Scrubs 4x13

Directed by Ken Whittingham

Sam Lloyd as Ted Buckland • Robert Maschio as Todd • Aloma Wright as Laverne Roberts • Lindsey Stoddart as Nurse Haltson • Natalie Farrey as Daisy

Elliot starts showing J.D. up as the calmer, more competent doctor. A date with the Janitor leads to an a capella sing-off between his "group" and Ted's band. Turk starts taking his diabetes more serious, when he realizes the dire consequences of the disease.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. (J.D.) It's been a long road, but over the past 2 months,

2. Elliot and I have totally rebuilt our friendship.

3. Incoming.

4. Good morning. Ha, ha.

5. Uhh!

6. Co-chiefy, got you a little somethin' somethin'.

7. Thank you. And I actually got you a little something.

8. A magnifying glass?

9. Yes for these.

10. (gasps) You got the tiny post-its! Oh, awesome!

11. For our tiny bulletin board.

12. And I have a dentist appointment

13. that got moved to Tuesday at 4 P.M.

14. "Don't floss before you come in.

15. It makes your gums bloody." Ohh!

16. (J.D.) Bottom line, together, Elliot and I

17. are the greatest co-chief residents of all time.

18. You two are, without a doubt,

19. the worst co-chief residents of all time.

20. In case you haven't noticed,

21. we've got ourselves one hospital chockfull of monkey interns,

22. and news flash,

23. your job is to catch whatever they're flinging.

24. Coffee talk, ladies, is now officially over!

25. Get your asses to work. Now.

26. - Cream? - Please.

27. (J.D.) Yup, not even Dr. Cox could faze us,

28. because we had every facet of this job down.

29. We figured out a fair way to schedule all the interns' shifts.

30. Ok, whoever gets Dr. Reid's scrub top back to her first

31. doesn't have to work this weekend.

32. Commence the scuffle.

33. Hmm. Hope it doesn't rain today.

34. (J.D.) We knew how to protect the interns from Dr. Kelso.

35. Look, Brent, is it?

36. Son, please tell me you come with a money back guarantee,

37. because I'd like to get something useful

38. like a can of Brent remover.

39. - I mean, for God's— - Sake, Brent!

40. When are you gonna wake up and use that—

41. Rock that you have been calling your skull?

42. We got this, sir.

43. I mean, even a blind squirrel occasionally finds a nut—

44. He's gone. He's gone.

45. Look, Brent, you are doing fine...

46. (J.D.) Still, it's not like we didn't keep the interns on their toes.

47. So, Lonnie, get in here and see the effects

48. of cirrhosis of the liver.

49. - Aah! - Aah!

50. J.D., you knew I was gonna do that.

51. But it was still very startling.

52. Here's your shirt, Dr. Reid.

53. Wow, Daisy. Enjoy your weekend, you little scrapper.

54. Now, Daisy, I'm supposed to ask you, can Lonnie have his lower lip back?

55. It's my trophy.

56. - Ah. - Ah.

57. Hey, this guy's coding.

58. (J.D.) Don't get me wrong, I can handle a code,

59. but every so often, every single thing

60. that can conceivably go wrong with a patient goes wrong at once.

61. - He's in V.F. - We've lost an airway.

62. He's blown a pupil.

63. Ok, just give me a second, all right?

64. (J.D.) I call these train wreck codes, and they're not my forte.

65. Luckily, that's when Elliot is at her best.

66. J.D., I've got your back. Laverne, bolus with amiodarone.

67. Get me the crash cart. Grab me central line kit. I'll bag him.

68. Run the fluids wide open.

69. (J.D.) I honestly didn't understand

70. how she could do so many things at once.

71. 14 across. 4 letters. Band that sang Roseanna.

72. Toto!

73. T-O-T-O. Toto.

74. Ok. He's stable.

75. (J.D.) See, my problem is

76. that I've just never been much of a multitasker.

77. For instance, I can't eat and watch TV

78. or drive my scooter and answer my phone.

79. - (ring) - Hello?

80. The throttle's stuck!

81. Look out! Look out! Look out! Look out! Look out!

82. Look out! Look out...

83. (J.D.) Ha! Scared Lonnie again.

84. (aloud) Whoa! Whoa! Throttle! Throttle!

85. Throttle's stuck! Throttle's stuck!

86. (J.D.) Tater-tots. Whoa!

87. Over here. You can get back outside.

88. Whoa!

89. Whoever this is, you are not gonna believe what just happened to me.

90. I believe it. It was cool.

91. Janitor.

92. Ambrosia.

93. - Thank you, Janitor. - Mm-hmm.

94. Classic Janitor.

95. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

96. You know, that guy that crashed this morning is doing great.

97. (Dr. Cox) Oh, Barbie.

98. Maybe you can take a break from congratulating yourself

99. and figure out what's wrong with Ms. Kasuba over there,

100. seeing as you're her doctor

101. and she's been in the I.C.U. for 3 days.

102. We're, um, running lots of tests.

103. Tests? Oh, ho, ho! Goodie!

104. And what exactly will you be looking for?

105. And if it's the slowest doctor in the hospital,

106. then, ding, ding, ding, ding—

107. I already found her. Figure it out.

108. (J.D.) See, this is why it doesn't bother me

109. that Elliot is so much better with the train wreck codes.

110. Her biggest weakness is my biggest strength, diagnosis.

111. Elliot, if you need help, just ask Dr. Diagnosis.

112. You could be my sidekick, bangs McCoy.

113. (J.D.) Lately it seemed like Turk

114. was being a little casual about his diabetes.

115. Okay, you all know the rules.

116. I test my blood sugar, you bet high or low,

117. and 25% goes to diabetes.

118. Because if we all work hard,

119. together, I can get a big ass flat screen.

120. - That's right, baby. - I want high.

121. Low and slow, that's his tempo.

122. This game is sick. High.

123. 194.

124. - Yes! - Ahh!

125. - Give me some, Laverne. - It's that high, baby?

126. You've been sneaking brownies, haven't you?

127. Well, don't think that when you go blind

128. I'm gonna go get you no seeing eye dog.

129. I'm gonna name him gizmo.

130. That's what we were gonna name our robot.

131. When we get the robot, we'll just name him Tupac.

132. "Tupac, may I please have some waffles?"

133. (imitating robot) "Would you like some syrup?"

134. Yeah, that'll be fine. It'll work.

135. Maybe Ms. Kasuba has a perinephric abscess.

136. Nah, her pain is central, not near the back.

137. Come on, bangs.

138. You know what helps me when I'm diagnosing?

139. Mentally picturing everything.

140. Like those sugar packets there.

141. How do you think they got there?

142. (Elliot) Somebody probably knocked them over.

143. I don't think so. You see, the packets are neatly stacked.

144. Plus, that coffee cup has a lipstick

145. of a certain very hot Nurse Tisdale.

146. Ooh.

147. If you're looking for sugar, there's some on the floor.

148. It's the classic Todd thong sugar trap.

149. Wow.

150. Now let's apply the same thing to Mrs. Kasuba.

151. We know this isn't the first time she's experienced abdominal pain.

152. What else do we know about her?

153. You know what, J.D.? I've got to run. Are you ok here?

154. Yeah. I got this.

155. Say, that was some real Nancy drew stuff there. Nancy.

156. I mean, absolutely irrelevant as far as medicine goes,

157. but damn amusing.

158. Don't feel weird because you're threatened by my gift.

159. Many are.

160. Did you feel that you weren't quite annoying enough

161. without adding a delusional sense of grandeur?

162. Because I promise you, you are annoying enough.

163. In fact, you're the number one contender

164. for the middle weight annoyance crown.

165. Well, you're the number one jealous...

166. Weight for the jealous, weight jealous champ.

167. He's done it! He's done it!

168. Dorian's the most annoying man in the world!

169. Who would have ever thought, a journeyman annoyer like Dorian?

170. You were a close second.

171. I have a couple of announcements.

172. There's a serious problem around here

173. with not getting to know our patients.

174. Yes, the doctor told you to administer Haldol,

175. but why is he prescribing it?

176. Does the patient have a chance of sun downing

177. or is he prone to psychotic breaks and needs to be tied down?

178. You have to ask these questions, right, Tammy?

179. Child, we are swamped.

180. When do you think we're gonna get that kind of time?

181. Laverne, if you care, you'll go the extra mile,

182. - like my husband. Turk? - Hmm?

183. You have 3 patients on the floor.

184. What can you tell us about them?

185. Well, I'm cutting out that guy's appendix,

186. I'm sewing up her lacerated spleen,

187. and I'm slicing off that dude's foot.

188. Great. And why are you doing those things?

189. Because it says so on the charts.

190. What'd I do?

191. J.D., you up for some coffee?

192. I can't. I've almost got Mrs. Kasuba's condition figured out.

193. Hey, I'll join you for a cup of mud.

194. Great! Meet me downstairs in 5 minutes.

195. I'll be there. Just let me wash this glue off my hands.

196. What was he glueing? Not again.

197. I can't believe you're going on a date with the Janitor.

198. J.D., it's just coffee. It's not a date.

199. - Milady. - I have to go.

200. Baby, don't be mad. You know about surgeons.

201. We're hammers and our patients are nails,

202. and hammers don't get to know nails.

203. They hammer them. Why? Because hammers.

204. For the last time, Turk, I'm not gonna call you "the hammer."

205. Look, I was trying to make a point to my nurses

206. and I needed you to back me up.

207. I know, but none of the other hammers get to know their patients.

208. Yeah, well, none of them get to do

209. what you did to me last night, either.

210. Come on, Papi. Give it to me.

211. See? When I clap my hands at the same time,

212. it looks totally real.

213. I know! Let's go freak out J.D.!

214. Ok. Fine, I'll try. One condition.

215. - Give me some. - Aah!

216. (Ted) Oh, my God!

217. I think it, and she does it.

218. Acute intermittent porphyria! I figured it out!

219. All right, who's got Dr. Cox's pager number?

220. Oh, who am I kidding? I got my Perry's pager song.

221. There it is. Laverne, I'm gonna need you to get

222. Mrs. Kasuba started on I.V. Dextrose and Hematin.

223. - Dr. Reid already ordered that. - She what?

224. Um, you know what, J.D.? I've got to run. Are you ok here?

225. She figured it out before me.

226. (J.D.) There are a lot of things that can knock a guy on his ass.

227. All right, now, before we start,

228. just in case my wife asks, and she probably will,

229. what did this guy do to get his foot cut off?

230. (J.D.) Whether it's catching a glimpse of

231. what the future might hold...

232. He has diabetes.

233. (J.D.) Or realizing you've just done

234. the most embarrassing thing in your life.

235. Stupid Janitor. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.

236. But even that's not as bad as it can get.

237. Why didn't you tell me?

238. I just thought that after I bailed you out of that train wreck code

239. that you could, you know, use a win.

240. Great diagnosis there, Barbie.

241. Wasn't me. J.D. figured it out.

242. Well, then, nice job, Nancy.

243. (J.D.) The worst thing is realizing when a friend is taking pity on you.

244. (J.D.) I've never been a great liar.

245. Lookin' straight, Bruce.

246. That's why I knew it'd be better for me

247. if I just fessed up to Dr. Cox.

248. Elliot diagnosed Mrs. Kasuba, not me.

249. I know. And your guilty anguish is,

250. mmm, mmm, mmm, delicious.

251. It's like a little mini meal between lunch and dinner.

252. Quite frankly, it's all I can do not to grind pepper on your head.

253. I don't get it. When did she become a better doctor than me?

254. Probably during one of those countless times you were goofing off.

255. Hey, as soon as I step foot in this hospital, I'm all business.

256. Good morning, Dr. Cox,

257. from the world's most giant doctor.

258. Well, that was outside the hospital.

259. Plus, Elliot was the legs.

260. Sure, she's skinny, but she's thick through the trunk.

261. If you could just help me with these train wreck codes.

262. You're finally at that stage

263. where you and your equally undistinguished colleagues

264. have all had enough training to be able to help each other.

265. So no matter how humiliating it may seem,

266. if you know somebody who's better than you,

267. and I'm bettin' that you do,

268. you had best tuck that ridiculously feminine tail of yours

269. between your legs and go ask her for help.

270. I'm thinking that's just about it. Yup. I, uh...

271. Gosh, I'm all out of speeches.

272. I don't think I have another one on me.

273. I don't.

274. The, oh. These are my good-bye guns.

275. Those aren't real guns.

276. Why is my stapler on the floor?

277. Face five. Oh, yeah!

278. Oh, you taught Todd the slap thing?

279. - Nope. How was surgery? - Oh, it was fine.

280. Honey bear, you look blue. Have a cookie.

281. Nah, ah, ah, Laverne.

282. No more jacking up my man's blood sugar

283. just so you can buy yourself a camper.

284. So this is all a big joke to you guys?

285. 'Cause this is my life and I don't think it's funny.

286. Now I gotta try to get back in on that craps game

287. in the basement.

288. I don't know.

289. This whole blonde doctor situation has me mortified.

290. I gathered the brain trust here

291. to help me figure out a way out of this.

292. - Uh-oh, bro. - There she is.

293. You want me to hobble her?

294. That's not hobbling, that's poking.

295. What's a matter with you?

296. Here's a chance to learn a lesson as a group, ok?

297. Sometimes you just gotta face the music

298. and own up to what you've done.

299. Hi, blonde doctor.

300. Um, before when we almost had coffee,

301. uh, I feel like I made you feel uncomfortable.

302. No. I wasn't, um...

303. Well, it, you know, the only reason I was wearing a suit at all

304. was because our, uh... A Capella band was practicing.

305. Oh, that's great! What's your band's name?

306. - Uh, it's Hibbleton. - Yeah, yeah.

307. And, um, I don't think it's going too far to say

308. that we're the best hospital employee band in town.

309. - I'll clear his airway. - His O2 stat is dropping.

310. His abdomen is distended.

311. We need you to do a lavage. What are you gonna do?

312. Damn it!

313. J.D., it's ok. It's good practice.

314. That's why we're down here.

315. You know, I don't really like you guys playing with my cadavers.

316. Oh, really, Doug? So how come that one over there

317. has a soda in his hand?

318. He keeps it cold.

319. And how come when we walked in

320. you were sitting in a circle with 3 corpses

321. playing Texas hold 'em?

322. Just call first from now on.

323. I don't know what to do when everything goes wrong at once.

324. It's overwhelming.

325. You want to know what my big secret is?

326. Just take one deep breath.

327. Everything will slow down

328. and you can just tackle each thing as it comes.

329. That's your big secret? Breathing?

330. Why do you have such a problem with me teaching you stuff?

331. It's just that you're a little smug.

332. You called yourself Dr. Diagnosis and made me your sidekick.

333. J.D., you've been the golden boy around here for the past 3 years

334. while I've cried in closets and hid from Dr. Cox

335. and relied on you every single day to get me through it.

336. Now that I'm finally doing well enough to pay you back,

337. maybe you can tell me why you're being such an unbelievable jerk.

338. Because you're the one who's supposed to struggle, not me.

339. Baby, what's going on with you?

340. Ever since I got this thing, I've been joking around about it,

341. sneaking cookies, and hiding from it,

342. all because I'm scared to ask myself the questions.

343. Is it gonna get worse? Or are our kids gonna have it?

344. Or how old am I gonna be when it finally gets me?

345. - You don't understand. - I don't understand?

346. Turk, look at me. I'm a Wod.

347. I keep trying to tell you this,

348. but it's the mirror in the bathroom, baby.

349. You haven't gained a pound since I met you.

350. No, I'm a Wod. "Wife of diabetic."

351. That's what they call us in all the diabetic chat rooms.

352. I spend a lot of time on the computer

353. talking about how proud I am of my husband

354. and how he's handling this,

355. how he's able to make jokes about it and money.

356. It's ok to be afraid. I am.

357. But I have to tell you,

358. I don't know what I would do

359. if you suddenly became someone who lets something own you.

360. (Elliot gasps) Ohh!

361. Ha, ha, ha!

362. Yeah. Well, you win.

363. (all) Whoo!

364. Your band didn't even sing yet.

365. - Aw. - Aw.

366. There's no need. You win.

367. - Whoo! - Whoo!

368. Come on, Janitor. For me.

369. One second. Bring it in.

370. Oh, God.

371. Ok, I don't ask for much, just a little help with a stain

372. every now and then.

373. I'd like to be able to communicate with animals.

374. But right now, oh, boy, we need a miracle.

375. Hibbleton, whatever that means, on 3.

376. 1, 2, 3.

377. - Hibbleton. - Hibbleton.

378. Ha! Ahem.

379. Ha, ba, ba...

380. Ba, ba, ba...

381. Hibbleton!

382. (J.D.) I suddenly found myself looking down on Mr. Kravitz,

383. Elliot's train wreck patient from this morning.

384. Apparently, the irony wasn't lost on him, either.

385. You've got to be kidding, Mr. Kravitz. Twice?

386. - B.P.'s dropping. - He's becoming bradycardic.

387. - Doctor! - Uh...

388. (J.D.) And things did slow down.

389. Dopamine. Run it wide open.

390. Get me an airway. I need a pacing wire.

391. No pulse.

392. (J.D.) I think the second you stop fighting it,

393. time really is on your side.

394. And you can go on being who you are.

395. Or keep enjoying that little crush of yours.

396. - To you. - Cheers.

397. What do you say we go for the first ever triple giant doctor?

398. Oh, Elliot, that's impossible.

399. I know you've got strong legs and... Hmm.

400. I need you to place an I.V. on the second floor. Room 208.

401. Greetings! Ha, ha!

402. I'm the world's most, most giant doct—

403. Uhh! Oww! Uhh!

404. (J.D.) Little help.

405. Little help. Yeah.

406. Sir. Not that kind of help. Aah!

407. If I let go, will you guys catch me?

408. (both) No.

409. Well, I'm going for it anyway!

410. - Ohh! - (thud)

411. (J.D.) Lonnie? Lonnie?

412. (Lonnie) I hate you, J.D.