Scrubs 4x2

Directed by Gail Mancuso

Robert Maschio as Todd • Aloma Wright as Laverne Roberts • John Brady as Mr. Silka • Andrew Herman as Mr. Roman • Herman Poppe as Mr. Porter

Dr. Clock tries to reconcile J.D. and Eliot, while waiting to see which one Dr. Cox will give the Chief Resident position to. Molly and Carla are experiencing some subtle conflict and Elliot and J.D. begin to come together after long bouts of conflict of their own. Meanwhile, Dr. Cox, Turk and the Janitor are forced to work together to help a patient.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. (J.D.) I was a little nervous today.

2. Maybe it was because I had no idea

3. who this guy on the back of my bike was.

4. See ya tomorrow!

5. Will do.

6. (J.D.) Or maybe I was nervous because at 3:00

7. Dr. Cox was going to name me the new chief resident.

8. How do I know?

9. Well, for one thing, I'm the only one who applied.

10. But I'm also the only one who's truly focused enough to—

11. - (crash) - Whoa!

12. Let me get this straight.

13. You crash into their truck

14. and they just drive you to work?

15. Oh, we didn't come straight here.

16. Come on, Dorian, you gotta want it!

17. Hold on. They made you move furniture?

18. Well, it wasn't all bad.

19. Bubble wrap! Bubble wrap! Bubble wrap!

20. - Yay! - You guys!

21. Bubble wrap!

22. Johnny!

23. (J.D.) Dr. Molly Clock, the new attending psychiatrist.

24. Yes, she was... ♪ hot! ♪ But I wasn't a fan.

25. For one thing, she's always calling me Johnny.

26. Also, she wasn't very nice.

27. Hey, sit with us. We'll make room, even if I have to stand.

28. (J.D.) What a bitch.

29. Plus, she's always with Elliot,

30. and since I dumped her, we weren't getting along all that great.

31. Anybody got any extra ketchup packets?

32. - Thank you, Elliot. - Hmph.

33. So, what are you guys gonna do now that your residencies are over?

34. Oh, I'm still a resident.

35. Yeah, Dr. Kelso said I'm the first medical resident

36. to repeat his third year

37. in the entire history of the hospital.

38. That's a bad thing, Doug.

39. Oh, I'm staying positive.

40. Well, I'm starting my endocrinology and metabolism fellowship.

41. I'm really looking forward to cataloguing all the genetic variations

42. - (snoring) - Of hirsutism.

43. Oh, really? Ha ha.

44. Well, excuse me for taking an interest in hormonal regulatory research

45. - (thump) - And related—

46. You know, Elliot, I still think you'd make a good chief resident.

47. Carla, for the five-billionth time, I'm not interested.

48. I think you would be a great chief resident.

49. You do?

50. - I just said that. - I know.

51. Sorry, ladies. Job's taken.

52. Dr. Cox is naming ass-face here at 3:00. It's too late.

53. Well, maybe it's not too late.

54. - Yeah, it is, Carla. - Maybe it's not.

55. You know, you're right, Molly, maybe it isn't.

56. What the hell?

57. (whispering) They're all against you.

58. I'm invisible, I'm invisible, I'm invisible—

59. - Ah, damn it! - (Elliot) Dr. Cox?

60. Can I still be considered as a candidate for the chief residency?

61. She asked, without a prayer.

62. Sure. Why not?

63. - Ha ha! - Aah!

64. You okay, buddy?

65. (J.D.) I just needed to talk to someone.

66. Tough break, J.D.

67. You've dreamed of being chief resident

68. ever since you were a little boy

69. growing up in Troutwood, Ohio.

70. Thank you, Frank.

71. (pop)

72. Hmm.

73. (Kelso) So what do you think, Perry?

74. Well, now, I'll tell you there, Bob-o,

75. either this kid has a light bulb up his butt

76. or his colon has a great idea.

77. Excuse us, Lyle.

78. Hey, do you have a magazine?

79. Not in me— I mean, on me.

80. That young man's father is very important.

81. Don't tell me— he donated a wing.

82. He donated a wing, a thigh, and a breast.

83. - Oh, sir? - Yes, genius,

84. in this metaphor the hospital is a chicken.

85. Oh, please, sir, I totally get that.

86. (J.D.) How could a hospital be a chicken?

87. Focus on nothing else.

88. What a jerk.

89. Hey, when Elliot asked you if she could run for chief resident

90. and you said, "why not?" That was just a goof, right?

91. Dr. Cox! Ran all those tests on Mr. Landesman.

92. Top-notch work there, Barbie.

93. She's good.

94. She's very, very, very good.

95. Oh. Sorry. Where were we?

96. I am a medical professional,

97. and you are not going to get me to compete with Elliot.

98. - Well, JoJo, right now she's winning. - Let me know how to get back on top.

99. I'll do anything, even if it means I have to kill somebody!

100. Well, you could start by getting the light bulb out of this genius' pooper.

101. (slaps J.D. with file) Impress me.

102. Oh, I'll impress you!

103. Hit the water!

104. (J.D.) I'll impress him some other way.

105. Doug! Stay positive.

106. Awesome!

107. Perry. You know, I have a cousin named Perry.

108. But, actually, no, he's not my cousin.

109. And, you know, his name isn't Perry.

110. It's Jeff.

111. That's so funny.

112. I have an uncle named "stop bothering me."

113. Interesting. Anyway, this morning Dr. Kelso told me

114. that since psychiatrists are the Wal-Mart greeters of medicine,

115. I need to start publishing a paper to earn my keep.

116. So I'm going to do this study

117. about conflict resolution between hospital personnel,

118. and I was wondering if I could observe you.

119. Look, "doctor,"

120. us real doctors are here to work,

121. so there's not a whole lot of conflict.

122. Now, my day is already bad enough

123. on account of I gotta tell Mr. Roman that he—that—

124. oh, my god.

125. Mr. Roman doesn't need to have surgery.

126. I ne-hever get to give good news.

127. Subject elongates words when excited.

128. Mr. Roman, gr-reat news!

129. I don't need surgery. Dr. Turk just told me.

130. Yeah, you should've seen him.

131. He was so happy he started dancing.

132. Not standing up, but while lying in his bed.

133. From, like, the waist up.

134. You stole my moment,

135. and you'll pay.

136. Oh, this is good.

137. Molly helped me fill out my chief resident application,

138. so, gonna go give it to Dr. Cox.

139. There you go, working girl.

140. I've told Elliot a million times

141. that she would be a good chief resident,

142. but she just ignored me.

143. Maybe she's racist.

144. Whatever. It's fine. It's fine.

145. It's not like all my friends are gonna go to Molly for advice.

146. Nurse Roberts, if you still want to talk about that situation

147. with your husband, we can go to my office now.

148. Excuse me.

149. (J.D.) When Turk told me he pissed Dr. Cox off by stealing his moment,

150. I decided not to share it with Elliot.

151. Dr. Cox. Can you come take a look at my patient's rash? It's really weird.

152. Oh, I would love to come take a look

153. at your patient's rash, but also, if time allows,

154. maybe we could go over some preliminary ideas for your wedding dress.

155. I have sketches in my locker.

156. Psst! Barbie! Listen carefully,

157. because the policy remains unchanged.

158. Unless someone is dying, and pl-lease note,

159. dying, not dead,

160. I'm not interested.

161. And P.S., just a real strong showing for a chief resident candidate.

162. God almighty.

163. Hoooo...

164. Wow. Don't feel bad.

165. You couldn't have seen it coming. Awful, though.

166. Well, I'm off to pilates.

167. (J.D.) I didn't feel bad because a lot of people were playing dirty around here.

168. I told him all about the surgery and he's good to go.

169. Hey, so what do you say we yank out that gallbladder?

170. That's the way you tell me I need major surgery?

171. You said you told him.

172. Oh, stop it. Why would I steal your moment?

173. Except for maybe because payback is a bitch.

174. Have one, baby.

175. You'll feel better.

176. Turk. I heard your conflict with Dr. Cox escalated.

177. He's already starting to look like the break-out character

178. of my case study, the one that people love to hate.

179. Anyway, in my opinion,

180. it is more effective to address the situation

181. than it is to become self-destructive

182. by overindulging a sweet tooth.

183. She's right.

184. You don't have that cookie, we're getting a divorce.

185. - Baby, I'm not hungry now. - Eat it.

186. - What? - It's 3:00.

187. 3:00's when you announce new chief resident,

188. - so we thought you might want— - Barbie. You're chief resident.

189. (high-pitched) Ha ha ha ha ha! Very funny.

190. So not joking.

191. Aah! Yay! Ha!

192. Oh, my god.

193. Now I know how Liza Minelli felt.

194. When she won the Oscar, not when she married that gay pan-faced alien.

195. Newbie, how you doin'?

196. (J.D.) Keep it together. It's "be a man" time.

197. No, no, I totally understand.

198. Come on. You did what you had to do.

199. You went with your gut. Elliot's a great doctor.

200. I do have 3 questions, though.

201. Why do you hate me when I show you nothing but love?

202. Who's gonna tell my mom?

203. And what the hell am I supposed to do

204. with 10,000 "John Dorian, Chief Resident" business cards?

205. Yeah, Scarlett, you're chief resident, too.

206. Uh, what, now?

207. Well, I figure with her being ridiculously book smart

208. to the point where she has almost no interpersonal skills

209. and you being warm and cuddly as an un-potty trained labradoodle

210. and about as useful in high-stress medical situations

211. as an un-potty trained labradoodle,

212. together, the two of you make one barely passable doctor...

213. Slash labradoodle.

214. Wait. So if we're both gonna be chief residents,

215. why didn't you just say that from the beginning?

216. What, and miss your hall of fame hissy?

217. Not on your life. Walk with me.

218. John Dorian, chief resident.

219. It's just that Elliot and I doing this together is gonna be a little tough.

220. We're going through a bit of a rough patch.

221. I totally get that. What you need to do

222. is just give each other tons of space.

223. Here, uh... Here's your office.

224. Well. Enjoy.

225. Maybe I wasn't clear.

226. This patient is important.

227. Don't pass him off to dumb guy.

228. Sir, I take issue with that.

229. Son, you were gathering a group of large orderlies

230. to get the light bulb out of the patient by doing what?

231. Shaking him like a beach towel.

232. Good-bye.

233. Last chance, Perry.

234. Fix this kid.

235. I paged a surgical consult.

236. Of course you did.

237. I heard this guy's got a light bulb up his ass.

238. Are—are you the surgical consult?

239. No. I'm not even working today.

240. I just want to ask him 4 questions.

241. Whazzup? Dr. Turk is in the house...

242. (J.D.) Conflict is everywhere,

243. whether it's out in the open...

244. Or bubbling just under the surface.

245. You know what I realized by doing this study?

246. Some of the most interesting conflicts are when one of the parties

247. doesn't even realize they're in a fight.

248. Really?

249. (J.D.) I guess the only thing to do when you're in the middle of it

250. is to hope that nothing makes it worse.

251. Cleaning time!

252. Don't worry, I'll go fast.

253. - Ohh! - That one got away.

254. - It burns! - Ammonia burns?

255. Hmm. Write that down.

256. Yes, I'm happy. But I'd be happier

257. if I didn't have to share the job with such a jerk.

258. Elliot, I can hear you.

259. You guys, this situation would be perfect for my study.

260. - Oh, no. - Don't worry, Johnny.

261. Everyone's going to be anonymous. I'm only using initials. You'll be J.D.

262. Great. Maybe we could make it permanent.

263. Johnny...

264. The way I see it, you guys need to get past it and talk like adults,

265. or you can behave like petty children.

266. (J.D.) We decided to go petty.

267. Okay. Instead of sharing you all,

268. we're going to separate you into 2 resident teams

269. so that J.D. and I never have to see each other.

270. - I'll take Doug. - Yes!

271. Suck on that.

272. Whew. Thanks, J.D. First pick.

273. Relax, Doug. You're the only one whose name I know.

274. I'll take Indian Elvis.

275. - Pick the hot chick. - Shut up, Doug.

276. We'll take the hot chick.

277. Yeah, uh, name's Amy, actually.

278. John Dorian, chief resident. Website's on the back.

279. Hey. I've got, like, a 2-hour break between patients.

280. Do you want to grab lunch?

281. Or dinner? I'm not really sure what time it is.

282. (J.D.) Elliot and I weren't the only ones who decided to go petty.

283. Ohh... you know what? I have a barbecue to go to.

284. Why don't you meet me there?

285. Cool.

286. - Hey, are you Todd? - Oh, yeah.

287. Carla said you're having a barbecue.

288. No. But stick around.

289. Let's see if we can get something cookin'.

290. This is Pat and Frank from 4G.

291. Hi. I'm Molly.

292. And you're naked.

293. Awesome.

294. Why don't we just reach up there and tug that bad boy out?

295. It's not a rabbit in a hat.

296. If you tug on it, it's going to break,

297. and if it breaks, he's going to need surgery,

298. and if you perform it, then of course he's going to need a casket.

299. So... why don't you just play quietly in your area until the crowd arrives?

300. Crowd? I thought nobody wanted to take the case.

301. At first, but now that it's become a bit of a hospital mystery,

302. every jackass in the joint is going to want to come in here

303. and give their 2 cents' worth.

304. If we could just find the lamp the bulb came from.

305. Leon's trained to retrieve things.

306. That's why my wife and I use candles.

307. Zeltzer, you are hands down to most disturbing man I've ever met in my life.

308. Oh, stop it.

309. Hey, are you and your wife open-minded?

310. That's it!

311. I want everybody to get out

312. who's not an expert on light bulbs.

313. Go on, get out. (whistles)

314. Out out out out out out out out!

315. What are you still doing here?

316. What you have there is an a-21 bulb on an e-26 base,

317. burning 100 watts, putting out about 130 volts.

318. Get over here. You're helping me.

319. Not so fast, cowboy. You're working with me, tall man.

320. Mm... actually, no.

321. If I had the time, maybe, but I've got a room to clean.

322. Ahh.

323. Keep up, people. We got pre-rounds to do.

324. Okay, she's gone.

325. Now, I've heard some rumors

326. there's been some fraternizing

327. with some of Dr. Reid's residents.

328. Now, I don't want to mention any names,

329. but, Slobodan, enough of that crap!

330. Watch your ass.

331. Now, come on, you nerds.

332. Carla. Todd has something he wants to say to you.

333. I'm sorry if I ever demeaned you, Carla.

334. You see, my feelings about women were warped

335. by a very unhealthy relationship with my mother.

336. We made out once.

337. That's good, Todd. Keep going.

338. Monique, I owe you an apology.

339. You fixed the Todd?

340. Well, without regular therapy,

341. it'll probably only last a week.

342. So, you're mad at me.

343. Excuse me?

344. Oh! You're not mad at me.

345. Why did you just close your eyes at me?

346. I've never been able to wink.

347. Oh, okay. I'm not mad.

348. Cool. You're obviously very stubborn and very proud,

349. but you're nice, so eventually you're going to tell me.

350. No, I won't.

351. Let go of that anger.

352. Not my office.

353. How's it going in here?

354. - Go away! - Go away!

355. Wow, you kind of harmonized on that. That was cool.

356. It's funny. It's not about the argument anymore between you two.

357. It's a competition about who can be stubborn the longest.

358. If you think about it, the real winner's gonna be...

359. Who has the guts to apologize first?

360. So interesting.

361. (both) I got something to say!

362. I'm sorry about the gallbladder thing this morning.

363. - Damn it! - Yes! I win!

364. It's just that you surgeons

365. ride in here on your white horse

366. and you save the day, and the best news

367. that I ever get to give everybody, anybody, ever,

368. is, oh, by the way, ma'am,

369. were you aware that that breathing tube you have in your neck

370. also comes in day-glo pink?

371. Come on, look, bottom line,

372. I really needed to win. I did,

373. and I finally got one, and, dude,

374. you—you stole it, man.

375. I needed one, too.

376. Boo-hoo.

377. Where's my win?

378. Think anybody thanks me for cleaning bathrooms?

379. Janitor, the bathrooms are filthy.

380. Well, no one was thanking me, so I quit cleaning them.

381. Holy cow.

382. Do you realize if we could get a tight enough clamp

383. around the bulb and then just—

384. No, no, no, you'll break the thing.

385. Look, here's the thing about light bulbs, okay?

386. They're structurally weak at the narrow end,

387. but the round end is surprisingly strong.

388. So if we could get behind the bulb...

389. I see where you're headed. We go down through the mouth.

390. (whistles) Your turn's over.

391. All we need to do is thread an angioplastic balloon

392. past the bulb...

393. Inflate it...

394. - Pull it. - (both) And then pull.

395. I concur.

396. (pop)

397. Ahh!

398. - Doctor. - Doctor.

399. Doctor.

400. - Doctor. - Doctor.

401. No...

402. Doug wanted me to give this patient 500,000 milligrams of morphine.

403. I thought I'd check with you before I killed the man.

404. Unbelievable, Doug.

405. Don't worry. I just came to check my patient.

406. Do whatever you want. Just don't come over to my area.

407. You couldn't pay me to come over to your area.

408. Well, I wouldn't pay you.

409. Well, you don't have enough money.

410. It just so happens I have a rich uncle

411. who'd do anything for me, but I'd never call in that favor

412. just to pay you to come over to that area.

413. (J.D.) Got her.

414. I hate to interrupt, but I think you need to take a look at this man.

415. I think he's in v-tach.

416. Get the crash cart.

417. Give one milligram epi.

418. (J.D.) The best thing about this place

419. is that when someone's really in trouble,

420. all the pettiness melts away.

421. What are you doing?

422. Oh, well, I'm tired of trying to find my office,

423. so I just set up shop here.

424. Oh! Okay, that's not weird.

425. Look, I want to apologize for my wife.

426. She'd never admit it to you,

427. but she likes to be the person around here who tells everybody what to do.

428. Apparently she can't get enough of it at home.

429. Right? Right?

430. Wrong.

431. Look...

432. If every once in a while

433. you could let her be the one to give the advice,

434. you guys might end up being friends.

435. I can do that.

436. And tell Carla I said you did well.

437. Ha ha ha ha!

438. You truly underestimate how proud my wife is.

439. If she knew I was here, she'd kill me.

440. All right.

441. What happened to the part about how much I help people around here?

442. She said I did well.

443. (whistles) Turtlehead.

444. You're gonna want to get a piece of this. Come on.

445. Where'd you get the coat?

446. I earned it.

447. Let's get our moment.

448. Thanks for all the hard work, Bob.

449. Glad to do it.

450. Oh, and, uh, Bart, I think Lyle

451. might be ready for that rough-sex-play talk

452. you had with your other boys.

453. Too late.

454. Can you imagine us trying to do that 3 years ago?

455. (laughs) No.

456. Remember our first code?

457. Well, I remember hiding in a supply closet.

458. That's the one.

459. (J.D.) Ultimately, conflict is resolved

460. by remembering why you were friends in the first place.

461. Don't hang up, Lester.

462. You should talk to her. You know her better.

463. (J.D.) Or by swallowing your pride.

464. I know what you're doing.

465. But I'm okay with it.

466. He's coming. He's coming.

467. Get your ass out here.

468. (J.D.) Or by uniting against the moment-stealing

469. common enemy who took credit for your ingenious method

470. of debulbing a patient's keister.

471. (Dr. Kelso) Good lord!

472. (J.D.) In the end, though, it doesn't really matter how you get there.

473. As long as you're friends again.

474. I miss this.

475. Just, like...

476. Hanging out, you know?

477. Me, too.

478. We should go get coffee.

479. (laughs) We're having coffee.

480. No, no, I mean, like, outside coffee.

481. Real world coffee.

482. The point is, we should hang out

483. outside the hospital sometime.

484. J.D., I still need time. I know it's gonna be hard for you

485. because you like to fix everything right away, but...

486. You just do the best you can, okay?

487. Is it fixed now?

488. Nope.

489. (J.D.) Shoot!

490. Bye-bye!