

333. (J.D.) Then things took a turn.

334. Say, where's Rowdy?

335. "I'm at the hospital"?

336. There he is!

337. There he is!

338. Ok, he's going up. I'll take the stairs.

339. You don't let anyone out of that elevator, ok?

340. - Be strong, Hooch. - I'll try.

341. So where's chocolate bear number 2?

342. Who else thinks they're faster than me, huh?

343. Huh?

344. Yo, Hooch is seriously crazy.

345. Hoo hoo hoo hoo.

346. Look, Carla, Jake makes me happy.

347. Plus there's a decent chance he'll be my second serious boyfriend

348. not to end up in bed with my mom or my brother Barry.

349. And he doesn't always tell me what to do.

350. I mean, sure, he did tell me to come up here and talk to you,

351. but I was gonna do that anyway 'cause I wanted to ask you

352. if I should wear hooker heels or flats with my pink skirt

353. when we go celebrate my new job tonight.

354. But instead I'm trying to figure out what your problem is.

355. Look! I thought you were staying, ok?

356. I've been here for 11 years, and it's always the same story.

357. I get really close to someone, and they move on.

358. I don't want to be 50 making friends

359. with the new 25-year-old interns, Elliot.

360. They'll make fun of me when we go dancing.

361. Not if I go with you.

362. And then they kiss?

363. Sorry.

364. Look at him. What an angel.

365. (baby starts to cry) Down, he's waking up.

366. Hey, Jordan, um...

367. Lookit, I tried to guilt you into not taking that job.

368. Really?

369. Look, I don't want to be one of those moms that never sees her kids,

370. but I also don't want to be one of those moms

371. that stays at home but then resents her kids

372. 'cause she wishes she was working so she could go to an office

373. and feel bad about not being at home with her kids.

374. I was just worried that you would think I was a bad mom.

375. Sweetie...

376. you are an evil, soulless, chemically enhanced battle-ax

377. that I truly doubt is 100% human, but...

378. you are an amazing mom.

379. Just say you're sorry, give me a hug, and this'll all be over.

380. Why do I have to say I'm sorry?

381. Dude, I don't mean to sound girly, but for the last 12 years,

382. you've practically been like my wife.

383. How is that girly?

384. Look, before, when you said I'd never be as cool

385. as when I was living with you...

386. you know there's some truth to that.

387. I'm sorta like odd and geeky and...

388. you've always sort of validated me.

389. J.D., you're just moving out.

390. Well, say things will be the same.

391. That's Carla. I gotta go.

392. You're right. Things are gonna be different.

393. But different doesn't always mean bad.

394. Just means different.

395. Ok.

396. All right.

397. No better pick-me-up than a nice slice of mom's pie.

398. Why are you so obsessed with this?

399. I don't know. I think it's 'cause this time,

400. I wasn't trying to mess with you.

401. Really?

402. Really.

403. Huh?

404. (J.D.) Who would do this to himself?

405. (Janitor) Totally worth it.

406. (J.D.) As every piece of food I'd put into my body in the last year

407. was rushing out of me, it got me thinking.

408. The way some things never change

409. shines a light on the things that do.

410. Like when a new person comes into the hospital to stay...

411. My office keys, Ted.

412. Can't believe I'm actually doing this.

413. You'll meet me out later, right?

414. (J.D.) Or an old friend leaves for good.

415. Sometimes the biggest changes are a result of an impulsive decision.

416. I think we should have a baby.

417. - Whoa! - Hmm?

418. - Whoa! - What?

419. I know you're feeling abandoned right now,

420. but we just went through a really rough spot,

421. and I'm not the type of guy to make life-changing decisions

422. without thinking about it for at least, like, a few months.

423. Let's make a baby.

424. (J.D.) And so here I am,

425. a guy in an empty apartment with a dead dog.

426. Oh, and that's not a tear on my cheek.

427. That's just from the leak in my ceiling.

428. And, yes, change is scary, but it's also inevitable.

429. It's up to you to make the best of it.

430. I mean, it's not like opportunity's just gonna fall into your lap.

431. Aah!

432. (J.D.) Then again...

433. Howdy, neighbor, I'm Jonathan.

434. Hi.

435. You eyeballin' my woman?

436. (J.D.) I hate change.