Scrubs 4x15

1. (J.D.) Even though it can be tough around here,

2. sometimes God gives you little gifts to get you through the day.

3. Aah!

4. You're gonna want to grab a mop—

5. Shush. Watching the Sixth Sense.

6. There's a mess in the hallway.

7. This kid sees dead people.

8. That film is at least 5 years old.

9. So what? I haven't seen it.

10. Bruce Willis is a ghost.

11. He's been dead the entire time. Oh! All the best.

12. No! Nooo!

13. You guys, I'm so excited about tonight.

14. Settle down. We're just going to a nightclub.

15. No, Carla. An African-American club.

16. Promise me you'll be cool.

17. (J.D.) In Turk's defense, we had tried this once before.

18. You can't touch me.

19. (J.D.) And once before that.

20. Yeeeah, boyyyee!

21. Aw, man. It's only 10:00.

22. (J.D.) But, hey, the third time's a charm.

23. All right, you three can go in.

24. - Word. - Uh-uh. You're out.

25. Oh, look, sir, please—

26. Baby, I got this. Don't worry about this.

27. Listen here, man.

28. Homey here, you know, he's a little out of his mizzle,

29. so I'm just saying for just a little bizzle,

30. if you let him up in this pizzle, he'll be all chizzle.

31. You out, too.

32. Sir, this is for idiot number one, and this is for idiot number 2.

33. Come on, you fool.

34. Oh, I knew I'd get in!

35. Just don't loose your head, Bambi.

36. Oh!

37. Turk! J.D.'s doing the—

38. Heh. Oh, god.

39. (J.D.) After 2 hours of roboting left me parched.

40. And that's when I saw Kylie.

41. Hi. Can you make me an appletini?

42. I hope so. It's my favorite drink.

43. (J.D.) Oh, my God. That's a sign!

44. If only she had my goofy sense of humor.

45. Ran out of vodka. Let me go downstairs and get some more.

46. Ha, ha, ha! I've been working on my fake stair walk.

47. (J.D.) Ok, time to move in for the kill.

48. Work the fact that you're a doctor into the conversation.

49. Just be subtle.

50. I'm a doctor. John Dorian. Most of my patients live.

51. This is so weird. I've been looking for a doctor.

52. (J.D.) My God, look at those beautiful eyes.

53. They're so big I can see myself in them.

54. Wow! How cute am I?

55. So it's probably nothing big,

56. but I'm wondering if you could check it out.

57. You got it. Come by Sacred Heart tomorrow.

58. I have clinic hours. After all, I'm a doctor.

59. Dude, I can't believe this. You're gonna date a patient.

60. I hope she has something that keeps her here for a while

61. so you can get to know her.

62. I gotta thank you for taking a special interest in this.

63. Don't give him too much credit. He's just excited

64. because he wishes he dated more sexy black women when he was single.

65. Well, at least he married one.

66. - Todd, I'm not black. - Right. And I'm not straight.

67. Do you ever get that special fluttery feeling in your heart

68. when you feel like a woman's about to change your life?

69. Hey, J.D.! This is my boyfriend James.

70. Thanks again for seeing him.

71. - How's your heart? - The fluttering has stopped.

72. I'm no Superman

73. - Be with you in a second. - Thanks, doc.

74. It's funny. I thought you said

75. you were the one who needed a doctor.

76. No. I told you it was James.

77. Oh. How could I not have heard that?

78. Remember, I said...

79. (J.D.) My God, look at those beautiful eyes.

80. They're so b... You're doing it again!

81. So I'll see you in there.

82. - Ok. In there I'll see you. - (Kylie) Ha, ha, ha!

83. I can't believe it's over.

84. Dude, it's not that serious, all right?

85. There could be a window, but you have to get in there and fish

86. for information, all right?

87. You don't want to lose this hottie!

88. She is slamming hottie, and you don't want to—

89. - Turk. - Mm-hmm.

90. I got this. Baby, you know you're his world.

91. I'm going for it. But, you know, I gotta go in there hot.

92. Turk, what's that joke that Mickhead always tells?

93. Dude, a guy walks into a dentist's office

94. and says, "I think I'm a moth."

95. The dentist then says, "Well, if you think you're a moth,

96. why'd you come to the dentist's office?"

97. The guy then says, "Well, the light was on."

98. That moth is crazy.

99. Hey, I heard a great joke.

100. A guys walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth,"

101. and the dentist says, "Well, if you think you're a moth,

102. why are you in a dentist's office?"

103. (J.D.) Oh, no, I forgot the punch line.

104. You can't bail out now. Think, think!

105. So the moth says: "That's a good question.

106. What kind of dentist are you?"

107. And the dentist says: "Well, I'm a general dentist,

108. but I do dabble in orthodontry,

109. braces and such," and the moth says:

110. "Orthodontry? I hear there's great money in that."

111. (J.D.) The light was on!

112. "But to answer your original question,

113. which was if I think I'm a moth,

114. why am I in a dentist's office,

115. the answer is because the light was on."

116. Ha, ha, ha!

117. The light. It was the light, James.

118. Moths love light.

119. So, James, other than your funny bone being broken,

120. what seems to be the problem?

121. I've had a fever and stomachache for almost a week.

122. Ok, well, let's get a little history on you.

123. (J.D.) Time to go fishing for some info.

124. Do you ever have any shortness of breath,

125. for instance when you're walking Kylie to the apartment

126. that you share?

127. We don't live together.

128. (J.D.) Window! Window!

129. Oh, so you're waiting until you get married.

130. We're not engaged.

131. To answer your question, I don't have any shortness of breath,

132. but my right knee is a little puffy.

133. Well, maybe that's from dragging your feet. Am I right, Kylie?

134. She knows! Ok.

135. (J.D.) Using patient histories to your advantage

136. is an old doctor trick.

137. Let's face it. What a doctor says and what they mean

138. are often 2 different things.

139. I know Dr. Robbins treated your husband in the E.R.,

140. but we're gonna approach this case a bit differently.

141. And it's very comforting to have the chief of medicine here.

142. I took a special interest in this case.

143. Oh, thank you.

144. Hey, Elliot. Your boobies look hot today.

145. Ugh! Mr. Cheng's test results show that he's in renal failure.

146. We're just waiting for the results of his blood smear.

147. No need. I saw his chart right before

148. I went to the bakery. He's got malaria.

149. And you were going to tell him this

150. after you had a sticky bun?

151. Well, in my defense, he's going to live

152. at least another 12 hours and the bakery closes at 5:00.

153. But we've gotta get moving on this. What should we do?

154. Nothing. Mr. Cheng is not long for this world.

155. Do you believe that guy?

156. I never cease to be amazed by the depth

157. of his cynicism and callousness.

158. So what do you think we should do?

159. Oh, I don't care. I'm going home to watch the Lakers play the heat.

160. It's the game of the year, Shaq versus Kobe.

161. And you are going to stay here and deal with this yourself.

162. Shaq versus Kobe?

163. All the best. Ooh! Let it happen.

164. 3, 2, 1, ahh!

165. What's this stretch good for?

166. It loosens up my chest, but you should probably stretch, too.

167. Don't need to, buddy. I got a tube of Ben-gay

168. on each one of my hamstrings.

169. How are things going with Kylie?

170. They're ok. Is there some special way

171. to get a black girl to like you?

172. Dude, the only difference between a black girl and a white girl

173. is that when a black girl asks you

174. if her ass looks big, you say, "hell, yeah."

175. - All right. - Ok?

176. - You want to play some ball? - Hell, yes.

177. Dr. Kelso, I've thought about it,

178. and I am not going to just stand around

179. and wait for Mr. Cheng to die.

180. - Excuse me? - Are you kidding me?

181. Barbie going toe to toe with big Bob

182. in a battle of the annoyings?

183. Well, happy birthday to me!

184. We should do an exchange transfusion.

185. And the southpaw with the blonde bangs

186. and big britches comes out swinging!

187. Sweetheart, the man is 72

188. and in multi-system organ dysfunction.

189. It's done. It's parasites one, person zero,

190. and if you tell that family he's got a chance,

191. all you're doing is raising their hopes.

192. Oh, tremendous body blow!

193. Oh, and for the record, we're not colleagues.

194. I don't care what you think.

195. Ding! Ding! Ding!

196. And the fight goes to the stocky middleweight

197. from Monroeville, Pennsylvania.

198. By the way, Perry, Mickhead called in sick.

199. I need you to work tonight.

200. Well, that's all and good, but I'm not available.

201. There is no chance I am missing this game.

202. No chance, no how.

203. What the—

204. Say, Bob, what the hell happened in your office?

205. Oh, every year, the med students get me with a practical joke.

206. They messed with the speed control on my treadmill.

207. What I can't figure is how they got into my office.

208. Here's the key to Kelso's office.

209. And here's Nurse Tisdale's phone number.

210. I don't have any idea how they might've gotten in here, Bob,

211. but I can tell you this, if you think I'm missing

212. the biggest game of the year, you've got another think—

213. I hate to interrupt you but I'm still feeling a little woozy

214. from being shot into my wall like a lawn dart,

215. so why don't you just go work your shift

216. and use my VCR to tape the game?

217. When did you get this?

218. Right about the time, we couldn't afford that MRI machine.

219. Ah, of course you did. Heh!

220. Hey, Kylie, I wrote down that moth joke for you.

221. Wow.

222. (J.D.) Give her a compliment. Tell her she has a huge ass.

223. - You— - What happened to your eye?

224. Oh, this. It's a little embarrassing. I was playing basket—

225. Embarrassing for me, actually. See—

226. (whispering) Wingman time.

227. We were playing basketball,

228. and he scored 8 buckets in a row on yours truly.

229. - I alley-ooped him. - Shut up.

230. Hmm! You could've used J.D. at Seton Hall.

231. Oh, also, the soup kitchen where you volunteer called,

232. and they said you played ball at Seton Hall?

233. - All 4 years. - Get out of here!

234. Did the soup kitchen where I volunteer have a message?

235. Yeah, they're out of broth.

236. So what was it like playing college ball?

237. Sweetie, I'm gonna go to the cafeteria and get you a coffee.

238. Hell, no! Sweetie ain't drinking no cafeteria coffee.

239. Sweetie, you are drinking the coffee from the doctors' lounge.

240. - Let's— Seton Hall, huh? - Yeah!

241. Thank you.

242. It's the test results. Let's see what's going on.

243. Your gramstain shows that you have...

244. You have gonorrhea.

245. Ohh.

246. We should probably test Kylie to see if she's infected.

247. Oh, no, we haven't slept together. It's not like I'm missing out.

248. Heh! I probably got it from my secretary.

249. Or that trainer from the gym.

250. Ooh! Or this fine chick Tamyra that bartends with Kylie.

251. Yeah!

252. We should probably get you fixed up

253. or things might start falling off of you.

254. Listen up. I have been cursed

255. to work the night shift with you chuckleheads,

256. which means I have to tape the laker-heat game,

257. and seeing as no one in the history of this germbox

258. has never made made it through a shift without saying,

259. "Oh, my God! Oh, my god!

260. Did you see what happened last night on America's Fattest Fatties?

261. A 900-pound woman lost a pound and a half

262. and cried for 20 minutes." Be warned.

263. If you utter a word about the score of the game,

264. It will be your last. Now get out!

265. Go, go, go, go! (whistles) Chop, chop!

266. (J.D.) What drives people to seek revenge?

267. So you don't want to know the ending of something.

268. I can relate to that.

269. What is that in your lap?

270. Leonard. Half-kitten, half-monkey.

271. (Kelso) Unfortunately, with his system failing,

272. Dr. Reid and I have agreed there's nothing more we can do.

273. (J.D.) What drives people to go back on their word?

274. If we do an exchange transfusion,

275. there's a chance we can save your father.

276. Oh! Thank you.

277. Thank you.

278. Now, you have to keep this between us.

279. You know, doctor-patient confidentiality, right?

280. (J.D.) And what do you do when every fiber in your being

281. wants to say something, but you know you can't.

282. Hey! What are you guys talking about?

283. Nothing.

284. Why do all the good ones have boyfriends with venereal diseases,

285. but you can't say anything because you're the guy's doctor?

286. I am so sick of men screwing women over,

287. like cheating on them or using your lavender bath gel

288. to wash their car.

289. Baby, you did not just compare cheating

290. and getting gonorrhea to me using your soap.

291. I'm just saying, men let you down.

292. J.D., you have to tell her.

293. Baby, when J.D. Became a doctor, he took the hippocratic oath,

294. and I'm sorry, but there's no way around it.

295. - Is there an "a"? - Yes, there is.

296. Yes!

297. There may be a way around it.

298. (Elliot) Thanks.

299. Oh! Barbie, you are up there without a net this time.

300. Well, I sure do hope that Mr. Cheng rallies for you

301. because if he doesn't, sure shootin'

302. you're gonna be hearing Bob Kelso's voice saying...

303. (imitating Kelso) "Sweetheart, I told you so"

304. from now until you're 2 inches shorter

305. and driving around Florida with your left-hand blinker on.

306. Oh, now it's time to ruin the game.

307. Come with me to the window.

308. Why? What, do you have some elaborate plan?

309. I do, as a matter of fact.

310. I convinced everybody in this hospital

311. that's afraid of me to go outside and spell out the score of the game.

312. - Really? - No, you idiot.

313. I'm just gonna tell you the score of the game,

314. maybe knock your head against the glass.

315. Look, I was way out of line telling you how that movie ended,

316. but, God save me, watching sports

317. is one of the last pure pleasures I have left in my life,

318. so you tell me what's it gonna take

319. for you to let me go home, sit in my massage chair,

320. and enjoy the game?

321. I would like to perform open heart surgery.

322. No.

323. How about you perform surgery on me

324. - so that I can breathe underwater? - No.

325. I would like a shark that can read minds.

326. No.

327. - You and I trade lives for a year. - No.

328. How about a home-cooked meal and an hour in the massage chair?

329. - Done. - Done.

330. Hey, guys, it's off.

331. Wow! You guys are organized.

332. Hey, did you catch that Lakers-heat game?

333. 5 seconds left—

334. I can't believe you make $300 in tips a night.

335. Mm-hmm. This is why doctors should have tip jars.

336. I mean, I make 3 bucks for serving a Martini.

337. You put your lips on the mouth of a slobbering dead guy

338. and bring him back to life.

339. That's gotta be worth at least a 5 spot.

340. I should be getting back to James.

341. There's no rush. A nurse is up there

342. right now getting some blood from him.

343. - Ah! - I'm sorry!

344. It's never taken me 12 pokes to find a vein.

345. - Ha, ha! - Unh!

346. Got it! Whee!

347. Ugh! I should've brought my laptop.

348. I could've gotten so much work done.

349. You can bartend on-line?

350. I just work at the club to pay for grad school.

351. I'm getting my masters in political science.

352. I love politics! Ask me anything.

353. (J.D.) What are you doing?

354. You don't know anything about politics!

355. You're screwed unless she asks about bush

356. or the bald assistant president who has all those heart attacks.

357. Did you know only 17% of people under the age of 25 voted last year?

358. - You can vote if you're under 25? - Ha, ha, ha!

359. (J.D.) The only thing you can take solace in

360. is that a girl like her would probably

361. never be interested in you anyway.

362. I can't believe a cute guy like you doesn't have a girlfriend.

363. If I was single, I'd totally snatch you up.

364. Would you like to play a game of hangman?

365. (J.D.) As I sat there letting my interns do all my work,

366. I wondered if there was a parallel universe

367. where another J.D. and another Kylie could be together

368. because there's no hippocratic oath on planet Glornack 7.

369. Are you on Glornack 7?

370. Why are you so happy?

371. I just did an exchange transfusion on my malaria patient in there,

372. and he just woke up from his coma.

373. Well, he woke up to a world of bad boyfriends,

374. oaths, and gonorrhea.

375. He sure did, and you know why?

376. Because I broke the rules and ignored what Dr. Kelso wanted me to do.

377. (J.D.) Sometimes you have to break the rules,

378. and Elliot's patient waking up

379. was a clear sign that you couldn't deny.

380. Mr. Cheng is crashing.

381. (J.D.) Signs be damned! I'm telling her.

382. - Kylie! Kylie! - Unh!

383. Dude, you can't tell her! They won't let you be a doctor anymore!

384. Who cares? I'd make more money bartending!

385. Turk, if we leave right now, I might actually

386. be awake for sex tonight. Just go get my coat.

387. You owe me.

388. Baby, so I didn't know which one was yours,

389. so I grabbed all of them.

390. Just give me a second, ok? I need to talk to Elliot,

391. and then I gotta clock out.

392. And then we have sex? Then we have sex, ok.

393. (Elliot) I really thought he had a chance.

394. Well, the family's downstairs

395. whenever you're ready to talk to them.

396. Go ahead. Call me sweetheart and tell me

397. I'm a pathetic excuse for a doctor.

398. You made a bold decision and it bit you in the Keister.

399. Yeah.

400. I don't like people disagreeing with me.

401. There's not another resident here who has the guts to do it.

402. I just feel so guilty about Mr. Cheng.

403. Could you at least just make fun of my bangs or something?

404. Dr. Reid, take it from a colleague

405. telling that family what happened after getting their hopes up

406. is going to be far worse than any shot I can take

407. at that John Denver haircut you're sporting.

408. Did you just call me a colleague?

409. I did. But I hate my colleagues.

410. - What the hell are you doing? - I get to have sex.

411. I hate this place.

412. I get to have sex tonight!

413. - Hey, Kylie, there you are. - Hey, J.D.

414. (J.D.) This is your moment! Grab it!

415. Listen, Kylie, out loud, you idiot! Out loud!

416. I wanted to thank you for being such a great doctor.

417. (J.D.) And there it was. Great doctors don't break oaths.

418. Thanks again for everything.

419. (J.D.) Someone once said the bad guys always win.

420. Sometimes the bad guy is a jerk boyfriend.

421. (TV announcer) It's finally here,

422. the long-awaited showdown between Shaq and Kobe.

423. (J.D.) Sometimes the bad guy is the man you've been battling with

424. for as long as you can remember.

425. Hey, Perry! 98-97 Lakers.

426. Kobe dunked over Shaq for the game winner.

427. Don't ever mess with my treadmill.

428. Is this homemade gravy?

429. Mmm! Heh!

430. (J.D.) And sometimes the bad guy is a disease

431. that you didn't stand a chance against.

432. (sobbing) But you said he could get better.

433. I'm so sorry.

434. (J.D.) I guess all you can do is come back to work the next morning

435. and hope that being a good guy pays off.

436. What are you doing here?

437. Heh. My girlfriend Tamyra from the club,

438. she's also feeling a little sick, and you'll never guess what she has.

439. Gonorrhea! I mean, Gonorrhea.

440. Kylie, I wanted to tell you so badly,

441. but, you know, it's against the rules.

442. You can tell me now.

443. - Your boyfriend's a jerk. - He's not my boyfriend.