Scrubs 4x18

1. (J.D.) Kylie wanted to take things slowly.

2. So, 17 dates in, I was basically embroiled

3. in the world's longest make-out session.

4. - Too much kissing? - No, no.

5. Come on, I still have a little saliva left.

6. (J.D.) As I felt the onslaught

7. of what can only be described as a vicious tongue cramp,

8. I decided it was time to let Kylie see my favorite dance.

9. The "for God's sake, invite me to stay over" dance.

10. And we all know where that ends.

11. (J.D.) The dance begins with a subtle hint.

12. (yawns) I am so pooped.

13. (J.D.) Step 2: Sashay her into sympathy.

14. - It's chilly out there. - It is cold.

15. (J.D.) Finally, sweep her off her feet with your vulnerable cuteness.

16. You know what I call this weather? Snuggle weather.

17. (J.D.) Tip the band leader and fluff up the pillows,

18. because this dance is done.

19. You should go.

20. Yeah, hit the bricks, bitch. You got no game.

21. Ha, ha, ha!

22. (J.D.) I wasn't the only one having relationship trouble.

23. Lately, Turk and Carla had lost their sizzle.

24. And as a couple, when you reach a roadblock,

25. you can do one of 2 things.

26. Look inward and try and solve your problems together

27. or blame someone else.

28. - You have to move out. - What?

29. Is this about the bra catapult thing?

30. Because if it's that big a deal, I can throw my own water balloons.

31. - I don't need those C-cups. - J.D., we're newlyweds.

32. That's hard enough and when you're around...

33. Tell him, Turk.

34. - You're all up in our space! - What?

35. When have I ever been all up in your space?

36. - This is nice. - Mm-hmm.

37. Sorry about the twosie, guys.

38. Huh. And here I thought that was a lovely evening.

39. Well, we're all adults here, so I guess I'll just bid you guys adieu

40. and gather my things quietly, starting with my cable box.

41. Uhh! Uhh! Whoa!

42. (whistles) Guys, guys, guys.

43. You've all been working here for 2 years.

44. Now why do I have to keep teaching you the same stuff?

45. I want to see you apply light pressure in small circles.

46. Can we take a break?

47. The sun is scorching, and I'm very fair-skinned.

48. You've only been out here for 8 minutes.

49. Whatever.

50. Ah, the intern car wash.

51. Are you saving up so you can finally get

52. those pec implants replaced?

53. Ron is coming to town today. Speaking of which,

54. I need to see you put on something a bit nicer.

55. You know, this whole competition thing

56. that you have happening with your high school buddy,

57. it is very, very boring.

58. You know, like you were the homecoming king,

59. he was the prom king.

60. You went to medical school, he went to business school.

61. You got divorced, he got divorced.

62. Yeah, but he never has to see his wife anymore,

63. so technically he's got me beat on that one.

64. Look, I am not going to let

65. this weekend become about who's a bigger man.

66. Ron's bringing his kid, I can't wait to meet the child.

67. And when he pulls in here in his crappy rent-a-car

68. and he gets one look at my hand-polished Porsche,

69. well, naturally, I'll have the lead.

70. Very exciting.

71. Whoo-hoo! Hey. Hey, guys.

72. I know the chopper seems like a bit much,

73. but there was crazy traffic,

74. so I'm having my assistant drive my rental car over

75. from the airport.

76. Well, it hardly seems worth it now,

77. but what the hell? Ha!

78. So, per, what are you driving these days?

79. - Well, that ol' girl needs a wash. - Thank you, Ron.

80. I can't believe Turk and Carla are kicking me out.

81. When I was 15, my parents threatened

82. to do the same thing, so I called them on it.

83. They let you stay?

84. Nope. I lived with the babcocks for 2 years.

85. I didn't have a lot of rules though

86. because they were really old and they thought I was a ghost.

87. Oh.

88. (J.D.) All right, Carla calls the shots.

89. Appeal to her rational side.

90. Carla, I totally understand you guys need your space,

91. but with work and my financial situation,

92. finding a new place is gonna be minimum, 2-4 years.

93. Come on, Bambi. Aren't there any other married couples

94. that want to live in a small apartment with a 29-year-old man?

95. (J.D.) She called me a man.

96. Ok, time to play the best friend card.

97. Turk, I've always had your back and you always had mine.

98. Are you sure you want to go through with this?

99. It was my idea.

100. - I banged your first girlfriend. - Chantal?

101. Now, look, I need a favor.

102. Let me try it, I'll move out for a week.

103. If you still like it, I'll move out for good.

104. (together) Agreed.

105. All right. And don't worry about John Dorian

106. because I may be poor in pocket, but I'm rich in friends.

107. Elliot, I need to crash at your place for a week. Nope.

108. (J.D.) That's ok, because when god closes a window,

109. he opens a door.

110. I'm just not sure I'm comfortable with you sleeping here.

111. Kylie, I hear you. But trust me, this week is not

112. gonna be about sex.

113. Even though I think we both agree that's where we'd eventually like

114. our relationship to end up, right? So what do you say?

115. It's good to see you, buddy.

116. It is great to see you, I'll tell you that.

117. Looks like we got ourselves in a little walk and hug here.

118. - What say we— - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

119. So look at you, Mr. Big time doctor.

120. How about you, Mr. Big time—

121. - I don't actually know what you do. - I've told you 100 times.

122. I run mergers and acquisitions for a large private equity hedge fund.

123. You've forgotten already, haven't you?

124. No, you do hedge clippings for a big farm.

125. You privately acquire hedgehogs.

126. Oh, come on, you got a hog farm. Give me a break.

127. Tell me this, how's that super sexy mother of yours?

128. You know what, your crush on my mom was cute when we were 14,

129. but the woman's 85 now, you need to back off.

130. Or you can ask her out to dinner.

131. I'll have her pop in her "going out" teeth

132. and you two can see if there's any real spark.

133. - Jordan. - Hi.

134. Will you be joining us for dinner?

135. No way. Every time we go out,

136. the whole night turns into a giant pissing contest.

137. No, it doesn't.

138. First one who tags the dog wins.

139. Count it.

140. I've seen that dog around the neighborhood.

141. - I think we killed its spirit. - Yeah.

142. Look, why don't you bring Nathan over to our place tonight?

143. The kids can play, and we can forget all about this competition crap.

144. - I'd like that. - So would I.

145. Jack is going to kick Nathan's ass at playing.

146. Whoo!

147. How great is it not having J.D. Around, huh?

148. Ha! So great. So great.

149. - Now what? - Well, let's see.

150. Did it on the couch. Did it in the kitchen.

151. - Oh, yes. We did. - Want to do it on J.D.'s bed?

152. I think it's about time someone did.

153. (together) Ha, ha, ha!

154. (whimpers) You don't really want to have more sex, do you?

155. No, I didn't even want to do it in the kitchen.

156. Well, what do we do now?

157. Whenever J.D. and I are bored,

158. we like to play a little game called "toe or finger."

159. Uh-huh.

160. You close your eyes, and I run either

161. a toe or finger underneath your nose

162. and try to guess which one it is, huh?

163. Mm. Mm.

164. Fine. What do you want to do?

165. Usually when J.D. gets off work, we gossip about hospital stuff.

166. Baby, that sounds a little immature.

167. Ok! Then, you know, what the hell are we supposed to do?

168. Hi, guys.

169. Thanks for inviting me over.

170. Thanks for letting us crash here, man.

171. The Todd's not accustomed to receiving gentleman callers.

172. Ok.

173. Oh, cool picture.

174. - Which one of those guys is you? - Oh, I don't swim.

175. So there's only one rule if you're gonna stay at El casa de Todd.

176. You got to hammock up.

177. - Oh, I don't have one of those, Todd. - No problem.

178. What are you, about a medium?

179. - Extra-medium. - This will work.

180. And it'll look good, too.

181. All right, Jack, listen to me.

182. Ron's in the bathroom diapering his kid.

183. When he gets out, it's playtime.

184. And, son, lately your coloring's been sloppy and your Elmo song—

185. well, unfortunately, it's lacked heart.

186. Now you and I, we both know

187. that your super-secret go-to toy are your building blocks.

188. Well, it's time to shine, Jackie Cox.

189. It is time to shine.

190. Earn daddy's love on 3. 1, 2, 3, earn daddy's love.

191. 27 second diaper change.

192. I can change a diaper in 20 seconds.

193. Oh, my God.

194. Say, Ronnie, what say we let the kids play for a while?

195. They could probably play with, oh, I don't know,

196. how about the building blocks

197. that Jack very, very rarely ever even touches?

198. You know, Nathan is actually in the 90th percentile in height.

199. Jack's only in the 85th.

200. Of course, he's in the 99th for head size.

201. Congratulations. Your son's the hamburgler.

202. Head size is directly related to intelligence.

203. Really?

204. (whispers) Jack, get the bucket off.

205. Oh! And Laverne told me that Nurse Tisdale is sleeping

206. with that married albino radiologist.

207. - Oh, I feel so bad for his wife. - Elliot!

208. It's not about empathy, it's about judging people.

209. Can't we do something else?

210. I already said I don't want to play that game, Turk.

211. Ok, you know what, I vote Elliot goes home

212. because all up in our space!

213. Honey, she's in our space.

214. Why? Because I don't want to dish about other people

215. behind their backs or smell your toe?

216. Or finger.

217. All I've seen so far is the toe, Turk!

218. See you tomorrow, guys.

219. Look, Perry, we just have to accept Jack the way he is,

220. love him unconditionally,

221. and enroll him in some sort of block-building class.

222. - Look at these things, Jordan. - Yeah?

223. The color coordination, the symmetry.

224. A 2-year-old shouldn't be able to do this kind of stuff.

225. What are you trying to say?

226. (J.D.) They say just admitting there's a problem

227. is half the battle...

228. Even if it's someone you didn't expect.

229. What is wrong with you guys?

230. We miss J.D.

231. (J.D.) The bottom line is,

232. when the warning signs are right in front of you,

233. there's no denying the truth.

234. Nathan has classic signs of autism.

235. Ron's kid doesn't make eye contact, he barely speaks,

236. and he freaked out when you tried to cuddle him.

237. I mean, hell, if he was an adult,

238. he'd be, well, you know, me.

239. - Mmm. - But those behaviors in a child

240. could point towards autism.

241. I think it's pretty obvious what we have to do.

242. Grit our teeth, get through the weekend,

243. never speak to Ron again?

244. - Exactly. - Mm-hmm.

245. I cannot believe what I just heard!

246. The ticktocking of your biological clock

247. leading you towards the corner of celibate and spinster way?

248. Sometimes it's great to already have a bastard child.

249. You said it.

250. You know, it is our obligation as doctors

251. to tell someone when there is a problem.

252. And I will bring a child into this world

253. when I am good and ready,

254. not when society dictates I must, mmm?

255. Good God, you smell like baby.

256. I've only actually met the child once,

257. so I think it's pretty important that we figure out a way

258. to spend some alone-time with him.

259. Perry, if I'm gonna be spending a lot of time with someone else's child,

260. it's gonna be with our neighbor's 17-year-old.

261. And don't think he hasn't asked. Oh. Pablo.

262. Mmm.

263. Hello? Anybody home?

264. J.D., we're right here.

265. (J.D.) Tell them you want to come back!

266. I just came by to get my toothbrush.

267. Carla took your toothbrush out the bathroom

268. and put it in the hall closet.

269. Finger. Bingo.

270. - We should ask him back. - Baby, no.

271. We're too proud. We are the proud Turks.

272. Hey, guys, the heater's broken again.

273. What happened?

274. (J.D.) I clubbed it with a mag light.

275. I can probably stay and fix it. It could take 3, 4, 5 days.

276. I did a triple bypass yesterday. I think I could fix the heater.

277. Suit yourself.

278. Bye, trumpet player I don't know.

279. Now I understand why your music is so sad.

280. So I hear you're homeless.

281. I wanna volunteer, give you a place to stay.

282. I don't think so, buddy.

283. Listen, crash in my garage.

284. I guarantee you there will not be another person in there.

285. You're gonna slather jam on my face

286. and sic a family of raccoons on me, aren't you?

287. - Damn it. I've become predictable. - I'm out.

288. Oh, yeah? Well, from what I hear I'm your last option.

289. Options? I got cable TV and a dead dog.

290. I got plenty of options.

291. Come on in. I've got a huge king bed.

292. It'll be nice to have a buffer between me and my mom.

293. Sorry, bro. We're a little crowded tonight.

294. - Lonnie, you have 3 kids? - That I know of.

295. Yeah?

296. - Does Doug Murphy live here? - The pathologist?

297. - Yeah. - No. He moved out. Excuse me.

298. - I gotta go change somebody's life. - Ok...

299. But, Mr. McMahon, would you mind—

300. (Mr. McMahon) Hi-oh!

301. You are correct, sir!

302. So, why do you wanna baby-sit my kid?

303. You think I can't handle my own kid?

304. No, that's not it at all.

305. I think you're great with your kid.

306. You're fantastic with your kid.

307. In fact, if you want, you can baby-sit my kid.

308. Are we really doing this?

309. 'Cause I'll baby-sit the hell out of your kid.

310. - Oh, bring it on, daddy. - Who needs a baby-sitter?

311. I'll do it! You don't even have to pay me in cash. Just pay me in hot showers.

312. And you don't have to, like, wash me, unless you want to,

313. but that could be weird, I don't know.

314. Newbie, I've got this one covered.

315. Come on, you two are interracial best buddies.

316. I, too, have a black best friend.

317. Go out. Enjoy it. Celebrate your uniqueness. I can do it!

318. I'm sorry. Did you just call me black?

319. Because the last time I checked,

320. the correct term was African-American.

321. Well, Turk lets me call him brown bear.

322. - Who the hell is Turk? - I should go.

323. Angry black man.

324. (chuckles) It never disappoints.

325. I pull it out when I need to. (chuckles)

326. Well, what do you say?

327. Well, I do have a lot of work to get done.

328. You can watch Nate.

329. You got it.

330. (J.D.) Sometimes the worst thing is getting exactly what you want.

331. Nathan? Look at me.

332. Nathan.

333. Damn it.

334. - Baby? - Hmm?

335. Could you get me a towel so I could wipe this sweat from my head?

336. They're all dirty, ok?

337. - J.D. used to wash them. - It's so hot!

338. When the hell is he gonna finish fixing the heater?

339. It's ok. He's a professional. I'm sure he's almost done.

340. This... Should not have been removed.

341. Todd made you wear a banana hammock to bed?

342. It was horrible. I kept imagining I was an Olympic diver.

343. Well, it means a lot to me that you would go through all that

344. just to respect my boundaries.

345. Thanks, Kylie. I can just sleep on the couch.

346. You don't have to crash on the couch.

347. Mmm.

348. Aah!

349. Well, Dr. Dorian, are you gonna join me?

350. (J.D.) I couldn't have planned it better.

351. J.D.!

352. We're sorry. The door was unlocked,

353. and we knew you'd be here.

354. - We want you back. - I don't want to come home.

355. It took me a month to get here from the couch.

356. Uh, J.D., maybe you should go home.

357. (J.D.) Get the moment back! Say something hot!

358. Perhaps we could invite Turk and Carla to join us on the bed.

359. I'll go.

360. I think it is so great that you're gonna talk to your friend.

361. And I know it's gonna be hard, so if you need me,

362. you just say the word, and I will jump right in.

363. I need to talk to you about Nathan.

364. - That little guy's my life. - I've gotta go.

365. What's up?

366. Ron, there is no easy way to do this,

367. so I'm just gonna go ahead and say it.

368. I think Nathan is autistic.

369. And that's the real reason that I wanted to spend time with him today.

370. This is. this is unbelievable.

371. I know, but the good news here is that we found out early,

372. so you can be as proactive as you—

373. No, no, no. You are unbelievable.

374. (chuckles) I mean, you can't handle the fact that my kid

375. is better than your kid at building blocks,

376. so you tell me there's something wrong with him?

377. You know what, uh...

378. Why don't you just get the hell out of here, hmm?

379. That's just not gonna happen. No way.

380. (J.D.) At first I was a little disappointed

381. that I wasn't sleeping at Kylie's, but it was good to be home.

382. I'm home! Hello, fridge.

383. Good to see ya, lamp. Here I come, couch!

384. - Oof! - (thud)

385. You guys moved couch?

386. (J.D.) It's always nice to let your friends know

387. that you appreciate them.

388. I'm glad you're home, buddy.

389. I missed you, my African-American friend.

390. - Call me brown bear. - Brown bear.

391. This, uh...

392. Is a classmate of mine from medical school.

393. He's located up in your area now.

394. I think he'd really be able to help you.

395. (J.D.) But sometimes you just can't quite find words

396. to show that appreciation.

397. You know, uh... I just wanna say that, uh,

398. I'm gonna handle this kid situation so much better than you ever could.

399. (laughs) Oh, give me a break.

400. I would kick your ass in situation-handling.

401. I'm a doctor, for God sakes.

402. And for the record,

403. the Vegas odds-makers are makin' coxy a heavy favorite.

404. Well, then, I would just bet on me and make a bundle.

405. You know what? I probably would, too.

406. Aha!

407. Behold, the twinkie from the first day we moved in.

408. I owe you an apology, Turk. Splitsies?

409. Of course.

410. - (chuckles) Want some? - No.

411. Ok, fine. More for me.

412. So, Bambi, what's the deal with all the things you do around here?

413. What do you mean?

414. The laundry, the fixing the radiator,

415. the listening to me gossip, and playing stupid games with Turk.

416. How do you make yourself do all that stuff?

417. (J.D.) At the end of the day, the best thing to do for your friends

418. is to be honest.

419. I don't know. I never really thought about it.

420. I guess when you care about someone,

421. you'll do whatever you can to make 'em happy.

422. You know, it's funny.

423. You guys couldn't go one week alone with each other

424. without needing J. Dizzle around.

425. What is up with that?

426. (J.D.) You just have to hope that your honesty

427. doesn't make them realize something they didn't wanna know.

428. - We're in trouble, aren't we? - Yeah.