Scrubs 4x22

Directed by Victor Nelli Jr.

Sam Lloyd as Ted Buckland • Robert Maschio as Todd • Michael Copon as Pedro • Sarah Ramos as Lindsay • Piolet Thompkins as Roland

J.D. and Carla get the silent treatment from Turk, who can't seem to control his emotions, after learning about their kiss. Dr. Cox reluctantly seeks the help of Elliot, when an epileptic patient won't listen to him. The Janitor feels emasculated by his new uniform. Jordan trys Botox.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. (J.D.) Let me explain. Turk and Carla's marriage

2. was in trouble because of some dumb stuff Turk had done,

3. so last night, I took Carla out to smooth things over.

4. Long story short— we smooched.

5. Sorry. Drunken accident.

6. It was barely more than a friend kiss,

7. so Carla and I decided not to tell Turk.

8. Or so I thought.

9. J.D. and I kissed.

10. (J.D.) Was it a comfortable silence?

11. No. And I'm not going to be the one who breaks it.

12. Unfortunately, I had one of Rowdy's hairs caught in my throat.

13. Uh-oh.

14. I guess there's a lot of things

15. that can knock you on your ass.

16. Like, for instance, when the 17-year-old neighbor

17. doesn't see you as a smoking hottie anymore.

18. Oh. Pedro?

19. I can't seem to find my pencil.

20. Do you have any idea where it might be?

21. Oh, it's right there between your bosoms... ma'am.

22. "Ma'am"?

23. You just ma'amed your way out of me ever buying you beer again.

24. - (door closes) - "Ma'am"?

25. (J.D.) And of course, the one thing you can always count on

26. to knock you on your ass...

27. Aaahhh!

28. (J.D.) Floor wax.

29. Uncanny.

30. Dr. Kelso, while I got you here,

31. I need to discuss a hospital matter of grave importance.

32. - What is it? - I'm not happy with my uniform.

33. Ah, new janitor uniforms!

34. Top priority. Right up there with silk jammies for the patients

35. and a cat door for the I.C.U.

36. I made some sketches.

37. This one has a cape!

38. Well, it gives me the option of fighting crime.

39. After work, of course.

40. Now, this one... has sort of a medieval thing goin'.

41. That's you on a horse?

42. It's a steed, sir.

43. That's for cleanups in outer space.

44. This one's... outer space...

45. evening wear. This one's just a kangaroo.

46. Sometimes I draw kangaroos.

47. You know, I could look at the demented crayon sketchings

48. of a madman all day, but I got a hospital to run.

49. Did you wax over there yet?

50. - No, sir. - Mmm.

51. Aaahhh!

52. I'll get a new uniform,

53. or I'll wax everything in your world.

54. Oh, hey there. Wait till you get a load of this.

55. They're giving me a teaching award tonight,

56. so I'm gonna need you to go ahead and holster up the twins,

57. as you'll be playin' the role of arm candy.

58. Yeah, I'm not going. If I wanna hear someone go on and on

59. about how great you are, I'll just listen to you during sex.

60. I'm hearing the hate, but I'm not seeing the hate. You...

61. Oh, my God.

62. Did you botex your face into an expressionless mask?

63. Pedro called me "ma'am."

64. Ahh, damn it, Jordan, come on.

65. Now, you know I'm generally ok

66. with you putting any poison you want into your body,

67. but this is the first time I've ever won anything.

68. It's not that bad.

69. Really! Show me... Happy.

70. Sad.

71. Silly.

72. Amused. Bemused. C-mused.

73. Show me... angry.

74. - (thud) - Ohhhh! Ooh...

75. (Cox, high voice) You got angry down.

76. (J.D.) When we got to work, not a whole lot had changed.

77. The silence was killing me.

78. You kissed my wife.

79. (J.D.) I miss the silence.

80. Did you like it?

81. Well, it's kind of a trick question, Turk.

82. I mean, if I say yes, it's like I'm sayin',

83. "Damn, dude, your wife is hot and I'd like to get me some of that."

84. But if I say no, then I'm all like, "Yo, I know she's your wife,

85. but you can keep that fish-lipped bitty."

86. How about you, Carla? Did you like it?

87. No! His lips are chappy.

88. I can't use lip balm. I always end up eating it.

89. When I was little, I used to spread it on crackers.

90. (Elliot) Ah! Well, if it isn't the happy couple.

91. Oh, and Turk's here too!

92. Ok. Are we not laughing about this yet?

93. Turk, look, I'm so sorry, but you have to believe me.

94. - It was barely anything. - It was barely even a kiss, dude.

95. It was like an accidental lip bump, like, oops.

96. Ohhh! Don't even look at her.

97. - Sit on the floor! - Sitting.

98. Fine. I'll show you with Elliot.

99. Something wonderful is happening.

100. I don't understand why you're butting in on my patient,

101. you know, outside of your usual arrogance and God complex.

102. I don't know what you're talkin' about. Kiss my ring.

103. However, if you'd like to know about why I'm butting in...

104. it's because your young patient Lindsay here,

105. when she was 10 years old,

106. I'm the one who diagnosed her with epilepsy.

107. And now that her medication is no longer controlling her seizures,

108. I'd like to know what's going on.

109. Besides, over the years, Lindsay and I have developed quite a rapport.

110. Hey. Lindsay.

111. (Dr. Cox) What's up, girlfriend?

112. See? Rapport.

113. Aaahh!

114. The damn janitor waxed the counter!

115. Give me that phone.

116. It doesn't have to be like this.

117. I know.

118. Here.

119. It's beautiful.

120. Uh, you don't have to put it on today, b-but—

121. Hey, we're kinda in the middle of something here!

122. This'll just take a second.

123. Nice, huh?

124. Who gets a tattoo of a mop?

125. - Can I get up? My butt is asleep. - No!

126. Turk... you know how I was so upset

127. because you started calling your ex-girlfriend?

128. I just couldn't understand

129. how a married person could slip up like that.

130. Now I do.

131. I'm so sorry.

132. Me, too, buddy.

133. Guys... as insane as this may sound,

134. I'm actually gonna be ok with this.

135. Just do me a favor. No more apologies.

136. And no more explanations.

137. And for the love of God, honey,

138. no more girl-on-girl kissing demonstrations.

139. Something horrible has happened.

140. I'll tell you why Lindsay's seizures are back.

141. Her blood work shows her Dilantin is at zero.

142. - She's not takin' her medicine. - What?

143. I'm gonna give that girl a serious talking to.

144. With all due respect, Dr. Cox, maybe I should talk to her.

145. With no due respect whatsoever, why?

146. Well, she's a teenage girl. That's an awkward time.

147. You know, your breasts are growing... not always symmetrically.

148. Um, you like boys. Maybe one gives you a ride home.

149. You think something's gonna happen, but it doesn't,

150. and that just makes it official that you're a lopsided freak!

151. Happy ending, though— lefty caught up in college.

152. Barbie! I have a finite amount of brain space,

153. and your inspiring story of thelittle breast

154. who couldn't just pushed out my memory

155. of the 1980 Olympic hockey team's victory at lake placid.

156. Miracle on ice... (whistles) gone.

157. Listen to me carefully.

158. I know all about what it's like to be a teenage girl. Wah, wah, wah.

159. Of course, I never had to try to convince my mother

160. that I sure would've liked a naval ring.

161. Oh, well, we were all going to Jamaica, and my friend Susie—

162. Brain space.

163. Turk. You've been so awesome,

164. but we still need you to know how innocent the kiss was.

165. Guys, it's cool. Don't even worry about it.

166. Just watch, buddy.

167. See?

168. (Carla) Mmm!

169. Aah!

170. Get your hands off my woman!

171. Ohhh!

172. I think you separated my shoulder. The pain is excruciating.

173. Whaaaat?

174. Looking good, janitor.

175. Well, thank you, petite lady.

176. Wow! That color really brings out your package.

177. Thank you... supposedly straight surgeon.

178. - It's a good day. - Hey, buddy!

179. That's a great suit!

180. - Ha ha ha ha! - Ha ha ha!

181. Don't bust the new uni.

182. Ha ha ha! Little boy blue! Blow your horn.

183. He didn't stop.

184. Stop.

185. This hallway's closed. You have to find another way around.

186. Whatever. You got somethin' here, though.

187. - What? - Rranhh-oh!

188. - (chuckles) - What's that?

189. I don't know. You look so cute in your little blue outfit,

190. I wanted to give you a tickle.

191. Uh-oh!

192. All right, what the hell is goin' on?

193. Feel free to take notes.

194. All right there, blossom. Here's the hot gossip.

195. You're having seizures again

196. because you're not taking your medication.

197. If this continues, you will be dead.

198. And I'm not talking about the "Oh, my God, if I don't get invited

199. to the prom, I'm going to die" type of dead.

200. I'm talking dead dead. Is that clear enough for you?

201. Because if it's not, I... could, of course, text you on my BlackBerry

202. or my blueberry or my Chuck Berry,

203. although technically, Chuck Berry is a BlackBerry.

204. The point is, you gotta stop wasting everybody's time and grow up.

205. Is that clear to you, sweetheart?

206. Yes, Dr. Cox.

207. Thatagirl. Barbie?

208. (Dr. Cox) Feel free to kiss my ring.

209. (J.D.) It's nice when things get back to normal.

210. Hey, guys.

211. - Hey, Carla. - Hey.

212. You gotta try these sweet potato fries. They're amazing.

213. - Put some ketchup on it. - You got it.

214. Aahh!

215. (J.D.) Like I said before, small things can knock you on your ass.

216. Whether it's realizing

217. that nobody's afraid of you anymore...

218. Good lord!

219. Or finding out that you have no idea how to deal with a teenage girl.

220. Nice work.

221. The important thing is to not make a scene in the cafeteria.

222. Want another one?

223. - Aah! - Turk!

224. What? What? Were you gonna eat that?

225. How about this— let's all have fries, huh?

226. Let's all have fries!

227. - You want fries? - Turk, you said you were ok!

228. - My fries! - Well, apparently I'm not ok,

229. am I, Carla? Apparently, I'm not!

230. You know why? Because kisses just don't happen. They don't.

231. Now, this is somebody's fault, and I wanna know whose.

232. (Turk) Huh?

233. Forget fries!

234. Admittedly, I lost my cool here.

235. - No, Turk, it's understandable. - No! Why would you—

236. I'm sorry... But the only way I'm gonna have closure here

237. is if I can blame one of you guys.

238. I just gotta figure out who.

239. All right, this'll all be fine. You know Turk. I mean...

240. Whomever he blames will get the silent treatment for a couple days,

241. then he'll make snarky comments for a few months,

242. and then sooner or later, he'll be laughing about the whole thing.

243. It's just like the time I slept with his family's cleaning lady.

244. Ohh! You slept with Toonie?

245. I was staying in their guest room and she was buffing the nightstand,

246. and she just kept on buffin'.

247. But, hey, thanks for takin' the hit on this one.

248. Me? Nuh-uh. Nuh-uh. You're his best friend.

249. All you have to do is say, "I'm sorry," high-five him and go, "ahh!"

250. But all you have to do is have sex with him, and he'll forgive you.

251. If I have sex with him, he'll probably end up madder.

252. You know what? Let's not play into his blame game.

253. Agreed.

254. Turk, she was pourin' drinks into me,

255. and she knows I put out when I'm drunk.

256. He took meto a bar.

257. Aaahhh!

258. I didn't ask him to walk me home!

259. I'm tellin' you, dude, she was all over me like ants on candy.

260. You think you're talkin' to Turk, don't you?

261. He hates you.

262. Look, Lindsay, I'm... real sorry if I upset you before. I truly am.

263. I probably should've asked you why you stopped

264. taking your medication and to be honest with you, I was...

265. I was hoping you'd be able to give me the answer

266. to that one right about now.

267. Soooo... Lindso...

268. (chuckles) It must be kinda cool

269. having the same name as that Lindsay Lohan.

270. Gosh, she's supercool.

271. Just between you, me and the I.V.,

272. I guess I've probably seen

273. Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen,

274. oh, I don't know, 3, 4... 5, 6... 7, 8, 9 times.

275. (chuckles) What a film.

276. Whoo!

277. That girl... That girl is a robot.

278. I spent 3 hours in there and got goose egg.

279. It's so odd that she didn't respond to you

280. because you know so much about teenage girls.

281. All right, look. Barbie... I'm about to say 4 words

282. that I've never said to you before, that I'll never say to you again.

283. (whistles) Go on, get outta here.

284. I need your help.

285. Fine. But I have 3 rules.

286. One— when we're in the room, you say nothing.

287. Two— I get to say whatever I want about you.

288. And three— if you break rule 1 or 2, I get to boing your curls.

289. What the hell does "boing" mean?

290. Oh, God, this is gonna kill me.

291. (Janitor) All right, just put on your mean face,

292. and order shall be restored.

293. Yeah, hi. Nut.

294. What? Don't even know you.

295. Yeah, yeah. Happy birthday.

296. - You gave me a cursed uniform. - Ha ha! It's not cursed.

297. It's simply psychology.

298. I chose Robin's-egg blue because it has a calming effect on people

299. and I knew it would be the Thorn in your paw.

300. Other colors evoke different reactions.

301. For example, bright orange has been found to provoke hostility.

302. Dr. Kelso, I want to thank you again for the tie.

303. Fist five! (snaps fingers)

304. Owww!

305. That's the third time today!

306. Ohhh... please don't make me go to this banquet tonight.

307. Jordan, this award came from my interns.

308. So I think the least you can do is show up and support me.

309. (J.D.) And just like that, it was time for the moment of truth.

310. - Hey, Turk. - Hey, Turk.

311. What's up, J.D.?

312. The silent treatment.

313. (J.D.) Be gracious.

314. I got 3 words for ya—

315. "Sucks to be..." Adding a fourth— "you."

316. (J.D.) After sharing a quick victory dance

317. with Roland, the heavy-set orderly,

318. who, coincidentally, was my victory dancer coach...

319. - Pop the hips. - Ok.

320. - Pop the hips, J.D. - There it is.

321. Thanks, Roland. One day I'll get it.

322. I doubt it.

323. (J.D.) I got to thinking about relationships...

324. about how people fall in love...

325. have kids...

326. grow old together...

327. and say good-bye.

328. And then, for some reason, I thought about the circus.

329. But then I was back on relationships.

330. Back to your room, Mr. Johnson. You got one ventricle.

331. (J.D.) And I couldn't help thinking

332. that maybe it wasn't luck that made relationships last.

333. Maybe it was just a matter of who takes fewer hits.

334. You don't have to talk to me.

335. Just wave if you're gonna give me a ride home.

336. (J.D.) And I realized I should've been the one

337. to take that hit, not Carla.

338. Hey, Lindsay.

339. Oh. Don't worry. He's not allowed to talk.

340. Is that true?

341. - You may nod. - Uh-huh.

342. Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm.

343. You know, Lindsay, when I was 15, I cut my own bangs.

344. Oh, that's right, Percival, it's a high school hair story.

345. - Ohh... - Hmm.

346. Anyway, Judy Keenan told me that she would also cut her hair off.

347. It was like a suicide pact, only with bangs.

348. I cut off my hair, and of course, she backed out.

349. But even though my bangs looked horrible,

350. I kept them that way mostly because those stupid bangs

351. were the only thing in my life that I felt I had control over.

352. You know?

353. I'm so tired of everyone telling me what to do—

354. when to be home, what to wear, when to take my medicine.

355. I mean, I'm the one who's sick. Right?

356. I can handle my own life.

357. How about I tell your parents that from now on

358. the prescriptions for your medicine will be given directly to you.

359. You'll be in charge of getting your Dilantin, taking it... everything.

360. - Thank you. - Great.

361. I don't have a ring but you can kiss my ass.

362. Feared in gray...

363. beautiful in blue.

364. Feared in gray...

365. beautiful in blue.

366. I'm gonna grab a fry... some ketchup.

367. Ahh. It's cold.

368. That's it.

369. I'm back.

370. That was weird.

371. Mmmhh!

372. No. That was weird.

373. - What are you doin'? - That's all it was.

374. And if you still need someone to blame,

375. why don't you try blaming yourself?

376. You're absolutely right. It's my fault you kissed my wife.

377. Hee-yah! Wahh-hah!

378. Oh, man! I'm goin' home.

379. Dude, who do you think you're talkin' to?

380. You think you're the world's greatest husband?

381. Please. I was there when you were flirting with your ex-girlfriend

382. and neglected to tell her you were married.

383. I was there when you tried to hook up with that waitress

384. the day before you got engaged.

385. And I was definitely there when you hooked up

386. with that nasty-ass stripper at Boobies, boobies, boobies.

387. That wasn't me. That was you.

388. I know, but I told her my name was Turk.

389. Look, the point is, think of the millions of times

390. you've chosen not to hang out with your wife

391. 'cause you were tryin' to hang out with me.

392. You know, maybe it's time you started acting like a real husband

393. instead of actin' like some sort of crazy...

394. cowboy.

395. - A cowboy? - I don't know. It just came to me.

396. You know I'm right, Turk.

397. (J.D.) When your pride's at stake, you can't help but have questions.

398. Just tell me. How did you know what was bothering her?

399. Tell me now so that we don't have to talk anymore.

400. - Ever. - (sighs)

401. How is it that no man understands

402. that every woman, whether she's 16 or 60,

403. still has that awkward, insecure,

404. self-conscious teenage girl inside of her?

405. (J.D.) A lot of the time, the answer is about sacrifice.

406. Hey.

407. Look, I was thinkin' maybe...

408. maybe you'd rather just stay in tonight...

409. you know, have some pizza, watch...

410. watch some movies. What do you say?

411. Are you tryin' to smile?

412. You're so damn cute.

413. (J.D.) Sometimes sacrifice is only wearing your new uni

414. when you're not at work.

415. Ok, how about this one? 3 blue jays fly into a bar.

416. They say, "we just want to wet our beaks."

417. Ha ha ha!

418. No? Sorry, Dan. You tell one.

419. (J.D.) Other times, it's about swallowing that damn pride.

420. J.D., would you hand me the wine, please?

421. Turk's not talkin' to me.

422. (J.D.) But ultimately, big or small,

423. sacrifice is about doin' something you really don't want to do.

424. Hey, guys, I know we talked about this before,

425. but... I'm movin' out.

426. Really?

427. Yeah. You guys need your space.

428. Wow. Thanks, man.

429. You're gonna miss me, though.

430. Hey, you could turn his room into a gym.

431. We ain't puttin' no gym in my media room.

432. - Whose media room? - Our media room.

433. - Yeah. - Yeah.