Scrubs 3x21

Directed by Randall Keenan Winston

Robert Maschio as Todd • Aloma Wright as Laverne Roberts • Freddy Rodríguez as Mark • Larry Thomas as Larry • Tara Reid as Danni

J.D. is unsure what to do, when he realizes he made a mistake telling Elliot he loved her. The Janitor squares off against Dr. Cox after he loses the election of the janitors to Randall. Carla's brother Marc constantly puts Turk in a tough situation, when Turk forgets to write his wedding vows.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. I'm a sick man. Last night, after three years of chasing Elliot,

2. I convinced her to dump her perfect boyfriend and then immediately realized I don't want her.

3. What the hell's wrong with me?

4. Luckily she doesn't have to get up until 9 and she's an incredibly heavy sleeper.

5. Ooh! Ooh! Ooog!

6. An incredibly heavy sleeper.

7. Wow.

8. I knew I needed to talk this over with someone who understood me.

9. Someone I had recently been intimate with.

10. Yeah?

11. Okay, not him.

12. J.D., this is Larry. Larry, this is J.D.

13. I think I'll go put on some underwear.

14. Please, Larry!

15. What the hell you doing with that guy?

16. I don't know. I thought it'd be cool to date a celebrity.

17. He's not a celebrity!

18. Wait a second!

19. Are you the Soup Nazi from 'Seinfeld'?

20. No.

21. Say the soup thing.

22. No!

23. Dammit!

24. Turk! We're getting married tomorrow!

25. Yeah...

26. Why aren't you excited?

27. 'Cause, baby, we've been here for an hour and you've already said it like thirteen times.

28. But we're getting married tomorrow!

29. Have you been working on your vows?

30. Define "work."

31. It's the difference between special birthday sex and no sex on our wedding night.

32. Yeah, I do like the special birthday sex.

33. Turk, when I asked you if you wanted to write your own vows, you said yes.

34. Baby, I'm on top of it, all right? I promise you this weekend'll go off without a hitch!

35. Oh, hey, how did it go picking up my brother at the airport this morning?

36. I'm sorry, what?

37. How could you forget him!

38. You two have enough trouble getting along as it is!

39. Baby, I'm joking!

40. Aww.

41. Hey, Marco! The invites said no dates!

42. No da—...

43. Look, Danni, the reason I'm here is

44. well, first of all I wanted to give you back your skull lighter.

45. Secondly, you always seem to have some insight in to why I'm so messed up.

46. I mean here I-I chase after Elliot for three years, now I don't want her!

47. Well maybe it's 'cause you idealize women and no one can live up to your standards.

48. Why would I idealize women?

49. What's your mom like?

50. I love you, honey.

51. You're the smartest, handsomest, sweetest boy in the whole world.

52. And no matter how hard you look, you will never find a woman who'll love you as much as I do.

53. I know, Mommy.

54. My mom is perfect.

55. Look, kid, you're just confused.

56. All you need to do is focus on the little things you love about her.

57. Like... the way she puts out a cigarette...

58. or how when she finishes a beer, she looks inside the can just to check if there's any left.

59. Hm?

60. Sweetie, it's 5 to 9, and my Denver omelet's not gonna make itself.

61. It's 5 to 9? I gotta go!

62. Oh, he is so the Soup Nazi! Trick him!

63. What is it again? It's like, you're out of luck in the soup department?

64. NO SOUP FOR YOU!

65. Ha! Rad.

66. Oooog! Ow!

67. What are you doing?

68. Just lying here, watching you sleep.

69. Awww.

70. I don't think my hang-up with Elliot has anything to do with my sexy, amazing mom.

71. And I'm not that much of a commitophobe.

72. Maybe I just don't feel I deserve someone as great as Elliot because I have low self-esteem.

73. Do you know that you have really nice hands?

74. "Nice"? Elliot, these are the hands of a god!

75. Heh!

76. Fine, so it's not the self-esteem thing.

77. Then Elliot and I got to witness an event that many had spoken of, but none had ever seen.

78. The arrival of the janitors!

79. Good morning!

80. Is it? Is it really?

81. No, I was—I was kidding.

82. I'd stay out of his way today. He just lost the election for union president.

83. Who won?

84. Congratulations, sir.

85. Hey.

86. Welcome to work, boys! Be the best janitors you can be today!

87. No hard feelings, brah.

88. Oh, there's hard feelings.

89. Grrrrrrrrrrr... hah! Eh?

90. All right.

91. Nyah! What the? Oh! It's like a mechanical vice!

92. Change is good.

93. Sweetheart, I slept like a log.

94. Really. See, I didn't notice, 'cause I was up all night with Jack.

95. Tell me this: How do you not scare him when you go in there?

96. Do you wear a nanny mask, or do you just slap on a nametag that says "Hi, I'm your mommy"?

97. I refuse to be judged by a grown man wearing a hockey jersey.

98. Which reminds me — Jimmy's mom called,

99. and if you guys win the big game today, she's gonna take everybody to Chuck E. Cheese!

100. Say the word and I'll go out and buy a whole new wardrobe;

101. and to pay for it we'll just sell one of your shoes!

102. Great! We made him cry!

103. If we keep this up, we're gonna scar him for life!

104. I don't necessarily buy into all that new agey crap.

105. One time I saw my mom knock my father unconscious with a frying pan.

106. You know what I did? I kept right on going with my birthday party.

107. I am not fighting with you anymore. Ever!

108. How 'bout this way: I love that you get cold when it's seventy-one degrees out.

109. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich.

110. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts.

111. I love that after I spend a day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes.

112. And I love that you are—

113. TuPac! I was watching that!

114. Dude! I gotta do my vows!

115. Oh, come on, man! That was 'When Harry Met Sally' — it was a classic!

116. Oh, yeah, dude! You know, I was gonna rent that the other night,

117. but then I remembered I'm a heterosexual.

118. Too bad you couldn't remember to go to the airport.

119. You told her?

120. Yes, Turk, he did.

121. Now, if you two can stop your petty crap for just one second,

122. maybe we can focus on what this wedding weekend is supposed to be about.

123. Love.

124. No! ME! Promise me you'll get along.

125. Okay.

126. Idiot.

127. Tattletale.

128. Get outta my face.

129. What?

130. I'm just saying the next person that gets in my face is gonna wish they hadn't.

131. Sociopath!

132. Catch me, stud!

133. You know, most guys woulda caught me.

134. I love that you didn't!

135. Oh! Cool!

136. Maybe Elliot's just not the right fit for me. I mean, I'm the kinda guy who likes stupid movies.

137. Hey, let's rent 'Kangaroo Jack' tonight!

138. And I have uncontrollable hostility towards small rodents.

139. Or we could just go shoot rats at the dump!

140. Dammit, she's perfect on paper! What the hell's wrong with me?

141. What?

142. Nothing. I just love the way you drift off in your head sometimes.

143. I guess the Soup Nazi was right, it is the little things that are important.

144. Like when Elliot blows the bangs out of her face.

145. Or how she's the only person I know who sneezes with her eyes open.

146. Atchoo. Ahem. 'Scuse me.

147. And that's when I realized that I really liked all those things about Elliot, but I didn't love them...

148. and I didn't love her.

149. You're the best.

150. See you later.

151. Oh, boy.

152. Oh, my God! That board meeting went on forever!

153. It was so dull, I had to read pamphlets just to stay awake.

154. Good news is? Don't have testicular cancer.

155. Tell me, did ya happen to come across any pamphlets on people who

156. only work eight days a year and then spend the other 357 whining about it?

157. What part of "I'm not fighting with you anymore" do you not get?

158. If you want someone to fight with, you have to find someone else. Mm-hmm.

159. Oh, good. Here you're wetting down the floor for the older folks.

160. Please say that you're talking to me.

161. I don't see anybody else around, soap jockey.

162. Chew louder.

163. Turk, I need your help, man. It's about Elliot.

164. Why, did you sleep with her again?

165. How does everybody know about this?

166. Turk, I'm not in love with her, man. What am I supposed to do?

167. It's killing me that I could be hurting her.

168. You're a very loud chewer.

169. Dude, I would love to help right now, but I'm in the middle of writing my vows.

170. And all I've got so far is, "Let's give it up for the caterers!

171. WOO! Good chicken!"

172. So now that you're gettin' married, it's all about you.

173. No, now that I'm getting married tomorrow, it's about me.

174. Ooh, still seems that you can take a minute for a friend.

175. I know!

176. Shut up, Marco!

177. That was a mistake.

178. Why's that? Because you're afraid you can't take me?

179. Nnnooo. It's 'cause of this. Boys!

180. You know where to take him.

181. Where to take me?

182. Wait, who's taking me wh—? Maintenance? Maintenance? Uh-oh.

183. We-hey. ___ now. The maintenance brothers!

184. That was Father Paul. He said we can't read our own vows,

185. we have to use the same Catholic ones like everyone else.

186. No!

187. Yeah.

188. Noooo!

189. Aw, baby, Carla, that sucks. 'Cause you know,

190. I was gonna totally blow you away.

191. Since you guys worked so hard,

192. why don't you just read 'em at the rehearsal dinner tonight?

193. That's a fantastic idea!

194. Isn't it, Turk?

195. Super!

196. Awesome! I'm gonna go work on them some more.

197. Unfortunately for me, I wasn't in love with Elliot.

198. But I'm a man, and even though it was gonna be tough, I knew exactly what I had to do.

199. Ready to go? I say we pick up some Chinese and hang at home tonight.

200. Awesome!

201. I was going to stay with her for the rest of my life.

202. Once you embrace a relationship and decide that you're really in,

203. everything becomes easier. And I am in, baby!

204. So, my parents are coming to town next week.

205. We must eat with them!

206. Oh. All right.

207. Hey, Elliot. Thanks for letting me crash at your place

208. while Carla's family's in town for the wedding.

209. Oh, it's not problem. See ya, roomie.

210. And now we live together.

211. What the?

212. Sheila!

213. Aaagh!

214. Lgh mm ogh rm um ghna kghl ghu!

215. I can only assume you're saying "Let me out or I'm gonna kill ya" — not gonna happen.

216. Listen, I'm in a rare position of power here, okay?

217. So I'm only gonna let you out if you admit that you're my mentor.

218. I know! I know that makes you angry, but—

219. Uh-oh!

220. Okay! Okay! You know, I'm fine the other way! However you wanna do—

221. Dr. Cox.

222. Why is your mouth red?

223. Duct-taped two hours in a morgue drawer;

224. don't piss off the Janitor; end of story.

225. 'Kay... I'm ordering more pens. Do you like twisty bottoms or clicky tops?

226. I can't imagine anything I care less about.

227. Damn these twisty bottoms. We need some more clicky tops.

228. Not gonna happen, Bob.

229. Here I just told Carla to order a hundred thousand twisty bottoms.

230. Nice face. But can't you just order a box of clicky tops for me?

231. No, Bob. Everybody gets the same.

232. Fine. I'll just take these.

233. You just bought yourself four weekends on call!

234. Damn twisty bottoms!

235. You just said you didn't care. Why are you fighting?

236. I can't stop!

237. Baby, you mean so much to me. That's why you my baby.

238. And, yeah, there were babies before you, but I promise you, baby,

239. you will be my baby forever, baby.

240. Stop saying "baby"!

241. You're not even dressed yet! We gotta pick up Carla on the way, man!

242. You know what, tell her I couldn't come up with anything, so I guess I don't love her.

243. Gimme that.

244. For what?

245. I'm gonna write your vows for you.

246. Ooh! A clicky top!

247. Does this mean we're amigos?

248. No. It means that I love my sister, and she deserves to hear something beautiful said about her.

249. And I'm positive if your life was on the line,

250. you couldn't squeeze one eloquent coherent thought out of that tether ball you call a head!

251. Thank you!

252. God, I can't remember the last time I saw you in this suit and tie.

253. How can you not remember that time we were with those—

254. Oh, God! With the two guys!

255. —the two guys, and their mom was trying to sing that song!

256. It was so funny!

257. So funny.

258. Till they had to... put their horse down.

259. Oh, yeah...

260. Poor Cinnamon.

261. He could run like the wind, but his tail couldn't put out that fire.

262. Yeah.

263. God, we have so much history together.

264. So great to finally be able to call you my boyfriend.

265. Boyfriend?

266. Oh, should I not have said that?

267. No it's just... it's nice to hear it out loud.

268. And it was nice.

269. I mean, here I was having my tie tied by this beautiful woman who happened to be one of my closest friends,

270. and I realized that this is what a relationship is supposed to feel like.

271. There. It's perfect.

272. Yeah, it is.

273. What's going on with you?

274. Let's see, Jordan and I aren't, uh... we're not fighting anymore.

275. Oh, no.

276. How long has this been going on?

277. Since the baby came along we've been fighting less and less.

278. Why don't you get a hotel room?

279. Pour some nice champagne, get in a tub, and rip each other new ones.

280. You know, make it special.

281. She won't go for that!

282. Well, you have to do something.

283. No I don't, you jackass!

284. Ha ha! Sweetie, you ain't getting any here. I'm getting married tomorrow.

285. Please?

286. No. No. No.

287. And most of all, I wish our mom was with us tonight.

288. Not because she was taken too early, but because she would see how happy you've made me,

289. and she would love you forever for that.

290. And Christopher—

291. Yes?

292. —I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, but you've managed to erase them all,

293. because each and every one of them has led me to you.

294. Wow. That's a hard act to follow.

295. Carla, I love that you get cold when it's seventy-one degrees out.

296. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich.

297. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts.

298. Yeah, like you got right now! Just like that one!

299. I love that you're the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night.

300. Turk!

301. Dude, I'm workin' here.

302. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's our rehearsal dinner.

303. I came here tonight because, when you realize you wanna spend the rest of your life with someone,

304. you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

305. Turk.

306. Yeah, baby?

307. That's the speech from 'When Harry Met Sally'.

308. Those pants make your ass look giant.

309. Stop doing this.

310. I'm doing it for us. You suck at Scrabble.

311. Do I look mad?

312. You got so much Botox in your expressionless face, I can't tell.

313. Oh, is that a frown?

314. What else you got?

315. Well, when it's my turn to listen to the baby monitor,

316. I just wait till you're asleep and I turn it off!

317. Perry, give it up. There's nothing you can say!

318. Oh.

319. You and your mother are basically the same person.

320. What did you say!

321. I'm gonna kill you!

322. If you don't wanna fight in front of Jack anymore, I understand that.

323. But I don't think that means we gotta stop altogether.

324. I mean, Jordan, you are an unpredictable, passionate person,

325. and you challenge me each and every day.

326. And, honestly, that's the reason I can imagine being with you

327. when I'm seventy and you're sixty-five and your face is forty and your boobs are twenty-nine.

328. My face'll never look forty.

329. You're right, my bad.

330. Oh, my God. My future brother-in-law is an evil genius!

331. I'm gonna go, uh, check on "Sally"! Ha!

332. Okay, not funny yet.

333. So I take it you haven't broken up with her yet.

334. Yeah, I decided to stay with her forever.

335. That's great, dude.

336. I know you think you're being nice, but I'm pretty sure

337. Elliot doesn't want to spend her life with someone who doesn't love her.

338. Oh, you know what?

339. If it's okay with you, I'm gonna go ahead and take relationship advice

340. from someone whose fiancee is currently speaking to him.

341. Ohhhh!

342. Ohhhh-ho!

343. Gimme some champagne! I need a victory sip!

344. Cheers.

345. You're making a big mistake.

346. Come on, man. Elliot and I are like best friends.

347. We love hanging out with each other. Maybe that's love.

348. I mean, who—who knows what love really is?

349. I do. J.D., when I look at Carla, I see the future.

350. I see kids, I see minivans, I see a beer gut — on me, of course, not her.

351. I hope so.

352. But you know what's really weird?

353. None of that stuff scares me. Not even when—

354. Turk.

355. Dude, I'm trying to make a point here.

356. I know. Maybe you should stand up and say that.

357. Carla.

358. When I look into your eyes, I see the future.

359. I see kids, I see minivans... you name it, I see it.

360. The weird thing is, though, as long as I see your smile, none of that stuff scares me.

361. Listening to Turk made me think a lot about love.

362. Like how sometimes it can be hard to understand.

363. Why didn't you tell me you felt that way, you dumb-ass?

364. Because you're so much like your mother, you wouldn'ta listened anyway.

365. No biting.

366. Just take it, you girl.

367. Mmm.

368. Other times, love's obvious to everyone.

369. Anyway, uh...

370. I may not ever be able to tell you how much you mean to me,

371. but I promise I will try to show you... for the rest of my life. I love you.

372. I love you.

373. Aren't they amazing?

374. I don't love you.

375. What?

376. Please don't cry.

377. Oh, I won't.

378. Oh-ho!

379. Oh, God! Someone call 9-1-1!

380. Oh, could I get a little more wine, please?

381. This chicken is fantastic!