Scrubs 3x17

Directed by Gail Mancuso

Aloma Wright as Laverne Roberts • Nestor Carbonell as Dr. Ramirez • Alexander Chaplin as Mr. Thompson • Paul Tigue as Waiter • Cathleen Gallagher as Woman

J.D. must keep a secret when Carla's "what-if" guy asks her out on a date. Meanwhile, on the other side of the argument, Carla hounds Turk for checking out other women. Elliot is also on the spot as Dr. Cox and Dr. Kelso both advise her not to give her patient drugs as they suspect he is an addict faking pain.

Request examples:

!req Scrubs 3x17 [02:32]
!req Scrubs 3x17 [Scrubs 3x17]
Syntax: !req EPISODE [quote or timestamp] (max. 8 square brackets)

For quotes, now you can request by index (e.g !req Scrubs 3x17 [10-11]; !req Scrubs 3x17 [20] [24]). Keep in mind, though, that index numbers might change at any time.
You can also generate a copy command with the quotes. Hover the desired subtitle and enter the amount of lines you want to copy.

Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. Buddy, I get that you and Carla have been hanging out a lot,

2. but pretending you're gonna steal her from me

3. makes you seem sad, pathetic,

4. - and very lonely. - Your woman wants me so bad,

5. we've developed our own little shorthand with each other.

6. - Morning. - Morning.

7. - That means "good morning." - Noted.

8. How was Mardi Gras night?

9. Ooh...

10. - Come on. - Enough beads.

11. - No more flashing. - More beads dammit! Come on!

12. Fine.

13. Sounds pretty embarrassing.

14. Only because Jasper becomes an innie when he gets nervous.

15. - Still... Friends forever. - Friends forever.

16. Of course, not all relationships

17. are as solid as Carla's and mine.

18. Dr. Reid, why are you using standard macrolides

19. to treat your patient instead of Clo-Veritol?

20. Clo-Veritol is a drug?

21. Honestly, Bob, Here I was under the impression

22. that it was a travel agency,

23. what with all the free golf trips they've sent you on.

24. I do not authorize any drug for this hospital

25. that I haven't personally researched.

26. What did the research for Clo-Veritol say, sir?

27. "When life's not fair at all, use Clo-Veritol."

28. Check out Barbie, Boo-hottie, slamming Big Bob. That a girl.

29. I have spent the last three years in this hospital getting

30. pushed around because I'm little Barbie from Connecticut.

31. But, there's a new toy in town

32. and her name is Bitch-slap Barbie.

33. From Connecticut.

34. Still, let's remember that you can't even drive the doctor-car

35. without big daddy sitting right there beside you.

36. Because you went ahead and accidentally

37. gave the patient over in bed four

38. macrolides and opiates.

39. Two medications that I guarantee you are gonna make her nauseous.

40. My patient is fine, and I don't need you...

41. I roughly think that would be the

42. faint sound of your patient vomiting.

43. You may be having trouble hearing it

44. over the louder sound of me being right,

45. yet again. Oooh!

46. God, my brilliance is now becoming a bit of a burden.

47. Get back to me.

48. I gotta give Mr. Ingram his meds, so later.

49. Later.

50. That means "I'll be seeing you later."

51. You want my fiancée, go ahead and take her.

52. She's been nagging the crap out of me.

53. "Pick up your socks, wash your dishes,

54. stop whispering 'Boo-yah' to J.D.

55. in the morning after we have sex."

56. - How am I supposed to know? - I'm saying.

57. I'm not giving her any more ammo.

58. There is no way in hell she'll ever be able to bust my...

59. Damn!

60. That ass warrants the Batman sound-effect salute.

61. - Pow! - Zap!

62. Buck-a-yaw!

63. How come you're always checking out some woman's you-know-what?

64. - Tushy parts? - Thanks for having my back.

65. Babe...

66. That means, "Now she all mad."

67. When you work in a hospital, you can count on an

68. ever-changing roster of new faces.

69. Whether it's the new flower lady who winks too much,

70. or the plastic surgeon who's returned after three years

71. fixing cleft palates in Third World countries.

72. So, if any of you are interested

73. in following in the philanthropic

74. footsteps of Dr. Ramirez,

75. he has graciously offered to answer any of your questions.

76. I told you no one would care.

77. Sometimes, a new face will just outright surprise you.

78. - What the hell are you doing? - Me?

79. Nothing, man. Just waiting for my brother to get off work.

80. Maybe you know him, he's the janitor here.

81. My name's Roscoe.

82. - Why is he doing that? - I think he gets bored.

83. So, I'm supposed to marry someone

84. who will stare at women the rest of my life?

85. I wouldn't put it that way in your vows.

86. Let's see how he likes it.

87. - Hey, honey. - What's up, baby?

88. Mm-mm-mm!

89. It's good, isn't it? That's because

90. Estelle puts extra croutons into the stuffing.

91. And yet the salads always suffer.

92. Excuse me. I am talking about that man's ass.

93. Gotta go.

94. It's such a fine, chiseled,

95. dig your-fingernails-into-it kind of ass!

96. Babe, he probably works out.

97. - Carla? - Ron!

98. - Hey! - Hi!

99. - Kudos on the nice pooper. - Thank you.

100. - Mine's firm, like mutton. - Lovely.

101. OK, Mr. Thompson, we've got your fever down,

102. but how's the pain in your abdomen?

103. Practically gone.

104. Really?

105. Aah!

106. A trick I picked up in med school.

107. Good trick. I think my insides exploded.

108. I suspect you've got pancreatitis,

109. so we're gonna run L.F.T.s and do an ultrasound.

110. In the meantime, I'll prescribe you something for your pain.

111. No, please, don't sweat it. I'm used to the pain.

112. Besides, my mom is bringing by the kids later and I figure

113. there should be at least one sober adult in the room.

114. No, seriously, she's a drunk.

115. Sorry.

116. - You... - Stop it.

117. There's nothing worse than two people with a history.

118. Did Shari and Steve get married?

119. - You didn't hear? - Say you heard.

120. - No, I didn't. - Damn you.

121. Steve went to take care of his parents,

122. and while he was gone, Shari started seeing Dr. Harding.

123. - No! - Really? Shari and Gary?

124. - No! - Yes!

125. But that summer, they took a river rafting trip

126. - and they both drowned. - Oh, thank God.

127. You know, 'cause they both died doing what they loved.

128. Rafting.

129. - Everybody treating you OK? - Yeah.

130. The nurse that does the sponge baths?

131. Wouldn't be shocked if she's killed before.

132. - Hey, Sunshine. - Calm your ass down.

133. You was barely bleeding.

134. - From a bath, woman! - Mm-hmm.

135. I don't get it. I've run every test.

136. I cannot figure out why this guy is in so much pain.

137. - Did you run a D.U.H. test? - What's a D.U.H.?

138. Uh, Duh!

139. The guy is a drug addict trying to score painkillers.

140. - But he refused drugs. - My bad.

141. He is a very clever drug addict.

142. Look, I hate to question your three years of wisdom,

143. but your pain guy is just like a million other drug addicts

144. who walk into hospitals every year with their aches,

145. and their pains, and their spasms, and their cramps,

146. and their myalgia, and their neuralgia,

147. and every other 'algia' they can think of

148. - just so they can get a fix. - Well, I believe in this guy.

149. Would you like to go out on a limb?

150. Sign him in, keep him overnight?

151. You know, Dr. Cox, you think that

152. you have seen it all and done it all,

153. but guess what? You haven't done me.

154. Give her a second there, gang.

155. - That didn't come out right. - Go!

156. If you're captain, pick me first.

157. I'll be like, "We always play together".

158. Then pick who you really want but they'll think you wanted me.

159. When do you think of this stuff?

160. Every minute of every day.

161. Either of you guys seen my twin brother?

162. - Hey! I asked you a question. - You're better than this.

163. Any sign of my brother the janitor?

164. Dude, there is no way that we'll ever, ever believe this one.

165. Can someone say, "keep rocking"?

166. Hey, Carla, after you check Miss. Ruck's IV in room 310,

167. can you zip down to the cafeteria

168. and flirt more with Dr. Hot-butt?

169. Fine, so I was flirting with him a little.

170. But, I used to have such a crush on the guy.

171. And besides, you flirt sometimes. It's harmless, right?

172. Can I press your button?

173. I don't know, can I press yours?

174. It's not always harmless.

175. Hey, Carla. I was wondering if you

176. wanted to grab dinner with me tonight?

177. It's always a risk when you go out on a limb.

178. Ultimately you just make yourself vulnerable.

179. Laverne, did you pull up Mr. Thompson's old charts?

180. He was here eight years ago

181. complaining of the same abdominal pain

182. but as soon as he was given his pain medication he went A.M.A.

183. He just took the drugs and bolted?

184. No. He took some towels too.

185. Frick.

186. So what do you say?

187. And you just hate to see anyone get crushed. Even Dr. Hot-butt.

188. Sure. That sounds great.

189. I'm sorry, what?

190. - What the hell just happened? - I don't know!

191. He asked me out to dinner, and I said yes. It just came out.

192. Shame.

193. Look, everyone thinks it's just guys who get all

194. freaked out before the wedding, but it happens to women, too.

195. - And Ronny... - Ronny?

196. Ron. Ron. He's not just some guy, J.D.

197. He's my "what if" guy. The one I always wondered about.

198. The one I idealized, you know?

199. If I go out with him and I feel nothing,

200. you know how confident I'll feel about Turk?

201. Now I want you to go. You know what that means?

202. That she's a sorceress.

203. Look, I would never do anything inappropriate.

204. Then you won't mind if I tell Turk.

205. If you have to, go ahead.

206. But then I'll know that we're not as close as I thought.

207. Damn beads.

208. Mr. Thompson, I was just looking at your old chart...

209. Yes, he was just telling me that the last time he was here,

210. his doctor couldn't diagnose him

211. and just threw a bunch of painkillers at him instead.

212. He did?

213. I was so frustrated, I took off.

214. But, I have to say, with Dr. Reid here,

215. I know we're finally gonna get to the bottom of things.

216. She is one terrific doctor.

217. So this pain you're having is making you delusional?

218. No. Why?

219. No reason.

220. This is nice. After all these years,

221. actually being out with you.

222. Yeah, so where do you want to sit?

223. How about here?

224. We have a lovely selection of condoms.

225. Oooh! Lemon Zinger.

226. - Uncool! - What were you thinking about?

227. What you'd look like if you were Chinese.

228. - Me too. - That was lucky.

229. Hey, fellas, guess what's on?

230. A little show that I like to call Indisputable Evidence.

231. Thank you, brothers,

232. for inviting me to your twin birthday party.

233. No problem, Troy.

234. Hey, brother, why don't you enjoy

235. this nice pen set that I got for you?

236. Check it out. Take your time.

237. Approach it slowly.

238. Hey, wow! Thanks, bro.

239. I'm definitely gonna use this to write to you

240. when I finish my around-the-world travels.

241. Put it there, man.

242. All right. You do a good job around here.

243. And that, boys, is a brotherly handshake.

244. Sometimes around here, you can't

245. believe what you're seeing.

246. Other times it's as clear as day.

247. Thanks.

248. Oh, great, you're getting medication

249. for your pain patient.

250. But say, why stop there?

251. How's about we load up our fanny-packs with happy pills,

252. drive downtown, I'll hang out of the sunroof

253. and we can throw fistfuls of them right at drug addicts?

254. It'll be like a big happy parade.

255. You know, you have this unbelievable

256. ability to make me doubt myself.

257. I don't think I could possibly make you doubt yourself,

258. you rascal, unless you had the unnatural talent

259. for being wrong most of the time.

260. Well, I'm not wrong. I just saw Mr. Thompson writhing in pain

261. and he had no idea that I was watching him.

262. But you're more concerned with being right

263. than doing what's right. Aren't you?

264. Stay calm. Turk's never gonna find out about her date.

265. Hey. You got a minute to talk?

266. Do you wanna talk about anything?

267. We can talk about our feelings. What's up?

268. I've been thinking about this Carla nagging thing.

269. And I know it's coming from a good place because,

270. well, let's face it, the woman lives and dies for me.

271. - More wine? - Oh, God, yes.

272. So I'm supposed to marry someone who's gonna bust my chops

273. every time I look at a woman for the rest of my life?

274. I wouldn't put it that way in your vows.

275. - Hand me that. - Here you go.

276. So you and that girl Kelly finally broke up, huh?

277. Yeah. What was that cute name that you used to call her?

278. Skunk face.

279. I was a little mean back then.

280. No, I always used to think you were the sweetest girl on earth.

281. Nag, nag, nag, nag. You see how Carla is lately.

282. I mean, is that all I have to look forward to?

283. I hear they're doing Stuart Little 3.

284. Nah, it's on hold, the director dropped out.

285. Don't you have any work to do?

286. Dude, surgeon.

287. Beads, keep me strong.

288. - What? - Nothing.

289. - I'm so glad we did this. - Me too.

290. I have to leave on Monday,

291. but I'm back the last week in April.

292. So maybe we can get together then.

293. I'm getting married April 24th.

294. So then our plans would totally interfere with your honeymoon.

295. A little bit.

296. - Excited about it? - I'm so excited.

297. Mr. Thompson, I've decided I'd like to

298. prescribe you something for the pain.

299. Well, you know, that's your call.

300. There's just one little problem.

301. Oh, my God! Just give me the drugs. 'Kay? Lady?

302. For God's sake, I've been working you from

303. every possible angle. I refused painkillers, I did the

304. "you're the greatest doctor" bit, which I know you loved.

305. Then between getting a tube in my ass and a tube in my mouth,

306. which I'm still praying wasn't the same tube,

307. I found time to do the whole "I'm writhing in pain

308. but I don't know if you're watching me" thing.

309. So, please, why don't you say it?

310. Why don't you say it?

311. Why don't you tell me what the problem is and say it?

312. I was just going to say my pen doesn't work

313. and I needed a new one to write out your dosage.

314. Oh.

315. Awesome.

316. I felt nothing for him! How cool is that?

317. I had a dream just like this except

318. I had a saddle on my back and you were an Indian.

319. Turk was a donkey.

320. I'm gonna go tell Turk.

321. Oh, that's great. She's gonna go...

322. Wait. What?

323. Whoa!

324. Whatever you do, don't scream.

325. - Why would I scream? - I don't know.

326. People always say that in the movies.

327. I don't think Turk's gonna be as excited

328. about your big date as you are.

329. He definitely won't love the fact that I knew about it.

330. So, just tell him in five years.

331. You did what?

332. Make that twenty years.

333. Honey, that was a long time ago.

334. Why are you still living here?

335. Because I've got nowhere else to go.

336. Sorry.

337. But still, what if I want to tell him?

338. Well, that's up to you, isn't it?

339. Gotta go.

340. Damn beads.

341. Yuk it up. I don't care.

342. 'Cause my brother's waiting for me downstairs

343. and when these elevator doors open, you'll see.

344. He's gonna be staring right at you two guys.

345. OK, I don't know what I thought was gonna happen.

346. But I think we can all agree this isn't working out.

347. So let's just call it a draw.

348. Hell, no! You lost. Live with it.

349. It's hard when you lose for the first time.

350. It's even harder when it's the hundredth time.

351. Say it.

352. - You're always right. - I know.

353. But it is still so nice to hear it.

354. How did you know that he was lying?

355. Well, you said he wasn't and as a rule

356. I always take whatever you say and go in

357. the exact opposite direction with it.

358. But more than that, Barbie, the main reason is because, well...

359. Medicine is all about experience.

360. I mean, hell, would you like to go ahead and have

361. a look at who the last doctor was to give Thompson drugs?

362. - You? - Ooh!

363. Why didn't you say something earlier?

364. Give up my front-row seat to "Barbie's Wild Ride"?

365. "He's a drug addict. He's not a drug addict."

366. "You make me doubt myself."

367. "You're more interested in being right than doing what's right."

368. And yet sometimes losing is a good thing.

369. Like when you lose your

370. insecurities about the guy you're marrying,

371. which makes it a lot easier to cut him some slack.

372. - Go ahead, look. - Really, baby?

373. Yeah. Besides, you're cutting up your napkin.

374. You can never underestimate how the smallest gesture

375. can make everything better.

376. For a minute there, I actually thought you had a twin brother.

377. - Really? - Hm.

378. Was it when my twin brother was here?

379. Stop it.

380. Sorry.

381. Too much.