Scrubs 4x16

Directed by Michael Spiller

Sam Lloyd as Ted Buckland • Robert Maschio as Todd • Aloma Wright as Laverne Roberts • Loren Lester as Vet • Chrystee Pharris as Kylie

J.D. tries to impress Kylie by paying a hobo in the hospital to fake a heart attack, when everything becomes boring due to a quarantine that he caused. Turk learns, that Carla dated Cox and gets mad at her for not telling him. The Janitor makes a bet with Dr. Kelso, who is starving, that will make him pay $700, unless the Janitor is able to get a "face cake," in order to satisfy him, from Laverne. Also, Danni Sullivan returns to annoy everyone, causing a constant fight between Ted and Doug.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. (J.D.) Before I settled on the outfit

2. for my first date with Kylie, I had to run it by the experts.

3. So be honest but not too honest, 'cause I'm feeling a little chunky.

4. We like it.

5. Oh, thank God. I could have sworn I heard the word jowly.

6. So, uh... Ha. How many outfits did you try on

7. before you picked that one?

8. Not too many.

9. You know, on a first date, I could see what a guy was wearing

10. and know exactly how far he was gonna get that night.

11. Oh, me, too. And that guy's gettin' boobies. Yeah, he is.

12. Whoa! That guy's gettin' a hug at the door.

13. And that guy is getting a fake name and a phone number with 6 digits.

14. I know how ridiculous this looks.

15. I don't think you do.

16. But the entire ensemble works together,

17. and the jacket never comes off.

18. Now, Carla, I need the keys to the mini-convertible, ok?

19. Because that girl is not getting on my scooter.

20. - The top won't go up. - It'll be awesome.

21. Sorry about your hair.

22. Don't beat yourself up. I got a Scrunchie.

23. There! Ha ha!

24. What the hell was that?

25. It's a poor little possum!

26. We should take him to the vet.

27. (J.D.) It was Sophie's choice—

28. Either heartlessly leave the possum there to die

29. or wrap that little guy up in my sports coat

30. and reveal the short-sleeved nerd Jersey that lurked beneath.

31. Careful. His little hoof is bleeding on the gear shift.

32. Oh. Sorry.

33. This thing's dead. That'll be $120.

34. (J.D.) $120 for a stupid dead rat?

35. I think it's so sweet

36. that you're depressed about that poor little possum.

37. I'll always remember him. Little Carlton.

38. I named him after my uncle. He had red eyes.

39. Allergic to preserves, but he spread 'em on everything, you know?

40. Anyway, we only lost about a half hour.

41. We can still make that reservation.

42. Oh, there's possums everywhere!

43. No, no, no. It's just a box.

44. (man 1) Ow!

45. A talking box.

46. I think your shirt stopped the bleeding.

47. Great!

48. Happy birthday, Laverne.

49. Thanks, Carla.

50. Did your brother make you face cake?

51. Sure did!

52. (Carla) Wow!

53. Can I have a piece of that face cake?

54. I heard there was face cake.

55. - Face cake! I heard— - Back off!

56. I'm saving this for my party tonight.

57. Outstanding.

58. Nurse, do me a favor, please. Bandage this gentleman up?

59. (J.D.) I think they sensed that my first date wasn't going perfectly,

60. and even though I could smell face cake in the air,

61. it was about to get worse.

62. Dr. Dorkian, I presume?

63. (J.D.) The ex-girlfriend from hell.

64. Get out! Get out before she sprays her toxic stink

65. all over your new relationship.

66. Danni, love to stay and talk,

67. but I'm giving Kylie here a tour of the ICU.

68. Hey, hey, you were gonna take me back to the underpass!

69. After the tour! What is it with you and the underpass?

70. She's your nightmare sister. You take her out to dinner.

71. I spent the whole day with her. She stole a sweater.

72. So what? You're the one wearing it. Now, let's go eat.

73. I've had nothing all day except vodka and olives.

74. Thanks for the shirt, Lonnie.

75. Are you doing this because I forgot to shave this morning?

76. (J.D.) Good lord! That's a one-day moustache?

77. No, Lonnie.

78. It's so great, because the residents are practically our slaves.

79. (J.D.) Ah! I just said slaves to my new black girlfriend!

80. Unfreeze J.D. It's over.

81. (whispering) So, uh...

82. - What's wrong with this guy? - Well, let's see.

83. "Fatigue, fever, malaise."

84. - Have you been to Hong Kong, sir? - Yeah.

85. (J.D.) And then I said something stupid.

86. Could be SARS.

87. (J.D.) I forgot that if any doctor suspects SARS,

88. it's cause for immediate quarantine lockdown.

89. What have you done, newbie?

90. Quarantines, anyone?

91. Mr. Donaldson hasn't been to Hong Kong in 20 years,

92. so I bet my one remaining testicle no one has SARS.

93. Unfortunately, by hospital policy, we have to stay locked down

94. until the labs come back, and that's going to take several hours.

95. So let's hang in there and not forget this is all Dr. Dorian's fault.

96. Kylie, angry mob. Angry mob, Kylie.

97. - Hey. - Hey.

98. SARS sucks.

99. Ok. You can direct any technical questions

100. to my former sister-in-law.

101. - Hi. - Hi.

102. Otherwise, let's bear in mind that we are short-handed.

103. There are only 4 doctors here.

104. I counted more than that.

105. I'm talking legitimate doctors, turtle head.

106. Pee pants is a pathologist, so he doesn't count.

107. Johnson is a dermatologist which is Greek for "fake doctor,"

108. and please don't even get me started on you 4 surgeons.

109. There's only 2 of us.

110. You are so very useless, I counted you both twice.

111. Yeah, you did. Tch, tch.

112. So be honest. Is this the worst first date you've ever been on or what?

113. I don't know. I think it's kind of exciting...

114. Being in a hospital, getting to see you in action.

115. I just wish I could be your assistant.

116. - Say no more. Lonnie shirt. - No!

117. Don't make me say pants. I'll do it.

118. Still tanning, I see.

119. - He's your bitch, isn't he? - Yeah.

120. That is so cute! I'll go change.

121. So, Kylie looks like she's having fun.

122. It's a front. She's miserable.

123. So far, the highlight of the night's been putting a possum to sleep,

124. and that's not a euphemism.

125. J.D., seeing a young doctor do his job

126. is an amazing turn-on for a girl.

127. My dad's a doctor and I remember how excited I was

128. the first time I saw him work at the hospital.

129. I mean, I didn't want to sleep with him,

130. but there were definitely some complicated feelings.

131. But that's totally normal for an 11-year-old, right?

132. Anyway, yeah. I forgot—

133. - So what first, doctor? - Well, you need a chart.

134. Lonnie chart!

135. You look ridiculous.

136. (J.D.) Except for that glorious moustache.

137. Hey, grouchy pants. Do you wanna hang out?

138. Does "hang out" mean choke you?

139. Hey, Danni, what's Shakin'?

140. Turk and Carla's wedding, we made out.

141. So did we.

142. Was it at the same time?

143. 'Cause I have a habit of doing that at people's weddings.

144. Leaving. Good show, fellows.

145. Wait for me, per-per!

146. Smooth maneuver, hoover. You scared her off.

147. You were the one who was embarrassingly forward!

148. I'm bored. I'm a surgeon, and there's no surgery.

149. Why do you think I brought you in here?

150. We're short-handed. Mr. Dempsey needs his bedsores redressed.

151. Baby, that's nurse stuff. I don't have the expertise.

152. - Turk, any idiot can be a nurse. - I know. I just think—

153. I knew you thought that. I knew it!

154. You tricked me.

155. - Say she's mine, Murphy! - Not till you kill me!

156. The only thing I detest more than treating patients

157. is treating patients on an empty stomach. I'm famished.

158. We've been in here for 8 minutes.

159. I haven't eaten since yesterday.

160. I've been starving myself

161. because I was going to a steakhouse tonight.

162. It was just gonna be me, a 24-ounce porterhouse,

163. and a fistful of blood thinners.

164. That's an incredibly boring story with a fantastic...

165. Finish!

166. Hee, hee, hey, hey!

167. 5 bucks says you can't do that twice.

168. You're on.

169. Double or nothin'.

170. So how's it going with Kylie?

171. (J.D.) There was nothing exciting going on.

172. This sucks. I need to look like a stud,

173. and a doctor can't look like a stud unless he's saving somebody's life.

174. I need someone to have a heart attack.

175. Got 20 bucks?

176. So Nurse Ghandirilla, I need you to suction this guy,

177. do a wet-to-dry dressing change,

178. and, oh, what the hell, go ahead and top him off

179. with one of your special, special sponge baths,

180. happy ending optional. his choice, not yours.

181. - The guy's in a coma. - Not all of him.

182. Not here. Not here. Not here. Not here.

183. - Danni! - Hi!

184. Oh, good! You're here.

185. Seeing as we're amigos now,

186. I was wondering if you could do me a solid.

187. This bald, sad clown isn't really much of a nurse,

188. so could you go ahead and keep an eye on him for me?

189. Yeah, sure. I'd love to.

190. Hey, didn't I go to your wedding?

191. Yeah. You threw up on my gran-gran.

192. Hey! You can't get inside my head.

193. Hey, mentally strong!

194. You can't smoke in here.

195. I don't see any signs.

196. So how much does he owe me, Barbarino?

197. 600 so far.

198. Damn it, man. You cannot afford this.

199. Stop. Stop. Stop.

200. Come on, Steve. Stay with me, buddy!

201. You're not gettin' this one yet, lord!

202. Could you make your face a little bit redder, buddy? Come on.

203. - I want more money. - What?

204. 50 bucks, or I tell the girl.

205. - I don't have it! - Get it!

206. Elliot, I need another doctor over here, stat!

207. - Gimme $30. - I gave you 20. I'm tapped!

208. Ask Johnson. He's loaded.

209. I need a dermatologist over here, stat!

210. Oh, yeah! Time to shine.

211. What do you need? Is it a rash?

212. Look, I paid this guy to fake a heart attack.

213. He wants 50 bucks. We only have 20.

214. You know, I feel like you guys just use me for my money.

215. You have a trust fund! Now give me the money!

216. Ehh!

217. - Clear! - I'm alive!

218. J.D., one. Lord, zero.

219. (J.D.) Just like that, love was in the air.

220. It was as if our first date

221. got other people talking about some of theirs.

222. I had this one first date where the guy took me to play paintball.

223. All he does the whole time is shoot me in the face.

224. After 2 years with that guy, I'm like, "that's enough!" You know?

225. Ha, ha! First dates, huh?

226. Somebody give me 700 bucks.

227. I went out with this girl. She was like the worst first date ever.

228. I take her for a romantic ferry ride,

229. and for some reason, I decide to take it out.

230. Ok. Your turn is done.

231. The worst first date I ever had was with this guy

232. who took me to this dump of a pizza parlor, right?

233. You know what? Really don't wanna hear about this one. Ok!

234. And she didn't like the pizza I ordered

235. because it had anchovies on it. You believe that?

236. (Carla) It had anchovies.

237. - And pineapples. - And pineapples?

238. (Dr. Cox) And red peppers.

239. And green peppers. Oh...

240. - Wait, red peppers. - No!

241. (J.D.) I could hear the pain in my best friend's voice,

242. and I could feel how little I cared...

243. Because by the way Kylie was looking at me,

244. I knew she thought I was sexy.

245. You know something? Seeing you in your element today,

246. you seem so...

247. (J.D.) Here it comes...

248. - Sexy. - Genuine.

249. (J.D.) She would have said sexy if I had a moustache.

250. You know, James lied all the time, and I don't know...

251. It's just nice to be with a guy I can trust.

252. Cool.

253. (J.D.) Oh, no.

254. I don't deserve this. Bbblllbbbb!

255. I'm no better than her lying ex-boyfriend.

256. I paid a hobo to fake a heart attack.

257. So you just tell her the truth,

258. she's mad at you for a little while, then she forgives ya.

259. I see what you're saying. There's no downside.

260. Kylie...

261. - You dated the devil. - Turk—

262. - And you lied to me. - No, uh-uh! No.

263. You never asked me if I dated Dr. Cox.

264. You can ask me anything. I would never lie to you.

265. Do you sometimes wish I had hair?

266. Yes.

267. It's a nightmare. I'm standing here living in a nightmare.

268. Ok, maybe I'm guilty of a lie of omission.

269. 'Cause you're a lie omitter!

270. I know this may be asking too much,

271. but could you please try and keep it together

272. until we can get home and talk about it?

273. - Fine. - Thank you.

274. Carla, I like your hair that way.

275. Laverne, I bet you're tempted to break open that face cake

276. and just tear it apart.

277. No one's touching this.

278. Oh, I don't care. I'm not even hungry.

279. Dr. Kelso, I don't have $700.

280. (stomach growls) Cake...

281. That actually sounded like the word cake.

282. You get me that damn face cake,

283. and you are free and clear.

284. Hi, Glenn.

285. - Hey. - Hey.

286. - I'm Glenn. - I'm Glenn!

287. Look, let's not go down that road again.

288. Come on. Shake.

289. (J.D.) Ok, it's time to come clean.

290. Kylie, I brought you here because I wanted to tell you—

291. Say I'm Glenn!

292. That's peculiar.

293. Anyway, what I really wanted to say was—

294. J.D., J.D.! Look at me!

295. Ugh! That's exactly the kind of girl my ex-boyfriend would have dated.

296. I barely know her.

297. (J.D.) And the lies begin again.

298. I certainly would never sleep with her.

299. (J.D.) That's it, you're stronger than this. Not another lie!

300. I race motorcycles.

301. Excuse me. What the hell are you doing?

302. - I need more cash. - For what?

303. I'm puttin' DSL in my box.

304. Fine! But know this,

305. you've been nothing but a disappointment to me

306. since the moment I ran over you.

307. - Hey, baby. - Keep it together.

308. Do you remember that quarantine we had 7 years ago?

309. It was just you and me,

310. all alone late at night here in the ICU?

311. - That's it! - Turk!

312. You really had to do that?

313. Come on. If he wasn't such a jealous baby,

314. it wouldn't be such a big deal.

315. Give him a break!

316. What if you found out Jordan had a history with somebody here?

317. Oh, fair enough. Uh, hey, everyone. (whistles)

318. In the brief 18 months that Jordan and I weren't together,

319. how many of you had your way with her?

320. Bear in mind, I'm gonna need absolute honesty here

321. or I will brain you.

322. Anyway, whoever taught Jordan that reverse cowgirl position...

323. It was long overdue, but thank you.

324. You're welcome.

325. You're a freak.

326. - Who ate my face fake? - He did.

327. (mumbles) $700.

328. Wow, he is really out.

329. A mild sedative fell into his juice box.

330. Look, J.D, I know why you're lying about everything.

331. You don't think you're good enough for Kylie.

332. You've always had this insecure thing

333. even though you're this funny, weird, amazing guy.

334. I mean... That's why I fell in love with you,

335. and I'm betting if you just act like yourself,

336. Kylie will, too.

337. Thanks, Elliot. Really.

338. But that's a load of crap,

339. because nobody is themselves when they start dating.

340. Dating is just acting like you're somebody you're not

341. until the person likes you enough so you can show them who you really are.

342. No, it's not.

343. What do you call that bra you wore for your date last week?

344. Oh, the miracle lift super push-up bra.

345. But not everyone's as insecure as me.

346. Carla, when you first started dating Turk, didn't you tell him

347. you loved watching NBA basketball every weekend?

348. Yeah.

349. And how many games have you watched since he proposed?

350. One. But only because that time he made me choose between

351. watching basketball or having sex.

352. Ah. Ha, ha.

353. Exactly. As soon as I get out of here,

354. I'm gonna treat Kylie better than anyone ever has.

355. I just gotta make it through tonight, ok?

356. Keep an eye on the bum's vitals.

357. I gave him enough sedative to put down a rhino.

358. I don't understand why Carla didn't tell me about you guys.

359. Maybe it's because she's really in love with me

360. and together, we injected you with diabetes

361. to very slowly get you out of the picture.

362. Or maybe it's because I really liked her

363. but she didn't exactly feel the same way about me,

364. and I got the forehead kiss

365. after spending 90 stinking dollars on theater tickets.

366. Or maybe and this is a huge outside maybe...

367. Maybe she knows you're the kind of person who freaks out

368. over irrelevant things from the past.

369. Personally, I hope it's all three.

370. (J.D.) They say all horrible things eventually come to an end.

371. The lab results are back and there is no SARS.

372. The quarantine is over. So, bye-bye, everyone.

373. That looks like my neck!

374. Oh, this does not end well for you.

375. Thanks for the heads up, jumpsuit.

376. You are going to pay every cent of that $700.

377. Double or nothin'!

378. Aah!

379. We're even. Good night, sir.

380. (J.D.) Dr. Kelso made me realize that lies come back to haunt you

381. even little ones about cake.

382. Heck, even a lie of omission shook the foundation of a couple

383. that was much more established than Kylie and me.

384. And I knew I couldn't let her go out that door.

385. - Let's go. - Kylie, wait.

386. I paid Steve 50 bucks and an IOU for another 120

387. to fake a heart attack.

388. I really wanted tonight to go well.

389. Is there anything else?

390. Adios, assface.

391. I had sex with her a lot.

392. Why are you telling me this?

393. If I don't come clean now, whether it's a few weeks

394. or months or years from now,

395. I know it's gonna come back to haunt me and ruin us,

396. and I don't want that.

397. I'm not looking for a project.

398. Yeah. I understand.

399. So get it together.

400. - Now let's go get some coffee. - Wait.

401. You know, if we leave like that,

402. that's how you're always gonna remember this night. I don't want that.

403. So what do you want to do?