Scrubs 3x9

Directed by Ken Whittingham • Chris Koch

Aloma Wright as Laverne Roberts • Scott Foley as Sean Kelly • Carrie Stroup as Mrs. Cantwell • Barry Bostwick as Mr. Randolph • Julia Sanford as Catherine

Elliot feels uneasy with the proper terms for sexual organs, especially after performing a pelvic exam; J.D.'s patient refuses to have surgery for prostate cancer.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Mornings in a hospital are filled with possibilities.

2. You could encounter a disease you've never seen before,

3. make a life-saving diagnosis,

4. or try out the best new nickname ever.

5. Good morning, Black Whale.

6. No.

7. - No to black, or no to whale? - Just no.

8. Hey, idiot. I said idiot and you looked.

9. You did the "hey, idiot" thing to me, like, six months ago.

10. - Did you look then? - Yeah.

11. You know what? I think you're out of ways to bother me.

12. No, you're wrong.

13. Think of a way to annoy me right now.

14. That's what I thought.

15. Thanks for the SeaWorld tickets, Sean.

16. So you have family in town or something?

17. Hell, no, I'm going to sell these.

18. Oh, OK.

19. Come here, Aquaman. One more patient

20. and then we're getting out of here.

21. Elliot and her marine biologist boyfriend at it again.

22. But you know what? It honestly doesn't bother me.

23. J.D., Sean's gonna let me swim with the dolphins.

24. Really? That's great. I hope they don't maul you.

25. Relax, Elliot. Dolphins love people.

26. How'd you get that giant scar on your leg?

27. Parachute pants. It got caught in the zipper.

28. Right.

29. You're lying already? I love that.

30. It wasn't a dolphin that bit me.

31. What was it?

32. - Black whale. - You rang?

33. Yes! I knew you'd end up liking it.

34. Mrs. Cantwell, just have to give you a quick pelvic exam.

35. So throw your feet up in these stirrups here

36. and scoot your tushie down.

37. Come on, Sean. Let's go.

38. Shouldn't you at least buy her breakfast?

39. Elliot, don't be embarrassed.

40. You're not the first person

41. to give a patient an orgasm during a pelvic exam.

42. No one cares.

43. I'm sure the two of you haven't stopped

44. obsessing about it since it happened.

45. Woman, we're professionals. Isn't that right, Dr. Dorian?

46. 52? Mrs. Cantwell, you don't look a day over 25.

47. Why, thank you, young lady.

48. - Dude. - I'm sorry. What's up?

49. What's happening with the other thing?

50. That's great.

51. I've never heard a woman make sounds like that.

52. I'm sure you haven't.

53. It's funny. You've never really satisfied a woman.

54. You might wanna double-check with your mom.

55. Around here we all make fun of each other.

56. Except for Carla. No one makes fun of Carla.

57. Got a gross of bedpans here. And where should I pick up my medal?

58. For what?

59. For reading your chicken-scratch handwriting. Who is with me?

60. Listen, I run back and forth for 18 hours a day

61. between patients who might die and who will die.

62. If I find time to write an order for bedpans, I write it fast.

63. So I don't feel like being judged

64. by some guy in his 30s who still wears shorts to work.

65. Go ahead and say the only three words

66. I wanna hear coming out of your mouth.

67. Sign here, please.

68. Thanks again for holding the door for me.

69. I didn't know you were behind me.

70. I didn't hear anybody telling me what a horrible person I am.

71. - How are the new happy parents? - I'm living my dream.

72. Have a great day today.

73. Hurry home tonight so you can ignore your son

74. and not do your share.

75. You make me want to kill myself and everybody around me.

76. Come, Dixie.

77. So, you and Jordan, huh? You wanna talk about it?

78. I do, but not here because I'll probably just cry,

79. I'm crying, it's too late.

80. I swore I wouldn't do this.

81. Come on, Perry. Get it together. Get it together. Get it...

82. You stop it! You stop it! You stop it!

83. You stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

84. Come on, you idiot.

85. Hey, fellas. What's the good word?

86. Mr. Randolph, your PSA number's gone up

87. quite a bit since your last blood test.

88. This could be from the prostatitis.

89. We won't know for sure until your biopsy results come back.

90. But I feel pretty certain that we're gonna find something.

91. For God's sake, Catherine, stop making a scene.

92. I'm sorry, Doctors, but she gets a little emotional.

93. - Are you two WASPs? - Episcopalian. Why?

94. You would veto the French Riviera for our honeymoon

95. because of the nude beaches?

96. Baby, the whole point of marriage is that

97. I'm the only one who gets to see your candies.

98. I gotta go. But meet me in the on-call room in an hour.

99. I have a very sexy surprise for you.

100. Hell, yeah.

101. - This guy's sick. - Thanks.

102. You're stupid.

103. See, now You're just embarrassing yourself.

104. Pick someone else to annoy!

105. I don't pick 'em. They pick me.

106. Loose debris can get sucked up into the air-conditioning vents.

107. When that happens,

108. I have to spend the day crawling around inside the wall.

109. And I don't like that. There's not enough air.

110. I've hallucinated.

111. I spent a day inside that wall thinking I was a mermaid.

112. So here's the thing. You don't throw around loose trash

113. and I won't have to waste an entire day granting

114. the wishes of imaginary fishermen. OK?

115. Dude, I'm not scared of you. Life's too good.

116. I'm untouchable.

117. That's what I hoped you'd say.

118. Dr. Murphy, how about you start us off

119. by describing the medical condition

120. of your patient Mr. Aronson here?

121. He's got hypertropic cardiomyopathy

122. with severe secondary pulmonary hypertension.

123. Wrong. He's dead.

124. Another one bites the dust, huh, sport?

125. Next contestant. Dr. Reid.

126. Mr. Murdoch was admitted with a C.O.P.D. exacerbation.

127. He responded well to antibiotics

128. but he did develop a rash on his um... Private area.

129. - Sorry, on his what? - His peepers.

130. - Excuse me? - His schwing-schwong.

131. It's bad enough you run out on a patient

132. in the middle of a pelvic exam,

133. but you are a doctor

134. and you need to be able to say simple clinical words

135. like "penis" or "vagina" or "anal."

136. "Anal" is not a dirty word, sir.

137. Tell that to my wife.

138. The biopsy's back

139. and I'm afraid it's positive for prostate cancer.

140. Rats. Excuse my language, dear.

141. You know what? I can see this conversation

142. being riddled with that kind of talk.

143. Perhaps you should wait out in the hallway.

144. You know, sir, I know that it's cancer,

145. but I'm not really worried.

146. 'Scuse me, am I confusing cancer with some other disease?

147. No, you're not. Captain Bedside here is trying to say

148. it hasn't spread to the lymph nodes yet,

149. so it's still easily operable.

150. There's an opening in surgery. I managed to jam you in.

151. Look, I know this is happening awfully fast.

152. You must have a lot of emotions swirling around.

153. But if you have any questions at all, I'm here.

154. D'you know what channel that Queer Guy show is on?

155. It's OK. Tell him.

156. Bravo, Tuesdays at ten,

157. nine Central, eight Mountain.

158. - Message from Jordan. - How's it going?

159. - Just great. - Hey! watch it!

160. We've known each other for over two years. Let me in, OK?

161. Help me help you. Help me help you.

162. Stop it. Fine, Newbie. Let me tell you a little story.

163. It starts every day at five,

164. about the time you're setting your hair for work.

165. I am awakened by a sound.

166. Is that a cat being gutted by a fishing knife?

167. No. That's my son.

168. He's hungry and he's got a load in his pants so big

169. that I'm considering hiring a stable boy.

170. I go ahead and dig in because I do love the lad

171. and, gosh, you know me, I'm a giver.

172. And I'm off to the hospital where my cup runneth over

173. with both quality colleagues, such as yourself,

174. and a proverbial clown car full of sick people.

175. But what the hey! My pay is about the same

176. as guys who break rocks with other rocks

177. and I only have to work 300 or 400 hours a week,

178. so, so far, I'm a pretty happy camper.

179. Then I head back home, where I'm greeted

180. by the faint musk of baby vomit

181. in a house that used to smell like,

182. well, nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

183. In fact, it used to smell like nothing at all.

184. And all I wanna do before I restart

185. this whole glorious cycle is

186. you know, lay on the couch and have a beer,

187. watch some Sports Center,

188. and if I'm not too sweaty, stick my hand right down my pants,

189. but apparently that's not in Jordan's

190. definition of "pulling your weight".

191. So, there you are, superstar. Fix that.

192. That's easy. Just tell her about it.

193. Tell her everything you feel.

194. Should I give her every reason to accept that I'm for real?

195. No one understands relationships like Billy Joel.

196. Uptown Girl got me through high school.

197. You don't wanna end up like the Randolphs back there,

198. not saying a word to each other, do you?

199. You wish we were more like the Randolphs, don't you?

200. God save me, I do. I really do.

201. Come here.

202. So, here's your surprise. We'll be getting married in six months

203. and I just thought it would be so hot

204. if we didn't have sex again until our wedding night.

205. Can you imagine how great that night will be?

206. So great. How about this, though?

207. How about you stop having sex but I keep having sex?

208. - You mean like an affair? - No.

209. I'll have sex with you when you're sleeping.

210. Turk, how can you not think this idea is so romantic?

211. Maybe you got me confused with

212. that little Amish boy you used to date.

213. Damn.

214. Untouchable, eh?

215. Dr. Kelso, none of my patients have died today.

216. Really? Mr. Ferguson's corpse begs to differ.

217. Darn it.

218. And, Dr. Reid, your patient, Mrs. Burke,

219. has developed a urinary infection.

220. Apparently it hurts when she makes whizzy winkles

221. through her sea biscuit.

222. It's not my fault that dirty stuff makes me uncomfortable.

223. Oh, whose fault is it?

224. But more important than never letting yourself get fat

225. is never let a man put his dirty how-do-you-do into your bajingo.

226. Jorge, I need to see you in the potting shed.

227. She was always yelling at Jorge in that potting shed.

228. But she never fired him,

229. even after he kidnapped her and took her to Acapulco.

230. How am I supposed to reverse 26 years of uptight repression?

231. This is a job for Miss Busybody Smarty-pants.

232. I know what you have to do. I'm gonna help you through this.

233. Dude, I'm dying here.

234. Turk, it's been 18 hours since you had sex.

235. I'm saying, this is torture.

236. Why don't you just, like, take care of yourself?

237. - Man, you know I don't do that. - You don't?

238. Nah. I only did that like twice in my life.

239. Same here.

240. If by "in my life" you mean "since I got home".

241. I gotta go to sleep. I'm tired.

242. My little newbie dooby-doo.

243. That whole "telling Jordan how I feel" thing just went terrific.

244. Thank you. Now I need a place to crash. Where's Naomi's bedroom?

245. Goodnight, roomies.

246. We gotta get that lock fixed.

247. The only lock I gotta get fixed is the one to Carla's panties.

248. I need to get a key. I need to call a locksmith.

249. I thought I was the locksmith.

250. Then she cut me off, man. Just like that.

251. Full prison lock-down. No one gets in or out.

252. Man, that's tough.

253. If you're not gonna use my bed, can I use it?

254. No, you may not, on account of

255. this whole Jordan situation being your fault.

256. You said spending the day with a baby isn't a job

257. and it's turned her into an inflexible shrew.

258. You told me to tell her how I feel. I did just that.

259. Now you'll remain on the floor until

260. you come up with a new plan for me.

261. You know Dr. Cox, I know this is tough on you,

262. what with you being psychotic and all.

263. But I'm out, OK? It's 3am, and there's nothing in the world

264. that's gonna keep me from going to sleep right now.

265. You changed your mind about surgery?

266. Catherine downloaded some information

267. on alternative treatments. Diet, exercise, seed implants.

268. Sir, those are, at best, a stall.

269. I know there's trepidation when you talk about

270. surgery near the penis.

271. Quick pause on the gutter talk. Catherine, hallway.

272. Look, I...

273. Go.

274. There are possible side effects, but the incontinence goes away.

275. Sexual dysfunction can be treated

276. with anything from Viagra to a penis pump.

277. Penis pump? That sounds awkward.

278. It doesn't have to be.

279. Wow! It's a giraffe!

280. End of discussion. I'm not having the surgery.

281. Although, I don't mind that they've shaved me already.

282. Proportionately everything seems much grander.

283. All right, Elliot. You just have to ease into it.

284. Let's forget about patients for now and start with this.

285. Oh, my God. She's got a tattoo of a teardrop on her bajingo.

286. - Is it sad? - Her vagina.

287. She has a tattoo on her beautiful vagina.

288. This just isn't fair. Not fair at all. It's ridiculous.

289. - This is stupid. - I'm just trying to help.

290. You know what, Carla? I don't remember asking for your help.

291. It does look a little sad.

292. They always do.

293. This is a hospital. Why are you playing that song?

294. You mean We Don't Have to Take Our Clothes Off,

295. Jermaine Stewart's classic anthem to platonic love?

296. No reason.

297. Whatever you're trying to do, it's not working.

298. Of course not. Not with you.

299. You're, what'd you say? Untouchable.

300. Well, anyway, back to work.

301. New friend.

302. Mr. Greenburg needs 2.4 milliunits of penicillin IM.

303. Why, does he have a spinkle in his gherkin?

304. You're right. That stuff makes me uncomfortable.

305. That would have sent me into a shame spiral,

306. but now I'm just gonna get over it at my own pace.

307. What does bother me is that no one is ever

308. allowed to make fun of you.

309. - People can make fun of me. - What about that delivery guy?

310. You practically tore him a new bingle-bore.

311. But he's not my friend. My friends can make fun of me.

312. Really? You're a know-it-all smarty-pants

313. and if you're not telling someone what to do,

314. you're probably not talking.

315. OK, I guess I can be a little bossy.

316. A little? Girl, please.

317. If you met Jesus,

318. you'd be trying to tell him where to park his donkey.

319. Are we allowed to do this now?

320. What about that whole hands on the hips,

321. Carla from the block thing she does when she's mad?

322. "Bambi, you do not wanna mess with me right now."

323. You do sound like that.

324. Careful, Doug. We are not that close yet.

325. Careful, Doug. You better be careful, 'cause I'm Carla.

326. Mr. Randolph.

327. What's he doing here? You know I don't like these people.

328. Surgeons, not African-Americans.

329. We're actually saying "black" now, sir.

330. I was right, Catherine!

331. I brought Dr. Turk here to help you

332. get over your fear of surgery.

333. I'm not scared.

334. Then what is it?

335. I don't know if you've noticed

336. but Catherine and I don't always communicate that well.

337. - No. - Come on. You're joshing.

338. It's true.

339. But when I lay that beautiful woman

340. down onto our bed to make love...

341. Oh, God.

342. The walls come tumbling down.

343. It's the one place

344. that I can tell her how wonderful and beautiful she is

345. and how I would be lost without her.

346. I know I will probably have to have this surgery eventually,

347. but until then I am not going to risk losing

348. the one thing that keeps me close to her.

349. Not until I absolutely have to.

350. Yes, dear, you can come in.

351. Maybe the dirty little secret about sex

352. is that it isn't so dirty after all.

353. Could you try to be a tiny bit mature?

354. This is me mature.

355. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la...

356. - Excuse me. - What?

357. OK, so there's that. I realized I let you down before.

358. I was thinking I could make it up to you

359. by maybe babysitting sometime.

360. The weird thing is,

361. even though it's natural, sex can make us uncomfortable.

362. You have a penis and I have a vagina.

363. That is so hot.

364. But if we work at it, we can get beyond that discomfort...

365. and realize that sex can actually be a comfort.

366. Hey, baby. I was just with a patient

367. who made me understand what romance really means.

368. So as far as this no-sex thing goes, I'm with you 100%.

369. Everyone I know just spent the last

370. two hours listing my faults.

371. I wanna have sex, now.

372. I'll get the condoms.

373. Sorry.

374. Sex can even be a cure.

375. Wait a minute. Why were you so angry at me?

376. Oh, I don't even remember.

377. How do I know all this?

378. Because no one understands how important sex is

379. better than someone who isn't having it.

380. Hello, Cinemax.