1. (J.D.) In my 4 years, there have been
many emergencies at Sacred Heart,Copy !req
2. but none like this one
because today...Copy !req
3. Where is he?Copy !req
4. (J.D.)
Dr. Cox needed two stiches.Copy !req
5. - Dr. Cox, I got here as soon as I—
- Shut it, newbie.Copy !req
6. Your blacker half
is trying to concentrate.Copy !req
7. - How are you holding up?
- I'm a little nervous.Copy !req
8. Well, now you make me all nervous.Copy !req
9. Focus. Because that tiny patch
of skin on my son's foreheadCopy !req
10. is more important to me
than then entiretyCopy !req
11. of your whole high-fiving,
head-shaving, air-balling,Copy !req
12. mole-lipping,
Insulin-needing existence,Copy !req
13. which I guarantee will come
to an abrupt, very unnatural end.Copy !req
14. Ok, I'm done.Copy !req
15. (J.D.)
We all held our breath together.Copy !req
16. - The surgeon lives!
- Aah!Copy !req
17. The Todd forgot to breathe again.Copy !req
18. Starting C.P.R.Copy !req
19. Mr. Gerst,
what seems to be the problem?Copy !req
20. - I took some pills.
- Come on, help me out here.Copy !req
21. Were they happy pills, sad pills,
sleeping pills,Copy !req
22. wake-up pills, sane pills,
pain pills, brain pills, Spain pills.Copy !req
23. Man pills. The commercial says
I should consult a physicianCopy !req
24. if the condition persists
for more than 4 hours.Copy !req
25. If what persists?Copy !req
26. Oh, um...
Let's just say you took uppers.Copy !req
27. (Turk)
Hey, dude, check out what I foundCopy !req
28. when I was taking out the trash!Copy !req
29. That is the most ridiculous hat
I have ever seen.Copy !req
30. (J.D.)
And I must have it.Copy !req
31. Aren't you gonna be
late to meet Carla?Copy !req
32. I've got time.Copy !req
33. (J.D.) Turk and Carla
were having relationship trouble,Copy !req
34. so she'd been staying
at Elliot's for a few days.Copy !req
35. You were late the last time.Copy !req
36. Yeah, but I set the clock
ahead an hour last nightCopy !req
37. so I wouldn't be late.Copy !req
38. Yeah, but last week
I set it back 3 hoursCopy !req
39. so we could see what it felt like
to live in Honolulu.Copy !req
40. Yeah, but then I set
the clock ahead 5 hoursCopy !req
41. so I wouldn't feel like a skeeveCopy !req
42. for watching porn
in the middle of the day.Copy !req
43. But then I set it back
43 minutes to 8:08,Copy !req
44. turned the clock upside down to
see if it looked like the word "Bob,"Copy !req
45. which, incidentally,
it totally does...Copy !req
46. - That's true.
- Which means that it's actually...Copy !req
47. - 9:52!
- 9:52!Copy !req
48. Oh, my God, dude! I gotta
be downtown in like 8 minutes!Copy !req
49. Dude, we're never gonna
make it in time!Copy !req
50. Take a shortcut
through that hedge!Copy !req
51. You got it, player!Copy !req
52. Waaah!Copy !req
53. That was a thick bush.Copy !req
54. Oh, really, Turk,
was it a thick bush?Copy !req
55. Because there's berries in my ass.
Just go!Copy !req
56. Oh, sorry.
My bad, dude. My bad. Oh!Copy !req
57. Oh, ho, ho, ho.Copy !req
58. - Aah!
- Don't worry, Turk, I got 'em!Copy !req
59. (J.D.)
Straight.Copy !req
60. Turk, why are you
wearing pajamas?Copy !req
61. Uh, I really want you to come home,
and on the off chance you said yes,Copy !req
62. I'd be ready to snuggle,
and that would hopefully lead toCopy !req
63. but necessarily require
relations of the intimate nature.Copy !req
64. Turk, with everything
that's happened,Copy !req
65. I'm just having trouble trusting you.Copy !req
66. Baby, if there's anyone in this world
that you can trust, it's me.Copy !req
67. Turk, you're the one
I don't know if I can trust,Copy !req
68. so I how am I supposed to trust
that I can trust you telling meCopy !req
69. that I can trust you?Copy !req
70. My head hurts.Copy !req
71. I wish I knew
how it was going.Copy !req
72. Sorry about your hogs, fellas.
Enjoy the free espressos.Copy !req
73. - Warlord, I told you to sip it.
- Uh, it...Copy !req
74. - Use your words.
- Warlord burn mouth.Copy !req
75. Yeah, he did because
he wasn't listening.Copy !req
76. Napkin on your lap,
Satan's valet. Thank you.Copy !req
77. Hey, what are you doing,
Frankenstein?Copy !req
78. Photo journal
for my photography class.Copy !req
79. Terrific.
Could I see your camera?Copy !req
80. Hmm. Very interesting.
Oh, there's film in it.Copy !req
81. Hey!
All my pictures were in there!Copy !req
82. "Dead patient with fancy shirt,
dead patient without fancy shirt,"Copy !req
83. "me in fancy shirt being yelled
at by angry family."Copy !req
84. Do you have any idea of
what events would unfoldCopy !req
85. if Jordan were to actually
see that picture?Copy !req
86. It is a heart-wrenching tale of woe
involving Jordan's second cousinCopy !req
87. who plays for the
new England patriotsCopy !req
88. and me having a super bowl ring
removed from my esophagus.Copy !req
89. No, Jordan's never going
to see these stitches.Copy !req
90. Well, I hope you realize
this means war.Copy !req
91. Ah, buzz off, you big monkey.Copy !req
92. Poor Mr. Gerst.Copy !req
93. I wonder what that's like
to have an erection for 9 hours.Copy !req
94. Ask me in 20 minutes.Copy !req
95. Oh, get this. He doesn't even
have erectile dysfunction.Copy !req
96. I mean, why would you take those
drugs if you didn't need them?Copy !req
97. What's this? Why, it's a dummygram,
and it's addressed to you, Barbie.Copy !req
98. Let's read it
and find out what's in there.Copy !req
99. You are disturbingly naive. Stop!Copy !req
100. Almost 50% of E.D. Drugs are taken
by recreational users. Stop!Copy !req
101. That can't be true.Copy !req
102. (whistling)
Everyone, would you go aheadCopy !req
103. and close your eyes for a second?Copy !req
104. Great. Now,
would all the men in the roomCopy !req
105. who have tried Mr. Happy pills,Copy !req
106. go ahead and grab your fork
and bang your glass.Copy !req
107. Ted, everyone stopped!Copy !req
108. Oh, damn it!Copy !req
109. Dude, she's got this whole
trust issue with me.Copy !req
110. Just tell her she can trust you.Copy !req
111. I did, but apparently, if I'm the one
she didn't know she could trust,Copy !req
112. how is she supposed
to trust she can trust meCopy !req
113. telling her she can trust me?Copy !req
114. - My head hurts.
- Yeah, mine did, too.Copy !req
115. - That's why I need you to go in.
- No way, dude. It's never smartCopy !req
116. to get in the middle of
someone else's relationship.Copy !req
117. I'll let you wear my top hat.Copy !req
118. - Hey! Want to grab a beer?
- If you lose the hat.Copy !req
119. - Hi.
- Hello there.Copy !req
120. What's with all the Band-Aids?Copy !req
121. Oh, Jack was just getting nutty,
having some fun.Copy !req
122. See, I even let him put one on me.Copy !req
123. - Really?
- Yeah.Copy !req
124. Are those stitches?Copy !req
125. What are the odds
you'd pick that one?Copy !req
126. Jack just... He just fell
off of the jungle gym.Copy !req
127. You're not careful
enough with him!Copy !req
128. What about the time
you had himCopy !req
129. and he brained himself
on the coffee table?Copy !req
130. - That was an accident.
- Just a quick question.Copy !req
131. Why is it an accident
when he's with you,Copy !req
132. but when Jack gets hurt
on my time,Copy !req
133. it's because
I'm not careful enough?Copy !req
134. Because I...Copy !req
135. Oh, dear God.
You're speechless.Copy !req
136. (laughing) I won!
I won an argument.Copy !req
137. Jack, it's unprecedented. We'll be
at the playground drinking beer.Copy !req
138. - Oh, God, we love beer!
- But—Copy !req
139. That guy needs to do some serious
thinking about baseball.Copy !req
140. - He wouldn't even let me see it.
- Hey, meathead.Copy !req
141. Oh, good, you both looked.
Now, Mr. Gerst came here for help,Copy !req
142. and we're doctors,
so how about we tryCopy !req
143. and treat him with at least a little
bit of dignity and respect, ok?Copy !req
144. (laughing)
That man is a human sundial.Copy !req
145. (Carla)
Oh, it's so nice to get out.Copy !req
146. Oh, hey, do you know
who sings the song?Copy !req
147. No, but I can tell you
who doesn't sing it—Copy !req
148. Billy Joel,
who brought us such hitsCopy !req
149. as Uptown Girl and Matter of Trust.Copy !req
150. And speaking of trust, do you know
who's really trustworthy? Turk.Copy !req
151. I call him Turkey-Turkey-Turkey-
Turkey-trust-trust.Copy !req
152. A little nickname.Copy !req
153. J.D., I know what you're trying
to do and it's very sweet,Copy !req
154. but the last couple of days have been
so messed up and confusing.Copy !req
155. I'd love to just try and forget
about it and have a few drinks, ok?Copy !req
156. But I told Turk I'd talk about him
constantly until you made me leave.Copy !req
157. - I'll let you put the hat back on.
- Two appletinis, governor.Copy !req
158. Look at my girl. Right back up
on the monkey barsCopy !req
159. even after she chipped
her tooth there last week.Copy !req
160. That's nothing. My kid's
got a forehead full of stitchesCopy !req
161. from leaping off the jungle gym.Copy !req
162. - When my wife's not around.
- Yeah?Copy !req
163. I let my daughter stand
on my shoulders.Copy !req
164. Really?
Wait till you get a load of this.Copy !req
165. Ok, here we go.
What are we doing?Copy !req
166. Come here, you.
You come here, you.Copy !req
167. Giant man,
why are you making that noise?Copy !req
168. Oh. Well, because
my camera doesn't makeCopy !req
169. a real sound,
and it's more fun that way.Copy !req
170. See? You go...Copy !req
171. Look happy.
(clicks) Look sad.Copy !req
172. (clicks) Look crazy.Copy !req
173. Look like you're going away.Copy !req
174. You're coming in because you need
to set an example of professionalism,Copy !req
175. and you're not going to do thatCopy !req
176. by making fun of
that man's slinky-doo.Copy !req
177. Don't pull me! I'm your boss,
for God's. Hello!Copy !req
178. Well, Mr. Gerst, your situation
doesn't seem to be reversing itself,Copy !req
179. so I think we're gonna need
to schedule a procedureCopy !req
180. to relieve the,
uh, um, ahem, uh...Copy !req
181. Woodiness.Copy !req
182. My fiancée is only 24,Copy !req
183. and she said she wanted to do
something special this morning.Copy !req
184. Turns out she just meant
having breakfast with her family.Copy !req
185. Those pills didn't really kick in
until just about the momentCopy !req
186. I'm introduced to her
90-year-old grandmother.Copy !req
187. And sure enough
that little ladyCopy !req
188. gives me the waist hug
from her wheelchair.Copy !req
189. Excuse me,
I need that chart.Copy !req
190. Sweetheart,
it's not healthy to hold it in.Copy !req
191. Just let it out.
You know you want to—Copy !req
192. I'm fine.Copy !req
193. (Mr. Gerst)
I pulled away from that encounterCopy !req
194. with all of grandma Helen's
breathing apparatus.Copy !req
195. My work here is done.Copy !req
196. Oh, my God, I can't stop!
I'm sorry. I have to pee.Copy !req
197. Ok, J.D.,
why are we sitting up here?Copy !req
198. Because you can see Elliot's
whole apartment from up here.Copy !req
199. J.D., you're drunk.Copy !req
200. Carla, I'm not as think
as you drunk I am.Copy !req
201. Wait a minute—Copy !req
202. Then why can't you let go
of the couch?Copy !req
203. I can't let go of the couch
if I so choose.Copy !req
204. Ok, let go of the couch.
Let it go.Copy !req
205. - Whoa!
- Whoops!Copy !req
206. - You see?
- Whoa!Copy !req
207. (J.D.) There are many things
we can't controlCopy !req
208. no matter how strong
we might be...Copy !req
209. Like a knee-jerk reaction...Copy !req
210. I'm, I'm so sorry.
Ahem. I'm done.Copy !req
211. I'm done. Yes.Copy !req
212. It's ok.Copy !req
213. (J.D.) Or a Janitor
who has it in for you.Copy !req
214. Hi. Look what someone
was nice enough to give me.Copy !req
215. Janitor.Copy !req
216. Oh, thank you for helping me
have some fun tonight.Copy !req
217. You're welcome.Copy !req
218. (J.D.) And sometimes you let go
of the control you do haveCopy !req
219. in a brief moment of weakness.Copy !req
220. Sorry.
Drunken accident.Copy !req
221. - Nothing happened.
- Right.Copy !req
222. - Good night.
- Good night.Copy !req
223. Buenas noches.Copy !req
224. - Buenas... Nose things.
- Good night.Copy !req
225. (J.D.) Like she said,
everything's fine.Copy !req
226. (J.D.) There's nothing like
the rays of the morning sunCopy !req
227. kissing you awake and gently
reminding you that you got drunkCopy !req
228. and kissed your best friend's wife.Copy !req
229. - Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!Copy !req
230. So it really happened?Copy !req
231. - Yeah, but it was nothing!
- Nothing!Copy !req
232. No, there wasn't
even any tongue!Copy !req
233. - No tongue!
- It was just a friend kiss.Copy !req
234. - Were your lips parted at all?
- No, I pursed them like this.Copy !req
235. I don't know, J.D., I remember my one
lip being on top of your upper lipCopy !req
236. and my other lip being somewhere
in the middle of yours,Copy !req
237. which means your lips were apartCopy !req
238. and I don't think
that's a friend kiss!Copy !req
239. Yes, it is,
it's a friend kiss,Copy !req
240. and we will never talk
about this to anyone ever!Copy !req
241. - All right.
- What's going on?Copy !req
242. - Nothing.
- J.D. and I kissed.Copy !req
243. - Carla!
- You kissed? Like a friend kiss?Copy !req
244. - Yes.
- No!Copy !req
245. Carla!
You're killing me!Copy !req
246. This never leaves the room!Copy !req
247. Why did you close my window?Copy !req
248. Oh, no! She wrote "J.D.
and Carla kissed" on the paperCopy !req
249. and she's gonna tell Turk!Copy !req
250. No, no, stop her!Copy !req
251. Don't worry, ladies,
I've closed the window.Copy !req
252. J.D., I don't have
a messenger monkey.Copy !req
253. All right, fine, I'm a little rougher
than you are, but guess what?Copy !req
254. The two of us have two distinctly
different parenting styles.Copy !req
255. You're an overbearing,
hyper-cautious psychotic,Copy !req
256. and I'm, well, you know, fun.Copy !req
257. And I think if we can meet
somewhere in the middle,Copy !req
258. I think Jack's gonna be terrific.Copy !req
259. Besides, it's not like I ever put him
in any real danger.Copy !req
260. (Jack) Flip!Copy !req
261. Flip?
What does "flip" mean, Perry?Copy !req
262. Jack probably thinks that
mommy and daddy are beingCopy !req
263. a little "too sarcastic"
with each other.Copy !req
264. Maybe. Or it's because
every time he says "flip,"Copy !req
265. daddy does a little trick where
he grabs Jack by the ankles,Copy !req
266. he flips him upside down,Copy !req
267. he drops him down
onto his shoulders,Copy !req
268. - and then...
- (gasps)Copy !req
269. Puts him in a little baby trapeze,Copy !req
270. shoots him across
the sand box without a net.Copy !req
271. You are never taking Jack
to the park without me. Ever!Copy !req
272. Jordan...Copy !req
273. A trapeze?Copy !req
274. Yeah. Photoshop.
You can do anything.Copy !req
275. Here I have you wearing
a duck's bill. Get it?Copy !req
276. - Because you're a quack.
- Ah.Copy !req
277. No! (laughing)Copy !req
278. Come on. Classic comedy, my friend.
He'll learn.Copy !req
279. I'm such a horrible person.
I mean, there I was,Copy !req
280. up on my high horse about Mr. Gerst,
and then I just turned out to beCopy !req
281. just as bad as everyone else.Copy !req
282. Sweetheart,
give yourself some credit.Copy !req
283. You were much
worse than everyone else.Copy !req
284. Maybe I was,
but you know what?Copy !req
285. I'm gonna try and better myself
and, unlike you,Copy !req
286. I'm gonna follow through,Copy !req
287. Mr. Sign-up-on-the-
hospital-bulletin-board-Copy !req
288. for-private-German-lessons-
and-then-never-show-up.Copy !req
289. Yeah, that's right.
It was my flier...Copy !req
290. (speaking German) I waited
at that coffee shop for hours.Copy !req
291. I broke up with my German mistress.Copy !req
292. - She smells like Sauerkraut.
- I'm so sorry.Copy !req
293. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna
go into that room right nowCopy !req
294. and own up to what I did.
Ha!Copy !req
295. Hello?
Did someone come in?Copy !req
296. (J.D.)
I had to hide from Turk,Copy !req
297. so I went to the one place
in the hospitalCopy !req
298. where I knew no one
would ever venture.Copy !req
299. - Ted? Ted?
- A little help!Copy !req
300. Ted, what are you doing?Copy !req
301. I like to do stomach crunches
after lunch.Copy !req
302. Ted, lunch was 4 hours ago.Copy !req
303. Yep, I wasted most
of my Tuesday.Copy !req
304. - It's Wednesday.
- Oh, man, I missed the Gilmore girls!Copy !req
305. - There you are. Hey, Ted.
- (Ted) Hey.Copy !req
306. - So how did it go last night?
- Whoa! What's with the fifth degree?Copy !req
307. Dude, don't you mean third degree?Copy !req
308. No, because
this is two degrees worse.Copy !req
309. I can't breathe.
It's like you're all over me.Copy !req
310. I'm trapped in a death coffin.Copy !req
311. Calm down. I just wanted to see
if you got anywhere with Carla.Copy !req
312. (J.D.) All right,
he knows your lying face,Copy !req
313. but silence is incriminating, too.
So think!Copy !req
314. What's between
silence and talking?Copy !req
315. Turk? I thought you could
take me over to Elliot's placeCopy !req
316. to get my stuff
so I could move back in.Copy !req
317. Yeah, sure, really?Copy !req
318. - All right, meet me downstairs, ok?
- Ok.Copy !req
319. (whispering)
I owe you one.Copy !req
320. Ted, you should probably sit down.
You're looking a little purple.Copy !req
321. I know my own body.Copy !req
322. - (Carla laughs)
- Thanks for saving my ass.Copy !req
323. Well, I wasn't saving your ass.Copy !req
324. I didn't realize how easy it is
to make little mistakes.Copy !req
325. They're stupid little mistakes
that seem like nothing,Copy !req
326. but can snowball on youCopy !req
327. and take your whole marriage with it,
you know?Copy !req
328. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
329. I feel like I really
understand nowCopy !req
330. how Turk could have let stuff
like that happen, you know?Copy !req
331. So I forgave him.Copy !req
332. Oh, well, I guess
I'm glad we kissed then.Copy !req
333. Me, too.Copy !req
334. You guys ready?Copy !req
335. Yeah, we are. Let's do it.Copy !req
336. Ok, we just saw
the plastic surgeon.Copy !req
337. Jack is fine,Copy !req
338. but if the cut was 4 inches
to the left and 7 inches deeper,Copy !req
339. it could have potentially
scratched his eye.Copy !req
340. - That was a close one.
- What a sweet little angel.Copy !req
341. Can I just give him a little squeeze?Copy !req
342. Of course.Copy !req
343. (Dr. Cox)
Back off their, lady.Copy !req
344. How's about you save up
all that energy for the cruise?Copy !req
345. Go on, get out of here.
(whistles)Copy !req
346. Hippity-hop to the barber shop.
Come on, mom.Copy !req
347. Jordan, this hospital
is literally crawlingCopy !req
348. with germs and disease,
and in all fairness,Copy !req
349. you don't know
if that lady is a sickieCopy !req
350. or if she was here visiting a sickieCopy !req
351. and she ran her sickie hands
all over his sickie face.Copy !req
352. I normally never
let people touch him.Copy !req
353. Oh, really? Because these
photographs would beg to differ.Copy !req
354. Old lady kissing Jack,Copy !req
355. teenage girl hugging Jack,Copy !req
356. homeless man holding Jack.Copy !req
357. - Jordan!
- It's just Carl.Copy !req
358. He holds Jack
when I get a bikini wax.Copy !req
359. What's the matter with me?
I mean, I don't think twiceCopy !req
360. about people holding him
and yet I obsess about thingsCopy !req
361. like broken arms,
broken legs, choking,Copy !req
362. kidnapping, drowning, silly putty,Copy !req
363. bad babysitters,
pretty babysitters.Copy !req
364. Yeah, I pretty much freak out
over staff infections,Copy !req
365. blood disease, mumps, measles,
sex, drugs, rock and roll,Copy !req
366. and definitely all
registered independents,Copy !req
367. so I think between us
we've got it covered.Copy !req
368. - Was this taken at my mother's house?
- I gotta go.Copy !req
369. Dude, that did not happen.Copy !req
370. No, I'm in the hospital because I...
They think I have avian flu.Copy !req
371. I gotta call you back.Copy !req
372. - How long have you been there?
- Oh, 47, 48 minutes.Copy !req
373. I'm not sure.
I nodded off for a while.Copy !req
374. Mr. Gerst, I'm so sorry
for laughing at you,Copy !req
375. but I have to tell you a story.Copy !req
376. When I was in the seventh grade,
I was at a roller rinkCopy !req
377. and I needed to go to the bathroom.Copy !req
378. So I just skated right on
into a stallCopy !req
379. and I did my, uh, private business,Copy !req
380. and then when I went
to pull up my pants,Copy !req
381. I started rolling towards the door,
which as it turned out, wasn't latched.Copy !req
382. Now, I don't know if you've had
any experienceCopy !req
383. roller skating with your underpants
around your ankles.Copy !req
384. It's very difficult to stop.Copy !req
385. Unless, of course,
you know, you scream so loudCopy !req
386. that they turn off the music
and everyone is looking at you.Copy !req
387. Anyway, that's how I wound up
with the nickname "roller moler."Copy !req
388. - I'm sorry?
- I have a mole on my ass.Copy !req
389. - Oh.
- The cute kind, not the hairy kind.Copy !req
390. Anyway, the next day I showed up
at school with roller skates on,Copy !req
391. and everybody cracked up.Copy !req
392. - Why are you telling me this?
- Because I owned up to it.Copy !req
393. This is funny, Mr. Gerst,Copy !req
394. and if you don't just embrace it
and become part of the joke,Copy !req
395. then it will follow you around
and devour you.Copy !req
396. - Can I get a look at that mole?
- No. Ahem. No.Copy !req
397. This is nice, the three of us
sitting together againCopy !req
398. like a three musketeers.Copy !req
399. Yeah. And I need
you guys to scrape your platesCopy !req
400. before you put them
in the dishwasher.Copy !req
401. She's back.
My baby's back!Copy !req
402. (J.D.) Carla was right.Copy !req
403. If a relationship's gonna work,
it has to be based on trust,Copy !req
404. like a wife trusting
her husband again.Copy !req
405. Hey. Hey. Your kid's back
on the jungle gym.Copy !req
406. - Oh, sure.
- Guess your wife backed down.Copy !req
407. You bet your sweet ass she did.Copy !req
408. (J.D.)
Even if it involves a compromise.Copy !req
409. Hey, Jack! Just blink
when you want me to get you down.Copy !req
410. Just give me the old blink-a-roonie.
Terrific athlete.Copy !req
411. I'm thinking 2016 Olympics.Copy !req
412. Oh, God, was that a blink?
Excuse me.Copy !req
413. (J.D.) Or a patient
trusting his doctorCopy !req
414. to help him hold on
to his dignity.Copy !req
415. Yes, and then I pulled off
grandma's breathing apparatus.Copy !req
416. No, I'm serious.
(laughs)Copy !req
417. (J.D.) It may take a lot of work,
but it's worth it.Copy !req
418. Wow, that was a moist kiss.
Wish I was wearing an apron.Copy !req
419. Baby, from here on out,
I hide nothing from you.Copy !req
420. It's a clean start for us.Copy !req
421. Sports time!Copy !req
422. (J.D.) Because in the end,
things work out for the best.Copy !req
423. J.D. and I kissed.Copy !req
424. (J.D.) Or not.Copy !req