Scrubs 4x17

Directed by Adam Bernstein

Ken Lerner as Mr. James • Chrystee Pharris as Kylie • Clay Aiken as Kenny • Jeremy Howard as Fat Frank • Deonte Gordon as Figsack

When J.D. meets a former writer from his all time favorite TV show "Cheers," he begins to picture his life at the hospital as a bland, multiple camera sitcom, where everything is perfect and wraps up nicely. Back in reality, Cox is relunctant to fire an amiable cafeteria worker, while Turk and Carla struggle to keep their promise of constant romantic affection afloat.

Request examples:

!req Scrubs 4x17 [02:32]
!req Scrubs 4x17 [Scrubs 4x17]
Syntax: !req EPISODE [quote or timestamp] (max. 8 square brackets)

For quotes, now you can request by index (e.g !req Scrubs 4x17 [10-11]; !req Scrubs 4x17 [20] [24]). Keep in mind, though, that index numbers might change at any time.
You can also generate a copy command with the quotes. Hover the desired subtitle and enter the amount of lines you want to copy.

Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. (J.D.) Things were amazing with Kylie,

2. but before I could get more emotionally invested,

3. I needed answers to some questions

4. that were very important to me.

5. Name 3 spin-offs of the sitcom happy days.

6. Mork and Mindy, Laverne and Shirley, and Joanie loves Chachi.

7. You marry her. You marry her now. You marry her!

8. Ok, ok! We passed section one

9. "Sitcoms about or involving Asian-American diner owners."

10. Now onto section 2: "Fat, tubby TV husbands

11. and the crazy-hot women

12. that would never actually be married to them."

13. Hey, we're missing Sanford and Son.

14. - What? - Yes!

15. (J.D.) Turk was freaked out because Carla never joins us

16. on Sanford and Son night or Cheers night.

17. I think it was because

18. she was feeling a little romantically competitive with Kylie and me.

19. - Woman, woman! - Mmm?

20. I am not a lollipop!

21. (J.D.) Carla certainly tried to be as adorable as us.

22. Oh! Darn it! You won.

23. (J.D.) Unfortunately, Turk wasn't on the same wavelength.

24. Do you see what you get, Carla?

25. Do you see what you get when you mess with the warrior?

26. Yes! 10 to 9!

27. - Hi. - Hi.

28. - Bye. - Bye.

29. Kylie's in class all day, and she bartends at night,

30. and I'm still pulling 16-hour shifts,

31. so we try to make sure we kiss at least once a day.

32. Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays,

33. she takes a cab over here.

34. Tuesdays and Thursdays...

35. Honey...

36. I haven't fuffied in bed in, like, a week.

37. (Woman on TV) With 27 deaths so far,

38. this strain of E. Coli from tainted meat is quite serious.

39. So if you're a big meat-eater, be careful.

40. (J.D.) The reason we were upset was that every time the media

41. reports on some weird health crisis,

42. everyone who sees it thinks they have it.

43. Oh, not so bad. It's only a few people here.

44. Ok, ok, everybody just shut up!

45. Ahem. Ahem.

46. Thank you. Now, who's first?

47. (J.D.) Of course there's always one positive

48. when something like this happens...

49. Whoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

50. I love medicine!

51. Whoa. Grandma, that's my no-fly zone.

52. Whoo. (chuckles)

53. Uh, Dr. Cox! We're having a bit of a crisis here.

54. Ah, I see that. It seems you two have worn the same outfit.

55. And, Barbie, if it's of any consolation,

56. it looks slightly better on you.

57. No, I'm talking about all the... (laughs)

58. - Thank you. - Sure.

59. What the hell are we supposed to do?

60. Loretta, relax. I've been involved

61. in every ridiculous TV-induced panic there is.

62. Poison pills, SARS, West Nile, north face, south fork, east river,

63. monkey pox, pop rocks, toilet snakes, mad cow, bird flu, swine flu,

64. and, quite frankly, every other flu that you could really only catch

65. if you actually fornicate with the animal it's named for.

66. And as a parting gift, I will tell you this.

67. Narrow it down to 2 symptoms

68. Vomiting and diarrhea, because it's just not E. Coli

69. unless it's firing out both exits.

70. Sure hope I don't have dog flu.

71. Well, Mr. Bernstein, do you have vomiting and diarrhea?

72. - No. - No.

73. - No. - No.

74. - No. - No.

75. - No. - Ok, then, Mr. James, you're free.

76. Wait a second. Charles James?

77. I was watching the Cheers DVD the other night.

78. - Are you Charles James the writer? - Yeah, that's me.

79. (J.D.) Just stay calm.

80. Uh, Elliot, I need to take this gentleman upstairs

81. for some more tests.

82. - J.D., don't leave me here. - This is very important!

83. He may even need a surgical consult.

84. - Norm! - Norm!

85. Yeah, I get it.

86. - Aah! (laughing) - (laughing)

87. Whoa! What are you doing? No tongue before 10:00.

88. Baby, if J.D. and Kylie can make time

89. for that stupid appointment kiss once a day,

90. we should be able to do it twice a day.

91. - Love is not a competition. - Ok.

92. Make it 3 times.

93. - All right. I'll see you at noon? - Noon.

94. You, youngsters. If there is one thing I have learned,

95. it's that you can't schedule love.

96. I think your credit card statement would beg to differ.

97. Ok, listen up, everyone, for budgetary reasons,

98. we are turning the bathrooms on even-numbered floors

99. into patient rooms.

100. To sum up Floors 2 and 4 are no longer for 1 or 2.

101. Actually, there's still a bathroom on 2,

102. but then my joke wouldn't have worked.

103. Well?

104. I'm sorry. Would you please repeat the question?

105. Are you just gonna roll over like that?

106. That's weird. I asked him the same thing last night.

107. Where's the outrage, the anger, the hate?

108. - Again, last night. - You've gone soft.

109. (Gasps) Ok, now it's getting spooky.

110. Look, you're the only one who can stand up to Kelso.

111. Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present,

112. Man not caring.

113. Ok, Jordan, little help.

114. If you don't do what she wants, I'm going to stop having sex with you

115. and start making love.

116. (whispering) Love you.

117. Where is that bastard? Kelso?

118. - My wife's name's Carla. - Yeah.

119. Yeah! Like Carla from the show. Just like it.

120. Wow. I've never actually met anyone

121. who had the same name as a character on the show.

122. - Really? - Really?

123. No.

124. - Well, that's understandable. - Yeah.

125. - I mean, there's a lot of sams. - Excuse me, J.D. Ahem!

126. I just spent the last 3 hours interviewing 212 hypochondriacs,

127. half of whom don't speak any English.

128. Do you have any idea how embarrassing it is to mime diarrhea?

129. Talk about your dianes! (laughs)

130. Oh! Damn! It's kiss time!

131. Ahh. (chuckles) Baby.

132. Aah!

133. Baby? Come here, girl.

134. Right here. That's where I want it.

135. I want it right there. Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah.

136. - Where have you been? - I was up at—

137. - I gotta go. - Gotta go.

138. Bob. Bob.

139. - Sorry, Madge. - What do you want, Perry?

140. Enough with the stinkin' budget cuts already.

141. Noted. Now, if you will excuse me,

142. - I have to fire someone. - Oh, baloney, old man!

143. I have to cut $27,000 from the cafeteria budget,

144. and my idea of getting it all back

145. by charging 100 bucks for a piece of cake went right out the window

146. when fat frank decided to go on that power diet.

147. I lost over 230 pounds so far.

148. I don't know why he keeps wearing those pants.

149. All right. Fair enough.

150. Now I got your little budget reports.

151. - You don't know who to fire, do ya? - Fine. Keep 'em. You do it.

152. Watch and learn. I'll do it,

153. and I'll do it without firing a single person.

154. I have to fire someone.

155. I can't believe you left me all alone for a stupid TV writer!

156. Oh, like that is any different

157. from the time you spent all night hanging out

158. with your favorite weatherman from channel 4.

159. The man had a massive heart attack.

160. I was nothing but professional.

161. Ok, he's stable! Just take the picture, Carla!

162. What do you want me to do?

163. I want you to go in there and tell Mr. James

164. that there's absolutely no reason for him to be up here.

165. Mr. James, how long have you had that cough?

166. Oh, a couple months now.

167. Am I wrong, Elliot,

168. or is that the kind of cough that needs a chest X-ray?

169. - Probably. - Thank you.

170. - Hey, yo, Turk! - What's up?

171. I got a break. You wanna play some ball?

172. Definitely.

173. Baby. Yeah, I'm not gonna be able to make our next appointment kiss.

174. I'm swamped, too. Yeah.

175. Right now I'm helping Dr. Schwartz reset a patient's leg.

176. (crunch) Oh.

177. I think you got it, Dr. Schwartz.

178. (gasps) You're a liar!

179. Oh, for God's sake, Perry, adjust your bra, man up,

180. and fire the one with the least pathetic story.

181. Do you really think I know any of these people's stories?

182. Well, let me fill you in.

183. First we have Hank. 4 kids.

184. Trying to make it on a dishwasher's salary.

185. Next to him is Mike.

186. Lost half his leg in a motorcycle accident.

187. And then there's Judy. Been here 30 years.

188. Just 2 away from retirement.

189. You're friends with all these people?

190. Are you kidding me? I read their files.

191. I read everybody's files...

192. Ms. Manic-depressive, Dr. Drinks-a-lot.

193. - Hold your horses! - Mmm.

194. Just tell me who the last person hired was, would you, please?

195. Looks like you folks could use a little refresher.

196. (laughs) Servin' people like you who save lives every day

197. makes me happier than a kitten chasin' a leaky cow.

198. (laughs) God bless ya, huh?

199. (whispers) God bless ya.

200. - I have to fire Opie, don't I? - Ya think?

201. Right.

202. Metastatic lung cancer?

203. How was he even walking around with this?

204. At worst, I thought maybe he had a bad case of bronchitis.

205. This is gonna suck.

206. Why'd they move me up here?

207. Uh, Mr. James, I'm not quite sure how to say this,

208. but you have lung cancer.

209. (J.D.) It was strange telling Mr. James he may only have a few weeks to live

210. when just a few short hours ago, we all thought he was fine.

211. It made me realize something.

212. Whether it was giving bad news to a patient...

213. Or realizing your relationship

214. may not be as stable as you thought.

215. We couldn't even make it one day.

216. (J.D.) Or having to do someone else's dirty work for them...

217. Say, Kenny? Can I talk to you for a second?

218. (J.D.) There are moments when we all wish life was more like a sitcom.

219. - I'm so sorry. - I'm sorry, too, sir.

220. Well, the good news is I won't have to eat

221. - my wife's cooking anymore, right? - (both laughing)

222. (announcer) J.D.'s sitcom fantasy

223. will be back after these messages.

224. (announcer) J.D.'s sitcom fantasy

225. is filmed in front of a live studio audience.

226. It's weird. There's just so many things

227. I never got to do in my life,

228. like go to a carnival or take a ride in a hot-air balloon.

229. We can do all that.

230. We are gonna give you the best day ever.

231. Elliot, a word?

232. A hot-air balloon seems kind of dangerous.

233. I mean, he could get hurt.

234. (snorts) What's he gonna do,

235. bruise one of his giant malignant tumors?

236. Safety is always important, Elliot.

237. Oh, my God.

238. You're afraid of balloon rides, aren't you?

239. It's floating wicker propelled by fire!

240. Beside, I defy you to find one other thing that I'm afraid of.

241. It's moppin' time.

242. There he is.

243. Yes, it's mopping time, my friend,

244. and as you know, I always like to start

245. in the exact spot you're standing.

246. Let's get to work.

247. Here we go.

248. Is that my new sweater?

249. No. This is my new sweater mop.

250. It went dynamite with my beige cords.

251. You mean my beige cord sponge?

252. You wanted to see me?

253. Hell, yeah, I wanted to see you. I wanted to tell you that I—

254. I think you're doin' a great job.

255. Boy, that meatloaf today was, it was virtually hairless.

256. I took off the gloves and...

257. It makes the hair a lot easier to pick out.

258. (canned laughter) Get out of here.

259. Perry, why the hell is he still here?

260. When I go back down to the cafeteria,

261. there had better be only 3 workers there.

262. Unless Margaret spits out another kid.

263. That woman's like a catholic bunny.

264. Get it done.

265. Why? Why am I having such a hard time with this?

266. Because apparently you have girl parts.

267. Kelso said that if we can cover his salary in the budget

268. that Kenny can stay.

269. But where are we gonna come up with $26,372?

270. I— (banging)

271. You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?

272. (laughs) Yeah.

273. That, ohh! That we invite muscles here

274. to hang a banner in our bedroom

275. that says "It takes 3 to party"?

276. All right. (whistles) Knuckleheads.

277. I need one of you to win this talent show.

278. I can do Shakespeare in German!

279. In college, I double-majored in theater and classic languages.

280. Does that degree come with headgear and allergies?

281. Let's take a look at our other options. Gandhi...

282. You appear to be a man who is utterly without talent,

283. unless of course you wanna count the fact

284. that you are the 20th-best basketball player

285. in a predominantly white hospital.

286. Jordan, your only skill is illegal in 26 states.

287. It's 27. Arkansas buckled.

288. Carla...

289. That makes you my girl.

290. Hell, we could crank up the humidity and watch your hair explode.

291. That'd be terrific.

292. Which leaves me and... Unless all of you wanna see me

293. turn a 2-syllable word into a 6-syllable word,

294. I rehe-rehe-rehe-ally think...

295. That we should keep looking.

296. Newbie! I almost forgot about you.

297. You know what? Save your breath.

298. I'm about to get in a hot-air balloon

299. and get evil knievel on my own ass.

300. Come on, Elliot.

301. Let's go French-kiss the sun.

302. You know, you're wrong about Turk.

303. He has many, many talents.

304. Yeah, he's really good at not finding 5 seconds to kiss his wife.

305. Wow! That's interesting because you're really good at that, too.

306. - Oh, really? - Really.

307. - Really? - Really!

308. Because at least I can remember

309. how long we've been married or what our song is.

310. I don't know the name of it, but I know it goes like this

311. Are you humming the Let's All Go To The Movies song?

312. Is that not our song?

313. It's sung by hot dogs.

314. What an amazing day!

315. A balloon ride, lunch by the beach, and my first carnival.

316. Yeah. Sorry you missed out on getting your face painted.

317. Well, they only had time to paint one more face,

318. so I let the kid behind me go to make him stop crying.

319. That was awesome!

320. Spider-girl...

321. All right, talent show's about to start.

322. Talent show? I'd love to see it,

323. but I'm too tired to get out of bed.

324. That sucks for you!

325. I'm just kidding! We're gonna do it right here!

326. O Romeo, Romeo, warum bist du Romeo?

327. Gesundheit.

328. Hey, I'm wonderin', what's the story with steel wool?

329. I mean, is it steel, or is it wool?

330. Make up your mind, steel wool.

331. Are there iron sheep hoppin' around Scotland?

332. Oh, brother.

333. Look, I...

334. Either start laughing or I start unplugging your machines.

335. (deep voice) And if any of you cows, goats,

336. or ducks have any questions,

337. don't be afraid to ask me.

338. I'm just like all of you, only giant and human.

339. Thank you. I hope you enjoyed our production

340. of World's most giant doctor goes to the farm.

341. So, what did we end up going with?

342. Oh, you went with the farm idea.

343. Oh, my God, we're doomed.

344. Ok, Perry, that's it. It's over.

345. The only act left to see is you firing that guy.

346. Wait, wait. There's one more contestant.

347. Oh, no. Is that Kenny?

348. Hi. I'm Kenny.

349. Yeah, it is.

350. Hey, that, that's our song.

351. I know. I told him to sing it.

352. All right, now, Bobbo, you give it to him.

353. - You know he deserves it. - The winner.

354. - (all clap and whistle) - Thatta boy!

355. Uh, Turk and I are gonna go home and spend some time together.

356. (playfully) Some good time.

357. And by good time, she means bumpin' uglies.

358. That's what I'm sayin'.

359. Well, I hope you had a good day, Mr. James.

360. (laughs) Wait a second!

361. This chart isn't for Charles James.

362. It's for James Charles.

363. He's the one who has cancer, not you.

364. And who cares about him? He's anti-Semitic!

365. Exactly. (canned laughter)

366. Well, that's a load off my mind.

367. Hey, everybody!

368. Thanks for coming so quickly.

369. You know, this is the kind of thing I normally say out loud in my head,

370. but since we're all here...

371. It just seems like in the end,

372. everything always works out because as long as we—

373. Mr. James?

374. Mr. James, can you hear me?

375. He's apneic! We need an airway! Call anesthesia!

376. - This isn't right. - We're gonna intubate.

377. Hang some dopamine, wide open!

378. I need an E.T. Tube. Where's anesthesia?

379. (J.D.) Unfortunately, around here things don't always end

380. as neat and tidy as they do in sitcoms.

381. Relationships aren't always magically fixed in 30 minutes.

382. You have to work on them.

383. Problems don't always have easy solutions.

384. Hey, Kenny, once again, I'm— I'm real sorry.

385. Welcome to my world.

386. Now imagine going home to my wife.

387. (J.D.) And around here, nice people don't always get better.

388. And at times like that,

389. it's comforting to know there's always one thing

390. that can pick your spirits up.