Scrubs 3x2

Directed by Michael Spiller

Robert Maschio as Todd • Aloma Wright as Laverne Roberts • Scott Foley as Sean Kelly • Maureen McCormick as Maureen McCormick • Shelley Malil as Bartender

J.D. is feeling left out of his friendship with Turk and gets hurt when Turk is scared of opening up to him. Meanwhile, Carla is driven crazy over an unidentified urine sample, and Elliot tries to balance Sean and her career, so that one doesn't end up getting in the way of the other.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Hospitals are filled with people who just came off 18-hour shifts.

2. So when a patient dies, it's not uncommon to take them to the morgue yourself,

3. then grab a little shut-eye in their bed.

4. Unfortunately, sometimes you're beaten to the punch.

5. I'm up!

6. You can hardly notice it

7. It's actually kinda pretty!

8. Jack-ass.

9. Look who's here.

10. I'm never happy when a guy comes back into Elliot's life.

11. But at least with Sean... it's entertaining.

12. Thanks for the lathe.

13. I should have warned you that the reason I love that place

14. is that they're known for making the hottest coffee in town.

15. Yeah, well, no sthweat. You know, lessthon learned.

16. Is it me, or do those two seem less awkward around each other?

17. See ya!

18. Okay, I have some news! We picked a date for the wedding.

19. Tell 'em Turk. April 24th!

20. No, way! Mine is April 25th! 2006!

21. Oh, the place I love in Connecticut books up early so what the hell, took a shot.

22. One, two, three...

23. Crazy!

24. Oh, so you've never dreamt about your wedding day.

25. Do you, John Dorian, take Marcia Brady to be your wife?

26. My name is Maureen McCormick.

27. Marcia, please! Father, continue.

28. No, I have not!

29. By the way, Carla, I know an amazing Journey cover band,

30. you should get 'em to play at your reception.

31. Bambi, not everyone loves Journey as much as you.

32. I don't love Journey.

33. "She's just a small town girl..."

34. "... Livin' in a lonely world! She took a midnight train goin' aaaanywheeeere!"

35. Fine, I love 'em.

36. If you wanna book the band, they're called The Lovin',

37. Touchin', Squeezin's and they rock!

38. Took 'em now, thank me later.

39. After that, the day got worse.

40. Thanks for giving me a ride down here to see Sean.

41. I've never been to Sea World. What exactly does Sean do here, anyway?

42. Probably cleans up the seal poop!

43. There he is!

44. Lame!

45. My Journey

46. Who left this urine here?

47. Someone's got a secret admirer!

48. Dr. Kelso? Someone left this urine specimen sitting around.

49. What's interesting is that the name tag's been ripped right off.

50. Sweetheart, I think you're confusing interesting with boring.

51. I can't believe you and Carla set a date.

52. Yep, it's happening.

53. Wedding talk! Ohh, how lovely!

54. Listen, Hilton sisters: Mr. Quinn in 206 still has a severely shattered clavicle and he needs a surgical consult now.

55. And, seeing as he's _your_ patient, and _you're_ a surgeon, gosh,

56. I was hoping that if you two hens have an extra moment between choosing centerpieces

57. and deciding just exactly how you're gonna attach that veil onto Baldy's head,

58. well, it would just be super-de-duper if you could peek in in there and give him the old lookie-loo; wouldn't it?

59. Anyway, about this whole setting the date thing: I mean, I'm really psyched for you guys,

60. it's just gonna be harder and harder for us to hang out, you know?

61. I mean, you're gonna be married, man! You're gonna have, like, a house!

62. You know? You're gonna be spending your weekends chasing around little Arturo and Rosaria!

63. You mean Tamika and Fuquan?

64. You should... talk to Carla...

65. Anyway, this is the end of a major chapter in our lives, ma— You know what?

66. I'm gonna take you out tonight.

67. Yes, sir! We're gonna get some dinner, we'll get a nice bottle of wine...

68. Sounds like you're asking me out on a man-date.

69. Turk, why are you so afraid of loving me?

70. Up!

71. Whoa! Do you actually talk to each other?

72. Elliot, come on, he's just a dolphin.

73. Because, Bruce, then she would think I was crazy, that's why!

74. You know, I am so glad that we're dating again.

75. Elliot, we're not dating.

76. Why don't you want to be dating?

77. Th—well—all right... Here... Man! Why is everything so much easier with dolphins?

78. Because you're not trying to date a dolphin.

79. No. No. Well, not after that big talk they gave us.

80. Elliot, last time we were together, I thought everything was going great,

81. and then out of nowhere you dumped me for your job.

82. I gotta be honest with you, I've never been so crushed in my entire life.

83. Really?

84. That is not something that I'm happy about.

85. Sean, I was an intern, and if I hadn't made medicine my priority, then I wouldn't have lasted.

86. But... now things are gonna be different because I'm different. I'm New Elliot.

87. Well, do you think that, uhh... you think the new Elliot, uh, would like to go to dinner tonight?

88. I don't know... She's very busy...

89. Well, I'm telling you, Laverne, by this afternoon we're gonna find out whose urine this is.

90. I got a better idea: Why don't you do that.

91. I'm gonna run across the street and get my tooth fixed so I can stop looking like Larry Holmes.

92. Carla, you're forcing me to say something that I prayed I'd never have to say again to another

93. Please, please, please, put down the cup of urine.

94. 6.50, please.

95. 6.50? For an egg-salad sandwich?

96. 4.50 for the egg-salad, 2 bucks for the apple juice that you put in a urine container.

97. Who would do that?

98. Just the burger for me.

99. Mr. Quinn, before I examine your clavicle, let me ask you something:

100. Do you think it's out of line for me to want to take my best friend here to dinner?

101. Well, I, uhh...

102. I mean, this is like the end of an era! Okay?

103. We've always been known as Turk-&-J.D. Like, when we were in college, people'd be like,

104. "When are Turk-&-J.D. getting here?" Right? And then in med school,

105. everyone was like, "When _are_ Turk-&-J.D. getting here?"

106. We didn't have a car.

107. The point is, we were together so much, this one Indian girl only slept with him

108. 'cause she thought his last name was "Anjadi".

109. It was a very good day for me!

110. See! This is the kind of stuff I'm gonna miss!

111. The... the reminiscing... the way your breath always smelled of curry...

112. All right, fine, it's a man-date.

113. Now, you and I, we're still on for surgery tomorrow, right?

114. Right. Listen, when you slice me up, make sure you don't mess up my tattoo.

115. — my fiancé, Tracy, would kill me.

116. I had a tattoo once.

117. Dude, you got your face painted at the hospital picnic.

118. I was a cougar! Arrgh-arrgh-aaarrgh! See ya later.

119. Dr. Cox, does this shade of red make me look like a clown?

120. No, Barbie, no.

121. It makes you look like a prostitute who caters exclusively to clowns.

122. Oh, I'm sorry, that was my mistake.

123. I keep forgetting that you're a horrible, horrible person.

124. Oooh, backbone, Barbie.

125. Heeee-xcuse me!

126. You wouldn't happen to be signing out Mr. Hudson to the on-call resident, would you?

127. Eee-yeah, why?

128. He's your patient, he needs a lumbar puncture,

129. and you can't necessarily count on the on-call resident to do that, now, can you?

130. It's just that, Dr. Cox, I've got a date with this guy named Sean—

131. Would you do me a personal favor and excuse me just for one moment?

132. Yeah?

133. Dr. Cox, I cannot miss this dinner!

134. Oh! Barbie, I—I actually see your point.

135. You should, in fact, go on your little date,

136. because I have some busy work that's gonna take me over into the vicinity of Mr. Hudson's room,

137. so I'll just pop my head in there and tell him that he's going to die.

138. But, if you have a moment between dinner and giving it away for free,

139. if you could pick up the phone and call Mr. Hudson's wife and kids

140. and tell them about, you know, the dying...?

141. Oh, I know, sugar.

142. This would be just the most terrific place to work on the planet if it weren't for all these sick people. Wouldn't it.

143. I'm sorry!

144. I just thought that, as a urine lab technician,

145. you'd be at least half as interested in urine as I am!

146. Hey, you know, I—uh, it's not any of my business, but I think I know whose wizz that is.

147. I love you!

148. Okay, go.

149. Uh, his name is Mr. Freely.

150. First name?

151. I.P.

152. "I.P. Freely"?

153. Funny in third grade, funny now.

154. Listen, Stretch, if you know who this belongs to, I'd 'fess up right now.

155. Otherwise, I'm gonna grab you by the back of that two-dollar haircut

156. and force-feed you the sample so you can carry it around all day.

157. That way, if I ever want it back, all I have to do is point you at a beaker and squeeze really hard!

158. Now, you got any more funny jokes you gotta tell me?

159. No, ma'am.

160. In a hospital, every day is made up of little battles.

161. Can I have everyone's attention please?

162. I officially don't care anymore who peed in this jar!

163. Sometimes you fight them not because you want to, but because you have to...

164. Shut up.

165. Other times you fight for what you want...

166. Sean, I can't make it to dinner.

167. but what you want isn't willing to wait.

168. Sure, Elliot... yeah...

169. If you're lucky, there's no battle at all — everything works out perfectly.

170. Yo, there he is! For a second I thought you weren't coming, dude.

171. Hey! Turk-&-J.D.! And J.D.!

172. Yeah, I'm so psyched we're doing this, man.

173. So am I. Todd! Over here, buddy!

174. 'Scuse me for a second, fellas.

175. I'm gonna go over there and tell that girl my name's "Beer," then I'm gonna offer her some "beer nuts"!

176. What's up!

177. Mental five.

178. You invited The Todd?

179. Dude, we left at the same time. I didn't know what to say to him.

180. But I thought we were gonna, like, reminisce tonight, you know? Get a little deep?

181. Me too. I'm totally bummed out, all right?

182. Oh, that was the hottest slap I've ever gotten!

183. I can't believe I wasn't gonna come out tonight!

184. Thanks for twisting my arm.

185. I'm outta here.

186. Hey!

187. J.D. Come on, man! All right, fine, man! I could have plenty of deep moments with The Todd!

188. Hey. You think gay dudes get turned on by their own wieners?

189. Oh, my God.

190. I wanted to let Turk know exactly how I felt about the way he behaved,

191. so I decided to throw him Mr. Quinn's chart with a little extra mustard sauce!

192. Morning, buddy.

193. I apologize for that. To you.

194. Not you!

195. I thought we were friends!

196. Again, not you and me; me and... him. Anyway, have a nice day — you!

197. Not you!

198. Nor you!

199. Oh, hey, this whole you-leaving-the-room-whenever-I-enter-it thing that you're doing is just...

200. I love it!

201. Ever since I got engaged, he's been acting crazier than my fiancee.

202. Although... Carla is going a little nuts about the dress.

203. Dude, what's up with Tracy?

204. Dude! Tracy's a guy.

205. That'd make you gay.

206. I am gay.

207. Neat!

208. Never underestimate just exactly how uncomfortable this makes him.

209. Hello?

210. Hey, Sean! It's Elliot! Look, I know that last night didn't go exactly as we planned it,

211. so I thought maybe we could reschedule for tonight?

212. Look, Elliot, I think this whole thing may be a bad idea.

213. Just... give me another chance?

214. Well, I kind of already have plans tonight...

215. with this girl, Betty... from work.

216. Sean—

217. I'll see ya, Elliot.

218. Oh, look, see, I did what I had to do,

219. and I don't need you judging me right now; all right, Betty?

220. Oh, what do you know.

221. I'm telling you, it was a clip-board. It came right out of the sky!

222. I'm sure it did, sir. Woo!

223. Wendy. Would you watch the phones for me while I go back down to the urology lab?

224. Sure.

225. Nurse Espinosa.

226. I specifically requested that you transfer Mrs. Merchant to the Morning Side Nursing Home.

227. I'd take her there myself, but then I'd run the risk of bumping into my mother,

228. and the last thing I need is to have another conversation

229. about why she shouldn't have to spend her golden years in a bunk-bed.

230. Now, either do the job we pay you for, or I'll find someone else who will!

231. Oh: Have a great day!

232. Oh, my God. The janitor's afraid of Carla! How could I use this to my advantage?

233. Listen, I want you to lay off J.D.!

234. Stop accusing him of things he didn't do!

235. And... bring him a fruit smoothie every day.

236. ¿El gustaria de fresa o guineo? (Would he like strawberry or banana?)

237. El... coche... arbol... morado con queso. (... Purple ... tree ... car ... with cheese.)

238. ¡Mentiroso! (Liar!)

239. Feliz Navidad.

240. I have to learn Spanish...

241. Whassup?

242. Oh, nothing — I just found out my favorite chips cause anal leakage and, oh, I'm not talking to you.

243. How did you get him to stop talking to you?

244. I don't get it, man.

245. All I wanted to do was take you to dinner, and you made me feel like a total idiot.

246. Wait a minute, I _always_ make him feel like an idiot.

247. Why you making a big deal about this?

248. You never tell me how you feel!

249. Aw, dammit all! I never tell you how _I_ feel.

250. I'm not talking to you!

251. Finally! Thank you.

252. I don't understand. Ever since I met you it's been like this one-way street.

253. I mean, I-I-I-I tell you everything, and you tell me nothing.

254. I don't get it — what are you afraid of?

255. Hey, guys. This is my fiancé, Tracy.

256. This is Dr. Turk, and Dr. Dorian.

257. Honest to God, I... I love this place.

258. Soooo... thanks to you, Sean blew me off, but I'm okay.

259. Old Elliot would have gone into a tail-spin, but new Elliot's just gonna get him back,

260. because new Elliot is a fixer.

261. Like, that guy over there — if his stitches lifted and his spleen ruptured,

262. I would just go over... and fix them!

263. My spleen is going to rupture!

264. Relax, you're fine.

265. You know what? I am just going to show Sean that he will always come first.

266. Gosh, I hate to interrupt this one-gal pep-rally,

267. there, Barbie, but I give this guy two weeks — three if you are just terrific in the sack.

268. Well, then it's three!

269. I mean: You're wrong!

270. You know I just, uh, I just got off the phone with Jordan,

271. who told me that my son rolled over for the first time...

272. Oh, my God! That's so great!

273. Big who cares! Not about Jack rolling over for the first time,

274. but definitely about your reaction to my son rolling over for the first time.

275. Point being that I missed it because I was here.

276. You might want to get a pen out and write this down,

277. because here comes the inside scoop: The hospital comes first.

278. Always.

279. Always?

280. Forever and ever.

281. D'aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand everandeverandeverandever — You gettin' this? — Aaaand everandeverandeverandeveraneverandever...

282. So I'll pick you up tomorrow, okay?

283. Okay.

284. and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever, andeverandeverandeverandever...

285. You're not that comfortable with the man-on-man action, are you?

286. So I'm a little homophobic... I mean, we all got our stuff, right?

287. I bet, deep down inside, you're a little racist?

288. Marrying a black guy?

289. Dude, how pissed are your parents, honestly?

290. So, what makes you so uncomfortable? Is it the sex?

291. Don't get me wrong

292. I don't love the idea of kissing anyone with a mustache.

293. That's why I always pretend to have a cold when Carla's aunt comes to town.

294. What really freaks me out, though, is the thought of being that open with another guy — any guy.

295. I don't know what it is, I mean that's just the way I been my whole life.

296. Maybe... maybe it's because I'm scared, you know?

297. Dude... that's a little gay.

298. What?

299. Nurse Espinosa, I feel bad about what happened before;

300. and so I went and searched through like forty bags of garbage...

301. And I found the torn off urine label. Also found half a tooth.

302. Over here, jumpsuit!

303. Mr. Thomasberg, let's get you to the lab!

304. Hey, studly! Now, when you were out rooting through the dumpster,

305. you didn't stumble across your own testicles, did'ja?

306. Hey, you know that long line of trembling peons that are so afraid of you?

307. Well I'm not in that line.

308. Oh, you're not?

309. No. I'm not in anybody's line.

310. This is a Chicklet!

311. I gotta go.

312. I'm always happy when someone wins a battle.

313. Because around here, you get your fair share of disappointment.

314. I guess in the end you have to fight for things that really matter.

315. Like pride in your work...

316. or your friendship.

317. You know, I'm actually starting to like Journey.

318. Well you're gonna be very pleased with the next twenty-three songs.

319. You know, the fact that you're even here for an end-of-an-era celebration is enough,

320. we don't have to, like, get all deep or anything.

321. No, I wanna try this, man.

322. Okay, Um... Ever since Carla and I set the date for the wedding, I started thinking.

323. You know those lame-ass couples that get engaged but they never actually get married —

324. they just cruise along year after year, without making any real kind of commitment?

325. Dude, I wanted to be one of those couples, man!

326. Hey, Puki, can we get two appletinis, please?

327. And sometimes, all you can do is grit your teeth and tell the truth.

328. Hey.

329. Look, I was planning on coming here and telling you that you'll always come first.

330. But, the truth is that's not a promise I can keep.

331. But the one thing I _can_ guarantee you is that, when it's my decision,

332. I'll always choose you. ... But if that's not enough, I understand.