Scrubs 4x23

1. (J.D.) One of the reasons Turk and I are so popular around here

2. is that we love helping our fellow doctors.

3. Hey, Hooch.

4. That's my name. Don't wear it out.

5. Classic Hooch.

6. Listen, even though I'm not gonna be paid,

7. I'm gonna cover your shift at the clinic tonight

8. so you can do Mr. Schindler's endoscopy.

9. And I'm gonna cross-cover all of Dr. Turner's patients

10. so Turner can assist you on the procedure.

11. Why are you guys going through so much trouble?

12. Who's doing the endoscopy on Mr. Schindler?

13. - Turner and Hooch! - Turner and Hooch!

14. - Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! - Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

15. - Whoo! Whoo! - All right!

16. - Were you just hooch? - I was, yeah.

17. Everyone hates you guys.

18. - Oh, Hooch. - Hooch is crazy!

19. (J.D.) As much as Hooch loved us, it was even better to see Turk happy.

20. See, he and Carla had recently started couples therapy,

21. and I'm not sure he was enjoying it.

22. Carla says you cry after you orgasm.

23. Would you like to talk about that?

24. No, not really.

25. (J.D.) I decided to help their marriage by moving out,

26. partly because Carla and I had accidentally kissed and messed things up,

27. but mostly because it was time.

28. Still, finding an apartment has not been easy.

29. I'm so sorry about your father.

30. I'm sure he lived a wonderful life at 14 maple drive, apartment 4B.

31. Was he lucky enough to enjoy a washer and drier in his unit while he was alive?

32. Ever mention any hot neighbors?

33. What are you doing in the on-call room?

34. (crying) Nothing.

35. - I gotta go. - Ok.

36. (J.D.) Thankfully, Turk had gotten over the whole kissing incident.

37. Still, there's a weird new thing he does whenever he says good-bye.

38. - Ok, I'll see you around. - Aah!

39. Peace, homey.

40. Do you guys think that Clarissa is more attractive than me?

41. Yes.

42. Who's Clarissa?

43. She's the short, balding woman in the pharmacy.

44. Oh, then definitely, yes.

45. She just got engaged, bad comb-over and all.

46. When Clarissa beats you to the altar,

47. it might be time to hang up the ovaries.

48. Too mean.

49. How am I supposed to meet a guy worth a damn working in this place?

50. Are the guys here really that bad?

51. (panting) 12 minutes door to door!

52. That's a personal best, suckos!

53. Nurse, suction.

54. The patient's not even here yet.

55. I know.

56. I just wish once a cute, thoughtful guy would walk through the door.

57. - Hi. - Hi.

58. Can I get some help? Mi neighbor fainted,

59. and she doesn't like ambulances, so I brought her in myself.

60. Let me take this one, Jenny. You've got a phone call.

61. Oh. I'll call them back.

62. - Your mom died. - What?

63. Her mom's fine. It's just a little running joke we have.

64. She'll be laughing later.

65. Gotcha, Jenny! (Elliot chuckles)

66. Dead mom joke's always funny.

67. So, Betty, you're back with us,

68. and I see you brought a young, handsome buck with you.

69. What, are you trying to make me jealous?

70. - You know you're my gal. - Who are you?

71. I'm Dr. Dorian.

72. I'm the one that's taken care of you the last 19 times you've been in here.

73. (quietly) She's getting a little forgetful.

74. You know how that happens. Are you a relative?

75. No. Neighbor. Well, I met her once.

76. It was raining, and you were wearing a blue sweater.

77. That's a lovely memory, Betty.

78. You know what else is a lovely memory?

79. That Sunday I spent 8 hours helping you join the Wilford Brimley fan club.

80. You don't remember that, do you?

81. If everything's all right here, I'm kinda on my way to the airport.

82. I'm going kayaking with some friends in New Zealand.

83. Cool. So, what are you gonna do there?

84. Mostly kayaking.

85. Oh...

86. So, Betty, I'll check on you the second I get back, ok? You get better now.

87. So, Elliot, the first thing we're gonna need to do is—

88. - Is Dr. Reid coming back? - Oh, don't worry about her, Betty.

89. You're in good hands with Dr. Dorian.

90. Who's that?

91. That's me, Betty. Dr. Dorian.

92. Cocoon. Wilford Brimley, Steve Guttenberg the whole day. No?

93. Hey, Jake...

94. So, you're probably rushing home

95. to wipe the old-person smell off before your trip, huh?

96. Excuse me?

97. I'm just kidding. I love old people.

98. Still, there's no denying they have a distinctive smell.

99. I mean, it's nothing bad. It's like a general mustiness.

100. Like, you know, when you get your cast taken off,

101. and skin mold...

102. Well, I got a flight to catch.

103. - You guys need me to sign anything? - No. You're good.

104. Ok, then.

105. Hats off there, Barbie.

106. The was one potent combination of verbal diarrhea and stunned silence.

107. You should have just asked him out. Men love that.

108. No, Carla, men don't love that.

109. It turns out we don't love picnics, foreplay, candles,

110. baths, photo albums, or when you drive so that we canrelax.

111. And, as always, we're not the big on Hugh Jackman.

112. Look, The only thing men actually care about as far as dating is concerned

113. is the chase.

114. If you want that guy to look your way,

115. listen to me carefully, ignore the living hell out of him.

116. That's the worst advice I've ever heard.

117. Good point, Carla. Say, you happen to have any other gems

118. you want to lay on us before you run off to couples therapy

119. to sift through the wreckage that is the first year of your marriage, do ya?

120. Look, Dr. Cox, I'm sure that you are fantastic at picking up men. Really.

121. Ha-ha!

122. But I can handle this one on my own, thank you.

123. Ow! (scoffs)

124. Some people just cannot take a good "your mom is dead" joke, you know?

125. Ah.

126. Anyway, I worry that sometimes when I'm tense,

127. I can be a little condescending.

128. Actually, I've noticed that.

129. Have you really noticed it, Mr. Therapist?

130. Chris, what's going on with you?

131. Nothing worth talking about.

132. This is your third visit, and you've yet to say anything real

133. about how you're feeling.

134. That's because I don't think there's anything wrong with our relationship.

135. I think you pretend that everything's ok, even though deep down inside,

136. a lot of things are bothering you.

137. So come on, tell me what you're thinking right now.

138. I'm staring at that picture above your head.

139. Is that one of those psychological ink blot tests

140. where I try and figure out what it is? Because if so...

141. I'm seeing a duck.

142. - Let's take a break. - Ok.

143. But, Hooch, if the patient just has simple cellulitis,

144. why aren't the antibiotics working?

145. Damn it, Turner, it just doesn't make sense!

146. (J.D.) Even though I had created a super medical crime-fighting team,

147. I felt lousy.

148. See, I had just told Betty that her lungs had finally given out,

149. and that she wasn't gonna leave the hospital this time.

150. So...

151. What are my choices?

152. Well, we could put you on a breathing machine,

153. but it's unlikely you'd ever come off of it.

154. Or I could just make sure you're as comfortable as possible.

155. (J.D.) "As comfortable as possible."

156. I've said that a million times, but I still have no idea what it means.

157. Here you go, Betty. That's every cotton ball in the hospital.

158. Oh...

159. (giddily) I am very, very comfortable!

160. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

161. Then you're ready to die.

162. Look, Betty, is there anyone you'd like to talk this over with?

163. She just wants to talk to you for a minute.

164. Yeah? About what?

165. Just about how and when she should die.

166. Oh, that's not a problem.

167. I counsel most of my random neighbors on their deathbeds.

168. Look, this woman is alone, she's depressed,

169. and for some reason she feels like she's connected with you.

170. Look, I'm sorry. I wouldn't know what to say.

171. That's great. Keep it light.

172. Open with a joke, and before you know it,

173. you and your raft will be on a 4-hour trip to New Zealand.

174. No, it's more like 14 hours.

175. (J.D.) Oh, no, you're dangerously close

176. to revealing that geography is your Achilles heel.

177. Say something smart to regain credibility.

178. Vesa-Vegal Syncopy is mediated by the autonomic nervous system.

179. And Betty needs you, pal. She does. Come on. Do it.

180. You'll feel good. Trust me.

181. Trust you? You don't even know where New Zealand is.

182. You can dance your way there from old Zealand.

183. You an idiot?

184. Elliot, my neighbor fainted too. (chuckles)

185. Hey, you want to go clubbing tonight? And I don't mean dancing.

186. I mean going up to the roof and killing rats.

187. Janitor, I thought we were done with this.

188. I know. Thought I'd give it a shot.

189. Just put her back in her room.

190. She's not a patient.

191. I got her at the mall.

192. Better get you back to the food court, huh?

193. Your husband's probably come to by now.

194. (Elliot) Oh, my God, here he comes.

195. Ok, this is easy. Just compliment him.

196. Tell him he has a square head.

197. That's not a compliment. What shape is a compliment?

198. Triangle? Pyramid? Circle. Circle head.

199. Oh, my God, you're stuck on shapes, and square head's almost here!

200. To hell with it. Just do what Dr. Cox said and ignore him.

201. Hey, Elliot.

202. Hmm.

203. That girl's kind cute. What's her story?

204. - She's a dude. - Yeah?

205. Gotta look at the Adam's apple, buddy.

206. Couples therapy is killing me.

207. I don't know how you do it,

208. make love with your lady in front of some old dude who's filming you?

209. That's not couples therapy, Todd.

210. Then what did I do?

211. You did amateur porn.

212. Sweet.

213. J.D. you got a sec?

214. - Sure. I'll be with you in a minute, man. - Ok.

215. So check this out.

216. Our therapist says I'm the type of guy who pretends everything's ok,

217. even when I'm upset deep down inside.

218. No, I think that's true. I mean, if you look at the whole Carla kissing thing,

219. I think intellectually you moved on, but emotionally you're still upset.

220. - You'll get there though, pal. - I'm not upset.

221. Really? Oh, ok... I'll see you later. Bye.

222. - Ow! You see? - See what?

223. Let's try it again. I'll see you later, buddy. Bye.

224. - Bye. - Ow! Always the same spot!

225. It's like your fingers are stone.

226. Last time. I'll see you later, b... Hey! Look at yourself.

227. I've been hitting you?

228. Yeah. You're like the brown hulk.

229. Hey, how's it going in here, you two?

230. Well, pretty good. Pretty good. We talked about her past.

231. Betty even let me in on a few of her romantic trysts from her younger days.

232. Are you familiar with Mr. David Brinkley?

233. - No way. - Yeah.

234. - Betty. - (laughs)

235. Then when we finally got down to talking for real,

236. well, it became pretty obvious that Betty had already made a decision.

237. Ok.

238. (J.D.) The thing that impressed me most about Jake,

239. besides his perfectly square head,

240. was that he faced this whole Betty thing straight on.

241. (J.D.) He didn't hide because he was afraid to admit someone was right...

242. Why so happy?

243. No reason.

244. (J.D.) He didn't run because he was scared of facing his own feelings.

245. Baby, I'm not gonna be able to make therapy tonight.

246. - I got surgery. - Fine.

247. (J.D.) Of course, he wouldn't have been able to do it

248. if it weren't for his secret weapon—

249. Dr. John Dorian.

250. - What? - What?

251. You just said your name in a weird kind of summing up way.

252. - No, I didn't, Jake. - Oh, so you're Jake.

253. As I understand it, you just talked my sister into ending her life.

254. Long story short.

255. I'm a lawyer. I'm suing you.

256. Once again. Sister dying, brother lawyer, suing you!

257. See, that's summing up in a weird way.

258. Yeah.

259. "Brother lawyer..." That's it.

260. I can't believe this is happening.

261. Everything's gonna be fine. You just trust me.

262. - Is that him? - Yes.

263. Here's Ted, our brilliant hospital attorney. Sharp as a tack.

264. Mark my word, Jake, we're gonna take every last cent you have!

265. No, no, Ted. We're on his side.

266. Oh. Here's my card.

267. This is a post-it.

268. I don't get real cards until I win a case.

269. Go take a nap, Ted.

270. He spelled "attorney" wrong.

271. "Buy groceries, kill self."

272. Just admit it. You've been sent from the future to destroy me.

273. I am not from the future, Jake.

274. Gesundheit, Carol.

275. Yes! It finally worked! What are the odds?

276. I don't know what the odds are, J.D.

277. What I do know is I'm about to go down to my truck,

278. get my kayak paddle, and go Greg Barton on your ass.

279. - Who's Greg Barton? - He's a famous kayaker.

280. Oh, Greg Barton.

281. I hate you. J.D.

282. I know.

283. Dr. Cox, this is the most painful thing I've ever done,

284. and I was a cutter for a week in high school.

285. My shop teacher thought scars were sexy,

286. but that's a whole other story.

287. The point is, your advice really worked with Jake,

288. and I'd really appreciate it if you'd give me some more help.

289. Oh, no problem, Barbie.

290. Let me just finish writing this prescription,

291. and you'll be all squared away.

292. This is a prescription for "no."

293. Correctomundo. To be taken with food every Saturday night

294. while you're eating alone.

295. I don't think you understand the severity of the situation here.

296. I am dangerously close to giving up men all together.

297. Then on behalf of men everywhere and I do mean everywhere,

298. including the ones in the little mud huts,

299. let me be the first to say thanks and hallelujah.

300. Elliot, so you see the problem with trying to appeal to its human side?

301. He doesn't have one.

302. Exactly. But what does he have?

303. A shaved chest, a closetful of tiny T-shirts, and the eyes of a madman.

304. Oh, I'm sorry.

305. The correct answer she was looking for is a giant ego.

306. - I have a giant ego. - Damn it! I knew that.

307. Would you just appeal to it so I can go get something to eat?

308. You're amazing.

309. And I'm in.

310. Dr. Kelso, you can't do that.

311. I didn't.

312. Your friend Turkleton did.

313. But I can do whatever I want.

314. Heh-heh-heh-heh. You look ridiculous.

315. I thought we were doing moustaches on Sunday.

316. I didn't do this. Kelso did!

317. You invited Kelso to moustache Sunday?

318. Enough with the moustaches, dude.

319. Are you responsible for breaking up Turner and Hooch?

320. I needed an excuse to get out of couples counseling.

321. Dude, I can't open up, man. I just can't do it.

322. Besides, this way no one gets hurt.

323. - We had a hell of a run, man. - Just get out of here.

324. Maybe I should just go talk to him.

325. Forget Dennis. He's a horrible person. Ok?

326. We'll never be able to change his mind. We need to focus on Betty, ok?

327. We'll just have her explain how she feels. Problem solved.

328. "Betty's in a coma." You know what? I'm gonna talk to Dennis.

329. He seems like a reasonable guy.

330. Hey, Jake. How's it going?

331. Oh, I've had better days. How are you?

332. Listen to me, barbacious, you gotta stay the course here.

333. You gotta keep ignoring him.

334. But I'm already ignoring him. How do I ignore him more?

335. Ah, piece of cake. First you engage him, then you ignore him.

336. Elliot? I said how are you?

337. I actually don't have time for this, ok? I'm a doctor.

338. - But you asked me how I was. - Yeah, trying to save lives here.

339. It's not always about you.

340. Buddy, you would not believe the day I'm having.

341. Quiet, jackass. What did you say to Elliot to make her run off like that?

342. - 'Cause if you hurt her— - I didn't say anything.

343. - Everyone around here is crazy. - That's not true.

344. Let me put down my bag of rats and explain something to you.

345. A bag of rats, are those alive?

346. Most of them are. I put a dead one in the middle.

347. That way all the live ones get a good look at him,

348. they start toeing that line. Know what I'm saying?

349. I very much don't.

350. It's pretty simple.

351. Take a canvas bag...

352. Jailbreak!

353. Look, you're gonna do whatever you want with your sister,

354. but Jake's just trying to help.

355. He's a stand-up guy, and I think you should leave him alone.

356. If you do I think it will be dy-no-mite.

357. Sorry, I was just watching good times in the doctors lounge.

358. Yeah. I'm gonna screw him to the wall.

359. Can you believe this guy?

360. Son, look around.

361. There's an old man with Alzheimer's who no one bothers to come visit.

362. This morning I had a chat with a woman

363. who refuses to stop using cocaine, even though she's 6 months pregnant.

364. And just last week I saw an older woman fall and break her hip

365. because some guy was too busy to hold the door open for her.

366. So you laughed and pointed when she fell.

367. I didn't say it wasn't funny.

368. I just said it happened. Come on.

369. When's the last time you saw a glimpse of humanity in this place?

370. (J.D.) Kelso had a point. I mean, in the outside world,

371. you'll occasionally see a stream of cars drive by an old woman with a flat tire,

372. but around here, every time you round a corner...

373. Well, she fell again.

374. (J.D.) Anyway, I knew what I had to do.

375. Just go, Jake.

376. No one here knows your last name.

377. If anything happens, they'll never be able to find you.

378. Go enjoy your little rafting thing in New Zealand.

379. Which, incidentally, is 10,000 miles east of Australia

380. and famous for alcoholism and clam chowder.

381. I've been brushing up on my New Zealand.

382. You've been brushing up on New England.

383. Well, go anyway.

384. Wherever it is you're rafting.

385. (Dr. Cox whistles) Newbie, where's he going?

386. He just left.

387. Barbie!

388. Go get him! I... believe in you.

389. No, you don't.

390. You just want me to go and embarrass myself so you can laugh at me.

391. It's just like the time you told me the hospital fund raiser was a costume party.

392. I walked into a black-tie dinner dressed as Clarence Thomas.

393. I was in a costume too.

394. You wore an Armani tux.

395. I went as someone who doesn't make a fool out of himself.

396. How'd you not get that?

397. Oh!

398. Thank you.

399. I just got my sister into the hospital across town,

400. so I can finally get her out of this hell hole.

401. Hey, I personally see to it that every inch of this building

402. is up to the highest standards and codes.

403. Well, that's just bad timing.

404. Come back here.

405. (J.D.) And then something surprising happened.

406. Well, look who's back.

407. Look, buddy, I—

408. I barely know your sister, and I certainly don't know you,

409. but like it or not, she told me what she wanted, and I'm gonna honor that.

410. Anyway, I'm gonna go ahead and stay here

411. till I can figure out a way to make you understand that,

412. even if I have to get myself a lawyer.

413. Not you.

414. They're smart, they are organized, and they've got my keys.

415. (J.D.) It's amazing how a selfless gesture can affect so many people.

416. One man saw someone who didn't run away from a problem,

417. and found the courage to do the same.

418. I got something I'd like to share today.

419. - Really? - Yeah.

420. I don't like it when Carla pinches my nipples when we're having sex.

421. Baby, that's one of the reasons why I cry,

422. because you pinch them too hard and it hurts.

423. (J.D.) One man was pushed to make the right decision.

424. Just make her as comfortable as possible.

425. (J.D.) And another man realized

426. it's ok to be a decent human being for once.

427. Well, he's definitely leaving for good this time there, Barbie.

428. I'd say go for it.

429. - Why won't you leave me alone? - Oh, I don't know.

430. Maybe because the NHL is on strike,

431. and I'm not getting my fill of toothless men knocking the hell out of each other.

432. Or maybe because for the first time in 4 years,

433. I'd actually like to see you happy for a change.

434. Believe whatever you want. I don't really care.

435. Jake the snake is bearing down on you,

436. and if I were you, I'd step up to him,

437. look him straight in the eye with those beautiful blues and...

438. invite him out for a cup of coffee before he escapes.

439. Hey...

440. can I buy you a cup of coffee before you escape?

441. What now?

442. I mean go.

443. Yeah. That'd be nice.

444. Great.

445. Ah, that's a cute couple.

446. I give them a week.

447. I can make sure of that.

448. - Rat? - No, thanks.

449. Oh, congratulations, Clarissa.

450. (J.D.) As for me, seeing Jake come back

451. and do the right thing restored my faith in humanity.

452. I can't believe

453. that 6 young men stopped to help an old lady change a tire.

454. And don't you forget who put that tire on

455. and tightened those lug nuts, Martha.

456. Ok, sweetie, have fun at the swap meet.

457. Drive safe.

458. Righty loosey, lefty tighty.

459. (J.D.) It still felt good.