Scrubs 3x5

Directed by Marc Buckland

Sam Lloyd as Ted Buckland • Don Perry as Mr. Bober • Kattia Ortiz as Female Resident • Scott Rabideau as Male Resident • Tom Cavanagh as Dan Dorian

Dan decides to stay with J.D. for a while after their mom's new fiancé kicks him out, but after spending some quality time with him at the hospital, Dan isn't sure if he likes the cynical person his little brother has become. Elliot tries to deal with her own problems of a long distance relationship and decides to try moonlighting as a pet examiner with Carla to save up money.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. As a doctor, it's important to make small talk.

2. What would you like with your turkey sandwich?

3. Pickles.

4. It's harder if your patient has dementia

5. and can only say one word.

6. - And to drink? - Pickles.

7. Now for a thousand dollars and this bag of IV fluids,

8. guaranteed to make you feel like you're 190 again,

9. what did Peter Piper pick a peck of?

10. - Pickles. - I'm sorry, Mr. Bober.

11. The correct answer is peppers.

12. Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.

13. Newbie! Did I just walk in on you mocking an innocent patient?

14. - Yes. - I've never felt closer to you.

15. This is just exactly what's wrong with the whole system.

16. The nursing home doctors unload this gomer on us

17. because they can't treat him.

18. So we get his temperature below 100

19. and then turf him right back to the

20. good people at Next Stop Heaven,

21. where between wheelchair productions of Anything Goes

22. and robbing the poor old bastards blind,

23. they bounce him right back to us.

24. On the plus side, his temperature's 99.9,

25. so sayonara, Mr. Bober.

26. I could just give you a hug. Of course I never would.

27. I could, but I never would. God save me.

28. No biggie, because here comes my dream girl

29. with a smile just for me.

30. - You know what I love? - What?

31. My boyfriend, Sean.

32. And that's when I made one of the biggest mistakes

33. I'd made in some time.

34. I'm really bummed out about Elliot.

35. I just needed someone to talk to.

36. I called my brother.

37. Boo-frickin-hoo. I'm so glad you called.

38. Mom's getting remarried for the seventh time.

39. Well, this is turning into such a hassle for me.

40. With that I had reopened a door that I had

41. successfully closed years ago.

42. Yes, Dan, I got your 11 messages.

43. Because you're my brother, I'm gonna put this nicely.

44. Leave me alone.

45. This Mom thing doesn't bother you?

46. Yes, it's killing me.

47. So much so that I have to go. OK?

48. All right, buddy. I'll see you soon.

49. - Real soon. - Wait.

50. - What's up, Dan? - Christopher.

51. Looks like we have the makings of a dog pile.

52. - Turk, don't. - Sorry, dude. I gotta.

53. I miss Sean. This long-distance thing is killing me.

54. Well, are you having phone sex?

55. Uh... Gross.

56. Have you and Turk ever done it?

57. Last year when he went home for the holidays I gave him a call.

58. You'd be surprised how much

59. Turk's 11-year-old nephew sounds like him,

60. and how worldly he is.

61. I'm not comfortable doing it here anyway.

62. That guy next door listens to everything I say.

63. I can hear you there breathing.

64. You sick bastard.

65. Look, you just need to find a place

66. where you're not so self-conscious.

67. Hi, sweetie. Are you naked?

68. OK. Now imagine me taking off my shirt

69. and kissing down your neck.

70. Can you hear me? Sean?

71. Good. Now I'm at your chest and my tongue starts to...

72. Are you there? Good.

73. Because now I am licking your nipples all over.

74. Your nipples. Nipples, Sean! I'm licking your nipples!

75. Look, Oliver.

76. I don't care how close you are. I'll call you later.

77. Dude, we have to get my brother out of here.

78. He's driving me crazy.

79. I did not just drop a toothbrush in the toilet.

80. - Was it blue? - Yellow.

81. Don't sweat it. So, Mrs. D's getting remarried, huh?

82. To a total loser.

83. This guy's making me move out of Mom's attic.

84. Oh, the audacity.

85. I know. But this is gonna be great.

86. Like when I came down to see you guys in med school.

87. I hooked up with that slutty chick with the huge cans.

88. - What was her name? - Amy.

89. How do you remember stuff like that?

90. She was my girlfriend.

91. - You got her number? - No.

92. Turk and I are working on our harmonizing.

93. A one, a two, a one, two, three.

94. - Haunting. - You've always had the talent.

95. You get in on this, we can take this on the road.

96. - I love the theatre. - Aah! Come to Papa.

97. Turk, don't put your skivvies in the freezer.

98. I'm sick of my Popsicles tasting like fabric softener.

99. I like my bad boys to stay nice and cold.

100. Make sure you're dry down there,

101. otherwise you get a "tongue on the flagpole" situation.

102. This is a stimulating conversation.

103. Why doesn't Mom's new husband want you in the house?

104. I'm worried, 'cause I think this marriage might actually stick,

105. unlike Mom and Dad, who solved everything with sex.

106. - They did? - Yeah.

107. You were only born 'cause Mom bounced a check at the market.

108. I guess you're only here because Mom wrecked the car.

109. No, they wanted me.

110. Hey! My nephew just asked what you're wearing today.

111. How cute is that?

112. Not as cute as you think.

113. - Hey! - Carla,

114. I've gotta scrape some cash together to see Sean.

115. OK, everyone, listen up.

116. It came to my attention that Dr. Brogan here

117. has been moonlighting over at County Medical.

118. If he were to kill someone over there, great.

119. But if he were to make a mistake here

120. because of how tired he was,

121. then my hospital would be liable.

122. So, Ted, why don't you tell everyone

123. what my policy on moonlighting is?

124. No moonlighting.

125. Dr. Brogan will be suspended without pay for one week,

126. but he gets to run around in my backyard wearing a foam suit

127. so I can see if my dog Baxter's

128. attack classes were worth the money.

129. - Is my message clear? - Absolutely, sir.

130. No moonlighting, sir.

131. - Where do you guys moonlight? - Insurance physicals.

132. - Free clinic. - Mammogram-mobile.

133. I just got the offer today. But I'd make more money

134. than I do now ridin' in an ambulance.

135. Even though I'll be handling breasts all day,

136. my beautiful fiancée would let me...

137. I ride around in an ambulance.

138. Dan wanted to come to work today,

139. but I told him it'd make me uncomfortable.

140. He was OK with it.

141. I heard there's a bed in the on-call room.

142. Ever get hot and heavy in there?

143. Usually I'm in there by myself.

144. So yes. Listen, my buddy Wayne lives a couple of miles upstate.

145. He's got a new bumper-pool table.

146. I'm gonna be taking off tonight.

147. Thank God. Dr. Cox.

148. - You remember my brother Dan? - What do you say, Coxy?

149. - Nothing. - That's a first.

150. - This is my boss. - You know what a boss is?

151. For you, that would be the 17-year-old that tells you to

152. clean out the grease trap and fill all the ketchups.

153. Oh, my ribs.

154. Dan, why don't you go and get a snack cake?

155. Dan was wondering if he could trail with us today.

156. Good God in heaven, there are just so very many

157. ways for me to say this to you.

158. Never, not in a million years, absolutely not,

159. no way Jose, no chance Lance, nyet, negatory, nah, uh-oh!

160. And, of course, my own personal favorite of all time,

161. man falling off a cliff.

162. Noooooo!

163. Oh, Dr. Cox...

164. Pfff!

165. - I just wanna say thank you. - Hold the phone.

166. You don't want him to come with us?

167. Nooo! Pff!

168. Dan. Come.

169. Thanks, Turk. I didn't get that mammogram-mobile job.

170. They said you took it after all.

171. What?

172. Yes, I took it. But it pays better

173. and we both know this job is about

174. helping women detect breast cancer and nothing more.

175. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm late for work.

176. Have fun, 'cause you'll never see the girls again.

177. The place where I moonlight pays pretty well.

178. I can call them for you.

179. Cool. What's the gig?

180. It's just emergency patch and fix work.

181. It's no different than treating a patient at our hospital.

182. Looky here. Tell me, sir.

183. What is it that brings Dr. Dorian's

184. favorite gomer back to the hospital?

185. - Pickles. - Fair enough.

186. What's a gomer?

187. An old person that takes up a room in the hospital

188. and doesn't have the common decency to die.

189. That's just rude is what that is.

190. I'm sorry, I don't have time for pickles.

191. I've got three vegetables and a drug addict

192. who'll say things will be different,

193. then try and take my watch again.

194. Dammit! Can't we just put a pillow

195. over his head and put him out of his misery?

196. Not gonna be necessary. His temperature's below 100.

197. Take him away.

198. Dr. Cox, how long has my little brother

199. had the desire to smother old people?

200. I feel I should warn Grandma.

201. Sounds dark, but you gotta deal with this place any way you can.

202. These are living, breathing people.

203. - I'm sorry. What do you do? - I tend bar.

204. Well, I'll tell you what, I'm gonna go ahead and worry about

205. how we do things around here,

206. but if I ever do need to find out

207. how to make a top-notch rum and coke,

208. by gum, mister, you had better be by the phone,

209. 'cause I just might give you a jingle. Brri-hing!

210. Hi, Dan. Coxaroonie.

211. Regarding the rum and coke issue,

212. couldn't be more confused.

213. We have another dog coming in.

214. Do you want him or the four cats next door?

215. I'll go with the dog. I don't know why, but all cats hate me.

216. If I ever make eye contact with them, they freak out.

217. OK.

218. Well, well, well.

219. Stop it, kitty. Get off me.

220. Not my pants.

221. You all suck!

222. Hi, sir.

223. Well, Dan, what can I say? It's been three days.

224. - Two days. - Feels like three.

225. Say hi to Wayne and good luck in the bumper-pool tournament.

226. Actually, J.D., I don't think I'm leaving.

227. Why?

228. 'Cause I'm worried about you.

229. Hanging with you today and watching you work,

230. the gomer talk and all the attitude,

231. I'm not so sure I like it.

232. It's definitely not my little brother.

233. You know what, Dan?

234. Once Dad left and Mom started marrying

235. everyone that rang the doorbell,

236. someone said how lucky I was to have an older brother.

237. But you never came through for me once, did you?

238. I called you because I'm in love with a girl

239. who's in love with someone else

240. and you responded by drinking my Baileys Irish Cream

241. and whining about Mom's new boyfriend.

242. You are a self-involved user, Dan,

243. and you wanna tell me what kind of person to be?

244. Instead, why don't you just get the hell out of my life?

245. But we're brothers. That counts for something, right?

246. Not to me.

247. Whenever there's an argument in my family,

248. it's a time-honored tradition to pretend nothing happened.

249. How are your chocolate chip flapjacks?

250. Chocolate chippity good.

251. - More whipped cream? - Bring it.

252. Mmmm!

253. I just want to say,

254. it's been great hanging with you.

255. Johnny, I know I don't say this nearly enough, but...

256. Coffee's kicking in. Back in just under four minutes.

257. Look, Carla. I cannot afford to be suspended right now.

258. I'm gonna have to resort to blackmail.

259. How we gonna blackmail Kelso?

260. No, no no, no. Unless you take the fall,

261. I tell Turk you're sleeping with someone.

262. Relax, Elliot. I have a secret weapon.

263. You saw nothing.

264. Thanks for loaning me this shirt, man.

265. I got a lot of compliments from the sisters.

266. Sharon, the security guard, even called me a cracker.

267. Dude, how many times I gotta tell you? bad.

268. Why aren't you at home apologizing

269. to your brother before he takes off?

270. Turk, you don't get it, man. Your family was there for you.

271. I love how kids of divorce swear they have the

272. market cornered on family dysfunction.

273. Let me share with you a typical Thanksgiving

274. at the Turk household.

275. Mom yells at my sister for yelling at my grandmother,

276. who's yelling at the TV, which is the microwave.

277. My militant brother Jabari, formerly Bob,

278. gives my father attitude for using the word "black",

279. though he's referring to the turkey,

280. which got burnt when instead of turning the oven off,

281. my bipolar Aunt Leslie tried to shove her head in it.

282. But we kiss and we hug and we apologize

283. for all the things we said, 'cause a month later

284. we're gonna get together and do it again at Christmas.

285. Now check the ball, cracker.

286. One nothing.

287. You're home now.

288. OK. I paged Dr. Kelso. Do you feel confident about this, Ted?

289. I'm not sure. I don't know what confidence feels like.

290. Afternoon, suspendees, Ted. Guess who's back from the vet?

291. One, two, three. What a boy!

292. Sir, about Nurse Espinoza and Dr. Reid's suspensions,

293. really, there aren't any grounds to punish them for moonlighting.

294. They weren't working with people, just animals.

295. Just animals? Please, this dog is smarter than most people.

296. He's definitely smarter than you.

297. Sir, I don't think...

298. Baxter, sit.

299. Ted, sit.

300. - Ted, you don't have to. - Shut up. I can win this.

301. Baxter, speak.

302. - Ted, speak. - Hellooooo!

303. Baxter, left foot.

304. Ted, left hand.

305. - Left hand, Ted. - Helloooo!

306. Baxter wins. He gets the desk. Baxter, go up.

307. Those are definitely broken. Why did you do that?

308. - Gee, I don't know. - Who are you?

309. - I'm waiting for my brother. - Isn't that perfect?

310. You send your brother in to do the dirty work, huh?

311. And with an open fly, no less.

312. Made you look. A twofer.

313. - Emergency room? - That way.

314. - So you taking off? - Yeah.

315. Look, Dan. I wanna apologize for everything I said.

316. I really like having you around.

317. - No, you don't. - I know.

318. I have dreams where I staple your fingers to your face.

319. But, honestly, you're my brother.

320. You can crash at my place as long as you like.

321. That's OK. I'll see you back home at Christmas.

322. Why are you here?

323. My boyfriend is in New Zealand.

324. If I don't moonlight, I'm never gonna see him.

325. My wedding's costing twice as much as

326. I thought it would, and I need the cash.

327. Baxter won't get out of my chair.

328. Dr. Kelso. Even though we're understaffed and underpaid,

329. I've been working here for ten years.

330. All day long, all I hear is, "Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla,

331. Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla."

332. Sir, what Carla is saying,

333. and not in any kind of crazy or rambling sort of way,

334. is we work hard here, but it's not the only thing in our lives.

335. You must know what it's like to love someone so much,

336. that you'd do anything you had to?

337. I'll see you two in the morning.

338. Get out of my office before I change my mind.

339. Darling, I wanna say something.

340. For the past 25 years, we've been going through the motions.

341. Once every couple of weeks we have sex,

342. and then we have breakfast without saying a word.

343. Tonight I want you to put on a nice dress.

344. I'm gonna take you to dinner and I'm gonna start telling you

345. all the things I haven't taken the time to say all these years.

346. I love you, too.

347. That was beautiful, sir.

348. Thanks, Ted. Call my wife. Tell her I won't be home tonight.

349. Hey! Dr. Cox.

350. Oh here, I'd been told you left. It made me happy.

351. You don't like me. People don't like me.

352. You know why? I'm a screw-up.

353. Always have been. Ever since we were kids.

354. My Mom made me walk Johnny to school first day every year.

355. Every year I'd walk him to the wrong school. Just 'cause.

356. Boy, that's a great story. Really.

357. And I'm sure you were just a horrible big brother.

358. But I'm afraid you have me confused

359. with somebody who gives a crap.

360. It's OK. You don't need to be embarrassed.

361. It happens all the time. For instance,

362. my father actually made the same mistake on his deathbed.

363. Hey listen, Dr. Cox. No offense.

364. I'm a big fan of the tough-guy act,

365. but let me tell you what I really think.

366. You love the fact that these kids idolize you. Johnny does.

367. Johnny was always the one in the family

368. we knew was going someplace.

369. Sweet kid. Smart kid. Becoming a doctor,

370. this is all he ever wanted.

371. Yet somehow you've found a way to

372. beat that out of him, haven't you?

373. Turned him into some kind of cynical guy

374. who seems to despise what he does.

375. Dr. Cox. Johnny's never gonna look up to me.

376. Ever. But he hangs on your every word.

377. So I'm asking... I'm telling you,

378. take that responsibility seriously,

379. stop being such a hard-ass,

380. otherwise you're gonna have to answer to me.

381. Love can give you strength you never knew you had.

382. It was good seeing you, Dr. Cox.

383. Good to see you, Dan.

384. All the best.

385. Love can also give you courage.

386. Lots of cats today. What's wrong with this guy?

387. I think he's got something stuck behind his big sharp tooth.

388. As for me, it's enough just to love my brother,

389. even though he'll never come up big for me.

390. Mr. Pickles, welcome back.

391. Here we go with this guy again.

392. Still, it sure is nice to be doing something you love.

393. I wouldn't trade it. What about you?

394. - No. - Don't forget that.

395. - Pickles. - Damn right, sir.

396. Damn right.