Scrubs 4x14

1. (J.D.) Being a great doctor isn't just about medical knowledge.

2. It's also about people skills.

3. Wow. That is the worst broken nose I have ever seen.

4. I'm here because I stepped on a nail.

5. Of course.

6. (J.D.) Or you walking on your nose.

7. Unfortunately, you're gonna have to wait a little bit longer, ok?

8. 'Cause we admit people by severity of condition.

9. That was mortifying.

10. Aah! My face!

11. You know, with the face burns, we could probably admit you now.

12. Laverne?

13. Aah!

14. (J.D.) My me time hand.

15. And, too, you know, Friday night,

16. there's a chamber orchestra playing in the courtyard of the museum.

17. - I would love that. - You wanna go?

18. My God, I love Pachelbel.

19. (J.D.) Carla and Elliot were going through their weekly ritual

20. of making plans they were never going to keep.

21. - We should have dinner beforehand. - Perfect.

22. (J.D.) And since Turk knew these were fake plans,

23. he used the opportunity to score bonus points with his wife.

24. Classic husbanding.

25. Hey, baby. You know what? Forget dinner.

26. I'll make you a homemade picnic basket.

27. - Oh. - I married an amazing man.

28. You sure did. You know what? I've got an even better idea.

29. Maybe J.D. and I could both come, right?

30. We'll wear sport coats and you guys, beautiful dresses.

31. - Oh, my God, I love that idea. - I love it. I love it.

32. - It's awesome. It's awesome. - (whooping)

33. (J.D.) To be perfectly honest, so did I.

34. I never get an opportunity to wear my hounds-tooth sports coat.

35. Unlike Elliot and Carla, when Turk and I made plans, we kept them.

36. It's 10:00. You ready?

37. Let's do it.

38. (J.D.) But lately for us, our plans rarely involved leaving the apartment.

39. I wasn't too excited about taking over this spot

40. after you sat in it for 20 minutes.

41. But I gotta tell ya, it's warm in all the right places.

42. (J.D.) Mm-hmm.

43. How do you like what I left you over there?

44. Aw, man, your ass indentation is so deep.

45. It's like I'm sitting in a giant inner tube.

46. (J.D.) As Turk and I recuperated from our big chair swap,

47. I wondered what other couples were doing tonight.

48. Did I just refer to Turk and I as a couple?

49. My point is, I'm sure other couples were out having fun.

50. You look so hot.

51. When's the last time we kissed?

52. About a month ago.

53. When was the last time we had sex?

54. Yesterday.

55. What do you say we head into the bathroom of this place

56. and lower the health code rating from an "A" to a "B"?

57. What do you say?

58. (J.D.) I guess some people figure, what's the worst that can happen?

59. Well?

60. It's blue.

61. - I'm not pregnant. - Oh...

62. You know what's weird? I'm relieved.

63. I just feel kind of sad because I think about how beautiful our son is,

64. and I kind of wish it had gone the other way.

65. You know?

66. Sweetie?

67. She's not pregnant!

68. It came out blue! It's blue!

69. She's not pregnant!

70. It's blue! It came out blue!

71. The EPI isn't working. I still don't have a rhythm.

72. Transcutaneous pacer isn't capturing.

73. Pupils are fixed and dilated. I'm calling it.

74. Time of death, 9:17.

75. I always thought that when I died, I'd see a bright light or float above the ground.

76. It turns out death is pretty mundane.

77. I guess sometimes the end is just the end.

78. For the last time, Jerry, you're not dead, ok?

79. Now, go back to your room.

80. Jerry has Cotard's, or walking corpse syndrome.

81. The guy thinks he's dead even though he's walking around.

82. (J.D.) I think I'll try to ask Turk something telepathically.

83. Hey, man, you wanna do something tonight?

84. Dude, yeah. Let's hang out and watch some TV.

85. We got any beer?

86. I think I used the last of it to make our special party ice.

87. Hey, if I accidentally put beer cubes in my orange juice again,

88. there's gonna be trouble. I almost got a D.U.I. because of you guys.

89. Dr. Mickhead was wondering if you would cover his patient in 310.

90. The guy was in some bar fight and has been unconscious since he got there.

91. He was brought in by some brother from Ireland.

92. You mean an Irish brother or an Irish brother?

93. Top of the mizzle to you, me lizzles.

94. I mean his sibling.

95. Aw, man.

96. And you must be the Irish brother.

97. No, sir. Ron Peterson, Ohio born and bred.

98. Yep. Red-Stater and proud of it.

99. Oh, sorry. We—

100. Oh, only taking the piss out of ya, lads.

101. Name's Billy Callahan.

102. Had you going with the American accent, though, didn't I?

103. I'll just put it out there. Do us a favor.

104. Is there any chance I could get one of these filled with Guinness?

105. I have an awful hangover. Me-head is splitting.

106. We had a late night last night as you can see.

107. And I'm a bit shaky. Is there any chance?

108. Probably not. We don't usually do that.

109. No? Ok.

110. Carla, I'm so bummed.

111. I can't go see the chamber orchestra tonight.

112. I totally forgot I have my Cantonese class.

113. And I would totally call and cancel,

114. but the only thing I know how to say is, "I'm allergic to peanuts."

115. Oh, Elliot, I was really looking forward to this.

116. Really? About 5 seconds ago,

117. you were all giddy about going home and taking a bath tonight.

118. Why would you do that to me?

119. New thing. I'm busting chops.

120. So, you just forgot we even had plans?

121. What's the big deal? You were flaking on them anyway.

122. I wasn't. I have my Cantonese class.

123. But do you? Do you really?

124. Busting chops.

125. Fine! At least I remembered the plans well enough to flake on them!

126. Oh, yeah? Well, if I knew you were going to flake on them,

127. I would've never made plans to forget in the first place, 'cause you—

128. She's gone, Carla. It's over.

129. Where the hell have you been for the last few days?

130. - Deep sea fishing. - You hate fishing.

131. - Went with my buddies. - You don't have any buddies.

132. Oh, yeah? Well, we landed a 200-pound White Marlin off the coast of San Diego.

133. Interesting. Because that's 3,000 miles

134. from the natural habitat of the White Marlin.

135. Well, perhaps it hopped a train from Cape Cod.

136. Why?

137. I'm busting chops today. You can ask anybody.

138. - It's true. - See?

139. So, what did you really do, and why are you limping?

140. Hey, Perry.

141. I got a vasectomy. Do not tell Jordan.

142. - Welcome back, fisherman! - Oh, honey, how I missed you.

143. - Mwah! Hi! - Ha-ha, hi!

144. Come on, Billy, just say it.

145. For the last time, lads, no.

146. Oh, then perhaps you're not really Irish.

147. Fine!

148. Pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars, green clovers.

149. (J.D.) See, I told you.

150. - Yeah, he's Irish. - Yeah, he is. Yeah, he is.

151. How long you two seeing each other? You're a great couple.

152. Oh, no, man, we're just living together.

153. Not like living together. I mean like living together.

154. Hey, that is a cool tattoo, my brother.

155. Oh, yeah, got this when I snuck onto a plane.

156. Thought I was going to Belgium, ended up in Kenya.

157. Long story short, I hung out with this tribe.

158. When the males go through adolescence they get this tattoo.

159. It means "alias."

160. Oh. Why "alias"?

161. It's their favorite show.

162. - Oh. - Oh.

163. I'm only kidding. I don't know what it means.

164. - Jennifer garner. - Oh, yeah. Obviously.

165. Enough about me. What about you lads?

166. You know, saving lives here all day every day.

167. Out at night, giving it a lash, tearing it up.

168. You do go out at night, don't you?

169. Do you have any 7's?

170. Turk.

171. We tear it.

172. And sometimes lash. But the hours we work, it's...

173. It's less tearing and more folding.

174. - Right. - Gently folding.

175. Lads, you'll sleep enough when you're dead and buried.

176. You have to get out in the streets. You have to talk to a stranger.

177. Drink a beer with breakfast.

178. Take the ugliest girl home at the party.

179. Done it! Done that. That one I've done.

180. Go traveling to Texas, you know.

181. Go line dancing with some married women that wish they weren't married.

182. You never know what life will put in your lap

183. when you open your arms and embrace it.

184. Be surprised what will fall in your lap when you open up and embrace life.

185. - Dude. - Elliot!

186. He said my eyes looked like the Irish countryside after a soft rain.

187. Ahem.

188. I should go.

189. That happened very quickly.

190. Don't even sweat it. It's Elliot. She's desperate.

191. Dude.

192. - Baby! - What?

193. What? I wasn't gonna do anything.

194. - He said my hair was curly. - Your hair is curly.

195. - (both) Baby! - Ok.

196. What did you do around the apartment while I was gone?

197. Oh, I turned your little office into my pajama closet.

198. I threw out everything in the refrigerator

199. that had the word "jerky" or "whiz" on it.

200. I got rid of all your clothes that make you look like you're 20 years old.

201. Don't worry, I saved your hockey jerseys,

202. although I did move them into my new pajama closet.

203. And for some reason none of the remotes work anymore.

204. - And why are you limping? - Fishing.

205. I'm limping from fishing.

206. I know that limp.

207. No, Bob. Bob, no.

208. You just got a vasectomy.

209. I had mine done back in '68.

210. Ironically, that was the same year that Enid discovered pasta

211. and I discovered I'm not attracted to enormous women.

212. I didn't just get a vasectomy.

213. Come on, soldier.

214. If I have to force you to drop your pants, I will.

215. So tell bobbo,

216. was it a hard decision for the two of you to make?

217. Snip it, doc. Snip it hard.

218. Yeah, we really struggled with it.

219. I don't really care.

220. All right, love.

221. Why are you waving? You're married.

222. So, what, married people can't wave now?

223. They can wave like this...

224. but you can't wave like this...

225. I didn't know you were a waving expert.

226. What plans of ours did you flake on to go to that waving seminar?

227. Oh, why are you asking me? Did you forget? You big plan-forgetter.

228. Besides, I don't need to go to a waving seminar

229. to know that this wave is internationally known

230. as "I am a married woman whose self-esteem has plummeted

231. because nobody looks at me anymore,

232. so I'm acting like a desperate hussy."

233. Oh, snap.

234. - Did you just call me a hussy? - Desperate hussy.

235. - Aah! - Aah!

236. - Ow! Oh! - Oh!

237. - Aah! - (speaking Spanish)

238. Whoa, whoa, ladies! Ladies, stop!

239. Continue.

240. - Aah! - Aah!

241. So, Billy, we're gonna need to get your brother's insurance information.

242. Oh, he's not me brother.

243. I only met the fella last night, God bless him.

244. (J.D.) In life, we often make assumptions that aren't true.

245. Whether it's assuming you know how someone's going to react...

246. Ok... let me have it.

247. Whatever makes you happy, sweetie.

248. I'll see you at home.

249. - Ow! Oh! - Oh! Aah!

250. (J.D.) Or assuming that a little girl from Connecticut would never fight dirty.

251. I'm going in!

252. Aah! Oh!

253. (J.D.) The crazy thing is, most assumptions could be avoided

254. if you just asked a simple question in the first place.

255. Well, if you're not his brother, then who are you?

256. Me? I'm the bloke that hit him.

257. Billy, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

258. Lads, it was an accident. He threw the first punch.

259. Then I hit him, he slipped, hit his head on the bar.

260. Now, listen, where I come from, you knock someone unconscious,

261. you stay around, you make sure they're ok.

262. Right? So guess what? I won't be leaving.

263. Well, then you're gonna have to deal with me and my partner.

264. I mean, like my partner, not like my partner.

265. Can I talk to you outside for a second?

266. How you doing?

267. Not great, actually. I'm dead.

268. Bummer. How long?

269. 4 years next month.

270. Jeez, that's a nightmare.

271. I was dead once for about 10 minutes.

272. Then me mate Danny peed on me head.

273. - Really? - It's quite a sight to wake up to though.

274. - Heard you guys were fighting. - We made up.

275. No, they didn't.

276. Chop-busting...

277. and doc-dusting.

278. Well, Elliot, you don't look too banged up about it.

279. You got your arm around Carla.

280. My hand is stuck in this rat's nest that she calls hair.

281. - Dye-job. - Got it.

282. But, chopstick, you gonna have to buy a new watch.

283. And, Carla, you may want to borrow some of my spray-on hair.

284. - Baby! - No, dude, forget them.

285. We have to deal with Billy.

286. Now, should we call the cops on this guy or what?

287. I don't know, man. He seems cool.

288. He put a guy in the hospital. That's a felony.

289. And as doctors, we're supposed to report him.

290. Are you trying to convince me to do something that you already did?

291. - 'Cause you know that drives me crazy. - No.

292. This is a decision we both need to make,

293. together, as a team, as a unit.

294. All right, fine, let's call the cops.

295. Thank God.

296. Hello, gentlemen.

297. We got a call about a felony from a Dr. Turk.

298. "Turk" is easier to hear over the phone.

299. (J.D.) "Dorian" isn't hard to hear over the phone,

300. but I didn't really want to talk about it with Turk.

301. When you have a problem with someone,

302. you tend to talk to everyone except them.

303. I went behind Jordan's back and got my junk rewired.

304. She was sweet to me. Sweet, bobbo.

305. What the hell do you make of that?

306. Carla thinks she's so tough. You know, she's been around the block.

307. She's from the block. Enough about the block!

308. It's not my fault my family had an orchard.

309. For 4 years I've had to listen to Elliot complain about her problems.

310. "My parents are too rich." "I slept with J.D. again."

311. "Why can't I gain any weight?"

312. Well, I got problems of my own. I'm from the block.

313. I wanted to help her. I just wish she could've heard me.

314. Ok, Jerry, you're out.

315. - Laverne? - Mm-hmm?

316. Can I talk to you?

317. Perry, believe me when I say I'm proud to welcome you

318. to what I like to call the seedless grapes club. But still...

319. I have just one obvious, and hopefully chop-busting question...

320. Why the hell are you talking to me about this?

321. (all) I guess I should be talking to her.

322. Jordan, Jordan, why aren't you more upset about this?

323. Honest to God, I don't get it.

324. I mean, normally you'd go to your mother's for a bitch refresher course

325. and then you'd come right back here, just swinging for the fences.

326. You know what? I'd love to stay and chat,

327. but if we're late for ballet, Jack won't get a spot by the bathroom

328. and then he'll pee in his tights.

329. I'm sorry, my son is taking ballet?

330. Come on, Jordan, he's already got an overbearing mother

331. and a fairly prominent lisp.

332. If we stick him in the tights, we might as well just go ahead

333. and get him a time share on fire island.

334. Oh, I haven't even decided if I'm gonna make him gay yet.

335. Oh, I see what this is.

336. This is the payback, huh?

337. Perry, I didn't freak out because you and I

338. are 2 very independent people in a relationship

339. and we don't always share our feelings.

340. I didn't get angry because I'm not surprised.

341. Let's go ballet.

342. Do I wish it were different? Sometimes.

343. But whatever you and I have is working,

344. so I guess I just have to live with it.

345. Bye, daddy.

346. - So how you feeling down there? - Oh, great. Great.

347. Reverse it.

348. See ya, lads.

349. Oh, man.

350. I know we feel guilty, ok, but it's over.

351. It's not like there's gonna be any ramifications.

352. You have one day to come up with another gorgeous Irishman.

353. - One day. - What?

354. The Todd appreciates hot, regardless of gender.

355. I'm glad Billy's gone. He was such a jerk.

356. He kept calling me Bonnie.

357. Bonnie means pretty.

358. Oh, my God, I will never love like that again.

359. You know I wasn't really mad about Billy or the whole flaking thing.

360. I remember hugging you the day of my wedding

361. and thinking to myself, even though the other 2 bridesmaids were my sisters,

362. I felt closer to you.

363. When did we stop being best friends?

364. It feels like it took us so long to get to that point

365. and then it's gone away so quickly, you know?

366. Well, it's my fault.

367. I've been burying myself in being married.

368. Oh, please, it is your first year.

369. I should've been the one to make the extra effort.

370. So, what now?

371. - We try harder. - All right.

372. Yo, who taught you how to fight like that?

373. When you grow up on an Orchard, you don't have much choice.

374. - Apple thieves. - Ah.

375. What the hell happened to you?

376. I got them to reverse the vasectomy.

377. What an incredibly normal thing to do.

378. Jordan, let me talk for a second.

379. I've been trained for many years to take any emotion I feel,

380. push it down, and then let it out by drinking way too much

381. and by yelling at the football players on my TV screen.

382. And I really thought I hit the jackpot

383. when I finally met a woman who was as disturbed and closed off as I am.

384. Thank you.

385. You're welcome. Still, now I want more. I really do.

386. I want to talk about things. Not everything. Not everything.

387. I definitely don't want to talk about everything.

388. For instance, I don't need to know when you beat up a woman in the park

389. because her purse is the same color as yours, but things that matter.

390. Things that are important to us as a family.

391. And I know that there are guys who bring flowers

392. and there are guys who write love songs.

393. But, Jordan, I'm a guy sitting in front of you here

394. with a twice-operated-on penis

395. that says I want to be a couple that communicates more openly.

396. What kind of guy writes love songs?

397. Guys whose mothers make them go to ballet class.

398. Fair enough.

399. You know how much I love you.

400. I love you too.

401. Ok, now that we're being all open and honest...

402. - Yeah. - I do not want to have any more kids.

403. - I think you should get the vasectomy. - Fantastic.

404. - I warned you! - What the hell happened?

405. He woke up and said something snarky, so I popped him again.

406. Are you serious?

407. - Boo! - Ah!

408. Nah.

409. Oh, you think scaring people's funny?

410. Well, good, 'cause you're dying.

411. John Dorian, you are a doctor.

412. Well, he started it.

413. Sorry about your face, man.

414. Oh, please, I threw the first punch. It was my fault.

415. Right, then, I'm off.

416. Supposed to be in Florence by midnight.

417. How the hell are you gonna do that?

418. Her apartment's 2 blocks away. Should be no problem at all.

419. Hey, we're sorry about the whole incarceration thing.

420. No worries. Life's too short to hold a grudge.

421. But still, you 2 boys might want to ask yourselves

422. why you contacted the authorities

423. and didn't have the decency to come and talk to me first.

424. But I shall let you two partners figure that out.

425. By the way, you're a gorgeous couple.

426. Good luck to you.

427. See you, lads!

428. When I was alive, I wish I had lived one day

429. like he lives every day of his life.

430. Dead people don't talk, Jerry.

431. (J.D.) We weren't really mad at Jerry.

432. What we realized was that we were jealous of Billy

433. because he was out living life and Turk and I weren't.

434. I guess it's important not to take life for granted.

435. Whether it's appreciating your relationships...

436. All righty, let's go for the hat trick there, doc.

437. - Are you sure? - Hey, doc, zip it, grip it, and snip it!

438. (J.D.) Or renewing your friendships.

439. - (snorts) - I almost peed.

440. (J.D.) For Turk and I, it was important to just get out

441. and start living life, period.

442. Buddy, it is almost 1:00 in the morning, and we have to be at work at 5:00.

443. I know, but how often do we do this?

444. You're absolutely right. Come on.

445. Do you have any 2's?

446. Ah, no. Go fish, please.

447. Do you have any K's?

448. Please go fish.