Scrubs 4x12

Directed by Chris Koch

Robert Maschio as Todd • Aloma Wright as Laverne Roberts • Mike Weinberg as Tyler • Colin Bain as Steve • Adam Zolotin as Reuben

When J.D. has to address a bunch of pre-med students about what it's like to be a doctor, he strays off the beaten path and chooses to discuss his best moments as a doctor instead. When he challenges the rest of the staff to do so, they all remember their best memories in the medical field. Meanwhile, Elliot is forced to face her fear of children, when she must befriend a ten year old boy, whose father is being treated in the I.C.U.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. All the way from the parking lot.

2. I told you I could do it!

3. Who's the idiot now?

4. Ow.

5. (J.D.) Despite my burning thighs,

6. giving Turk that piggyback ride was worth it,

7. because I'm sure it put him in a great mood.

8. I'm in a worse mood.

9. (J.D.) Why did I do it?

10. Kelso's got this new stupid outreach program

11. where families are allowed to observe surgeries.

12. Yesterday, I had to do a bypass on this guy.

13. You should have seen that family...

14. Standing there emotionless, silently judging me.

15. and today I gotta do a colectomy on that guy.

16. What do you think his family's gonna be like?

17. There's a tumor in there!

18. Oh, don't go behind the kidney, brother! Aah!

19. - Aah! - Aah!

20. You didn't go to the black family

21. yelling at the movie screen stereotype, did you?

22. Like a bear to honey.

23. Oh, my God! I was supposed to be downstairs 10 minutes ago

24. to talk to a bunch of pre-med students

25. about what it's like to be a doctor.

26. Don't worry. I gotcha.

27. - Buckle up, buddy. - Whoo!

28. - Hell, yeah! - Hey, kids, I'm Dr. Dorian.

29. I'm sure you have lots of questions, so let's get started.

30. So basically, it's a topical application

31. consisting of equal parts triethanolamine

32. and phenyl dimethicone.

33. I suggest applying it twice a day for extra hold, ok?

34. Here's a sample tube, Reuben.

35. Excellent query. Ok, then.

36. Anybody else?

37. Reuben again.

38. What was your best moment in medicine?

39. I'd say my best moment was probably my second year, new year's Eve.

40. A young pregnant woman could barely make it to the hospital.

41. She had her baby right there on the ramp.

42. You know, that's my first grandchild.

43. - Did you deliver him? - No, I didn't.

44. But I did watch.

45. I am a doctor.

46. And you look amazing!

47. So even though Dr. Mickhead actually delivered the kid,

48. yours truly rang in the new year with grandma.

49. We had sex.

50. That's how I do it.

51. That was your best moment?

52. I totally get it.

53. Older ladies know how to work it.

54. Ok. See, now you're in a bit of a pickle,

55. because the older lady you're talking about better not be me

56. and it sure as hell better not be somebody else.

57. So, what do you have to say?

58. Your favorite jeans are too tight and they look ridiculous.

59. What?

60. I'm in trouble anyway, and it needed to be said.

61. Well, unfortunately for you, that's just not true. Right?

62. - Ha. - Wow.

63. I'll tell you what my best moment in medicine was.

64. Damn it! We lost him. Call it.

65. I'm not giving up on this guy.

66. - Prop his hand up. - (woman) What?

67. I said prop his hand up!

68. That's right. The miracle five.

69. You take this one, Perry.

70. Great moment there, dumb ass.

71. It starts out with a profound misunderstanding

72. of how the human body works

73. and winds up with you shattering some old man's hand.

74. Oh, yeah.

75. You know what would be really neat?

76. If you guys all took a second

77. and thought about what your best moment in medicine was.

78. It would have been neat.

79. (J.D.) There's nothing sadder

80. than a young guy checking into the hospital during the holidays.

81. I think I'll tell Elliot that.

82. There's nothing sadder than a young guy

83. checking into the hospital on the holidays.

84. Hi. That's my dad.

85. Except that.

86. And that.

87. I've just been so tired lately.

88. Yesterday, when the little man and I were wrestling,

89. he dropped me in 10 seconds.

90. I got him with a power kick.

91. Hey! You brought Tyler a new ice cream cone.

92. Sure.

93. Thanks.

94. It's a waffle cone.

95. So, Mr. Milligan, it turns out you have a pretty serious case of mono.

96. Don't you get that from kissing?

97. There are other ways you can get it.

98. - Ahem. - Dr. Cox.

99. Hold that thought, newbie. 1, 2, 3, 4.

100. My new thing is to count just exactly

101. how many people in any given room can kick your ass,

102. and in here, the number is 4.

103. 5, if you count Mrs. Cross.

104. The other day she went off her meds.

105. Sla-lamed him with a cafeteria tray.

106. She came outta nowhere!

107. Am I gonna get out of here in time for Christmas?

108. Tyler's mom isn't around anymore,

109. and I'd really hate to ship him off to his grandparents'.

110. You'll beat Santa home. I promise.

111. Phyllis, outside.

112. What the hell was that in there?

113. Aah!

114. That's one more point for Mrs. Cross.

115. But let's see how she enjoys her beloved hard candy

116. without her choppers.

117. Newbie, you never promise a patient that they're gonna be fine.

118. Mr. Milligan? His blood pressure's a little low. He just has mono.

119. Oh, for God's sakes, newbie, take a look around, would you?

120. What's the difference between your Mr. Milligan

121. and every other patient in this ICU?

122. And if the answer to that question

123. is that he's the only one young enough

124. to have never made a phone call like this,

125. Brriiing! (New York accent) Hello? Operatah, Gimme Stuyvesant...

126. then you would be right.

127. But since I'm not in the mood

128. to make some big, dramatic, sweeping statement, I'll just tell you this,

129. God hates doctors. He truly does.

130. You see all these old people in here?

131. Well, any of them would give just about anything

132. to be able to sashay off this planet.

133. But most of them are gonna stay and live forever and ever and ever.

134. And your Mr. Milligan...

135. Well, it turns out he's just young enough to die.

136. I mean, think about it.

137. It's the holidays. There's a sweet little kid involved.

138. Can't you just feel it?

139. (J.D.) I did feel it.

140. And I knew what Carla was gonna say before she said it.

141. - Mr. Milligan is unconscious. - Newbie, let's go.

142. (J.D.) Think of your best moment in medicine.

143. Thanks for taking care of me, ma'am.

144. If there is ever any way that I can hook you up,

145. you just call me at work.

146. Don't worry about it. So, what do you do?

147. I raise and breed ponies.

148. (gasps) Ponies!

149. Come on, thunder!

150. Can't be late for rounds again. Let's go. Giddyap.

151. Hey, Elliot, would you keep an eye on Tyler here

152. while we take care of his dad?

153. Hi!

154. Yeah. I'm not that great with kids.

155. They've got such tiny hands, it's creepy.

156. I'm leaving now.

157. My dad's in the ICU. What does that mean?

158. Well, Tyler, that stands for intensive care unit.

159. It's where we put our patients who need extra care,

160. like somebody who might need help breathing

161. because their lung collapsed, or maybe they had a brain aneurism,

162. which is basically when a vessel ruptures,

163. and then blood pours into the...

164. you know what? Forget it.

165. You wanna go see someone who's worse off than your dad?

166. We call him "the head in the bed."

167. Ok.

168. His cultures are back. He's not septic.

169. - Let's start him on dopamine. - Already done.

170. Let's scan his head. I already ordered it.

171. I'd definitely give Mrs. Cross her teeth back.

172. That I will not do!

173. J.D., turns out Mr. Milligan doesn't have insurance.

174. Dr. Kelso said once he's stable, we have to bounce him to county.

175. Sorry.

176. Turk! Hey, if you go talk to Kelso for me,

177. I'll give you this special Christmas gum.

178. (J.D.) Ok, this is actually Mrs. Cross's medicated denture gum,

179. so you have to sell it with your eyes.

180. Sell it...

181. Sell it...

182. Ok.

183. (J.D.) Think of your best moment in medicine.

184. So I said, "I can't do it on my own."

185. Excuse me, sir. A man just fainted over there. Are you a doctor?

186. Not this weekend, son. Another Bahama mama, please.

187. Easy on the Bahama. Heavy on the mama.

188. How you doing? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

189. Dr. Kelso, I know you told Carla to bounce Mr. Milligan to county,

190. but it's Christmas, so, what do you say?

191. I'd say get me a 3-T form.

192. 3-T... What's that?

193. That's tough titties, Turkelton.

194. Uh... uh... uh...

195. Oh, God.

196. So, what do you wanna be when you grow up?

197. A baseball player.

198. Yeah, well, I wanted to be a ballerina when I was little,

199. but according to my mom,

200. 6-year-olds with mild scoliosis and giant man feet

201. aren't dancer material.

202. But the joke's on her, because I am currently waiting to hear

203. if the St. Martha's community theater

204. will let me work lights for their production of the nutcracker.

205. Can I have some chocolate milk?

206. Here's a buck.

207. There's a vending machine right outside that door.

208. Dr. Reid, would you sign this for me, please?

209. Sure! So, what are you doing this weekend, Laverne?

210. Minding my own business. How about you?

211. Hopefully lighting the crap outta St. Martha's auditorium.

212. Yippee.

213. (J.D.) Think of your best moment in medicine.

214. Damn it.

215. Club soda will take that right out.

216. Thanks, Carla.

217. You're welcome, doctor.

218. Carla. What's going on up there?

219. I'm sorry. I was just thinking about

220. the last time a doctor actually listened to me. Sometimes I—

221. Did you get the results of the scan?

222. They're negative.

223. I feel like we're missing something in his patient history.

224. When he came in, Mr. Milligan said

225. that he and his son had been wrestling and goofing around.

226. Oh, my God! He just might have goof-around-itis.

227. We should also check him for the silly-willies.

228. It's ok. They're just stressed out.

229. Any time a doctor disrespects me, I respond with a little note.

230. Worth it.

231. Are you swaning this guy?

232. I really don't need you checking up on me every 5 seconds.

233. Okay. I'm a doctor

234. and I have as much medical expertise as anyone in this place.

235. - Now, what exactly is swaning? - What?

236. I'm kidding! Enough with the backseat doctoring. I got this.

237. (J.D.) Why does it seem like every time I take a stand,

238. everything turns to crap?

239. I gave that kid some money and sent him outside the hospital,

240. and now I can't find him.

241. I'm sorry, what?

242. Kelso said no insurance,

243. you gotta stabilize the guy and then bounce him.

244. You gotta be kidding me.

245. In about 10 more minutes, none of this is gonna matter,

246. because this guy's circling the drain.

247. Why are you sick?

248. (J.D.) I can't figure this out.

249. Maybe if we tried stress-dose steroids...

250. I think I'll tell Dr. Cox that.

251. I can't figure this out. Maybe if we tried stress-dose steroids...

252. Or maybe we can just fill a syringe with false promises

253. and inject him with that. Hmm.

254. Says here you already got that one covered.

255. Try and discourage me all you want,

256. because kites fly highest against the wind.

257. What?

258. I'm a kite! I'm a big, beautiful kite. Fly! You know what?

259. I wonder if Mr. Milligan could have received any blunt trauma

260. without realizing it.

261. Wrestling.

262. Remember? He said his kid dropped him with a power kick.

263. Kids can kick pretty hard. Maybe he ruptured his spleen.

264. Get a stat abdominal CT.

265. Great catch there, Carla.

266. Thank you.

267. (J.D.) Think of your best moment in medicine.

268. - You can do this, Dr. Turk. - Ok!

269. Time!

270. Well, it's official.

271. Dr. Turk is now the fastest appendectomy in the hospital.

272. In your face, Dr. Beardface!

273. It's Beardfacé!

274. What the hell are you doing?

275. I got gummed.

276. Come on. It turns out Mr. Milligan has a ruptured spleen.

277. We're prepping him for surgery in room "C."

278. That's the room where the family gets to observe.

279. - So? - Dude, you don't understand.

280. When I operate, I don't see a person,

281. I see a machine with parts that need to be replaced

282. and circuits that need to be rewired.

283. You think you're a robot mechanic?

284. As a surgeon, the more detached I am, the more focused I am.

285. And it's pretty impossible to feel focused or detached

286. when this guy's family's watching every move I make!

287. Well, I wouldn't worry about that.

288. Mr. Milligan only has a son, and Elliot lost him.

289. Awesome! Ha-ha-ha!

290. - For me. - Oh.

291. For me.

292. Is that fun?

293. No, son. It's work.

294. But this body didn't happen by accident.

295. Well, you know what I think is fun? Baseball.

296. My son is a big baseball fan.

297. Not so much playing it but more the...

298. Designing and sewing of uniforms.

299. That's neat.

300. No, it's not.

301. Maybe we can play catch sometime.

302. I hope so, young man.

303. (Elliot) Oh!

304. Thank God, Tyler! There you are.

305. Sorry, Dr. Kelso. This is Mr. Milligan's son.

306. Come on, Tyler.

307. Thought you were gonna get some yoo-hoo and come right back.

308. Mabel, this is Bob Kelso.

309. What say we juggle some things

310. and see if we can't free ride Mr. Milligan financially for a while, ok?

311. (lady on phone) Is this really Bob Kelso?

312. Yes, this is really Bob Kelso!

313. Don't run off on me again, Tyler.

314. Sorry. I got scared.

315. When I get scared, I hide.

316. I know it's stupid.

317. It's not stupid.

318. Wanna know where I used to hide when I used to get scared?

319. This closet right here. And the one on the second floor.

320. There was also this broken MRI machine down in the basement.

321. It was like my own private cocoon.

322. You really got scared?

323. Yeah! Everybody does here at first.

324. Check this out.

325. Cool.

326. Hang in there, Steve.

327. In med school, they never teach you how to deal with death—

328. Steve will be stronger if he gets through this on his own.

329. So how did you stop being scared?

330. I just realized that people here needed me to be brave,

331. just like your dad needs you to be brave for his operation.

332. Can I hold his hand?

333. They're not actually very big on that.

334. Can I at least watch?

335. Are you sure?

336. Get it together, Steve!

337. (sobbing) I'm trying!

338. All right. Let's do this!

339. Come on!

340. (J.D.) Think of your best moment in medicine.

341. Come here. Here you go.

342. Here you go.

343. Whoo!

344. Let's see anybody else make that shot!

345. Huh? Who's your daddy?

346. Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy?

347. Carla, have you seen newbie?

348. - Oh, he got off your leash? - Ha-ha!

349. Give me a break. The kid's like a...

350. He's like a...

351. Have you ever seen a drunk baby?

352. Ah, it's a long story involving my son, rum cake, and a low counter.

353. Suffice to say that it turns out, at first,

354. it's endearing to watch them bounce off of the walls,

355. but, man, you take your eyes off them for one second,

356. and, bam!

357. They got a bucket on their head

358. and they're ploughing right through your brand-new flat screen TV.

359. God save me, it was barely out of the box.

360. The point is that newbie is my drunk baby.

361. He figured out that spleen thing. Maybe you should get off his case.

362. I would love to get off his case.

363. In fact, nothing would make me happier

364. than to watch him walk into a patient's room

365. and not feel that I have to run in after him and check up on everything.

366. - You wanna know what I think? - No.

367. I think you know how good a doctor J.D. is,

368. and whether you admit it or not, you have a great personal stake in his future.

369. So don't pretend that all this attention you throw at him is just for him,

370. because it's also for you.

371. As your friend I'm telling you that if you want him to keep growing,

372. you ought to back off of him once in a while.

373. - Carla— - And don't say anything,

374. because you know I'm right, and my jeans do look good.

375. God, I hate Christmas.

376. I really do.

377. Hey, Elliot, can I talk to you in private?

378. Parlez-Vous Francais?

379. You know, I did learn a little when my high school class went to France,

380. but that was just stuff to pick up chicks.

381. Turk...

382. (speaking French) I really think it would make Tyler feel better

383. if he could watch, ok?

384. (speaking French) I have an

385. Eiffel Tower

386. in my pants.

387. What?

388. Grapefruit!

389. Can I please stay?

390. Yeah, kid, you can stay.

391. Dr. Turk?

392. Thanks.

393. (J.D.) None of us wanted to say what we were thinking,

394. how vulnerable we felt.

395. So we all just stood around, pretended to work,

396. and waited for someone to come through that door

397. and tell us how this was gonna end.

398. Who's the man?

399. All right, you guys, we still got a lotta work to do.

400. Turk, check the post-op films in radiology.

401. Carla, we'll transfuse back to a hemoglobin 10,

402. and, Elliot, why don't you take Tyler and get us all ice cream immediately?

403. I'm gonna check on him. You wanna come?

404. No. No, you got it.

405. (J.D.) It's amazing how one patient can affect so many people.

406. Dr. Dorian, what was your best moment in medicine?

407. My best moment. Well, there was this guy...

408. He had the most amazing little kid...

409. And the doctors actually listened to me.

410. Hmm.

411. But I knocked the surgery right out the park.

412. And I decided to pull some strings for the guy...

413. And honest to God, I wouldn't have believed it

414. if I hadn't seen it myself, but newbie handled the whole thing...

415. wire to wire.

416. (J.D.) And I kept my promise...

417. because the two of them got home in time for Christmas.

418. And that was my best moment in medicine.