Scrubs 3x17

Directed by Gail Mancuso

Aloma Wright as Laverne Roberts • Nestor Carbonell as Dr. Ramirez • Alexander Chaplin as Mr. Thompson • Paul Tigue as Waiter • Cathleen Gallagher as Woman

J.D. must keep a secret when Carla's "what-if" guy asks her out on a date. Meanwhile, on the other side of the argument, Carla hounds Turk for checking out other women. Elliot is also on the spot as Dr. Cox and Dr. Kelso both advise her not to give her patient drugs as they suspect he is an addict faking pain.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. I get that you and Carla have been hanging out,

2. but pretending you're gonna steal her from me makes you seem sad, pathetic,

3. - and very lonely. - Your woman wants me so bad,

4. we've developed our own shorthand with each other.

5. - Morning. - Morning.

6. - That means "good morning." - Noted.

7. How was Mardi Gras night?

8. - Come on. - Enough beads.

9. - No more flashing. - More beads. Come on!

10. Fine.

11. Sounds pretty embarrassing.

12. Only because Jasper becomes an innie when he gets nervous.

13. - Still... Friends forever. - Friends forever.

14. Of course, not all relationships are as solid as Carla's and mine.

15. Dr Reid, why are you using standard macrolides to treat your patient

16. instead of Clo-Veritol?

17. Clo-Veritol is a drug?

18. Honestly, Bob, I was under the impression that it was a travel agency,

19. what with all the free golf trips they've sent you on.

20. I do not authorise any drug for this hospital that I haven't researched.

21. What did the research for Clo-Veritol say, sir?

22. "When life's not fair at all, use Clo-Veritol."

23. Check out Barbie, Boo-hottie, slamming Big Bob. That a girl.

24. I've spent the last three years in this hospital getting pushed around

25. because I'm little Barbie from Connecticut.

26. But, there's a new toy in town and her name is Bitch-slap Barbie.

27. From Connecticut.

28. Still, let’s remember that you can't even drive the doctor-car

29. without daddy sitting right there beside you.

30. Because you went and accidentally gave the patient over in bed four

31. macrolides and opiates.

32. Two medications that I guarantee you are gonna make her nauseous.

33. My patient is fine, and I don't need you...

34. I roughly think that would be the faint sound of your patient vomiting.

35. You may have trouble hearing it over the louder sound of me being right again.

36. God, my brilliance is now becoming a bit of a burden.

37. Get back to me.

38. I gotta give Mr Ingram his meds, so later.

39. Later.

40. That means "I’ll be seeing you later."

41. You want my fiancée, take her. She's been nagging the crap out of me.

42. "Pick up your socks, stop whispering 'Boo-yah' to JD after we have sex."

43. - How else am I supposed to know? - I’m saying.

44. I'm not giving her any more ammo. There is no way she'll be able to bust my...

45. Damn!

46. That ass warrants the Batman sound-effect salute.

47. How come you're always checking out some woman’s you-know-what?

48. - Tushy parts? - Thanks for having my back.

49. Babe...

50. That means, “Now she all mad.”

51. When you work in a hospital,

52. you can count on a changing roster of new faces.

53. Whether it's the new flower lady who winks too much,

54. or the plastic surgeon who's returned after fixing cleft palates

55. in Third World countries.

56. So, if any of you are interested

57. in following in the philanthropic footsteps of Dr Ramirez,

58. he has graciously offered to answer any of your questions.

59. I told you no one would care.

60. Sometimes, a new face will just outright surprise you.

61. - What the hell are you doing? - Me?

62. Nothing, man. Just waiting for my brother to get off work.

63. Maybe you know him, he's the janitor here. My name's Roscoe.

64. - Why is he doing that? - I think he gets bored.

65. I should marry someone who will stare at women the rest of my life?

66. - Don't put it that way in your vows. - Let's see how he likes it. Hey, honey.

67. What up, baby?

68. It's good. That's because Estelle puts extra croutons into the stuffing.

69. - And yet the salads suffer. - I am talking about that man's ass.

70. Gotta go.

71. It's such a fine, chiselled, dig-your-nails-into-it kind of ass!

72. Babe, he probably works out.

73. - Carla? - Ron!

74. - Kudos on the nice pooper. - Thank you.

75. - Mine’s firm, like mutton. - Lovely.

76. OK, Mr Thompson, we've got your fever down,

77. - but how’s the pain in your abdomen? - Almost gone.

78. Really?

79. - A trick I picked up in med school. - I think my insides exploded.

80. I suspect you've got pancreatitis, so we'll run LFTs and do an ultrasound.

81. In the meantime, I'll prescribe you something for your pain.

82. No, please, don't sweat it. I'm used to the pain.

83. Besides, my mom is bringing by the kids later

84. and I figure there should be at least one sober adult in the room.

85. No, seriously, she's a drunk.

86. Sorry.

87. - You... - Stop it.

88. There's nothing worse than people with a history.

89. Did Shari and Steve get married?

90. - You didn't hear? - Say you heard.

91. - No. - Damn you.

92. Steve went to care for his parents. Then Shari started seeing Dr Harding.

93. - No! - Really? Shari and Gary?

94. - No! - Yes!

95. But that summer, they took a river rafting trip and they both drowned.

96. Oh, thank God.

97. You know, cos they both died doing what they loved.

98. Rafting.

99. - Everybody treating you OK? - Yeah.

100. The nurse doing sponge baths? Wouldn’t be shocked if she's killed before.

101. - Hey, Sunshine. - Calm your ass down.

102. - You was barely bleeding. - From a bath, woman!

103. I've run every test. I cannot figure out why this guy is in so much pain.

104. - Did you run a DUH test? - What's a DUH?

105. The guy is a drug addict trying to score painkillers.

106. - But he refused drugs. - My bad.

107. He is a very clever drug addict.

108. I hate to question your three years of wisdom,

109. but your pain guy is like a million other drug addicts

110. who walk into hospitals with their aches and pains

111. and their cramps and myalgia, and their neuralgia,

112. and every other ‘algia’ they can think of

113. - just so they can get a fix. - Well, I believe in this guy.

114. Would you like to go out on a limb? Sign him in, keep him overnight?

115. You know, Dr Cox, you think that you have seen it all and done it all,

116. but guess what? You haven't done me.

117. Give her a second there, gang.

118. - That didn’t come out right. - Go!

119. If you're captain, pick me. I’ll be "We always play together".

120. Then pick who you really want. They'll think you wanted me.

121. - When do you think of this stuff? - Every minute of every day.

122. You guys seen my twin brother?

123. - I asked you a question. - You're better than this.

124. Any sign of my brother the janitor?

125. Dude, there is no way that we’ll ever, ever believe this one.

126. Can someone say, “keep rocking"?

127. Hey, Carla, after you check Miss Ruck's IV in room 310,

128. can you zip down to the cafeteria and flirt more with Dr Hot-butt?

129. Fine, so I was flirting with him a little.

130. But, I used to have such a crush on the guy.

131. And besides, you flirt sometimes. It's harmless, right?

132. - Can I press your button? - I don't know, can I press yours?

133. It's not always harmless.

134. Hey, Carla. I was wondering if you wanted to grab dinner with me tonight?

135. It's always a risk when you go out on a limb. You just make yourself vulnerable.

136. Did you pull up Mr Thompson's old charts?

137. He was here eight years ago complaining of the same abdominal pain

138. but as soon as he was given his pain medication he went AMA.

139. He just took the drugs and bolted?

140. No. He took some towels too.

141. Frick.

142. So what do you say?

143. And you hate to see anyone get crushed. Even Dr Hot-butt.

144. Sure. That sounds great.

145. I’m sorry, what?

146. - What just happened? - I don't know!

147. He asked me out to dinner, I said yes. It just came out.

148. Shame.

149. Everyone thinks it's guys who freak out before a wedding,

150. but it happens to women, too.

151. - And Ronny... - Ronny?

152. Ron. Ron. He's not just some guy, JD.

153. He's my "what if" guy. The one I always wondered about.

154. The one I idealised, you know?

155. If we go out and I feel nothing, you know how confident I'll feel about Turk?

156. Now I want you to go. You know what that means?

157. That she's a sorceress.

158. I would never do anything inappropriate.

159. - Then you won't mind if I tell Turk. - If you have to, go ahead.

160. But then I'll know that we’re not as close as I thought.

161. Damn beads.

162. Mr Thompson, I was just looking at your old chart...

163. He was telling me that the last time he was here,

164. his doctor couldn't diagnose him and just threw painkillers at him instead.

165. - He did? - I was so frustrated, I took off.

166. But with Dr Reid here, I know we're gonna get to the bottom of things.

167. She is one terrific doctor.

168. So this pain you're having is making you delusional?

169. No. Why?

170. No reason.

171. This is nice. After all these years, actually being out with you.

172. - Yeah, so where do you want to sit? - How about here?

173. We have a lovely selection of condoms.

174. Lemon Zinger.

175. - Uncool! - What were you thinking about?

176. What you’d look like if you were Chinese.

177. - Me too. - That was lucky.

178. Hey, fellas, guess what's on?

179. A little show that I like to call Indisputable Evidence.

180. Thank you, brothers, for inviting me to your twin birthday party.

181. No problem, Troy.

182. Hey, brother, why don’t you enjoy this nice pen set that I got for you?

183. Check it out. Take your time.

184. Approach it slowly.

185. Hey, thanks, bro. I’m definitely gonna use this to write to you

186. when I finish my around-the-world travels. Put it there, man.

187. All right. You do a good job around here.

188. And that, boys, is a brotherly handshake.

189. Sometimes around here, you can't believe what you're seeing.

190. Other times it's as clear as day.

191. Thanks.

192. Oh, great, you're getting medication for your pain patient.

193. But why stop there? How about we load up our fanny-packs with happy pills,

194. drive downtown and we can throw fistfuls of them right at drug addicts?

195. It’ll be like a big happy parade.

196. You know, you have this unbelievable ability to make me doubt myself.

197. I don’t think I could make you doubt yourself, you rascal,

198. unless you had the unnatural talent for being wrong most the time.

199. I'm not wrong. I just saw Mr Thompson writhing in pain

200. and he had no idea I was watching him.

201. But you're more concerned with being right than doing what's right.

202. Aren't you?

203. Stay calm. Turk’s never gonna find out about her date.

204. - Hey. You got a minute to talk? - Do you wanna talk about anything?

205. We can talk about our feelings. What’s up?

206. I've been thinking about Carla nagging me.

207. I know it’s coming from a good place because,

208. let’s face it, the woman lives and dies for me.

209. - More wine? - Oh, God, yes.

210. I should marry someone who's gonna bust my chops

211. - every time I look at a woman? - Don't put it that way in your vows.

212. - Hand me that. - Here you go.

213. So you and that girl Kelly finally broke up, huh?

214. Yeah. What was that cute name that you used to call her?

215. Skunk face. I was a little mean back then.

216. No, I always used to think you were the sweetest girl on earth.

217. Nag, nag, nag, nag. You see how Carla is lately.

218. I mean, is that all I have to look forward to?

219. I hear they're doing Stuart Little 3.

220. Nah, it's on hold, the director dropped out.

221. - Turk, don't you have any work to do? - Dude, surgeon.

222. Beads, keep me strong.

223. - What? - Nothing.

224. - I’m so glad we did this. - Me too.

225. I have to leave on Monday,

226. but I'm back the last week in April. Maybe we can get together then.

227. I'm getting married April 24th.

228. So then our plans would totally interfere with your honeymoon.

229. A little bit.

230. - Excited about it? - I’m so excited.

231. Mr Thompson, I'd like to prescribe you something for the pain.

232. - Well, that’s your call. - There's just one little problem.

233. Oh, my God! Just give me the drugs.

234. For God's sake, I’ve been working you from every angle.

235. I refused painkillers, I did the “you're the greatest doctor” bit.

236. Then between getting a tube in my ass and a tube in my mouth,

237. which I'm praying wasn't the same tube, I found time to writhe in pain,

238. but I didn't know if you were watching. So, please, why don’t you say it?

239. Why don’t you say it? Why don’t you tell me what the problem is and say it?

240. I was going to say my pen doesn't work

241. and I need a new one to write out your dosage.

242. Awesome.

243. I felt nothing for him! How cool is that?

244. I had a dream like this but I had a saddle on and you were an Indian.

245. Turk was a donkey.

246. - I'm gonna go tell Turk. - Oh, that's great. She's gonna go...

247. Wait. What?

248. Whatever you do, don’t scream.

249. - Why would I scream? - I don't know.

250. People always say that in the movies.

251. I don’t think Turk will be as excited about your date as you.

252. He definitely won't love the fact that I knew about it.

253. So, just tell him in five years.

254. You did what?

255. Make that twenty years.

256. Honey, that was a long time ago.

257. - Why are you still living here? - I’ve got nowhere else to go.

258. Sorry.

259. - But what if I want to tell him? - That's up to you, isn't it?

260. Gotta go.

261. Damn beads.

262. Yuk it up. I don’t care.

263. Cos my brother’s waiting for me downstairs

264. and when these elevator doors open, you’ll see.

265. He’s gonna be staring right at you two guys.

266. I don't know what I thought would happen.

267. But I think we can all agree this isn't working out. So let’s call it a draw.

268. Hell, no! You lost. Live with it.

269. It's hard when you lose for the first time.

270. It's harder when it's the hundredth time.

271. Say it.

272. - You're always right. - I know.

273. But it is still so nice to hear it.

274. How did you know that he was lying?

275. Well, you said he wasn't and as a rule

276. I take whatever you say and go in the opposite direction with it.

277. But more than that, Barbie, the main reason is because, well...

278. Medicine is all about experience.

279. I mean, hell, would you like to have a look at who the last doctor was

280. to give Thompson drugs?

281. You? Why didn't you say something earlier?

282. Give up my front-row seat to "Barbie's Wild Ride"?

283. "He's a drug addict. He's not a drug addict. You make me doubt myself."

284. "You're more interested in being right than doing what's right."

285. And yet sometimes losing is a good thing.

286. Like when you lose your insecurities about the guy you're marrying,

287. which makes it easier to cut him some slack.

288. - Go ahead, look. - Really, baby?

289. Yeah. Besides, you're cutting up your napkin.

290. You can never underestimate how the smallest gesture

291. can make everything better.

292. For a minute, I actually thought you had a twin brother.

293. Really?

294. - Was it when my twin brother was here? - Stop it.

295. Sorry.

296. Too much.