Scrubs 4x24

1. (J.D.) No one wants to live out their last years in a hospital,

2. but people do.

3. There's really not much we can do for them

4. except try to protect their dignity,

5. and, of course, bet on them.

6. - Come on, Mr. Gilmore. - Come on, Colonel Mustard!

7. Ha! Pay up.

8. - Can I get some jell-o, please? - Jell-o is for winners.

9. - What? - I'm just kidding.

10. We'll have some sent right to your room, big guy.

11. Thank you.

12. Dude, you're not gonna believe how much trouble I'm having

13. finding a place to live.

14. What happened with that little guest house you went to see?

15. It's fully furnished,

16. and the owner of the main house is just great.

17. In fact, if you look out the window, you can see him right now.

18. Oh, he's perfect.

19. Perfect for what?

20. Yeah, I think I'm gonna keep looking.

21. (J.D.) Things were going better for Elliot.

22. - Thanks for the movie. - You're welcome for the movie.

23. (J.D.) For some reason, Jake was able to handle

24. the piping-hot giant bowl of crazy that is Elliot Reid.

25. - Hah! Oh, God! - What is it?

26. I just locked the door when a black guy walked by.

27. Now he's gonna think that I think he's dangerous because he's black,

28. and not just black, but with an actual 'fro and everything,

29. which, trust me, I don't find scary at all.

30. Not like the zigzags and the corn rows and stuff.

31. - My night's ruined. - No way.

32. Hey, did you think she was locking the door because you're black?

33. No. I just thought she was locking the door.

34. Thanks, man. Better?

35. Coolio.

36. Let's go get some ice cream.

37. (J.D.) Unfortunately for Jake,

38. he still had to pass muster with Turk and me,

39. and nothing is quite as daunting as our good guy test.

40. - Well, I could use a beer. - I got this round.

41. Be right back.

42. - Good guy. - Great guy.

43. - Oh, my God. - Excellent choice.

44. And finished.

45. I remember the bordello being a little bit bigger,

46. and there were probably a few more prostitutes,

47. but maybe I just remember it that way 'cause I was a kid.

48. It was my 12th birthday.

49. I asked for a bike.

50. I got a 48-year-old whore.

51. It's beautiful.

52. It's almost a shame I get these casts off in a week.

53. - A month. - A what?

54. Yeah, I worked too hard on this. You can take 'em off in a month.

55. I'll call my orthopedist.

56. Dr. Murphy, I'd have more sympathy if this were the first time

57. you'd broke both your feet working in the morgue.

58. Sir, it's like those corpses are out to get me.

59. Heh! If only.

60. Anyway, I need you to give up this thing.

61. No offense, son, but I can't have a delusional bozo like you

62. driving a motorized vehicle around this hospital.

63. Well, if it isn't the Sullivan street cathouse!

64. What are you doing?

65. Dr. Kelso told me to stand here at exactly 12:05 with my lunch,

66. - but I don't know why. - See you later, sucko!

67. (whistles) All right, everybody, gather around here.

68. Circle it up, will you? Bring it in nice and tight.

69. Look, I know I'm pretty quick to point out

70. other people's mistakes,

71. but... I have a son now, and I also realize that it's important

72. to recognize when someone does something right.

73. Mr. Blake, down in bed 3, came in here with what seemed like

74. a basic heart block,

75. but someone took the time to find out that recently he'd been camping,

76. and correctly diagnosed him with Lyme carditis.

77. Now, I'm sure some of you are gonna think this is a silly exercise,

78. but I'd like that someone to step forward

79. and stick your hand up in the air

80. so that the group can recognize your great good work.

81. This is no time to be modest. Come now...

82. Oh, my God, it was me!

83. I did it. I'm a genius. I'm a huge brain in a ripped-up body.

84. I am Jesus H. Cox. M.D.

85. Still I probably couldn't have done it by myself,

86. so I'd like to go ahead

87. and recognize some of the other players who were involved.

88. There was the intern who originally misdiagnosed the patient.

89. - That's me, daddy. - Put your hand down, Lonnie.

90. And then there was the resident who confirmed that misdiagnosis.

91. In my defense, I was up late watching a Designing Women marathon.

92. And last but not least, there was the surgeon

93. who wanted to crack open Mr. Blake's chest like a walnut

94. and put in a pacemaker that he didn't even need.

95. Now, he's too modest to introduce himself to the group,

96. so I'll do the honors.

97. He is so black, so bald,

98. and he can't eat cupcakes because he's got diabetes.

99. Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Turk.

100. Can you just get out of here so we can get back to work?

101. Not until people start chanting my name,

102. so that I can exit the room with my hands held high above my head

103. in a victorious gesture. Capisce?

104. See, this diagnosing machine— this fabulous thing...

105. well, it runs on props,

106. so I'm going to need to hear it. Come now.

107. (all chanting weakly) Cox... Cox... Cox...

108. Me. Me. Me. Oh, so me!

109. I've never connected with a guy like this before.

110. I mean, even though it's only been 2 weeks,

111. I already feel like I know Jake better than I know myself.

112. - What does he do for a living? - I should know that.

113. What's the sex like?

114. What makes you think that I have slept with him?

115. For starters, you've known him more than 10 minutes.

116. You are a weird and angry man!

117. Two bits.

118. Look, I have just been thinking about all of my relationships,

119. and every time one has potential, I go too fast and ruin everything.

120. Long story short, Jake's not gettin' any.

121. Oh, please. You're 1/2 a glass of wine away from nuding up

122. and doing your go-to move.

123. - Which is? - Her on top, eyes closed

124. yelling, "don't look at me! Don't look at me!"

125. - Sex is disgusting. - I know, sweetie.

126. Look...

127. I am attracted to Jake, but I'm an adult.

128. I can control my urges.

129. No means no.

130. Ahem. Gotta go.

131. - 'Night, Elliot. - Good night, Jake.

132. I'll check back with you after I look in on a few other patients.

133. Mr. Evans!

134. What the hell?

135. 4, please.

136. Try not to breathe on the chrome, lurch.

137. Out of my way, minions.

138. Hey, kid, you might want to pick up a pamphlet

139. on that new thing called chewing.

140. - Hey, can I get— - (car alarm chirps)

141. - One second. - (all) Cox! Cox! Cox! Cox! Cox! Cox!

142. - I eat here all the time. - Oh, yeah.

143. Guy's choking!

144. I can't clear his airway. Call 911!

145. - Let's go! - He'll be brain dead by—

146. I'm gonna do an emergency trach. Let me get a knife!

147. A clean knife!

148. And can I get a number 2, no sour cream?

149. Hey, now, great work back there, Gandhi. What a story, huh?

150. Blood, bravery, illegal immigrants— it had it all.

151. Hell, when you tell Carla about this,

152. the next time you two have sex,

153. there's a slight chance that she actually just might think about you.

154. Perry, Perry, Perry...

155. you know what the difference between us is?

156. Well, besides the fact the I can carry a conversation

157. without checking my own reflection every 5 seconds?

158. I'm sorry. I get lost in my eyes.

159. Anyway, I'm not gonna tell anyone about this

160. because unlike you...

161. (pop)

162. Unlike you, I got into medicine to help people,

163. not for my own personal glory.

164. Yeah. Now that's just a load of crap.

165. Turns out the only reason anybody ever does anything

166. is the feed the ego, because that's what we are— ego monsters.

167. Mark my words—

168. eventually you will tell people what you did.

169. Oh, we'll see.

170. - Yeah, we'll see. - Yeah. We will see.

171. We will so see!

172. - Want to call it? - That's a pretty good idea.

173. See you later.

174. I don't know how much longer I can avoid sleeping with Jake, man.

175. It's easy. If you ever find yourself in a romantic situation,

176. just do something that's a complete turn-off.

177. You know, like how you can swallow your whole fist.

178. Huh.

179. (murmuring) No way! She can't do that!

180. Calm down, boys. Let me just ask.

181. Can you really swallow your whole fist?

182. - Yeah. - (all) Ooh...

183. Shh... don't ruin it.

184. Men are twisted.

185. (sighs) Do you guys have any other ideas?

186. You know what? I really don't have time to be dealing with your little sex pickle.

187. Really? She spent 2 years dealing with yours.

188. - Ha! - I hate that thing.

189. Sir, you probably haven't noticed this,

190. but the floors around here are so clean

191. you can see yourself in them.

192. Hmm... why you handsome son of a gun!

193. Have you looked at me lately, fellas?

194. Oh, bellisimo!

195. I know we haven't taken care of that whole asbestos thing from the '90s,

196. and I know some toilets flush upward...

197. Get to the point. My batter power is running low.

198. The one thing that I'm proud of is that these floors are so clean

199. you could eat off of 'em.

200. Why is that?

201. If you're going to throw food on the floor,

202. you can just eat there from now on.

203. Soup night was the worst.

204. All-righty. Point proving time.

205. Carla, I assume tubby hubby here told you all about

206. what happened at the taco stand.

207. Please tell me you didn't try to get free guacamole again

208. by telling them you were married to one of their people.

209. No, I did not!

210. Because I don't have the need to make everything about me.

211. See, I'm not that pathetic.

212. So what did happen at the taco stand?

213. Oh...

214. (J.D.) There are certain people in life

215. who know how to push your buttons...

216. Well, the guy started choking so naturally I sprung into action

217. and gave him an emergency trach.

218. - (gasps) - Yeah.

219. (J.D.) ... so it's important to have a plan to deal with it,

220. even if it means never being alone with someone.

221. Wow, this Body Heat's a sexy movie, huh?

222. Mmm, doesn't Kathleen Turner have dynamite nerps?

223. Yeah.

224. (J.D.) Of course, if that person is stubborn,

225. there's not much you can do.

226. I'm sorry, son. I'd love to help you out,

227. but I could give a horse's patootie about your floors.

228. My floors are my children!

229. I've given them names!

230. (J.D.) The key is to figure out a way

231. to not let them get the best of you.

232. Honestly, it was like death and I had a staring match

233. and, well, death blinked.

234. All of you know I'm not one to toot my own horn, but...

235. Beep beep.

236. Ok, that's it! That's it! I can't take this anymore! That's it!

237. I saved the guy, people. Death blinked at me!

238. You got that? He blinked at me!

239. - Ok? - Yeah-ha-ha-ha!

240. Oh, doesn't that feel so much better? I am so proud of you.

241. Well struck. So, so very proud.

242. Oh, yes.

243. And it's just the way I called it.

244. Grandpa goatee to win, pee pants to place,

245. and wrong-way Wally not to finish.

246. - He does have glaucoma. - Well, I should have been told that!

247. It wouldn't have mattered, Jordan.

248. You know why? Because I am always right.

249. It's something my old pal Gandhi here knows a little something about

250. because you see, we are both egotistical peas

251. in a giant narcissistic pod.

252. And to prove my point,

253. I am going to go ahead and make an unnecessarily showy

254. but undeniably impressive exit.

255. Rope time, Gandhi.

256. Feel it. I'll see you later.

257. I would so mock him right now if I wasn't so turned on.

258. I'm not like that, am I?

259. Actually, Turk, you are slightly Coxish.

260. Yeah. I mean, the way you do that stupid victory dance

261. every time you win the slightest argument.

262. - No, I don't. - Maybe not.

263. You know, Turk, you were right. Next year is not a leap year.

264. Damn it!

265. Thanks for giving me a ride to work.

266. I hope you didn't mind J.D. tagging along.

267. Uh-uh. Maybe next time we'll let you sit up front.

268. Well, maybe next time she'll yell "shotgun" a little faster.

269. - Bye. - Bye.

270. Elliot, you can't keep taking J.D. everywhere you go.

271. Sooner or later you're gonna have to trust yourself.

272. No, I won't, Carla. The system is working. Trust me.

273. I will not be having sex with Jake anytime soon.

274. That seems like a strange thing to announce to your friends.

275. - Oh... - I just came back to get my keys.

276. (J.D.) This is so awkward.

277. Look away. Look away!

278. All your references checked out.

279. I never gave you any references.

280. - Where the hell's my rascal? - (beep beep)

281. How do you like my new floor waxer?

282. That's not yours! That's my car thing.

283. - You just painted it! - I did not.

284. You've got green paint on your face.

285. I do n— Well... That's not paint. That's pudding.

286. You know what? Even if this was the rascal

287. you were riding around, you can't prove anything.

288. And it's no good to hide it from me 'cause I got keys to everything.

289. Except the third floor mental ward.

290. Someone stole that one.

291. - Was he smoking a gavel? - Seemed to be.

292. Well, if you'll excuse me, I have work to do— floors to wax!

293. Floors to wax.

294. Why do I have to have my gallbladder taken out?

295. Because, Mr. Hoffner, you have gallstones.

296. Why do I have gallstones?

297. Did you possibly eat a large gall-Boulder

298. and then fall on your stomach?

299. Do I need my gallbladder?

300. Oh, my God. It is a completely useless organ.

301. Oh, wait a minute, that's not completely true.

302. Here, it turns out we could remove it and then jam it in your mouth

303. to keep you from asking the same question

304. we've been going over for 3 straight days.

305. Now, come on. We're both in a position to get some good news here.

306. You're gonna feel better,

307. and I'm gonna get the world's most annoying patient

308. the hell out of my hair.

309. Plus, you're in a bonus situation.

310. I hand-picked the surgeon that you're going to be torturing.

311. Here he is now.

312. Is this the gallbladder guy?

313. Do I need my gallbladder?

314. - Enjoy. - (sighs)

315. I'm giving up on men.

316. - Just call him. - You can't make me.

317. Well, unfortunately for you,

318. I happen to know that the guy you're dating

319. is always under speed dial number one.

320. (ring) (man on phone) Constipation hotline.

321. 2 is your current boyfriend.

322. - (ring) - (Jake) Hello?

323. Frick!

324. Listen, Jake...

325. Look, it's not that I'm never going to have sex with you.

326. I'm going to, and believe me,

327. when I am on top with my eyes closed and screaming,

328. you're gonna be happy you waited.

329. Ok, I'm gonna go ahead and take you off speaker phone.

330. - (click) - (Jake) Hi.

331. So, are you a good surgeon?

332. I'm capable.

333. Capable. I'm not sure I want the surgery.

334. Gandhi... a word.

335. Look at, I know what you're doing in there.

336. You think that if you act like Dr. Sad sack

337. that the patient's gonna opt out of surgery,

338. and I'll have to spend yet another week

339. with a man who has such an unnatural attachment to his gallbladder

340. that, left to his own devices,

341. he would rent a motel room and have sex with it.

342. Now, come on. I need you to sling that

343. "I'm gonna get freaky-deeky with my... Chisel...

344. and— and swizzle up the dizzle for my... Bee-ai-itch..."

345. Stuff that you know you do so well.

346. Sorry, I'm not that guy anymore.

347. Are you sure I don't need my gallbladder?

348. Oh... dear... lord.

349. Look, the reason I've been acting so weird

350. and having my friends hang around us all the time

351. is because I really think that we have a shot for something great,

352. and I didn't want to go and ruin it by sleeping with you too fast.

353. I mean, what was I supposed to do?

354. Well, you could have just told me that.

355. Yes, but you're forgetting I'm a crazy person.

356. Elliot, please. Look, everybody has their stuff.

357. Like me. I'm an emotional person.

358. I've always had trouble expressing it.

359. Here, tell me you like my shirt.

360. I like your shirt.

361. Cool.

362. Ok, now tell me my childhood dog Buster was never put down,

363. and we're gonna be reunited this weekend. You can paraphrase.

364. Uh, Buster's coming home.

365. Cool.

366. - (laughs) - See?

367. You see, there's no difference, and buster meant the world to me.

368. I really like you, Elliot, but I'm an adult.

369. I want this to be an adult relationship.

370. If you want to be patient and not have sex right away,

371. then that's fine...

372. Because I think we have a chance or something great too.

373. I want you so bad right now.

374. Cool.

375. Guess I should get goin'.

376. You paged me in the middle of a busy day.

377. - This better be important. - What were you doing?

378. Sleeping in a mop closet.

379. You forced me to do this.

380. Either we figure out a way to share the rascal

381. or neither one of us gets it.

382. It's your move.

383. You've got about 8 seconds before this thing becomes a pile of rubble.

384. 5 seconds.

385. Come on. This is gonna hurt you more than it hurts me.

386. I doubt it.

387. You moved my car there, didn't you?

388. Like I said... A key to everything.

389. Whoops.

390. I know it sounds corny, but we really made a big difference

391. in that person's life in there.

392. I hope she digs her new cans.

393. You did great work.

394. You know, it's not about me.

395. - Assisted 5. I'll take it. - Walk with me.

396. I cannot believe that you, of all people,

397. are the one I have to tell this to.

398. Ego is good, ya dumb-ass.

399. It's the reason that guy wants you to be his surgeon,

400. it's the reason that she is borderline attracted to you,

401. and it's the reason that she so desperately wants to marry you.

402. Page me when you're headed home. (snaps fingers)

403. Bottom line, in medicine,

404. half of pulling it off is believing you're the biggest, smartest

405. badass of a doctor to ever walk these halls.

406. You want to see how you end up if you don't believe that?

407. I don't know how it happened again, but it did.

408. (J.D.) As I gangsta-leaned down the hallway

409. in the rad new wheels I found by the dumpster,

410. I couldn't help but think how ego affects everything.

411. (J.D.) Without a healthy dose of it,

412. you can't trust yourself to do what you really want.

413. I don't think that we're going too quick at all.

414. By the way, what do you do?

415. I make and distribute Hungarian pornography.

416. Oh...

417. I'm a real estate developer.

418. Oh, thank God.

419. (J.D.) Of course, with too much ego

420. you can end up losing something you wish you still had.

421. You ok?

422. I'm not used to walking from my office to the nurses station.

423. (J.D.) But with the right amount, nothing can get in your way.

424. I am going to yank that gallbladder out of you so fast

425. that your spleen is gonna say to your kidney,

426. "What the hell happened to Frank?"

427. That's right, your kidney named your gallbladder Frank.

428. I don't want you to worry about this another second,

429. Mr. Hoffner, ok? 'Cause I'm the man!

430. I am the man.

431. - (honks horn) - Oh... look at you! Ha ha!

432. High 5. Yeoww!

433. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!