1. Today started out
like any other day.
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2. Ohh. Dolphins won again.
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3. - Oh. Tcheh.
- Here you go.
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4. I'm gonna be hearing
about this all day.
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5. Dr. Cox and Jordan
are still looking for a pediatrician.
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6. This time, try not to scare off
the doctor?
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7. I did not scare off
the last guy.
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8. You bit him.
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9. I tripped, and my teeth
hit his shoulder.
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10. Uh-huh, and once
that happened,
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11. did you clamp down a little bit?
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12. Jordan?
Oh, you come on!
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13. Well, he had a bad attitude.
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14. So, Zachary,
remember what Mr. Cookiepants
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15. always says about
blowing your nose...
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16. What do you want?
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17. Well, we're looking for
a new pediatrician for our son.
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18. And you figured that even
though my patient load is full,
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19. since you're on
the board of directors
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20. and Dr. Cox here is not only
an attendee at the hospital
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21. but also an internationally
renowned pain in the ass,
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22. you both could show complete
disregard for my schedule
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23. and make me want to cause
you grievous bodily harm
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24. even before we've been
properly introduced.
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25. Hello. I'm Dr. Norris.
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26. Charmed.
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27. Like I said,
same old, same old.
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28. You drew on the wall.
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29. You drew on the wall.
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30. You pulled the paper away!
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31. Stop lyin'.
It's gonna come off, right?
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32. Dan, don't!
That's dad's indelible space pen,
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33. and prom is in, like, 2 weeks!
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34. Good evening,
Mr. and Mrs. Shepherd.
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35. I'm here to pick up Amy for...
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36. Prom.
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37. Yeah, that...
that'll come off.
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38. You won't have
to get laser surgery
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39. or skin from your ass
or anything.
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40. Mmm?
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41. Ohh, come on!
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42. In a hospital,
lots of things last longer
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43. than you wish they would.
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44. Especially certain
stupid relationships
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45. with stupid sea world trainers
who stole my stupid girl.
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46. Well, I've, uh—ahem.
I've got whales to train.
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47. Stupid whales.
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48. Hey, Sean.
Right on, brother.
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49. - Bye.
- Bye.
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50. Where the hell are my interns?
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51. As third-year residents,
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52. you really have to stay
on top of your interns.
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53. These right here,
you see these names?
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54. They are called patients!
This one needs brain work!
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55. - This one needs a heart!
- This guy needs courage.
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56. Helping or hurting, J.D.?
Helping or hurting?
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57. The point is they can live or die
based on your lame-ass post-ops.
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58. So please, people,
shape the hell up!
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59. Yes, Dr. Turk.
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60. Dr. Jerk.
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61. The girl one just called you
"Dr. Jerk."
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62. No sweat. You should hear
what they call Dr. Mickhead.
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63. What?
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64. I decided to take a different
tack with my interns.
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65. Look, guys,
I'm not here to overwork you.
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66. Ok, I'm not—I'm not
just your resident.
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67. I'm your buddy!
I'm your go-to guy!
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68. I'm J.D.
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69. Of course, my tack
had its own drawbacks.
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70. But it is crucial I have everyone
here at 9 A.M. Sharp tomorrow, ok?
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71. Oh. Uh, is it cool
if I come in at 9:30?
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72. Absolutely. Anyone
else need to be late?
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73. I can't. Bad for me.
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74. Ok, well, why don't
we just make it 10:00, then?
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75. Ok? Break!
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76. - I can be here at 9:00.
- But I said 10:00!
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77. I guess everyone
has their own style.
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78. Today for lunch
the cafeteria has—
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79. Bruce, name a manifestation
of normal pressure hydrocephalus!
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80. - Urinary incontinence.
- Hell, yes, Bruce!
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81. Go place a Foley Cath on bed 4.
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82. As for the rest of team "e,"
I'm—
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83. Well, if it isn't Dr. Haircut
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84. and her not-ready-for-prime-time
players.
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85. Actually, sir, we rock, so feel free
to sit back and enjoy the show.
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86. Well, don't worry about it, son.
Those things are a dime a dozen.
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87. - Really?
- In fact, if you get bored,
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88. why don't you just hijack
an ice cream truck
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89. and drive it through our
brand-new pathology lab?
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90. But do me a favor and
spare the paper shredder,
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91. because I'll need that to turn
your next 12 paychecks
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92. into a clown wig you can wear
for the rest of your internship.
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93. Dr. Reid, you may have
an exciting new look
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94. and a boyfriend who smells
vaguely like my tackle box,
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95. but I remain,
as always, underwhelmed.
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96. I think, Dr. Norris,
what we're looking for
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97. is someone who's
not too alarmist
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98. but also not too lax, either.
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99. Oh, God,
please let that someone be me.
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100. Look, you're obviously
a little busy with your doll.
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101. My doll!
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102. It's a collectible.
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103. Someone's gonna get his ass bit.
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104. Right. I think we should
probably take off.
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105. We're gonna be back to you
with our decision.
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106. Super. I'll be by my giant
pretend phone
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107. pretending to give a crap.
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108. - Oh, by the way, uh—
- Brring!
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109. Hello?
Gotta take it.
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110. Uh-huh.
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111. I love him.
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112. Of course you do.
He's you,
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113. and nobody loves you more than you.
You know that.
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114. Yeah, but still, he is the
best pediatrician on staff
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115. and since we both work here,
we can have a lot of pull over him.
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116. I mean, come on, Jordan!
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117. You haven't let me make
one decision about our son,
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118. which is why, by the way,
you'll be doing the answering
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119. when he asks why daddy's wee-wee
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120. doesn't have a turtleneck
on it like his.
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121. - Yeah, fine. Whatever you say.
- Hey, Carla.
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122. Hey, I had to redo the N.G. Tube
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123. one of your nurses
put on Mrs. Himmel,
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124. so if you could
spread the word
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125. to leave that to me and
my guys, it would be great.
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126. Oh, no problem, Bambi.
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127. Oh, but the reason
my nurses had to do that
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128. is because none of
your interns know how,
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129. so if you keep
flapping your mouth
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130. without knowing all the facts,
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131. I'm gonna see
if I can fit my foot in it.
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132. Ok. Good talk.
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133. Brian, you know how to place
an N.G. Tube, don't you?
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134. You did it for me both times.
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135. Jimmy, didn't you
do one yesterday?
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136. No, you let me go home 'cause
I forgot to set my TiVo
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137. for the Styx: Behind the music.
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138. Do not miss that!
It's awesome! Seth?
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139. That was when I realized
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140. what I had turned
my interns into.
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141. Bruce, this is gonna be your
third Foley Cath in a row.
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142. You can do this.
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143. You didn't need
to page me 17 times
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144. between the time I bought
the rum raisin muffin
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145. and then threw it away because
alcoholism runs in my family.
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146. After this morning,
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147. I just wanted to make sure
that I really have this down.
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148. - What are you doing?
- It's just a nervous habit.
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149. It helps me concentrate.
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150. Yeah, well, you know
what helps me concentrate?
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151. - Me not doing that?
- No. Bunnies.
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152. Say, I don't wanna embarrass
you there, big Jack,
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153. but, uh, you've got a little
something on your face.
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154. Hardly notice it.
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155. What was that?
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156. I mean, come on, Jordan.
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157. Don't tell me you're gonna be
one of those parents
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158. who makes a big deal out
of every single cough.
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159. Look out, Mickhead!
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160. Uh! Ow!
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161. Ok, tough guy.
Good night.
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162. What the—?
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163. Maybe I diluted
this too much.
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164. Aah!
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165. Well, can't blame
the cleanser.
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166. Even though my interns sucked,
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167. I decided to turn it
into a positive.
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168. Elliot, I need some pointers
on how to deal with my interns.
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169. Aah!
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170. Hey, Doug.
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171. Anyway, do you think
we could, like,
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172. meet up after work or something?
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173. Sure. What did you have in mind?
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174. Uhh! Uhh!
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175. Nothing major.
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176. You know, Benjamin,
it's not a bad thing
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177. that you play with it, it's just that
your mom wants you
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178. to take breaks for meals.
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179. Jack here,
Jack here's got a cough,
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180. and on account of the
meconium problem he had at birth,
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181. I'm thinking it
just might be pneumonia.
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182. Benjamin, take this cup.
Fill her up, all right?
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183. What in the hell do you think
you are doing,
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184. you arrogant, son of a bitch?
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185. If you ever interrupt
an exam of mine again,
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186. I will personally
take my stethoscope
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187. and shove it up your—
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188. Benjamin. What happened?
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189. - I don't have to go.
- That happens to the big boys, too.
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190. Try again. Go on.
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191. - Is his temperature under 100.5?
- Barely.
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192. Eating, peeing, pooing?
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193. Sometimes all at the same time.
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194. Come on,
it's a really persistent cough.
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195. What do you say?
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196. Office hours.
Tomorrow, 5:00. Bye-bye.
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197. I'm gonna go ahead and
put this in a language
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198. that you can understand.
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199. You had better
see my son now,
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200. or I'm gonna kick your ass.
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201. Ohh.
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202. Ok, here she comes.
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203. Don't be over-eager.
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204. - Elliot! Over here!
- Hey.
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205. - Wow. You look great.
- Thanks.
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206. Oh, hey, J.D.
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207. Hey, Sean's here, everybody.
Hey, Sean. Hey!
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208. You know, since he's a trainer,
Sean is really good
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209. with behavior and communication.
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210. I mean, he helped me
so much with my interns
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211. that I thought maybe
he could help you with yours.
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212. Ok, stay calm.
At least she's here, too.
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213. Oh, Bruce again. Got to go.
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214. - Mm-mmm. Bye.
- Bye.
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215. This'll be fun.
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216. And just like that
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217. I had another rough night
ahead of me.
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218. At least I wasn't the only one.
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219. You paged me for another
Foley Catheter?
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220. I'm great at these now.
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221. - Oh.
- Just watch this one.
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222. Don't mind if I do.
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223. Yep,
it's gonna be a long night.
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224. I'm right here, Bruce.
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225. Hello, David.
I've been expecting you.
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226. Yeah, I just thought
I'd come by
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227. and play with some
of your stuffed animals.
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228. And I know, I know,
they're "for the kids".
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229. Also, I wanted to let you know
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230. that I will be bringing
my son by this morning.
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231. Yeah, I don't think so there, chief.
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232. - Where's Mr. Cookiepants?
- Oh, que pasa?
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233. I said where's
Mr. Cookiepants?
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234. He's in a safe place, Dave.
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235. If you touch one hair
on his head,
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236. I swear to God, I'll inject your kid
with chickenpox.
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237. - No, you won't.
- I know.
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238. For God's sake,
it's an innocent doll!
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239. No, David.
It's a collectible.
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240. Whatever.
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241. This kid's a good doctor,
he just falls apart
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242. every time Kelso looks
over his shoulder.
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243. Why don't you just tell
Kelso to back off?
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244. I've taken a lot of
positive steps this year,
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245. but when it comes to
standing up to Kelso,
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246. I just can't get over
that hump yet.
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247. - He's like my white whale.
- Mine's Frank.
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248. Oh, no.
I meant like in Moby Dick.
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249. Kelso is a giant pain in my ass.
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250. Oh. Well...
'Cause I love Frank.
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251. Just he can drive me crazy
every now and then.
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252. Every day!
Every day!
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253. Every day.
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254. Hey, J.D., I was thinking
we'd start out by me, you know,
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255. watching how you interact
with your interns.
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256. Your brain's gonna tell you
to be a little self-conscious,
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257. but you just need to ignore
the voice in your head.
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258. Kick him in the crotch and run.
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259. I'll try, Sean.
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260. Be nice to the teacher, ok?
I'm sleeping with him.
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261. Oh, my God.
I haven't said that since college.
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262. Norris isn't budging.
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263. He just moved the appointment
back to 6:00, the rat bastard.
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264. Watch your language
in front of the kid,
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265. you stupid Mickey-fickey!
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266. - What?
- See I am adapting.
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267. You, on the other hand are behaving
like a complete lunatic.
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268. No, I'm not.
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269. - Carla.
- Hmm?
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270. You're one of them
bossy-pants types
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271. who always tells
people their problems
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272. whether they ask for it
or not, right?
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273. I like to think I've learned
when to hold back.
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274. You're in. You've totally lost sight
of what's important here.
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275. You are a parent now, ok?
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276. You don't come first anymore.
No.
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277. You've got to do
what's best for your son,
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278. even if it means sucking up
to the one doctor on earth
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279. who's more obnoxious
than you are.
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280. - Well...
- Oh, my God.
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281. I love doing that so much,
it makes my hands shake a little.
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282. So how are your
interns doing?
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283. It still burns a little,
but at least I can hear ok.
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284. Fantastic, sport,
but that's the brachial artery,
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285. and it's not
how we draw blood.
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286. Now, if we need to
inject him with heroin,
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287. you'll be the first one I call.
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288. - Dr. Kelso—
- What is it, Dr. Reid?
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289. - Do you have something to say?
- No.
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290. You know something?
You remind me of her so much,
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291. you're just a breakdown
in the supply closet away
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292. from being the same person.
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293. Brian, if you're having that much
trouble with your case report,
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294. I'll be glad to take
a look at it for you, pal.
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295. Cool. Try to have it
back by 5:00.
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296. Ok, I have a lot of
things to do, but...
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297. J.D., can I offer a
little constructive criticism?
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298. Kick him in the crotch,
damn it! The crotch!
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299. You're worried so much about
whether your interns like you or not
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300. that I don't think
they respect you very much.
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301. I had one of mine run out this
morning and get me some dome wax.
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302. - Check it, zing!
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303. It's really shiny.
- Yeah!
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304. You know, I had the same problem
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305. when I started working
with the dolphins.
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306. Ok, that's it. I'm sorry.
Sean, I'm a doctor, ok?
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307. I'm teaching humans,
not dolphins, ok?
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308. So it isn't really helpful for me
to know what works on fish.
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309. They're mammals,
actually.
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310. Ho, ho, well! Sean!
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311. Unfortunately for me,
my interns aren't mammals!
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312. - J.D., they are.
- I don't care, Sean.
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313. Come on, Turk!
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314. Just wanted you to know I don't have
a problem with you.
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315. I just can't resist
a good storm-off.
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316. Oh. Who can?
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317. Stain, I won't lie to ya.
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318. This is gonna hurt a little bit.
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319. - Why don't you just paint over it?
- Hmm.
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320. You believe that crap
Sean was saying?
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321. He was right.
Even in college,
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322. you cared way too much
about everybody liking you.
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323. Hey, who wants to
help me move?
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324. Me.
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325. J.D., could you walk
my dog tonight
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326. while I have casual sex
with your friend Miguel?
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327. Love to!
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328. Hey, who wants
to help me move back?
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329. I know where it all goes.
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330. Think about it, man.
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331. Cox has taught you the most
since you've been here, right?
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332. Do you really think he gives a damn
whether you like him or not?
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333. - I like to think so.
- Outta my way, space waster.
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334. I felt the love.
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335. Catch him and
kick him in his junk!
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336. Enjoy.
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337. I didn't cut the hand off.
I used a different puppet for that.
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338. If you want, you can give that
one to me, and I can fix it.
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339. And have it. For the kids.
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340. Disturbing fetishes aside,
I feel like I owe you an apology
Copy !req
341. on account of acting
like a jackass,
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342. but I don't think that my son should
be the one who has to pay for it.
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343. You actually think that I
would endanger the health of a child
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344. because you're a jackass?
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345. Look, buddy, most of the parents
I deal with are jackasses.
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346. Now, don't get me wrong.
You're in the top 5.
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347. - Thank you!
- You're welcome.
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348. So the reason
why I've yet to see your child
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349. is because he has the sniffles.
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350. - The sniffles.
- The sniffles!
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351. Look, you're a doctor.
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352. You have what I like to call
the burden of knowledge.
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353. You're gonna be worse than
every parent who freaks out
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354. because their kid eats playdough,
why?
Copy !req
355. Because you've seen too much.
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356. You've seen what can
really go wrong.
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357. And if you don't get a handle
on that, it's gonna crush you.
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358. - You have kids?
- One.
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359. She hates dolls.
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360. - Boy, that's a bummer.
- Tell me about it.
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361. That's horrible work.
Horrible!
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362. Dr. Kelso,
I do have something to say.
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363. Remember earlier you asked me
if I had something to say?
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364. - No.
- Well, you did.
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365. And the reason that I came back here
is because you said
Copy !req
366. that Bruce and I are alike, and
you know what? You're right.
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367. Because you're treating him
the exact same way you treated me
Copy !req
368. when I first got here.
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369. Dr. Kelso, you only judge us by these
20-minute pressure-filled windows
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370. that you see us through twice a week.
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371. You never get to know us
or how hard we really work,
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372. because if you did you'd realize
Copy !req
373. that a lot of the times when we fail,
it's not our fault.
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374. It's yours.
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375. Is that how you feel,
future dentist?
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376. Well...
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377. Sometimes you make me
feel like,
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378. I can't do anything well,
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379. - and I can do lots of things well.
- Like what?
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380. I'm a pretty solid
human beat box.
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381. Bruce, I think he was talking
about medical things.
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382. No, no. I'd like to hear him
demonstrate this beef box thing.
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383. Ok. Uh...
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384. I guess this one goes out
to my boy Wayne in room 302.
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385. He has fluid in his lungs.
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386. He's got fluid.
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387. He's got fluid.
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388. Young man, enjoy your moment.
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389. Oh, my God, Bruce,
that was amazing!
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390. - Where did you learn how to do that?
- In temple.
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391. You're right.
I can totally see my reflection.
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392. Tell your friends, baby.
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393. Hey, Sean. You were right
about me and my interns.
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394. I guess I owe you an apology.
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395. Damn straight you do.
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396. You know what your
problem is, Bambi...
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397. Oh, Turk, please.
Just one more second.
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398. I need the rush. Please.
I'm comin' back for you.
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399. J.D., it's no big deal.
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400. We both know that
it wasn't about that.
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401. You like Elliot.
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402. - Sorry.
- Don't sweat it.
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403. You're not pissed off?
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404. I'd be pissed off.
Why aren't you pissed off?
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405. I don't know.
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406. I guess I just... I don't see you
as that much of a threat.
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407. Oh. Cool.
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408. I don't care.
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409. All that matters is finding
a way to sleep at night.
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410. Whether it's finally standing
up to your white whale...
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411. Painting over your black spot.
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412. Or imagining Shamu
taking Sean's arm off.
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413. You don't need a doctor to tell you
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414. that a good night's sleep
can fix almost anything.
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415. He's got fluid
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