Scrubs 3x5

Directed by Marc Buckland

Sam Lloyd as Ted Buckland • Don Perry as Mr. Bober • Kattia Ortiz as Female Resident • Scott Rabideau as Male Resident • Tom Cavanagh as Dan Dorian

Dan decides to stay with J.D. for a while after their mom's new fiancé kicks him out, but after spending some quality time with him at the hospital, Dan isn't sure if he likes the cynical person his little brother has become. Elliot tries to deal with her own problems of a long distance relationship and decides to try moonlighting as a pet examiner with Carla to save up money.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Hospitals are hectic. But there's a certain time every morning,

2. after the bedpans have been emptied, that a calm washes over the place;

3. and you can't help but feel peaceful.

4. Holy Vishnu! Look, we've been working together a while, could you not whistle at me?

5. You're right, Newbie, we have been working together for a while.

6. Of course, I wouldn't know the exact number of days unless I consulted

7. my Friends For Life calendar that I keep taped inside my hope chest. Still...

8. I've learned to make Dr. Cox's rants work for me.

9. I catch up on paperwork; I look after patients...

10. Carla, can you check room air pulse ox on Mrs. Shipp?

11. You got it, Bambi.

12. I take care of those official things that just have to get done.

13. You're a jerk.

14. You're a jerk!

15. Long story short, there, Molly, I will always whistle at you

16. like you're a blonde with big bombs and I'm a construction worker just released from prison.

17. That clear?

18. Crystal!

19. Super!

20. Uh, listen, while I have you here — I'm applying for a fellowship,

21. and I could really use a letter of recommendation. I was thinking that,

22. when you wrote it, instead of using a girl's name you could refer to me as "Dr. Dorian."

23. I think it sounds a little more professional and, frankly, each time you call me a girl's name,

24. I die a little inside.

25. Look, Janice, Denise, Tiffany Amber Thiiiieeeessen! Lemme go ahead

26. and share a little something special with you that I like to call Perry's Perspective.

27. If someone's standing in front of me in line at the coffee shop and

28. they can't decide what they want in the half an hour it took to get to the register,

29. I should be allowed to kill them. I'm fairly sure if they took porn off the internet,

30. there'd only be one website left, and it'd be called "Bring back the porn!"

31. Three and most importantly of all: The only way to be respected as a doctor

32. nay, respected as a man — is to be an island; you are born alone, you damn sure die alone.

33. Isn't that right, spike?

34. The point is, and you just might want to jot this down: only the weak need help.

35. I should get that tattooed on my neck.

36. Good afternoon, Sacred Heart!

37. Hey! Your Chief of Medicine just said good afternoon, people!

38. Dr. Jeffrey Steadman, world-class suck-up.

39. Especially since the residency director position opened up.

40. Dr. Cox, you know Dr. Steadman.

41. You're a doctor? Here, all this time I had thought

42. that you were some kind of parasitic creature who lived shoulder-deep inside Big Bob's colon.

43. If only, sir.

44. Well, I'm off to fluid rounds.

45. To fluid rounds!

46. Mm! In the new Sea World dolphin show, Sean opens

47. with this impression of a blowfish that will totally crack you guys up! Show them.

48. What the hell, that's not funny! All he did was this

49. Hey, you're not doing it right.

50. It's never fun being the fifth wheel, especially when one of those wheels

51. is Elliot's boyfriend. Still, I had decided to take the high road.

52. Hey, J.D., is this regular? I asked you to bring me a diet.

53. That is diet...

54. I don't understand! I'm so careful about what I eat, I'm just keep putting on weight!

55. It's all the regular soda, Sean!

56. Enjoy.

57. Muahahahahahahaha!

58. All right, that's enough.

59. Scrubs 3x05 - My lucky night

60. So, I'm leaving the day after tomorrow, to work on this project studying

61. the fishing industry's impact on Maui dolphins. They're an endangered species;

62. if something isn't done soon they could actually be wiped off the face of the earth.

63. Fascinating stuff, Sean.

64. Oh, hey — I used to date that girl.

65. Hello, boys.

66. Hi, I'm Elliot. So, you guys used to date?

67. Nice to see you, Sean.

68. You, too, Mary... Angel... izabeth...?

69. Goodbye, boys...

70. You know, it's always awkward when you run into an ex, isn't it?

71. Tell me about it. I don't know how J.D. and Elliot do it.

72. Do what?

73. Oh, no! I've got to stop this! Kick him!

74. Oh!

75. You okay, baby?

76. Yeah...

77. How they have sex every year and still manage to stay friends...

78. We haven't actually had a chance to talk about that yet. But thank you.

79. Hey. C'mere a sec — we wanna do stuff to you.

80. Crap. The Janitor. And he's with Sloppy Joe Guy!

81. Okay, just distract them before they do whatever they've got planned!

82. We were thinkin'...

83. I've got a riddle for you!

84. This isn't how you said it would go.

85. Troy! We're listening.

86. Two coins add up to thirty cents and one of them is not a nickel.

87. So what are they?

88. It's a riddle. You figure it out.

89. Troy, get your hat. We're going to the bank.

90. Post-op diagnosis: acute cholecystitis.

91. Estimated blood loss: a hundred and fifty CCs and...

92. "I don't know much / but I know I love you ooh ooh ooh / And that may be all I need to"--

93. place a transfer to recovery room awake and stable.

94. Hey, baby!

95. Notice anything different?

96. Your tongue went counter-clockwise!

97. No!

98. Green scrubs!

99. I'm covering for one of the surgical nurses.

100. We could use the extra cash, plus we get to work side-by-side

101. for the next two whole days. Isn't that great!

102. So great!

103. Right?

104. So...

105. So, J.D. and I slept together. It's not that big a deal.

106. You know Betty from work — I see her every day, right?

107. How would you feel if I told you we slept together?

108. Well, I'd be disturbed, Sean, because Betty is a harp seal.

109. Yeah, but a harp seal who's smart, funny, and totally gets me!

110. Oh, my God! Is anyone in more hell than me right now?

111. Dude. We're goin' to the caf. So I can tell all the boys about my date

112. with Strangely Attractive Intern! You in?

113. I think that Turk is a little more mature than that.

114. She's right.

115. But still, honey, what I think you're missing here is that,

116. not only is she attractive, but she's strangely attractive.

117. Guys, I can't go!

118. "I'll miss you" high-five!

119. I know, isn't that a coincidence! Well, thank you for coming by!

120. I'm sure we're gonna be in touch with you real soon.

121. Our nanny just walked out the door. Gimme a break, she's experienced, she has great credentials...

122. Oh, no, no, she's got great, huge, perky credentials.

123. She's out. Besides, she's too expensive.

124. About that, now, I've actually been thinking about going after that residency director job.

125. Residency director?

126. Yeah-heah!

127. But Perry, you realize if you did that, you would be taking a positive step in your life.

128. I know.

129. First place we made love?

130. Oh, gimme a break. We've never..."made love".

131. Whew, it is you. I'm so proud I could poo.

132. Seriously, though, it's great! And it's a board decision, so I can help you out!

133. No, no!

134. Yes!

135. No! I'm serious, Jordan, I don't believe in it.

136. I'd make you swear on a Bible, but I know how contact with holy stuff makes your skin sizzle.

137. So just... promise me?

138. Oh, fine. No help.

139. Great.

140. Holy cow!

141. You're hired.

142. I cannot believe you're still angry about this.

143. I'm not angry.

144. DIE! DIE, DIE, DIE! ROT IN HELL!

145. I got it.

146. Okay, yes! J.D. and I work together! But it's not like we're crazy close!

147. I mean, it's not like we have all these inside jokes! And we definitely don't do this...

148. Good evening, Elliot! This is your great aunt Sally. Are you there?

149. I have to get that.

150. I guess you're at Sean's. Hey, good thing we're so crazy close,

151. or I wouldn't know how to impersonate your aunt Sally!

152. By the way, I ran into Eye Patch this morning — said to tell you, "Honka! Honka!"

153. It's just an inside... joke.

154. Doctors!

155. Okay, come on: Two coins. Thirty cents. No nickels.

156. Come on! You can do this! You went to Harvard, for God's sake!

157. Relax! I figured it out.

158. Okay... You gave me a penny... and... what appears to be a button,

159. on which you've written twenty-nine cents.

160. Can't we just kill him?

161. No, no, no... That's what he wants us to do.

162. Just a real nice helmet, there, princess.

163. Actually, it's not a helmet, it's a Hairmet

164. it has extra room so you don't mess up your hairdo.

165. Fair enough. I'm gonna go ahead and write you a prescription

166. for two testicles; and you feel free to get this filled out whenever you want

167. but right now, I'm goin' after that residency director gig,

168. and you're joining me for a really stupid board member meet-and-greet.

169. Will you write my recommendation?

170. Oh, hell no!

171. Goodbye.

172. Oh, gimme a break! I'll write whatever you want! Just... we gotta go.

173. Okay, fine. Lemme just fix my hair. Oh, wait!

174. I don't have to!

175. Oh, good God!

176. Scalpel.

177. Scalpel what?

178. Scalpel, please.

179. Here you go, baby. Dr. Baby.

180. Shall we proceed, Dr. Baby?

181. You know, Buppy, this guy looks a lot like your waxer!

182. The Todd says, What now?

183. Nothing! She meant her waxer, 'cause we're... We're working, guys.

184. No, no, no. I wanna hear this.

185. It's no big deal. I make Turk wax his chest so he doesn't give me a rash.

186. Oh, okay. Does she also make you wax your vagina?

187. Sterile high-five!

188. Are you even gonna talk to me?

189. I'm sorry, okay? I didn't tell you that I slept with J.D.

190. and that was a mistake. And, yes, we do talk all the time

191. and have all these inside jokes, and he met my great aunt Sally

192. when she came to the hospital with my demented great uncle who wears an eye patch

193. and goes "honka! honka!" when he poops.

194. And now you hate me.

195. Elliot, I don't hate you. Okay? I'm not even that mad at you.

196. You're not?

197. No. How do I explain this...

198. You know when you have really bad news to give to someone?

199. So you try to make them look like the bad guy

200. by taking a small thing and blowing it way out of proportion?

201. Totally. So glad that has nothing to do with us!

202. Elliot, the trip that I'm leaving on tomorrow...

203. it's actually a lot longer than I let on.

204. What, like three days?

205. No...

206. Four days?

207. Six months.

208. Five days?

209. Love your Hairmet.

210. Love yours!

211. It was amazing to see how much Dr. Cox actually wanted this job.

212. And how much he was willing to put up with to get it!

213. So, the wife and I ended up buying Egyptian cotton bed sheets!

214. Gee, you're too much. What's the thread count on those bad boys?

215. I guess it was just amazing to see how much he cared.

216. Gotta go.

217. Well, well, well... Snip my pickle and call me schlo-mo!

218. You're not actually applying for residency director.

219. Oh, I don't know, Bob. Here, I like to think I've accomplished

220. plenty of things much more difficult than this. Why, just yesterday morning

221. I somehow managed to hack into your voice-mail and change the outgoing message to,

222. "Hi, this is Big Bob. Why, I'm not in right now but, at the beep,

223. leave your name and your penis size!"

224. Perry, have you ever wondered why you've never risen above clinical staff

225. at this hospital? I mean, come on, pal, who do you think the board listens to

226. concerning promotions around here? Why don't I tell you after the beep?

227. Beeeeeeep.

228. Bob Kelso. Ten inches.

229. It's like a baguette!

230. Hi!

231. Hey.

232. I can't tell you how awesome it was just getting to be with you today and watch you work.

233. I know, right!

234. Yeah!

235. But you know what? Schmitty heard that Nurse Green's been dying to cover surgery,

236. and I said you wouldn't mind if she took your place tomorrow.

237. Because, between me and you, Schmitty's been trying to hit that for like a minute,

238. and I had to hook him up! You understand, right?

239. Sure. I'm... I'm glad we could help Schmitty hit that!

240. Yeah.

241. Relationships can be tricky. Especially the ones that have barely begun.

242. Look, Elliot, I'm crazy about you, but I've been going over this in my head all week.

243. I've been in a long-distance relationship before, and it was a disaster.

244. I've reached the point where I honestly believe a couple has a better chance

245. if they just cut the cord and know that if it's meant to be,

246. fate will bring them back together. You know?

247. Yeah... Totally...

248. It's typical. Elliot's in a relationship, so I can't stop thinking about her.

249. I just have to accept it and move on.

250. So I guess... I guess this is goodbye.

251. Good what?

252. Look, this doesn't have to be some huge sad thing, you know?

253. It's okay. They didn't see you.

254. What the...?

255. I know. It's just hard for me.

256. I'm gonna scrubs my hands and do the "scrub my hands" dance! Scrub my—

257. Christopher. I know it's a complicated procedure, but this afternoon

258. I want you to assist me on a gastric bypass.

259. Gastric bypass?

260. I'm goin' to the show?

261. Well, you've earned it — you really turned it up a notch in surgery yesterday.

262. I don't know if you had a lucky charm in that room, or what, but something was different.

263. Hey! Hey, Baby! What's up? You know, I've been thinking:

264. that was a lot of fun working together.

265. And how long you been thinking about that?

266. Ever since Dr. Wen offered me a gastric bypass because I was so amazing yesterday,

267. and I realized you're the reason why.

268. Really?

269. Yeah! Yeah. It's just like in high school — I had this girlfriend

270. who annoyed the crap out of me, but every time she came to one of my basketball games,

271. I played like crazy out of my mind because all of a sudden I was playing for her.

272. I wanted to make her proud. You understand what I'm saying?

273. You're saying I'm so annoying you can't stand working with me for even two days,

274. but now that you have something to gain, you want me back.

275. Exactly. Thank you!

276. I didn't hear an apology anywhere in there!

277. All I heard was nonsense.

278. The truth is, you never asked me how I felt about us working together.

279. Plus, you embarrassed me in front of my co-workers. You were a pain.

280. You know what? Maybe I was a pain, but do you know how many times

281. you're a pain and I just let it go? Like when we're at home and you follow me

282. from room to room, even when I go to the bathroom!

283. I like to be with you.

284. Pain!

285. Or how you've decided that me making eye contact with you is my way of saying,

286. "Please, grab my breasts."

287. Don't.

288. Or that Aaron Neville impression you've been working on?

289. I don't do an Aaron Neville impre...

290. Laverne!

291. But the biggest pain of all is that you know I'd go into

292. that operating room with you if you just apologized;

293. but you're too stubborn to do that, aren't you.

294. I am now!

295. Tell me this, there, pippy: Are you allergic to bee stings?

296. I don't know. Why?

297. Oh, it's just that it looks so painful and possibly infected that I must flick it!

298. You know what? Okay? This never would have happened

299. if my Hairmet hadn't gotten stolen at your stupid suck-up fest last night!

300. Now, I took the liberty of writing the recommendation you promised me.

301. All you have to do is sign right below where it says,

302. "He makes me proud to be a doctor," and right above where it says,

303. "P.S. He ain't too hard on the eyes, either!"

304. Tell you what, Newbie: This must be a very... very proud day for ya.

305. You can't make me feel guilty for asking for help.

306. That's just the way the world works, okay? And you know what?

307. Most people actually like helping out the people around them.

308. Take Carla, for instance! Don't you think she'd do anything in the world

309. to help out Turk, no matter what the situation?

310. Look! He didn't apologize! So just back the hell off, okay!

311. He messes up and I'm the one who gets...

312. Still, I don't even believe that you think asking for help makes you look weak.

313. I think you don't do it because you're afraid of putting yourself out there.

314. And that's why you're never gonna get anywhere.

315. Thank you for this!

316. Laverne, did you ever notice that in hospitals, even though you're surrounded

317. by like hundreds of people, it's still so easy to get lost in your own thoughts?

318. Have you been drinkin'?

319. What's wrong with me? Here I am trying not to let fear ruin my life anymore,

320. and then Sean moves away and I don't even have the guts to tell him how I feel.

321. how I feel. I mean, life's too short not to go for it with Elliot.

322. Plus, now Sean's out of the picture? Stop being such a chicken!

323. such a chicken! I know it's a complicated procedure,

324. but I can do it without Carla there! What am I so scared of?

325. what am I so scared of? That I might actually get this job, and have no one to blame it

326. on if I fail? Good Lord, I'm pathetic! When was the last time...

327. when was the last time he ever apologized for anything? I wanna help him, I do,

328. but in a lot of ways I guess I'm as stubborn as he is.

329. I wish I could make some sense out of...

330. I wish I could make some sense out of this. Thirty cents, to be exact.

331. Damn riddle! Easy, Janitor; you'll get this.

332. Sean! Sean!

333. Sorry!

334. No problem, little lady! I've never left a soul behind! Got your ticket?

335. No. No, I just

336. I just have to talk about

337. Hello.

338. Elliot?

339. Sean! Sean! Okay... Look, I know you hate long-distance relationships,

340. but six months is nothing! I mean, it'll be hard and we'd be going a long time without sex,

341. but I can totally go that long without sex! Sean, I am a sex camel!

342. Look, the point is I'm not ready for this relationship to end;

343. so, even if you break my heart right now, it's okay, because I'd regret it more

344. if I didn't take this shot. So, what do you say?

345. Hey. We solved your dumb game.

346. We been to the libary!

347. "-brary," Troy. "Li-BRAR-y."

348. Anyway, "What two coins, when you put 'em together,

349. makes thirty cents and one of them isn't a nickel?"

350. A penny and... a 1972 dime with a Roosevelt imperfection, today worth exactly twenty-nine cents.

351. Nope, nope, nope. The correct answer is: A quarter and a nickel.

352. No. Because you said one of 'em isn't a nickel.

353. Right. The other one is.

354. You lied to me.

355. No. It's a riddle.

356. Ooh! Your face is red! Like a strawbrerry!

357. Pride's a funny thing...

358. Don't have kids.

359. So, shall we all just agree that Dr. Steadman is our new residency director and get the hell out of here?

360. If anyone wants to stop by my condo to celebrate, my husband made sangria!

361. Howdy, fellas. Don't ya dare get up, I don't want to see any broken hips.

362. A lot of times, pride can be pretty hard to swallow.

363. Would you please help me?

364. So! I think we should make Perry residency director.

365. You honestly think the board would pick him because you had his love-baby?

366. Oh, I don't know... Of course, if they don't, I'm gonna bitch

367. and moan about it until these nice gentlemen are dead.

368. All those in favor of Dr. Cox?

369. So I guess this pretty much makes me your bitch now.

370. Oh, Perry, you always were.

371. Oh, golly, God!

372. But still, in a good relationship, pride never gets in the way.

373. Christopher, you okay? You look a little nervous.

374. He'll be fine.

375. Carla! Look, I...

376. You can tell me later.

377. Ohh... M'kay. Let's do this! Scalpel!

378. Scalpel what?

379. As for me, even if I wanted to put my pride on the line and go tell Elliot

380. how I feel, I can't — I have to work tonight.

381. Say, Newbie, seeing as you are partially responsible for me being

382. the new residency director, I'm gonna go ahead and give you the rest of the night off.

383. I don't know, it's just kind of my own personal way of saying...

384. I can't actually stand the sight of you. Ha!

385. I still don't think I should go see her.

386. Doctors Leeve and Winnerback, please report to the E.R. Leeve and Winnerback.

387. Here, buddy. Baby wasn't mine.

388. What the hell...?

389. It's a riddle! Two guys destroyed your bike with a crowbar and a bat.

390. One of 'em wasn't me!

391. Oh, J.D.!

392. Elliot, there's something I have to tell you.

393. Hey, buddy!

394. Sean's taking a later flight to Sea World because he decided

395. to make this long-distance thing work!

396. I'm so happy, I can't stop crying!

397. Oh, those are nice!

398. Ohh, these? I thought Elliot would be sad with you guys splitting up, so I just wanted to...

399. Oh, that's so sweet! You can just put them next to Sean's.

400. Yeah.

401. Okay... I'm not sure they...

402. You okay?

403. Yeah...

404. Not sure they can... reach the water, but...

405. J.D.?