1. (J.D.) Kylie and I
still hadn't slept together,
Copy !req
2. but I had a feeling her 4-week
Booty embargo was about to end.
Copy !req
3. I have a surprise
for you tonight.
Copy !req
4. (J.D.) God, I hope it's sex.
Or a pony.
Copy !req
5. I'll bet it's sex
'cause I don't see a pony.
Copy !req
6. Wait right here.
Copy !req
7. It's for your scooter.
What are you doing?
Copy !req
8. Nothing, I was just
gonna do a little laundry.
Copy !req
9. I assume your facilities
are in-building?
Copy !req
10. Why is it always about sex
with you?
Copy !req
11. It's not. Look, Kylie,
Copy !req
12. I'm just really proud of my abs.
Or ab.
Copy !req
13. (J.D.)
Turk and Carla were having
Copy !req
14. some relationship trouble
of their own,
Copy !req
15. but at least
they were working on it.
Copy !req
16. Baby, I don't understand why we
can't discuss this after the A-team.
Copy !req
17. Turk, a lot of married couples
hit roadblocks their first year,
Copy !req
18. but nothing's gonna get resolved
Copy !req
19. if we don't get our issues
out in the open.
Copy !req
20. Ok, let's do this.
Copy !req
21. - Ok, what's bothering me—
- Hey, hey! There he is!
Copy !req
22. My buddy hit it and quit it,
didn't he?
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23. (J.D.)
Hell, no.
Copy !req
24. - Hell, yes!
- Ha, ha, ha!
Copy !req
25. Now if you'll excuse me,
it's time for my nightly ritual.
Copy !req
26. (J.D.) Pleasure myself,
weep, and repeat.
Copy !req
27. You see, Turk,
this is our problem.
Copy !req
28. We're trying to have a serious
conversation here,
Copy !req
29. but you're more concerned about
how your other wife is doing.
Copy !req
30. Ok, you know what bothers me?
Copy !req
31. Every little thing
with you becomes a big issue.
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32. You make mountains
out of molehills.
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33. When have I ever made a mountain
out of a molehill?
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34. Turk!
Copy !req
35. If you can't remember to put
the cap on the toothpaste,
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36. how are we gonna
raise our children?
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37. You know what, I'm gonna stay
with my sister.
Copy !req
38. I guess I could
work on it a little.
Copy !req
39. Ok, if the patient is in shock,
the first thing we want to try to do
Copy !req
40. is assess intravascular volume—
Copy !req
41. - (imitates buzzer)
- What? That's right.
Copy !req
42. Oh, I know.
I wasn't (imitates buzzer) you
Copy !req
43. to indicate an incorrect answer,
Copy !req
44. I was (imitates buzzer) you
because I was bored,
Copy !req
45. and I thought that just
might drive you crazy.
Copy !req
46. Oh, you're a wonderful teacher.
Copy !req
47. Stop (imitates buzzer) me
in front of my residents.
Copy !req
48. - It's unprofessional.
- You're right, Barbie. Carry on.
Copy !req
49. (clears throat)
So...
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50. When you're dealing
with cardiogenic shock...
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51. It's best to start
fluid resuscitation—
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52. Bong!
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53. Let's keep moving.
Copy !req
54. You know, I don't really appreciate
you messing with my lady.
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55. Your lady?
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56. Blonde doctor and I are gonna
end up together.
Copy !req
57. And I'm talking
the whole shebang,
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58. House in the 'burbs,
Volvo in the driveway,
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59. dog-fighting ring
in the basement.
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60. I guess it wouldn't
be the first time
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61. the Janitor got the girl.
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62. Oh, wait a minute.
Yes, it would.
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63. You want to place a wager?
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64. I do, but here
I really have no need
Copy !req
65. for a cracked thermos
and 2 pounds of keys.
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66. How about my Van
for your Porsche?
Copy !req
67. I suppose when I win,
I could destroy your vehicle
Copy !req
68. and make a watch, couldn't I?
Copy !req
69. - Bet.
- Bet.
Copy !req
70. All right,
give me all the details on Kylie.
Copy !req
71. Dude, it was so naughty.
We're kissing, right, and she's like,
Copy !req
72. "I think it's a little hot in here,"
starts pulling down her skirt.
Copy !req
73. Oh, ho, ho!
Copy !req
74. (J.D.) Oh, my God. I'm getting turned
on by my own fake story.
Copy !req
75. Damn you, ruptured spleen!
To be continued.
Copy !req
76. (J.D.)
Thank God Turk left,
Copy !req
77. because I can't think
about sex anymore.
Copy !req
78. Luckily for me, there isn't a whole
lot of temptation in a hospital.
Copy !req
79. Howdy, stranger.
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80. - Do you still want me?
- Yes, please.
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81. - Hey, stranger.
- Aah!
Copy !req
82. Ouch.
Copy !req
83. (J.D.) So Molly's back in town.
She definitely wants me.
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84. - Bye. How you doing, J.J.?
- That's J.D.
Copy !req
85. Oh, right. I was just thinking
of that Jimmie Walker sitcom.
Copy !req
86. Good times?
Copy !req
87. Not great.
My sister had a miscarriage.
Copy !req
88. Molly?
Copy !req
89. - Aah!
- Aah!
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90. - You look fantastic.
- So do you.
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91. - How's Milwaukee?
- It's ok.
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92. I'm just here to see a patient.
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93. (J.D.)
Even though she did
Copy !req
94. the fake forget-my-name
thing, she's here for me.
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95. I think we all know
there's no patient.
Copy !req
96. They've landed!
Copy !req
97. Grab some blankets and
all the canned goods you can carry.
Copy !req
98. We're moving to the sewers.
Copy !req
99. Apparently, he's gotten
really possessive of me.
Copy !req
100. He won't talk to the
new staff psychiatrist.
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101. Molly, I'm sure
he's not that possessive.
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102. - (Patrick) Get away from my doctor!
- Whoa!
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103. (J.D.)
Get him off! Get him off!
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104. Patrick, down.
Copy !req
105. Ha, ha, ha!
Copy !req
106. It is so good to laugh like this
with you again.
Copy !req
107. I'm on a break here, newbie,
Copy !req
108. so tell your shiny-headed
roommate if he doesn't shut up,
Copy !req
109. his first surgery tomorrow
will be removing
Copy !req
110. that cell phone from his own ass.
Copy !req
111. Will you give him a break?
He's talking to his wife.
Copy !req
112. Anybody seen Mr. Jennings' file?
Oh, here it is.
Copy !req
113. This just got interesting.
Copy !req
114. - Who are you talking to?
- Rosanna.
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115. - Your college girlfriend?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
116. - Could I say hi?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
117. Hey, Rosanna.
Copy !req
118. Ohh!
Dude, what the hell?
Copy !req
119. (Rosanna)
Hello? J.D.?
Copy !req
120. This phone is indestructible.
Copy !req
121. Even has a camera.
I'm so getting one.
Copy !req
122. (Rosanna)
Anybody dere?
Copy !req
123. Dude!
Copy !req
124. Why are you talking
to your college girlfriend?
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125. - We're just friends!
- Ahh. Just friends.
Copy !req
126. I was just friends once
with a Vietnamese girl.
Copy !req
127. Long story short,
I'm on the hook
Copy !req
128. for sending Trong Tri Kelso
to college,
Copy !req
129. and he doesn't want to go
to a state school.
Copy !req
130. Unlike you, Bobbo,
Copy !req
131. Gandhi here
is in a healthy relationship.
Copy !req
132. I mean, come on, look,
even Jordan lets me
Copy !req
133. keep in touch with women
from my past.
Copy !req
134. Give me a pound, my dawg.
Copy !req
135. - He gets me.
- Give me a pound, dawg.
Copy !req
136. Does he know
you were being sarcastic?
Copy !req
137. - I hope not.
- Splendid.
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138. Gentlemen, crazy eyes Margo,
Copy !req
139. I've called the brain trust
together for one reason.
Copy !req
140. I have to find a way to make
blonde doctor mine.
Copy !req
141. Burn down her apartment.
Copy !req
142. I have an idea,
but we're gonna need a tugboat.
Copy !req
143. Tugboats and arson.
That's all I ever get from you guys.
Copy !req
144. We call this a brain trust, and
I'm the one with all the solutions.
Copy !req
145. I saved you from that eagle,
Randall.
Copy !req
146. I saved your job, Troy.
Copy !req
147. And, Margo,
I found your birth mother.
Copy !req
148. She was a tree person,
remember?
Copy !req
149. There's no shame in that.
Copy !req
150. Sorry, guys, but I've had enough.
Copy !req
151. I'm afraid I have to find
a new brain trust.
Copy !req
152. Gentlemen...
Copy !req
153. I don't want to appear selfish,
Copy !req
154. but stop what you're doing
and focus on me.
Copy !req
155. So, you seeing anyone?
Copy !req
156. I went on a few dates
with a guy named Rick,
Copy !req
157. but then he met my mom
and it all fell apart.
Copy !req
158. She didn't like him?
Copy !req
159. No. She loved him.
They're in Aruba.
Copy !req
160. God, I'd love to get with Molly.
Copy !req
161. Dude, you're pretty horny
for a guy who claims
Copy !req
162. to be getting it on a nightly basis.
Copy !req
163. What are you implying?
Copy !req
164. Well, let's just say
a little birdie told me
Copy !req
165. that you and Kylie
haven't slept together.
Copy !req
166. - Who?
- Nurse Birdie.
Copy !req
167. - Well, you haven't.
- I trusted you.
Copy !req
168. Dude,
it's been a month.
Copy !req
169. Oh, really, Turk?
Has it been a month?
Copy !req
170. Because
time just flies
Copy !req
171. when you're
dry-humping your way
Copy !req
172. through 3 pairs of cords.
Copy !req
173. Look, Kylie
hasn't slept with you,
Copy !req
174. so what she's saying is, she doesn't
want to be exclusive.
Copy !req
175. Is she dating?
Copy !req
176. She did go to a movie
with her brother-in-law.
Copy !req
177. That's perfect.
Copy !req
178. Dude, you can have your cake
and eat it, too.
Copy !req
179. It's like me talking
with my old girlfriend.
Copy !req
180. It boosts my self-esteem,
Copy !req
181. and I take all of this
positive energy back to Carla.
Copy !req
182. Now, this is what you do.
You go out with Molly
Copy !req
183. and you have a great time
while she's in town,
Copy !req
184. but once she leaves,
you go to Kylie
Copy !req
185. and you tell her you want to get
your exclusive on.
Copy !req
186. That is the dumbest idea
I've ever heard.
Copy !req
187. So once you got the hole
in the bottom of the popcorn box,
Copy !req
188. it's basically
just a waiting game.
Copy !req
189. And for the record,
that technique
Copy !req
190. does not work
with hot nachos.
Copy !req
191. You want to get Elliot, you get
in good with her best friend.
Copy !req
192. Who's Elliot?
Copy !req
193. - Oh.
- Trust me.
Copy !req
194. The way I got my girlfriend
in junior high
Copy !req
195. was by getting her
best friend to like me.
Copy !req
196. And how'd you do that?
Copy !req
197. Oh, I posed as her dad
so she could rent a car.
Copy !req
198. I lost my hair
in eighth grade.
Copy !req
199. Tough break five.
Copy !req
200. I'm going in.
Copy !req
201. Um, we should be friends.
Copy !req
202. - Ok.
- Do you like vanning?
Copy !req
203. I don't know what that is.
Copy !req
204. It's kind of my thing.
Copy !req
205. It's like taking
a long drive in a car
Copy !req
206. only it's in a Van.
Copy !req
207. I'm still not getting it.
Copy !req
208. Can you hold on for one sec?
Copy !req
209. She's an idiot.
Copy !req
210. Turk, I found your cell phone
in the parking lot.
Copy !req
211. 4 stories and not a scratch.
What are you made of?
Copy !req
212. You got 3 missed phone calls,
all from a "Rosanna."
Copy !req
213. Isn't that your ex-girlfriend?
Copy !req
214. So, what's been
going on with you?
Copy !req
215. I went to India for 2 weeks.
Copy !req
216. Ladies, this is a hospital,
not the junior league.
Copy !req
217. Let's break it up.
Copy !req
218. And, Dr. Clock, I feel as though
I've been seeing
Copy !req
219. less and less
of you recently.
Copy !req
220. We don't pay you good money
to go hide in your office.
Copy !req
221. Let's get out there
on the floor.
Copy !req
222. I moved to Milwaukee
4 months ago.
Copy !req
223. Welcome back.
Copy !req
224. This trip to India
sounds so exotic.
Copy !req
225. Hey, Kylie, I'm just calling to see
how your day is going.
Copy !req
226. And sweat would just be
dripping off our naked bodies.
Copy !req
227. Naked sweat drips.
Copy !req
228. - What?
- Oh, nothing, Kylie.
Copy !req
229. It's a new band called
the naked sweat drips.
Copy !req
230. They have a great song
called perfect breasts.
Copy !req
231. And then, I got so flexible,
Copy !req
232. I could put my legs
behind my head.
Copy !req
233. J.D., are you there?
Copy !req
234. Oh, Frick on a stick.
Look, I gotta get going.
Copy !req
235. I want to hear the rest of the story.
Don't forget where we were.
Copy !req
236. Feet up behind her head.
Copy !req
237. Who has their feet
behind their head?
Copy !req
238. A patient, Kylie.
Horrible car accident.
Copy !req
239. You gotta wear your seat belt,
Copy !req
240. I'm tellin' ya,
even around the block.
Copy !req
241. Hey.
Copy !req
242. I'm getting out of here.
Do you wanna grab a beer?
Copy !req
243. (J.D.) They say the best laid
plans of mice and men
Copy !req
244. often go awry.
Copy !req
245. I can't believe
you've been talking to her.
Copy !req
246. Now, honey, is it possible
Copy !req
247. you're making mountains
out of molehills?
Copy !req
248. Damn it.
Copy !req
249. (J.D.) Still, sometimes plans go
exactly like they're supposed to.
Copy !req
250. - You paged me?
- Yeah, look.
Copy !req
251. I made a bet with Dr. Cox that
you would go out with me.
Copy !req
252. And if I win,
I get his Porsche.
Copy !req
253. (J.D.) And the success
of those plans can take
Copy !req
254. even the most hardened men
by surprise.
Copy !req
255. Do you mind? I am trying
to have a private moment with my man.
Copy !req
256. Oh, God.
Copy !req
257. - I got lipstick on you.
- No. Leave it.
Copy !req
258. (J.D.) And sometimes even
the best of men can go awry.
Copy !req
259. So are you coming over tonight?
Copy !req
260. (Carla) Hey, J.D.
Copy !req
261. Buddy, you should try that cake
I was telling you about.
Copy !req
262. Actually, Kylie, I can't tonight.
Copy !req
263. (J.D.) If having my cake
and eating it, too,
Copy !req
264. meant being with Molly then
nothing was gonna get between us.
Copy !req
265. Hey, guys, you going out?
Copy !req
266. Yeah, you should come with us!
Copy !req
267. (Molly)
That's the close button.
Copy !req
268. No, it's a close button.
When someone gets close,
Copy !req
269. it activates a sensor
that opens the door.
Copy !req
270. Fancy.
Copy !req
271. (J.D.)
Oh, no, she's got a pinkie hold.
Copy !req
272. Elliot's got the finger strength
of a rock-climbing jazz pianist.
Copy !req
273. Uhh!
Copy !req
274. You were pressing
the wrong button.
Copy !req
275. Aah!
Copy !req
276. I'm so excited.
So where are we going?
Copy !req
277. We haven't decided yet!
Copy !req
278. I gotta tell you there, supercuts,
Copy !req
279. I've seen a lot of crazy things
at this hospital.
Copy !req
280. I've seen smokers live to be 100, and
I've seen tri-athletes come in here
Copy !req
281. and drop dead at 20.
Copy !req
282. I've seen unbridled joy, and
I've seen debilitating pain.
Copy !req
283. But I never thought
I'd see a jumpsuit-wearing,
Copy !req
284. Van-driving, vomit-cleaning,
no-good, confounded,
Copy !req
285. Frankenstein-looking buffoon
like you get a girl like Barbie.
Copy !req
286. I'm gonna paint
your Porsche mint green
Copy !req
287. so it looks like my Van's baby.
Copy !req
288. (speaking Vietnamese)
Not until you get your grades up!
Copy !req
289. Whoa. Rosanna gets her own
personal ring tone, but I don't?
Copy !req
290. - Baby, I don't have to answer this.
- It's cool.
Copy !req
291. I got the ring that matters, right?
Copy !req
292. Nurse Turkelton, I want to talk
to you about these discharge—
Copy !req
293. We can talk later.
Copy !req
294. You need to come
get a drink.
Copy !req
295. Yes, I do.
Copy !req
296. (Elliot) Janitor.
Copy !req
297. So, did
Dr. Cox pay up?
Copy !req
298. Uh, no. No.
Copy !req
299. He says that he needs to see us
on an actual date
Copy !req
300. in a restaurant tonight at 8:00.
Copy !req
301. Ok. Meet me at Stanwyck's?
Copy !req
302. - Sure.
- Ok.
Copy !req
303. Sorry, guys,
can't go clubbing tonight.
Copy !req
304. Daddy's got a date.
Copy !req
305. Oh, man!
Copy !req
306. I ironed my going-out hair!
Copy !req
307. You know, they make thongs
specifically for low-riders now.
Copy !req
308. They don't work for me.
I still can't sit down
Copy !req
309. without showing the whole world
the crack of my ass.
Copy !req
310. The other night, some guy tried
to put a pen in it.
Copy !req
311. (J.D.) Some guy?
Copy !req
312. I never get credit
for anything.
Copy !req
313. So, you guys think
I'm overreacting
Copy !req
314. about this whole Turk thing?
Copy !req
315. Phone calls from an ex
would drive me nuts.
Copy !req
316. (J.D.) I knew how to get rid of both
of them, but I can't do that to Turk.
Copy !req
317. (Mr. Peeps)
If you don't do it, I will.
Copy !req
318. (J.D.) Mr. Peeps?
Why are you British?
Copy !req
319. (Mr. Peeps) I'll explain later.
Just lose the extra bitches.
Copy !req
320. Carla.
Go talk to Turk.
Copy !req
321. Share with him
your feelings.
Copy !req
322. That's what he wants.
Copy !req
323. - Yeah?
- Come on.
Copy !req
324. I'll drive you.
I gotta go to dinner anyway.
Copy !req
325. (Mr. Peeps)
You're welcome.
Copy !req
326. We should probably go, too.
It's getting late.
Copy !req
327. Oh, no, no, no.
I just ordered 2 drinks.
Copy !req
328. Here they are.
Copy !req
329. Hey, Turk?
Copy !req
330. I promise
I will visit you soon.
Copy !req
331. I don't care
if I seem crazy.
Copy !req
332. Please stop talking to your ex.
Copy !req
333. Anything for you,
you know that.
Copy !req
334. College was weird. I was so worried
about being liked
Copy !req
335. that I let my freshman roommate think
we were dating for 3 months.
Copy !req
336. We broke up
at her sorority formal.
Copy !req
337. Hmm.
Copy !req
338. Oh, nobody could
snuggle like Daisy.
Copy !req
339. Didn't you say Dr. Cox
was coming at 8:00?
Copy !req
340. Oh, I'm sure
he'll be here soon.
Copy !req
341. I kissed a dude once.
It was at furnace camp.
Copy !req
342. (J.D.) Ok, J.D.,
you're a little drunk,
Copy !req
343. and you know what happens
when you get drunk.
Copy !req
344. You get handsy.
Now control yourself.
Copy !req
345. It's tough making
new friends in Milwaukee.
Copy !req
346. (J.D.)
I said control yourself!
Copy !req
347. You know, Molly, if people
aren't getting to know you,
Copy !req
348. then they're missing out.
Copy !req
349. - Do you think so?
- I do.
Copy !req
350. (J.D.) I knew at that moment
what would happen
Copy !req
351. if I reached over and brushed
the hair out of her eyes.
Copy !req
352. (J.D.) But I didn't do that.
I should get going.
Copy !req
353. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
354. Well, well, if it isn't marginally
attractive and the beast.
Copy !req
355. How did the Porsche drive?
Copy !req
356. Wait, why did we just go out
if you already have his Porsche?
Copy !req
357. Oh, my goodness.
Copy !req
358. He actually tricked you into a date.
Copy !req
359. This is so very delicious
and filling, I don't think
Copy !req
360. I'm going to be able to eat
the rest of the evening.
Copy !req
361. In fact, I honestly don't think
Copy !req
362. I can have one more bite
of your painful humiliation.
Copy !req
363. I find I'm just a little stuffed.
Copy !req
364. I will take my keys to go,
though.
Copy !req
365. Yippee!
Copy !req
366. You're unbelievable.
Copy !req
367. You're the only one around here
that treats me like a real person.
Copy !req
368. What did you just say?
Copy !req
369. There was one other girl
a few years ago.
Copy !req
370. Red-haired doctor.
Copy !req
371. She used to eat lunch with me
until the other residents
Copy !req
372. started making fun of her.
Copy !req
373. They called her
"Janitor lunch eater."
Copy !req
374. Not the most clever group.
Copy !req
375. Anyway, I know that
you don't think about me
Copy !req
376. the way that I think about you,
and I never really believed
Copy !req
377. that you would or that you could,
but just pretending
Copy !req
378. for today somehow made me
feel good for a change.
Copy !req
379. (sighs) I'm sorry.
Copy !req
380. You know what, it's ok.
Copy !req
381. I actually had a good time.
Copy !req
382. (chuckles) Thanks.
Copy !req
383. Elliot.
Copy !req
384. Oh, Kylie, I'm sorry. I hope
it's ok that I stopped by.
Copy !req
385. What was that for?
Copy !req
386. I was thinking about how patient
Copy !req
387. you've been with me,
how right things feel,
Copy !req
388. and then you showed up,
and it feels like fate.
Copy !req
389. Wait, are you saying
that you're ready?
Copy !req
390. Awesome.
Copy !req
391. First, let me set the mood.
Copy !req
392. And, Kylie, you're right, it is fate
Copy !req
393. because I was out
with this girl tonight
Copy !req
394. that I totally could
have had sex with,
Copy !req
395. but it was easy for me
to blow her off
Copy !req
396. because I was excited
to be with you.
Copy !req
397. Why have you stopped
lighting incense?
Copy !req
398. It makes the room
smell like Chinese rain.
Copy !req
399. You blew me off tonight
to be with some random girl?
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400. Well,
she's not a random girl.
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401. I mean, I had a crush on her
long before I met you.
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402. (Mr. Peeps)
I will kill you.
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403. You should go.
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404. (J.D. British accent)
I was in trouble,
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405. and if I didn't play my cards right,
I knew what could happen.
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406. (J.D.) Unfortunately,
that's what did happen.
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407. See, that's the thing about trying to
have your cake and eating it, too.
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408. If you make the slightest mistake,
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409. you usually wind up getting neither.
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410. We can fix that.
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411. Ha, ha, ha, ha!
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412. You guys are out.
You guys are back in.
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413. Where's Margo?
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414. She's at a Ludacris Concert
with her birth mom.
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415. I lose my Van to him,
and I lose Margo to gangster rap.
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416. Bad day.
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417. (J.D.) And, really,
who wants to risk something important
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418. just for a silly piece of cake?
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419. I did it. Cut off all ties
with Rosanna. Forever.
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420. Baby, that took like 20 seconds.
How'd you do that so quickly?
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421. It was easy.
I just told her I was married.
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422. You've been talking to this girl
you used to sleep with,
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423. and you never told her
you were married?
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424. She never asked.
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425. It's no big deal.
Because if you're lucky,
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426. maybe you won't be married
for much longer.
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427. Baby. Baby!
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