1. Mornings in a hospital
are filled with possibilities.
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2. You could encounter a disease
you've never seen before,
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3. make a life-saving diagnosis,
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4. or try out the best
new nickname ever.
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5. Good morning, Black Whale.
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6. No.
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7. - No to black, or no to whale?
- Just no.
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8. Hey, idiot.
I said idiot and you looked.
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9. You did the "hey, idiot" thing
to me, like, six months ago.
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10. - Did you look then?
- Yeah.
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11. You know what? I think you're
out of ways to bother me.
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12. - No, you're wrong.
- Think of a way to annoy me right now.
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13. That's what I thought.
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14. Thanks for the SeaWorld
tickets, Sean.
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15. So you have family
in town or something?
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16. - Hell, no, I'm going to sell these.
- OK.
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17. Come here, Aquaman. One more patient
and then we're getting out of here.
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18. Elliot and her marine biologist
boyfriend at it again.
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19. But you know what?
It honestly doesn't bother me.
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20. Sean's gonna let me swim
with the dolphins.
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21. That's great.
I hope they don't maul you.
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22. Relax, Elliot. Dolphins love people.
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23. How'd you get that giant scar
on your leg?
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24. Parachute pants.
It got caught in the zipper.
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25. Right.
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26. You're lying already? I love that.
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27. - It wasn't a dolphin that bit me.
- What was it?
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28. - Black whale.
- You rang?
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29. I knew you'd end up liking it.
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30. Mrs Cantwell,
just a quick pelvic exam.
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31. So throw your feet up in these stirrups
here and scoot your tushie down.
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32. Come on, Sean. Let's go.
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33. Shouldn't you at least
buy her breakfast?
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34. You're not the first person to give a
patient an orgasm during a pelvic exam.
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35. No one cares.
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36. I'm sure the two of you
haven't stopped obsessing about it.
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37. Woman, we're professionals.
Isn't that right, Dr Dorian?
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38. 52? Mrs Cantwell,
you don't look a day over 25.
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39. Why, thank you, young lady.
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40. - Dude.
- I'm sorry. What's up?
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41. - What's happening with the other thing?
- That's great.
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42. I've never heard a woman
make sounds like that.
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43. I'm sure you haven't.
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44. It's funny. You've never
really satisfied a woman.
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45. You might wanna double-check
with your mum.
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46. Around here
we all make fun of each other.
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47. Except for Carla.
No one makes fun of Carla.
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48. Got a gross of bedpans here.
And where should I pick up my medal?
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49. For what?
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50. For reading your chicken-scratch
handwriting. Who is with me?
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51. I run back and forth
for 18 hours a day
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52. between patients who might die
and who will die.
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53. If I find time to write an order
for bedpans, I write it fast.
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54. So I don't feel like being judged
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55. by some guy in his 30s
who still wears shorts to work.
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56. Say the only three words I wanna
hear coming out of your mouth.
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57. Sign here, please.
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58. - Thanks again for holding the door.
- I didn't know you were behind me.
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59. I didn't hear anybody telling me
what a horrible person I am.
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60. - How are the new happy parents?
- I'm living my dream.
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61. Have a great day today.
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62. Hurry home tonight so you can ignore
your son and not do your share.
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63. You make me want to kill myself
and everybody around me.
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64. Come, Dixie.
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65. So, you and Jordan, huh?
You wanna talk about it?
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66. I do, but not here
because I'll probably just cry,
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67. I'm crying, it's too late.
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68. I swore I wouldn't do this.
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69. Come on, Perry. Get it together.
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70. You stop it.
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71. Come on, you idiot.
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72. Hey, fellas. What's the good word?
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73. Mr Randolph, your PSA number's
gone up since your last blood test.
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74. This could be from the prostatitis.
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75. We won't know for sure until
your biopsy results come back.
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76. But I feel pretty certain
that we're gonna find something.
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77. For God's sake, Catherine,
stop making a scene.
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78. I'm sorry, Doctors,
but she gets a little emotional.
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79. - Are you two WASPs?
- Episcopalian. Why?
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80. You would veto the French Riviera
for our honeymoon
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81. because of the nude beaches?
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82. The point of marriage is that I'm the
only one who gets to see your candies.
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83. I gotta go. But meet me
in the on-call room in an hour.
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84. I have a very sexy surprise for you.
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85. Hell, yeah.
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86. - This guy's sick.
- Thanks.
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87. - You're stupid.
- You're just embarrassing yourself.
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88. - Pick someone else to annoy.
- I don't pick 'em. They pick me.
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89. Loose debris can get sucked up
into the air-conditioning vents.
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90. When that happens, I have to spend the
day crawling around inside the wall.
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91. And I don't like that.
There's not enough air.
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92. I've hallucinated. I spent a day inside
that wall thinking I was a mermaid.
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93. So you don't throw around loose trash
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94. and I won't have to waste a day granting
the wishes of imaginary fishermen.
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95. Dude, I'm not scared of you.
Life's too good.
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96. I'm untouchable.
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97. That's what I hoped you'd say.
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98. Dr Murphy, how about you start us off
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99. by describing the medical condition
of your patient Mr Aronson here?
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100. He's got hypertropic cardiomyopathy
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101. with severe secondary
pulmonary hypertension.
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102. Wrong. He's dead.
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103. Another one bites the
dust, huh, sport?
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104. Next contestant. Dr Reid.
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105. Admitted with a COPD exacerbation.
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106. He responded well to antibiotics
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107. but he did develop a rash
on his private area.
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108. - Sorry, on his what?
- His peepers.
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109. - Excuse me?
- His schwing-schwong.
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110. It's bad enough you run out on a patient
in the middle of a pelvic exam,
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111. but you are a doctor and you need to
be able to say simple clinical words
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112. like "penis" or "vagina" or "anal."
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113. - "Anal" is not a dirty word, sir.
- Tell that to my wife.
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114. The biopsy's back and I'm afraid
it's positive for prostate cancer.
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115. Rats. Excuse my language, dear.
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116. I can see this conversation
being riddled with that kind of talk.
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117. Perhaps you should wait
out in the hallway.
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118. Sir, I know that it's cancer,
but I'm not really worried.
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119. Am I confusing cancer
with some other disease?
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120. No, you're not.
Captain Bedside here is trying to say
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121. it hasn't spread to the lymph nodes,
so it's still easily operable.
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122. There's an opening in surgery.
I managed to jam you in.
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123. This is happening fast. You must have
a lot of emotions swirling around.
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124. But if you have any questions at all,
I'm here.
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125. What channel is that
Queer Guy show on?
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126. - Tell him.
- Bravo, Tuesdays at ten,
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127. nine Central, eight Mountain.
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128. - Message from Jordan.
- How's it going?
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129. - Just great.
- Hey, watch it.
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130. We've known each other
for over two years. Let me in, OK?
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131. Help me help you.
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132. Stop it. Fine, Newbie.
Let me tell you a little story.
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133. It starts every day at five,
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134. about the time
you're setting your hair for work.
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135. I am awakened by a sound.
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136. Is that a cat
being gutted by a fishing knife?
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137. No. That's my son. He's hungry and
he's got a load in his pants so big
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138. that I'm considering hiring
a stable boy.
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139. I go ahead and dig in
because I do love the lad
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140. and, gosh, you know me, I'm a giver.
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141. And I'm off to the hospital
where my cup runneth over
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142. with both quality colleagues,
such as yourself,
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143. and a proverbial clown car
full of sick people.
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144. But my pay is about the same as guys
who breaks rocks with other rocks
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145. and I only have to work
300 or 400 hours a week,
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146. so, so far,
I'm a pretty happy camper.
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147. Then I head back home, where I'm greeted
by the faint musk of baby vomit
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148. in a house that used to smell like,
well, nothing.
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149. It used to smell like nothing at all.
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150. All I wanna do before I restart
this whole glorious cycle is
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151. lay on the couch and have a beer,
watch some Sports Center,
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152. and if I'm not too sweaty,
stick my hand right down my pants,
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153. but apparently that's not in Jordan's
definition of "pulling your weight".
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154. So, there you are, superstar.
Fix that.
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155. That's easy. Just tell her about it.
Tell her everything you feel.
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156. Should I give her every reason
to accept that I'm for real?
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157. No one understands relationships
like Billy Joel.
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158. Uptown Girl got me
through high school.
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159. You don't wanna end up
like the Randolphs back there,
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160. not saying a word to each
other, do you?
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161. You wish we were
more like the Randolphs, don't you?
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162. God save me, I do. I really do.
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163. Come here.
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164. So, here's your surprise. We'll
be getting married in six months
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165. and I just thought it would be so hot
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166. if we didn't have sex again
until our wedding night.
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167. Can you imagine
how great that night will be?
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168. So great. How about this, though?
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169. How about you stop having sex
but I keep having sex?
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170. - You mean like an affair?
- No.
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171. I'll have sex with you
when you're sleeping.
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172. Turk, how can you not think
this idea is so romantic?
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173. Maybe you got me confused with that
little Amish boy you used to date.
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174. Damn.
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175. Untouchable, eh?
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176. Dr Kelso, none of my patients
have died today.
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177. Really? Mr Ferguson's corpse
begs to differ.
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178. Darn it.
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179. And, Dr Reid, your patient, Mrs Burke,
has developed a urinary infection.
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180. Apparently it hurts when she makes
whizzy winkles through her sea biscuit.
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181. It's not my fault
dirty stuff makes me uncomfortable.
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182. Whose fault is it?
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183. But more important
than never letting yourself get fat
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184. is never let a man put his dirty
how-do-you-do into your bajingo.
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185. Jorge, I need to see you
in the potting shed.
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186. She was always yelling at Jorge
in that potting shed.
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187. But she never fired him, even after he
kidnapped her and took her to Acapulco.
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188. How am I supposed to reverse 26 years
of uptight repression?
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189. This is a job
for Miss Busybody Smarty-pants.
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190. I know what you have to do.
I'm gonna help you through this.
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191. - Dude, I'm dying here.
- It's 18 hours since you had sex.
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192. - I'm saying, this is torture.
- Why don't you take care of yourself?
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193. - Man, you know I don't do that.
- You don't?
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194. - I only did that like twice in my life.
- Same here.
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195. If by "in my life"
you mean "since I got home".
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196. I gotta go to sleep. I'm tired.
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197. My little newbie dooby-doo.
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198. That whole "telling Jordan how I
feel" thing just went terrific.
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199. Thank you. I need a place to crash.
Where's Naomi's bedroom?
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200. Goodnight, roomies.
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201. We gotta get that lock fixed.
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202. The only lock I gotta get fixed
is the one to Carla's panties.
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203. I need to get a key.
I need to call a locksmith.
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204. I thought I was the locksmith.
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205. Then she cut me off, man.
Just like that.
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206. Prison lock-down.
No one gets in or out.
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207. Man, that's tough.
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208. If you're not using my bed,
can I use it?
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209. You may not, on account of this
whole situation being your fault.
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210. You told her that spending the
day with a baby isn't really a job.
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211. You told me to tell her how I feel.
I did just that.
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212. You'll remain on the floor until
you come up with a new plan for me.
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213. You know Dr Cox,
I know this is tough on you,
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214. what with you being
psychotic and all.
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215. But I'm out, OK? It's 3am,
and there's nothing in the world
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216. that's gonna keep me
from going to sleep right now.
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217. You changed your mind about surgery?
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218. Catherine downloaded some information
on diet, exercise, seed implants.
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219. Those are, at best, a stall.
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220. I know there's trepidation when you
talk about surgery near the penis.
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221. Quick pause on the gutter talk.
Catherine, hallway.
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222. Look, I...
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223. Go.
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224. There are possible side effects,
but the incontinence goes away.
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225. Sexual dysfunction can be treated with
anything from Viagra to a penis pump.
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226. Penis pump? That sounds awkward.
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227. It doesn't have to be.
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228. It's a giraffe.
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229. End of discussion.
I'm not having the surgery.
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230. I don't mind
that they've shaved me already.
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231. Proportionately
everything seems much grander.
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232. You just have to ease into it.
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233. Let's forget about patients for now
and start with this.
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234. Oh, my God. She's got a tattoo
of a teardrop on her bajingo.
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235. - Is it sad?
- Her vagina.
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236. She has a tattoo
on her beautiful vagina.
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237. This just isn't fair.
Not fair at all. It's ridiculous.
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238. - This is stupid.
- I'm just trying to help.
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239. You know what? I don't
remember asking for your help.
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240. It does look a little sad.
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241. They always do.
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242. We don't have to take our clothes off
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243. To have a good time
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244. This is a hospital.
Why are you playing that song?
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245. We Don't Have to Take Our Clothes Off,
the classic anthem to platonic love?
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246. No reason.
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247. Whatever you're doing,
it's not working.
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248. Of course not. Not with you.
You're, what'd you say? Untouchable.
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249. Well, anyway, back to work.
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250. New friend.
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251. Mr Greenburg needs
2.4 million units of penicillin IM.
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252. Why, does he have a spinkle
in his gherkin?
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253. You're right.
That stuff makes me uncomfortable.
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254. That would have sent me
into a shame spiral,
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255. but now I'm just gonna get over it
at my own pace.
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256. What does bother me is that no one
is ever allowed to make fun of you.
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257. - People can make fun of me.
- What about that delivery guy?
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258. You practically tore him
a new bingle-bore.
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259. But he's not my friend.
My friends can make fun of me.
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260. Really?
You're a know-it-all smarty-pants
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261. and if you're not telling someone
what to do, you're not talking.
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262. I guess I can be a little bossy.
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263. A little? Girl, please.
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264. If you met Jesus, you'd be trying
to tell him where to park his donkey.
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265. Are we allowed to do this? What about
that whole hands on the hips,
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266. Carla from the block thing
she does when she's mad?
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267. "Bambi, you do not wanna
mess with me right now."
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268. - You do sound like that.
- Careful. We are not that close.
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269. Careful. You better be careful,
cos I'm Carla.
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270. Mr Randolph.
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271. What's he doing here?
I don't like these people.
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272. Surgeons, not African-Americans.
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273. - We're actually saying "black" now.
- I was right, Catherine.
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274. I brought Dr Turk to help you
get over your fear of surgery.
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275. I'm not scared.
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276. - Then what is it?
- I don't know if you've noticed.
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277. Catherine and I
don't always communicate well.
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278. - No.
- Come on. You're joshing.
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279. It's true.
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280. But when I lay that beautiful woman
down onto our bed to make love...
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281. Oh, God.
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282. The walls come tumbling down.
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283. It's the one place
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284. that I can tell her
how wonderful and beautiful she is
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285. and how I would be lost without her.
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286. I know I will probably have to
have this surgery eventually,
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287. but until then
I am not going to risk losing
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288. the one thing
that keeps me close to her.
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289. Not until I absolutely have to.
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290. Yes, dear, you can come in.
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291. Maybe the dirty little secret about sex
is that it isn't so dirty after all.
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292. Could you try to be
a tiny bit mature?
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293. This is me mature.
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294. - Excuse me.
- What?
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295. OK, so there's that.
I realised I let you down before.
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296. I was thinking I could make it up to
you by maybe babysitting sometime.
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297. The weird thing is, even though it's
natural, sex can make us uncomfortable.
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298. You have a penis and I have a vagina.
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299. That is so hot.
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300. But if we work at it,
we can get beyond that discomfort...
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301. and realise that sex
can actually be a comfort.
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302. Hey, baby. A patient made me
understand what romance really means.
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303. So as far as this no-sex thing goes,
I'm with you 100%.
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304. Everyone I know just spent
the last two hours listing my faults.
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305. I wanna have sex, now.
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306. I'll get the condoms.
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307. Sorry.
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308. Sex can even be a cure.
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309. Wait a minute.
Why were you so angry at me?
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310. I don't even remember.
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311. How do I know all this? Because no
one understands how important sex is
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312. better than someone
who isn't having it.
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313. Hello, Cinemax.
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