Scrubs 4x19

1. (J.D.) Kylie and I still hadn't slept together,

2. but I had a feeling her 4-week Booty embargo was about to end.

3. I have a surprise for you tonight.

4. (J.D.) God, I hope it's sex. Or a pony.

5. I'll bet it's sex 'cause I don't see a pony.

6. Wait right here.

7. It's for your scooter. What are you doing?

8. Nothing, I was just gonna do a little laundry.

9. I assume your facilities are in-building?

10. Why is it always about sex with you?

11. It's not. Look, Kylie,

12. I'm just really proud of my abs. Or ab.

13. (J.D.) Turk and Carla were having

14. some relationship trouble of their own,

15. but at least they were working on it.

16. Baby, I don't understand why we can't discuss this after the A-team.

17. Turk, a lot of married couples hit roadblocks their first year,

18. but nothing's gonna get resolved

19. if we don't get our issues out in the open.

20. Ok, let's do this.

21. - Ok, what's bothering me— - Hey, hey! There he is!

22. My buddy hit it and quit it, didn't he?

23. (J.D.) Hell, no.

24. - Hell, yes! - Ha, ha, ha!

25. Now if you'll excuse me, it's time for my nightly ritual.

26. (J.D.) Pleasure myself, weep, and repeat.

27. You see, Turk, this is our problem.

28. We're trying to have a serious conversation here,

29. but you're more concerned about how your other wife is doing.

30. Ok, you know what bothers me?

31. Every little thing with you becomes a big issue.

32. You make mountains out of molehills.

33. When have I ever made a mountain out of a molehill?

34. Turk!

35. If you can't remember to put the cap on the toothpaste,

36. how are we gonna raise our children?

37. You know what, I'm gonna stay with my sister.

38. I guess I could work on it a little.

39. Ok, if the patient is in shock, the first thing we want to try to do

40. is assess intravascular volume—

41. - (imitates buzzer) - What? That's right.

42. Oh, I know. I wasn't (imitates buzzer) you

43. to indicate an incorrect answer,

44. I was (imitates buzzer) you because I was bored,

45. and I thought that just might drive you crazy.

46. Oh, you're a wonderful teacher.

47. Stop (imitates buzzer) me in front of my residents.

48. - It's unprofessional. - You're right, Barbie. Carry on.

49. (clears throat) So...

50. When you're dealing with cardiogenic shock...

51. It's best to start fluid resuscitation—

52. Bong!

53. Let's keep moving.

54. You know, I don't really appreciate you messing with my lady.

55. Your lady?

56. Blonde doctor and I are gonna end up together.

57. And I'm talking the whole shebang,

58. House in the 'burbs, Volvo in the driveway,

59. dog-fighting ring in the basement.

60. I guess it wouldn't be the first time

61. the Janitor got the girl.

62. Oh, wait a minute. Yes, it would.

63. You want to place a wager?

64. I do, but here I really have no need

65. for a cracked thermos and 2 pounds of keys.

66. How about my Van for your Porsche?

67. I suppose when I win, I could destroy your vehicle

68. and make a watch, couldn't I?

69. - Bet. - Bet.

70. All right, give me all the details on Kylie.

71. Dude, it was so naughty. We're kissing, right, and she's like,

72. "I think it's a little hot in here," starts pulling down her skirt.

73. Oh, ho, ho!

74. (J.D.) Oh, my God. I'm getting turned on by my own fake story.

75. Damn you, ruptured spleen! To be continued.

76. (J.D.) Thank God Turk left,

77. because I can't think about sex anymore.

78. Luckily for me, there isn't a whole lot of temptation in a hospital.

79. Howdy, stranger.

80. - Do you still want me? - Yes, please.

81. - Hey, stranger. - Aah!

82. Ouch.

83. (J.D.) So Molly's back in town. She definitely wants me.

84. - Bye. How you doing, J.J.? - That's J.D.

85. Oh, right. I was just thinking of that Jimmie Walker sitcom.

86. Good times?

87. Not great. My sister had a miscarriage.

88. Molly?

89. - Aah! - Aah!

90. - You look fantastic. - So do you.

91. - How's Milwaukee? - It's ok.

92. I'm just here to see a patient.

93. (J.D.) Even though she did

94. the fake forget-my-name thing, she's here for me.

95. I think we all know there's no patient.

96. They've landed!

97. Grab some blankets and all the canned goods you can carry.

98. We're moving to the sewers.

99. Apparently, he's gotten really possessive of me.

100. He won't talk to the new staff psychiatrist.

101. Molly, I'm sure he's not that possessive.

102. - (Patrick) Get away from my doctor! - Whoa!

103. (J.D.) Get him off! Get him off!

104. Patrick, down.

105. Ha, ha, ha!

106. It is so good to laugh like this with you again.

107. I'm on a break here, newbie,

108. so tell your shiny-headed roommate if he doesn't shut up,

109. his first surgery tomorrow will be removing

110. that cell phone from his own ass.

111. Will you give him a break? He's talking to his wife.

112. Anybody seen Mr. Jennings' file? Oh, here it is.

113. This just got interesting.

114. - Who are you talking to? - Rosanna.

115. - Your college girlfriend? - Yeah.

116. - Could I say hi? - Yeah.

117. Hey, Rosanna.

118. Ohh! Dude, what the hell?

119. (Rosanna) Hello? J.D.?

120. This phone is indestructible.

121. Even has a camera. I'm so getting one.

122. (Rosanna) Anybody dere?

123. Dude!

124. Why are you talking to your college girlfriend?

125. - We're just friends! - Ahh. Just friends.

126. I was just friends once with a Vietnamese girl.

127. Long story short, I'm on the hook

128. for sending Trong Tri Kelso to college,

129. and he doesn't want to go to a state school.

130. Unlike you, Bobbo,

131. Gandhi here is in a healthy relationship.

132. I mean, come on, look, even Jordan lets me

133. keep in touch with women from my past.

134. Give me a pound, my dawg.

135. - He gets me. - Give me a pound, dawg.

136. Does he know you were being sarcastic?

137. - I hope not. - Splendid.

138. Gentlemen, crazy eyes Margo,

139. I've called the brain trust together for one reason.

140. I have to find a way to make blonde doctor mine.

141. Burn down her apartment.

142. I have an idea, but we're gonna need a tugboat.

143. Tugboats and arson. That's all I ever get from you guys.

144. We call this a brain trust, and I'm the one with all the solutions.

145. I saved you from that eagle, Randall.

146. I saved your job, Troy.

147. And, Margo, I found your birth mother.

148. She was a tree person, remember?

149. There's no shame in that.

150. Sorry, guys, but I've had enough.

151. I'm afraid I have to find a new brain trust.

152. Gentlemen...

153. I don't want to appear selfish,

154. but stop what you're doing and focus on me.

155. So, you seeing anyone?

156. I went on a few dates with a guy named Rick,

157. but then he met my mom and it all fell apart.

158. She didn't like him?

159. No. She loved him. They're in Aruba.

160. God, I'd love to get with Molly.

161. Dude, you're pretty horny for a guy who claims

162. to be getting it on a nightly basis.

163. What are you implying?

164. Well, let's just say a little birdie told me

165. that you and Kylie haven't slept together.

166. - Who? - Nurse Birdie.

167. - Well, you haven't. - I trusted you.

168. Dude, it's been a month.

169. Oh, really, Turk? Has it been a month?

170. Because time just flies

171. when you're dry-humping your way

172. through 3 pairs of cords.

173. Look, Kylie hasn't slept with you,

174. so what she's saying is, she doesn't want to be exclusive.

175. Is she dating?

176. She did go to a movie with her brother-in-law.

177. That's perfect.

178. Dude, you can have your cake and eat it, too.

179. It's like me talking with my old girlfriend.

180. It boosts my self-esteem,

181. and I take all of this positive energy back to Carla.

182. Now, this is what you do. You go out with Molly

183. and you have a great time while she's in town,

184. but once she leaves, you go to Kylie

185. and you tell her you want to get your exclusive on.

186. That is the dumbest idea I've ever heard.

187. So once you got the hole in the bottom of the popcorn box,

188. it's basically just a waiting game.

189. And for the record, that technique

190. does not work with hot nachos.

191. You want to get Elliot, you get in good with her best friend.

192. Who's Elliot?

193. - Oh. - Trust me.

194. The way I got my girlfriend in junior high

195. was by getting her best friend to like me.

196. And how'd you do that?

197. Oh, I posed as her dad so she could rent a car.

198. I lost my hair in eighth grade.

199. Tough break five.

200. I'm going in.

201. Um, we should be friends.

202. - Ok. - Do you like vanning?

203. I don't know what that is.

204. It's kind of my thing.

205. It's like taking a long drive in a car

206. only it's in a Van.

207. I'm still not getting it.

208. Can you hold on for one sec?

209. She's an idiot.

210. Turk, I found your cell phone in the parking lot.

211. 4 stories and not a scratch. What are you made of?

212. You got 3 missed phone calls, all from a "Rosanna."

213. Isn't that your ex-girlfriend?

214. So, what's been going on with you?

215. I went to India for 2 weeks.

216. Ladies, this is a hospital, not the junior league.

217. Let's break it up.

218. And, Dr. Clock, I feel as though I've been seeing

219. less and less of you recently.

220. We don't pay you good money to go hide in your office.

221. Let's get out there on the floor.

222. I moved to Milwaukee 4 months ago.

223. Welcome back.

224. This trip to India sounds so exotic.

225. Hey, Kylie, I'm just calling to see how your day is going.

226. And sweat would just be dripping off our naked bodies.

227. Naked sweat drips.

228. - What? - Oh, nothing, Kylie.

229. It's a new band called the naked sweat drips.

230. They have a great song called perfect breasts.

231. And then, I got so flexible,

232. I could put my legs behind my head.

233. J.D., are you there?

234. Oh, Frick on a stick. Look, I gotta get going.

235. I want to hear the rest of the story. Don't forget where we were.

236. Feet up behind her head.

237. Who has their feet behind their head?

238. A patient, Kylie. Horrible car accident.

239. You gotta wear your seat belt,

240. I'm tellin' ya, even around the block.

241. Hey.

242. I'm getting out of here. Do you wanna grab a beer?

243. (J.D.) They say the best laid plans of mice and men

244. often go awry.

245. I can't believe you've been talking to her.

246. Now, honey, is it possible

247. you're making mountains out of molehills?

248. Damn it.

249. (J.D.) Still, sometimes plans go exactly like they're supposed to.

250. - You paged me? - Yeah, look.

251. I made a bet with Dr. Cox that you would go out with me.

252. And if I win, I get his Porsche.

253. (J.D.) And the success of those plans can take

254. even the most hardened men by surprise.

255. Do you mind? I am trying to have a private moment with my man.

256. Oh, God.

257. - I got lipstick on you. - No. Leave it.

258. (J.D.) And sometimes even the best of men can go awry.

259. So are you coming over tonight?

260. (Carla) Hey, J.D.

261. Buddy, you should try that cake I was telling you about.

262. Actually, Kylie, I can't tonight.

263. (J.D.) If having my cake and eating it, too,

264. meant being with Molly then nothing was gonna get between us.

265. Hey, guys, you going out?

266. Yeah, you should come with us!

267. (Molly) That's the close button.

268. No, it's a close button. When someone gets close,

269. it activates a sensor that opens the door.

270. Fancy.

271. (J.D.) Oh, no, she's got a pinkie hold.

272. Elliot's got the finger strength of a rock-climbing jazz pianist.

273. Uhh!

274. You were pressing the wrong button.

275. Aah!

276. I'm so excited. So where are we going?

277. We haven't decided yet!

278. I gotta tell you there, supercuts,

279. I've seen a lot of crazy things at this hospital.

280. I've seen smokers live to be 100, and I've seen tri-athletes come in here

281. and drop dead at 20.

282. I've seen unbridled joy, and I've seen debilitating pain.

283. But I never thought I'd see a jumpsuit-wearing,

284. Van-driving, vomit-cleaning, no-good, confounded,

285. Frankenstein-looking buffoon like you get a girl like Barbie.

286. I'm gonna paint your Porsche mint green

287. so it looks like my Van's baby.

288. (speaking Vietnamese) Not until you get your grades up!

289. Whoa. Rosanna gets her own personal ring tone, but I don't?

290. - Baby, I don't have to answer this. - It's cool.

291. I got the ring that matters, right?

292. Nurse Turkelton, I want to talk to you about these discharge—

293. We can talk later.

294. You need to come get a drink.

295. Yes, I do.

296. (Elliot) Janitor.

297. So, did Dr. Cox pay up?

298. Uh, no. No.

299. He says that he needs to see us on an actual date

300. in a restaurant tonight at 8:00.

301. Ok. Meet me at Stanwyck's?

302. - Sure. - Ok.

303. Sorry, guys, can't go clubbing tonight.

304. Daddy's got a date.

305. Oh, man!

306. I ironed my going-out hair!

307. You know, they make thongs specifically for low-riders now.

308. They don't work for me. I still can't sit down

309. without showing the whole world the crack of my ass.

310. The other night, some guy tried to put a pen in it.

311. (J.D.) Some guy?

312. I never get credit for anything.

313. So, you guys think I'm overreacting

314. about this whole Turk thing?

315. Phone calls from an ex would drive me nuts.

316. (J.D.) I knew how to get rid of both of them, but I can't do that to Turk.

317. (Mr. Peeps) If you don't do it, I will.

318. (J.D.) Mr. Peeps? Why are you British?

319. (Mr. Peeps) I'll explain later. Just lose the extra bitches.

320. Carla. Go talk to Turk.

321. Share with him your feelings.

322. That's what he wants.

323. - Yeah? - Come on.

324. I'll drive you. I gotta go to dinner anyway.

325. (Mr. Peeps) You're welcome.

326. We should probably go, too. It's getting late.

327. Oh, no, no, no. I just ordered 2 drinks.

328. Here they are.

329. Hey, Turk?

330. I promise I will visit you soon.

331. I don't care if I seem crazy.

332. Please stop talking to your ex.

333. Anything for you, you know that.

334. College was weird. I was so worried about being liked

335. that I let my freshman roommate think we were dating for 3 months.

336. We broke up at her sorority formal.

337. Hmm.

338. Oh, nobody could snuggle like Daisy.

339. Didn't you say Dr. Cox was coming at 8:00?

340. Oh, I'm sure he'll be here soon.

341. I kissed a dude once. It was at furnace camp.

342. (J.D.) Ok, J.D., you're a little drunk,

343. and you know what happens when you get drunk.

344. You get handsy. Now control yourself.

345. It's tough making new friends in Milwaukee.

346. (J.D.) I said control yourself!

347. You know, Molly, if people aren't getting to know you,

348. then they're missing out.

349. - Do you think so? - I do.

350. (J.D.) I knew at that moment what would happen

351. if I reached over and brushed the hair out of her eyes.

352. (J.D.) But I didn't do that. I should get going.

353. I'm sorry.

354. Well, well, if it isn't marginally attractive and the beast.

355. How did the Porsche drive?

356. Wait, why did we just go out if you already have his Porsche?

357. Oh, my goodness.

358. He actually tricked you into a date.

359. This is so very delicious and filling, I don't think

360. I'm going to be able to eat the rest of the evening.

361. In fact, I honestly don't think

362. I can have one more bite of your painful humiliation.

363. I find I'm just a little stuffed.

364. I will take my keys to go, though.

365. Yippee!

366. You're unbelievable.

367. You're the only one around here that treats me like a real person.

368. What did you just say?

369. There was one other girl a few years ago.

370. Red-haired doctor.

371. She used to eat lunch with me until the other residents

372. started making fun of her.

373. They called her "Janitor lunch eater."

374. Not the most clever group.

375. Anyway, I know that you don't think about me

376. the way that I think about you, and I never really believed

377. that you would or that you could, but just pretending

378. for today somehow made me feel good for a change.

379. (sighs) I'm sorry.

380. You know what, it's ok.

381. I actually had a good time.

382. (chuckles) Thanks.

383. Elliot.

384. Oh, Kylie, I'm sorry. I hope it's ok that I stopped by.

385. What was that for?

386. I was thinking about how patient

387. you've been with me, how right things feel,

388. and then you showed up, and it feels like fate.

389. Wait, are you saying that you're ready?

390. Awesome.

391. First, let me set the mood.

392. And, Kylie, you're right, it is fate

393. because I was out with this girl tonight

394. that I totally could have had sex with,

395. but it was easy for me to blow her off

396. because I was excited to be with you.

397. Why have you stopped lighting incense?

398. It makes the room smell like Chinese rain.

399. You blew me off tonight to be with some random girl?

400. Well, she's not a random girl.

401. I mean, I had a crush on her long before I met you.

402. (Mr. Peeps) I will kill you.

403. You should go.

404. (J.D. British accent) I was in trouble,

405. and if I didn't play my cards right, I knew what could happen.

406. (J.D.) Unfortunately, that's what did happen.

407. See, that's the thing about trying to have your cake and eating it, too.

408. If you make the slightest mistake,

409. you usually wind up getting neither.

410. We can fix that.

411. Ha, ha, ha, ha!

412. You guys are out. You guys are back in.

413. Where's Margo?

414. She's at a Ludacris Concert with her birth mom.

415. I lose my Van to him, and I lose Margo to gangster rap.

416. Bad day.

417. (J.D.) And, really, who wants to risk something important

418. just for a silly piece of cake?

419. I did it. Cut off all ties with Rosanna. Forever.

420. Baby, that took like 20 seconds. How'd you do that so quickly?

421. It was easy. I just told her I was married.

422. You've been talking to this girl you used to sleep with,

423. and you never told her you were married?

424. She never asked.

425. It's no big deal. Because if you're lucky,

426. maybe you won't be married for much longer.

427. Baby. Baby!