Scrubs 3x20

Directed by Richard Alexander Wells

Robert Maschio as Todd • Aloma Wright as Laverne Roberts • Richard Kind as Mr. Corman • Scott Foley as Sean Kelly • Tara Reid as Danni

Elliot asks Sean to move in with her, which only adds to J.D.'s problems. Turk is unsure why Dr. Miller's attitude towards him has changed, until he finds out that Carla un-invited her from their wedding. Dr. Kelso outrages Dr. Cox when he announces that Sacred Heart will begin doing full body scans, starting with an ever present hypochondriac patient, who wants any freebies he can get.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. In some ways, Dr. Cox and Dr. Kelso are a lot like an old married couple.

2. I need your opinion about something.

3. Yes, Bob, those pants do make you look like you're holding water.

4. Perry, I'll tell you the same thing I told a comic I once saw at a strip club in Reno

5. I'm not here for the jokes.

6. Color me intrigued, Bob.

7. I am considering offering full body scans here at Sacred Heart.

8. What do you think?

9. I think showing perfectly healthy people every harmless imperfection in their body

10. just to scare them into taking invasive and often pointless tests is an unholy sin.

11. Does sound a little sketchy ethically, doesn't it? Thanks, Perry.

12. Did that just happen? Anybody?

13. Me, I was stuck at a couples-only dinner party.

14. There were the soon-to-be newlyweds...

15. There were the girl that I loved and the guy trying to eat her face...

16. And then there's Danni...

17. You know what I was thinking?

18. Nobody cares, Danni.

19. Aww, this has been fun, but I have to drive Turk back to the hospital.

20. Yeah, and I gotta get up early and look for an apartment.

21. Yeah, he wouldn't take this perfect one he saw today just 'cause the last tenant died there.

22. Elliot! Rats ate his tongue out!

23. Yeah, but the kitchen was so cute!

24. Oh, please.

25. Hey, Turk! Where're you guys gonna live after you get married?

26. You mean where you gonna live.

27. Baby, not now. Don't know yet!

28. Guess it's just the two of us.

29. You wanna have sex?

30. I guess.

31. Do I have to look at you?

32. Please don't.

33. Shut up.

34. I can't believe Kelso really asked my opinion. You know?

35. Look, pal, if I wanted to sit and listen to someone yammer on about their lives,

36. I'd be at my AA meeting right now.

37. Listen, there, scrub-brush,

38. it just so happens it was the only empty seat in the whole joint.

39. And besides, as a fellow abusive drinker,

40. you are honor bound by barstool protocol to listen to every last word out of my mouth.

41. Go.

42. Kelso... Kelso really listened to me about this whole full body scan thing.

43. I was thinking about getting one of those scans.

44. What did he say?

45. Mommy? When's daddy coming home?

46. He isn't. If only he'd loved us enough to get a full body scan at Sacred Heart!

47. Holy cow!

48. Black label.

49. Oh, my goodness! I totally kicked that hernia's ass!

50. Nicely done, as usual, Dr. Turk.

51. Dude. Why is Hot Doc being so nice to you lately?

52. I don't know, but it's about time.

53. I haven't had to work this hard to win someone over since Carla's mom.

54. I thought Carla's mom hated you?

55. Yeah, but she died, so I'm counting it as a win.

56. I bought a killer dress for your wedding yesterday. Ooh!

57. Speaking of which, it's only two weeks away.

58. Has your bride-to-be started freaking out yet?

59. No, Carla's not the "freak out" type.

60. Turk didn't realize that everyone has their moments when emotions run high.

61. TURK!

62. KELSOOOOO!

63. Oh, Danni!

64. Turk!

65. Kelso!

66. Danni!

67. Turk!

68. Carla!

69. Not here.

70. Danni!

71. I'm gonna go put some clothes on. After all, I am a lady.

72. Oh, by the way, I used your razor to shave my pits.

73. Keep it.

74. Dude, Danni did the weirdest thing last night

75. she called out her own name during sex.

76. That is weird. Why are we whispering?

77. Because she hears like a bat.

78. Bats hear really well?

79. Yeah, 'cause they can't see.

80. Oh, yeah, that's right, sonar. Wait a second, that's whales!

81. No, no, no, no, no. Bats and whales, bats and whales!

82. Okay, okay, okay.

83. Anyway, I have to break up with her.

84. Okay, just let her down easy.

85. Danni, I'm not sure how to do this but, uh...

86. I just don't think we should see each other anymore.

87. Cool. I'm already kinda sleeping with this guy named Danny, anyway.

88. Whoa! I guess she wasn't calling out her own name after all!

89. You know what! I don't even care, you know why?

90. Because I bet she's calling out my name while she's sleeping with him!

91. No, I don't!

92. See, like a bat, dude! Like a bat!

93. Check.

94. Aaaaaaaaagh!

95. It actually wasn't that awkward breaking up with Danni.

96. It was... a little odd that she stuck around for two hours to do her morning yoga.

97. Good morning, world!

98. She seems almost peaceful...

99. Later, butt-licks!

100. Maybe not.

101. Oh, just make sure you got all your things out of my bedroom, okay?

102. I put all my stuff at Danny's house three days ago.

103. Crunchberry, wrong pipe.

104. Mmm.

105. Hey, J.D., don't come chasing after me like you do with Elliot.

106. Because if there's one thing everyone knows about John Dorian,

107. it's that he always wants what he can't have.

108. That's not true, is it?

109. Hell no.

110. By the way, this is the last bowl of cereal.

111. It's so hard to make myself look for an apartment

112. when I'm sharing my bed with the most beautiful girl in the world.

113. Really, what's his name?

114. That made absolutely no sense, so just keep sipping.

115. Come on, Sean. I want you to meet this patient, Tommy.

116. He's only five, but he's got like the voice of a grown man.

117. Yeah, he?

118. Tommy, what are you doing out of your room?

119. I go where I want.

120. Awesome!

121. Yessss!

122. Turk!

123. Hm?

124. Everything's wrong again!

125. Baby, it's cool. We're meeting with the cake guy tomorrow.

126. Nothing's cool! Nothing's cool!

127. Okay, okay

128. The centerpieces are supposed to be cupids,

129. but they have no arrows, so now they're just fat babies.

130. I have 187 people who RSVP'd "yes" for a 125-seat wedding.

131. Plus, I have to wear my grandmother's choker,

132. but with my hair up it makes me look like one of those African tribeswomen

133. with a coil around my neck!

134. Okay, first of all, you best be nice to my cousin, Infume.

135. Second, baby, if we have too many guests, you can un-invite some people.

136. Really?

137. Really. It'll be fine.

138. Close your eyes.

139. Take a deep breath.

140. See how good that feels? Now take another one.

141. Take another one.

142. Are you watching my boobs?

143. Deep breath!

144. Nice!

145. Ah, thank you, Shirley.

146. Dammit all to hell, Bob! I cannot believe you're gonna turn this hospital

147. into some money-making machine that coerces people into spending their hard-earned cash

148. on expensive procedures that they don't even need!

149. Why not? It sounds like something I'd do.

150. You mark my words, if one single person gets a full body scan,

151. I will... I will kiss your ring.

152. I'll take that bet, champ! You're our witness, Laverne.

153. How very exciting for all of us.

154. I'm not even sweatin'! Because, honest to God,

155. what kind of gullible chump would go ahead and spend a thousand dollars

156. on some silly scan if he's feeling perfectly fine?

157. Hello, Laverne! Shirley!

158. Oh.

159. How's the chicken today?

160. Oh, my God! Turk! What if someone's vegetarian!

161. I gotta go call the caterer!

162. Thank you. I just calmed her down.

163. She's quite mad, you know. I hope she doesn't rub off on you.

164. Oh! Too easy.

165. Please, man. I'm Christopher Duncan Turk.

166. Duncan?

167. His dad loved doughnuts.

168. That's not true. Okay, you really need to stop saying that.

169. The point is, I don't lose my cool.

170. I don't know. Remember back in college,

171. when we had tickets to see Michael Jordan in the playoffs?

172. We're goin' to see Michael Jordan! We're goin' to see Michael Jordan!

173. We're goin' to see Michael Jordan! 'Cause we got good tickets!

174. We went five hundred miles.

175. Hey, was I supposed to bring the tickets or the sandwiches?

176. Oh, God.

177. OH! NO! Leave it on the floor! You leave it on the floor!

178. You shaved your head for the first time after that.

179. God, I wish we could go back in time and see that game.

180. Wanting what you can't have.

181. Why are you here? Hospitals don't sell cigarettes!

182. Man, I'd smoke her.

183. Quiet time, Todd.

184. I wanna know everything that's wrong with me.

185. Mr. Corman, you're not even feeling bad! You don't need this scan!

186. If it would make you happy, we can just go ahead and do

187. the exact same thing we've done the last fifty times you've been in here

188. take your temperature, draw some blood, and give you a rectal.

189. t's your basic "Ah, Ow, OH!"

190. Why should I even listen to you?

191. The last time I was here, you tried to torture me to prove a point. Dr.--Dr.--Dr.--

192. Cox.

193. Mengele!

194. Uh!

195. Now, if you will excuse me, I've already talked to the insurance company,

196. so there is nothing you can say that can stop me from doing this!

197. Now, Mr. Corman, apparently your insurance company's not gonna cover it.

198. Good day to you, sir.

199. I'm ready to make the first incision.

200. Nah-uh! You get to retract the pannus.

201. You want me to hold the fat flaps?

202. More than anything in the world. Todd! You're up!

203. Thank you!

204. Oh, man!

205. Now this is your big shot, so if you don't want me to throw you out of here,

206. you've gotta get through this whole procedure without making a single sex joke.

207. No problem.

208. All right, to really get at this, I think we need to go in from behind.

209. AND STAY OUT!

210. Totally worth it!

211. You're pathetic!

212. What!

213. For three years I've been watching you pine after Blonde Doctor,

214. and I gotta tell you, everyone is sick of it

215. "Will they? Won't they? Looks like they're going to!

216. Oooh, the last second, something might— oooh oooh oooh!"

217. Come on! Enough already! I mean, you guys aren't exactly Ross and Rachel.

218. Who?

219. Dr. Ross, and Rachel from Bookkeeping.

220. Mmm.

221. Why don't you just let her be happy with... stunningly handsome, full-lipped guy.

222. You know, I—I don't even care what you think.

223. In the heat of battle, it's important to hold your ground.

224. Doctor.

225. Well, now, Bobbo, you hooked him, you got him in the boat, but he still got away!

226. Because victory can be snatched away at the last second.

227. Mr. Corman, your full body scan is on the house.

228. I'm listening.

229. Excuse me.

230. Mm-hmm.

231. Sometimes you don't even know how it happened.

232. Baby, I don't get it. Last night I was the golden boy, and now I'm fat flap guy.

233. Why would Dr. Miller turn on me? I've been great in surgery,

234. I've been nice to her... she's coming to the wedding!

235. No, she's not.

236. What?

237. I un-invited her.

238. Yep, it's amazing how your world can change in an instant.

239. You guys! Guess what.

240. I just asked Sean if he would move in with me and... tell 'em what you said!

241. "Yes!"

242. Isn't that great!

243. That is great! Isn't that great?

244. Full-lipped bastard.

245. Great!

246. What does Sean have that I don't have?

247. Don't compare yourself to him. He's better.

248. Thanks for the lift. Because, for some reason on Tuesdays,

249. my feet just swell up like Jiffy Pop bags. I'm sure it'll show up on the scan.

250. Oh, if anything turns up green,

251. it's probably an emerald that I swallowed from my mother's jewelry box when I was five.

252. Gee, I'd like to get that back to her...

253. Hey, what's going on?

254. Zip it. I know a shortcut.

255. Help! I'm getting chair-jacked!

256. Okay, why are you mad? You told me to un-invite people!

257. So, without asking, you went to my new boss

258. and told her you didn't want her to come to the wedding.

259. Nooo. I told her we didn't want her to come.

260. Well, hello there. Can I give you some help?

261. My mommy said you had lollipops. Gimme a red one!

262. So, moving in together, huh?

263. Yeah... It's a little scary.

264. And just like that I saw my window.

265. It is scary! You know, I knew this girl in college who moved in with her boyfriend?

266. Everything changed — stopped talking to each other,

267. started fighting all the time and... you know the rest.

268. They broke up?

269. Oh, no, he killed her.

270. Dr. Reid? They need you to check on that stabbing victim in Room 301?

271. Could be you!

272. What?

273. Nothing.

274. Don't do that.

275. Why are you here, Sean?

276. Elliot listens to you, J.D. Why are you messing with her head?

277. It's 'cause he wants what he can't have.

278. Okay, new rule! Hospitals are for doctors and sick people only! Okay?

279. Look, J.D., you've had so many chances,

280. and you never stepped up to the plate.

281. Me, I'm terrified, but I'm going for it because that's how much Elliot and I mean to each other.

282. We work. So if you really care about her, you won't mess this up.

283. Un-invite my boss, huh? Well, we'll see how she likes it when I mess with her world, huh?

284. Listen, I appreciate the lunch.

285. But are you actually trying to convince me, an admittedly frugal hypochondriac,

286. not to get a free full body scan?

287. Mr. Corman, you're not dying of anything!

288. Although if you do try to swipe one more bite of my lamb medallions I will be forced to kill you.

289. Well, look who never learned to share.

290. Listen to me! I am not losing a bet to Bob Kelso!

291. All this concern about my health and my well-being, and it's about a bet!

292. You know what, that's a pretty reprehensible thing to do!

293. Well, if you'll excuse me, I have a full body scan to take!

294. You drove me here.

295. I'd like to see a dessert menu, please.

296. Miss Espinosa, it was a little difficult changing your cake at the last minute,

297. but I was able to make it non-dairy like you requested.

298. My Uncle Ramon thanks you,

299. and the rest of the people at table 3 thank you even more.

300. Oh, it's perfect! Isn't it Turk?

301. What's up with the white people on top?

302. Turk, they don't have tiny plastic interracial couples.

303. I'll just color it in with some chocolate frosting.

304. Oh, that's a great idea. Put 'em in blackface.

305. Turk!

306. What? While you're at it, why don't you put a string in the back of him,

307. so when you pull it he sings "Mammy"!

308. Forget it.

309. Where're you going?

310. To the back of the bakery where you keep all the other colored cakes?

311. I'ma call Jesse! And we gonna march on your ass!

312. Mm!

313. Hey, Elliot.

314. Uh, look, I was just goofing around before...

315. about that whole thing. I think it's great you guys are moving in together.

316. Thanks, J.D. I... really needed to hear that from you.

317. Maybe it's true that I'm someone who only wants what he can't have.

318. But what if the thing I want is the girl I'm supposed to end up with?

319. It should be me.

320. What?

321. Look, Elliot: Every year we bounce around this thing,

322. and I never have the courage to stand up and tell you how I feel.

323. I'm crazy about you. And I want you to know

324. if I had the choice of hanging around with anyone in the entire world or staying at home with you,

325. eating pizza and watching a crappy TV show, I'd choose you every time.

326. I... Um... I have to go.

327. Not yet, you don't.

328. For Pete's sake... Will you leave me alone?

329. Look! This baby would mess with a normal person's mind.

330. So please hear me when I say that if you get this scan, it will ruin you.

331. The next year of your life is gonna be a series of endless tests,

332. and I'll do whatever it takes to keep that from happening to you.

333. Even if it means giving you free medical treatment the rest of your life.

334. How can I believe that you even care about me?

335. How are we doing, Mr. Corman?

336. Oh, uh, Bob. We, uh, we just had our scan. You win.

337. And...?

338. Now, Perry, I know that was our first date, but next time,

339. don't be afraid to put a little feeling into it.

340. There you go. It's damn sure not about the bet anymore. You do whatever you want.

341. I cannot believe you are freaking out about this! It's a great idea!

342. Turk! We are not having wedding PIE!

343. That is so typical of you, Carla!

344. This whole wedding has been about you, and I'll prove it!

345. Give me back my wedding planner!

346. Frank Sinatra as our first dance. Please, baby, that guy has only got one good song.

347. You got... pink roses. I hate pink! Big screen TV at the reception!

348. Big screen TV at the reception?

349. I knew how much you wanted to see the play-offs.

350. You did that for me?

351. It's amazing how one simple gesture can bring you back from the brink.

352. Hey! So, U-Haul is parked outside, everything I own is in there.

353. Well, except for this half of my salad tongs, but I-I was using it to scratch myself on the way over.

354. This isn't gonna work.

355. I guess the funny thing about love is you never know how things are gonna work out.

356. Like me. I lost Elliot. But at least I went down swinging.

357. Elliot? What are you doing?

358. What are we watching?

359. 'Little House on the Prairie.'

360. Mm.

361. If you're wondering what this is, Perry,

362. it's a list of the hundreds of people who've already signed up for our full body scan.

363. Well, bully for you, there, Bobbo.

364. Sometimes the smallest victory is enough to get you through the day.

365. I didn't get the scan.

366. I know you didn't, Mr. Corman.

367. Please, call me Harvey.

368. "Harvey Corman"?

369. Doesn't get me as much action as you'd think.

370. Anyway, about that free medical care?

371. I'm gonna need your home number. You know, just in case...

372. Just in case. Heh.

373. Do you want me to re-invite her?

374. Do you want her there?

375. No. She's too pretty. I want people looking at me.

376. Okay, she's out.

377. Dr. Turk. Meet me in the O.R.

378. Fat flaps?

379. You got it!

380. I love fat flaps.

381. I love you!

382. As for me, all I needed was Elliot.

383. J.D., it's just so weird.

384. I mean, my whole future was right there in front of me, and I just walked away.

385. All because of you.

386. Well, I think you made the right choice.

387. I think that the problem with most people who want what they can't have is that,

388. when they actually get the thing they covet, they don't want it anymore. But not this guy.

389. Well, Dr. Dorian, you have me. You finally have me.

390. Oh, my God! I DON'T WANT HER!