Scrubs 4x20

1. (J.D.) You never know who you're gonna find in the cafeteria at 5 A.M.

2. It could be the husband who asked his wife,

3. after 36 hours of labor, if the screaming was really necessary

4. or the intern who's been on-call so many nights in a row,

5. she's actually hallucinating.

6. Hi. I'd like 2 tickets to Million Dollar Baby.

7. (J.D.) Or your best friends who have found time between shifts

8. to discuss their marital troubles.

9. Why can't Carla just let this go?

10. Wouldn't you be mad if you caught your husband

11. talking to his ex-girlfriend?

12. Yeah, but mostly because I had a husband.

13. I'm gonna stay at Elliot's for a few more days.

14. Yeah, I figured as much.

15. I brought you some things.

16. Your slippers and, uh...

17. Remember that note you put on the toilet to remind me

18. to put the seat down?

19. Looking at it was making me sad.

20. I wrote this the first time I forgot to look down

21. and fractured my tailbone.

22. - You were in a lot of pain. - Yeah. Ha, ha!

23. - (sighs) - Keep it together, baby.

24. We'll have brunch on Sunday and then we'll see where we're at.

25. But I want to be where you're at

26. while we're trying to figure out where we're at.

27. - Think they'll work it out? - Shh!

28. - The movie's about to start. - Go home, Kathy.

29. Where did she get popcorn?

30. (J.D.) Maybe it's because we're best friends,

31. but I had a sneaky feeling that Turk was depressed.

32. I should call her.

33. Turk, you're not gonna believe this,

34. but I don't know a lot about women.

35. No, it's true. The one thing I do know

36. is when a woman wants her space, you give her space.

37. My sixth grade girlfriend taught me that.

38. No, Olivia. I won't leave you alone until you explain

39. why you ignored me on the bus.

40. Uhh!

41. I hope she's dead.

42. The point is, in the meantime, it's important

43. you don't spiral into a depression, ok?

44. So I'm taking you to a carnival downtown tonight. What do you say?

45. I can't go to a carnival. It reminds me of Carla.

46. - Why? - Dude, "carnival."

47. Remove the "niv" and switch the "l" and the "a,"

48. and you got "Carla."

49. Oh, my God, he's right.

50. Thank you so much for letting me stay here, Elliot.

51. Please. And I still have only one rule.

52. I cannot talk or be talked to while I'm on the toilet,

53. and I also cannot talk or be talked to

54. by someone who's on the toilet.

55. You told me yesterday, Elliot. I get it.

56. Mmm, you say you get it,

57. and yet you still managed to knock this morning

58. and ask if I wanted coffee.

59. - Oh, I just thought— - Ba, ba, ba, ba, bah!

60. Mmm. We're gonna pretend that never happened

61. or I won't poo again for 2 months.

62. Oh, God, this sucks! I hate March.

63. Do you realize 2 years ago this Sunday my mom died?

64. Plus, last march, you got that hideous haircut. Remember?

65. Look, Carla, if it makes you feel any better,

66. I'm sure Turk's just as miserable.

67. Whoo! Whoo!

68. Wait! Ok, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!

69. - My tummy's starting to rumble. - Faster!

70. - Jump! Go for it! - Kids, don't fly out!

71. (J.D.) You see a lot of sad things in a hospital.

72. But nothing's quite as sad as a dermatologist

73. that's just been paged, milking it for all it's worth.

74. All right, everybody, watch your backs!

75. Skin doctor coming through!

76. I got to get somewhere stat!

77. You called for a consult?

78. Mr. Warner, do you see what you've made me do?

79. By once again choosing to spend all of your free time

80. out on the surface of the sun until melanomas develop,

81. you have forced me to pull the attending dermatologist

82. away from his backne seminar and validate his most ridiculous

83. of career choices.

84. - Ehh! - Oh, God.

85. I just want to look good.

86. You, my friend, look so damn leathery,

87. I'm honestly tempted to wrap you around a baseball,

88. cinch you up with a belt,

89. and stick you under my mattress so that you're good and broken in

90. for the big game on Sunday.

91. But since I'm here to heal, not judge,

92. I'm gonna go ahead and write you a couple of prescriptions.

93. You'll find that this first one is for an extra large mallet

94. to help you pound some sense into yourself.

95. The second one is for a big, floppy hot

96. that you're now to wear every single time you leave the house.

97. Have a great day. You look like a purse.

98. Perry, a word.

99. Oh. Oh, yeah.

100. Your skin's all messed up.

101. Perry, I am sick and tired of listening to people complain

102. about being called fatties, dummies, boozers losers, winos, tubbos,

103. tokers, smokers, and jamokers,

104. whatever the hell jamokers means.

105. I was actually saying "jokers" and I had coffee cake in my mouth.

106. Bottom line, unlike my masseuse Frida,

107. you're not pretty enough to be this rough.

108. Work on your bedside manner.

109. Say, Bobbo, when exactly was the last time

110. you treated a patient?

111. Now you listen to me, Betty. No matter how long it takes,

112. we're gonna get through this.

113. Congratulations, Bob.

114. They just named you chief of medicine.

115. Bingo! Smell you later, Betty.

116. Fine. You want me to take a patient, I'll take a patient.

117. The Bobatron is actually gonna try to connect

118. with another human being? It is so on.

119. - (whistles) Guys, it's so on. - Awesome.

120. - What's on? - Who cares?

121. - He referred to me as a guy. - Dude, we stayed up too late.

122. It was our first annual interracial buddy movie night. We had to.

123. You know, I'm still pissed that you thought

124. Turner & Hooch was an interracial buddy movie.

125. I didn't know it was Tom Hanks and a Dog, ok?

126. Don't paint me as a racist just because I thought "black guy"

127. when I heard the name Hooch.

128. - Yeah, J.D., what's up? - Oh, sorry, Hooch.

129. We were just talking about the "movie".

130. Ha, ha! No biggie. Happens all the time.

131. Ok, so it was an honest mistake. Gotta go. Hey.

132. (slap) Too hard! What is going on with Turk?

133. He doesn't even seem bummed out.

134. - I uplifted his spirits. - How did you do that?

135. Because Carla is just bottoming out, man.

136. I mean, I'm not even supposed to be here at work today.

137. I just came to use the bathroom because she keeps violating the rule.

138. Quiet on the crapper?

139. Yeah. It's like she just stores everything up

140. until my cheeks hit the seat.

141. She thinks she's exempt from the rule.

142. Nobody is exempt from the rule, J.D.

143. Ok. Shh. It's ok.

144. I'll never talk to you on the crapper. Ok.

145. I can't afford to soundproof my bathroom.

146. Listen, the way I cheered up Turk, I made it all about him.

147. Find someway to lift Carla's spirits up.

148. - Surprise! - What's going on?

149. We are going to celebrate your mom's death.

150. I mean, your mom's life. We're gonna celebrate your dead mom's life.

151. I even got a cake.

152. Wow! Does it say "dead" anywhere on it?

153. Mmm. Not anymore.

154. Junior, I don't know what you doing in my area,

155. but you better be looking for some bandages

156. 'cause you're gonna need them when I get through with you.

157. Dr. Kelso. I didn't recognize you in scrubs.

158. Well, that's ok, Laverne.

159. I didn't recognize you without your mini TV and your feet up.

160. Real nice outfit there, Bobbo.

161. Perry, you just go right ahead and say what you want,

162. because Dr. Bob Kelso is back in action

163. and he hasn't missed a step.

164. Now, where do we keep the sick people?

165. Hello, Ms. Goldman. I'm your doctor.

166. Don't you mean my doctor's great-great-great- great-grandfather?

167. - You're old. - Yeah, I got that.

168. Hey, friend. I switched shifts so we could hang out tonight.

169. Hell, yeah. There's no beer in the fridge.

170. You know what, we're gonna have to make a stop and pick up some hooch!

171. Yeah, Turk?

172. Sorry, man. I was talking about the beer.

173. Oh. There's no problem, buddy.

174. All right! Ha, ha!

175. Just seems like you could've said "beer."

176. It's a much more common word.

177. My bad. Uh, won't happen again.

178. Won't happen again.

179. - You knew he was there, didn't you? - Couldn't help myself.

180. (J.D.) It's weird. I mean, I want his marriage to work out,

181. but it's nice to have Turk all to myself again.

182. (Janitor) It's weird. I mean, I want to follow him down the hall

183. and crack him over the head, but I'm so drunk right now,

184. I know I'll collapse if I even move an inch.

185. And I am not kidding you.

186. My mom turns to the guidance counselor,

187. and she says... (speaks Spanish)

188. Ha, ha, ha! (snorts)

189. You understood that?

190. No, but I know when I'm supposed to laugh in any language.

191. Ok. You know, I was skeptical, but it's been kind of nice

192. reminiscing about my mom.

193. It's about to get a whole lot nicer.

194. (answering machine) Hi, sweety, it's mom.

195. I just called to tell you how much I love you.

196. Oh, my God.

197. It's J.D.'s old answering machine.

198. - (beep) - (answering machine) Hi, Carla.

199. I sure wish you would call me once in a while.

200. Hadn't heard that one.

201. So what other stories do you have about your mom?

202. - (answering machine) Carla... - God, it has batteries.

203. (answering machine) It's me again.

204. It seems like you never have time for me anymore. Carla?

205. (answering machine) Carla? Carla? Pick up if you're there...

206. What we are dealing with are venostasis ulcers,

207. most likely because of your weight.

208. Wow. You figured out that I'm fat.

209. You're either a brilliant doctor

210. or every guy I've ever gone to high school with.

211. Ok, moving on. From the numbers I'm seeing

212. on your fasting glucose and triglycerides, I'm suspecting—

213. Metabolic syndrome?

214. Yes. Now this condition is not that rare.

215. - 1 in 5 people have it. - Stop doing that!

216. Why am I paying you to tell me things

217. I've already figured out on my own?

218. Maybe because I graduated first in my class at Stanford in 1972.

219. You graduated 12th in your class in 1968.

220. She googled your ass.

221. Laverne, I am not interested in your street lingo.

222. What I am interested in is where she found that magic phone

223. that keeps making me look like an idiot.

224. (J.D.) Last summer Turk and I were forced to choose

225. between helping to stem a Hepatitis C outbreak

226. in the inner city or going to bartending school.

227. I've always felt we did the right thing.

228. Especially since I knew Turk needed

229. to blow off some steam before his big meeting with Carla tomorrow.

230. All right, everybody! We're your guest bartenders!

231. - We'll be here all night! - Oh, you know what?

232. Actually, I'm gonna go home and put some thought

233. into what I'm gonna say to Carla tomorrow morning.

234. (J.D.) I knew I was being selfish, but I couldn't help it.

235. It was our last hurrah.

236. Turk, you know Carla likes it when you speak from your heart.

237. Improv that, dog!

238. Stay here and drink... For Carla.

239. Well, since we're doing it for Carla...

240. - For Carla! - Let's do this!

241. (J.D.) My barber once told me

242. it's important to finish what you've started.

243. Of course, sometimes what you've started

244. was clearly the worst idea in the world.

245. Wasn't this kind of fun?

246. It stopped.

247. (J.D.) Other time, there is a lot harder than we thought.

248. Damn it, young lady, let me in! This is my hospital!

249. Hey, Bob, what's shaking in PatientVille?

250. Oh, just trying to keep myself from spending all day in there with her.

251. - Such a doll. - Oh, you Bob.

252. (J.D.) Still, even if you end up with a hangover that would slay a walrus,

253. it's all worth it, especially when you know that at this very moment,

254. your best friend is at brunch, saving his marriage.

255. What time is it?

256. (J.D.) Or he missed it.

257. (J.D.) This was my fault, so I was determined to fix it.

258. Still, I needed Elliot's help, so I decided to break the ice first.

259. Hey, Elliot, do me a favor.

260. What do you mean, say "hooch"?

261. Oh, my God, what? I'm a little busy.

262. Uh, I'm sorry. I'm not really sure what's happening right now.

263. Well, of course you're not.

264. Because in your head, it's all about you, isn't it?

265. Well, no more. Say "hooch" again,

266. it will be the last thing you ever say.

267. Ha, ha! He was mad, wasn't he?

268. Oh, hooch is crazy.

269. Listen, tell Carla it's my fault

270. because I kept Turk out all night and he overslept.

271. It was J.D.'s fault.

272. How come Turk hasn't called me?

273. - Why hasn't Turk called her? - I wanted to fix it.

274. He wanted to fix it.

275. Ask Betty why he's such a girly girl.

276. - Not now. - Do it now, do it now.

277. - Call her Betty. - You're insane.

278. Betty, Betty, Betty, Betty, Betty, Betty. (whistles)

279. - Betty? - Yeah?

280. Oh, my God, it worked!

281. Ask J.D. when Turk wants to get together.

282. When does Turk want to get together?

283. He, oh, look, I'm so sorry about last night.

284. But I already explained to Carla how you overslept.

285. Now she wants to know when you want to meet up.

286. I didn't oversleep. I decided not to go.

287. Uhh! Uhh! Uhh!

288. I don't know how she jammed this. Can you open that door?

289. (Janitor) Ok, you made it up here without passing out or vomiting.

290. Now just calmly and eloquently explain

291. that you can't open the door right now,

292. and he'll be on his way.

293. (speaks gibberish) Well done.

294. Are you mocking me?

295. Just give me this damn screwdriver.

296. Hello, young lady.

297. I went ahead and set up an appointment for you

298. with our nutritionist.

299. She's going to help you create a diet and exercise plan

300. so I never have to see you in here again.

301. Yeah, I'm having a gastric bypass.

302. But, Ms. Goldman, you're only 25,

303. and considering that any serious surgery has inherent risks,

304. - I really don't— - How are you not getting this?

305. I don't care what you think.

306. Carla, I am so sorry about those messages from your mother,

307. but I'm going to make it up to you.

308. It's ok, Elliot.

309. It was really nice hearing my mom's voice again.

310. I just, I wish I could talk to her

311. about everything that's going on.

312. Oh. You know, I'm really not comfortable with this kind of stuff.

313. Carla, you can totally talk to people once they're gone.

314. I used to talk to our maid Consuela all the time.

315. - When did she die? - When I was 11.

316. At least that's what my dad told me.

317. I mean, I found out after college that he actually had her deported

318. for putting knives in the fork drawer.

319. You know, Elliot, you're a lot more normal than you should be.

320. Well, you do what you can with what you got.

321. Holy frick!

322. First my parents get divorced, now you and Carla are all messed up.

323. What's the common denominator? J.D.

324. I should get business cards that say "love destroyer."

325. Dude, it's not your fault.

326. Don't get me wrong, hanging with you

327. these last couple of days has been nice.

328. Nice? It was intoxicating.

329. You were hanging with the J. Dizzle.

330. I'm sure it felt like some sort of crazy dream.

331. I know, 'cause with the J. Dizzle, everything's hassle-free.

332. Yeah, like some sort of crazy, hassle-free dream.

333. Ok, stop, stop.

334. Maybe that's why I skipped the brunch.

335. I just can't help thinking marriage shouldn't be this hard.

336. So you're my gastric bypass. You got any questions?

337. Nope. See you in the O.R. tomorrow.

338. I'll be the one with the mask on. That's how easy marriage should be.

339. I won't be there, but I'm sure it will be nice operating on you.

340. What is it, Bob?

341. When the hell did patients stop respecting us?

342. I really tried to help that young woman,

343. and she rolled over me like Enid's wheelchair over Baxter's tail.

344. - Huh? - Enid was recently paralyzed.

345. - I haven't told anyone. - Hmm.

346. Anyway, I couldn't handle the patients,

347. so go ahead, take your shots.

348. I want to, Bob, I really do.

349. But my first patient today was a snot-nosed little punk

350. who wouldn't let me give him a rectal exam

351. unless I said "pretty please" first,

352. and I'm just not big on begging strangers

353. to stick my hand up their butt.

354. Not even in my private time.

355. Remember when being a doctor meant that people would look up to you?

356. - Yeah. - Yeah.

357. When I first started out, I could take this old white coat out,

358. get a free haircut or a nice table at a restaurant.

359. Hell, I never once got a speeding ticket.

360. People used to give me cards and gifts and sometimes even a pie

361. just for doing my job.

362. Every mother wanted me to marry their daughter

363. because I was a doctor,

364. and I used that to sleep with all those mothers

365. because that's what a house call used to mean.

366. Those were the good ol' incredibly disturbing days, Bob.

367. Today, people think of us as drug-dispensing walking lawsuits

368. who are in fact less informed than their Internet phones.

369. So that's what that damn thing was.

370. I will tell you one thing, though.

371. If you even want to have an outside chance

372. of reaching someone nowadays,

373. you damn sure better speak from your heart.

374. Thank you, Perry.

375. Blow it out your ass, Bob.

376. Ok. Ohh! (spits, coughs)

377. - (Carla) Elliot. - Yeah?

378. I spoke to the groundskeeper.

379. He'll come over as soon as he finishes burying Paul Newman.

380. Different Paul Newman I asked. I'll just wait here with you.

381. Oh, Carla, go.

382. I'm fine down here in this giant, fresh, empty grave.

383. Ok, bye.

384. (J.D.) I didn't know what to say to Turk next, and then it happened.

385. Sir, the door was open.

386. - I know. I just love doing that. - Ah, what now, grandpa?

387. You are gonna shut your damn yapper and listen for a change

388. because I got you pegged, sweetheart.

389. You want to take the easy way out with this surgery

390. because you're scared, and you're scared because if you try and fail,

391. there's only you to blame.

392. Well, missy, let me break this down for you bobbo-style.

393. Life is scary. Get used to it.

394. (J.D.) And then it seemed like Dr. Kelso wasn't only talking to her.

395. There are no magical fixes.

396. It's all up to you.

397. So get up off your keister, get out of here, and go start doing the work.

398. - What if it's too hard? - Yeah, what if it's too hard?

399. Turkelton, I have no idea why you're chiming in,

400. but I'll say this to both of you.

401. Nothing in this world that's worth having comes easy.

402. I gotta go.

403. Ok, here it goes.

404. Oh, this is so weird.

405. I don't really know what to say.

406. Sorry I haven't visited much. I've been kind of busy.

407. That's not true. Why am I lying to a slab of granite?

408. I just know I really could've used you around this week.

409. I miss you.

410. Can you tell her I miss her, too?

411. You know what? Never mind. Because she wouldn't believe you.

412. - Ha, ha, ha! - Ha, ha, ha!

413. (J.D.) You can never truly capture the past.

414. That'll be $18.

415. Oh, I'm not paying. I'm a doctor.

416. Yeah, we don't do that anymore. You're paying.

417. (J.D.) You still have to try, though,

418. because as a recently incarcerated doctor once said,

419. "Nothing worth having comes easy."

420. So you ready to come home?

421. I'm trying to get there, Turk. I'm just not there yet.

422. All right. You take all the time you need, ok?

423. Wait.

424. Would you mind sitting here with me for a little longer?

425. Is anybody there? Anybody? Hello?

426. Keep it together, Elliot. Things could be worse.

427. Oh, dear God. I'm going to die in a watery grave.